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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: Insanity

Oh, Thank Christ: Brazilian MMA Confederation Officially Shitcans Man vs. Woman Fight at Shooto 45


(“Equality,” as pictured by a lunatic.) 

We can all breath a sigh of relief, Nation, because the necessary persons have officially (thankfully) put an end to this man vs. woman MMA fight nonsense. The matchup, which was announced as part of Friday’s Shooto 45 event earlier this week, was almost immediately reviled by fans across the MMA blogosphere. Maybe because it was asking us to accept common assault as sport, or maybe because the woman, Juliana Velasquez, would be making her professional debut, but for some reason, no one really wanted to see this travesty unfold and further roadblock MMA from legitimization.

Except for Emerson Falcao (a.k.a “the man”), that is, who insists that our sport is destined for an Andy Kaufman-esque fantasyscape in the near future (via MMAFighting):

I was hired to fight, and I’m going there to fight. My job is to train and fight. This is the first of the many man vs. woman fights that will come in the future. You’ll see. This is going to be huge. We’re here to shock the world.

Yes, “shock the world.” Because our fine sport should abide by the philosophy of Marilyn Manson if it ever wants to succeed.

While it was originally being reported that Velasquez vs. Falcao would be taking place tomorrow with a special “No elbows, no knees” stipulation, the Brazilian Mixed Martial Arts Federation stepped in at today’s weigh-ins and cancelled this thing outright. As the CBMMA’s Osiris Maia stated:

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Terrible, Stupid, Just Awful Idea of the Day: A Man vs. Woman Fight is Going Down at Shooto Brazil 45 This Weekend [UPDATED]

God damn it, you guys. God. Damn. It.

Maybe it’s just me, but everytime it seems like this thing we call MMA is finally on the right track towards honest-to-God legitimacy, Jose Canseco shows up, or the UFC signs a yoga instructor(‘s death warrant), or some shit like this happens and we’re back to square one.

Begin the SMH’ing, because some Brazilian website is reporting that Shooto, one of Brazil’s longest and (formerly) most prestigious MMA organizations, is planning a man vs. woman fight at this weekend’s Shooto Brazil 45. Specifically, Nova Uniao product Emerson Falcao vs. Team Nogueira’s Juliana Velasquez. Who will be making her professional debut. 

I…I just can’t anymore, you guys. Wiping my hands of this whole thing.

And who came up with this fucking ree-dick-you-lus idea, you ask? Oh, just Andre Pederneiras, the legendary Uniao founder/trainer who has seemed like a relatively intelligent individual up until this point. Maybe he knows something we don’t. In any case, here’s the scoop, as Velasquez told MMAFighting:

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‘Fight Night 34: Saffiedine vs. Lim’ to Stream on UFC’s New *Subscription-Based* Digital Network at 6:30 a.m. [LOLWUT]


(Wake up, man! You paid $39.95 for access to these premo events!)

A quick show of hands: How many of you taters would wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday to catch Fight Night 34: Saffiedine vs. Ellenberger Lim? Of those of you who raised your hands, how many of you would be willing to *pay* for the right to view said card?

These are just two of the most baffling questions being posed by the UFC, who earlier today (sort of) unveiled a new, subscription-based digital network dedicated to streaming all of the international “Fight Night” cards too low-level to even merit a spot on the FS2 schedule. Said Lorenzo Fertitta:

The UFC has always been ahead of the game in the digital world. The UFC was the first major sporting organization to embrace social media and the first to offer live pay-per-view events across multiple digital platforms. The new digital network continues that tradition of innovation, bringing unrivaled choice to UFC fans. 

The UFC’s expansion into international markets, and the extended calendar of events, is certainly part of the reason it makes sense to launch the digital network in 2014. UFC fans are the most passionate fans in the world, and we want to ensure they can see every fight and every event no matter where in the world the octagon may be.

That’s right, kids! For the low, low price of money, you can access garbage-ass international cards featuring sub-UFC level fighters, instead of, you know, just continuing to stream those fights illegally! HOW CAN THIS STRATEGY POSSIBLY FAIL?

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In Case You Were Wondering, Michael Bisping Could Have EASILY Knocked Out Anderson Silva

In a recent interview with MMAWeekly, Michael Bisping made the following statement (emphasis mine):

Obviously it would always be a dream of mine to fight Anderson Silva and be the guy to take the title, of course. Yeah I was a little disappointed and I’m not taking anything away from his win, but we all know Anderson Silva was acting like an idiot and he got knocked out. It would have been nice to be the guy that did it, so congratulations to Chris, he’s the new champion and certainly a formidable force at middleweight, but yeah, it stinks a little. I could have done that. I could have easily done that. 

Now, before you start labeling Bisping a “troll,” let us first consider the man’s impeccable record when it comes to predicting how his fights will end:

On Chael Sonnen: “I’ll start landing punches and soon he’ll fall to the floor.”

- On Brian Stann: “He won’t last as long as a virgin on prom night.”

- On Vitor Belfort: “He only knocks out easy bait.”

- On Alan Belcher: “He’s going to get what’s coming to him: a brutal beatdown which he will never, ever forget.”

…well, at least he got that last one right.

-J. Jones

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WTF?! of the Day: Bigfoot Silva Attempting Cut to LHW to Fight “Mentally Sick” Thiago Silva


(“God, I could so go for an eclair right now-NO! FIGHT IT, BIGFOOT! PUNCH THE HUNGER AWAY.”) 

We know, we know, not a goddamn word in that title makes sense.

Let’s run a hypothetical scenario by you: You’re a 6’4”, 285-pound, acromegalic UFC fighter. Your head is the size of a Ronco Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ and your fists were the models upon which Hulk Hands were molded. Being that you’re Brazilian, you also have an eternal blood feud with another UFC-employed fighter/camp that can be traced back to ancient blood drawings on the Pico da Neblina.

So your enemy of all enemies finally gets back from his most recent suspension and picks up an impressive win inside the octagon. You could use a nice win yourself, being that you were just knocked out by your division’s champion for the second time (in a year) in your last fight. However, the 70 pound weight advantage you hold over your foe all but rules that option out. Do you a) Needle the shit out of the guy until he agrees to fight you at a catchweight or b) Try and settle things on the streets — no gloves, no rules, ala Rocky V.

Well, if you’re Antonio Silva, the answer is c) attempt a suicidal weight cut to get to that sonofabitch, who in this case is light heavyweight Thiago Silva (via FightersOnly):

I personally will attend the doctors to see if I am able to lose weight without spoiling my health. If can do it, I will drop weight to make this fight for sure. All I want to do is just fight him because words won’t make him change.

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Ranking the 10 11 Most Insane Tweets From War Machine’s Latest Hate-Fueled Twitter Tirade


(Blatantly contradicting yourself in less than 150 characters? Dear lord, how we’ve missed this man.) 

It seems like it’s been an eternity since we’ve checked in with our buddy War Machine, peddler of all things conspiracy and sexer of all things bologna. After a nasty ACL tear and a couple rough stints in the clink, the mixed martial artist formerly known as Prison Mike John Koppenhaver is finally set to make his Bellator debut on June 19th at Bellator 96. Perhaps to boost some awareness of his return, or perhaps because he is crazier than a shithouse rat, Machine has once again taken aim at one of his enemies using the power of the Internet. No, not President Obama, we’re talking about tightwad MMA sponsors, obviously.

In any case, Machine has been tweeting up a storm as of late, and his tweets contain the usual mix of hilarious ignorance and self sabotage that we have come to expect from the porn world’s most notorious bad boy. We’ve compiled our top 10 favorites (via @WarMachine170) for your viewing pleasure below. Welcome back, old friend.

10. A WAR MMA Main Event in the Making

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‘WTF of the Day’: Nick Diaz is No-Showing Countdown Tapings Because They Don’t Exist

We’re less than one month away from UFC 158, where welterweight kingpin Georges St-Pierre will take on Nick Diaz in a fight we’ve been waiting almost eighteen months to see. At this point, it’s too late for a petty disagreement to cancel this fight. Nothing short of an act of God is going to stop this fight from finally happening, which is obviously great news when Nick Diaz is involved, because once again, Diaz has apparently been no-showing his media obligations.

At least that’s what Dana White had to say during the post-event press conference for yesterday’s UFC on FUEL TV 7. According to him, everyone’s favorite welterweight from the 209 hasn’t been showing up for Countdown tapings. This also explains why Nick Diaz vs. GSP didn’t get its own UFC Primetime episodes even though the much less interesting bout between Rousey vs. Carmouche did; Primetime requires much more effort from the fighters being profiled to film. As Dana White said yesterday (transcribed by MMAWeekly):

“Nick Diaz would be an interesting Countdown show, too,” White shot back
sarcastically, “if we could get him to show up for those.

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MMA vs. Boxing Chapter MXVII: In Which Dana White Calls Bob Arum “A Moron” and Somehow Doesn’t Die From the Irony


(And another thing that bugs me about the guy is his insistence on using curse words so often. It’s like, for fuck’s sake Bob, our fucking children are watching this shit.) 

When it comes to picking sides in a fight between Dana White and Bob Arum, it often feels like we’re simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Don’t get us wrong, aside from his stance on marijuana in combat sports, Bob Arum comes off as a chode for the most part, especially when he decides to open his mouth about how MMA fans are all a bunch of homosexual skinhead racists. But every now and again, The Baldfather says something so pants-shittingly stupid and drenched in irony that it makes us wonder whether or not he has been completely blinded by his own power. Take the following for example, in which DW calls Arum “the dumbest promoter in the history of the world” for allowing Manny Pacquiao to fight Juan Manuel Marquez a fourth time:

Dumbest fight in history. Bob Arum is a moron. You don’t take that fight, you idiot. Why would you do that fight? It’s all about the money, that’s why. That was a money fight, that’s what that fight was done for. He should have fought Bradley. Bradley’s the fight they should have done. He would have knocked Bradley out, he would have got his belt back and now he’s back in the position he should have been in. [Pacquiao's] one of the best fighters in the world. He goes out and fights Marquez again? Bob Arum is the dumbest promoter in the history of the world.

Right…but Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen and Georges St. Pierre vs. Nick Diaz are somehow not “money fights.” In case you’re wondering, this is where I’d normally insert a Scanners headsplosion gif, but I’m too busy trying to nurse the puppy I just kicked after reading this quote back to life.

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Hilarious Knockout of the Day: Dude Dares His Opponent to Knock Him Out, Is Kindly Obliged


(Props to Rodeo and bOredjOrd for the tip.)

Confidence is like nature’s bath salts. Using a combination of trickery, implied reasoning, and outright tomfoolery, confidence basically transports us back to the ignorant serenity of youth. It surpasses logic, the physical limitations of the human body, and the laws of nature to convince its host that anything is achievable through the pure power of will. And just like bath salts, confidence can have devastating effects on the body it occupies. Just ask Melvin Guillard. Or Tom Brady. Or Hitler. I’m not saying that Tom Brady is Hitler reincarnated, I’m just saying.

So rather than take pot shots at the wellspring of confidence you will meet in the video above, I would rather like to commend him for it, as misplaced as it may have been. Because I can assure you that none of us — not one  — has ever been as confident in our ourselves as this man, if even for the briefest second. Nick Diaz may have perfected the “Come at me, bro” pose in the octagon, but the motherfucker was never crazy enough to let one of his opponents tee off on him until he crumbled to the ground in a heap. This gentleman was so confident in his abilities that he knew he could get knocked the fuck out and still beat his opponent. Sure, the second half of his gameplan kind of fell apart, but still, respect. Your move, Anderson.

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[VIDEO] Jason Miller’s Anti-Semitic, Mentally Handicapped Doppelganger Throws Tantrum, Storms Off ‘The MMA Hour’


(Trust us, when this moment arrives you will be doing anything but laughing.) 

When Jason “Mayhem” Miller was fired from the UFC, he was basically left with two career paths to follow. He could follow the path of guys like Joey Beltran or — to a lesser degree — Anthony Johnson, which is to say, recognizing his mistakes/flaws and trying to earn his way back into the promotion through hard work, a couple decent wins, and in his case, probably some begging. Or, he could take a page out of someone like Rampage Jackson’s book, which consists of complaining a lot, going on nonsensical Twitter rants, and acting like a delusional pyschopath at every possible turn.

It saddens us to inform you that Miller has apparently chosen the path of Charlie Sheen.

There are simply no words that aptly describe Miller’s recent appearance on The MMA Hour, but I’ll try to use a few: batshit, kerfuffle, delirium, wantwit, rudesby. Like sharting in a hot tub while on a blind date.

In a terribly misguided attempt to plug his upcoming film, Here Comes the Boom, Miller appeared on the radio show as his character from the movie, Lucky Patrick. But what began as a simple ruse quickly devolved into one of the most bizarre and outright sad things we have witnessed in the continually depressing downfall of “Mayhem” Miller. He referred to “Arius Heelwani” as a “Jew,” refused to break character or answer questions as to his current mental state (or perhaps answered them all, really), and vehemently stormed off the set 45 minutes short of its expected run time. As Helwani noted, Miller was clearly attempting to channel Andy Kaufman, but unfortunately came off looking a lot more like Crispin Glover.

Video after the jump. 

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