(Turns out the only thing that parties like a jockey is the Colossus Lumberjockey.)

I know that “The Unexpected Cosign” is a Complex Magazine’s shtick, but do I ever have one for you today.

As some of you may know, when English heavyweight James “The Colossus” Thompson isn’t busy smashing freaks and fools, he’s updating his blog, Colossal Concerns. Given his workingman personality and some of the nasty knockouts he’s been on the receiving end of, I half expected it to read “Mummba jummba slave to the white man mummba mummba jummba.” But believe it or not, it’s an incredibly well written, insightful blog. Then again, if you’ve been following him on Twitter, you probably aren’t surprised at all by this.

Last night, he offered fans a detailed analysis of Fedor’s career. It’s a pretty entertaining piece that examines the fine line between Fedor the Legend and Fedor the Can Crusher. Oh, and James Thompson totally drank with “The Last Emperor” this one time.

Take it away, James:

I’ll leave you with a story of mine from when we both fought on Pride shock waves 2006. I had beaten Yoshida on the NYE Pride show and had come back to the hotel early from cerebrating as I was drained and I’d had enough for the night. As I entered the hotel lobby Fedor was standing front and centre swaying from side to side, he straightened up as I came through the doors and looked up towards me. I started moving from foot to foot as if he was still swaying and he burst out laughing at this and beckoned me towards him. As I approached him he lightly grabbed me and we started play fighting in the lobby, it was only messing around however I’d be lying if didn’t say a small part of me was praying he wasn’t a violent drunk and that he wouldn’t snap and sambo throw me on to the cold hard floor of the hotel lobby. If the Truth be told I was actually checking the floor during our ‘play fight to see if there was a softer part of it for me to land on should things have started to go wrong!

(Hello Quinton, Areva Mookjai here with the Thailand Lady-Boy Observer, I was just wondering if…wow, you go right after it, don’t you?)

We almost feel silly reporting on this, being that there is no way in hell this quarrel will actually be settled in the near future, but just in case you haven’t heard, Quinton Jackson and Chael Sonnen are apparently not a fan of one another, you guys. If you recall, during our thrilling interview with Page a couple of months ago, Jackson stated that he thought Sonnen was “a fool” and was tired of people asking him questions about the former middleweight title challenger on Twitter.

This is where we’d normally say something like, “Time has a way of healing all wounds,” but then of course, we wouldn’t be talking about Rampage Jackson, a man who seemingly has a gripe with everyone and everything from American fans to the UFC to driving down the correct side of a freeway. During a brief interview with MMAElite.net, Jackson aired out his dirty laundry in regards to Sonnen, claiming that he should “leave the UFC because that’s what he said he was going to do if he lost.” Also, “F*ck Chael.” While the former remark could be passed off as a simple criticism, the latter not so much:

Join us after the jump for Chael’s response, which is a doozy. 

(What?! Every beast needs to take a cat nap every now and again.) 

For reasons we will never truly understand, a lot of emphasis seems to be placed on the monikers designated to a given fighter. For guys like Randy “The Natural” Couture, the nickname often represents an extension of a their personality, or an underlying philosophy that they bring into the cage. Guys like Renato “Babalu” Sobral, on the other hand, carry perhaps the most authentic nicknames of them all; names that, although holding little to no meaning in terms of the fight game, were bestowed upon the fighter as a child and simply stuck. And then there are guys like Justin “The Nsane1″ McCully, whose nicknames were most likely derived from an ill-fated, drunken AOL Instant Messenger conversation at 3 a.m. with the intent of finding something “fresh” and “intimidating” to bring to the table.

But even lower on the nickname totem pole than the Joe Lauzons and the Kendall Groves of the world are the guys whose nicknames completely clash with the public’s perception of who they truly are, their gameplan once they step into the ring, or simply their abilities as a fighter in general. So it is with that in mind that we present you with a brief rundown of the top ten fighters who are in desperate need of a name change if they want to continue to be taken seriously.

#10 - Sam “Hands of Stone” Stout

Not only does Stout have only one knockout to his credit in his 13-fight UFC career, he only has one finish in his UFC career. Granted, the KO he managed to pull off against Yves Edwards at UFC 131 was a freakin’ brilliant one, but you don’t see Chad Mendes calling himself “The Guillotine Machine” because he was able to pull it off once a couple years ago. Perhaps “Hands of Limestone” would be something a little more appropriate.

(Fedor, seen here seconds before appearing in the most famous MMA sex tape of all time: “Two Scoops, One Emperor”) 

Just a few weeks out from what could be his last fight as a mixed martial artist (Author’s note: I just held back vomit whilst typing that.), Russian demigod Fedor Emelianenko recently popped up in a Mercedes-Benz commercial, if only for a few seconds of ultra slo-mo glory. For some reason, the creative talent in charge of said commercial thought it would be cooler for Fedor to don a tuxedo rather than his Glorious Sweater of Absolute Victory, which is as big a travesty as anything we’ve ever seen in the five years we’ve been in existence. Not since Overeem/Dos Santos has such an opportunity been squandered, so shame on you, Mercedes-Benz. Looks like our company car is going to be a Ferrari next year.

Check out the ad and let us know whether or not you will be boycotting Mercedes-Benz for this glaring oversight along with us.

They had us until they tried to pass off diving as a sport. Like we all don’t know it’s just falling with style. Just ask Jason Statham.

(Oh, come on, Vinny. You know that a belt is worthless once it has been in the bathroom! Photo courtesy of @VinnyMMA) 

Although we feel like we didn’t really get to know Vinny Magalhaes that well during his run on TUF 8 that took him all the way to the show’s finals, watching how he’s responded to his whole M-1 contract debacle has only endeared us to the guy all the more.

If you’re not familiar with the story, we’ll give you the gist: After winning the M-1 Light Heavyweight title back in October of 2011, Magalhaes got fed up with the promotion after they failed to offer him a single title defense under his contract, opting to attempt and resign him under a new one instead. M-1 Global Director of Operations Evgeni Kogan began a “he said/she said” contract dispute with Magalhaes that left the ADCC champion on the shelf for the rest of 2011 and all of 2012 to this point. After finally being told that he has been released from his contract, Vinny decided to put his belt up for sale on Ebay, figuring that it would at least sell for the 20 dollars worth of scrap metal it was composed of.

The bidding officially began on May 13th, and at a steal of just nine cents. It now stands at 14,600 dollars. 

What. The. Shit.

(How ignorant we were.) 

Chances are, if Chael Sonnen is not training for an upcoming fight or doing battle inside the octagon itself, he is sitting down in front of a camera and ranting about whatever is on his mind, be it Anderson Silva or the irresponsibility of Canadian reporters. As far as he’s concerned, these rants are meant to provide his audience with a higher understanding of the world around them, and are in the general public’s better interest. Thankfully, Sonnen was able to fight off the schizophrenia that will inevitably overtake his brain for long enough to jot down a collection of these rants into a “self help” book subtly titled “The Voice of Reason.” To say that it is the greatest collection of words and sentences ever committed to paper would be an understatement, so Sonnen opts to call it “A V.I.P pass to enlightenment” instead.

But just in case you didn’t pick up “The Voice of Reason” at your nearest bookstore (or in today’s society, on your Kindle), Sonnen recently locked himself in a dark and dreary basement to elaborate on everything from John McCain’s attempt to crush MMA before it got its sea legs to the conspiracies behind Area 51 and professional wrestling. Are these three things somehow related? Is Chael Sonnen some rogue government agent who has access to this kind of information? Is the Oregonian truly the UFC middleweight champion of the world, and we just don’t know it yet? To put it simply; no, maybe, and DUH.

Join us after the jump for the videos. 

(Just don’t expect a chance to offer him advice in between rounds.) 

As you surely know by this point, Potato Nation, we are not the biggest fans of Bob Sapp. The man known as “The Beast” manages to somehow set the bar lower each time he steps into the ring, to the point that, if you don’t offer him a way out of the fight, he will simply collapse like he was hit with a stray bullet and roll around on the ground until the referee steps in. In fact, it’s safe to say that when all is said and done, Bob Sapp will probably go down as the worst fighter in the sport’s history (though from a technical standpoint, he is still leagues beyond Robert Burneika). And apparently we aren’t the only ones who share this sentiment.

But let today, May 2nd, 2012, forever be known as the day that Sapp redeemed at least part of his sham of a career, if not all of it. Fed up with all the “keyboard warrior” criticisms he has received in the past…ten years (many of which find their way to his Wikipedia page), Sapp is giving all you haters the chance to nut up or shut up. After Bob takes on Mariusz Pudzianowski at KSW 19 on May 12th, he will square off against UFC veteran Soa Palelei at CFC 21 in Australia just six days later. To help promote the event, Sapp is not only giving one lucky “fan” a chance to corner him for the fight, but he will also give said fan $300, a round trip ticket to Australia, hotel accommodations, and VIP access to the event.

And what do you have to enter this contest, you ask? The answer is simple: Create a video demonstrating your admiration or hatred of Bob Sapp and why you’d like to be in his corner, and post it on your Youtube account. We know, right? This contest is practically designed for you angst-ridden SOB’s.

Check out the video, along with the full contest details, after the jump. 

(Urijah’s lowest moment as an MMA fan? One can only ponder…)

This weekend, the UFC will make its glorious return to the only network that can bash gay rights and advertise Glee within the same half hour. We’re talking about FOX, of course. Featuring Jim Miller vs. Nate Diaz in a probable number one lightweight contender bout, a grudge match between Josh Koscheck and Johny Hendricks (because every fight with Kos is inherently a grudge match), a fight that will more than likely require the use of a stretcher, and a heavyweight sure-to-be-slugfest between Pat Barry and Lavar Johnson, it’s looking like UFC on FOX 3 has the potential to erase the memories of a rather forgettable second event and a rather brief first one. Not that we were complaining, because free fights are free fights.

And to get us hyped for the event, Dana White recently released one of his patented Danavlogs in which he catches Urijah Faber ogling over himself while on the set of TUF 15. It makes TOTAL SENSE if you don’t think about it. We gotta admit though, watching The Baldfather giggle like a school girl at Urijah’s expense makes us long for the days of his shock pen pranks that we came to know and love. [*looks over shoulder nostalgically and sighs*] 

Check out the video after the jump. 

(You wouldn’t know it because of the TRT and all, but three years ago, that Jabbawockee looked like this. ) 

Last Friday, mankind’s ongoing war with common sense and decency united in a copulation of takedowns, face masks, and remorse when Ultimate Ball held its first event at UCMMA 27 in London, England. For some twisted, inexplicable reason, an idea that was best left in the dark recesses of the meth-snorting exercise enthusiast who gave birth to this monstrosity was placed on display for the world to see, immediately leapfrogging “public lynchings” as the most disturbing form of human entertainment ever concocted. Seriously, if XARM, San Do Three-Man Fighting, and ShockFights had sex in the remains of the XFL, the resulting bastard child would be Ultimate Ball. 

Check out the “highlights” from the first, and hopefully last, event after the jump. Just make sure your window is closed if you live higher up than the second floor. 

(Detectid, did u no goin and you tell me do things I dun runnin?) 

Happy Monday, Potato Nation. Whether you spent the weekend letting out some built up anxiety or fighting your way out of retirement, we can all take solace in the fact that most of us probably emerged unscathed from what was a prank filled April Fools Day yesterday. I, for one, was not so lucky. You see, I was unaware that yesterday was in fact April Fools Day. My ex, on the other hand, felt it would be funny to inform me that she was pregnant, and that the child was mine, only to send me a text at 12:01 a.m. stating the opposite. No one will miss her.

Speaking of people that found themselves victim to a good old fashioned AFD ruse, former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans was recently the target of a simple, albeit clever prank last weekend during an autograph signing session. One fan, who must not be able to purchase underwear due to the size of his massive balls, decided to ask Evans to autograph the above photo depicting his brutal knockout loss to Lyoto Machida at UFC 98. Considering Rashad’s well documented sense of humor, you’d think he could have a good laugh at his own expense.

You would be wrong.

(Step 1: MIRRORS.) 

Ladies and gentlemen (actually, just gentlemen), today is your lucky day, because you are about to learn how easy it is to become a UFC fighter. None other than TUF 8 runner up and rubber armed badass Vinny Magalhaes came across this instructional video last night and tweeted it for the world to see.

Simply put, if you have any aspirations of becoming an MMA UFC fighter, it would be idiotic not to watch this video, for it provides more insight into the world of mixed martial arts in a minute and a half than years of training and dedication could ever accomplish. Where Red Bull and The Secret failed, this video will succeed.

Join us after the jump to get your knowledge on.

(Thankfully, Silva’s wife was too busy making steak sandwiches for a certain someone, and could not be in attendance.) 

HOW CAN CHAEL SONNEN HATE THIS COUNTRY?!

If I knew that this was how fighters undergoing injury rehabilitation were treated in Brazil, I would have thrown myself in front of that horse truck that ran over Antonio Rodrigo Nogueria years ago. We have no clue what the name of this show is (Melhor do Brasil maybe?), but we feel that depriving you of that piece of information won’t really irk you when you take a look at the drop dead gorgeous women that the current UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva got to judge as part of a body painting contest.

Join us after the jump for the video. You’ll be glad you did.

(Hey, if it can happen to Joe Lauzon, it can happen to anyone, right?) 

Featuring special appearances by Arianny Celeste and Bruce Buffer, the most recent “Web Redemption” on Tuesday’s episode of Tosh.0 was probably the most star studded redemption to date. That’s not saying much for a show whose “celebrity” guest list has included the Cobra Kai Sensei, Carrot Top, and whoever David Archuleta is, but still, you get what we’re saying.

Starring Brandon “Bitch Boy” Han a.k.a the wuss who got choked out by a girl, and Courtnie Korpela a.k.a the woman who will haunt his dreams forever, this web rematch carried the fate of the male sex on its shoulders. With Ronda Rousey already making bold claims that she could beat up most of the male fighters in her weight division, we needed to suppress this notion of “equality in the cage” once and for all.

Join us after the jump to see how the rematch played out.

(Just another day researching hard-hitting stories here at the CP offices.) 

Arianny Celeste is officially a triple threat. Not only can she strike a pose with the best of them, but she can sing the roof off the rafters. And now….this.

Cast as “Japanese schoolgirl” in the latest video by electro pop band Manufactured Superstars, Ms. Celeste turns in a performance that will surely go down as the single greatest piece of acting in a four minute party sequence of all time. Simply put, it brought tears to my penis eyes. As for the music itself, well, it roughly reminds me of something I’d come upon if I happened to be playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, so make what you want of that, and join us after the jump for the video.

Also after the jump: everyone’s favorite HR disaster, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson slaps a willing fan, and Brendan Schuab goes ghost hunting. 

(It was at that moment Ryan Hall knew he would have to defend the integrity of both his hoagie and the Denny’s establishment he had chosen to accomodate.) 

William Shakespeare once said, “Justice oft comes on swift legs, and if thou happen to bear witness, make surest thou placeth thine proof on thine Internet for all to see.” Luckily, we managed to stumble across this video of BJJ savant and 2009 ADCC Bronze medalist Ryan Hall choking out a drunken, self proclaimed “psychopath” at a restaurant, and in William’s honor, have placed it below for you all to see.

Join us as we dissect a classic case of “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong.” 

Dana, the ball is officially in your court.

After weeks of pleading, Twitter bombing, and viral videoing, all of which yielded no results, it appears that former UFC Heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia has run out of options. We’re not even going to question whether you were ready for this; we know you’re not. His back against the proverbial wall, Sylvia decided that the only way to prove that he was truly ready for another UFC run was to release the above video, in which he unleashes the collective power of Maine-iacs worldwide in just over two minutes. I simply cannot come up with the words to describe it, so instead will rely on those of MRuss, who, after witnessing those two minutes of pure, unadulterated athleticism, set to a haunting Evanescence melody, said the following:

My wife lifts more weight than Tim. He does girl push-ups for Christ’s sake. 

Like we said. Your move, Dana.

-J. Jones

(Then again, when you’re married to this chick, every day is kind of a celebration.) 

Residents of Albuquerque, rejoice! It seems Albuquerque Mayor Richard Berry has officially declared this day to be “Carlos Condit Day” in honor of the newly crowned interim Welterweight Champion. Condit was presented a special ceremony at Greg Jackson’s MMA Gym this afternoon, which consisted of re-watching the Condit/Diaz fight on a 4 hour loop and playing a real life version of Wooly Willy using Greg Jackson and some pencil shavings. A great day indeed.

Since we don’t really need an excuse to celebrate (re: drink) around here, we’d like to spread word of this holiday until we are eventually allowed to use it as an excuse for missing work. You know, like we’re trying to do with Steak and Blowjob Day, Festivus, and Leif Erikson Day. Anyway, join us after the jump for a look back at some of “The Natural Born Killer’s” greatest moments, brought to you in the ever convenient forms of GIF and video. We won’t be able to celebrate this day again until 2016, so get you party hats on.

(What do you mean marrow is not a flavor?!!) 

We have all heard the legend of Rousimar Palhares. Born in a radioactive swamp deep in the Brazilian jungle, “Toquinho” was raised in captivity, locked in a dark, damp cellar that only received 15 minutes of sunlight a day. It was a cruel, traumatizing upbringing, but the townspeople agreed that it was the only way to maintain the utopia they had built. Living off bread crumbs and rage for the first 20 years of his life, Palhares vowed to seek revenge on those who had enslaved him. Unfortunately for the world, he could only see the ankles of his overlords through a crack beneath the bolted steel door that held him, so his curse did not have the luxury of extending to only those who entered Camp Crystal Lake, or she who read from the Necronomicon. If you were born with a pair of ankles, then Palhares is coming for you.

Thankfully, “Toquinho” celebrated his 32nd birthday last Sunday, so the appendages of mankind have been granted a reprieve for a couple more days. Why, you ask? Well as it turns out, this past Sunday went down as a particularly special birthday for the middleweight mangling machine, as it was the first one in which he was given a cake. Unfortunately, his friends and family decided to throw a surprise party for this glorious celebration. There were no survivors.

Check out Rousimar’s reaction to the surprise after the jump.

We gotta say, we are really digging these rogue movie parody advertisements for UFC events that have been popping up lately. First we were trated to G.I. Joe’s discussing all things horse related, then Nick Diaz scared us into locking our doors. Now it seems that perennial funnyman Will Ferrell has gotten into the mix of things, or at least his Anchorman character, Ron Burgundy, has.

Along with the classic Anchorman scene, the video combines clips from Buffer’s introductions with a recent appearance by Ferrell at a New Orleans Hornets/Chicago Bulls game in which he introduced the starting lineup. As with many Will Ferrell movies, the clip starts off strong before kinda pitter-pattering its way to the end. Enjoy, or don’t. It’s Friday, so wacky clips are kind of our thing today.

Join us after the jump for another mashup that will make you go into full montage mode.

(If you think about it, a giraffe is nothing more than a horse with a really, really long neck. Watch your back Olivier.) 

No, this is not one of MRuss’ award winning photoshops, although we imagine everyone in the UFC’s heavyweight division wishes it was. It turns out that this beanstalkian figure is Olivier Richter, otherwise known as the tallest man in Holland. He stands at 7’2, or three inches taller than Stefan “Skyscraper” Struve, and according to Alistair Overeem, has already begun to train kickboxing and weight lifting with the hopes of one day making it into the UFC.

Hey, at least he checked on him afterward.

Today’s video comes to us courtesy, as always, of The Opie & Anthony Show, the hosts of which apparently have some sort of sick fetish involving stand up comics being mangled and choked within an inch of their lives. Can’t they just watch good old fashioned porn like the rest of us?

Here at CP, we have covered damn near every type of knockout that has occurred in the MMA world, and in fact, we pride ourselves on our devotion to the topic. And although we’ve seen both the double KO and the even more rare no contest due to both fighters falling out of the cage, little did we know that over the weekend, these two would meet at a shady hotel, do the nasty, forget to wear protection, and give birth to the above knockout.

The event was Hardrock MMA 43, which went down on Saturday night. The place was Sheperdsville, Kentucky. In the co-main event of the evening, lightweight fighters Brandon Bishop and Braedon Ward squared off in what started as a relatively even match that saw both men struggle for superior position in the clinch. After Ward managed to toss Bishop to the mat but was unable to complete the takedown, he bull rushed ahead with a double leg, eventually slamming into to cage door, which burst open and sent both fighters crashing to the ground.

As team members rushed to their aid, it quickly became apparent that both parties had been knocked unconscious in the fall, and the bout was subsequently ruled a no contest. Fortunately, both men were able to walk away on their own power after a few minutes. According to Gary Thomas of ProMMAnow.com, who was in attendance for the entire event, a hinge in the cage had been damaged in an earlier fight, but was believed to have been fixed. However, when both fighters hit the door, the pin was knocked loose, causing one of the more bizarre fight endings we have seen in quite some time.

And as it turns out, this was not the only bit of controversy that went down at Hardrock MMA 43. Join us after the jump for an illegal KO from the same event that is as brutal as it is hilarious.

(Our boy Chucky shows up around the 1 minute mark.)

Between you, me, and the wall, I had a doozy of a dream last night, Potato Nation. Get this: a corn fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo’s, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck.

You think that’s crazy? Well it pales in comparison to the Super Bowl ad Kia managed to dream up, which features supermodel Adriana Lima, former UFC Light Heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell, Motley Crue performing “Kickstart My Heart,” a legion of bikini-clad women, a magical dwarf (so close!!), and a cowboy riding a giant rhinoceros. Check out the video above, even if it isn’t related to MMA whatsoever. Did we mention it has Adriana Lima in a skimpy outfit? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

-J. Jones

(We’re not the only ones who see a woman in a bear suit in the background, right?)

It’s a new week, Potato Nation, and with it brings change. I, for one, will be shedding the DangadaDang “nom de plume” if you will, in favor of my actual name from now on. Will the writing be any gooder? Perhaps, but for every change, something must stay the same, as they say. And in the ever changing landscape that is the current MMA scene, it’s comforting to know that we can count on the stability of at least one thing: Fedor Emelianenko‘s desire to toss around Asian men he outweighs by a good 70 pounds. You get caught with your hand in the (fortune) cookie jar once, it’s forgivable. You get caught twice, and you’re moving into full blown fetish territory, Mr. Emelianenko.

Yes, the former PRIDE heavyweight champion recently appeared on the South Korean TV show, “Star King,” to reenact the end of the Tim Boetsch/David Heath scrap with the help of fast rising featherweight contender Chan Sung Jung. Aside from being a reminder of how much better Asian television shows are than ours (oh MXC, where hast thou gone?), the sparring session is at the minimum a silver lining in the storm cloud of disappointment that was the second UFC on Fox broadcast. Like we said, it’s a new day, and let’s just shed the memory of last weekend’s main card with a good old fashioned freak show exhibition to start the work week, shall we?

Join us after the jump for the glorious video, but for the love of God, turn off your speakers before you do so. If you’ve ever ordered take out from P.F. Chang’s, then you are familiar with the chaos that awaits you.

You’ve probably heard by now that Kim Jong-il is dead. No, he was not killed by the hands of Hans Blixs and no, the above video is not a collection of clips from the 2002 fake karate film Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. The sad reality is that what you are watching is simply what the former North Korean dictator’s bodyguards went through on a daily basis. Unreleased until a few hours ago (shocking), the footage is…uh…impressive to say the least, but not without that extra bit of crazy thrown in to let you know this is a KJi joint.

According to the narrator, il’s bodyguards are forced to “hit something” from the moment they wake up, whether that be a giant, cement block attached to another guard’s face, or a two-by-four placed on another’s neck. The rest of their day, however, is not that different from what many of us do to make a living here in America:

You know, with all the…let’s call it bravado, that seems to come hand in hand with a fighter’s success and/or popularity these days, it is nice to see that a veteran like Kenny Florian has managed to remain so humble despite it. In the above video, we get a first hand glimpse at the newly minted lightweight’s Fedor-like courteousness to the up and coming fighters that he not only trains with, but now shacks up with thanks to TriStar Gym’s new dormitory set up. Aside from letting these newbees train, cook, and clean for him, KenFlo even allows them to watch him eat when he is feeling so generous. What a class act.

How appropriate is it that a man nicknamed “The Predator” would referee a match-up of giant, pedophillic mustaches?

Anyone who has kids can tell you that it seems no sooner are you finished shelling out a wad of cash on one-and-done Halloween costumes then you’re being bombarded with Christmas wish lists from those little money pits, chock-full of useless and annoying toys that you can neither afford nor should ever consider giving to a child if you are the least bit sane. And before we can even sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal that eventually erupts into a heated argument over why they let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars, former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is here to remind us all that the gifts we do receive will likely be worse than even our pathetic standards could have predicted.

(Free shirt goes to whoever can pick out Dan Hardy.) 

This past weekend, the 21st annual K-9 Trials went down. What are the K-9 Trials you ask? Well, they are like the Westminster Dog Show, only points are awarded on each dog’s ability to tear you limb from limb. This year, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Dan Hardy, and Frank Mir got in on the action, because when presented the opportunity to be mauled by a dog, who wouldn’t jump?

Forrest Griffin head-butts football helmets for fun.

(Props MMA on Tap)

Randy Couture may be doing “The Sopranos: Biker Gang” very soon.

Bonus: For a Randy vs. Kurt Angle update, go here.

Sean Hannity weighs in on the controversial subject of kids in MMA. In a nutshell, he’s a giant-sized bag of douche.

(Props BloodyElbow)

And since our posted video of Marcus Aurelio’s armbarring of Ryan Roberts has already been pulled by the UFC, here it is again — until this one is pulled by Dana White, of course.

But let’s be honest. The most important video is after the jump…