(The war, she is hell.)

Here’s the explanation we were given to go along with this photo:

"Mixed Martial Arts star Andrei Arlovski is featured in the sequel of the iconic hit film UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren return as fight-to-the-death enemies in "Universal Soldier: A New Beginning."  The film has just wrapped principal photography.”

But between us, we think that’s all a clever cover story.  That’s what the government would like you to believe.  But look in those eyes.  See the despair?  See the anguish?  That’s a man who has grown disillusioned with the world of pro fighting and has traveled into the future to join some totally sweet army of motocross riders with machine guns who do battle with aliens or giant bugs or robots or something. 

At least that’s our take.  We’ll let you decide which explanation sounds more plausible.

(Awww, that’s disturbing.)

Are you a huge Gina Carano fan looking for the perfect piece of memorabilia to let everyone know that your fascination with her has gone from strange to unsettling?  Then this is your lucky day.  Out friends at Fightlinker found someone on Ebay who is selling an autographed Gina Carano sports bra.  We don’t know what search the Fightlinker boys were doing when they stumbled upon this, but we can probably go ahead and assume it was weird.

This guy, however, takes weird to a whole new level.  He claims he got Gina to sign this at Xtreme Couture, and then he went and had it framed.  Which is, you know, what you do with ladies undergarments that have become collector’s items.  Now he’s giving you the chance to bid on it, starting at just $99.99 (plus shipping and handling).

Think of all the things you could do with it.  You could put it on your wall to scare off dates that you bring home.  You could lay it out on your bed and lie down next to it at night.  You could even give it as an entirely inappropriate gift to your girlfriend!  The possibilities are endless…

Sort of Related: Pieces of Rampage’s Tire For Sale

(See what you’ve left us with, oppressive gun laws?  Now Kimbo has to use his fists and that other guy, well, he just has to pretend.)

‘Sup, Potato Nation.  As many of you have noticed, discussions are popping off in the forums, and there is a surprisingly small amount of stupid bullshit being contributed to said discussions.  Well, at least that’s the case before Kadumel shows up (jokes! we love you Kadumel, but we also love busting your chops. it’s a mean-spirited love, like the one between your parents).

For those of you who haven’t realized what kind of awesomeness you’re missing out on in the forums, we thought we’d take the opportunity every so often to point you to an interesting thread.  This week’s best topic so far, courtesy of Drew, who suggested it and Sarah, who did something about it, is: Who is your guilty pleasure fighter?

You know, the guy who isn’t the best in his weight class, who has obvious problems of one sort or another, and who you might not even admit to liking lest you be mocked by MMA snobs everywhere.  But dammit, you love watching the guy in much the same way you love watching “7th Heaven.”

Drew got the ball rolling by admitting that his guilty pleasure fighter is Kimbo Slice.  And you know, we think that’s…brave?

(Shit’s about to get real, son.  Real bad.)

Five Ounces of Pain is passing along a report that everyone’s favorite MMA screw-up, War Machine, was arrested in Las Vegas for battery early Saturday morning.  That’s right, the same guy who recently lost a job opportunity with Bellator for his comments about President Obama, which came after he was kicked out of the UFC for his comments about Evan Tanner/refusal to fight Brandon Wolff.  

To make matters worse, this was apparently a citizen’s arrest, meaning some guy (or woman, we don’t know) on the street grabbed War Machine after he battered someone and then held him there for the cops.  Or, more likely, it happened in a club or casino and security detained him, though I like the first explanation better for the visual imagery it conjures up.

War Machine was already on probation in California for beating up someone outside a gym, so unless he can prove his innocence in this case – and let’s be honest, you knew when you saw the headline that he was guilty – he’s probably going to do some time.

As much as we like mocking those who have aggressively proved themselves deserving of such mockery, War Machine’s life has recently moved beyond pure schadenfreude and into the realm of the genuinely depressing.  Though he did bring it on himself (repeatedly) while demonstrating a complete unwillingness to learn from his past mistakes.  You know where he could make friends who share those fun little traits?  Prison.

I talked to Jon Jones for this week’s SI.com column, in which he discusses what it was like growing up with two brothers who both now play defensive line at Syracuse (with the eldest headed soon to the NFL) and how he learned to strike by watching YouTube videos:

The gym I train at is a really small gym, a lot of wrestlers, so I didn’t have a striking coach until this last fight.  I had to teach myself how to strike.  I would study a lot of videos on YouTube, or go to different websites where I could watch old Pride fights.  I just became obsessed with MMA and watched videos over and over again.  I learned the moves and took them to practice and started using them.  Before I knew it I was considered a pretty good striker. 

YouTube videos can really teach you a lot.  It depends how you search for them.  If you look really hard, you can find videos of seminars from some of the best fighters in the world.  It’s just a matter of taking them seriously.  You have the Bas Rutten’s and the Anderson Silva DVD’s, but you can find most of that stuff on the internet for free, so that’s what I was doing.  I was basically teaching myself with them.  Now I can honestly say I’ve been taught by some of the best teachers in the world because I’ve watched some of the greatest seminars online. 

Obviously, Jones is a freakish athlete who can simply do things other people can’t, such as watch YouTube videos and then beat up UFC veterans.  But what struck me was his humility and obsession with improving as a fighter.  Check this quote, for example, on what went through his mind after the UFC offered him the fight with Bonnar:

(Looks like cell block C is getting a new Santa for their annual Christmas party.)

A Las Vegas man went to extreme measures to ensure that his teenage daughter, an aspiring MMA fighter, stayed within her fighting weight.  Robert Blue chained his fifteen-year-old daughter to her bed to keep her from eating after he discovered she had gained weight and was sneaking food – canned peas and corn, of all things – and only released her to eat small meals and train with renowned Muay Thai coach Master Toddy.

According to a local news station the girl is a promising athlete, but suffered from having a moronic, overbearing father:

She holds world records for youth power lifting. She was vicious in the mixed marital arts ring. And her trainer Master Toddy says she has character.

"She has a heart. If she wants to be a fighter, she can be," Master Toddy said.

Blue also kicked his daughter, hit her with a stick and a weight belt, all, presumably, to help her become a champion fighter.  Just goes to show you that stage parents exist even in the sporting world, and are equally as disgusting.  But wait, it gets weirder and sicker:

(You do not want to mess with this man. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle via myspace.com/kenpavia.)

Led by the always-outspoken Ken Pavia, a group of high-profile MMA agents have joined forces to block their fighters from being sold to the highest bidder during Showtime’s planned auction of Pro Elite’s corporate assets on November 17th. From a new press release drafted by the Pav, and signed by Monte Cox, Ed Soares, and Cesar Gracie, among others:

Individually we consummated promotional agreements with Pro Elite. These agreements were made based on a multiplicity of factors including but not limited to relationships with certain Pro Elite personnel, venues, television exposure, jurisdictional concerns, public relations support, and numerous other intangibles. These considerations are not readily transferable…

We intend to fight the lawful ability to transfer these assets, and as we believe these are personal services contracts, we do not believe there is an obligation to perform if transferred. With pooled resources we are prepared to fight this issue.

The unity of this effort is unprecedented and the message that is being sent is clear. Absent significant pre-established negotiated terms, do not bid on these contracts unless you are prepared to fight the challenge to their legality. It is our intention to honor our commitment to Pro Elite, but if Pro Elite is not able to perform in accordance with the contractual terms, the fighters should be granted unrestricted free agency with the unfettered ability to enter the marketplace.

It’s good to see business rivals uniting for the rights of their fighters, especially when they haven’t always been civil towards each other in the past. Hopefully Showtime will get the message that some of these “assets” they plan on auctioning actually represent the livelihoods of human beings.

(Surely Kimbo’s brilliant legal council will find a way out of this mess.)

Remember when Pro Elite ceased operations and filed for bankruptcy? Well, turns out they didn’t. At least that’s their story now. As fighters still under contract with them have been filing notices to get free, Pro Elite has responded by informing those fighters that the company has not declared bankruptcy and that it intends to stage an event in 2009.

A notice sent out to several managers representing Pro Elite fighters states:

“Elite XC and ProElite are currently downsizing its staff in an effort to improve its business moving forward. As this process is implemented, Elite XC cancelled the event previously scheduled for Nov. 8 in attempt to re-schedule another event in early 2009.”

That’s funny, because if I was running an MMA company that was merely downsizing but which intended to continue promoting events, and suddenly there were widespread reports that my company was filing for bankruptcy, I think I might say something to contradict that right away. I might, for example, immediately issue a statement declaring my intention not to just roll over and die. I might even call the people who had circulated those reports a bunch of lying sons of bitches. What I would not do is say nothing at all until fighters started trying to get free of their contracts, and only then come up with an obviously bullshit reason for not releasing them.

As you might expect, no one is buying this explanation.

(Kenny is sooooo happy for you!)

This week’s Fighter caption contest — which centered on a chance encounter between The Grim Reaper, Pooty-Poot, and the Muscles from Brussels — was an overwhelming success, hauling in 440-ish entries, nearly all of which revolved around some combination of hepatitis and homoeroticism. Three of them were good enough to earn copies of Fighter, courtesy of Viking and Coach. But first, some honorable mentions:

crookshark: In spite of his fighting skills, Aleksander Emelianenko proved to be terrible at musical chairs.

Destro: Jean-Claude breathed a sigh of relief…finally, someone who was even more underdressed than he was.

Horror Fighter: Frank Dux stopped smiling when Aleks reached into his shorts and pulled out Jackson’s Harley-Davidson bandana.

Dangada Dang: Jean Claude recovering from what will go down in history as THE most awkward boner.
*previous record held by….Jean Claude Van Damme

And the winners are…

(Sample images courtesy of Viking Studio. Click thumbnails for larger versions.)

This month marks the release of Fighter: The Fighters of the UFC, a collection of black-and-white portraits of over 100 UFC fighters, shot by acclaimed photographer/Coach president Reed Krakoff. The book features a foreword by Sam Sheridan, and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to the Yellow Ribbon Fund. According to the press release, “The striking images are juxtaposed with quotes from each fighter, whose candor will be surprising to even die-hard UFC fans.” And the best part is, we’re giving away three copies to you, our loyal readers. Just provide a clever caption to the photo that’s after the jump, and we’ll pick our favorites on Friday. Feel free to enter more than once; good luck…

(Photo courtesy of Spike)

Spike.com has posted the last blog entries from Evan Tanner before his death in the southern California desert two weeks ago. If nothing else, the sentiments expressed in his last entry should effectively put to rest any suicide rumors, such as those put forth by the always-idiotic War Machine. The night before Tanner leaves on his journey into the desert, he seems anything but suicidal:

It’s Tuesday night. Tomorrow I go out into the desert. It has taken over a month to get all the gear together. The preparation for this adventure took far longer than I had expected. I’ve never done this before, so I took my time reading books, studying the land, and researching gear. A few weeks of solitude in the deep desert, and then back to civilization, and back to training.

Clearly, that’s a man who planned on coming back. The MMA world remains saddened that he didn’t.

As a reminder, a memorial service for Tanner is planned for this Saturday, Sept. 27 at 2 pm in the Amarillo Civic Center in Amarillo, Texas, for those of you who might be in the area and are interested in paying your respects. When they hold your memorial at a civic center, you know you’ve had an impact on people.

(That’s “The Predator” all right. I’d recognize those cheeks anywhere.)

Well, we’re officially disturbed. This picture of Patrick Cote, um, blowing off some steam(?) was sent to us by mini at hithiphop.com and we immediately wished we had never seen it. So we did what any responsible internet types would do: we forced it on you, our readers. Enjoy your nightmares.

We don’t begrudge a guy his right to have a few too many (at least we hope alcohol was involved) and do things he’ll later wish he hadn’t. But when we picture the guy who’ll finally bring Anderson Silva’s tremendous winning streak to an end, this isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.

More pictures are after the jump…if you dare.

Driving Force Sports, owned by Evan Tanner’s manager, John Hayner, has issued this statement on Tanner’s death:

San Clemente, CA—September 8, 2008—The death of UFC fighter Evan Tanner, of Oceanside, California, has left the Driving Force Sports family heartbroken tonight.

News that the body of a man found in the desert of the Palo Verde Valley is that of Evan rippled through the fight community late Monday afternoon.

Lt. George Moreno of the Imperial County Sheriff’s Department has reported that Evan set out treasure hunting on Wednesday, September 3rd, asking friends to call for help if he didn’t return right away. Lt. Moreno says friends called the Sheriff’s Office on Friday, and search and rescue teams looked for him throughout the weekend in temperatures up to 114 degrees. Lt. Moreno says the U.S. Marines used a helicopter to search by air this morning, finally spotting a body two miles from the campground where Evan’s belongings were found earlier. While a coroner has yet to confirm the body is Evan’s, the owner at the management agency Driving Force Sports in San Clemente says people close to Evan visually identified his body at the scene.

“Evan was a dear friend to us and an important part of the DFS family,” says Driving Force Sports owner John Hayner. “He was so much more than a fighter. He was an individual we appreciated and cared a lot about. He marched to a drum only he could hear, and he was happy with that—so were we and so were his fans. He worked so hard to get fans more involved in the industry and be a part of his team. He was the kind of guy who kept on trying every day to improve…not just in fighting but in his life as a whole.”

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Yesterday we were somewhat surprised to hear that former UFC champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson had pleaded not guilty in his felony hit-and-run, evading police case. Usually when there are pictures of you committing a crime in a monster truck that has your picture on it, your legal options are fairly limited. But Jackson spoke to the OC Register after his arraignment on Thursday and cleared a lot of things up. You see, he only did it because God and the devil were fighting inside his mind. It happens. Oh, and he had also been watching “The Secret,” in addition to not sleeping, eating, or drinking anything other than nutritious energy drinks:

Jackson, a former UFC champion who is one of the biggest names in one of the fastest-growing sports, said he also felt there was a spiritual war going on in his mind between God and the devil when he raced down Newport Boulevard on July 15, leaving a wake of rumpled cars, frightened pedestrians and angry police.

He said he thought he was on a mission to save a friend – who had recently lost his faith in God – and was unaware that he had hit any other cars or was being pursued by a phalanx of police cars.

“I thought I heard the voice of God telling me to go save Brian,” he said in an interview Thursday after his arraignment on two felony evading arrest charges. “I felt if I didn’t get to Brian, he would die.”

Now, he says, he believes he was irrational because of lack of sleep and nutrition.

“What was I thinking?” he said. “l know now that Brian was never in danger. …But I really thought at the time that he was about to die.”

The chase apparently ended in front of friend Brian Talbert’s home. Rampage had spent the night before watching the DVD of “The Secret” over and over again, and then remembered he had loaned a copy to Talbert, and became obsessed with getting to him to make sure he watched it. For those of you unaware, “The Secret” is a completely ridiculous New Age-type philosophy that encourages people to change physical reality through the sheer force of thought. It is, in other words, alchemy for the modern idiot. But wait, this Rampage saga gets weirder:

(‘Ain’t love beautiful and totally freaking bizarre, baby?’)

Okay, so that headline might be slightly misleading. All we know for sure is that there is a baby inside Jenna Jameson. How it happened and who’s to blame, that’s all speculation until they go on the Maury Povich show to get the DNA test done. The real question is, when the results are announced, will Tito be the type of guy who launches into a awesomely inappropriate celebration dance? Oh, these timeless questions.

Our friends over at Holy Taco have more on Jenna’s official pregnancy announcement, as well as a hilarious take on what the fateful night of conception must have been like. Naturally, this is followed by a photoshop that will probably condemn you to hell for all eternity just for looking at it. As if you weren’t headed there, anyway.

We can’t help but wonder what kind of child will come out of this union of bodily fluids. Being the progeny of famous people already increases your chances of being a total screw-up in life, even more so than being the progeny of rich people, and this kid will be both.

But beyond that, it will also be the child of two people who are famous for, shall we say, unconventional reasons. Perhaps no other child in the history of the universe will have as many opportunities to get in fights with kids at school who say things about his mother, while also having such great chances to win all those fights via ground-and-pound.

Could this be the perfect recipe for creating a future MMA star? Maybe. Or else he’ll grow up hating his parents and become an ultra-conservative evangelical preacher who leads aggressive campaigns to outlaw pornography, pro fighting, hastily-thrown-together memoirs, and hair dye. Either way, this child is going to be something special.