(Props: MiddleEasy via MMeh)

Never in our life did we think we would witness a combat sports performance more embarrassing than Nick “Turbo Tax” Capes’ dive against former NFL defensive end Ray Edwards last February. We were wrong. We were so goddamn wrong.

Perhaps all the years spent covering the travesty that is Bob Sapp have desensitized us to the art of the flop. Perhaps we’re just getting too old for this shit. But in all of Sapp’s positively miserable performances, we never once saw him, as our buddies over at MiddleEasy so eloquently put it, “tap to a sprawl.” Sure, he’s tapped to strikes, a takedown, and been knocked out by a phantom punch or two in his time, but this…this is somehow worse.

(Props: ztube11320 via KickYoNuts)

Yeah, this clip might be four years old, but we’ve never seen it before, and we literally watch everything on the Internet that’s related to MMA — even the crap that’s only related in a vague, tangential sort of way — so it’s probably new to you as well. During a 2009 C3 MMA event in Hammond, Indiana, a pair of sluggers nearly produced the world’s first through-the-ropes double knockout. If only the white guy with the braids had lost consciousness, this would probably be the greatest fight-ending in the history of the sport. I guess you’ll just have to settle for one guy getting KO’d out of the ring. At any rate, it goes great with that first cup of coffee.

(Props: fcfightlog via Deadspin)

During yesterday’s NHL game between the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Ottawa Senators, Toronto left-winger Frazer McLaren and Ottawa forward David Dziurzynski dropped their gloves just 26 seconds into the first period, and after a few seconds of Fyre/Takayama’ing, McLaren shut the Senators rookie completely off with a right hand. Dziurzynski fell directly onto his face following the knockout blow, reportedly suffering a concussion. Dziurzynski didn’t return to the game, and required eight stitches to close a cut on his chin. Toronto went on to win the game 5-4. As McLaren explained afterwards:

“I hope he’s OK,” McLaren told the Canadian Press, adding that he had asked Dziurzynski to fight because the Maple Leafs started out flat in their last game. “I was just trying to get us going early. I asked him (to fight) and he actually said no, so I thought we weren’t going to go and then he ended up dropping his stuff there when the puck dropped. He’s a big guy and he actually gave me a few good ones early there.”

Hockey. The child porn of ice sports.

(Eduardo Dantas vs. Marcos Galvao video, via allthebestfights.com. Fight starts at the 1:48 mark)

So far, Eduardo Dantas‘s run in Bellator has been flawless. The aggressive Nova União member went 3-0 during the Season 5 bantamweight tournament in 2011, then choked out Zach Makovsky last year to win the promotion’s 135-pound title. Four months later, Dantas fooled around and got knocked out by American prospect Tyson Nam in an utterly meaningless fight for Shooto Brazil. (Bellator responded by threatening to sue Tyson Nam. Not a good look, guys.)

Last night’s Bellator 89 main event offered “DuDu” a shot at redemption, and fortunately, he rose to the occasion. Dantas made his first Bellator title defense against his teammate and former mentor Marcos Galvao, who won last year’s Season 6 bantamweight tourney. Dantas’s stiff jab and overall accuracy gave him the edge in the opening frame, and he turned up the heat even further in round 2, out-landing Galvao and rocking him with a head-kick. After a few more striking exchanges, Dantas found his kill-shot — a right-uppercut that buckled Galvao and sent him to the mat. A few more hammer-fists from the top, and it was lights out for the challenger.

Dantas was very emotional following the fight. “I’m sad and happy,” he said. “Sad because I had to fight my friend, and happy to still be champion of Bellator.” See? It’s not the end of the world, guys.

Bellator 89 also featured the Season 8 middleweight quarterfinals, which featured Bellator vets Brett Cooper and Dan Cramer picking up decision wins (over Norman Paraisy and Brian Rogers, respectively), as well as Russian newcomer Sultan Aliev out-pointing previously undefeated Mikkel Parlo. And let’s talk about Doug Marshall for a second, shall we? After showing up at Bellator 82 and KO’ing Kala Hose in 22 seconds, the former WEC light-heavyweight champ entered the middleweight bracket last night against Season 6 middleweight tournament finalist Andreas Spang, and knocked him out in just three minutes, adding another entry to the walkoff KO hall of fame. A couple more fights like this, and Marshall will have to change his nickname from “The Rhino” to “The White Hector Lombard.”

After the jump: Videos of the Marshall vs. Spang fight as well as a 15-second armbar from the prelims, and complete event results.

We honestly have no idea who Sasa Drobac is. A quick Google search of his name led us to a Croatian MMA League website which goes by — we shit you not — “Only Men Stuff.” If you didn’t click on that link, we wouldn’t blame you is all we’re saying. But the fact of the matter is, we don’t really need to know anything about Drobac to know that the dude is a badass in the truest sense of the word. Just check out the above video of his fight last weekend and try to tell us otherwise.

After getting caught with a front kick to the chest and eating a flurry of punches that would have made a sans-steroids Alistair Overeem crumble to the mat in agony (RELEVANCE), Drobac proceeds to leap into a counter flying armbar so beautifully timed that I think it gave me an STD. Hopefully it’s one of the fun ones, because chlamydia hasn’t exactly been the 24/7 laughfest that the mainstream media would have you believe it is.

If you have any information on this mysterious Drobac fellow (MMA record, age, list of known superpowers), feel free to give us a shout in the comments section.

-J. Jones

“A true warrior never puts down his sword and I love to do it. It’s as simple as that. I never left.”

Those were the words spoken by MMA pioneer and schnauzer-impersonator Tank Abbott yesterday when he announced his return to the sport of MMA after a three year absence. Yes, despite dropping 8 of his last 10 contests by first round stoppage and venturing into the bizarre worlds of celebrity boxing and backyard wrestling in his spare time, the 47 year-old Abbott is giving this MMA thing another try. We guarantee this judgement call has nothing to do with the fact that he just spent the last of the money he made for the Kimbo Slice fight on a bottle of Fleischmann’s that is now empty.

Even more shocking than Abbott’s decision to knock ten more years off his life was his decision to ditch the gorgeous hairpiece/Santa beard combination that we last saw him donning. The interviewer in the above video also noticed this, and showed a shocking lack of awareness when asking Tank why he decided to shave it off, as if it was ever real hair to begin with. “I don’t need long hair when I’m training,” Tank calmly replied, also bewildered that his bird’s nest could have possibly fooled someone that wasn’t legally blind.

After the jump: A full video of Tank’s last performance, in which he clubbed the back of Mike Bourke’s skull like a baby seal at the same event that saw Ken Shamrock defeat a now-deceased, morbidly obese white dude with cornrows before testing positive for steroids. Simpler times, simpler times.

(The best part about having palm trees tattooed across your waistline, you ask? Endless cocoNUT jokes.)

A bit of mixed news for fans of the featherweight division, as word just broke that Dennis Siver has been forced to withdraw from his UFC on FUEL 7 bout with Cub Swanson for undisclosed reasons. The good news: stepping in for Siver will be Dustin Poirier, an exciting slugger who has picked up end of the night bonuses in two out of his last three contests. Although Poirier doesn’t exactly match the ridiculous offensive output of Siver, you can bet the ranch that this fight will net another bonus for at least one of these gentlemen when all is said and done.

A fellow top contender, Poirier recently bounced back into the win column by beating TUF 12 winner Jonathan Brookins into damn near retirement. Swanson, on the other hand, has been on an absolute killing spree in his last three bouts, finishing George Roop, Ross Pearson, and Charles Oliveira with punches inside the first two rounds. In fact, before Siver dropped out, Swanson stated on his Twitter account that the fight was being lobbied as the potential number 1 contender matchup at 145. Meanwhile, Chan-Sung Jung has apparently fallen off the face of the earth.

After the jump: Full fight videos of Poirier vs. Brookins and Swanson vs. Oliveira, which we secured through completely legal means. We swear. Just don’t tell anyone you got them from us, OK?

Before I was a writer here at CagePotato, some of my favorite columns to read were the “New Guys” features devoted entirely to familiarizing us with the unfamiliar faces sprinkled throughout the average UFC card. It made the preliminary action far more exciting in my opinion, and more importantly made me look like less an MMA fan, more a prophet when making picks against my friends on fight night. I would of course plead ignorance after I had successfully transferred their money into my wallet, but hey, that’s what they get for saying “This Cyprus Diabetes guy is going to get straight up murdered by Luiz Cane.”

So to begin a year in which 95 or so percent of scheduled UFC fights will likely be cancelled due to injury, we figured we would brush off this old feature moving forward, if only to brief you on the no-namers who will inevitably be stepping in on short notice to replace our plagued MMA stars. Today’s edition focuses on the upcoming UFC on FX 7 card headlined by Michael Bisping vs. Vitor Belfort, and features a pair of dangerous, well-rounded sluggers hailing from, you guessed it, Brazil. Funny how that always seems to be the case.

(Props to Fightlinker for the find.)

Before you guys start jumping on your soapboxes in regards to the legitimacy of street fight videos on an MMA website, just check this shit out right here. I’m not one to unnecessarily hype up a video, but I am going to go ahead and declare this THE GREATEST STREET FIGHT KNOCKOUT OF ALL TIME.

Here’s the backstory as I imagined it: Aryan Abe Lincoln was just coming home from a rough day at work. He blew a tire on the way in, forgot to pack a lunch, and got royally chewed out by his boss because Johnson in accounting had botched his quarterly reports (again!). And to make matters worse, his whore of a wife — I say “whore” because it was well known by Aryan Abe’s neighbors that she was a Bulgarian prostitute he had mail-ordered — had gone and jumped into bed with the pool boy, Ronie with one n, who was now standing outside Abe’s house declaring that he would fight for her love.

Unfortunately for Ronie, Aryan Abe had been studying Muay Thai over the past few years, you know, to cope with the fact that his wife was a whore, and quickly put the kibosh on Ronie’s proposal in emphatic fashion. That sound you heard, believe it or not, was not that of a bologna roll being dropped from a roof off screen, but that of poor Ronie’s dreams and aspirations coming to a crashing halt.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce to you the white Michael Page. His name is Conor McGregor, and on Monday he became the first two-division (featherweight and now lightweight — you hear that, Andy?) champion in Cage Warriors Fighting Championship history by starching Ivan Buchinger in the opening round of their headlining matchup at Cage Warriors 51. Combining some insanely fast hands with a flashy capoeira background, the Irishman has quickly made a name for himself in the European MMA scene, thanks in no small part to the fact that he has collected all of his twelve victories via stoppage (11 KO, 1 sub), including a four second knockout of perhaps the most Irish-named man of them all, Paddy Doherty.

McGregor’s most recent bit of handiwork is above, but join us after the jump to get real familiar with Ireland’s hottest rising prospect.

What a difference two years can make. Back in 2010, Megumi Fujii was basically being labeled as the Fedor Emelianenko (circa 2007) of Women’s MMA — a mysterious, unstoppable killing machine who would easily run through all American opposition whenever she decided to make the move stateside. And indeed, her first three Bellator performances cemented her status as the top dog at 115 pounds, ending in two armbar stoppages and one TKO finish. Scratch that, her first four performances lived up to the hype she had built in Japan, the only difference in her fourth performance at Bellator 34 being that she let the fight go to decision and was therefore screwed out of a title for reasons unknown. Fujii’s opponent in that fight, Zoila Gurgel, would honor this gift decision by never defending said belt again, while Fujii would fight just once more in America, losing a unanimous decision to Jessica Aguilar at Bellator 69 in May of this year.

Shame decision aside, Fujii returned to action on Christmas Eve to square off against Mei Yamaguchi at Vale Tudo Japan 2012 and walked away with a clear cut unanimous decision victory, the video of which is above. Rumors circulated before the event that this would be Fujii’s final WMMA fight, and although she has yet to officially retire, the general consensus seems to be that the rumors are true.

We will hold off on the video tribute until an official announcement is made, but join us after the jump for a wicked highlight of Fujii’s reign of terror.

(Contrary to what R. Kelly always told him, Voelker was never able to spread his wings and fly away just because he believed he could.)

We swear this will be our last Patrick Cote-related article for at least a few days, you guys. But being that “The Predator” recently announced his drop to the welterweight division following the cancellation of his rematch with Alessio Sakara and declared that he was still hoping to still fight at UFC 158, we figured we would at least write a follow up now that an opponent has in fact been named. Yes, Cote will be fighting on the Montreal card in his welterweight debut against Bobby “Vicious” Voelker, a five-fight Strikeforce Challengers veteran who boasts an impressive 24-8 record to his credit.

Known for his trio of highly entertaining bouts with Roger Bowling under the Strikeforce: Challengers banner, the 33 year-old Kansas City native has developed a reputation as a comeback specialist, so check out some of his handiwork after the jump.

(James Thompson, seen here demonstrating the CagePotato “What in the bloody hell are you on about, mate?” rule of early stoppages.) 

Over the past few days, we’ve witnessed a pair of rarely seen finishes in the octagon — a suplex KO and a flying reverse triangle — and after we here at CagePotato collectively picked our jaws up off the floor and found a clean pair of shorts, we got to thinking, what other techniques/finishes do we rarely come across in the MMA stratosphere? And more importantly, which of these techniques/finishes have we not devoted some sort of gif or video tribute to already?

Taking all of those factors into account, we came to the standing TKO, a finish so uncommon in MMA that we could only name a handful of occurrences before having to resort to the Interwebs for assistance. So in honor of the iron-jawed sumbitches who wouldn’t bow to defeat even when it was kneeing/punching/kicking them damn near to death, we’ve placed our favorite examples of this phenomenon below. Check ‘em out after the jump and let us know which stoppages you thought were warranted and which ones could have gone on a little longer.

(Props: Kalle Uusitalo via the UG)

Rustam Khabilov‘s UFC debut at the TUF 16 Finale resulted in a first-round knockout of Vinc Pichel; the fight was finished by the last of three suplexes. (Somewhere in Coldwater, Michigan, Dan Severn sheds a single tear.) But as rare as suplex-KOs are in this sport, it wasn’t the first time that the Russian lightweight has pulled it off.

On August 16, 2009, Khabilov faced Akin Duran at an M-1 Challenge event in the Netherlands. The fight lasted all of 28 seconds. Watch as Khabilov takes the center of the ring, corrals Duran into a corner, clinches, then drops Duran directly onto his head with a belly-to-belly suplex, knocking him out immediately. Duran never fought again.

As for Khabilov, he joined Greg Jackson’s team about two years ago, built his record to 14-1, then pulled off one of the most impressive Octagon debuts since these guys. Any ideas on who he should fight next?

The original title of this post was going to be something along the lines of “F’n A, Cotton! Some G Just J’d Into a RT at HFC, SOTY?” However, feeling that it didn’t hold up to the high standard of journalistic integrity you’re used to seeing on CagePotato, I thought I’d go with a more straightforward title. In either case, here’s some Guy named Wolfgang Janssen Jumping into a Reverse Triangle at last weekend’s Havoc Fighting Championship 1 card. He may have used a little help from the fence to do so, but damn, that is a Submission of the Year nominee if I’ve ever seen one. Agree or disagree?

Props to our buddies at MiddleEasy for stumbling upon this beautiful piece of footage.

-J. Jones

A few months ago, we ran a story about the above fight between Justin Kristie and David Baxter at Warrior Nation XFA 3, in which Kristie choked Baxter unconscious as the first round buzzer rang only to have Baxter be revived by the ringside physicians and allowed to continue, ultimately resulting in an unbelievable second round TKO win for Baxter. And while the events that transpired were oddly humorous on a surface level (you know, in a David Carradine sort of way), there was no denying that a serious injustice had been carried out before our very eyes.

Well Nation, you will be happy to know that the Massachusetts State Athletic Commission recently overturned Baxter’s victory to a no contest. It’s an unfortunate turn of events for Baxter, but in reality, he should just be thankful that he walked away from the whole ordeal without the loss he deserved. Unfortunately, the referee who allowed this fight to continue was not taken behind a barn and beaten senseless with a mahogany cane, which is the real travesty here.

Do you agree with the athletic commissions call, Potato Nation?

-J. Jones

(Palelei vs. McCorkle, as reenacted by The Incredible Hulk and the mythical God Loki, respectively. The actual video is after the jump, but this is basically what happened.) 

When we last checked in on Sean “Big Sexy” McCorkle, he had just lost a cardio battle to an amorphous blob and vowed to retire from the sport if he ever gave such a pathetic showing again. Unfortunately for Sean, his next scheduled fight was against Soa “The Hulk” Palelei — a fellow UFC veteran who was far more dangerous than the tomato cans McCorkle has padded his record with over the years — at AFC 4 last weekend. Fortunately for Sean, his piss poor cardio had absolutely nothing to do with his downfall this time out, so at least he won’t have to go back on his word. It’s a small victory, sure, but one that most of us would probably cherish if we flew all the way to Australia to land roughly zero punches and get smashed through the canvas by Palelei’s megaton fists of fury like McCorkle did.

Video after the jump. 

(I don’t know, this song seems oddly appropriate.) 

Let me ask you something, Potato Nation; after the unstoppable killing machine that is the 2012 injury curse claimed Tim Means via sauna room KO yesterday, did you think there was any possible way it could get worse? I may not know what your answer is, but I’m going to go ahead and declare you DEAD F*CKING WRONG. Last night’s Bellator 83 main event was supposed to determine the winner of the Season Seven Featherweight Tournament, pitting Shahbulat Shamhalaev against Rad Martinez. But oh, if only life were so simple. Not content with claiming fighters in the days before a fight, the injury curse struck down Shamhalaev with food poisoning during the God damn broadcast last night, forcing the bout to be shuffled to next week’s Bellator 84 card, where one of these two will probably obliterate the testicles of their opponent with a low kick and we can start this tragic experiment all over again.

Now without a main event, the co-main event matchup between former Bellator bantamweight champion Zach Mackovsky and Anthony Leone was bumped up to top billing. But I don’t want to talk about that fight (which Leone out-grappled the undersized Mackovsky en route to a SD victory). I want to talk about the flyweight matchup between Jessica Eye and Bellator 115 pound champ Zoila Gurgel, which despite lasting less than a minute was easily the highlight of a night filled with decisions.

Video and full results after the jump. 

In case you haven’t been following the career of CagePotato’s own “Proving Grounds” Winner Nick Newell lately, all you have to know is that he is still an undefeated ass-kicking machine. On the heels of his most impressive victory to date over Adam Mays (see above), Newell will be looking to improve to a perfect 9-0 when he takes on the toughest test of his career, Bellator veteran Eric Reynolds, in the main event of XFC 21, which goes down tomorrow night from the Nashville Municipal Auditorium in Tennessee.

Sporting a 16-5 record, Reynolds is no slouch to say the least. Although they were ultimately losing efforts, Reynolds made it three rounds with former Bellator lightweight champ Eddie Alvarez and former Strikeforce lightweight title challenger Jorge Masvidal in back-to-back efforts during his stint with Bellator in 2009. Now riding a three fight win streak, Reynolds will surely have his hands full with Newell, who proved in his victory over Denis Hernandez at XFC 15 (an event headlined by Reynolds) that he is just as deadly on the ground as he is on the feet.

You can catch the fight live on AXS TV, which is available for free as an app on your iPhone or iPad.

We’re not sure if Mamed Khalidov has been workshopping any nickname ideas, but as the unofficial authorities on this subject, we’d like to suggest “The Compactor.” Because for the past two or so years, Khalidov has been making his living collecting the UFC’s trash and shredding them into bite-sized pieces before disposing of them like yesterday’s leftovers. In this regard, his victory over TUF 3 winner Kendall Grove was a success, as he secured a rarely seen achilles lock to put Grove away inside the distance. But in a way, the win was one of Khalidov’s less impressive performances in recent memory. I mean, he even let Grove get to the second round for Chrissakes, and considering UFC veterans like Rodney Wallace, James “WHY ME?!” Irvin, Matt Lindland, and Jesse Taylor couldn’t make it out of the second minute, it really makes you wonder just why Khalidov decided to dick around for as long as he did.

We kid, we kid. In his last six fights, Khalidov has scored two victories by knockout, one by armbar, one by kneebar, one by guillotine, and one by the aforementioned Achilles lock. The man is as close to a human Swiss army knife as you will ever find, and once the UFC offers him a contract worth more than the paper it’s printed on, expect to see him making waves stateside.

Unfortunately, the video of his fight with Grove in unembeddable, so you’ll have to go here to check it out.

After the jump: Videos of the night’s co-main event — which pitted Rodney Wallace against Michael Materla for the KSW middleweight title — and the scrap between UFC veterans Matt Horwich and Terry Martin.

(When Marcus Davis says he’s going to be Sloth for Halloween, Marcus Davis IS Sloth for Halloween.) 

Before Nate Diaz decided to put the Funyuns aside and start making a serious run at the 155 lb title, he floated between the welterweight and lightweight divisions for the majority of his UFC career with mixed results. However, his greatest performance at 170 came at UFC 118, where Diaz faced off against Irish-American powerhouse Marcus Davis. Known for his Angel of Death right hand, Davis was fresh off a TKO victory over the UFC’s favorite narcoleptic French Canadian, Jonathan Goulet, at UFC 114, and planned to do the same with Nate. But as Rory Markham and Melvin Guillard should have informed him, one-punch knockout power stands no chance against the iron chin and hailstorm of pitter-patter punches that constitute a Diaz beating.

The fight was classic Diaz — taunting within the first 30 seconds of the fight, getting rocked yet continuing to taunt upon recovery, breaking their opponents will until they finally give up — and received Fight of the Night honors when all was said and done. While we can assume that Nate blew the extra cash on beluga caviar and front row tickets to A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Davis undoubtedly spent his hiring Thedus’ finest doctor to remove the baby alien that Diaz had somehow implanted in his right eyeball.

Video after the jump. 

In our first installment of MMA in the Wild, we observed the fighting patterns of the HillBillyetica DipShiticus, a creature that used Facebook chicanery and a surprisingly diverse striking attack to display his dominance as alpha male of the porch-dwelling, slack-jawed humanoid tribe. In today’s installment, we will witness a beast of an entirely different nature (puns!), known henceforth as the Ninjitsu Ballisticus. Combining the hidden rage of the World of Warcraft freak out kid with the technical striking abilities of a young Cung Le, Ballisticus does not head into the wild seeking a fight, and will only resort to such primitive methods of solving a dispute when his back is against a wall.

But when his back is against the wall, prepare for hell, because he will hit you with such force that both a visible dust cloud will appear on impact and THE GUILE THEME SONG WILL BE EXPELLED FROM THE HEAVENS.

And just as quickly as he thrashes you to and fro like some kind of child’s play thing, he will declare that “He didn’t come to the river for this shit!” before vanishing back into the trees. The Ninjitsu Ballisticus, ladies and gentlemen.

-J. Jones

You guys remember when Jordan Mein elbow-raped Evangelista Santos like a God damned Papau New Guinea savage back at Strikeforce: Kharitonov vs. Barnett? Well, he did the same thing again last weekend to Forrest Petz, who is kind of like the poor man’s Jay Hieron, meaning that he is damn near flawless on the local circuit, yet falls apart every time we see him under the bright lights. To be fair, Petz can actually claim a UFC victory under his belt (he’s actually 2-5 lifetime), but Jordan Mein gives not a shit about where you’ve been. He only cares about where you are going to be, which, should you decided to scrap with him, will be crumpled against the cage beneath a hellstorm of elbows that would send Kenny Florian into a jealous, baby-kicking tantrum.

Not unlike Sensodyne’s rapport with American dentists, 9 out of Mein’s last 10 opponents would recommend him to anyone seeking to get their ass kicked. Now that he’s managed to successfully separate himself from Strikeforce’s sinking ship, how long do you think it will be until we see this kid in the UFC?

-J. Jones

(The word “harpooned” comes to mind. Props: labrea69, via the always-entertaining Tuesday Night Fights feature on Deadspin)

- David vs. Goliath freak-show booking? Check.

- Walk-off knockout? Check.

- Loser collapses lawn-chair style? Check…

- …with his enormous belly exposed to all humanity? CHECK.

The only way this KO would be more satisfying is if the fat dude (aka “400 Pound Boy From Detroit“) started involuntarily masturbating while unconscious, and then Maury Povich walked up to inform him that in the case of 2-year-old Teesha, he in fact is the father. Aside from that, awesome stuff, Internet.

(Skip to the 1:30 mark to watch Karma work its magic.) 

There is perhaps no greater a hooley-hoo punk-ass jabroni in the MMA world than the guy who fakes the glove tap and immediately tries to knock his opponent out/take him down. It’s a garbage ass maneuver, perpetrated by only the soggiest of floor turds, but the one good thing that can come from such blatant bitchassery is watching it backfire in said jabroni’s face. Paul Kelly tried it against Donald Cerrone at UFC 126 and was promptly strangled for his efforts. JR Fuller tried it against Jonathan Harris and was promptly dicknailed. But today’s cheap-shotter, Adam Fyfe, almost got away with this bitch move when he pulled it on fellow ammy Alex Thorne at Absolute Adrenaline: Platinum on November 4th. Almost. 

Although Jeff Monson wisely avoided his go-to strategy of fucking dudes for free when he met Aleksander “Patient Zero” Emelianenko at M-1 Challenge 35 yesterday, he was able to come away with another one of his signature North-South submission victories. We wouldn’t exactly call the events leading up to said finish pretty — Monson’s wild, looping punches in the early going only looked passable when compared to the half-assed takedown attempts that followed them, but “The Snowman” did manage to sweep Emelianenko once things hit the ground in the first round and controlled the Russian for the rest of the fight thereafter.

(“Can you guys hurry this up? My Mom…I mean The Phoenix signal is calling.”)

If you are an MMA fan, a comic book fan, or just a really lonely guy, then you’ve probably heard the story of Phoenix Jones a.k.a Ben Fodor, the amateur MMA fighter/”superhero” that according to his Wikipedia page “is an American leader of a ten-member citizen crime-prevention patrol group who call themselves the Rain City Superhero Movement.” So basically, a bunch of dudes who never met a Friday night they couldn’t squander formed a neighborhood watch group and dressed in cosplay. Because as we all know, the best way to be taken seriously is to dress up like a bumblebee and hand out life lessons to the drunks who happen to stumble out of the bars each night.

In any case, the world’s least anonymous superhero encountered one such drunk last weekend. After informing the police of the situation, Fodor challenged the drunken fellow to “mutual combat,” which is apparently a law dictating that if two parties have expressed an equal desire to fight one another, they can do so without the threat of legal action as long as neither participant uses unreasonable force. Awesome.

Video after the jump.

(A full replay of Quieroz vs. Volkov. For those of you who don’t have time for the whole thing, the relevant bits are after the jump.)

Although it’s a given that fight promotions have no control over which referees are assigned to their events/fights — because if they did, Dana White would have permanently relegated Steve Mazaggati to the UFC’s super secret “AIDS-ridden Lion Fights” division — it has become apparent that Bellator is clearly getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to acquiring a decent referee. Just a couple weeks ago at Bellator 78, referee Jerry Poe allowed Andrey Koreshkov to savage Maruis Zaromskis’ unconscious body so badly that it would have been considered necrophilia in some states. And just two events later at Bellator 80, referee James Warring displayed a similar, albeit less dangerous, incompetency during the Vinicius Queiroz/Alexander Volkov fight.

Our friends over at Fightlinker were able to find a compilation of Warring’s missteps during the fight, which we’ve placed below, and my God do they redefine the phrase “interesting interpretation of the rules.” Amidst a barrage of ridiuclously quick stand-ups, Warring appeared as if he were making up rules out of thin air, warning Queiroz that he could not “lead with the forehead” while he was on the ground, nor could he strike the top or the “Mohawk area” of his opponent’s head. While the first rule is an outright fabrication, the criteria for the “Mohawk area” head strikes can be found in the unified rules of MMA. That being said, Warring’s belief that a Mohawk typically starts in the middle of one’s forehead highlights the growing problems in MMA refereeing when it comes to interpreting the rules.

After the jump: The aforementioned lowlight reel of Warring’s Bellator 80 performance set to an oddly poignant soundtrack and the official complaint from Quieroz’s camp.

(YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU JUST COST ME 1,000 BAHT! / Video courtesy of DBaciFightMedia.com via TheUG)

The morality of children fighting for sport (both here and abroad) has given us plenty of opportunities for debate over the years. In Thailand, no such debate exists. Little kids fight Muay Thai, and that’s the way it is.

Still, it’s always a little unsettling for us American non-sociopath-types to see a child kicked unconscious, which is what happens around the 1:59 mark of the video above. The referee’s position actually blocks the impact from our view, but the aftermath — in which the losing fighter in the blue gloves is motionless on his back for about 15 seconds — suggests that he got seriously rattled. For what it’s worth, the YouTube page identifies the winner as “Baby Muay Thai fighter Pee,” and calls it a KO via body kick. Congrats, Pee.

Look, I know this is how things are done over there, but just because something is tradition, doesn’t mean it’s sacred. Kiddie Muay Thai knockouts — good or bad for humanity? Call 1-888-CAGE-TATO right now and let us know how you feel. Or just use the comments section.

(Props to our boy b0redj0red for the find.) 

There’s an old proverb that goes “Learn to walk before you run.” I can think of no better way to better describe the ass-whooping you are about to witness. Apparently the gentleman in the blue shorts, packed to the brim with testosterone and hubris, thought that he had acquired the necessary skills to take on the Muay Thai instructor donning the green shorts and Alessio Sakara-esque tatts. Unfortunately, our boy Blue learned everything he needed to know about striking from a Bob Sapp highlight reel. When this kind of dangerous ignorance is combined with an unwillingness to admit defeat until you are slung over the ropes in a heap ala Rampage Jackson, well, you end up slung over the ropes in a heap like Rampage Jackson.

While it’s hard to knock a guy for his fearlessness, we would also like to inform Blue that there is in fact a middle ground between the heavy bag and Tong Po’s cousin to test your skills. Consider that while you’re eating cheeseburgers through a straw for the next week or two.

-J. Jones