And now for something completely different: In the latest installment of our “Street Fight Funhouse” series, MMA fighter/comedian Gerald Harris takes a break from the brawlin’ to do his bad lip-reading take on a post-fight conversation between Wanderlei Silva and Gareth A. Davies. If you don’t laugh at this, damn you to hell.
Years ago, my dad saw a young Georges St. Pierre fight before I did. When I finally got a chance to see GSP in action, I agreed with my dad that he was like some Jean Claude Van Damme movie character come to life, what with his crazy kicks and foreign accent.
How awesome and funny would it be if Van Damme and his real fighter counterpart ever met, we laughed. Turns out, it’s just creepy.
Van Damme spent some time in Montreal with St. Pierre before UFC 154 working out, which is captured in this new video that he produced. We give Van Damme credit for being an actual athlete and for staying in amazing shape — and for, more than likely, being able to kick our asses — but he is creeping into Steven Seagal territory with this video.
While no one can approach the arrogance and outright fabrications of Seagal, Van Damme’s video does include a highlight reel mixing him acting in movies and St. Pierre fighting in real life. Ok, for writers of a certain age (mine) who grew up loving Van Damme movies, short-short splits on counter tops and all, the highlight reel is kind of dope.
Then you realize, “wait, is he actually drawing parallels between his movie roles and St. Pierre?” All that we can forgive the fifty-something actor. It is understandable that a Hollywood actor would try to get attention by jumping on to the MMA bandwagon. Van Damme also seems to be a legit fan of the sport and its athletes. It’s just that he may be too much of a fan of its athletes. Remember his creepy attempted make-out session with Fedor a few years ago?
Okay. What in the actual fuck is going on on top of Tank Abbott‘s head in this video? And why does Aaron Tru spend a full six-minutes with the man without even mentioning it? We’re supposed to let this Peter Brady-looking monstrosity slide, just because Tank is an old badass who used to mock his opponents’ seizures during the Clinton administration?
Instead of hearing Tank’s opinions about Tito Ortiz, or what he thinks of modern MMA compared to old-school NHB — talk about pitching one down the middle, by the way — here’s what I’d like to know: Is the hair for a movie role or something? And how many nutria had to die in order to sew it together?
And as a final insult, Tru doesn’t even get beat up or drink bodily fluids at the end of the segment. Damn, dude…what’s the point?
The Ranger Up crew are known for two things: making hilarious/awesome t-shirts and making hilarious/awesome/creepy videos starring either Tim Kennedy or Jorge Rivera. They’ve parodied everything from Monty Python to Katy Perry, but more often than not, their videos amount to little more than a dose of anti-Michael Bisping propganda. We would be quick to declare these videos an undeniable success had they not severely backfired on Bisping’s opponents in each instance, but they were at least moderately entertaining in failure nonetheless.
And today, Kennedy and the gang have decided to shift their focus from that of public humiliation to that of social responsibility. We’re talking about voting, people. It kicks ass. And regardless of your stance on the candidates at hand, the economy, gay rights, abortion, or having binders full of women, you should probably vote, because if you don’t, you could end up like the poor gentlemen above.
How can I describe Nate “The Train” Landwehr? Imagine an evil government experiment in which the combined DNA of Clay Guida, Riff Raff, and Ric Flair were mixed together in a petri dish and left to ferment in a sock drawer for like three weeks. He’s a fully hyped up sumbitch, and he does his best work directly after his fights, whenever a microphone is aimed near his face. This clip came after Nate’s second-round TKO win over Chris Wright (“I mean Chris Wrong”) at XFC 20 on Friday, which began with some trash-talk and ended in a near-brawl inside the cage. During the post-fight interview with our bros at MMA:ITC, he’s a bouncing ball of adrenaline, who appears ready to break out a freestyle rap verse at any moment. He’s the anti-Gunnar Nelson.
Two more of Landwehr’s post-fight interviews are after the jump, along with his first XFC win over Billy Mullins in June, which ended in a horribly late stoppage.
Props to the UG for the find and MMAInterviews for this video, which asks several of the fighters from UFC on FOX 4, along with several other MMA stars, what Olympic event they would most likely compete in if they weren’t mixed martial artists. The responses ranged from funny (Joe Lauzon’s desire to try and make people give a shit about speed walking) to optimistic (5′ 8” Jamie Varner’s chances as a high-jumper) to spot-on for their personality (Ryan Bader would “throw rocks” and lift weights, go figure).
And speaking of Olympics, are we the only ones who think water polo is receiving far too much coverage this year? We’re sorry, but whatever asshole took a look at soccer and thought “You know what we should do with this sport? Slow it way, way down, limit the players mobility, and blow a whistle every three seconds” should be shot in the face, then dragged to a nearby park to make it look like a suicide. And yes, we know that person is probably dead already. Just go with it.
Anyway, it is with this inspiring little interview that we ask you taters to fill the blanks in for the following sentence:
If ______ were an Olympian instead of an MMA fighter, he/she would ______.
At last, UFC middleweight contender Chael Sonnen pulls back the curtain to confirm that the “mean streets” of West Linn, Oregon, weren’t really that mean after all. LOL, etc., but can we take a moment to appreciate what a legitimately talented comedic actor Chael is? The pause at 0:27-0:33, the delivery of the “hundred grand” line at 1:27 — the man’s got a future in showbiz after Anderson Silva ends his MMA career this Saturday.
Seriously, TBS is giving away sitcoms to chuckleheads like Danny Masterson and Steve Byrne. Why not Chael Sonnen?
After the jump: A video response from the #1 dumbest broad on the Internet.
(This face describes the situation better than any words truly can.)
We guess when you are able to knockout a guy in the most devastating fashion possible in front of millions of people, you can pretty much call him whatever you want to afterward. If you don’t believe us, just ask Chuck Liddell, or for that matter, UFC middleweight kingpin Anderson Silva. After front kicking Vitor Belfort into hyper-sleep in the first round of their highly anticipated grudge match at UFC 126 and subsequently trouncing Yushin Okami at UFC 134, “The Spider” spent most of 2011 rehabbing his injured shoulder and judging nude body-painting contests like the boss that he truly is. When word got out that he would in fact be rematching world-renowned shit talker Chael Sonnen at UFC 148, the war of words began once again. And per usual, 99.9% of it came from the challenger.
But don’t let the completely falsified percentages fool you, the champ can talk trash with the best of them. Just check out the clip below, in which Anderson offers Wanderlei Silva a little bit of advice on “The Axe Murderer’s” opposing coach/upcoming opponent, Vitor Belfort, after Wanderlei brings it up. Apparently unaware that he still has a microphone on, Silva makes a mistake of Frank Drebian proportions, calling the Phenom “a coward” before realizing what he has done.
Chances are, if Chael Sonnen is not training for an upcoming fight or doing battle inside the octagon itself, he is sitting down in front of a camera and ranting about whatever is on his mind, be it Anderson Silva or the irresponsibility of Canadian reporters. As far as he’s concerned, these rants are meant to provide his audience with a higher understanding of the world around them, and are in the general public’s better interest. Thankfully, Sonnen was able to fight off the schizophrenia that will inevitably overtake his brain for long enough to jot down a collection of these rants into a “self help” book subtly titled “The Voice of Reason.” To say that it is the greatest collection of words and sentences ever committed to paper would be an understatement, so Sonnen opts to call it “A V.I.P pass to enlightenment” instead.
But just in case you didn’t pick up “The Voice of Reason” at your nearest bookstore (or in today’s society, on your Kindle), Sonnen recently locked himself in a dark and dreary basement to elaborate on everything from John McCain’s attempt to crush MMA before it got its sea legs to the conspiracies behind Area 51 and professional wrestling. Are these three things somehow related? Is Chael Sonnen some rogue government agent who has access to this kind of information? Is the Oregonian truly the UFC middleweight champion of the world, and we just don’t know it yet? To put it simply; no, maybe, and DUH.
(You wouldn’t know it because of the TRT and all, but three years ago, that Jabbawockee looked like this. )
Last Friday, mankind’s ongoing war with common sense and decency united in a copulation of takedowns, face masks, and remorse when Ultimate Ball held its first event at UCMMA 27 in London, England. For some twisted, inexplicable reason, an idea that was best left in the dark recesses of the meth-snorting exercise enthusiast who gave birth to this monstrosity was placed on display for the world to see, immediately leapfrogging “public lynchings” as the most disturbing form of human entertainment ever concocted. Seriously, if XARM, San Do Three-Man Fighting, and ShockFights had sex in the remains of the XFL, the resulting bastard child would be Ultimate Ball.
Check out the “highlights” from the first, and hopefully last, event after the jump. Just make sure your window is closed if you live higher up than the second floor.
(This is approximately how you will feel after watching the video.)
You know, for all the bizarre shenanigans Rampage Jackson seems to be getting himself into these days, he will never hold a candle to Bob Sapp. At this point in “The Beast’s” career, he has pretty much become a walking punchline in every sense of the word; a parody of a parody, if you will. And though it is easy to take shots at perhaps the lowest hanging fruit in the MMA landscape, we’re going to do it anyway. Let’s be honest, we follow Bob Sapp for the same reason that people watch reality television — to feel better about themselves afterward. He is the Troll 2of mixed martial arts, a fighter so terrible that one only watches him participate out of a need to feel ironic. Why can’t we look away, you ask? Because white america has never felt less threatened by a 300 pound muscular black man in the history of its existence, and we like the feeling.
Clearly Sapp has begun to embrace this image to its fullest extent, for what else can one do when in the midst of what will likely become a record setting losing streak? If you don’t believe us, just check out the promo he made for his upcoming May 12th KSW 19 clash with Mariusz Pudzianowski, courtesy of IronForgesIron. In a word, it is a revelation.
(“Gettin’ clean before we get dirty, I see? Alright then, baby, that’s…[*vomits*]“)
Katy Perry‘s latest video for “Part of Me” tells the story of a young woman who decides to enlist in the Marines after seeing her boyfriend canoodling with a co-worker. (Bear with us, this gets better.) So, she chops her hair off, embarks on an epic training montage, and when she gets a letter from her old beau, she burns it like the worthless trash it is. In the end, she is in a world of shit, yes, but she is alive, and she is not afraid.
God only knows why Ranger Up and actual-member-of-the-United-States-Armed-ForcesTim Kennedy decided to do a scene-by-scene parody of the video. Kennedy seems to be mocking the idea that joining the military is a logical response to having a bad day, but we think Tim just needed an excuse to put on a cheap wig and dance around with his friends. The point is, this happened, it really exists, and you can watch it below.
It appears that, distraught over his inability to get fired from the UFC, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has moved on to phase two of Operation: Batshit Condor. If you recall, phase one began with a DVD copy of The Secret and a six pack of Red Bull and ended with a high speed chase across Southern California. If thi video is any indication, phase two will undoubtedly end in the death of millions.
Perhaps realizing that his rap album won’t be climbing up the charts anytime soon, Jackson decided to return to his acting…I guess you’d call them, roots? The video that awaits you after the jump, which comes courtesy of FilmOn.com, is entitled “How To Pick Up a Gurl – Fast” with Rampage Jackson.
Prepare yourselves for this one, ladies and gentlemen.
- Singing an R. Kelly love-jam in a thick Portuguese accent while your crush is getting out of the shower? EHHHHH!
- Bragging about your movie/pilot Return of the Death-Knuckle, then humbly following it up with “but you don’t wanna get bored with how much money I’m gonna make, that stuffs, how much fame gonna have for me and for the ladies in my life”? NOOOOOOOOO!
- Desperately offering to give her your “code for MySpace’ee” as she walks away, then beating your head against a wall? Fail upon fail.
Happy Monday, Potato Nation. Whether you spent the weekend letting out some built up anxiety or fighting your way out of retirement, we can all take solace in the fact that most of us probably emerged unscathed from what was a prank filled April Fools Day yesterday. I, for one, was not so lucky. You see, I was unaware that yesterday was in fact April Fools Day. My ex, on the other hand, felt it would be funny to inform me that she was pregnant, and that the child was mine, only to send me a text at 12:01 a.m. stating the opposite. No one will miss her.
Speaking of people that found themselves victim to a good old fashioned AFD ruse, former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans was recently the target of a simple, albeit clever prank last weekend during an autograph signing session. One fan, who must not be able to purchase underwear due to the size of his massive balls, decided to ask Evans to autograph the above photo depicting his brutal knockout loss to Lyoto Machida at UFC 98. Considering Rashad’s well documented sense of humor, you’d think he could have a good laugh at his own expense.
Ladies and gentlemen (actually, just gentlemen), today is your lucky day, because you are about to learn how easy it is to become a UFC fighter. None other than TUF 8 runner up and rubber armed badass Vinny Magalhaes came across this instructional video last night and tweeted it for the world to see.
Simply put, if you have any aspirations of becoming an MMA UFC fighter, it would be idiotic not to watch this video, for it provides more insight into the world of mixed martial arts in a minute and a half than years of training and dedication could ever accomplish. Where Red Bull and The Secret failed, this video will succeed.
(You best believe that if Anderson’s wife isn’t making someone a sandwich, she’s doing their laundry.)
Keeping with the theme of previous UFC on Fox promos, the latest ad features none other than UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva trying to convince us that he’s just a normal guy whilst performing tasks that only The Fonz could get away with. No, he isn’t lip singing Minnie Riperton or seducing Brazilian pop stars, but “The Spider” manages to be entertaining nonetheless.
But your probably asking yourself, how could someone who all but refuses to speak English appear in an American television commercial? Surely they didn’t subtitle him, because our forefathers didn’t die face down in the mud so that we’d be forced to listen to some cockamamie, Godless language in our own homes and read on top of it. But it turns out that there would be no need for subtitles, because wouldn’t you know, Chael Sonnen wasn’t lying to us; Anderson Silva speaks better English than Jackie Chan has managed to learn in twenty-some years of acting.
This more or less confirms that Big Nog did in fact try to feed a bus a carrot. It’s only a matter of time until the truth is revealed.
(Hey, if it can happen to Joe Lauzon, it can happen to anyone, right?)
Featuring special appearances by Arianny Celeste and Bruce Buffer, the most recent “Web Redemption” on Tuesday’s episode of Tosh.0was probably the most star studded redemption to date. That’s not saying much for a show whose “celebrity” guest list has included the Cobra Kai Sensei, Carrot Top, and whoever David Archuleta is, but still, you get what we’re saying.
Starring Brandon “Bitch Boy” Han a.k.a the wuss who got choked out by a girl, and Courtnie Korpela a.k.a the woman who will haunt his dreams forever, this web rematch carried the fate of the male sex on its shoulders. With Ronda Rousey already making bold claims that she could beat up most of the male fighters in her weight division, we needed to suppress this notion of “equality in the cage” once and for all.
Join us after the jump to see how the rematch played out.
Cast as “Japanese schoolgirl” in the latest video by electro pop band Manufactured Superstars, Ms. Celeste turns in a performance that will surely go down as the single greatest piece of acting in a four minute party sequence of all time. Simply put, it brought tears to my penis eyes. As for the music itself, well, it roughly reminds me of something I’d come upon if I happened to be playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, so make what you want of that, and join us after the jump for the video.
A million arigatos to our friends at TerezOwens for sending us actual footage of the rap concert that Quinton Jackson did in Tokyo immediately following his loss to Ryan Bader at UFC 144. We can’t tell if this clip is an excerpt from Rampage’s new “doggy style” tribute, but either way, the lyrics are $kala-caliber. FYI, the performance went down at a club called Vanity in Tokyo’s Roppongi district. (As in, “vanity project.” As in, “My God this vanity project.”) Allow us to half-assedly transcribe:
Rampage: Get on sowaggichain Get down with Rampage We party like we paid Move! Yo ass, like you wanna get laid Now shake it, *you* shake it I wanna see that ass butt-naked
Rampage’s Asian hype-man: Yo, whassup? Everybody get down on the floor wuhsay HALT! Sup?
New York [Ed. note: You're in Tokyo, idiot.]
The video was uploaded to the YouTube account ShuHirata1968; Hirata is like the Ed Soares of Japan, and he always seems to have his video camera with him. For example, here’s another recent clip from Shu’s account that made us even more uncomfortable than Rampage’s rap show…
Robert Burneika is a cartoonishly bulky, Lithuanian-born bodybuilding champion who goes by the nickname “Hardkorowy Koksu,” which Google tells me is Polish for “Hardcore Coke.” (I guess the dude likes to party?) Following in the footsteps of Mariusz Pudzianowski, Burneika is set to make his MMA debut in the main event of MMA Attack 2, April 27th in Spodek, Poland. Coincidentally, or maybe not coincidentally, Burneika will be facing off against Marcin Najman (0-2), best known as the guy who Pudzianowski steamrolled in his own MMA debut.
To this point, Burneika’s martial arts experience has been limited to fucking up watermelons, although he’s apparently been picking up some knowledge from Robert Drysdale lately. Here’s a clip of Hardcore Coke in action, showing off his Gallagher-inspired high-kicks. If he can land that thing on Najman, we’ll have a new super-hulk contender on our hands. After the jump: Burneika works the heavy bag and shows off his cooking skills.
We gotta say, we are really digging these rogue movie parody advertisements for UFC events that have been popping up lately. First we were trated to G.I. Joe’s discussing all things horse related, then Nick Diaz scared us into locking our doors. Now it seems that perennial funnyman Will Ferrell has gotten into the mix of things, or at least his Anchorman character, Ron Burgundy, has.
Along with the classic Anchorman scene, the video combines clips from Buffer’s introductions with a recent appearance by Ferrell at a New Orleans Hornets/Chicago Bulls game in which he introduced the starting lineup. As with many Will Ferrell movies, the clip starts off strong before kinda pitter-pattering its way to the end. Enjoy, or don’t. It’s Friday, so wacky clips are kind of our thing today.
Join us after the jump for another mashup that will make you go into full montage mode.
Twitter is a marvelous tool. Dana White tells fans where to find free tickets, media outlets break stories, and your friends can share the crazy stuff they find on the inter-webs.
Coach Marc Montoya from Factory X in Denver, CO, decided to tie a tennis ball on a headband with an elastic string. Add this to the list of things you can think up while being bored out of your mind watching Haywire. The “Skull Blaster,” as he likes to call it, allows the fighter to work on striking, knees, and if you’re dumb enough to really put some heat on it, head movement. Too bad it won’t teach Chael how to get out of a triangle.
If you decide to try this at home, please send us the video. We wouldn’t want something that embarrassing to go to waste.
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