We’re less than one month away from UFC 158, where welterweight kingpin Georges St-Pierre will take on Nick Diaz in a fight we’ve been waiting almost eighteen months to see. At this point, it’s too late for a petty disagreement to cancel this fight. Nothing short of an act of God is going to stop this fight from finally happening, which is obviously great news when Nick Diaz is involved, because once again, Diaz has apparently been no-showing his media obligations.

At least that’s what Dana White had to say during the post-event press conference for yesterday’s UFC on FUEL TV 7. According to him, everyone’s favorite welterweight from the 209 hasn’t been showing up for Countdown tapings. This also explains why Nick Diaz vs. GSP didn’t get its own UFC Primetime episodes even though the much less interesting bout between Rousey vs. Carmouche did; Primetime requires much more effort from the fighters being profiled to film. As Dana White said yesterday (transcribed by MMAWeekly):

“Nick Diaz would be an interesting Countdown show, too,” White shot back
sarcastically, “if we could get him to show up for those.

(And another thing that bugs me about the guy is his insistence on using curse words so often. It’s like, for fuck’s sake Bob, our fucking children are watching this shit.) 

When it comes to picking sides in a fight between Dana White and Bob Arum, it often feels like we’re simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Don’t get us wrong, aside from his stance on marijuana in combat sports, Bob Arum comes off as a chode for the most part, especially when he decides to open his mouth about how MMA fans are all a bunch of homosexual skinhead racists. But every now and again, The Baldfather says something so pants-shittingly stupid and drenched in irony that it makes us wonder whether or not he has been completely blinded by his own power. Take the following for example, in which DW calls Arum “the dumbest promoter in the history of the world” for allowing Manny Pacquiao to fight Juan Manuel Marquez a fourth time:

Dumbest fight in history. Bob Arum is a moron. You don’t take that fight, you idiot. Why would you do that fight? It’s all about the money, that’s why. That was a money fight, that’s what that fight was done for. He should have fought Bradley. Bradley’s the fight they should have done. He would have knocked Bradley out, he would have got his belt back and now he’s back in the position he should have been in. [Pacquiao's] one of the best fighters in the world. He goes out and fights Marquez again? Bob Arum is the dumbest promoter in the history of the world.

Right…but Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen and Georges St. Pierre vs. Nick Diaz are somehow not “money fights.” In case you’re wondering, this is where I’d normally insert a Scanners headsplosion gif, but I’m too busy trying to nurse the puppy I just kicked after reading this quote back to life.

(Props to Rodeo and bOredjOrd for the tip.)

Confidence is like nature’s bath salts. Using a combination of trickery, implied reasoning, and outright tomfoolery, confidence basically transports us back to the ignorant serenity of youth. It surpasses logic, the physical limitations of the human body, and the laws of nature to convince its host that anything is achievable through the pure power of will. And just like bath salts, confidence can have devastating effects on the body it occupies. Just ask Melvin Guillard. Or Tom Brady. Or Hitler. I’m not saying that Tom Brady is Hitler reincarnated, I’m just saying.

So rather than take pot shots at the wellspring of confidence you will meet in the video above, I would rather like to commend him for it, as misplaced as it may have been. Because I can assure you that none of us — not one  — has ever been as confident in our ourselves as this man, if even for the briefest second. Nick Diaz may have perfected the “Come at me, bro” pose in the octagon, but the motherfucker was never crazy enough to let one of his opponents tee off on him until he crumbled to the ground in a heap. This gentleman was so confident in his abilities that he knew he could get knocked the fuck out and still beat his opponent. Sure, the second half of his gameplan kind of fell apart, but still, respect. Your move, Anderson.

(Trust us, when this moment arrives you will be doing anything but laughing.) 

When Jason “Mayhem” Miller was fired from the UFC, he was basically left with two career paths to follow. He could follow the path of guys like Joey Beltran or — to a lesser degree — Anthony Johnson, which is to say, recognizing his mistakes/flaws and trying to earn his way back into the promotion through hard work, a couple decent wins, and in his case, probably some begging. Or, he could take a page out of someone like Rampage Jackson’s book, which consists of complaining a lot, going on nonsensical Twitter rants, and acting like a delusional pyschopath at every possible turn.

It saddens us to inform you that Miller has apparently chosen the path of Charlie Sheen.

There are simply no words that aptly describe Miller’s recent appearance on The MMA Hour, but I’ll try to use a few: batshit, kerfuffle, delirium, wantwit, rudesby. Like sharting in a hot tub while on a blind date.

In a terribly misguided attempt to plug his upcoming film, Here Comes the Boom, Miller appeared on the radio show as his character from the movie, Lucky Patrick. But what began as a simple ruse quickly devolved into one of the most bizarre and outright sad things we have witnessed in the continually depressing downfall of “Mayhem” Miller. He referred to “Arius Heelwani” as a “Jew,” refused to break character or answer questions as to his current mental state (or perhaps answered them all, really), and vehemently stormed off the set 45 minutes short of its expected run time. As Helwani noted, Miller was clearly attempting to channel Andy Kaufman, but unfortunately came off looking a lot more like Crispin Glover.

Video after the jump. 

(“Tonight……you.”)

From a writer’s standpoint, there are a couple ways to approach a fight video as clownshit crazy as the one you are about to witness. The first is to provide a play-by-play breakdown of the action in a noble (but ultimately futile) attempt to try and make sense of the lunacy you just witnessed. The other method involves coming to the realization that your words are indeed ultimately futile and that the fight video should simply be digested as is.

It’s safe to say that when this happens before the fight even begins, you must follow the latter method.

Full video after the jump. Trust us, you *need* to see this. 

(That’s nice guys, but we’re just gonna stay out of this one. / Photo by Pattee Mak) 

Although I can’t pinpoint the exact date, at some point last week I found myself in a position that a blogger/writer for any niche site oft finds themselves in: tapping their fingers and waiting for some news to break that anyone would give half a shit about. “You know what you should do,” one of my roommates informed me, “is write an article about disabled athletes in MMA. It would tie in with the Paralympics and be quite topical.” It was a pretty good idea, so I immediately (well, after I set down the bong, I suppose) started drafting up some ideas and angles to approach such a story with. I started thinking about guys like Nick Newell and Matt Hamill, who, despite their disabilities, were still able to break open a can of whoop ass when the occasion called for it.

I also began to think of Kyle Maynard, who, despite being an incredible talent and inspiration, was simply not cut out for the sport of MMA. To put it politely, his amateur debut against Brian Fry was bizarre bordering on embarrassing. This was not due to Maynard’s physical limitations or desire to give the sport a try, but simply because someone out there thought that the fight should be both publicized and videotaped without first considering how it would be received by the general public.

But be that as it may, I began to draft up an article discussing the positives and negatives associated with disabilities in professional sports. I planned to discuss Oscar Pistorius, Im Dong Hyun, and Peter Gray. I planned to ask you, our esteemed readers, whether or not the decision for a disabled athlete to compete in a sport as dangerous as MMA should rest on the shoulders of the athletes themselves or of the commissions that are supposed to be protecting them.

That was, until I came across this article on Fighters Only this morning to find that a promotion in the UK was apparently moving forward with, and I cannot place enough emphasis on the quotes here, “a series of bouts with fighters in wheelchairs and also amputees under MMA rules.”

Full story after the jump.

(I met three women with these blank, emotionless faces and…the blackest eyes. The devil’s eyes. Props to our buddies at FilmDrunk for the find.)

It’s pretty common knowledge that most of the writers here at CP have a particularly dark sense of humor. We talk about death around the water cooler with the casual, nonchalant attitude that coworkers in normal society exude when discussing TPS reports or last night’s episode of The Big Bang Theory. Our hearts are basically filled with obsidian, which we write off as a coping mechanism to deal the disintegrating society in which we live.

But apparently we don’t even hold a candle to the ladies running the Hands of Our Future Daycare in Dover, Delaware, who were recently arrested for staging, then recording, a fight between two three-year old children who had been dropped off at the daycare center earlier that morning.

Sound familiar?

Full story after the jump. 

(Subtract the fire extinguisher and a pair of trousers and this is basically what happened.) 

No one really knew what to say when news broke that Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested in an Orange County church after breaking in, stripping down, destroying the place, and showering the remains in fire extinguisher retardant. They may make pamphlets to tell us if our little Johnny is high, but they sure as shit don’t make them for that situation, and our apathy/confusion toward the news reflected this. Miller had found his way to the blotter before, but this arrest was simply too bizarre to take in all at once. If Rampage Jackson was an episode of World’s Wildest Police Chases, Mayhem was an entire season of Reno 911. Specifically, the episodes featuring Terry.

There was also the fact that we were still digesting the bowlful of crazy that Miller had spewed at Dana White just days before, which truly raised some eyebrows in regards to Miller’s general well being. He had made his history of mental issues public knowledge before, and many of us assumed that it was likely these problems rearing their ugly heads once again when he was arrested. But according to Miller, who released a statement today to address our concerns following his release last week, declared that “everything is fine.” Granted, he also said the same thing to DW just days before his arrest, so take this with a grain of salt. Miller released the following via his Facebook and Twitter.

(Just off camera, The Grim Reaper stared on in shock as Madadi told him right where he could stick his scythe.) 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, you know by now that, while most of us are content to booze or sleep away most of our lives, MMA fighters opt to spend their leisure time foiling robberies, saving women from knife-wielding psychopaths, and teaching Canadian hoodlums a lesson in male dominance…I mean respect.

For some reason, the rule goes double for MMA fighters from foreign countries. We all remember the tale of Goran Reljic saving two men from drowning by smashing through their submerged vehicle’s windshield and pulling them to safety WHILE suffering from a back injury. Or how Kid Yamamoto dove onto a subway track in Japan to help lift a man to safety. Seriously, it’s like the rest of the world operates under Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code or something.

In either case, one name you can add to the list of heroic MMA fighters is UFC lightweight Reza Madadi, who recently saved an infant toddler when the child fell from a pier near Hornsberg in his home country of Sweden.

Full story after the jump.

(Nice job, Jason, you’ve gone and gotten yourself fired again, you idiot. Calm down, just calm down…you’ve talked your way out of worse than this, you just gotta think. How to stay relevant, how to stay relevant…OK, it has to be something REALLY out there, you know, something that will totally live up to your zany personality and at the least get you another pilot on MTV…fucking Bisping and his fire extinguishers ruined everything for us…come on, we’ve got to FOCUS!!….Wait…fire extinguishers…….Mayhem, you cheeky bastard, you’ve done it again.) 

Update: Miller’s booking photo is now at the bottom of this post, via TMZ. He looks pretty good, considering.

Well this is surprising.

Just days after urging Dana White to commit suicide, dubbing himself “A warrior for peace and ultimate fighter for justice” and bragging about how he was “happier than I have ever been,” it appears that TUF 14 coach and Bully Beatdown host Jason Miller has been arrested. Again. In a church in Mission Viejo. Naked.

Apparently Miller’s newfound “energy” is fueled by either bath salts or peyote and a touch of the crazy. In either case, we fail to see how this defines putting said energy into “the right things.” Here’s what went down according to TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, the O.C. Sheriff’s Office received a call early this morning from the Mission Hills Church in Mission Viejo about a possible burglary in progress.

When the deputies arrived, we’re told they found the first and second floors covered in white fire extinguisher spray. Cops say the place was also trashed — scattered CDs, books, and broken pictures.

When officers reached the second floor, we’re told they found Miller naked on some couch — totally awake and coherent.  It’s unclear if Miller was under the influence.

A note to all you haters of Michael Bisping: “The Count” doesn’t always prank you, but when he does, it emotionally traumatizes you for life. And Mayhem just got Scott Tenorman’d.

If a botched call is generally known as a “Mazzagati,” then this referee just earned the Pornstache Lifetime Achievement Award for this epic flub. Passed along to us by none other than KarmaAteMyCat, the above video depicts what may be the worst referee blunder in the history of MMA. Sound impossible? Prepare to have your puny minds blown.

The event was Warrior Nation XFA III. The day was April 20th. In a preliminary 135 lb contest, Justin Kristie made his amateur debut against fellow rookie David Baxter. You can watch most of the first round if you’d like, but we recommend that you skip to the 4:13 mark, where, with ten seconds remaining, Kristie locks in a tight triangle. Baxter either throws some open palm strikes, or in our opinion, appears to tap with five seconds remaining. The ref doesn’t react, a pattern that will become disturbingly apparent in the very near future, so Kristie promptly chokes Baxter the fuck out as the bell sounds.

This is where things take a turn into the truly bizarre.

(Shit happens when Brett Rogers is your sponsor.) 

It seems that we’ve had to deal with the issue of child abuse more and more over the past few weeks here at CagePotato. You may recall the woman in St. Louis who videotaped her infant daughter’s decaweight debut and provided such insightful ringside commentary as “Ball up some fists!” as one instance of this. But today, Potato Nation, we’ve come across the classiest child abuse video of them all. We’re talking a top of the line, Armani-suited business moguls shrouded in darkness and purchasing sex slaves that were kidnapped at the airport level of class on display here. This is the Rolls-Royce of child abuse videos, if you will. In fact, the level of class in this child abuse video is so high, that it might not be considered child abuse at all.

It’s disorienting, we know, because typically, when treated to a video of a 6 year old and a 7 year old throwing down in a cage, your first reaction would probably be that of outrage. Toss in the fact that it took place in Armenia, at a bar surrounded by drunken patrons huffing cigars and cheering them on, your anger would likely jump up a few notches. But then you take a look at the awesome production value (yes, those are *actual* flames in the beginning), the adorable weigh-ins/staredown, and the scaled down ring, and you almost forget that you’re about to watch two kids beat the piss out of each other for entertainment. Or that a promotion exists out there that will allow this to happen.

So goes the story of ArmFC, an upstart and soon to be shut down promotion that recently forayed into the art of child fighting. And although the promotion insists that we are actually watching a “demonstration of the fight” on the Youtube page in which they posted this video, the fact that the first four words of the video’s description are “death 6 years fighter” leads us to believe that those running this promotion have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. So by “demonstration”, they likely mean “we didn’t allow them to dip their gloves in candle wax and broken glass beforehand this time.”

Video after the jump. 

(On the count of three, I want everyone who is not pulling a fast one to raise their hand.) 

If there are two things that we would be willing to bet the house on in light of recent events, it’s that half of the scheduled fights for the next few months will be cancelled due to injury, and the few participants who remain standing after the smoke clears will only be doing so as a result of testosterone replacement therapy. So goes the story for TUF 1 winner and former light heavyweight champion Forrest Griffin, the most recent UFC behemoth  fighter who both filed for and was successful in receiving a therapeutic use exemption for TRT over the past couple months.

Griffin joins the ranks of such puny weaklings as Frank Mir and Chael Sonnen that will never be able to produce testosterone naturally again, leading us to wonder how that will effect his chances of survival once the whole apocalypse thing he has been talking about actually hits. Tip #147: TRT is for girly men; always go au naturale.

(YOU JUST HAD TO ORDER THE COLONEL’S TRIPLE SUPER EXTRA CRISPY RECIPE, DIDN’T YOU, JUSTIN?!) 

You can call this lazy journalism if you want (and I’d sorta agree with you), but I am going to repost the story that TUF 10 veteran Justin Wren recently posted on the Underground verbatim, because there is simply nothing that could describe the apparent spontaneous combustion then rejuvenation of the roof of his mouth more than the photos themselves do. Despite everything I know about medical science, which I learned on that one episode of Scrubs I caught a few years back, Wren appears to have contracted, then recovered from, one of the worst cases of necrotizing faciitis I have ever seen. To put it in the words of a cliched film critic, when looking at this series of images, “I laughed. Then I cried. Then I applauded. Then I vomited. Then I passed out in said vomit. Then I stood up an cheered before vomiting once more.”

Anyways, the story begins like this:

Two days ago I was helping lead at a youth camp of 750 youth kids… I was talking and then a girl yelled… “Justin! Your teeth are bleeding!” I walked outside and spit a mouthful of blood… I went to the bathroom and spit out 3 or 4 full mouthfuls of blood… I filled up 4 full 16 ounce cups of blood within an hour or so… I was told by the 4 person med team it looked like the roof of my mouth was caving in or falling off! I had some sort of strange deep infection in my palette…

The full story, complete with pictures, is after the jump. Fair warning: These pictures are f*cking disgusting.

(This pretty much says it all.) 

Whenever I am involved in a discussion regarding crime and punishment, I am often dubbed a “sociopathic”, a “loony”, or a “stay the fuck away from me and my family” kind of guy as a result of my extreme view on how people should be disciplined. Society is overpopulated and ever-increasing, so it is my belief that we should take everyone from the convicted pedophiles and murders of the world down to the sue happy whackjobs, load them into a jumbo jet, and crash it into a mountain. Those whom I have these conversations with often retort that I should have more faith in humanity, that people are inherently good and are capable of change.

And then a story like this surfaces and drags them deeper into the murky cesspool of human existence in which my faith currently lies.

Today’s story comes to us out of St. Louis, where a local woman recently released an abhorring video on Facebook (a.k.a society’s douche) in which she not only prods her infant daughter into fighting another local girl, but gives her a few pointers while she carries out the despicable act. Unfortunately, no charges have been filed at this point, so the woman’s name has yet to be released, likely out of fear that her neighbors would tie her to a fence post and take turns kicking her in the vagina with steel-toed boots in order to ensure that she never reproduces again, as they so rightfully should.

Video after the jump. 

(An audience member snapped this photo at the exact moment of the knockout.) 

There has been a lot of talk over the past few weeks in regards to “bath salts” an their effect on the human body. A friend of mine described them as “meth on PCP,” and said that they tend to make one feel “like Superman on a Chris Benoit-esque roid rage,” with side effects ranging from hallucinations, paranoia, and wet farts all the way to the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound and absorb a speeding bullet without batting an eye. Let’s just say that he’s “a doctor.”

Well, after watching Galore Bosando’s recent destruction of Wendle Lewis at a May 26th UCMMA event in London, I can only assume that we have witnessed the first case of bath salt abuse in MMA. Because there is no other logical explanation as to how exactly Bosando was able to deliver such an onslaught of spinning kick attacks, combining an inhuman level of flexibility with an, and I use this term at the risk of sounding racist, “explosiveness” that just doesn’t seem attainable without a narcotic level stimulant running through one’s veins.

Welterweights of the greater London area take notice, because it appears that Melvin Guillard and Melvin Manhoef mixed their DNA in a petri dish, combined it with 4 pounds of C-4, and mailed it to England in a bag full of hammers. The resulting explosion created Galore Basando.

Video after the jump. 

At what point in a fighter’s career is it considered cruel and unusual punishment to allow them to compete? Sure, Randy Couture fought until he was 47, and Dan Severn is still beating up any homeless person that accidentally stumbled into the cage for a pint of Guinness and a pat on the back, but those gents are simply the exceptions that prove the rule. Guys like Ken Shamrock, on the other hand, are doing nothing more than shortening their lifespan each time they step into the ring, and for what? An attempt to recapture some former glory, or a feeling of youth? We know it damn sure isn’t in the hopes of recapturing a title, but then again, a passion is a passion, and if an obviously past their prime athlete wants to continue fighting at the detriment of their own health, who are we to say otherwise? It’s up to the promoters to cut them loose, not the fighters, and as we’ve seen in the story of Scott Hall, sometimes it is these very promoters who seem unable to make that distinction.

We’re rambling, of course, about the reports that BJJ/coaching legend Renzo Gracie is preparing for a second run in the UFC. At age 45.

Now, we’re not here to bash a freakin’ Gracie of all people for wanting to give the UFC another go, but this just seems like a terrible idea in every sense of the word.

(It’s as if the province of Ontario is giving us the middle finger at every waking moment.) 

When you report on all things MMA for a living (or at least claim to) like we here at CP do, it becomes a rarer and rarer occurrence that something truly blows our collective minds. A botched drug test here, a DWI/Domestic Assault arrest here — none of these things really surprise us in the sense that they are completely unheard news stories. Rather, it is often the whos and whats of a given case that give us food for thought. In other words, it is not everyday that we are treated to a rampage across Southern California that really makes us sit back and ponder the peculiarity of a given situation.

Today is one of those days, Potato Nation.

For you see, our buddies at Fightlinker managed to come across a story originally reported by Sportsnet’s Joe Ferraro that involved Canada’s ever-budding amatuer mixed martial arts scene, and we felt the need to pass it along.

But first, a little backstory. For those of you keeping track, Ontario did not legalize mixed martial arts until the beginning of 2011, but the Ontarian (yes, that’s what they call themselves) response was overwhelmingly positive. UFC 129 became the fastest selling card in UFC History, selling over 55,000 tickets in just over two days. We’re talking about a card that had Jake f’ing Shieldzzzzz in the main event, people. The UFC returned to Ontario at UFC 140, and in both occasions, saw the usual mix of enthusiastic and knowledgeable fans in attendance, something that cannot be said for many other venues.

So one would think that when it came to determining a set of rules for which amateur MMA would be governed by, Ontario would have more than an infinitesimal inkling as to how the sport they loved so much was run. You would be wrong. So, very, very wrong.

(Props to CP reader Jason Jenkins for delivering both the video and the knockout-to-end -all-CP-reader-knockouts.) 

We’ve only said this once in the history of CagePotato, but thank God for Facebook. If not for this social networking device, we would have never come across CP reader Jason Jenkins’ incredible knockout that occurred over the weekend at Ultimate Impact K1 in Gloucester, Massachusetts.

The video, which Jenkins passed along to us just a couple of hours ago, features the “Grasshopper” going full on Edson Barboza on his opponent, Phill Savage, delivering an incredible spinning wheel kick KO less than a minute into their fight. The fact that he throws an extra spin into his kick for good measure makes the knockout all the more impressive. Seriously, it is probably the coolest finish we’ve seen since Cairo Rocha’s Capoeira style destruction of Francisco Neves back in December of 2011.

The brutiful KO awaits you after the jump. 

(You have no idea how right you are.) 

What in the name of Science is this bullshit? Fresh off a victory over Marcus LeVesseur at UFC on FUEL 3, it has been announced that the inventor of the deadliest guillotine choke known to man, TUF 12 veteran Cody McKenzie, will be making his featherweight debut at UFC 148, which transpires from the MGM Grand Garden Casino in Las Vegas on July 7th. Welcoming him to 145 lbs will be…Chad Mendes? Didn’t he just fight JOSE F’ING ALDO FOR THE F’ING TITLE?! Did McKenzie piss off Dana White, or is this Karma’s way of punishing him for making Josh Koscheck look like even more of a clown on the set of TUF 10? If it’s the latter, then Karma is a dick. A high school Letterman jacket wearing, clove cigarette smoking, man ass motorboating dick.

As we all know, McKenzie has won 11 of his 13 professional victories by way of his signature vice-grip like submission, aptly dubbed “The McKenzietine,” which has earned him a spot amongst the greatest one-trick ponies of all time. Mendes, on the other hand, has never been submitted, and is coming off the first blemish of his career, which came via brutal first round knockout to Aldo. Why it was decided that these two should face off is nothing short of baffling.

(This tender moment is brought to you by the word: clownshoe.) 

As we mentioned earlier this week, Chael Sonnen is basically the living reincarnation of the legend of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He has the capability to come off as a reasonable individual, but more often than not, he chooses to drink that devilish potion, the proceeding surge of bravado almost always coming at the cost of his sanity. Where as Dr. Jekyll becomes a prostitute murdering madman upon drinking said potion, Sonnen reverts into a compulsive liar on such a ridiculous level — spouting claims of certain cycling legends and PED use — that he all but but erases the belief that he is one of the more intelligent figures in the sport today.

Take his recent interview with Jim Rome, in which he discussed his upcoming title fight with Anderson Silva, set for UFC 148 on July 7th. As he did while on “The Joe Rogan Experience,” Sonnen talked about the perceived danger of accepting the rematch in Brazil (as was the original plan) as well as his claims that Silva is a “fake Brazilian.” But you don’t start to smell the fish, so to speak, until his UFC 117 loss to Silva is brought up. After Rome gives the viewers a quick recap of the fight, Sonnen drops this beauty on us:

I am so happy you brought that up for the viewers who may not have seen this…what had happened was an absolute misunderstanding and misapplication of the rules by me. We’re in the fifth and final round, he locks on a submission, and I acknowledge that he has it tight by slapping my hand on his leg.

I tapped. So what I thought is you go to the cards. I win four rounds, he wins that round. Apparently, if you tap, it ends the entire contest, which I was not ever made privy to.

Jesus f’ing Christ. Words cannot even begin to describe the amount of facepalm that is necessary for that aneurysm-inducing bit of drivel. It is as if he is having a four-year old with a inoperable brain tumor scribble out his interview answers in crayon, knowing damn well that the child does not posses the ability to spell “inoperable” or “crayon.” Bill Clinton could not dream up a more ham-fisted response if you were to give him the third runner-up of Miss Plus America, an empty hotel room, and all the time in the world.

Join us after a jump for a play-by-play of the rest of the interview and a full video. 

(Oh, come on, Vinny. You know that a belt is worthless once it has been in the bathroom! Photo courtesy of @VinnyMMA) 

Although we feel like we didn’t really get to know Vinny Magalhaes that well during his run on TUF 8 that took him all the way to the show’s finals, watching how he’s responded to his whole M-1 contract debacle has only endeared us to the guy all the more.

If you’re not familiar with the story, we’ll give you the gist: After winning the M-1 Light Heavyweight title back in October of 2011, Magalhaes got fed up with the promotion after they failed to offer him a single title defense under his contract, opting to attempt and resign him under a new one instead. M-1 Global Director of Operations Evgeni Kogan began a “he said/she said” contract dispute with Magalhaes that left the ADCC champion on the shelf for the rest of 2011 and all of 2012 to this point. After finally being told that he has been released from his contract, Vinny decided to put his belt up for sale on Ebay, figuring that it would at least sell for the 20 dollars worth of scrap metal it was composed of.

The bidding officially began on May 13th, and at a steal of just nine cents. It now stands at 14,600 dollars. 

What. The. Shit.

(Skip to the 3:25 mark for the fight. But for the love of God, turn down your speakers first.)

If every fight was contested in Brazil, we wouldn’t have to worry about an officiating blunder ever again…

(One of these days, Alice, RIGHT TO THE MOON!) 

Well this is interesting. According to BJPenn.com, former UFC welterweight contender Frank Trigg has recently been released from his HDNet contract, where he served as a commentator for such promotions as Dream and Legacy Fighting Championships. Now, we know you’re asking yourself, “How could the man behind such classic phrases as ‘OH, OH NO, OHHHH!!‘ and ‘Fedor is going to dispatch this man very quickly‘ possibly be let go as a commentator?!” At first, we would have agreed with you. Until we found out why he is being let go, that is. Mainly, the reasons appear that be beat, then cheated, on his soon to be ex-wife.

Yikes.

Here’s the alleged story:

Former UFC fighter, Frank Trigg has been relieved of his duties as a commentator for HDNet for alleged domestic violence and having an improper relationship with a co-worker.

Trigg allegedly choked his wife unconscious in front of their children back in October of 2011, and is now in the middle of a very messy divorce. 

As if that wasn’t enough, he was also found to be having an affair with a 23 year old assistant producer for HDNet. The company did not approve of the improper relationship he was having or the allegations of abuse, and in turn they have fired him from his job as a commentator.

You think that’s bad? Check out a disturbing photo of the bruises left on his wife’s throat after the 2011 incident below, first posted on TheDirty.com:

(You wouldn’t know it because of the TRT and all, but three years ago, that Jabbawockee looked like this. ) 

Last Friday, mankind’s ongoing war with common sense and decency united in a copulation of takedowns, face masks, and remorse when Ultimate Ball held its first event at UCMMA 27 in London, England. For some twisted, inexplicable reason, an idea that was best left in the dark recesses of the meth-snorting exercise enthusiast who gave birth to this monstrosity was placed on display for the world to see, immediately leapfrogging “public lynchings” as the most disturbing form of human entertainment ever concocted. Seriously, if XARM, San Do Three-Man Fighting, and ShockFights had sex in the remains of the XFL, the resulting bastard child would be Ultimate Ball. 

Check out the “highlights” from the first, and hopefully last, event after the jump. Just make sure your window is closed if you live higher up than the second floor. 

(We don’t even know where to start.)

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

It appears that, distraught over his inability to get fired from the UFC, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has moved on to phase two of Operation: Batshit Condor. If you recall, phase one began with a DVD copy of The Secret and a six pack of Red Bull and ended with a high speed chase across Southern California. If thi video is any indication, phase two will undoubtedly end in the death of millions.

Perhaps realizing that his rap album won’t be climbing up the charts anytime soon, Jackson decided to return to his acting…I guess you’d call them, roots? The video that awaits you after the jump, which comes courtesy of FilmOn.com, is entitled “How To Pick Up a Gurl – Fast” with Rampage Jackson.

Prepare yourselves for this one, ladies and gentlemen.

(Step 1: MIRRORS.) 

Ladies and gentlemen (actually, just gentlemen), today is your lucky day, because you are about to learn how easy it is to become a UFC fighter. None other than TUF 8 runner up and rubber armed badass Vinny Magalhaes came across this instructional video last night and tweeted it for the world to see.

Simply put, if you have any aspirations of becoming an MMA UFC fighter, it would be idiotic not to watch this video, for it provides more insight into the world of mixed martial arts in a minute and a half than years of training and dedication could ever accomplish. Where Red Bull and The Secret failed, this video will succeed.

Join us after the jump to get your knowledge on.

(True to his nickname, Mark “The Great White Shark” Potter prefers his opponents to be grossly overweight and easily capable of being put down. Photo courtesy of David Lethaby.) 

You guys remember that insane Pancrase fighter who couldn’t stop beating the shit out of his opponent despite the ref’s intervention? Meet the complete opposite of that.

Yes, last Saturday’s CFC 12 heavyweight clash between Mark Potter and Larry Watts may have featured the most indecisive moment in refereeing since Matt Brown vs. Pete Sell. After sending Watts tumbling to the mat with his first punch, Potter, who looks like a smaller, fitter version of Sean McCorkle, decides not to continue punishing his clearly rocked opponent. The ref begins to wave off the bout, but decides not to actually step between the fighters while doing so. Unaware of this, Potter only sees that Watts is still conscious and continues his onslaught. And the ref does nothing to stop this. 

Join us after the jump for the madness. 

(If you think about it, a giraffe is nothing more than a horse with a really, really long neck. Watch your back Olivier.) 

No, this is not one of MRuss’ award winning photoshops, although we imagine everyone in the UFC’s heavyweight division wishes it was. It turns out that this beanstalkian figure is Olivier Richter, otherwise known as the tallest man in Holland. He stands at 7’2, or three inches taller than Stefan “Skyscraper” Struve, and according to Alistair Overeem, has already begun to train kickboxing and weight lifting with the hopes of one day making it into the UFC.

Here at CP, we have covered damn near every type of knockout that has occurred in the MMA world, and in fact, we pride ourselves on our devotion to the topic. And although we’ve seen both the double KO and the even more rare no contest due to both fighters falling out of the cage, little did we know that over the weekend, these two would meet at a shady hotel, do the nasty, forget to wear protection, and give birth to the above knockout.

The event was Hardrock MMA 43, which went down on Saturday night. The place was Sheperdsville, Kentucky. In the co-main event of the evening, lightweight fighters Brandon Bishop and Braedon Ward squared off in what started as a relatively even match that saw both men struggle for superior position in the clinch. After Ward managed to toss Bishop to the mat but was unable to complete the takedown, he bull rushed ahead with a double leg, eventually slamming into to cage door, which burst open and sent both fighters crashing to the ground.

As team members rushed to their aid, it quickly became apparent that both parties had been knocked unconscious in the fall, and the bout was subsequently ruled a no contest. Fortunately, both men were able to walk away on their own power after a few minutes. According to Gary Thomas of ProMMAnow.com, who was in attendance for the entire event, a hinge in the cage had been damaged in an earlier fight, but was believed to have been fixed. However, when both fighters hit the door, the pin was knocked loose, causing one of the more bizarre fight endings we have seen in quite some time.

And as it turns out, this was not the only bit of controversy that went down at Hardrock MMA 43. Join us after the jump for an illegal KO from the same event that is as brutal as it is hilarious.