(via Super Fight League) 

Look, I don’t know what we were expecting when it was announced that Fedor Emelianenko would be un-retiring from MMA — shattering a decades old CagePotato ban in the process — to take on a mystery opponent hand-picked by the sketchy Japanese businessman for the low, low rate of two and a half million dollars. I mean, once you rule out the UFC and Bellator heavyweight rosters, who are you even left with? Jeff Monson? Sergei Kharitonov? The guy who shivved Alex Emelianenko in the showers last month?

But even ruling out the Monson’s and Ishii’s that Fedo has already beaten, you’d think that the man worthy of bringing “The Last Emperor” out of retirement would at least have one of the following:

-Name/Nostalgia value

-A professional record of at least 5 fights

-A win in the last two years

Based on how I just phrased that, how many of those attributes do you think Emelianenko’s opponent has?

(Yes. Goddammit, yes. The sweater. The emotionless gaze. Yes to all of this.)

If the syntax and or/grammar of this post feels a little more wonky than normal, it’s only because I’m trying to shake off the effects of a seizure I suffered this morning upon reading that FEDOR F*CKING EMELIANENKO IS COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT. FOR REALSIES.

Fedor’s full statement, followed by a series of celebratory gifs, is after the jump. 

(“Can we hurry this up? I’m on my way to the scene of Aleks’ latest crime against humanity.”)

It has been many moons since we had our last caption contest, and boy oh boy did it show in last week’s results. I’d like to think this was you Taters working out the comedy ring rust, so to speak. Some of you opted for stoner jokes, because Nick Diaz, some of you opted to make fun of the gentleman on the right’s attire (WSOF vet Martin Sano, FWIW), and some of you didn’t really even attempt jokes at all, but merely observed that Diaz was in the same picture as the GOAT. Overall, I’d say this was a moderate success.

But onto the winning caption, which came via our Facebook page and completely destroyed the competition…

(The Greatest and The Realest, seen here discussing Russian trade policies and how to properly roll a blunt. via Martin Sano Jr.)

Can I level with you for a second, Nation? I’ve spent the last two days combatting a sickness something awful — chest congestion, stomach bug, milk leg, hot tub foot, scrotal migraines…the whole nine. It’s just been an absolute bacchanal of contamination and infection going on inside my body, the root of which I highly speculate to be the cobra whiskey I bought off a street urchin in (Boston) Chinatown earlier in the week.

But having awoken today with the internal storm mostly behind me, I feel like switching things up and passing along the positive vibes to you, the readers, with a good old fashioned caption contest. Lucky for me, this photo of Fedor Emelianenko and Nick Diaz made its way onto r/mma this morning, giving me/you the perfect opportunity to cash in on my newfound generosity.

You know the deal by now. Come up with your best captions for this photo — either in the comments section below, or on our Facebook page if said comments section isn’t working (which, let’s be honest, it probably isn’t). If you’re funny enough, you’ll win a random DVD from my extensive video library. Will it be an event DVD, like UFC 91 or 111? An unapologetically terrible movie starring an MMA fighter, like In the Blood or Scorpion King XVIII? Or maybe just highlights from my family trip to Myrtle Beach? BRING THE FUNNY AND FIND OUT!

(And to think, had Kimbo landed his signature headbutt to the groin that night, EliteXC might still be in operation. Photo via Divulgação.)

By CagePotato reader BJ Last

Welcome back to Sliceworld! The man who took the internet by storm in 2003, turned into a popular MMA circus act in 2007, fell from relevance in 2010, started boxing jobbers in 2012, and everyone sort of forgot about in 2014, is now signed with the second biggest MMA promotion in the world. The only question remaining now — aside from why? and also huh? — is who should be Slice’s first opponent under the Bellator banner? Scott Coker & Co. have two options, as far as I see it:

1) They can try to find Slice a “legitimate” (yes, there’s a reason for air quotes) opponent in an attempt to rebuild him as a genuinely dangerous MMA fighter.

2) They can channel their inner Japanese MMA promotion and go full freakshow.

I’ll tell you what I want (what I really, really want), or at least what I see as the most likely options for each scenario. Let’s start with the “legitimate” opponents…

(Tim Sylvia, in his bantamweight debut. / Photo via Getty)

UFC 182 was certainly the talk of the town this weekend, yet we couldn’t help but notice a former UFC Heavyweight Champion call it a day after going on an Arby’s world tour to train for his most recent bout.

According to The Underground, Maine’s own Tim Sylvia retired yesterday, shortly after his super-heavyweight fight against Juliano “Banana” Coutinho at Reality Fighting 53 was cancelled. Sylvia, who was planning on entering the battlefield at a whopping 371 pounds, was not cleared to fight by  the Mohegan Tribe Department of Athletic Regulation at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, CT., and thank the good Lord for that.

However, manager Monte Cox confirmed on Facebook there was a problem with his pre-fight MRI, and the bout was cancelled due to other issues apart from his weight. Nevertheless, the face-off picture of a bloated Timmeh surfaced on social media and MMA sites around the world, and that was enough for its experts to stare at it without blinking for the whole duration of the UFC 182 main card (except for the main event, of course).

(Props: r/mma)

Russians: They have feelings. Who would’ve guessed? And this commercial for a Russian gym starring Fedor Emelianenko will hit you in every. last. one of them.

(Photo via Getty)

Scott Coker wants to see Fedor Emelianenko vs. Randy Couture.

Yes, it’s 2014 and whispers about this “dream fight” from ages past are still happening.

“That’s a fight I would personally love to see,” Coker said after Bellator 123. “But I just don’t know if it’s going to happen.”

When pressed as to why he was pessimistic, Coker cited Couture’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

However, Coker did not that he was currently talking with M-1 and was going to be speaking with Couture next.

(Alistair Overeem wielding Mjolnir / Photo via Getty)

Sometimes fans need more to remember a fighter by than just a performance or a gimmick. They need an accessory to associate that fighter with–and the very best fighters understand this and know how to accessorize.

We brainstormed at Castle CagePotato as to what accessory was the greatest of all time. After several thought-sessions ended in magic ice cream binges and Martin Luther cosplay sessions, we decided to just list off all the best ones rather than just decide which one among them was the best:

1. Fedor Emelianenko’s sweater.

2. Donald Cerrone‘s cowboy hat.

3. Khabib Nurmagomedov‘s Dagestani hat.

4. David Rickels’ caveman club and dinosaur.

Get the rest after the jump!

(If Jones vs. Gustafssson 2 actually ends like this, I swear to God, I will order Fight Pass. / Props: BinaryMasta via r/MMA)

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