(Sure, “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion” is a respectable title in its own right, but it just doesn’t carry as much weight at the Playboy Mansion, you know?) 

If there’s one thing you can say about former UFC heavyweight champion and Depends spokesperson Tim Sylvia, it’s that the SOB is persistent. Although his once successful MMA career has become little more than a series of punctuated jokes nowadays — most of which revolve around his fat, fatty, “Fatty Boom-Boom” fatness – “The Maine-iac” will simply not be denied his rightful place back in the UFC’s heavyweight division no matter how many times Dana White pisses in his cornflakes.

But the main issue preventing Sylvia’s UFC aspirations from coming to fruition is one that he doesn’t seem to realize: relevant wins. In the past few years, Sylvia has crushed a few cans (and a professional bodybuilder) in unimpressive fashion, been decapitated in 9 seconds by an aging boxer, dropped a decision to Satoshi Ishii, and been spared a loss on a loosely-defined technicality in his completely unnecessary fourth fight with Andrei Arlovski at OneFC 5. Yet despite all this, Sylvia is still holding onto the hopes that he will end his mixed martial arts career “where it started,” which for all intents and purposes is the UFC. He spoke with MMAWeekly:

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future of the UFC heavyweight division. Ideally I would like to finish out my career where it started and that is in the UFC. There’s great fights out there for me and I’d like to put on a great show for the fans on the biggest stage there is, and that’s obviously the UFC.

And who would Boom-Boom like to face in his glorious return, you ask? For starters, Frank Mir, who infamously snatched Sylvia’s title (and his arm) at UFC 48: Payback, otherwise known as the event wherein Ken Shamrock scored his last relevant win…over Kimo. But the second name on Sylvia’s hit list (just beating out Jared from the Subway commercials because “I ate a thousand of those subs and didn’t lose a fucking pound.”), might surprise you:

(Must…resist…shit…getting…too…real…)

As a big fan of TUF 12′s Cody McKenzie, I’ve come to realize that it’s hard to fault the guy for his nonsensical and often self-destructive decisions, especially when it comes to choosing his opponents. The man reaches for the stars, dammit, and will simply not be told that he doesn’t have the right to call out Frankie Edgar, or Jose Aldo, or Chad Mendes, despite the fact that just managed to bring his win-loss ratio in the UFC to the .500 mark.

No, “The AK Kid” wasn’t one to overthink, or even realize the fact that he had dropped 3 out of his last 4 fights heading into his do-or-die bout with Leonard Garcia at UFC 159, which is why it makes total sense that he, now a featherweight, is calling out top lightweight contender Josh Thomson, like he didn’t just save his UFC career by beating a guy on a four-fight losing streak. How can you not love this kid?

(A dead-eyed lunatic who will not stop until she has destroyed her own kin? Where have we seen this sort of thing before?) 

Aren’t the elderly adorable, you guys? With their slow driving and their old-timey racism and their inability to adjust to current technological changes, they are all but walking punchlines just waiting to be set up! Take June White, for instance, who you might remember as the vitriolic, money-grubbing mother of UFC President Dana White. You see, old June wrote a tell-all book about her son a while back in which she claimed he was a soulless devil reincarnate, and has rightfully been raked over the coals for being the deplorable, transparent piece of garbage that she truly is in the time since. Typically, these attacks could be found in the form of comments like the one I just made on her Twitter account or her book’s Amazon page.

While most of us — like our buddies at Fightlinker, for instance — would write off the public’s harsh yet appropriate treatment of June as simple poetic justice, June herself has apparently viewed the backlash as an opportunity to self-implode with irony. Believe it or not, The Baldmother is now attempting to sue anonymous internet commenters with names like Bootyduty3 (If only I was joking) for “defamation, libel and civil conspiracy.” Sea Coast Online has the scoop:

June White, a Hampton resident and the mother of Ultimate Fighting Championship President Dana White, has filed a lawsuit to find out who has been smearing her name on the Internet ever since the release of a highly critical unauthorized biography she wrote about her son.

White claims a troop of cyberbullies — with aliases such as Bootyduty3, Joe Stranger and The Real June White — have been posting “horrific” comments about her and her family for more than a year. She said she fears her son’s company is behind the attacks. “I hate to say it but it could be (UFC that’s organizing the bad-mouthing), and that’s one of the reasons I really want to find out,” White said Wednesday. “If it is, that’s pretty sad.”

That’s Pretty Sad…June, I think someone just came up with the title of their soon-to-be-released autobiography!

More from this story, along with our running commentary, is after the jump.

It’s a pretty well known fact that UFC heavyweight Pat Barry is a pretty eccentric guy. The same can be said for his girlfriend, Invicta FC strawweight Rose “Thug” Namajunas — in fact, it’s probably what drew them to each other in the first place.

Anyway, Rose recently scored her second professional win via 12-second flying armbar at last weekend’s Invicta FC 5, as you well know. While we were thrilled for her for obvious reasons, our excitement paled in comparison to that of “HD,” who proceeded to jump up from his ringside seat and leap onto the cage like he had just finished stomping a mudhole in Christian Morecraft following Rose’s big win. Thank God there were no small children in his way, or we may very well have witnessed a massacre worse than Cyborg vs. Muxlow that night.

Barry’s (literally) over-the-top celebration should come as no surprise to those of us who have seen him corner Namajunas before, but damn, I just really want what those two have. Not love, I’m talking about brutal knockout power and the ability to pull off flying armbars. I can force someone to love me with those two things.

After the jump: A video of Namajunas’ brilliant submission from Invicta FC 5, because big whoop wanna fightaboutit?

(The original image, via Deadspin.)

Meet Clark Gracie. The decorated BJJ blackbelt is the son of Carley Gracie, the master of the Clarkoplata (Crucifix Omoplata hybrid), and the owner of The Clark Gracie Jiu Jitsu Academy in La Jolla, CA. He also happens to be a ridiculously photogenic guy, capable of making a blackbelt grappling match look like an Esquire Magazine photo-shoot. Even though this image has been around for a while now, the jokesters over at quickmeme have finally taken notice and created “Ridiculously Photogenic Jiu-Jitsu Guy” in his honor. We’ve compiled some of the best ones after the jump.

Upon doing a little research, we have discovered that longtime MMA announcer Michael “Good Night Irene” Schiavello is from some place called Australia. Awwstraileeyah. We’ve never heard of it either, but what you should know is that folks who hail from this…AUSTRALIA, tend to have funny-sounding voices. Not funny in a German nihilist kind of way, but funny nonetheless. At last Friday’s RFA 7 event, we found out that Schiavello’s accent becomes particularly amusing when attempting to pronounce the name of young fighter Danny Mainus.

You see, Mainus sounds a bit like “my anus,” you dig? It’s a fact that becomes quite humorous when Schiavello says things like “There’s a cut on Mainus,” or “Mainus is ready to pounce here.” And while this kind of humor might not be up your alley if you have moved on from the 8th grade, well, you’re probably not in our target audience anyway. So check out the video above and rate it on a comedic scale of Zookeeper to The Big Lebowski in the comments section, with Zookeeper obviously being on the upper end of the spectrum. When Kevin James started talking to that monkey, you guys, I totally roflcoptered. I roflcoptered all over myself.

Now piss off, because I need to finish writing this note to pass to Patty Nelson in chemistry class (more like phlegmistry class, amiright? *receives high fives from everyone at the cool kids lunch table*) to see if she’ll go with me to the Spring semi-formal. If she denies me, I’ll just tell Tony T and Space Face Mike that she has herpes anyway.

-J. Jones

(The family who pimps together, stays together.) 

Folks on the mats at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournaments tend to notice whenever a coach is shouting our instructions to their students in Portuguese or even a Portuguese accent. The reason being that it probably means they are from the fighting style’s native country and therefore know certain deadly secrets to convey to their pupils in their mystical coded language.

Or something.

The point is, some times the opposition can get psyched out by the ol’ Romance languages during tournaments. Imagine you’re a coach doing his best to prep a young student for his or her first Jiu Jitsu match and then you hear their opponent’s coach talking to them in Gracie-speak. Now, imagine if said Brazilian coach was Wanderlei Freaking Silva coaching his own son in his first tournament.

That’s just what happened last weekend, as Wandy was recorded…er…recording his son’s very first tournament performance whilst shouting instructions that likely left everyone else’s dad looking for the nearest exit. Fresh off a brutal KO victory of Brian Stann at UFC on FUEL 8, Wandy showed up, head shaved, tribal skull tattoo on full display, but holding a cell phone camera up to his face to capture his son on tape just like any other dad. Check out the video of Silva coaching his son, Thor, after the jump.

No, the above image is not something that was drawn up by a 7 year-old Japanese schoolboy in between classes, nor is it Dr. Scholl’s experiment gone awry involving a rubber factory and an army of millipedes. The utterly ridiculous mishmash of trampoline springs and synthetic leather pictured above is actually the Rampage Jackson-endorsed Reebok shoe responsible for Page’s latest tantrum aimed at the UFC. I cannot emphasize enough that I am not joking here. On a Rampage-Jackson-alternative-business-venture scale of “Rampage Punch” to “Now shake it, *you* shake it, I wanna see that ass butt-naked,“ I give it a solid “Transsexual rape video.” No, I will not go into further detail.

Set to hit the shelves on February 1st, the only thing more outlandish than the look of this thing is the 140 dollars it will cost you to pick up a pair. For one third of that price, I will gladly push you down a flight of stairs, trip you in a crowd, or use whatever method you prefer to achieve the sprained ankle you will inevitably suffer while wearing these moon shoes. Jackson says that the design was inspired by all terrain vehicles, but could someone please explain to me what sport or everyday activity these things could possibly be useful for? Or what group of people Reebok is trying to promote with these? Unless competitive hopscotching troglodytes are a huge undiscovered market that has just been waiting to be tapped into, I expect that these things will be filling the bargain bins at Reebok stores nationwide by Christmas. Anyone disagree?

(Props to FightersOnly for the find.) 

In the filmmaking/advertising business, the most common phrase you will hear is “Hey kid, if you want to make it anywhere you WILL get in this van.” But the second most common thing you will hear is to “show, not tell” — which oddly enough, normally precedes the first saying. So it is perhaps a testament to the people working in the Brazilian sector of Honda’s marketing department that they were able to convey so much in their new 45 second ad despite the fact that I couldn’t understand a goddamned word that was being said.

Seriously, this video has everything. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira rubbing lotion on his gloves. NO I DON’T KNOW WHY. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira eating a pineapple and dancing Gangnam style, then getting a spray tan. AGAIN, NO IDEA. Yet at the end of the day, the message is clear: HONDA GOOD. HONDA GET WOMAN. And being that it’s Brazilian, the ad also makes sure to squeeze in a few seconds of said women engaging in a pose-off whilst flames shoot out of some giant mechanical ring in the background. Did I not mention that this video has everything?

After the jump: A completely unrelated video that proves the superiority of Brazilian television once and for all. Again, it’s probably better if you just go in blind for this one.

In our first installment of MMA in the Wild, we observed the fighting patterns of the HillBillyetica DipShiticus, a creature that used Facebook chicanery and a surprisingly diverse striking attack to display his dominance as alpha male of the porch-dwelling, slack-jawed humanoid tribe. In today’s installment, we will witness a beast of an entirely different nature (puns!), known henceforth as the Ninjitsu Ballisticus. Combining the hidden rage of the World of Warcraft freak out kid with the technical striking abilities of a young Cung Le, Ballisticus does not head into the wild seeking a fight, and will only resort to such primitive methods of solving a dispute when his back is against a wall.

But when his back is against the wall, prepare for hell, because he will hit you with such force that both a visible dust cloud will appear on impact and THE GUILE THEME SONG WILL BE EXPELLED FROM THE HEAVENS.

And just as quickly as he thrashes you to and fro like some kind of child’s play thing, he will declare that “He didn’t come to the river for this shit!” before vanishing back into the trees. The Ninjitsu Ballisticus, ladies and gentlemen.

-J. Jones

I’d like to consider myself a psychologist of sorts, the way that George Costanza considers himself an architect. Sure, my degree might have been acquired less at an accredited institute and more in my own imagination, but based on several interviews I’ve either read or watched in the past, I can professionally declare that Tom Lawlor is crazier than a sack of rabid weasels. The crazy ring entrances, the outfits, this isn’t a man trying to leave his stamp on the UFC, these are the early signs of schizophrenia. Trust me, I’ve diagnosed this sort of thing before.

And while I wouldn’t declare Lawlor sane enough to stand trial, let alone fight professionally for a living, I will gladly watch his decent into madness if it means more antics like the stuff he pulled at the UFC 154 open workouts, which will easily go down as the coolest open workout display since ever.

An unabashed fan of the WWE, Tom introduces his trio of sumo as the “Sumo Suave” to Ariel Helwani in the above video before squaring off with both gentlemen after the jump. Diapers were worn. Necks were bitten. Enjoy.

(Welcome to Hell, “UFC Fan.”)

The UFC has finally done it, Potato Nation. They’ve finally crossed the line in the fucking sand.

Over the past year, the petty larcenists and newly-reformed-but-not-really-reformed gang members that constitute the UFC’s marketing department have been facing increasing pressure from their shiny-headed overlord to try and convince us that the UFC’s injury plagued, garbage ass pay-per-views were worth our money. And because a group of ragtag, delinquent video editors can only do so much, they were forced to scramble: recycling decade-old highlights to try and sell us on one fight and using outright tomfoolery to sell us on another. Hell, they even got so desperate that they took the honest approach to advertising.

But their best efforts could not prepare them for the UFC’s first trip to China. “A card so early,” they cried, “No one will want to watch that! Why, boss? WHY?!” They were desperate, knowing they had to go big with this advertising campaign or they would surely lose their jobs and be cast back into the cesspool they once called an existence. So, drawing inspiration from the recently popularity of such “torture porn” movies as Saw, Hostel, and Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo, they put together an ad campaign that no one could dare look away from: a prolonged public execution, as carried out by the UFC’s brightest stars.

Three experts were brought in: The Muscle (Rashad Evans), the Loon (Chael Sonnen), and the Brains (Arianny Celeste), and over the course of three weeks, the subject dubbed “UFC fan” in the header photo (out of respect for his family) was hazed to death.

Sessions 1 through 3 are after the jump. Caution: These videos contain graphic material. 

(For all you high rollers out there, $5.99 gets you one of these signed with lipstick.) 

What in the hell is happening in the world of MMA? First we find out that Ken Shamrock will talk you into a living death for only $11.99 a minute, and now this noise.

Gentlemen, have you ever found yourself watching a Miesha Tate fight and thought, “You know what, that woman is a great fighter, I would love to show her my penis over the internet.” Well today is your lucky day, because a thread on the UG recently brought to light that the former Strikeforce bantamweight women’s champion has apparently launched a “members only” website, where just $4.99 a month (!!!!) gets you access to the following:

-Latest and up to date news
-Latest and up to date appearances and schedule
-Exclusive photos not found anywhere else
-Exclusive videos not found anywhere else
-Access to store for merchandise and memorbilia
-Contests available to fans only
-Be able to submit your picture with Miesha that will be permanently on her website
-Chance to Video Chat with Miesha herself (times and days TBD)
-Book 1 on 1 video chat
-See Marzia stream live from her phone  (coming soon)

Let’s see you top that, Carmen!

(Props to Rodeo and bOredjOrd for the tip.)

Confidence is like nature’s bath salts. Using a combination of trickery, implied reasoning, and outright tomfoolery, confidence basically transports us back to the ignorant serenity of youth. It surpasses logic, the physical limitations of the human body, and the laws of nature to convince its host that anything is achievable through the pure power of will. And just like bath salts, confidence can have devastating effects on the body it occupies. Just ask Melvin Guillard. Or Tom Brady. Or Hitler. I’m not saying that Tom Brady is Hitler reincarnated, I’m just saying.

So rather than take pot shots at the wellspring of confidence you will meet in the video above, I would rather like to commend him for it, as misplaced as it may have been. Because I can assure you that none of us — not one  — has ever been as confident in our ourselves as this man, if even for the briefest second. Nick Diaz may have perfected the “Come at me, bro” pose in the octagon, but the motherfucker was never crazy enough to let one of his opponents tee off on him until he crumbled to the ground in a heap. This gentleman was so confident in his abilities that he knew he could get knocked the fuck out and still beat his opponent. Sure, the second half of his gameplan kind of fell apart, but still, respect. Your move, Anderson.

Before we even get into the awesome that is UFC Tonight’s recent “Fighter Trivia” episode, I just want to put it out there that I will beat any of you in any game show trivia challenge. Any of you. When I was in college, the only channel my RCA 630TS television received was The Game Show Network. Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Family Feud, Double Dare, right down to the early pioneers of Press Your Luck, Match Game, Pyramid, and The Price is Right were at my disposal on a near 24/7 basis. When I wasn’t browned out in an alleyway looking for a jar of marmalade and bus ticket to Santa Fe, you could assume I was getting my trivia knowledge on with Brawlin’ Bob and the gang.

So you can imagine my excitement when I came across this gem of an idea Fuel TV devoted an episode of UFC Tonight to, with Ariel Helwani playing the proverbial Bob Eubanks role. The premise is simple, a group of fighters are subjected to what I assume is five rounds of trivia (there aren’t videos of all 5 rounds to confirm/deny this) covering everything from their knowledge of The Ultimate Fighter to that of pop culture. They are paired up for certain rounds, but mostly are forced to go on their own until one man is declared the winner.

For the inaugural segment, Michael Bisping, Rashad Evans, Dominick Cruz, and Kenny Florian were chosen as participants. Spoiler alert: Cruz doesn’t know sh*t about sh*t, and Bisping knows more about Dora the Explorer than we would have ever imagined.

After the jump: Two snippets from the show in which Florian forgets that Bisping and Evans fought at UFC 78 (along with the rest of the world) and Cruz fails to identify Bruce Springsteen by his nickname. Unforgivable, Dom.

The Ranger Up crew are known for two things: making hilarious/awesome t-shirts and making hilarious/awesome/creepy videos starring either Tim Kennedy or Jorge Rivera. They’ve parodied everything from Monty Python to Katy Perry, but more often than not, their videos amount to little more than a dose of anti-Michael Bisping propganda. We would be quick to declare these videos an undeniable success had they not severely backfired on Bisping’s opponents in each instance, but they were at least moderately entertaining in failure nonetheless.

And today, Kennedy and the gang have decided to shift their focus from that of public humiliation to that of social responsibility. We’re talking about voting, people. It kicks ass. And regardless of your stance on the candidates at hand, the economy, gay rights, abortion, or having binders full of women, you should probably vote, because if you don’t, you could end up like the poor gentlemen above.

(Well, at least he’ll be really funny!) 

It’s no understatement to say that the fight between Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar at the TUF 1 Finale basically saved the sport of MMA from those damned dirty machines. What machines are we referring to? These machines. But as you all know, our ambitiously misguided Skynet overlords have continued forward in their quest to replace man on the top of the food chain nonetheless. Lucky for us, the universe is about give birth to the John Connor that will eventually save the sport of MMA, nay, the world, from the cold, lifeless grip of the cyborgs. And by “universe” we mean Stephan Bonnar’s wife, Andrea, and by John Connor we mean Griffin Bonnar, a name so coincidentally similar slash awesome that only this man could have come up with it.

Yahoo! Sports has the details:

UFC fighter Stephan Bonnar will become a first-time father sometime in October. Bonnar and his wife, Andrea, haven’t decided definitively upon a name for their unborn son, but one name they’ve kicked around is Griffin. As in, Griffin Bonnar.

Read More ADD COMMENTS (15) DIGG THIS

Here at CagePotato HQ, we’ve decided to take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this street fight video. On the scale of Worst…Street Fight…Ever to Redneck Defends Fiance’s Honor, Wins on Points, we’d have to rank it somewhere above the latter, if only for the decisive, not to mention completely unexpected finish it provides. Plus, an onlooker shouts, “Kick his ass, sea bass!” and there’s even a very audible “F*ck him up!” tossed in for good measure, so this video basically appeals to all audiences.

(Step 1: Fake heart attack to lower Anderson’s guard. Step 2: ?????? Step 3: SCORE GREATEST UPSET OF ALL TIME.) 

Admit it: When the new headliner for UFC 153 was first announced, not one of you thought Stephan Bonnar stood a chance of beating Anderson Silva, and you probably still don’t. If you happen to be a bookie, you probably equate the likelihood of Bonnar defeating Silva to that of Bob Sapp defeating adult onset vaginitis.

Well, my friends, prepare to have your minds blown, because Bonnar’s camp just released a video that lays out in intricate detail his plans to dethrone (figuratively speaking) the untouchable legacy of “The Spider” once and for all. We’re not saying it is foolproof, but we are saying that it has no discernible flaws whatsoever and Silva is a dead man.

Video after the jump. 

Via none other than the bossman’s Twitter account, here is the funniest thing you will see all day. I’m going to go as far as to say that it completely negates the fact that we were deprived of a pay-per-view oh so long ago. Then again, it’s Friday, and I’m already drunk. Have a great weekend, Potato Nation!

-J. Jones

(It was on this night that Dana realized: No matter how many f-bombs you can get away with in public, one n-bomb will still get you shot.)

As difficult as it is to be a poster-designer for the UFC these days, it seems that it is even more trying to be a fan of the promotion in general, especially one who actually purchases tickets and pay-per-views (chumps). Main events, co-main events, and entire cards are being switcherooed, discombobulated, kerfluffled, skip-skopped, skallywagged, and outright cancelled seemingly willy-nilly, and the constant change of pace is clearly taking its toll on UFC fans around the world.

Realizing the mounting frustration that has taken over our already acrimonious audience, we’ve tried to coax you away from this harsh, unforgiving world of news and enchant you with fancy knockouts, hot chicks, and pot-shots at Jose Canseco to make it all better. Basically, we’ve rubbed some ‘tussin on your open, festering wounds, but as Sam Peebles will tell you, no amount of Bull’s Eye Red Licorice will make up for the fact that you were raped in the library bushes as a child.

…

I forgot where I was going with that analogy, but here’s a supercut of Dana White’s best f-bombs to help get you through this topsy-turvy day in MMA.

When Anderson Silva called out George St. Pierre a little over a week ago, the MMA blogosphere’s reactions ranged from overwhelming enthusiasm to bitter resentment. Being that this is the Internet, the majority of those who voiced their opinions apparently sided in the latter category, dubbing Silva –whom you may recall is a UFC champion — a “lazy coward,” a “bitch,” and a “pussy” whose “bitchassness” would hopefully lead to GSP “smashing his skull through the canvas.” The main issue seemed to be that Silva was calling out someone below him in weight, which therefore made him a bitch considering that Jon Jones would be totally willing to fight him if he were to move up to 205. In your humble opinions, Silva was basically being an O’Doyle and picking on the smallest kid in gym class, which is totally not cool behavior for a supposed pound-for-pound great.

That being the case, we’d just love to hear what you think of this. Last week, former MMA fighter Kit Cope declared that “MMA dudes are vaginas” compared to kickboxers in the above video, successfully drawing the attention and ire of any MMA fighter or fan dimwitted enough to take anything that Kit Cope says seriously. One of those people was CagePotato aficionado Sean McCorkle, a can crushing super heavyweight who spends more time arguing on the UG than any grown ass man ever should. McCorkle took it upon himself to defend the honor of the hundreds of thousands of tens of fighters who found themselves reeled in by the whimsical musings of Kit fucking Cope and posted a lengthy diatribe on his old stomping grounds while “bored on a Friday night.” As is often the case in Internet warfare (and therefore Sean McCorkle), the rant was little more than a series of personal attacks and gay jokes culminating in a futile challenge that has zero chance of coming to fruition in any country other than Japan.

Here’s just a little taste:

Hey, here’s a fun fact for you. You lost to Tiki Goshen. Let me repeat that. You lost to Tiki Goshen. In a fight. That means that if Tiki Goshen broke into your house, and you did not have a gun or other significant weapon readily available, Tiki Goshen would have little trouble subduing you, and rendering you completely helpless in a short amount of time. Then he would he proceed to take your belongings, and/or harm your family in any way he chooses.

This of course begs one to ask what would happen to McCorkle’s family if Brian Heden were to break into his house. You see, Sean? We can pick the low-hanging fruit too!

(Ten minutes later, Jones was responsible for the first pace car-led pileup in Nascar history.) 

A congratulations is in order for the nominees of last week’s Comment of the Week contest, who really brought the funny when ripping on everything from debilitating diseases to spousal abuse. You sick sons a bitches truly make us proud.

That being said, there can only be one winner, and this week’s was decided by a margin of just 25 votes, so join us after the jump for the big reveal…

(You’ve earned this.) 

After we took a test run with last week’s Comment of the Week survey, we weren’t really sure how you all would react when given even the smallest bit of power. Because let’s be honest, most of you (at least those who comment) come across as a “unique in a Ted Bundy way” kind of crowd. You know, the kind of people that cross names off their hitlists with lipstick and cry themselves to sleep…in a good way.

Thankfully, you managed to pick the comment that we had originally voted for as your winner, and completely validated yourselves in the process. Don’t get used to us patting you on the back, because the only thing that happens less than us writers giving you readers your due credit is you readers giving us writers ours. That being said, this week’s competition looks like it’s going to be fierce, with everything from our “If UFC Fighters Were in the Olympics” post to the downfall of Frank Trigg providing opportunities for several brilliant, if not politically incorrect and relentlessly dark, comments.

Going with the idea that one of you suggested, the comment that won last week will be carried over to see how long it can reign supreme. We are also only going to take one comment from each reader, as to keep this poll from turning into a full blown clusterfuck. On that note, join us after the jump for the best of the best, and vote on which comment you think takes the blood-flavored cake this week.

Props to the UG for the find and MMAInterviews for this video, which asks several of the fighters from UFC on FOX 4, along with several other MMA stars, what Olympic event they would most likely compete in if they weren’t mixed martial artists. The responses ranged from funny (Joe Lauzon’s desire to try and make people give a shit about speed walking) to optimistic (5′ 8” Jamie Varner’s chances as a high-jumper) to spot-on for their personality (Ryan Bader would “throw rocks” and lift weights, go figure).

And speaking of Olympics, are we the only ones who think water polo is receiving far too much coverage this year? We’re sorry, but whatever asshole took a look at soccer and thought “You know what we should do with this sport? Slow it way, way down, limit the players mobility, and blow a whistle every three seconds” should be shot in the face, then dragged to a nearby park to make it look like a suicide. And yes, we know that person is probably dead already. Just go with it.

Anyway, it is with this inspiring little interview that we ask you taters to fill the blanks in for the following sentence:

If ______ were an Olympian instead of an MMA fighter, he/she would ______.

-J. Jones

(Brandon Vera: Willing to take his licks in victory or defeat. Mainly defeat.) 

After collecting the top eight comments from last week and allowing you, the Potato Nation, to determine who was the funniest son of a bitch amongst you, it looks like we have a winner. With an astounding 38.5% of the votes, none other than Mr. Misanthropy’s Brandon “The Aloe” Vera comment ran away with the victory like it had just drank an entire crate of Powerthirst energy drinks. Although Vera’s fighting style was anything but soothing in his fourth round knockout loss to Mauricio Rua this past weekend, it was comments like that one that managed to finally light a fire under Vera’s ass, so an extra congrats is in order for Mr. Misanthropy’s last minute motivation.

Misanthropy (that is how you pronounce it, right?), please e-mail feedback@cagepotato.com with your real name, address, and shirt size, and we’ll get you hooked up ASAP. You can also rest assured that your comment WILL be carried over to next week’s competition as the reigning champion, but it’s looking like it will already be facing some stiff competition. Thanks to everyone who voted, and make sure to get in on the action by voting next week or, God forbid, coming up with something funny of your own!

(Little did we know that this man would be the spark that rekindled a long extinguished flame.) 

A few weeks ago, we brought back the always entertaining caption contest, and even went as far as to claim that we would be bringing back the “Comment of the Week” as well. We might have just been riding the wave of enthusiasm at the time (or the aftereffects of huffing duster), but we almost completely forgot about our aforementioned promise to take you guys fishing, so to speak, and left you sitting on the curb with only your own sadness as a companion.

In either case, after determining what we thought were the funniest captions of said contest, you all responded in the dickish intelligent, kneejerk well thought-out fashion that has become the standard for CagePotato readers. Being that you guys are apparently way more capable of determining what is funny and what isn’t than we are (and probably run your own ultra successful comedic MMA blog when your not jet setting across the country as well) we decided to switch things up for the return of the comment of the week, and have handed over the power to you.

After the jump you will find your list of nominees, with links to each article for context, and a poll to decide on the true winner for the week. The winner for each week will be decided the following Monday and receive whatever shirt we have in stock (this week it’s a “Pull No Punches” Tee), so make sure to get your votes in ASAP, and make any possible arguments you can in the comments section.

And the nominees are…

(If you must ask, Dana, I believe my hype train was headed in that general direction. Then again, it’s been so long since I’ve seen it…) 

If you’re anything like us, you’ve more than likely spent your weekend drinking either Budweiser or Miller High Life cans in front of your television whilst watching various Olympic events and screaming “America!” on loop until your Canadian or Russian neighbors got jealous and called the police, who in turn tried to claim that you are somehow at fault if you like to watch TV in the nude and can’t afford curtains. And indeed, the Olympics have successfully managed to captivate and connect its viewing audience as it always does, uniting entire communities over a common passion. Except, oddly enough, in the case of this year’s host country, wherein failure apparently opens you up to disturbingly hateful critiques from your own countrymen.

Switching gears, it seems that one thing we can all agree on, regardless of our cultural divisions, is the inherent ridiculousness in the possibility that Brandon Vera could somehow receive a title shot if he is able to defeat Mauricio Rua in impressive fashion, or vice versa. We know we’ve been a little hard on him today – it’s not like it was his decision to overhype a fight by implying title implications only to be reamed out by fans for doing so shortly thereafter, that was Dana White — but on the short list of contenders currently in the Light Heavyweight Division, Vera is just a step above Mostapha al-Turk, whom you may recall is a retired heavyweight who was released from the UFC over two years ago. And he’s fighting Shogun f*cking Rua, aka the man who ended The Machida Era. Arguably twice. 

Spoiler: There is no way in hell that Vera is beating Shogun this Saturday, and we’d be willing to wager a bottle of ipecac on it, if you know what we mean. So in honor of what has been a highly competitive Olympic games thus far, and what will surely be a one sided ass whooping at UFC on FOX 4, here are 10 things, ranked in no particular order, we will more than likely see happen at this year’s Olympics than “The Truth” beating “Shogun” on Saturday.

Urijah Faber may have come up short in every sense of the word against Renan Barao last weekend, but fortunately for him, he received some sound advice from undisputed middleweight champion Chael Sonnen in the aftermath of his loss that will undoubtedly alter the course of his career from this day forward. As you recall, Sonnen became the first man in MMA History to defeat Anderson Silva twice at UFC 148, when he straight-up embarrassed the now-retired “pound-for-pound great” by KO’ing him with a second round spinning backfist so spectacular that the WWE had to steal it to make one of their fights more entertaining and less gay and stuff.

(Matt Riddle: So cool that he can make fun of British people while paying tribute to them at the same time.) 

To put it as politely as possible, UFC 149 was a pessimist’s utopia (not to mention an ad-libbers). Cheick Kongo brought the same lackluster gameplan into his fight with Shawn Jordan as he did against guys like Paul Buentello, Matt Mitrione, and Travis Browne, more or less proving that Frank Mir made good on his promise to “change Kongo as a fighter” back at UFC 107. Personally, I was not around to catch the abortion of a “fight” that was Lombard/Boetsch live, but my heart goes out to those of you who were. Lombard’s performance was so outright bizarre that if he were to come out with a Rampage Jackson-esque conspiracy theory about Canadians poisoning his food in the next couple of days, I would be inclined to believe him.

But amidst all of the despair, the dreck, and the gloom, there was one man who simply refused to be held down: Matt f*cking Riddle. Perhaps no one defies the pessimistic nature of many, if not most, MMA fans in the online community more than Riddle, who has shown a willingness to throw a winning gameplan aside for the sake of the fans entertainment on several occasions. Wide-eyed and perpetually grinning throughout nearly all of his fights, Riddle most closely resembles this generation’s Chris Lytle, and his balls to the wall performance against Chris Clements undoubtedly proved that, win or lose, he is main card material.

But greater than his sunny disposition, greater even than the split second securing of that arm-triangle choke in the third round, was the hilarious rant he delivered at the UFC 149 post-fight press conference. When asked why he wanted a piece of Dan Hardy by a reporter, Dana White made a halfhearted joke about the fact that Riddle hated British people, totally unaware of the Spicolian jeremiad that was about to follow.

A video of Riddle’s call out, along with Hardy’s response, awaits you after the jump.