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Power-Ranking the Bevy of Fights Booked Today, January 15th, With GIFS

(There’ll be plenty more of this after the jump. Trust me.)

It’s February 18th, 2016 (or something like that), which can only mean one thing: There dun been a whole lotta MMA fights booked today! And rather than give you some paint-by-numbers fight booking breakdown (looking at you, Goldsteen), I’ve decided to do pretty much that, but with gifs. So without further askew, let’s get to it!

#6: Matt Hamill vs. TBA — WSOF 4-Man Light Heavyweight Tournament

Oh, hadn’t you heard? Following his retirement from the sport in 2011, unretirement in 2012, firing from the UFC and signing with the WSOF in 2013, and re-retirement before ever fighting for the WSOF in 2014, Matt “The Hammer” Hamill has once again unretired! Fuck yeah, consistency!

Although he won’t be getting that rematch with Rampage Jackson in Bellator he was hoping for, Hamill has in fact signed an exclusive contract with World Series of Fighting, and is expected to make his debut as part of a 4-man tournament for the promotion’s light heavyweight belt. There’s no word on who he’ll be facing yet (our guess is another UFC veteran, which is all this tournament is made up of), but we feel confident not giving two shits about this fight regardless. Ranking:


UFC Booking Alert: Rory MacDonald vs. Hector Lombard at UFC 186

(Photo via Getty)

Rory MacDonald‘s next fight will be against the resurgent Cuban judoka and former Bellator middleweight champ, Hector Lombard at UFC 186 in Montreal this April. The initial report came from Vendetta Fighter, but was later confirmed by MMA Fighting.

Late last year, Fans and pundits alike thought MacDonald would face the winner of Robbie Lawler vs. Johny Hendricks II. A controversial decision in Lawler’s favor put the brakes on that since it forced the UFC to book a trilogy between the two welterweights.

MacDonald, left without a dancing partner, will face off with one of the top welterweights in the division in Lombard. We like to think UFC matchmaker Joe Silva booked this fight based on both fighters’ terrible nicknames. We’ve got Rory “The Waterboy” “Ares” “The Red King” vs. Hector “Lightning” “Showweather” Lombard. Ugh. How about the loser AND winner take their nicknames out back and shoot them?


Anthony Pettis vs. Rafael dos Anjos Booked for UFC 185 in Dallas

(Photo via Getty)

Anthony Pettis will defend his lightweight title against Rafael dos Anjos at UFC 185, which takes place March 14th at the American Airlines Center in Dallas, Texas.

Twitter personality Front Row Brian was first to break the news, which was officially announced during the UFC 182 prelims.


Josh Koscheck Returns To The Octagon At UFC 184 Against Neil Magny

(Josh Koscheck deep in thought. / Photo via Getty)

Josh Koscheck will look to avoid being a stepping-stone for the rising Neil Magny when both welterweights collide at UFC 184, according to MMA Junkie.

The Fresno-based fighter, who began a stint as an analyst on FOX Sports 1 and gave our children nightmares on the first day of the job, will be returning from a year of inactivity and mumblings of retirement based on remarks made by Dana White after the former welterweight title challenger was knocked out by Tyron Woodley at UFC 167. It was his second back-to-back knockout loss, falling at the hands of Robbie Lawler before that at UFC 157 back in February 2013. “Kos” is in dire need of a win if he wants to resume fighting, riding a three-fight losing streak. If he topples his opponent in Los Angeles, Calif., it would be his first victory in two years.


Joey Beltran Has Earned a Light Heavyweight Title Shot Against Emanuel Newton, And We’re Not Sure How

(“Your jaw is fine, Joey, but for the love of God, keep him away from your privates!” via Spike)

Former UFC slugger Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran has fallen on some hard times, y’all. While he’s never been what you would call a world-beater, his past five fights have resulted in two decision losses, one knockout loss, a win overturned due to a post-fight failed drug test, and a submission win over a 43-year-old and already retired Vladimir Matyushenko at Bellator 116. A gutsy, take-no-prisoners kind of fighter Beltran may be, but its safe to say that “The Mexicutioner” isn’t exactly next in line for a shot at the title, even in Bellator’s ultra-shallow light heavyweight division.

Oh, MMA, just when I thought I had you figured out!


Henry Cejudo Signs With the UFC, Will Meet Scott Jorgensen at UFC 177

(Henry Cejudo wrestles a crazed MMA fan. / Photo via Getty)

Well, Potato Nation, it appears we may have been…wrong.

Emphasis on may have been.

A few months ago, we called Olympic gold medalist Henry Cejudo the biggest bust in MMA history. At the time, there was plenty of evidence to support it–specifically his apparent lack of focus (and sanity) as far as MMA was concerned. Then there was his involvement with a cult of weird, new age, self-help loons.


Despite Actually Losing the TUF 17 Finale, Everyone is Still Terrified of Uriah Hall

(Gold Bond foot lotion: So soothing, it’ll knock you right off your motherfucking feet.) 

Since we know how much you guys love a good old fashioned conspiracy theory, try this one on for size: Everyone in the middleweight division is still scared shitless of Uriah Hall and will do anything within their power to avoid fighting him. Yes, despite the fact that he dropped a unanimous decision to Kelvin Gastelum in his UFC debut, Hall seemingly cannot find an opponent brave (or healthy) enough to face him at UFC on FOX Sports: Shogun vs. Sonnen on August 17th.

First, Nick “mumblegumblemurglegurgle” Ring was scheduled to face Hall at the event. Then we posted this video, then Ring suspiciously went down with the first “blown asspussy” in UFC history. Ring was quickly replaced by Hall’s fellow TUF 17 alum, Josh Samman, and everything seemed to be back on track. Until yesterday, that is, when Samman likely realized that he would never be able to complete his Ethnography of Women and Violence in Post-war Guatemala thesis while comatose. Subsequently, Samman has also been forced to withdraw from his fight with Hall, paving the way for a certain UFC veteran (and Boston native) to reclaim the spotlight…


Josh Barnett Draws One Scary Looking Sumbitch for His Final Strikeforce Appearance


Meet Nandor “The Hun” Guelmino, a.k.a the man Josh Barnett will face in his final Strikeforce appearance at the hilariously mistitled Strikeforce: Champions event on January 12th. As you might have noticed, he is a terrifying individual who looks something like the freakish offspring of The Tall Man, The Silver Surfer, Imhotep, and an eighty pound bag of cement. With a record of 11-3, Guelmino has collected 7 straight victories not by consuming the souls of his opponents before pulling their spinal chords through their assholes as one would imagine, but rather by two earthly TKO’s, three submissions, and a pair of decisions. At 6’3” and just over 230 pounds, perhaps the most freakish thing about Guelmino is that he will actually be giving away some size to Barnett, who usually weighs in at just under 250lbs.

Having collected 6 victories by way of submission, it will be interesting to see how Guelmino will deals with the aggressive grappling attack of a guy like Barnett. My prediction: By lifting Barnett above his head, putting him in The Torture Rack, and spiking him through the canvas like a football. He will then grab the microphone from Gus Johnson and proclaim himself to be Ashta, Devourer of Worlds before unleashing a hellish sand monster in his likeness that descends upon the audience and wipes them out in one final flurry. Despite the massive loss of life, the moment will ultimately be declared a bit of redemption for Strikeforce.

Get familiar with “The Hun” after the jump.


Loser Leaves Town Alert: Leonard Garcia vs. Cody McKenzie Booked for UFC 155

Clearly, there are zero inappropriate jokes to be made here.

In the territorial days of professional wrestling, the loser leaves town match was a way for wrestling promoters to wrap up a storyline when one of the wrestlers left his company for a rival promotion. Even though MMA is much different from professional wrestling, our sport still books these fights every so often. It isn’t exactly uncommon for the UFC to book fights between two not-quite-contenders, where the losers receive a pink slip and a call from Ray or Bjorn.

Case in point: The UFC announced yesterday that featherweights Leonard Garcia and Cody McKenzie will meet up at UFC 155. With both men being a combined 3-7 in their last ten fights (2-8 if you aren’t blind, deaf and dumb), and both coming off of less-than-impressive losses, the loser of this fight will almost certainly be spending time outside of the UFC.

On paper, Leonard Garcia is heading into this bout in worse condition than his opponent. Garcia has only won once in his last five fights, and that victory was a total bullshit decision over Nam Phan. The only thing that may save Garcia is the fact that he’s usually entertaining in defeat – his Zuffa career includes a total of five Fight of the Night awards, one Knockout of the Night and 2010′s Fight of the Year, a total bullshit victory over The Korean Zombie at WEC 48. Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, judges have an inexplicable love for the guy.


So, Roy Jones Jr. And ‘Kimbo Slice’ Are Going to Fight Each Other

If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.


Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.