MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

Tag: Fight booking

Joey Beltran Has Earned a Light Heavyweight Title Shot Against Emanuel Newton, And We’re Not Sure How


(“Your jaw is fine, Joey, but for the love of God, keep him away from your privates!” via Spike)

Former UFC slugger Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran has fallen on some hard times, y’all. While he’s never been what you would call a world-beater, his past five fights have resulted in two decision losses, one knockout loss, a win overturned due to a post-fight failed drug test, and a submission win over a 43-year-old and already retired Vladimir Matyushenko at Bellator 116. A gutsy, take-no-prisoners kind of fighter Beltran may be, but its safe to say that “The Mexicutioner” isn’t exactly next in line for a shot at the title, even in Bellator’s ultra-shallow light heavyweight division.

Oh, MMA, just when I thought I had you figured out!

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Henry Cejudo Signs With the UFC, Will Meet Scott Jorgensen at UFC 177


(Henry Cejudo wrestles a crazed MMA fan. / Photo via Getty)

Well, Potato Nation, it appears we may have been…wrong.

Emphasis on may have been.

A few months ago, we called Olympic gold medalist Henry Cejudo the biggest bust in MMA history. At the time, there was plenty of evidence to support it–specifically his apparent lack of focus (and sanity) as far as MMA was concerned. Then there was his involvement with a cult of weird, new age, self-help loons.

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Despite Actually Losing the TUF 17 Finale, Everyone is Still Terrified of Uriah Hall


(Gold Bond foot lotion: So soothing, it’ll knock you right off your motherfucking feet.) 

Since we know how much you guys love a good old fashioned conspiracy theory, try this one on for size: Everyone in the middleweight division is still scared shitless of Uriah Hall and will do anything within their power to avoid fighting him. Yes, despite the fact that he dropped a unanimous decision to Kelvin Gastelum in his UFC debut, Hall seemingly cannot find an opponent brave (or healthy) enough to face him at UFC on FOX Sports: Shogun vs. Sonnen on August 17th.

First, Nick “mumblegumblemurglegurgle” Ring was scheduled to face Hall at the event. Then we posted this video, then Ring suspiciously went down with the first “blown asspussy” in UFC history. Ring was quickly replaced by Hall’s fellow TUF 17 alum, Josh Samman, and everything seemed to be back on track. Until yesterday, that is, when Samman likely realized that he would never be able to complete his Ethnography of Women and Violence in Post-war Guatemala thesis while comatose. Subsequently, Samman has also been forced to withdraw from his fight with Hall, paving the way for a certain UFC veteran (and Boston native) to reclaim the spotlight…

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Josh Barnett Draws One Scary Looking Sumbitch for His Final Strikeforce Appearance


(DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO THE GIRL, JUST DON’T HURT ME.) 

Meet Nandor “The Hun” Guelmino, a.k.a the man Josh Barnett will face in his final Strikeforce appearance at the hilariously mistitled Strikeforce: Champions event on January 12th. As you might have noticed, he is a terrifying individual who looks something like the freakish offspring of The Tall Man, The Silver Surfer, Imhotep, and an eighty pound bag of cement. With a record of 11-3, Guelmino has collected 7 straight victories not by consuming the souls of his opponents before pulling their spinal chords through their assholes as one would imagine, but rather by two earthly TKO’s, three submissions, and a pair of decisions. At 6’3” and just over 230 pounds, perhaps the most freakish thing about Guelmino is that he will actually be giving away some size to Barnett, who usually weighs in at just under 250lbs.

Having collected 6 victories by way of submission, it will be interesting to see how Guelmino will deals with the aggressive grappling attack of a guy like Barnett. My prediction: By lifting Barnett above his head, putting him in The Torture Rack, and spiking him through the canvas like a football. He will then grab the microphone from Gus Johnson and proclaim himself to be Ashta, Devourer of Worlds before unleashing a hellish sand monster in his likeness that descends upon the audience and wipes them out in one final flurry. Despite the massive loss of life, the moment will ultimately be declared a bit of redemption for Strikeforce.

Get familiar with “The Hun” after the jump.

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Loser Leaves Town Alert: Leonard Garcia vs. Cody McKenzie Booked for UFC 155


Clearly, there are zero inappropriate jokes to be made here.

In the territorial days of professional wrestling, the loser leaves town match was a way for wrestling promoters to wrap up a storyline when one of the wrestlers left his company for a rival promotion. Even though MMA is much different from professional wrestling, our sport still books these fights every so often. It isn’t exactly uncommon for the UFC to book fights between two not-quite-contenders, where the losers receive a pink slip and a call from Ray or Bjorn.

Case in point: The UFC announced yesterday that featherweights Leonard Garcia and Cody McKenzie will meet up at UFC 155. With both men being a combined 3-7 in their last ten fights (2-8 if you aren’t blind, deaf and dumb), and both coming off of less-than-impressive losses, the loser of this fight will almost certainly be spending time outside of the UFC.

On paper, Leonard Garcia is heading into this bout in worse condition than his opponent. Garcia has only won once in his last five fights, and that victory was a total bullshit decision over Nam Phan. The only thing that may save Garcia is the fact that he’s usually entertaining in defeat – his Zuffa career includes a total of five Fight of the Night awards, one Knockout of the Night and 2010′s Fight of the Year, a total bullshit victory over The Korean Zombie at WEC 48. Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, judges have an inexplicable love for the guy.

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So, Roy Jones Jr. And ‘Kimbo Slice’ Are Going to Fight Each Other

If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.

Yup.

Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.

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Barnburner Alert: Eddie Alvarez to Face Patricky “Pitbull” Freire in Final Bellator Appearance

Eddie Alvarez Bellator tk
(Suck it, Javier Sotomayor.) 

In what will either make for a triumphant or disastrous turning point in Eddie Alvarez’s career (specifically, his marketability), the former Bellator lightweight champion has been booked to take on Brazilian knockout artist Patricky “Pitbull” Freire at Bellator 75, which goes down on October 12th at Caesar’s Windsor in Canada.

After collecting seven straight wins under the Bellator banner (6 by way of stoppage), Alvarez lost his lightweight strap in dramatic fashion, falling prey to a fourth round submission in a battle for the ages at Bellator 58 to Michael Chandler. Most recently, Alvarez earned some much sought after revenge when he battered and dispatched Shinya Aoki in the first round of their Bellator 66 throwdown, and immediately began  making his case for a potential spot amongst the UFC’s ever growing lightweight roster thereafter. It just goes to show what beating up a man in multi-colored pastel tights can do for one’s confidence.

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Gilbert Melendez Finally Booked to Fight Someone Other Than Josh Thompson on September 29th


(And to think, if I hadn’t accidentally called Dana “Baldfather” during that interview, I’d be fighting Ben Henderson right about now.) 

When we first heard word that Strikeforce was considering booking a completely unnecessary fourth match between lightweight champ Gilbert Melendez and Josh Thompson, we more or less saw it as a sign that Strikeforce’s lightweight division, not unlike their heavyweight, welterweight, and pretty much every other division, was simply biding its time until the UFC inevitably absorbed it. We were elated to find out shortly thereafter that Thompson was making the whole thing up, possibly under the belief that if the rumor gained enough steam, Scott Coker would sit idly by and let the match happen again and again until Thompson finally emerged victorious.

Fortunately, someone had good enough sense to book Melendez a fight against top contender Pat Healy on September 29th instead, which will make for Melendez’s fifth title defense should he be successful. Although Healy can’t hold a candle to Thompson as far as turning in exciting performances goes (Thompson’s snoozer against K.J. Noons outstanding), it will be nice to see Melendez finally face off against the only other lightweight in the division who stands at least a snowball’s chance in Hell of beating him.

More details after the jump. 

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Wow, It’s Actually Happening: Former WWE Champion Dave Bautista Making MMA Debut on October 6


“Okay Chael, I got right into the triangle defense you taught me! Now what?”

File this one under “Better (I guess) late than never.”

TMZ is reporting that former WWE Champion Dave Bautista – better known by his incredibly clever stage name “Batista” – has inked a deal with Rhode Island’s CES MMA. He will be making his professional MMA debut on October 6, which will take place at the Dunkin’ Donuts Center in Providence, Rhode Island.

His opponent is thirty-three year old Rashid “Smash” Evans, who will also be making his professional MMA debut. Evans went 3-2 in amateur competition, with his most recent victory being a second round submission via strikes victory over Brett Jenkins at Barbarian Fight Club “2012″ in January.

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Miesha Tate Returns to Action Against Julie Kedzie at ‘Strikeforce: Rousey vs. Kaufman’

Miesha Tate bikini photos MMA fighter Strikeforce hot
(It may not be the most conventional fight attire, but we’ll give Miesha a ton of fap style points for the effort.) 

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a few short months since Miesha Tate nearly had her arm torn in two by Ronda Rousey in the their bantamweight championship showdown on March 3rd. It was undoubtedly one of the most heated (not to mention hyped) fights in WMMA history, and did not disappoint once the caged door closed. As it turns out, despite the fact that Meisha ended up coming short and losing her belt in the process, the fight didn’t even come close to squashing the beef between her and Rousey. How appropriate then, that it was recently announced that the former champ has been booked to take on Julie Kedzie at the same event that Rousey will attempt to defend her belt for the first time against Sarah Kaufman.

Is this just an attempt by Strikeforce to pack as many exciting fights as possible into their ever-decreasing number of cards, or rather an elaborate ploy to set up another post fight brawl that will in turn hype the inevitable rematch between Rousey and Tate?

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