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Tag: Funny Shit

A Brief History of the Insane Sh*t Nick Diaz Has Said in Interviews [w/Reaction Gifs]

It’s a testament to Nick Diaz the fighter that Nick Diaz the person can continue to make headlines with his ridiculous statements despite retiring from the sport almost a year ago. Or maybe it’s a testament to the nadir of journalism present in today’s MMA landscape, but in any case, Stockton’s finest is once again attempting to use his retirement as a bargaining chip, telling Fox Sports in a recent interview that he would consider returning to MMA, but only for an immediate title shot:

I don’t care, I’m talking about a title fight matchup. Bottom line, I’m the only draw here. Bottom line. We had like the third biggest [pay-per-view]. That wasn’t just because of Georges St-Pierre. And these guys aren’t doing that. People want to pay to see me fight, they want to see someone get knocked out or someone get tapped out, or they want to see me get my ass whooped like they’ve been waiting to see but they still don’t get to see.

I’ve been fighting for 11 years. I already did all those [contender] fights. I don’t have to take a warmup fight. Why would I take a warmup fight? To help somebody out? To bring them to my level? I’ve already been through all that and you still didn’t see me take an ass whipping.

While Dana White has publicly squashed this notion already, MMA fans and pundits alike have already taken to hyping the “inevitable” return of Diaz to the UFC. Because like the man himself said, he is a draw. That doesn’t change the fact, however, that Diaz’s understanding of how one achieves a title shot is absolute nonsense.

Come to think of it, the statement above is just the latest in what has been a career filled with borderline insane ramblings on Diaz’s part. Join us after the jump to see what we mean…

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Don’t Worry, You Guys, Steven Seagal Says That The Sochi Olympics Will Be Fine [VIDEO]

I think something in my brain broke, you guys.

You see, where I’d typically be filled with blood-boiling rage and simultaneous “Holier than thou” frustration with all the things wrong in the world while watching something like the above video of Steven Seagal pretending to be a security expert on the Sochi Olympics (previously: inventor of the front kickschool shooting task force specialistactormusician, etc.) I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I hated every word that Seagal said, and I really, truly wanted to hate him for saying them, but I’m just too…bewildered, I guess. Apathetic even. Seagal’s self-servicing arrogance has reached a level so unbelievably high that it almost transcends him as an individual. The portrait he has painted of himself and his standing in our society as a source of wisdom is so out of touch with reality that it borders on an Always Sunny episode. How can you make a joke about a joke, you know? You’re not going to “reach” Seagal, because if you looked behind his firing range goggles you’d probably see something like this. He’s just a vessel, a skin suit in which the entity of madness has been contained for the good of the many, until he dies and passes it on to the next generation.

You can’t get mad at Steven Seagal. It would be like screaming at a rain cloud.

The real question is: Which of these facts is makes you the saddest?
a) STEVEN SEAGAL has a better relationship with Vladimir Putin than our President
b) STEVEN SEAGAL is asked to give foreign policy advice to the President in the above video (and does), or
c) There are people out there who might actually find comfort in the words of STEVEN SEAGAL, the same guy who once threatened to “cut off the head and piss down the throat” of that chicken-shit pussy asshole Richie?

THIS GUY’S NOTHING WITHOUT THAT BADGE AND GUN.

-J. Jones

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Here’s Don Frye Drinking Whiskey and Making UFC 168 Predictions, Because Holidays [VIDEO]

On the off chance you didn’t get everything you wanted for Christmas this year, here’s a video of everything you could ever want for Christmas any year: Don Frye, Don Frye’s mustache, whiskey, a hot chick, and UFC 168 predictions. My chest hair grew three sizes just watching this video.

I can think of no greater gift to bestow upon you Taters this year, so merry (belated) Christmas, you sons a bitches.

-J. Jones

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Knockout of the Year Candidate: A Man Known Simply as “Tick” Uncorks a Rolling Falcon Punch in an Ammy Fight


(Props: MiddleEasy)

To the untrained eye, it might appear as if the Team Quest Thailand amateur MMA fighter above (known simply as “Tick”) pulled this one-punch knockout from the deepest, darkest realms of his asshole. But as Sensei Rogan would tell you, fighting is equal parts technique and deception, and being that Tick started his fight against David Van with a picture perfect spinning back kick to de liver, we know he’s got the former in spades. So to claim that the “Rolling Falcon Punch” he finishes Van with at the :37 mark was anything less than Machida-esque in its timing and grace would not only be wrong, it would also be incorrect, inaccurate, fallacious and plain ig’nant.

Lucky punch, you say? Please, luck is for people who didn’t play Super Smash Bros as a child and immediately start applying those techniques to real life. It is a well known fact that Jon Jones learned most of that crazy spinning shit he throws by mimicking Youtube videos — this is simply the next evolutionary step of that mentality. Tune in to Tick’s next fight, where he will attempt to inhale his opponent, drain his powers and crush him by turning into a boulder in mid-air.

Here’s a cool screenshot I grabbed from the video. Captions, please.


“Derp!”

-J. Jones

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Hilarious Boxing Update: Dude Tells his Opponent to Come at Him, Is Immediately KTFO.


(If you’re coming on…shit, where’d I put my glasses? Props to Deadspin for the find.)

For those of you who still don’t think that taunting only looks cool if the person who wins the fight does it, please direct your attention to Exhibit Z: This clip from a boxing match between Miguel Zuniga and Daquan Arnett on Saturday night.

During the fifth round of the bout, Zuniga began to finally crack Arnett’s counterpunch-heavy style, backing Arnett up against the ropes as he unleashed his hardest punches. Sensing his opponent was in trouble, Zuniga was all about trading haymakers, while Arnett was more interested in silly things like defense, counter left hooks and not getting his ass kicked. Clearly frustrated, Zuniga decided that his best option in this situation was to channel his inner Harold Howard, signaling for his opponent to “COME ON!” while he let Arnett off the ropes.

I’m not here to fault Zuniga for attempting a mid-fight Harold Howard tribute. Hell, I don’t think anyone reading this is here to do that. But…if you’re telling your opponent to “come on,” can you at least do it in a stereotypically Canadian accent? And for crying out loud, please don’t immediately get knocked the fuck out, either. Especially if you attempt zero cartwheel kicks in the process.

@SethFalvo

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This Bigfoot Silva/Taylor Swift Mashup is the Greatest Thing You Will Ever Witness Today [VIDEO]

It’s pretty much known by anyone who possesses a working set of ears that Taylor Swift has the vocal range of a walrus being strangled to death by a vibrating belt machine (as opposed to say, Warbringer, who are basically the Three Tenors of our generation). Still, that fact hasn’t stopped her from snatching up damn near every Billboard, CMT, MTV, BET, or Grammy award out there, because musical talent is something that is apparently determined by how many lovestruck 12 year-old girls buy your relationship-prostituting albums nowadays.

In any case, Ms. Swift and her voice have become quite the subject of parody on the Twitters and Youtubes lately, with her hit song “I Knew You Were Trouble” taking the brunt of it. While her duet with a screaming goat might be the most notorious of these parodies, Youtube user FreeFights4You has offered an alternative, MMA-themed take on the song that will surely ascend to the top of the Taylor Swift-based parodies for at least a week.

Featuring none other than UFC 160′s Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva on guest vocals, this parody might just be the greatest thing you will ever witness today. I mean, it’s no “baby monkey riding on a pig,” but what will ever top that slice of fried gold, honestly?

Now if only the UFC would quit being so stubborn and start accepting fan-made promos like “Nick Diaz: Crazy, Shirtless Mofo” and “Knowing About Horse Meat is Half the Battle,” we guaran-damn-tee that they would see their pay-per-view sales increased tenfold. TENFOLD WE TELLS YOU.

-J. Jones

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Tim Sylvia is Still Chasing That UFC Dream, Wants Either Frank Mir or Pat Barry for His Never-Gonna-Happen Return


(Sure, “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Champion” is a respectable title in its own right, but it just doesn’t carry as much weight at the Playboy Mansion, you know?) 

If there’s one thing you can say about former UFC heavyweight champion and Depends spokesperson Tim Sylvia, it’s that the SOB is persistent. Although his once successful MMA career has become little more than a series of punctuated jokes nowadays — most of which revolve around his fat, fatty, “Fatty Boom-Boom” fatness – “The Maine-iac” will simply not be denied his rightful place back in the UFC’s heavyweight division no matter how many times Dana White pisses in his cornflakes.

But the main issue preventing Sylvia’s UFC aspirations from coming to fruition is one that he doesn’t seem to realize: relevant wins. In the past few years, Sylvia has crushed a few cans (and a professional bodybuilder) in unimpressive fashion, been decapitated in 9 seconds by an aging boxer, dropped a decision to Satoshi Ishii, and been spared a loss on a loosely-defined technicality in his completely unnecessary fourth fight with Andrei Arlovski at OneFC 5. Yet despite all this, Sylvia is still holding onto the hopes that he will end his mixed martial arts career “where it started,” which for all intents and purposes is the UFC. He spoke with MMAWeekly:

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future of the UFC heavyweight division. Ideally I would like to finish out my career where it started and that is in the UFC. There’s great fights out there for me and I’d like to put on a great show for the fans on the biggest stage there is, and that’s obviously the UFC.

And who would Boom-Boom like to face in his glorious return, you ask? For starters, Frank Mir, who infamously snatched Sylvia’s title (and his arm) at UFC 48: Payback, otherwise known as the event wherein Ken Shamrock scored his last relevant win…over Kimo. But the second name on Sylvia’s hit list (just beating out Jared from the Subway commercials because “I ate a thousand of those subs and didn’t lose a fucking pound.”), might surprise you:

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Suicidal Call Out of the Day/Possibly Year: Cody McKenzie Wants in on Josh Thomson’s Highlight Reel


(Must…resist…shit…getting…too…real…)

As a big fan of TUF 12′s Cody McKenzie, I’ve come to realize that it’s hard to fault the guy for his nonsensical and often self-destructive decisions, especially when it comes to choosing his opponents. The man reaches for the stars, dammit, and will simply not be told that he doesn’t have the right to call out Frankie Edgar, or Jose Aldo, or Chad Mendes, despite the fact that just managed to bring his win-loss ratio in the UFC to the .500 mark.

No, “The AK Kid” wasn’t one to overthink, or even realize the fact that he had dropped 3 out of his last 4 fights heading into his do-or-die bout with Leonard Garcia at UFC 159, which is why it makes total sense that he, now a featherweight, is calling out top lightweight contender Josh Thomson, like he didn’t just save his UFC career by beating a guy on a four-fight losing streak. How can you not love this kid?

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Oh, the Irony: June White is Back With Her Most Hilariously Misguided Venture Yet


(A dead-eyed lunatic who will not stop until she has destroyed her own kin? Where have we seen this sort of thing before?) 

Aren’t the elderly adorable, you guys? With their slow driving and their old-timey racism and their inability to adjust to current technological changes, they are all but walking punchlines just waiting to be set up! Take June White, for instance, who you might remember as the vitriolic, money-grubbing mother of UFC President Dana White. You see, old June wrote a tell-all book about her son a while back in which she claimed he was a soulless devil reincarnate, and has rightfully been raked over the coals for being the deplorable, transparent piece of garbage that she truly is in the time since. Typically, these attacks could be found in the form of comments like the one I just made on her Twitter account or her book’s Amazon page.

While most of us — like our buddies at Fightlinker, for instance — would write off the public’s harsh yet appropriate treatment of June as simple poetic justice, June herself has apparently viewed the backlash as an opportunity to self-implode with irony. Believe it or not, The Baldmother is now attempting to sue anonymous internet commenters with names like Bootyduty3 (If only I was joking) for “defamation, libel and civil conspiracy.” Sea Coast Online has the scoop:

June White, a Hampton resident and the mother of Ultimate Fighting Championship President Dana White, has filed a lawsuit to find out who has been smearing her name on the Internet ever since the release of a highly critical unauthorized biography she wrote about her son.

White claims a troop of cyberbullies — with aliases such as Bootyduty3, Joe Stranger and The Real June White — have been posting “horrific” comments about her and her family for more than a year. She said she fears her son’s company is behind the attacks. “I hate to say it but it could be (UFC that’s organizing the bad-mouthing), and that’s one of the reasons I really want to find out,” White said Wednesday. “If it is, that’s pretty sad.”

That’s Pretty Sad…June, I think someone just came up with the title of their soon-to-be-released autobiography!

More from this story, along with our running commentary, is after the jump.

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[VIDEO] Pat Barry Completely Loses His Sh*t Celebrating Rose Namajunas’ Win at Invicta FC 5

It’s a pretty well known fact that UFC heavyweight Pat Barry is a pretty eccentric guy. The same can be said for his girlfriend, Invicta FC strawweight Rose “Thug” Namajunas — in fact, it’s probably what drew them to each other in the first place.

Anyway, Rose recently scored her second professional win via 12-second flying armbar at last weekend’s Invicta FC 5, as you well know. While we were thrilled for her for obvious reasons, our excitement paled in comparison to that of “HD,” who proceeded to jump up from his ringside seat and leap onto the cage like he had just finished stomping a mudhole in Christian Morecraft following Rose’s big win. Thank God there were no small children in his way, or we may very well have witnessed a massacre worse than Cyborg vs. Muxlow that night.

Barry’s (literally) over-the-top celebration should come as no surprise to those of us who have seen him corner Namajunas before, but damn, I just really want what those two have. Not love, I’m talking about brutal knockout power and the ability to pull off flying armbars. I can force someone to love me with those two things.

After the jump: A video of Namajunas’ brilliant submission from Invicta FC 5, because big whoop wanna fightaboutit?

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