(Meanwhile, Fedor’s urine test came up positive for vodka and childlike wonderment. Props to M1.)

Fedor Emelianenko and his manager, M-1 Global president Vadim Finkelchtein, held a press conference today in Moscow to assure fans that contrary to recent reports, he is still alive. Kidding, y’all. Actually, they met with Russian media to answer questions about this Josh Barnett clusterfuck. Some highlights:

On Barnett: “I feel disappointed about this situation. But I will fight anyone who Affliction puts in front of me. I know a lot of fans waited for this fight to happen and I am sorry for them. I can’t do much about it now but I am in good shape, my training has been good and continues to go well…There was no specific manner to prepare for the planned bout with Josh Barnett. It’s all the same: standup and ground game… Undoubtedly, it’s better to know the name of your opponent long before the fight.”

On Barnett’s Replacement: “By the end of the evening we expect to officially announce who’ll be the replacement for Barnett. Vitor Belfort agreed to come in principle. We personally entertain the idea of having Brett Rogers step in since he knocked Andrei Arlovski out. But if there is any problem with Rogers, then it’s pretty safe to say it’s going to be Belfort. However, we are well aware of the fact that fans don’t consider Vitor Belfort to be a suitable replacement, according to a recent Sherdog poll*…Belfort can make heavyweight but the fans don’t want this fight. Fedor isn’t seeking an easy fight. If logistics weren’t an issue, we’d like to see Fedor fight against Brett Rogers. Fans want it (and) so do we.”

We’ll level with you, Potato Nation.  We’re a little bummed about this Vitor Belfort vs. Fedor Emelianenko business.  Not that it’s a bad fight.  But it’s also not Fedor vs. Josh Barnett, which was Affliction: Trilogy’s main selling point and which we were genuinely pumped up about.  Now instead we get Fedor taking on a middleweight, and at the same time we get robbed of Belfort vs. Jorge Santiago.  It’s like Oscar Wilde said, “You can take lemons and make lemonade, but unless you throw some vodka in that bitch it ain’t gonna be no party, dog.”

But we digress.  If Belfort-Fedor is the fight we’re getting, then we’ll just have to come to terms with it the only way we know how: by watching a bunch of videos of Belfort kicking ass.  Won’t you join us after the jump?

(At least people would believe him if he offered the old ‘I just wanted to look ripped on TV’ defense.)

On today’s Affliction conference call Tom Atencio said he had no idea what the “banned substance” was that Josh Barnett tested positive for, but added that they were supposedly in the process of testing his second sample and Barnett planned to appeal the results.  Zak Woods over at Watch Kalib Run has a press release from the CSAC that sheds some light on the issue by confirming what everyone except Nick Diaz already assumed – the banned substance was a steroid:

Barnett’s June 25 drug test came back positive for 2a-methyl-5a-androstan-3a-ol-17-one, an anabolic steroid. CSAC learned of the results July 21 and immediately denied a license for Barnett. …Barnett’s test was observed in the presence of a CSAC representative and the sample was sent to the World Anti-doping Agency test facility at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) on June 25 for processing. CSAC was notified of the results yesterday.

So there it is, right?  Only this is the CSAC we’re talking about, and it’s never that easy with them.

(Oh, what could have been…)

According to TheFightNetwork, Fedor Emelianenko vs. Vitor Belfort is really happening:

Affliction VP Tom Atencio did not make reference to this replacement — or make any other earth-shattering announcements — on today’s conference call, which you can get a summary of here. Meanwhile, undefeated bruiser (and actual heavyweight) Brett Rogers did in fact throw his name out as an option. A source told SI’s Josh Gross that the Grim was asking for "a purse approaching at least the $800,000 Affliction Entertainment paid Sylvia to fight Emelianenko." Affliction, it seems, respectfully declined.

(All right guys, just flip a coin for it.  Loser fights Fedor.  Winner gets an ice cream sandwich.)

Remember when the fun trend among MMA fighters was to declare their desire and willingness to fight Fedor Emelianenko, despite not being in the same organization or even weight class?  Well, somebody better go call all those bastards up, because Fedor needs a replacement opponent in a hurry.  With Josh Barnett getting the no-go from the California State Athletic Commission, Affliction is said to be looking at four possible replacements, which range from unlikely to damn near impossible to not that credible of a challenger even if they did agree to it. 

But why stop with the merely implausible or ill-advised possibilities?  Clearly, this is a total shit-show of a problem that requires a total shit-show of a solution.  Allow us to examine the possibilities…

("Mostly-natural, baby!" Photo courtesy of MMA Mania.)

Bad news for MMA fans — and disastrous news for Affliction’s MMA promotion. Sherdog is reporting that the California State Athletic Commission will not license Josh Barnett for his fight against Fedor Emelianenko at next Saturday’s Affliction: Trilogy event due to a "positive test result." We’re assuming that means steroids and not Hep B or something, though the CSAC promises to release a detailed statement today. Barnett, who was stripped of his UFC heavyweight title in 2002 for anabolic steroid use, was surprised by the news: 

("Your perpetually-scowling welterweight with great jiu-jitsu, cardio, and trash-talk has died of dysentery.")

For over a month, we’ve been wondering who EA Sports will be able to recruit for its upcoming MMA video game — especially after Dana White’s proclamation that any fighter who signs with the competing title will be dead to him. But now that reports are starting to trickle out, let’s run it down…

— In a recent interview with MMA Wordwide, UFC/IFL/Strikeforce vet Benji Radach says that he starts work on the game next month, and will be in it along with Randy Couture and Fedor Emelianenko.

— Emelianenko’s involvement was confirmed by a press release distributed by mixfight.ru, which also named Gegard Mousasi as a participant.

Last week we posted a video interview with Fedor Emelianenko where he said he didn’t see himself signing with the UFC as long as the contract, and the way in which that contract is offered, remains unacceptable to him.  Now here’s Dana White on Steve Cofield’s radio show to remind us exactly what Fedor was talking about. 

According to DW, Fedor isn’t any good, hasn’t beaten anyone worth a damn in years, and is a fraud because he refuses to sign with the UFC.  There, that should solve that perceived lack of respect issue, though it kind of makes you wonder why Dana would have ever offered a guy like that a bunch of money to come fight for him.

(The baddest man in the world, or a living Archie comic book character?)

Here’s a newsflash for you: online sportsbooks favor Fedor Emelianenko to beat Brock Lesnar in a dream match that may never actually happen.  They’re even giving you the opportunity to lay some money down on it now, despite the fact that you don’t know anything about the conditions of this fight or the fighters at the time of the bout, and if it doesn’t happen by October 3, 2010, you get your money back.  Of course, you could just wait until the bout is actually scheduled to take place (if ever) and bet then, but that’s not as fun, is it?  This is like betting on who’s going to win the Super Bowl next year, and choosing between two expansion teams that haven’t been accepted into the NFL yet.

In a new interview with Bas Rutten on “Inside MMA” Fedor Emelianenko talks about his toughest fights, his friendship with Josh Barnett, and whether he’ll eventually end up in the UFC, as Dana White has predicted.  Fedor seems like he’s in no hurry to sign on the dotted line, at least at the moment.  He calls the contract terms he’s been offered “unacceptable” and admits that he’d like to fight a big, “serious” guy like Brock Lesnar, though perhaps not enough to make himself an indentured servant to the UFC:

“At the present time, I don’t think so, I don’t think you’ll see me in the UFC, just because the terms, and the manner in which those terms are offered, are not acceptable today.”

Looks like the ball’s in your court, DW.  Do you make the man a better offer, or at least be a little nicer to him?  Or do you just wait him out and figure sooner or later he’ll have to sign unless he wants to drift off into irrelevance, which he may very well be willing to do?

After the jump, Josh Barnett answers some viewer emails and tells us the one thing he knows he can beat Fedor at: drinking contest.  Christ, how can you not love Barnett?     

(Looks like someone unwittingly captured one of many moments of utter despair in the life of an NYC cab driver.  Hang in there, buddy.)

What is it about Fedor Emelianenko that makes advertisers intent on turning his relative lack of fame into a selling point?  Fanhouse’s Ariel Helwani spotted a new Fedor-related HDNet ad campaign in New York City this week, featuring a photo of the Russian’s face with the tagline “Do you know who I am?”  If you know anything about New Yorkers, you probably know that the answer most of them would give when confronted with this question is: ‘Yeah, you’re the guy who should go fuck himself.’  

(Props: MMA Mania)

What: UFC 100
When/Where: July 11th at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas.
Why: Because it’s one of the most stacked UFC cards ever. In the above trailer, Joe Rogan calls the event "fucking insane," then implies that Steve Mazzagatti screwed up Brock Lesnar‘s first fight against Frank Mir. For Brock, this fight is all about revenge. Mir thinks that if Big Nog couldn’t last two rounds with him, Brock’s chances aren’t very good.

In the night’s other title fight, Georges St. Pierre battles for his legacy against the biggest, strongest, toughest test of his career — Thiago Alves, who wants to knock out GSP, take his belt, and become "the man." Also, Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping move out of the reality show set and into the Octagon. Hendo wants to beat Bisping up and shut his mouth a little bit; Bisping wants to be responsible for the first KO loss on Dan’s record. Only on pay-per-viewwww…

If you missed it, check out parts 1 and 2 of this series.

The Fedor Emelianenko Era: 3/03-present

Fedor’s dominance over MMA’s heavyweight division is such that, had he been born a few hundred years ago, they might have burned him for being a witch.  At least they might have tried, though he would certainly have armbarred the entire mob and then calmly collected their pitchforks.  Fedor is the rare fighter with devastating one-punch knockout power on the feet and deft submission skills off his back.  In other words, you are never really winning against Fedor; you’re just temporarily not losing. 

Fedor’s run through Pride’s heavyweight class was like Sherman’s March to the Sea, only much more efficient.  He beat everyone there was to beat and he did it convincingly.  His list of victims includes former UFC champs like Tim Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski, as well as Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Mark Coleman, and even Hong Man Choi.  In fact, the only barrier to Fedor’s continued reign of terror is his own refusal to sign with the UFC, where more heavyweights are waiting to be conquered.  Will he ever cave in and do to the UFC’s big men what he did to Pride’s?  It’s doubtful, though until he loses you really can’t begrudge him the title of the world’s best heavyweight.

(Fredbird hypes up Robbie Lawler before he throws out the first pitch at yesterday’s Cardinals/Reds game at Busch Stadium. Photo courtesy of Esther Lin/Strikeforce.)

- Urijah Faber and Mike Brown fill out Sports Illustrated‘s "Cheerleader of the Week" questionnaire. Hilarity ensues. (Asylum)

- Due to Cung Le’s movie career, Strikeforce will soon introduce an interim middleweight belt. (CageWriter)

- As if Team U.S.A. needed another reason to hate Jason Pierce. (SPIKE)

- Fedor Emelianenko discusses why he couldn’t sign with the UFC. (MMA Fanhouse)

- USA Wrestling is trying to bribe wrestlers not to jump ship to MMA. (Fightlinker)

- It’ll be Choi vs. Minowa and Mousasi vs. Sokoudjou in the second round of DREAM’s "Super Hulk" tournament. (MMA Mania)

- Kenny Florian will join the broadcast team at WEC 41 on Sunday. (MMA Junkie)

- Weigh-in results for tonight’s Bellator show. (MMA Madness)

- Mike Brown discusses how he got his start in fighting, and how his loss to Joe Lauzon turned his career around. (Scores Report)

- Urijah Faber is packing on leg muscle and working on a clothing line. (Ask Men)

- Redneck backyard MMA fight ends in head-kick KO. (NothingToxic)

- Spiders Flee From Paris Hilton’s Vagina. (HolyTaco)

- Trailer and production photos from It Might Get Loud, starring Jimmy Page, Jack White, and the Edge. (ScreenJunkies)

- Wreck of the Week: Drunk Fan Edition. (AllLeftTurns)

- Daily Market Madness. (WallStreetFighter)

- The Citizen Kane of beer pong trick-shot videos. (Break)

Ariel Helwani with the monumental scoop:

(‘So how about if, like, at first I’ll let you beat me up some, then I start to come back, but I go for an elbow off the top rope and miss, right?  And then at the end, well, I haven’t decided who should win yet, but we’ll figure it out. Just saying though, it’d be more of a shock if it was me.’)

Affliction COO Michael Cohen contacted Fanhouse’s Ariel Helwani (and you know the situation is dire when people are actually calling Ariel rather than the other way around) to let us all know that there is absolutely no truth to the persistent rumor that Affliction III will be the organization’s last MMA event.  The fact that they’ve named it “Trilogy”?  Nah son, you shouldn’t read too much into that, says Cohen: “Trilogy just means that this is the third. This is the third of the series.”

Yeah, that’s the standard use of the word ‘trilogy.’  It refers to the third installment in a long and profitable series that continues to pump out new editions several times a year.  Like the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “The Godfather” trilogy.  Oh, wait.

(Throw the damn towel, indeed. Props: MMA Videos.)

We in the MMA world always assumed that Fedor Emelianenko was Ivan Drago.  You know, if you take away the height and impressive build and advanced training techniques and replace them all with the opposites of those things.  Only now do we see how wrong we were.  Lyoto Machida is clearly the unbeatable destroyer of worlds with the funny accent, leaving us only to wonder, who’s Rocky in this analogy?  "Shogun" freaking Rua? 

After the jump, Raw Vegas goes to Wal-Mart to watch "Rampage" Jackson sign some boobies.  It’s a pretty decent life, even without the UFC light heavyweight title. 

Ah, the freak show.  Where honest competition meets the insatiable human desire to see something weird, typically in Japan.  In light of the events at this week’s Dream "Super Hulk" tournament, we thought we’d take a look back and count down the ten craziest, most outlandish freak show fights in MMA history.  Some are bizarre enough to be fun.  Some are just horrible.  At least one is actually kind of good.  All are totally insane.  Enjoy.

#10: Fedor Emelianenko vs. Zuluzinho
Pride Shockwave 2005, 12/31/05

Zuluzinho (real name Wagner da Conceição Martins, which explains why he goes by Zuluzinho) got his shot at Fedor for two reasons: 1) he is the son of the now legendary Zulu, the Brazilian beast of a man who should be familiar to anyone who has seen “Choke,” and 2) because at 6’7” and nearly 400 pounds, he’s a big, scary-looking fat dude.  What he isn’t is quality competition for Fedor, and that’s why he got the fight on December 31.  Everyone knows Fedor loves to beat a freak’s ass to ring in the New Year, the bigger and freakier the better.  

Just in case there was any doubt that this was an almost criminal mismatch, Zuluzinho erased it by going down with the second punch thrown in the fight.  We like to think that as he was falling time slowed down like in the movies and Zuluzinho allowed himself to wonder just for a moment, ‘Is there a chance that the Pride matchmakers haven’t been taking me seriously?’

(Image courtesy of AfflictionClothing.com via MMA Mania)

As our friend Kris Karkoski points out, "Naming the third Affliction event ‘Trilogy’ sure makes it sound like this is going to be their last card." Very true, though at least they’re finally giving us the fight we’ve been waiting for — of course I’m speaking of Dan Lauzon vs. Chris Horodecki. (Fedor Emelianenko vs. Josh Barnett should be a decent scrap as well.) As we reported earlier, "Trilogy" may feature that rumored somethingweight fight between Gegard Mousasi and Vitor Belfort, and the poster also promises appearances by Tim Sylvia, Ben Rothwell, Paul Buentello, and Renato Sobral.

Don’t worry guys, Dana already has you down on his tombstone…

(The flannel is coming back, bitches.)

Fresh off this morning’s Dream.9, which we’ll go ahead and call a success in the sense that no one died during the “ridiculously stupendous” freak show portion of the evening, Dream already has some plans for their next event, predictably titled Dream.10.  The organization announced that WAMMA lightweight champion (that’s still a real thing, right?) Shinya Aoki will face Vitor “Shaolin” Ribeiro in what will be Aoki’s first actual MMA fight since his TKO loss to Hayato “Mach” Sakurai.

Also at Dream.10, Melvin Manhoef will take on mercurial former WEC middleweight champion Paulo Filho in a fight that could be an awesome clash of styles or a complete mess.  I think we can all agree that Filho stands a good chance if he shows up in shape, focused, and not with one foot in the spirit world, but will get absolutely decapitated if he wigs out like he did against Chael Sonnen in his last fight.  Either way, it’s a strong addition to the July 20th fight card, which also includes the semi-final and final rounds of the Dream welterweight grand prix tournament, and possibly even the return of Kazushi Sakuraba.  Because hey, he’s not dead yet, and he’d prefer that the end come in the ring in front of a silent arena of Japanese fans.

In other bookings news…

(Josh’s "retarded proctologist" bit always brought a half-smile to Fedor’s face. Photo courtesy of fcfighter.com)

Yes, Affliction has yanked away the proverbial football a couple times before, but according to a new report on MMA Fanhouse, Fedor Emelianenko and Josh Barnett are really, truly going to fight this summer — we hope:

(Props: The Garv)

The official UFC 100 promo video doesn’t need any heavy-handed voiceover to make its case as one of the best MMA events in recent memory.  It just runs down some perfunctory highlight clips to remind you of who all’s fighting, and then it steps back to let your imagination run wild.  Now all you need is a ton of money and no objection to dropping an obscene amount of cash on one sporting event, and you can experience it live.  You can also help whip your section of the arena into a chant that voices the will of the people.  If that kind of thing interests you.

After the jump, a highlight video that is pretty much the exact opposite of this promo.

Fedor Emelianenko is not unbeatable, or at least not in a court of freaking law.  His $1.6 million lawsuit against a Korean honey company for using him in a commercial that he claimed had “damaged his image” finally reached a conclusion, and Fedor lost.  The Seoul Central District Court ruled that he participated willingly and as part of his agreed upon deal with the Korea Sambo Federation.  Here’s a fun little description of the ad itself:

The ad, starting with a victorious scene involving Fedor in a wrestling ring, is followed by footage of a bee landing on a yellow rape flower. Then Fedor returns, drinks a bottle of the honey and says, “I like Seonyu Honey,” in Korean.

That’s right, suckers.  Rape flower.  When you absolutely, positively need a flower that makes everyone uncomfortable just saying its name, accept no substitutes.  Usually a story like this would only be interesting for being so weird, but the report on the lawsuit contained one other interesting glimpse into the life Fedor:

Punch-Out Rap – Watch more Other Funny Stuff
(Props: Break via Screen Junkies)

25 years after Punch-Out!! first hit arcades, the beloved boxing series is having a bizarre rebirth via Internet videos. Two days ago, we saw the documentary style clip of Little Mac preparing to make his comeback — a viral ad for the title’s upcoming Wii relaunch. Now, there’s this completely-unrelated rap tribute to the game, which ScreenJunkies tells us is "the first installment in a series of old-school Nintendo-based music videos entitled ‘Gamerjamz’." Damn…I can’t wait for the Double Dragon tribute done in the style of DragonForce. (By the way, Gamerjamz, if you actually use that idea you have to credit me.)

And the Punch-Out!! love doesn’t stop there…

(And to think this all started with a colorful gi, some little shorts, and a dream.)

It looks like Combat Sambo tournaments might actually lead to career advancement opportunities, after all.  Blagoi Ivanov has signed a three-fight deal with Sengoku and will reportedly face former Pride fighter Kazuyuki Fujita in his first fight at Sengoku 9 in August.  Ivanov is the guy who made minor waves (more like ripples by the time they reached the U.S.) when he beat Fedor Emelianenko on points in the World Combat Sambo Championships last November.  Fujita’s claim to fame is that he once hit Fedor so hard it briefly stunned him.  Neither of these accomplishments is enough to make this a truly interesting fight, although Sengoku has got to take what they can get when it comes to heavyweights. 

(All hail the Emperor. Props: KingAtRock)

Sometimes the Power of the Potato Nation is just too strong to be ignored, brother. For those of you who don’t hang out in our forums section, you missed this recent brainstorm from "LargeMidget":

(Props: Fightlinker)

At long last, we present the video of Wednesday’s grappling exhibition between Fedor Emelianenko and Shinya Aoki at DEEP/M-1 Challenge 3rd Edition. As you’ll see, the whole thing was really just a good-natured joke, with both fighters putting on a display that was more slapstick than combat. (But man do Emelianenko’s throws look smooth when they’re done with a 160-pound training dummy.) Fun stuff. Now let’s see the UFC do this with Lesnar and Penn…

Behold, Fedor Emelianenko in his finest role, playing himself on a Korean TV show.  The situation is pretty obvious.  Some guy beats up some other guy in a fight, guy who gets beat up suggests that other guy fight his friend, guy agrees, guy is horrified when the friend turns out to be Fedor.  The fact that Fedor happens to be wearing a signature Fedor Emelianenko Affliction t-shirt during the fight scene?  Purely coincidental.  What, you thought Fedor wore something besides his own Affliction tees in his day-to-day life?  Get serious. 

A more literal translation of this scene, courtesy of Nightmare of Battle, is after the jump:

(Photos courtesy of Sportsnavi)

Though it was officially ruled "no winner" due to its status as an exhibition match, Fedor Emelianenko pretty much manhandled Shinya Aoki earlier today in Tokyo during their Sambo-ish bout at DEEP/M-1 Challenge 3rd Edition, tossing the Japanese lightweight around the ring before finishing him with a leglock. According to one fan’s report on BloodyElbow:

(What has two thumbs and hates to engage during title fights? Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.)

Judging from the comments in our last few posts, many of you already know this, but yes, the rumored light-heavyweight showdown between Anderson Silva and Forrest Griffin quickly became official last night; the fight will support the BJ Penn/Kenny Florian lightweight title fight at UFC 101, which will take place at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia on August 8th. And both fighters are pretty psyched about it. As Dana White told Yahoo!’s Kevin Iole, "Forrest loved the idea and said he’d do it right away, and Anderson told me he would fight anyone I wanted him to fight, no matter who it is." Silva’s manager Ed Soares added: