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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: excuses

Either Jon Jones’s Phone Was Stolen, Or He Went Full Homophobe on Instagram Last Night


(Props: BloodyElbow)

UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones caused quite a stir on social media last night when he apparently fired a barrage of homophobic slurs at a Swedish kid named Daniel Javid. After Javid dared to question Bones’s recent statement that he has more heart than Alexander Gustafsson, Jones — or somebody operating his account — went through Javid’s photos and left comments such as “Fag shit,” Fag boys,” and “Homosexuality is a sin.” Jones then posted a selfie as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary had happened.

The official explanation from Jones’s manager Malki Kawa is that his phone was stolen, and someone else was posting those comments without his knowledge. (Don’t worry, Jones already got a new phone.) Whether or not you believe that excuse probably reflects how you feel about Jon Jones in the first place. Do you believe that Jones is openly homophobic and lacks the self-control to keep his opinions to himself? Anecdotes like this certainly don’t help his case. Or, do you believe Kawa’s story, because it would be insane for a UFC superstar to go off like this in public? I’m inclined to lean towards the latter, but who knows?

We’ll update you if and when the UFC releases a statement about this incident.

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Dennis Siver Blames Failed UFC 168 Drug Test on New Nutritionist and Diet “Used by the Stars”


(Well shit, if it worked before he shot Skyfall…)

As a longtime fan of German spin-kicker/liver-destroyer Dennis Siver, I was more upset than most to learn that he had failed his UFC 168 drug test for a testicle-preserving banned substance often used in post-steroid cycles. Shocked no, because just look at the dude, but upset nonetheless. And being that we are currently living in the era of shirked responsibility, Siver has now come forth to place the blame on his nutritionist, while simultaneously claiming that his positive test is no one’s fault but his own.

Siver spoke with German publication GroundandPound, and although his excuse may not be on the level of Vinicius Queiroz’s “the sauna gave me steroids,“ it is interesting to say the least:

Today I would like to issue a public statement and give my fans and supporters the opportunity to form their own opinion on how the alleged doping allegations against me came about.

Last fall, my coach Niko Sulenta was diagnosed with severe cancer, which lead to me being on my own during the preparations for a UFC fight for the first time, without me being able to draw on his longstanding care and advice. Niko has always been essential to my weight reduction.

So prior to UFC 168 I had to hire an external personal trainer and nutritionist to support me with making weight. The nutritionist recommended me a new diet method from the US, which had been successfully used by the stars.

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Absurd Claim of the Day: Chael Sonnen Says He Had Emergency Colon Surgery One Day Before Losing to Rashad Evans [UPDATED]


(Sonnen, seen here on the day of his alleged surgery. Take it away, James… / Photo via Getty)

From malicious food-poisoning to cracked skulls, MMA fighters have made some mighty questionable post-loss excuses over the years. But noted UFC bullshitter Chael Sonnen has just taken the art of the excuse to bizarre new depths. From a new report on TSN.ca:

UFC fighter Chael Sonnen had several inches of his colon removed during emergency surgery on Nov. 15 — one day before his first-round loss to Rashad Evans at UFC 167. Sonnen confirmed that he had the procedure during a taping of TSN’s Off The Record on Wednesday, after host Michael Landsberg revealed that a source told him about it.

“It’s a little bit of a surprise that you had that information,” replied Sonnen when asked whether he had undergone surgery.

Despite the medical emergency, Sonnen did not withdraw from the scheduled matchup in Las Vegas on Nov. 16 and was defeated in a first-round TKO.

“When I sign a contract to fight, I’m agreeing to fight a guy on a certain day at a certain time and in a certain venue,” he continued. “It’s my job to feel good when I go out and do it and if I don’t that may play a hand in the fight.”

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Bizarre Excuse of the Day: Miguel Torres Got Blown Out at WSOF 6 Because He Was Forced to Wear Shorts


(Miguel Torres vs. Pablo Alfonso full fight video)

Miguel Torres‘s loss to journeyman Pablo Alfonso at WSOF 6 on Saturday marked the third consecutive defeat for the former WEC bantamweight champ, and raised some harsh questions about Torres’s performance and future prospects. Namely: Bro, how you gonna get your ass kicked by a dude who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page? Even we have one of those.

Unsurprisingly, Torres has an interesting explanation for why he was choked out three minutes into what was essentially a rebound fight. As he wrote on Facebook after the match:

Was told by WSOF I could wear my spats, got my knee brace approved by commission, felt great and was on point warming up. Was in blue corner and was already in the cage about to fight then told by ref I had to leave and change into shorts. Had to sprint 100 yards there, look for shorts, then sprint back. Was not expecting that, threw my mind off and I didn’t execute in my fight. I apologize to all my training partners and students and especially my daughter. I make no excuse and take this lose personally and with full responsibility, I am better than what I showed today. Congrats to Pablo and his team, may they enjoy their night. See everyone in the gym on Monday, so sorry everyone.

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Excuse-Watch: Anderson Silva Uses “Injured Ribs” and Bogus Percentages to Write Off Loss to Chris Weidman at UFC 162


(You just *knew* that eventually Seagal would break down and rub some BBQ sauce on those suckers while Anderson was sleeping.) 

Not that Anderson Silva is making excuses for his upset loss to Chris Weidman at UFC 162 or anything, but Anderson Silva is totally making excuses for his loss to Chris Weidman at UFC 162. And not only that, he’s using the exact same ones that he did after UFC 117. Turns out, it wasn’t an unbridled sense of arrogance or an inflated ego that led to Anderson getting KO’d, it was his ribs! Three cheers for logic! (via MMAFighting):

It was good that you mentioned this because I was really hurt. Nobody mentioned this yet (Ed note: Probably because your camp denied it), but that’s not an excuse for my performance. It was a below where I was injured for my first fight with Chael Sonnen. That’s it. I was at 85 percent of my physical condition. I can’t talk about this because anything I say can be used against me. It’s in the past. I’m okay-

(*puts on shutter shades* *grabs mic from Silva’s hands*)

Now, Ima let you finish Andy, but Chris Weidman had one of the best excuses of all time! Of all time! (via Weidman’s coach, John Danaher)

He was essentially homeless. He was financially completely bankrupt. I remember I had to lend Chris thousands of dollars out of my own pocket just to keep him solvent while he’s preparing to fight Silva. And his life was essentially in chaos. One day when people know the full story of what happened, I’m not kidding when I say this, it’s like a goddamn Hollywood movie. It’s Rocky Balboa. It’s insane. The guy had nine fights. Bankrupt. Homeless. With a completely broken shoulder

I’m sorry, Anderson, you were saying something about only being in the B to B+ range physically on fight night? Anderson? (*armpit farts into mic*)

-J. Jones

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Jacob Volkmann Opens Fire at the UFC’s Low Pay, Crappy Health Insurance, and Preferential Treatment of Stand-and-Bangers


(*crickets* / Photo via US Presswire)

Looks like getting picked up right away by the World Series of Fighting after recently being fired by the UFC did not take away any bitterness from our favorite President-threatening lightweight, Jacob Volkmann. This past February, Volkmann lost by submission for the second time in his last three fights and was subsequently released by the UFC.

The elfin warrior tells AboveAndBeyondMMA.com that he didn’t deserve to be cut and is now on a mission to expose what he sees as the UFC’s unfair treatment of fighters.

“Well, I didn’t realize there was that much politics in martial arts, especially in the UFC. That was kind of frustrating. It’s not who is the best; it’s more of a political kind of BS,” he said.

“I was released after a loss against Bobby Green, which I should’ve never lost. It was kind of a fluke loss, going into the fight sick. I lost and then after that, they cut me. I was 6-2 at lightweight and they still cut me.

“You’ve got to know the right person, have the right manager in there. And your style determines if you stay in, too. The guys that stand and bang are the ones who are still fighting for the UFC. The ones that take the fights to the ground and focus more on the technique on the ground, they’re not in there because apparently the fans don’t like that.”

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UFC 138 Excuse Watch: Chris Leben Had to Cut 21 Pounds in 24 Hours Before Munoz Fight

Chris Leben eye bloody UFC 138 Mark Munoz
(Leben gets his cut checked out by forensics investigator Vince Masuka. Gif via IronForgesIron)

We knew something was up. After the first five minutes of his UFC 138 main event battle with Mark Munoz on Saturday, Chris Leben already looked like he was heading into the championship rounds — sucking deep breaths, his body drifting towards a Pudzianowski-esque shade of crimson. And according to a Fighters Only report, it wasn’t just trans-Atlantic jet lag or a post-Halloween candy hangover:

Chris Leben cut nearly 21 pounds in 24 hours to make weight for his fight with Mark Munoz, Fighters Only was told ahead of last night’s bout. The 31-year old middleweight had “a terrible weight cut” and was in such bad shape before the weigh ins that medical staff were keeping a very close eye on him.

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Excuse Watch: Chris Leben Had the Ol’ Gummi Bear Poops Before Fight With Brian Stann


(“Oh God, why did I chug that gallon of Pop Rocks and coke before the fight?” Photo courtesy of ESPN)

Heading into his highly anticipated face-off with Wanderlei Silva tomorrow night at UFC 132, Chris Leben was bound to hear the inevitable question about his last performance against Brian Stann: What went wrong? After all, Leben went into that match with the momentum of an impressive three-fight win streak, and wound up getting flattened within one round. Well, the explanation is simple, and it’s so perfectly Chris that all you can do is nod in sympathy. As he tells Ben Fowlkes:

I ate a bunch of candy, dude. I’m not lying…I didn’t eat sugar for like two months. Then after I made weight I went and bought gummy bears and chocolate and ice cream, and I ate that. My body hadn’t had sugar, so I was backstage puking, sh—ing and puking when I was on-deck for that fight. That’s not a lie; that’s the truth. And Brian Stann fought an amazing fight, but hindsight’s 20/20. No gummy bears for me this fight.”

Hey, we’ve all been there before, right? I mean, certainly not in our adult lives, but as eight-year-olds on Halloween, yeah we could have totally related to that. Anyway, it’s a good thing that Leben is one of those guys who never, ever repeats his mistakes.

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UFC 130 Excuse-Watch: Roy Nelson Had ‘Walking Pneumonia’

Frank Mir Roy Nelson UFC 130 fat MMA photos
(We would have also accepted ‘extreme-constipation’. Photo courtesy of HeavyMMA.)

Breaking away from his usual “fat guy who can throw down” persona, Roy Nelson just looked like your garden-variety fat guy last weekend at UFC 130, wheezing through three rounds, too exhausted to do anything besides absorb blows from Frank Mir. Was it a sign that Roy should finally hook up with a nutritionist and get his BMI in order?

The obvious answer is yes, definitely. Just because you can drag around a barrel of adipose tissue around your midsection and still compete at the highest levels of MMA doesn’t make it a good idea. Nelson is literally weighing himself down in the Octagon, and putting himself at a profound competitive disadvantage; even most 205-pounders in the UFC outsize Nelson at this point. But according to a new report, there was another factor in play on Saturday that made a victory for Big Country even less likely:

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Tony Ferguson Blames Alcohol, Adrenaline, and His Own Father for ‘TUF 13′ Meltdown

Tony Ferguson UFC TUF 13 Ultimate Fighter Cucuy

There’s a very good chance that Tony Ferguson will be the next winner of The Ultimate Fighter. So it’s a shame that his primary legacy from the show — at least for the people who actually watched it — is the moment from this week’s episode when he attacked his own teammate Charlie Rader then needled Rader about having his son taken from him. It was particularly shocking because Ferguson hadn’t previously shown any signs of being a mean-spirited drunk. Now, he has to expect a small chorus of boos when he enters the Octagon at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas next Saturday. In his guest blog for SBNation.com, Ferguson tried to explain the circumstances that transformed him from humble front-runner to TUF 13‘s biggest heel:

You first have to understand we started drinking not long after we had just got done fighting. We had also done the semi-final picks. I think part of me brought the fight home since my real fight with Ryan ended so fast. When you bring alcohol into the mix, it was just bad from there.

We all drank a lot. It started out with shots of Patron and moved to Jim Beam. Miller Lites were mixed in the entire time. We weren’t just drinking to relax. We were going hard core. Everyone was drinking, too, although maybe not as much as some of us.

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