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Tag: hot dogs

Worst Christmas Ever: The 15 Most Depressing UFC Items Currently Available at UFCStore.com


(This is a Tank Abbott professional wrestling action figure produced and sold by the WWE. Spoiler alert: It is easily a much better Christmas present for the MMA fans in your life than ANYTHING on this list.)

By Seth Falvo

From ugly t-shirts to video games with comically deformed characters, MMA fans don’t exactly have a ton of half-decent options for Christmas presents. So it should probably go without saying that if you see that one of your presents is from UFCStore.com tomorrow morning, you should just throw the damn thing in the trash without opening it. Trust me, whatever is inside of that box is a Christmas tragedy the likes of which would make Agatha Christie blush.

The UFC’s official shop is not only littered with exactly the ugly, trashy, tasteless merchandise that you’d expect to see the Eddie Justbleeds of the world own, but also some incredibly confusing, useless products that suggest that maybe the UFC isn’t fully comfortable catering to said Justbleeds. I mean, for a company whose fan base is constantly measuring its collective dick, you’d think they’d be selling things like a UFC Belt Sander instead of a hyper-masculine UFC Shoe Bag.

So it’s in that spirit that I’ll be ranking the fifteen most depressing UFC items that you can currently buy — or, likely, receive as a Christmas present tomorrow — from UFCStore.com. Two rules: Number one, only UFC and UFC Gym brand items are eligible for inclusion, because as much as I’d love to include this eyesore, I’m not nearly enough of a masochist to rank every last item that awful place has up for grabs. And number two: It isn’t enough for an item to simply be extremely ugly, pointless, overpriced, dated or just plain stupid. No, for an item to make this list, it has to be that magical brand of awfulness that actually makes you feel sad and empty upon seeing that people are being asked to pay money in order to own it. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin our trip to the Island of Misfit UFC Merchandise…

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Actual Thing: The Official UFC Hot Dog Brander


(For just $14.95, you can be the biggest douchebag at the barbecue. / Props: The UFC store via Jonathan Snowden)

Well that’s just the most worthless piece of junk I’ve ever seen. And yes, you need to read the product description:

Celebrate your fandom by turning your BBQ into a real UFC fiesta with this hotdog brander! It’ll definitely be a real party the moment you lay some UFC graphics* on your favorite BBQ foods of all time! Everyone already knows you’re on fire this season**, but when they see you searing your UFC love into your hotdogs*** they’ll know better than to mess with your boys in the octagon****!

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Tito Ortiz applies for office job

It was recently reported that the seventh season of NBC’s The Apprentice will be a “Celebrity Edition,” with the confirmed “celebrities” including Stephen Baldwin, Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore, CNBC’s Jim Cramer, and none other than THE HUNTINGTON BEACH *BAD* BOY, TITOOOOO ORTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZ!!!!!(??)!!

Seriously, click here, sit through a 15-second Pantene commercial, and behold as Tito is caught by TMZ.com‘s cameras slinging hot dogs as part of an Apprentice challenge alongside Baldwin, Gene Simmons, Lennox Lewis, and a guy that looks a lot like Mystery from VH1′s The Pick-Up Artist, but who I’m told is probably country music star Trace Adkins. (Tito’s the one with the “Bad Boy For Life” t-shirt and enormous head.)

tito's huge head

Sure, this may open the HBBB up to all kinds of ridicule by MMA fans, but it could be a great way for Ortiz to transition into the multiple income streams provided by reality TV stardom, employment in the Trump Organization, or hot dog selling. After all, the dude’s gotta retire from fighting someday — what’s he going to do, mooch off his best-selling author girlfriend forever?

shrek ortiz

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