(“If this isn’t a world where Mitt Romney is president, you can just put me back to sleep thank you very much.”) 

As we mentioned in our head to head assessment of this weekend’s UFC Macao main event matchup, Rich Franklin is one tough SOB. So tough, in fact, that he not only managed to fight through a broken arm in his UFC 115 match against Hall of Famer Chuck Liddell, but even made sure to finish Liddell before the bell rung, for the fight could have likely been called in Liddell’s favor had both men made it to their corners.

So with the main card action kicking off at a completely reasonable 9 a.m. EST this Saturday, the UFC has released a couple of Franklin’s (as well as Le’s) fights online to give us all a little refresher course on what our two headliners have been up to. It’s a noble effort, but there’s simply no way in hell I will have recovered from my night of binge drinking, bum fighting, and huffing paint thinner through an old grease rag in time to catch any of the main card matchups live. They’re called priorities.

Anyway, head after the jump to take a stroll down memory lane, even though you probably remember the intricacies of this fight better than ol’ Chucky boy does.

(Pikeew pikeew! I got you! Nu-uh! I totally got you first!) 

In the past three years, Thiago Silva has been knocked out by Lyoto Machida, out-grappled by Rashad Evans, suspended from the UFC for attempting to mask his roid-filled urine after his fight with Brandon Vera, and out struck by Alexander Gustafsson. Needless to say, Silva is probably going to get axed if he doesn’t win big against Stanislav Nedkov at the pair’s upcoming duel at UFC on FUEL 6. The undefeated Nedkov has also spent more time on the shelf than off lately, battling injuries and visa issues for the better part of his two-year UFC career, but barring any last minute issues, these two will clash on November 10th in Cotai, Macau. And based on their finishing ratios, we’re fairly certain that this one will end inside of three rounds.

So in honor of the occasion, we’ve dug up Silva’s last official victory — which came over Keith Jardine via knockout (I know, you’re shocked too) at UFC 102 in August of 2009 — and placed it after the jump for your enjoyment. Because it is Halloween after all, and who won’t sleep better knowing that the scary monster in your closet can easily be felled with a solid left hook?

(Props to Rodeo and bOredjOrd for the tip.)

Confidence is like nature’s bath salts. Using a combination of trickery, implied reasoning, and outright tomfoolery, confidence basically transports us back to the ignorant serenity of youth. It surpasses logic, the physical limitations of the human body, and the laws of nature to convince its host that anything is achievable through the pure power of will. And just like bath salts, confidence can have devastating effects on the body it occupies. Just ask Melvin Guillard. Or Tom Brady. Or Hitler. I’m not saying that Tom Brady is Hitler reincarnated, I’m just saying.

So rather than take pot shots at the wellspring of confidence you will meet in the video above, I would rather like to commend him for it, as misplaced as it may have been. Because I can assure you that none of us — not one  — has ever been as confident in our ourselves as this man, if even for the briefest second. Nick Diaz may have perfected the “Come at me, bro” pose in the octagon, but the motherfucker was never crazy enough to let one of his opponents tee off on him until he crumbled to the ground in a heap. This gentleman was so confident in his abilities that he knew he could get knocked the fuck out and still beat his opponent. Sure, the second half of his gameplan kind of fell apart, but still, respect. Your move, Anderson.

We’ve paid tribute to first-punch knockouts before, but the first-kick knockout is a beast we see far less of in the MMA world, or any combat sport for that matter. Maybe it’s because many fighters don’t feel comfortable exposing themselves by attempting a fight-ending kick when they’ve yet to feel out their opponent, or perhaps it’s because many kicks used early in a fight are for just that: feeling your opponent out. In either case, the crazy bastard in the black trunks who shall remain nameless really couldn’t give two shits about your so-called “tactics” or fancy schmancy “strategery.” Thems things is best left for the book-reading doctor types with their scientist talk and their elevated pinkies and bubbly alcohol drinks, amiright Taters?

So skip ahead to the 1:30 mark to see this feller disregard all of his pappy’s teachings and open the fight with a head kick that scrambles his opponents brains up worse than a June bug in prairie dog hole.

Now start researching other instances of a first-kick knockout and relay them to us in the comments section so we can compile a proper tribute list. Because let’s face it, you guys know way more about this MMA stuff than we do anyway, and we’ll be at the firing range determining which one of your shirt ideas holds up best to our rigorous series of tests for the next few days anyway.

-J. Jones

(Coors Light?! And here we thought Canadians were passionate about the quality of beer they drink.) 

A little over a year ago, Georges St. Pierre was riding high. He had defended his belt for the sixth straight time against Jake Shields at an event that both obliterated North American attendance records and satisfied his home country’s need for bloodshed without having to sacrifice his first born child, as is tradition. Although he was being bashed by some critics for his apparent lack of finishing power, “Rush” would quickly meet a challenger that would bring out the inner killer his fans had been waiting for since UFC 83. Needless to say, things were going well for old GSP.

And then he took an arrow to the knee.

Yes, after blowing out his ACL, the welterweight kingpin was forced out of action for so long that even his stand-in champion went missing in an apparent attempt to find him. In the time since we last saw St. Pierre, his beloved homeland of Canada eeked out a respectable 36th place in the Summer Olympics, celebrated the 60th anniversary of one of their biggest television programs, and even closed the book on one of the most bizarre crimes in the country’s history. So overall, it was a decent year for any Canadian not named Georges St. Pierre.

But come November 17th, all that will change for at least one man, as GSP is set to finally make his triumphant return to the cage at UFC 154. And to celebrate his return, we’ve decided to dig up the fight that started it all. It took place in January of 2002 in Montreal and pitted the future champ against future UFC/WEC bantamweight (sheesh) Ivan Menjivar in his professional debut.

Video after the jump. 

(This is normally where we would place a screencap of the fight. Unfortunately, the quality of SFL streams is so poor that the screencap looked more like a Jackson Pollock than it did anything else and no amount of enhancing could do it justice.) 

As you may or may not know given the plethora of fight action that occurred this past weekend, Indian upstart promotion Super Fight League held their fourth event in Mumbai, India. Now, we have been predicting the collapse of SFL for some time now (turns out we just had the wrong promotion) and when it was reported that CEO Ken Pavia had resigned from the organization, it only fueled similar predictions around the MMA blogosphere. Throw in the fact that SFL couldn’t even reel in Bob Sapp for their fourth event — which was headlined by a 1-2 fighter taking on a 11-8 fighter — and you’ve pretty much got all the ammunition you need for an official deathwatch.

But despite all of the things going against them, SFL’s fourth event turned out to be a modest success, at least in terms of the fights themselves. With the exception of the opening fight between bantamweights Irfan Khan and Kaushik Sen (freaking little guys, amiright Michael?), every fight was finished within the distance and impressively so. But no one, I repeat, no one, could top the knockout turned in by Bhabajeet Chowdhury, which was easily one of the most fantastic finishes we have seen all year.

Video after the jump. 

(Joanne Calderwood vs. Ashley Cummins. Fight starts at the 1:35 mark. Someone nearly shits their pants around the 4:45 mark.)

Over the past several months, we’ve heard a lot of hoopla regarding the plight of women’s MMA and the lighter weight classes in general. According to some self-proclaimed experts, these fighters stand next to no chance of providing exciting finishes because of their “frail bones” and their “cabbage fingers” and their “lady parts that prevent them from committing gruesome acts of beautiful violence.” And while it should be noted that I normally obtain most of this expert testimony during my weekly NO MA’AM meetings, I must admit that the ladies of Invicta Fighting Championships are pretty much shattering every pre-conceived notion that one could have when approaching women’s MMA or the lighter weight classes. Last weekend’s Invicta FC 3 event did not stray far from the pattern established by the first two events, which is to say, it delivered exciting fights and brutal finishes from top to bottom.

In the evening’s main event, submission specialist and general hottie Jessica Penne made history by becoming the promotion’s first champion in the atomweight class, controlling the previously number one ranked atomweight Naho Sugiyama easily before submitting her midway through the second round with a slick triangle choke. Penne improved to 10-1 as a professional with the win and likely set up a showdown between herself and “The Karate Hottie” Michelle Waterson, who picked up a hard fought split-decision win over Lacey Schuckman earlier in the evening, down the line. I’m not saying I will be watching that fight with ulterior motives, but I am saying that I will be watching it alone. With the curtains closed. With no pants on.

After the jump: A boatload of fight videos from the event, including Shayna Baszler’s domination of Sarah D’Alelio, Stephanie Frausto’s lightning quick submission over Amy Davis, and Julia Budd’s brutal beatdown of Danielle West.

(Vince Lucero vs. Tim Sylvia at a 2010 CFX event. We’re not sure if we’ve ever seen a more pathetic ending to a fight in our lives. On second thought…) 

Like many MMA fans out there, we are of two minds when it comes to Dave Bautista. On one hand, we should be applauding the former WWE star for having the cojones to step into the cage and give a sport as laborious and intense as MMA a try despite both his age and experience level saying that he should do just the opposite. On the other hand, he represents little more than another splash in the recent wave of professional wrestlers looking to exploit a sport they have little experience in and little desire to actually further.

More often than not, guys like Bautista, Bobby Lashley, and Brock Lesnar to a degree (TO A DEGREE) are not professional fighters in the purest sense of the word; they are opportunists who crossover to MMA looking to make a decent buck and get out before they hurt themselves too badly. For if they were seriously seeking a new career path, they would logically test themselves on the amateur circuit before diving head first into a sport in which ill preparation can lead to serious health issues in both the immediate and distant future. Although their participation in MMA in turn draws legions of new fans to the sport, it also cheapens the value of what it means to call oneself “a professional fighter.” Not to get on our soapbox here, but that is a title that should be earned through hard work and dedication, not a few months of sparring and pure name value.

So when it was announced that Bautista would be debuting against a guy who was clearly picked because his name resembled a certain former UFC champion, the world reacted with a collective “ugh.” But if you think that’s bad , just wait until you hear the story that led to Bautista’s new opponent, the 22-22 Vince Lucero you were introduced to in the above video.

(Karo Parisyan: A beast when he wins, a Hollywood cliche when he loses.)

Did someone say King of the mountain?

It may be a long time before we see Karo Parisyan competing in a top level promotion again, but he took one step closer by utterly destroying Anonymous Tatted-up Opponent #237 (known professionally as, we shit you not, Tiger Bonds) at Gladiator Challenge: King of the Mountain over the weekend. It was Parisyan’s second victory in his past three contests, which is only made less than impressive when you consider that his other win came over Thomas Denny. And that he had dropped four of his past five before that. But hey, we’re taking the optimistic approach today, so all you haters can suck a bag of dicks.

Video after the jump.

(It’s safe to say that it can’t end any worse than the first time.) 

Over the past two years, Joe Warren has gone from a tough-nosed underdog to an unexpected/abrasively arrogant champion to the poster child for what not to do if you ever become an MMA champion. His strategy of trying to win two belts before he could defend one (also known as Hendo-ing) backfired in epic fashion to say the least, resulting in a pair of brutal knockout losses to Alexis Villa and Pat Curran,  the latter of which cost him the title he had actually earned. Not only were these losses thoroughly embarrassing for his “Baddest Man on the Planet” shtick, but the damage resulting from them will likely challenge his mental stability down the line if you know what we are saying. The fact that he obtained the featherweight title in the fashion he did — getting absolutely dominated only to score a flukish comeback thereafter — only led people to further question his decision to drop down a weight class in hindsight.

Unfortunately for Joe, his combination of bad decision making and bad luck left him with nowhere to go other than back down to bantamweight for his next fight at Bellator 80, which goes down on November 9th. Fortunately for Joe, the matchmakers at Bellator or going to give him a much easier opponent this time around…

Here at CagePotato HQ, we’ve decided to take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this street fight video. On the scale of Worst…Street Fight…Ever to Redneck Defends Fiance’s Honor, Wins on Points, we’d have to rank it somewhere above the latter, if only for the decisive, not to mention completely unexpected finish it provides. Plus, an onlooker shouts, “Kick his ass, sea bass!” and there’s even a very audible “F*ck him up!” tossed in for good measure, so this video basically appeals to all audiences.

(“Tonight……you.”)

From a writer’s standpoint, there are a couple ways to approach a fight video as clownshit crazy as the one you are about to witness. The first is to provide a play-by-play breakdown of the action in a noble (but ultimately futile) attempt to try and make sense of the lunacy you just witnessed. The other method involves coming to the realization that your words are indeed ultimately futile and that the fight video should simply be digested as is.

It’s safe to say that when this happens before the fight even begins, you must follow the latter method.

Full video after the jump. Trust us, you *need* to see this. 

No, the legendary Super Hluk title was not on the line.

At a glance, these fights could have just as easily been included in this morning’s can-crushing roundup. Both fights featured established names taking on little-known Korean fighters with less-than-stellar records- one of which ended rather predictably. But perhaps that wouldn’t be a fair interpretation of the phrase “can-crusher.”

Over the past three years, Melvin Manhoef has deteriorated into a fighter who is only capable of defeating his own shins, having gone 1-4 (1) since 2009. Last night, Manhoef was matched up against 14-9 (2) Korean fighter Jae Young Kim. Despite his mediocre record, Kim had won ten of his fights by knockout and wasn’t lost on the ground, either; his most recent fight was a victory by North-South choke against Hee Seung Kim.

The duo produced an entertaining three round fight that saw Manhoef walk away with a split-decision victory. Manhoef may have looked slow at times, but his ground game appears to be less of a liability than it has usually been, as he was taken down but never submitted. He now stands at 25-9-1 (1) overall.

*sigh*

Sometimes, there’s no shame in being a can crusher. As much as we love watching close fights between our sport’s top fighters, some of our sport’s most entertaining finishes came to fruition because a fighter of reasonable competence was locked in the cage with an utterly hopeless ham-n-egger. There’s nothing wrong with pounding the bejesus out of a hapless jobber every once in a while, which is exactly what Mariusz Pudzianowski, Jan Blachowicz and Dusan Panajotovic did yesterday. Fortunately for us, they filmed it for posterity as well.

At thirty-five years old, “can crusher” is probably the ceiling for five-time World’s Strongest Man Mariusz Pudzianowski’s MMA career. The odds of him ending up in the big leagues outside of his home country are pretty slim- which is perfect, because he seems more than content to smash freaks and nobodies in front of enthusiastic Polish fans. At yesterday’s KSW 20, Pudzianowski faced 4-1 Greek American prospect Christos Piliafas. All of Piliafas’ fights have ended by TKO- four of which in the first round. A technical grappling clinic this would not be, as Pudzianowski scored takedowns and eventually punched out Piliafas 3:48 seconds into round one. Unfortunately, videos of this scrap have quickly been taken off of YouTube. We know, we’re just as heartbroken as you are.

But as a consolation prize, we’re going to offer you KSW Light Heavyweight Champion Jan Blachowicz’s successful title defense against Houston Alexander from the same card. A win over Alexander may not mean too much anymore, yet Blachowicz never appeared in trouble throughout the fight. Unfortunately, save for an armbar at the end of round one and a triangle choke at the end of round two, neither did Alexander. Okay, so it’s a pretty lousy consolation prize. Whaddayagonnado?

(Props: TuffNUffTV via MiddleEasy)

Rule #63 of MMA showboating: Don’t extend your arms in a Diaz-salute during a fight unless you’re absolutely, positively sure that your opponent lacks the power to knock you out; otherwise you could potentially look like a fool when your opponent leaves you sleeping. (Rule #63b: This rule counts double if you have a stupid fucking haircut.)

The wonderful knockout above comes to us from Sunday’s Tuff N Uff show in Las Vegas, where Shai Lindsey tried to be a cage-gangster, but instead fell prey to a very slick switch-front-kick right to the chin from Carlo Junio. Since this knockout happened at the very end of round 2, an inept referee might have woken Lindsey up and given him a chance to get his revenge in round 3. Luckily, the ref on that night was consummate professional Mike “Am I Hallucinating That Mustache?” Beltran, who handles his business properly.

As Reddit/MMA reminds us, today is the seventh anniversary of Fedor Emelianenko and Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic‘s meeting at PRIDE Final Conflict 2005, an instant classic that still ranks among the greatest heavyweight fights in MMA history. Emelianenko had already held the PRIDE heavyweight title for two-and-a-half years by the time he made his belt defense against Cro Cop, and entered the match with a PRIDE record of 10-0 with one no-contest. Meanwhile, Cro Cop had earned his shot at Fedor on the strength of a seven-fight PRIDE win streak that included victories over Alexander Emelianenko, Josh Barnett, Kevin Randleman, and Mark Coleman.

Though both fighters would later complain that they came into the fight less than 100% healthy, Emelianenko and Filipovic put on a thrilling war for the entirety of the three-round, 20-minute fight. Cro Cop started strong, breaking Fedor’s nose with punches and punishing him with kicks to the body, but Fedor regained momentum as Cro Cop’s cardio began to fade, slugging his way to a unanimous decision victory. It was Emelianenko’s toughest fight to that point, and arguably his most entertaining. As for Filipovic, he may have fallen short of the PRIDE heavyweight title that night, but his greatest career triumph was just around the corner.

After the jump: If you have the time to spare, the complete fight is below…

(Props: YouTube.com/JonJones. Fight starts at the 13:50 mark, but it’s worth it to watch the entrances, just to see Jackson and Jones walk out to those obviously patched-in nü-metal tracks, I guess because the UFC couldn’t secure replay rights on YouTube for the songs they actually walked out to. It’s hilariously jarring. Couldn’t they find generic rap tracks to include for situations like this?)

After winning the UFC light-heavyweight championship in March 2011 with his demolition of Mauricio Rua, 24-year-old Jon Jones attempted his first title defense in September at UFC 135 in Denver, against former champion Quinton Jackson. And for the second title fight in a row, Jones gave nothing and took everything. Over four rounds, Bones picked his shots and wore Rampage down, confounding Jackson with his unorthodox kicks and elbows, and clowning ‘Page whenever the inspiration struck. (Skip to 31:08 for an all-time classic.)

After winning the first three rounds handily, Jones closed the curtains in the fourth frame, taking Jackson down with ease then finishing him with a rear-naked choke. It was the first time Jackson was ever stopped in the UFC. To put it lightly, aging legends have never really performed well against Jon Jones, and Dan Henderson might not fare any better at UFC 151 — that is, if Hendo actually makes it to the fight. There are some nasty rumors swirling around right now…we’ll update you if they turn out to be legit.

(Video via MachinimaPrime)

In MMA, as in life, you never want to leave it in the hands of the judges. The same rule applies for the absurd parody of a combat sport known as XARM. Up until now, we’ve just thought that XARM involved two guys swinging wild haymakers at each other with their hands tied together, but it turns out that you actually can win or lose by pin — just like in real arm-wrestling. And James Irvin recently learned that the hard way during his depressing promotional debut against XARM veteran  Fred “Big Cat” Steen.

Steen successfully pins Irvin’s arm in rounds one and two, meaning that Irvin needs a knockout in round three to win the match. And while the Sandman lands some good shots in that final frame, Steen spends much of the third round hanging back (literally), stalling his way to a decision win. Honestly, these goddamned point-fighters are ruining the sport.

I’d update the James Irvin “Why Me?” timeline, but who even cares at this point. For further viewing, watch this XARM profile of James Irvin, where Irvin explains that he works full-time at the UFC Gym (possibly alongside another legendary UFC striker), incorrectly claims that he still holds the UFC’s fastest knockout record, and bitches about his damn taxes.

(Jared Hamman attempts to pull a fast one on us all at UFC 150. AS IF we couldn’t tell that his leg was clearly photoshopped.) 

Perhaps two-time Bellator middleweight tournament winner Alexander Shlemenko is just a little bitter that rival Hector Lombard vacated his former promotion (and a long-awaited rematch with Shlemenko) to compete in the UFC, or maybe “Storm” is just as tired of seeing all of the UFC cards he is ordering turn to shit as the rest of us. Whatever his end game may be, Shlemenko recently stated in an interview with ValeTudo.ru that he believed many of the injuries that have been plaguing the UFC as of late were more than likely faked by the fighters in order to get out of a fight that was not a good matchup for them. His primary example was Brian Stann:

I can tell you for sure, 100%, I know why there are so many injuries. I personally find UFC fights not as exciting because of all those injuries. There are a lot of background tactics around who’s fighting who; fighters are trying really hard to have a good record in the UFC. If you’ve been offered to fight someone who’s considered a bad match-up, then it’s pretty easy to say ‘hey, I’m injured’.

For example, they offered Brian Stann to fight Hector Lombard. He got injured, and then the next thing you know – he’s fighting Michael Bisping. I can see the logic – for Brian Stann it makes more sense to fight Bisping, he’s simply more popular in the UFC than Hector Lombard. That’s why beating Bisping means more than beating Lombard, who’s a risky opponent.

You can fake every injury. Just tell [UFC doctors] about the symptoms and that’s it.

God Damn it, Alex. Your love of centrifugal forces and general badassery made you one of our favorite fighters, but NO ONE accuses “All American” of ducking a fight. And considering the bullshit-laden excuse your boy Lombard gave us three weeks after putting on one of the worst performances of the year, we’d say it’s a little presumptuous to start calling out other organizations fighters for sparing us a fifteen minute wet fart in advance.

After the jump: Stann’s response, as well as a video of Shlemenko’s most recent fight, which ends with an injury that is physically impossible to fake.

(To prove he still has “it,” Cro Cop conducted the entire interview from this position)

Fighters have to fight, we suppose. Ultimately, that’s the reasoning kickboxing and MMA legend Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic gave when he recently told USA Today that he wants to return to MMA despite retiring from the UFC after his most recent loss to Roy Nelson at UFC 137 in 2011.

“If you ask me, when I look deep into my soul, of course I would like to fight MMA again,” Filipovic revealed. “People don’t get it. Martial arts is my life.”

Cro Cop has lost his last three MMA bouts, all in the UFC, by either KO or TKO, and was 4-6 in his ten total UFC bouts. Cro Cop also fought two dozen times in the now defunct Pride promotion out of Japan, where he took part in one or two fights that you may remember. Filipovic is still fighting for the kickboxing organization where he first made his name, K-1, and most recently picked up a second round knockout victory over Loren Javier Jorge at K-1 Rising, which we’ve added after the jump for your enjoyment.

(Props: CRE)

When two drunk jackasses swing haymakers at each other in front of a nightclub, it’s a street fight. When a redneck with a tattoo of a backbone down his back throws multiple spinning wheel-kicks, knees from the clinch, and what appears to a Superman punch (1:13 mark) during a personal dispute, it’s something different. It’s something we like to call…MMA in the Wild.

To summarize, beefy dude in the tank top has allegedly been sending inappropriate messages to shirtless guy’s girlfriend on the Facebook. Shirtless guy intercepts the messages, and then, posing as his own girlfriend, he continues the conversation just to gather more evidence, I guess, and not because he actually enjoys posing as a girl on Facebook. So, shirtless dude posses up with some of his bros (just in case things get out of hand) and confronts tank top dude on a porch, whose denials are not well-received. As it turns out, tank top dude has a hell of a chin, but it isn’t much of a “fight,” per se.

In the end, shirtless guy is unable to secure the stoppage he was looking for, but he has clearly made a statement to the rest of the redneck lightweight porch-fighting division. You can bet that “Say Goodnight!” guy was watching this scrap with great interest.

(The super absorbent Shampow belt currently sells for $19.95, but if you call within the next ten minutes, because we can’t do this all day, we’ll throw in a baby for just the price of shipping and handling.) 

It has been a very frustrating couple of years for M-1 Light Heavyweight champion and TUF 8 finalist Vinny Magalhaes. After winning the M-1 belt with a mounted gogoplata submission over Victor Nemkov in April of 2011, then defending it with a head kick TKO of Mikhail Zayats the following October, Magalhaes found himself in a bit of contract limbo with the well documented shysters at M-1. In short, they refused to offer him any more fights under his current contract while simultaneously trying to ink him a new one. Like we said, shysters.

Anyway, after nearly a year on the shelf, Magalhaes got desperate. So desperate, in fact, that he tried selling his belt on Ebay, which was valued at an astounding $99,999 before it was suddenly pulled off the market for reasons that have yet to be explained. However, it appears that Vinny has finally reached an agreement (re: his mercifully release) with his M-1 counterparts, as word has broke that the champ, who has gone 7-1 since being ousted from the UFC following a pair of losses to Ryan Bader and Elliot Marshall, will return to the sport’s highest promotion at UFC 151, which goes down from the Mandalay Bay in Vegas on September 1st. His opponent has yet to be named, but Tatame has the scoop:

Vinny “Pezao” Magalhaes is back to the UFC. The light heavyweight, who lost to Ryan Bader on the TUF 8 Finale, signed a contract with the organization and is set to fight at UFC 151, on September 1^st, TATAME learned with sources.

Videos of Magalhaes’ title win and defense await you after the jump, along with the skinny on a potential signing in the UFC’s flyweight division.

(Shit happens when Brett Rogers is your sponsor.) 

It seems that we’ve had to deal with the issue of child abuse more and more over the past few weeks here at CagePotato. You may recall the woman in St. Louis who videotaped her infant daughter’s decaweight debut and provided such insightful ringside commentary as “Ball up some fists!” as one instance of this. But today, Potato Nation, we’ve come across the classiest child abuse video of them all. We’re talking a top of the line, Armani-suited business moguls shrouded in darkness and purchasing sex slaves that were kidnapped at the airport level of class on display here. This is the Rolls-Royce of child abuse videos, if you will. In fact, the level of class in this child abuse video is so high, that it might not be considered child abuse at all.

It’s disorienting, we know, because typically, when treated to a video of a 6 year old and a 7 year old throwing down in a cage, your first reaction would probably be that of outrage. Toss in the fact that it took place in Armenia, at a bar surrounded by drunken patrons huffing cigars and cheering them on, your anger would likely jump up a few notches. But then you take a look at the awesome production value (yes, those are *actual* flames in the beginning), the adorable weigh-ins/staredown, and the scaled down ring, and you almost forget that you’re about to watch two kids beat the piss out of each other for entertainment. Or that a promotion exists out there that will allow this to happen.

So goes the story of ArmFC, an upstart and soon to be shut down promotion that recently forayed into the art of child fighting. And although the promotion insists that we are actually watching a “demonstration of the fight” on the Youtube page in which they posted this video, the fact that the first four words of the video’s description are “death 6 years fighter” leads us to believe that those running this promotion have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. So by “demonstration”, they likely mean “we didn’t allow them to dip their gloves in candle wax and broken glass beforehand this time.”

Video after the jump. 

(Props: ITSSHOWTIME via MiddleEasy. The big reveal comes at the 0:49 mark.)

We usually judge fucked-up noses on a scale of Owen Wilson to Ryan McGillivray — but Rustemi Kreshnik may have just redefined what’s possible. Over the weekend, the Albanian heavyweight kickboxer got his nose kneed halfway around his face by Mourad Bouzidi at It’s Showtime 57 in Brussels, Belgium. As the color-man puts it, “That’s gonna have to be put back in place.” Oh do you think so, doctor?

We’re going to come right out and say it: By no means should you watch this entire video. We know that your time is precious, Potato Nation, as you are all, like us, the head honchos of your respective trades. But on the off chance that any of you have had a shit day and are in need of a pick-me-up, maybe, just maybe, you’ll get some enjoyment out of seeing a little street justice. This video, shot by one of the many onlookers, captures Devin Crime (or as the crowd referred to him “white boy”), a BJJ purple belt and Judo brown belt, coming to the aid of a woman who was apparently being struck by the Floyd Mayweather fan doing battle with Devin in said video. And by doing battle, we mean being choked until he taps like a little bitch on two separate occasions.

The video begins after this first takedown has already been landed, and even though Devin displays some Zen-like tranquility when dealing with the a-hole in question, he gets sucker punched for his troubles (:48). Devin responds with a hailstorm of GnP that would make Tito Ortiz turn green with envy, bloodying up his foe before possibly kissing him on the cheek (?) at the 1:13 mark. After some lay and pray, he patiently locks in the fight-ending choke with just over two minutes remaining in the first round.

Unfortunately, his foe is a firm believer in the Chael Sonnen system of submission fighting, and is under the impression that tapping out only ends the round, not the fight. After he is let to his feet to gather his things, he makes sure his hat is on at a good 45 degree angle before sucker punching Crime again (4:02). Crime proceeds to drag the assailant into the nearby bushes (4:06), and at this point it appears as if we are watching either a rape in progress or a snuff film or both. From there, it’s a smooth pass to mount and a rear-naked choke finish (5:00). When the thug is let back to his feet yet again, the singer of P.O.D appears out of nowhere to give him a final reason to get to stepping via his fist.

We have no idea if anyone was arrested for the alleged incident that sparked this brawl, but our hat goes off to Crime for his act of bravery. Nick Ring would be proud.

-J. Jones

(How much of a gentlemen is Brian Stann? He tried to break Santiago’s UFC curse the only way he knew how; with a kiss on bended knee.) 

Woe is Jorge Santiago. “The Sandman” has been put to sleep in three out of his five performances in his two runs with the UFC, and was released a second time after dropping a unanimous decision to Demian Maia at UFC 136. But whenever we catch a glimpse of him in a smaller promotion, you’d think you were watching some up and coming prospect that the UFC  must be overlooking. As Tim McCarver would say, as good as Santiago has looked outside the UFC, that’s how as bad he’s looked inside of it. Since exiting the promotion, Santiago has scored a devastating first round knockout of his own over Leonardo Pecanha last March, and tried to make it two in a row when he squared off against 16-5 Justin Guthrie in the main event of last weekend’s TFC 23 card in Fort Riley, Kansas.

Spoiler alert: Santiago picked up another first round finish, this time by reverse heel hook. Unfortunately for “The Sandman,” he was knocked unconscious by the phone call he received from Joe Silva shortly thereafter.

Video after the jump.

(An audience member snapped this photo at the exact moment of the knockout.) 

There has been a lot of talk over the past few weeks in regards to “bath salts” an their effect on the human body. A friend of mine described them as “meth on PCP,” and said that they tend to make one feel “like Superman on a Chris Benoit-esque roid rage,” with side effects ranging from hallucinations, paranoia, and wet farts all the way to the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound and absorb a speeding bullet without batting an eye. Let’s just say that he’s “a doctor.”

Well, after watching Galore Bosando’s recent destruction of Wendle Lewis at a May 26th UCMMA event in London, I can only assume that we have witnessed the first case of bath salt abuse in MMA. Because there is no other logical explanation as to how exactly Bosando was able to deliver such an onslaught of spinning kick attacks, combining an inhuman level of flexibility with an, and I use this term at the risk of sounding racist, “explosiveness” that just doesn’t seem attainable without a narcotic level stimulant running through one’s veins.

Welterweights of the greater London area take notice, because it appears that Melvin Guillard and Melvin Manhoef mixed their DNA in a petri dish, combined it with 4 pounds of C-4, and mailed it to England in a bag full of hammers. The resulting explosion created Galore Basando.

Video after the jump. 

(Seen here: How Aleksander Emelianenko won his last fight.) 

To get you in the mood for the brief, albeit saddening story we are about to tell you, you should first watch this. Now then…

Perhaps you are familiar with the tale of Henry Bemis, a lowly, nearly blind bank teller oft ridiculed for his near crippling obsession with the written word. Specifically, doggerel. Henry was a simple man, one who found more excitement in the whimsical tales of Charles Dickens than he did through actual interactions with his fellow man, a conundrum that had adverse effects on his occupation in more than a few instances. But what could he do? A passion is a passion, so in order to satisfy both his personal needs and his work requirements, Henry would often sneak into the bank’s vault during his lunch break and escape into whatever world his book of choice would provide for him.

On one such occasion, Henry happened to be reading the daily newspaper, which claimed that a new H-Bomb was “Capable of Total Destruction.” Before he could even grovel over such a morbid discovery, said bomb went off, killing not only everyone in the bank, but utterly destroying the entire planet. Left alone with only his thoughts, Henry decided to commit suicide via revolver to end his misery. But before he could do so, he found that the town’s library was amazingly still intact. Left with the quiet he so desperately craved, not to mention all the books he could read, Henry had basically found his utopia. That is, until he tripped and broke his glasses, rendering himself incapable of reading the very texts that he had found solitude in for as long as he could remember. Dooming him to a life of (literary) blue balls, if you will, and eventual suicide.

If recent history has indicated anything, it is that Aleksander Emelianenko is the living incarnation of the character portrayed by Burgess Meredith in that November 1959 episode of The Twilight Zone, and his most recent fight against Ibragim Magomedov at M-1 Challenge 33, which went down last night in Dzheirakh, Russia wrote this notion home with a resounding “Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhh….”

Join us after the jump for the video. 

It is a pretty well known fact that we here at CP base our love of female MMA fighters on three things; how they look at the weigh-ins, their willingness to talk trash on the level of their male counterparts, and lastly (and perhaps most importantly), their ability to pull off a beautiful armbar when called upon. Is that shallow, trivial, and more than a bit chauvinistic? Of course it is, but when have we ever been anything but? It’s also no coincidence that Ronda Rousey can do all of those things in her sleep (seriously, we’ve seen her do all three from our window-side perch), hence our absolute devotion to her brand of sexy, arm-destroying justice.

Well, it appears that the gauntlet has been thrown down (at least in the latter category), as Danielle West managed to pull off a beautiful step over/modified flying armbar on Irina Mollukwu in the absolute finals of the Grapplers Showdown No Gi London Open last weekend. The end came just over a minute into their scrap, and was so impressive that even Ms. Rousey would agree with us if she hadn’t filed that restraining order.

Currently 4-3 in her professional MMA career, it appears as if “The Curse” has a bright road ahead of her if she can manage to pull off these kinds of shenanigans inside the cage. Anyone agree?

Check out a full video of the match after the jump. 

In advance of this weekend’s UFC 146 headlining match between Junior Dos Santos and Frank Mir, FuelTV has released video of JDS’s Octagon debut at UFC 90 in October 2008. At the time, Dos Santos was 6-1 prospect, completely unknown outside of Brazil, facing a seasoned grappling expert and PRIDE/UFC vet whose list of victims included Alistair Overeem, Alexander Emelianenko, Gabriel Gonzaga (twice) and Brandon Vera, all of whom Werdum beat by stoppage. We gave Junior zero chance to win — and he shocked us all with a earth-shaking uppercut that permanently altered the power-balance in the UFC’s heavyweight division.

Following the fight, the UFC cut Werdum after he refused to re-sign for less money, and JDS went on the greatest contender run in UFC history, culminating in a 64-second knockout of champion Cain Velasquez. Watch the video above to see how it all started, two and a half years ago.