Thanks to your brilliant nominations, we’ve selected the 15 best spots in North America to watch MMA events with a drink in your hand. All of these places have been sent official CagePotato banners to hang during fight nights, so if you swing by and see one, pat yourself on the back, because you made that happen. So which watering holes made the cut? And are any of them *not* famous for their wings? Read on, Potato Nation.

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HUMPERDINK’S
700 Six Flags Dr.; Arlington, Texas
Located about a half-mile from Rangers Ballpark and the soon-to-be-opened new Cowboys stadium, Humperdinks is revered by Dallas-area sports fanatics, and as long as the home teams aren’t playing, Dink’s is all about their cage-fighting. Besides the fact that every UFC event is shown and there’s never a cover, the restaurant’s main selling point is the 16 varieties of beer that are brewed on the premises, which you can actually buy kegs of to take home with you. We suggest pairing their Total Disorder Porter with a big hearty fight like Lesnar vs. Mir II, and the seasonal Raspberry Blonde with something lighter and more technical like Penn vs. Florian.
Our readers say: “The girls are always hot (it’s Texas, did you expect anything different?) and the bouncers are big enough to make you think twice about throwing that haymaker you saw on the show.” — kadumel

EL GUAPO CANTINA
7250 Melrose Ave.; Los Angeles, California
Laid back sports bars are something of a rarity in Hollywood, but lo and behold, there’s El Guapo Cantina right on Melrose, showing UFC fights for a modest five-dollar cover.  The place gets packed on fight nights, so getting there early is a good idea, and while you’re there you might as well eat a steak quesadilla.  They’ve also staffed their team of waitresses with aspiring actresses (it is Hollywood), which means that even if they can’t remember what you ordered they’re still easy on the eyes and can probably cry on cue.
Good to know: El Guapo features semi-regular beer pong tournaments.  Judging from the standings published on their website, they’re pretty serious about it too.  Consider yourself warned.

PUNCHERS SPORTS BAR
421 Third St.; Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Pretty much everything you need to know about Punchers you can learn from their signature drink – The Donkey Punch.  Beyond that, they’re friends of the local MMA scene and have largely designed this downtown bar for hosting fight-viewing parties.  There’s even a punching bag in the bar.  Things can get a little rowdy, but you better keep it level during the fights.  They don’t play around once that gladiator intro starts up.
Good to know: Every week they offer the Tuesday Triathlon, which is comprised of shuffleboard, pool, and the punching bag.  Winner gets a $100 bar tab.  Losers get sad.

(This must be what Bizarro World Ross Clifton looks like.)

Forget about the Ken Shamrock-Tank Abbott bout that you’ve been positively salivating over, because Bloody Elbow says Shamrock will get beaten up by former pro wrestler Bobby Lashley at Roy Jones Jr.’s “March Badness” event in Pensacola, Florida first.  Looks like you’ll have to wait a little longer for your dream fight, MMA fan who is stuck in 1996.

Lashley has only one pro fight so far, which might be reason enough for Shamrock — who is still riding high after his victory over morbidly obese tomato can Ross Clifton — to think he has a chance.

But does he really have a shot?  Of course not.  Lashley may be a newcomer to MMA, but he was a national wrestling champion in college.  In addition to that, he’s also a superb athlete and is not really old, slow, and suffering visible effects from years of beatings.  In other words, he has several crucial advantages over Shamrock.

(‘Crank my neck all you want…I still say…a strategy that involves nationalizing banks…is untenable…over a long period of time.’)

Now here’s a rare positive story coming out of the strange place where economic disaster and martial arts training meet.  The Gracie Barra gym in Clearwater, Florida is offering free classes to people who have recently lost their jobs.  As a way to ease the stress of the unemployed and keep them from killing themselves and their families, owner Eduardo de Lima will let you train for free for six months or until you get a job, whichever comes first:

"I always said to my students, ‘If you lose your job, just come in anyway.’ It’s more important for them to work out, because it releases the stress of life," said De Lima, 40, who’s been teaching jiu-jitsu for 16 years. "When (people) get stressed from money problems, they do dumb things," he said, citing the Los Angeles man who recently shot his family and then himself after losing his job.

Stress relief, huh?  I guess that’s one explanation behind this free jiu-jitsu offer.  Another explanation might be that de Lima is training an army of the economically disenfranchised.  Think about it: they’re desperate, angry, and have nothing to lose.  They also don’t have to go to work, so they can train pretty much all day.

Sure, it sounds crazy now.  But we’ll see whose crazy in six months when de Lima and his legions sweep through Washington D.C. and then Wall Street, taking over the country and its financial institutions via armbars and rear naked chokes.  Viva la jiu-jitsu revolution!  Free gi’s for everyone!

(Ah, the good old days…)

New rules regarding cornermen and the application of Vaseline will be on display at tonight’s UFC Fight Night 17, and they’re thought to be permanent.  If anybody doesn’t like it they have George St. Pierre’s crew to blame.  

MMA Weekly reports that the UFC has decreed “that cornermen associated with the fighters will no longer be allowed to handle the Vaseline used in between rounds to treat and prevent cuts.”  Instead, the UFC will provide a cut man to each corner, and he’ll be the only one allowed to apply Vaseline or work on a cut.  

Since only two people are allowed in the Octagon at a time, one of a fighter’s trainers has to stay out if they need the UFC-sanctioned cut man to do his work.  And since you pretty much always want to put Vaseline on your fighter’s face between rounds, the effect of this new rule will probably be to limit corners to one trainer inside the cage.

Two things on this new rule…

(If Tank was allowed to use his fearsome jiu-jitsu, it would have been a totally different story. Photo courtesy of MMAWeekly.)

When it was first announced that the Florida State Boxing Commission would not be investigating EliteXC’s alleged fight-fixing attempt, it seemed like the scandal would quietly be swept under the rug. But the public/media outcry has become too loud to ignore, and ESPN.com is reporting that the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation — which oversees the FSBC — will open a preliminary investigation into the legality of Seth Petruzelli’s “knockout bonus”:

“While the Department of Business and Professional Regulation doesn’t have any reason to believe there was a problem with the Slice-Petruzelli fight, given the interest in it, the Department has begun a preliminary investigation to thoroughly review the circumstances of the fight,” said Jennifer Meale, Communications Director for the DBPR.

Responding to this new development, EliteXC Head of Operations Jeremy Lappen continued to deny that the promotion acted inappropriately in any way:

“We offered Seth Petruzelli a knockout bonus, a submission bonus and “fight of the night” bonus. If we were trying to influence the fight, why would we do that?”

Oh, so now Seth was offered a submission bonus too? This is the first we’ve heard about that one, and of course, it directly contradicts what Petruzelli originally said. (“They didn’t want me to take him down.”) Former EliteXC boss Gary Shaw isn’t helping their case either. Speaking to the L.A. Times, $kala’s dad said…

(Money well spent.)

It looks like all our outrage was for naught. Speaking on behalf of the Florida State Boxing Commission, Department of Business and Professional Regulation press secretary Alexis Antonacci told MMA Weekly that the FSBC does not interpret Seth Petruzelli’s recent interview comments as evidence of fight fixing:

“We take Petruzelli’s comments to mean that he got paid more to move up in the card, which is accurate and perfectly within the regulations. Because without someone, him in this case, stepping in to be part of the main event, the event would not have gone off…We don’t believe any wrongdoing occurred. That being said, if someone believes that wrongdoing did occur, they can file a complaint with the commission, with the department, and we will look into it.”

According to Antonacci, one or more FSBC officials were present during the negotiations between EliteXC and Petruzelli, and had verified there was no impropriety.

Nevada State Athletic Commission executive director Keith Kizer — who may be biased due to his long association with the UFC, but whaddya gonna do — sees it another way. As he told MMA Weekly:

“Hypothetically, if that happened, and we found out later that one of the fighters or both were told, ‘look, you need to fight a certain way,’ or some incentive not to utilize part of your skills, I would file a complaint. I would file a complaint against the promoter; I would probably file a complaint against the athlete as well.”

On the bright side, this sport doesn’t need a scandal right now. Without more proof than some tossed-off remarks on a morning zoo radio show, it’s probably for the best that this all went away. (Though if you want to take Antonacci up on her offer and file a complaint with the commission, go for it…)

(Man, I just hope Ken’s HMO is going to cover this.)

Yesterday’s press conference for Elite XC: Heat provided all the requisite photo ops and pre-packaged quotes. We get to hear every fighter talk about what a great opportunity this is, how much they love Elite XC, etc. But what every good press conference has to have is a quote that just plain doesn’t make sense. Thankfully, Kimbo Slice obliged:

“Ken’s fighting in Florida, which is no place for an old man. I’m mentally prepared and ready to do it and represent the crib. It’s going to be ‘305’ (his area code) all day.”

Really? Florida’s no place for an old man? Perhaps what he meant to say was, Florida is the place for an old man. Senior citizens make up 16.8% of the population there (don’t say you never learn anything on Cage Potato). If anything, Florida is the perfect place for a fighter of advanced age such as Shamrock. He can catch an early bird dinner before the fight, then maybe enjoy some shuffleboard after the bout is over. When he finally comes to, that is.

Speaking of Shamrock, you didn’t think you were going to have a press conference without him putting his public speaking gifts into action, did you?

Props to Fightlinker (I guess) for turning us on to this kinda depressing video of two “little people” fighting each other in a 6′x6′ cage for the amusement of a bunch of drunken hicks in a Tampa-area honkey-tonk. After a fierce back-and-forth battle, Chip “Demo” Santiago defeats the much larger Jason “Short Dog” Jones via guillotine choke, and referee Herb Dean climbs in to make it official. Seriously.

Dwarf Cage Fighting’s official website explains their operation thusly:

Dwarf cage fighting is a unique event. Dwarfs fight mixed martial arts in a smaller scale UFC style cage. [Ed. note: It's a dog cage, basically.] These might be little people; but they have big skills. They train just like other fighters, grappling, boxing, kickboxing, jiu jitsu, sambo, muay thai, and more. Often times fans leave with a look of shock on their faces when they see the skill level these micro athletes display…If you want the most SHOCKING [Ed. note: Because they're so skilled!], Unusual, guaranteed pull at your nightclub, you need to email us today!

The website also has a link to a St. Petersburg Times profile on Demo Santiago, where it’s revealed that DCF’s champion and marquee fighter is a former operations manager at UPS who married one normal-sized woman then impregnated another, and has put in work as everything from a St. Patrick’s Day bar leprechaun to a Valentine’s Day cupid. He also doesn’t need your pity:

“Where were you when people are making fun of me on the streets?” he asks anyone concerned. “Why are you trying to take money out of my hand?” … Santiago jumped at an idea suggested by his promoter. Ultimate cage fighting is a hit. So is the TLC reality show Little People, Big World. Why not dwarf ultimate fighting cage matches?

“It’s like TLC meets Spike TV,” Santiago says.

Fair enough. I just wish the cages were bigger. What do you think, people? Dwarves: Good or bad for the sport?

Related: Germany or Florida?

(Props: Steve Cofield, again)

We just had to go and complain that Elite XC and CBS weren’t doing enough to hype their Oct. 4 event. Then came “Hits & Chicks.” Now it’s “the greatest mixed martial arts show in Florida history” featuring “undefeated Miami street fighting legend” Kimbo Slice. Oh, and just in case you were worried that his street fighting days weren’t being well-represented enough, they made sure to include plenty of clips. I don’t know if they’re referring to him as undefeated in MMA, which is true, or undefeated in street fighting, which is not (Sean Gannon, anyone?), but either way you get the point. They stop just short of showing Kimbo working out with the Milf Hunter, presumably because they had to give Ken Shamrock his obligatory three seconds of screen time.

When it comes to selling tickets, I guess you hype whatever you got, however you can.

(Legislation! Sweet!)

Some victories in the ongoing battle to convince ignorant states that MMA is truly The Greatest Sport on Earth. First, Tennessee has passed legislation calling for the sanctioning of mixed martial arts. Memphis native Quinton Jackson and UFC VP Marc Ratner can share much of the credit, as they both met with lawmakers to sing MMA’s praises. Governor Phil Bredesen will put the legislation into effect today, and Tennessee plans to create a state athletic commission to regulate the sport. Said Ratner:

“[O]nce the new Tennessee Athletic Commission is formed and has all the rules in place, we will be looking at Tennessee as a state to host a fight. We believe that with their beautiful arenas and diehard fan base, Memphis or Nashville would be great hosts for a UFC event.”

Meanwhile, the executive director of the Florida Athletic Commission told the South Florida Sun Sentinel that amateur mixed martial arts will also become fully sanctioned today in his state. Amateur MMA is already allowed in Florida (to some extent), but head strikes on the ground are prohibited. Now the ammys can ground-and-pound just like the pros. God bless America.

Sick new vid from ATT via TUF. It’s hard to name another fight team that’s as deep and consistent as Calvancante, Kang, Monson, “Dinyero,” Yves, Bigfoot Silva and the rest. Coconut Creek FTW.

EliteXC sent out a press release yesterday announcing that tickets to their February 16th event featuring Kimbo Slice and Tank Abbott will go on sale this Friday at Ticketmaster, and confirming that the event will take place at the BankUnited Center at the University of Miami. Check the first sentence:

“Fans seeking to participate in perhaps the biggest, most significant fight card in the history of mixed martial arts in Florida will have the opportunity to reserve their spots beginning this Friday, Jan. 11, when tickets to EliteXC’s tremendous mega-event on Saturday, Feb. 16, will go on sale.”

At first, I skipped over that “in Florida” part and nearly shot Scotch out of my nose. Upon re-reading, I was still unconvinced. Surely this sideshow won’t be bigger than the UFC’s record-breaking Ortiz/Shamrock III event, or UFC 42, which featured Matt Hughes’s five-round war with Sean Sherk. Personally, I don’t think it’ll even be as significant as those smoker matches Din Thomas was arrested for last year — I mean, Din kinda became our Rosa Parks after that one. I love fight-hype as much as the next guy, but to paraphrase John Lennon, if you start referring to Slice/Abbott as a “tremendous mega-event,” you ain’t gonna make it with anyone anyhow.

I’ve ranted before about how unfortunate of a move this fight is for Kevin Ferguson and EliteXC, so I’ll spare you this time. Instead, I’ll post this bizarre video of Tank Abbott drunkenly mouthing off to a guy wearing a Kimbo Slice mask (at a bar? in his basement?), which looks to be directed by David Lynch and shot with the same camera used to record Rick Salomon banging Paris Hilton.

MMA veteran and TUF 4 alum Din Thomas was arrested yesterday for allegedly running un-sanctioned MMA bouts at his gym in St. Lucie West, Florida. (You can see the police report here.) An undercover police officer at the scene observed “a large caged octagon ring with two men inside fighting. There was a third male in the octagon acting as a referee. Around the octagon there were several people (approx. 150 men, women and minors) sitting and standing on make shift stands and chairs facing the octagon cheering while watching the two men fight. Both fighters wore gloves but did not have any protective headgear on. At the front door to the location there was a table with a small sign stating ‘$10.00 per person.’ Also located on the table was a roll of raffle tickets*.”

This sounds like a common shakedown to me. MMA fights in the state of Florida are regulated by the Florida Boxing Commission, an organization that is no doubt frustrated over the fact that no one gives a shit about boxing anymore. Thomas can’t hold an amateur MMA exhibition in his own gym without getting an OK from these jokers? Recockulous. It’s MMA persecution, and we should all be pissed about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make an iron-on “Free Din Thomas” t-shirt.

*There was no word on who won the raffle.