(Can professional Droog-style gang-fighting be far behind?)

For almost as long as MMA has existed, there have been scheming fight promoters trying to one-up normal cage-fighting with increasingly bizarre variations. We’ve seen three-man MMA, better known as “two guys beating the shit out of another guy.” We’ve seen tag-team MMA, which makes even less sense from a logistical perspective. We’ve seen Montana-style Motocross MMA, and the abomination known as XARM, and we’ve gleefully mocked their stupidity. If two men fighting each other isn’t exciting enough for you, you probably just need better cocaine.

The latest entry in this dignified line of MMA offshoots is two-on-two MMA, which will be part of the next Desert Rage Full Contact Fighting show, October 20th at the Paradise Casino in Yuma, Arizona. As fighter-turned-promoter Chance Farrar explained to MMAJunkie, “We started trying it in the gym, and it’s been successful. It’s nothing short of controlled chaos, but exciting. You can’t predict what’s going to happen…This fight does not last. That’s why I’m bringing it to Desert Rage. I think the fans want to see it.”

Here’s how it works: Weight classes are determined by a team’s collective weight. (Lightweight is 350 pounds and below; middleweight is 425 pounds and below; and heavyweight is 500 pounds and below.) Rounds will be five minutes each, with a one-minute rest period between each round, but there will be no limit to how many rounds a fight can go. No elbows or knees will be allowed.

Two referees will do their best to control the action. When a fighter is stopped by knockout, submission, or referee stoppage, a one-minute rest is called to give officials time to remove the eliminated fighter, before the fight is re-started. If an eliminated fighter is unable to leave the cage within the one-minute period, the other team wins by forfeit. The match ends when one side loses both fighters.

(LOL @ Toney trying to form a sentence at the 0:41 mark. I mean, dementia pugilistica is a tragedy and all, but come on, that’s hilarious. Props: ESNEWS)

I guess it was too good to be true. According to a recent press release from the James Toney camp, the highly(-ish?) anticipated MMA superfight between Toney and UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has been delayed until early next year, which is probably just a nice way of telling us that it’s been canceled altogether. Instead, Lights Out will be focusing his efforts on boxing cruiserweight contender Denis Ledbedev, November 5th in Russia. If that fight comes together, it’ll be the first time since 2003 that Toney will compete at 200 pounds. Believe it, son.

BoxingInsider claims the Toney vs. Shamrock MMA match has “fallen apart over money issues.” Wait a minute, does that mean Chael Sonnen was right the whole time? As he so eloquently put it last month…

(Video Props: LarryBrownSports.com)

Bad news: it’s starting to look like this thing is really happening. Worse news: as if the combatants themselves weren’t awful enough, the injection of special rules qualify it as an early runner for the least-meaningful highly-publicized fight ever.

(You’d better start sewing the dress for this little guy.)

There’s really no easy way to tell you this, so we’re just going to come right out and say it: As first reported by BJPenn.com, UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock and trash-talking boxing champ turned Randy Couture choke-victim James Toney have agreed to face each other in an MMA bout this fall. The original report pegged the match to an unnamed event in El Paso, Texas, on September 23rd, but Toney’s trainer Trever Sherman says the bout could happen in September or October, and that Texas was simply the most likely location at this point; more details will be hashed out this weekend between the two fighters’ camps.

Look, we all had a good time laughing at Toney’s misfortune after all the smack he talked leading up to his humiliating MMA debut at UFC 118.  But we gotta give him credit for getting back up on the horse. And to be brutally honest, he stands a much better chance against Shamrock, who hasn’t had much success over the last few years, outside of a plodding decision over the rotund Jonathan Ivey last year. (We’re not counting Shamrock’s 2009 submission over Ross Clifton as a legitimate victory, considering he tested positive for steroids after the fight, and Clifton was just seven months away from death at the time of the fight.)

(A Japanese whaling boat dumps out the day’s catch…)

By CagePotato contributor Matthew Kaplowitz

As Japanese MMA seems to slowly dwindle away from the glory days of the sport, hardcore fans like myself shed a tear for our great loss. It wasn’t just knowing those obscure 135-pounders whose names had syllables our gaijin tongues could barely pronounce, or the fact that it was the land where stomping and soccer-kicking a human being in the face was perfected into a sweet science. More than that, it was the stars that were produced that we came to know and love, whether they were fighting someone on their level or tearing open a tomato can — and that is where this list begins.

Blatant mismatches aside, JMMA gave us so many beautiful fights with men like Fedor Emelianenko, Mirko “Crocop” Filipovic (go tell your favorite TUF noob that his last name is not Crocop and relish in their confusion), Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Ikuhisa Minowa and Kazushi Sakuraba. For every epic bout that went into the history books for their unbelievable drama, we had other fights that we remember for less than pleasant reasons. Yes, the freak show fights! What would a JMMA event be without a match worthy of a 1930′s carnival? The big question here was how do I rank something that is mediocre to begin with? Well, I’m as clueless as you are, so let’s get started on this journey down “Freak Show Lane,” across the street from “What Were They Thinking? Boulevard”…

10. Daiju Takase vs. Emmanuel Yarbrough
Pride 3, 6/24/98

This was the first freak show fight in Pride history, and earns a place on this list for that merit alone. It pit 169 lb. Daiju Takase against 600 lb. Emmanuel Yarbrough, who most fans will recall was clobbered into submission by Keith Hackney and his broken hand at UFC 3 (Yarbrough has no luck in any event associated with the number three). The sumo plodded around the ring tossing his hamhock arms at Takase, while the smaller Japanese fighter fled and slowly wore down Yarbrough.

Takase makes the mistake of going for a lazy single leg on Yarbrough, which results in the large fighter flopping onto his belly and absorbing Takase into his flesh. As Stephen Quadros lamented, “This is horrible! This is like “Jaws!” Eventually, Takase slid out from the greasy underside of Manny, and in an ending eerily similiar to his UFC 3 fight, Takase went to town with clubbing hands to his exhausted opponent’s face, leading to a tapout in the middle of the second round.

(Video courtesy of 8countnews.com.)

Since he lives in one of the biggest glass houses in mixed martial arts, former Toughman competitor, World Wrestling Federation guest performer, YAMMA Pitfighter and Oxblood Oxheart doppelganger Eric “Butterbean” Esch may want to think twice about tossing proverbial stones at other fighters in the sport like he has at fellow boxer-turned-mixed martial artist James Toney.

In a recent interview with 8countnews, Esch, who is promoting his Moosin: Gods of Martial Arts show May 21 in Worcester, MA calls the former IBF middleweight, super middleweight and cruiserweight champion and current NABO and IBA heavyweight champion a “circus act.” Considering that the main event of his ridiculously named show will feature 6-foot-8-inch former UFC heavyweight champion and custom chopper enthusiast Tim Sylvia versus “World’s Strongest Man” Mariusz Pudzianowski, and that Esche’s photo appears in the dictionary under the definition of “freak show,” his comments are humorously paradoxical.

(Sylvia vs. Sims @ Superbrawl 38, 12/12/04. You had me at that intro music.)

According to Wes Sims’s manager Ken Pavia, the A-Hole Show will try to follow up his paycheck-collection at Strikeforce: Miami by taking on Tim Sylvia at an Adrenaline MMA event in Youngstown, Ohio, on March 20th. The bout will be held under special rules, in which spectators will be allowed to throw peanuts at the fighters during the match. Just kidding, but with both men drifting near the low points of their careers, it’s hard to look at this meeting as anything but a freak show — even if it’ll surely be sold as a grudge match between two extremely dangerous tall UFC vets.

Sylvia and Sims fought once before in Superbrawl, following Sims’s 0-3 stretch in the UFC and Sylvia’s loss via broken arm to Frank Mir. It was an easy mauling for the Maine-iac, who won by TKO in a minute and a half. In his last appearance, Sylvia rebounded from a humiliating knockout loss against Ray Mercer (and snapped a three-fight losing streak) by scoring a first-round TKO over Jason Riley at Adrenaline 4 in September. Sims most recently put on a ton of weight and lost to Bobby Lashley, following an exhibition loss to Justin Wren on The Ultimate Fighter 10 last year. Is it even worth asking who ya got?

With his one-year steroid suspension coming to an end next month, UFC Hall-of-Famer/Juggalo wrestler Ken Shamrock is ready to get back out there and prove that he can still circle the cage for a few minutes, fall dead to the mat after getting punched, and collect his paycheck. And get this: Some attention-hungry new promotion is actually giving him a shot at a championship belt.

MMA Fighting passes along the news that International Unlimited Fighting‘s debut event (March 6; Cancun, Mexico) will feature a five-round light-heavyweight title bout between Shammy and Seth Petruzelli. If you’ll recall, Shamrock was originally supposed to face Kimbo Slice at EliteXC: Heat in October ’08, but pulled out at the last minute due to a cut over his eye, and was replaced by Petruzelli, who went on to knock Slice out in 14 seconds. It’s unclear how the IUF will be able to spin that bit of shared history into the inevitable grudge-match angle. If anything, Petruzelli is probably thankful to Shamrock for providing him with the opportunity to make his name off of Kimbo on network television. We can only hope that Shamrock calls Petruzelli a pink-haired fruitcake and threatens to beat him into a living death.

Petruzelli — who will win this fight in the first round, assuming there’s no pre-fight drug test that would bar Shamrock from competing in the first place, and since it’s being held in Mexico I’m assuming we’re all good — last competed in August, when he scored a first-round TKO over Chris Baten.

Well, here it is — your main event from Strikeforce: At the Dome. Watch as Sapp starts running for his life at the 3:37 mark. By the way, Nortje’s “14-12 MMA record” is a complete fabrication. But then again, Bob Sapp was never an “NFL star.”