(At one point, Jones tried to pull away because he thought the handshake was over, but Chael held on for like a half-second longer. It was, without question, the most challenging moment of Jones’s professional MMA career. / Photo via Getty Images)

By Matt Saccaro

The fight game isn’t just about tatted-up white guys with shaved heads hitting each other in the face. If it were, BodogFIGHT and the IFL would still be alive and kicking. Marketing /Hype/PR is a crucial aspect of the fight business — but it doesn’t always go so well.

There were times when the UFC has had stunning marketing triumphs (the whole “Zuffa created the entire MMA world and if you don’t like it you’re a butthurt Pride fanboy” shtick). But there were also times when the UFC’s efforts fell flat on their face like Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante against Dan Henderson.

What were some of these hyped-up but obviously bullshit moments? Let’s have a look…

1. Watch Che Mills, the Unstoppable Killing Machine!

(Source: Getty)

UFC 145’s main event of Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans was strong enough to sell a pay-per-view on. Sure, sometimes the promo made the two fighters look like jilted lovers, but we’re not gonna hate on the UFC for hyping up a title fight.

We will, however, hate on them for trying to convince fans that a squash match — Rory MacDonald vs. Che Mills — was some kind of epic duel between two young lions. There was only one prospect in that fight, and it wasn’t Che Mills.

The UFC’s inability to do anything with subtlety ruined the promos for this event, the prelims for this event, and most of the PPV portion of this event. Describing Mills as a “new, dangerous welterweight from the UK” was a gross exaggeration. The British striker was only dangerous if you were a TUF bum or if you suffered an accidental knee injury while fighting him.

During the prelims, Rogan was doing the hard sell. THIS CHE MILLS GUY IS A KILLER. HE’S A MONSTER. HE’S A BADASS. HE BEHEADED NED STARK. HE SHOT BAMBI’S MOTHER. Insane falsehoods like this littered the broadcast. Rogan didn’t stop the bullshit once the main card started, either.

We got treated with pro-wrestling-level fakeness about how Che Mills was on MacDonald’s level up until MacDonald, predictably, ran through Mills.

Thus, the only thing that got killed at UFC 145 was Mills’s career.

Since then, Mills hasn’t legitimately won a fight, unless you count Duane Ludwig’s freak injury as a legit win. Earlier this month, Mills lost via TKO to Irishman Cathal Pendred (never heard of him either) at a CWFC event in Ireland.

2. James Toney, Bane of MMA Fighters.

(God damn it, Tim. We will never forgive you for this.)

We envisioned this week’s CagePotato Roundtable as a friendly take-down of everything from “Hello Japan!” to Tito Ortiz’s brief and terrifying career as a post-fight interviewer. But then a funny thing happened — the UFC canceled their first event of the Zuffa era due to a very unexpected decision by one of their champions, and the world exploded. The Jon Jones/UFC 151 fallout and much more will be covered in today’s column, so grab a beverage and get comfortable. And as always, if you have a topic idea for a future Roundtable, please send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

Seth Falvo

“World Combat League, bro. It already exists.”

In the perfect MMA Universe I envision whenever I eat enough Lotus Leaf, these words are uttered directly to MMA’s Vince Russo, Bob Meyrowitz, while he’s looking for investors for the mind-numbingly ridiculous YAMMA Pit Fighting. Upon hearing them, Bob decides to become a jaded boxing promoter, World Combat League is still the only promotion that uses a bowl as the fight surface and we are all spared the most stupid, embarrassing, gimmicky event since Heroes of Wrestling. Also in this universe: The Super Hulk division is recognized by the UFC as a real weight class, Paulo Filho never touches the GHB, Fedor knocks out Brock Lesnar and then retires as a UFC Heavyweight Champion and Chael Sonnen never attempts that freaking backfist. Who says us nerds don’t know how to party?

Of course, reality is a cruel mistress, and YAMMA Pit Fighting ended up happening despite the best efforts of an injury curse. Much like the aforementioned Heroes of Wrestling, Meyrowitz attempted to cash in on our love of nostalgia by booking a bunch of aging has-beens, never-weres, nobodies and ne’er-do-wells to compete in the promotion’s inaugural event. Never mind that half of the roster hasn’t been relevant in a decade (using “relevant” as loosely as possible in some cases), or that one of the fighters was best known for getting knocked out by a leg kick, or that another fighter was best known to casual fans for his stint on Celebrity Rehab; they’re going to brawl, you guys! Add on one of Brock Lesnar’s Team Deathclutch punching bags, the cheapest journeyman-for-hire you can find, an obese former Toughman Contest champion and some obscure Russians who dabble at sambo — because, you know, Fedor — and we’ll have all the tools for an exciting bankruptcy case after no one watches this. Tack on the incredibly cheesy, stuck-in-the-mid-90s “On the streets it’s against the law — in the pit it is the law” tagline, and laissez les bons temps rouler.

Every great sport has been built on the backs of men who absolutely sucked at it — athletes whose hapless failures made the champions’ triumphs look even more outstanding by comparison. Baseball has its Mario Mendozas, its Bob Kammeyers, its Pete Rose Jrs. We have our Joe Sons, our Tiki Ghosns, our James Toneys. So in honor of the brave competitors who proved that MMA is even harder than it looks, we humbly present this “tribute” to the worst UFC fighters of all time.

A couple of notes to start: 1) We chose fighters solely based on their performances inside the Octagon. Some of these fighters achieved great things in other organizations, before or after their time in the UFC; for the purposes of this feature, we’re not really interested in that. 2) Instead of ranking one form of suckitude against another, we’ll group the 50 fighters into sections and arrange them chronologically. Use the links below to navigate, and if we omitted anybody notable, please let us know in the comments section.

- Ben Goldstein

Page 1: The Pre-Zuffa Punchlines
Page 2: The One-and-Done Wonders
Page 3: The Repeat Offenders
Page 4: The Not-Ready-for-Prime-Time TUF Guys
Page 5: The Barely-Worth-Mentioning Washouts

Yes, it’s ugly, trashy and tasteless to include Arianny on this list. Just like this t-shirt. Props: UFCStore.com

MMA fighters aren’t exactly known for their fashion sense. So it should come as little surprise that most MMA t-shirt companies produce some pretty questionable designs. The rampant abuse of foil print, skulls, chains, tribal designs and nautical stars among most MMA t-shirts is bad enough on its own; even worse when you consider that they sell for thirty bucks a pop.

Which I guess makes it all the worse when a fighter makes his way to the cage covered in an “athletic fit” Old-English mess. Not only is the shirt revolting, but it’s going to sell for an outlandish sum of money, and be worn by every overweight Texas Roadhouse chef, milquetoast tech support geek and muscle-bound frat boy.

Perhaps the reason that we’ve never attempted an “Ugliest Walkout Shirts” post is because ranking these train wrecks is like ranking, well, actual train wrecks. No matter what order you place them in, you’re a total scumbag for attempting to rank a tragedy from most to least depressing. And besides, you’re clearly wrong about which one belongs at number three. For that reason, these will not be ranked, per se, but rather categorized. How you feel these shirts fall into place is up to you.

Let’s start with the most obvious category:

(Equinso Ocha: Always holding the black man down.) 

We could be wrong, because he speaks with a comprehensibility that would give a stenographer an aneurysm, but it definitely sounded like boxing great/MMA not-so-great James Toney just called former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson a “slave” in a recent interview with EsNewsReporting.com. Granted, he also claims that the UFC paid, and is still paying him, a grand total of 1.5 million dollars for his UFC 118 “fight” against Randy Couture, a notion that we know is complete and utter bullshit, but listen to what he had to say when asked about Rampage’s recurring plight with the UFC:

That’s what you get for being a slave to the white man. Don’t be scared. Step up and speak for yourself. That’s why I got paid the million-and-a-half dollars and am still getting paid by the UFC. You know what I’m sayin’? The highest paid fighter ever. You feel me, fat boy? Me. And you been there…what, twenty years and you’re getting paid pennies? While I make millions?

Rampage, if you wanna fight me boy? Come on down to the gym and I’ll give you a job first. …you could be the sparring partner. I pay $50 for a sparring partner.

First off, if you supposedly got paid $1.5 large at UFC 118, why is it that you only pay your sparring partners a measly fifty dollars? Who looks like an asshole now? You, Mr. Toney, that’s who.

Check out the video interview, along with our best attempt at transcribing it to English, after the jump. 

(Video courtesy of YouTube/MMAPain)

Sure, it’s not exactly proof that he’s a better athlete than a pro football player or that his pugilistic skills are better than James Toney’s, but you have to admit Gray’s numbers are at least a bit impressive.

The Sports Science lab measured the grip strength and the punching power of “The Bully” and it seems that doing rope climbs and hitting the heavy bag are paying off in dividends for Maynard.

(LOL @ Toney trying to form a sentence at the 0:41 mark. I mean, dementia pugilistica is a tragedy and all, but come on, that’s hilarious. Props: ESNEWS)

I guess it was too good to be true. According to a recent press release from the James Toney camp, the highly(-ish?) anticipated MMA superfight between Toney and UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has been delayed until early next year, which is probably just a nice way of telling us that it’s been canceled altogether. Instead, Lights Out will be focusing his efforts on boxing cruiserweight contender Denis Ledbedev, November 5th in Russia. If that fight comes together, it’ll be the first time since 2003 that Toney will compete at 200 pounds. Believe it, son.

BoxingInsider claims the Toney vs. Shamrock MMA match has “fallen apart over money issues.” Wait a minute, does that mean Chael Sonnen was right the whole time? As he so eloquently put it last month…

(Video courtesy of BallerStatus)

You would think that given the embarrassing loss he was handed by Randy Couture and the fact that he’s now set to fight Ken Shamrock in his return MMA bout, that James Toney would keep the names of UFC champions outta his mush mouth.

Apparently “Lights Out” done lost his mind on top of his language skills and is now calling out Rampage. James, Dana isn’t going to pay you a million again to throw a handful of jabs and flop around like a fish on your back until you tap out. The experiment is over just like the Kimbo experiment and just like the *sniff* PRIDE experiment. Deal with it.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/sugarrayhatton)

If you saw the movie “The Fighter” with Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale, you know who “Irish” Mickey Ward is. To the rest of us, he’s a former boxer who put in perhaps the best single round in boxing history against the late Arturro Gatti.

In an interview he recently did with East Side Boxing, Ward spoke about the influx of boxers crossing over to fight in MMA.

“I don’t really think that boxing needs saving, but [Mayweather fighting Pacquiao] would bring back a lot of people to the sport. I think it would bring a lot of interest back to boxing. I don’t think that boxing will ever go anywhere, because it’s the oldest sport there is. But there are a lot of people going to the MMA side,” Ward says. “You know what we need? We need the best fighters to fight the best fighters, and that way boxing would go back to where it was in the 70’s. Look at Bernard Hopkins; he will fight anyone in the world. He is the exception to the age rule. He is incredible.”

(Video courtesy of YouTube/FightHype)

Okay, maybe he didn’t name us specifically, but the aging veteran who used to be known as “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” told FightHype.com that any reporters who think he should walk away from the sport are idiots.

Using an odd analogy that reporters who had never stepped into the cage saying he should call it a career are like if when we’re old the doctors refuse us medicine because they’re saving it for some younger patients. So because doctors have never been old or had a disease like cancer, they aren’t qualified to treat someone who is or diagnose someone who has it? Makes perfect sense.

Instead of proving him right by responding in typical CP style, instead I’ve written an open letter to Ken Shamrock.

Check it out after the jump.

(James Toney, shown above with one boxing glove, one MMA glove, and an artist’s depiction of what he might look like if he lost 85 pounds.)

By Jared “DangadaDang” Jones

During its rise to popularity, Mixed Martial Arts has become known for the incredible physical conditioning, talent, and (depending whose side you’re on) heart of its athletes. It is a sport built on dedication; simply put, no amount of pink gloves and flirting with overweight TUF alums will make you an MMA fighter.

But as with any sport’s increase in mass appeal, MMA has seen its share of hacks, wannabes, scallywags and jabronis attempting to grab 15 more minutes of fame through a career in “that Ultimate Fighting stuff.” In light of James Toney’s continuing efforts to shake the MMA world with the use of side check kicks, I give you the five worst instances of C-to-D-list celebrities giving MMA the old community-college try.

5. Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson

The phrase “meteoric rise” comes to mind — one minute you were watching Kimbo smoke blunts in the background of semi-public orgies and the next he was being touted as the most formidable opponent to take Brock Lesnar’s crown. Mr. Ferguson landed on our radars through a series of brutal street fight videos in which he fought guys named “Afro Puff,” “Byrd,” “Chico,” and “Mayor McCheese.” These internet videos went viral so ferociously that the now-defunct EliteXC built him up to be their marquee star by feeding him other hopeless big lugs like “Bo” and “Tank.”

Kimbo was given his first “legitimate” opponent in James Thompson as the headlining bout of EliteXC: Primetime in May 2008. Despite possibly tapping to a guillotine in the first round and being on the receiving end of over 1,000 elbows in the second, Kimbo was able to pull off a rare standing-TKO of Thompson late in the third. (Good lookin’ out, Dan.)

(Video Props: LarryBrownSports.com)

Bad news: it’s starting to look like this thing is really happening. Worse news: as if the combatants themselves weren’t awful enough, the injection of special rules qualify it as an early runner for the least-meaningful highly-publicized fight ever.

(You’d better start sewing the dress for this little guy.)

There’s really no easy way to tell you this, so we’re just going to come right out and say it: As first reported by BJPenn.com, UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock and trash-talking boxing champ turned Randy Couture choke-victim James Toney have agreed to face each other in an MMA bout this fall. The original report pegged the match to an unnamed event in El Paso, Texas, on September 23rd, but Toney’s trainer Trever Sherman says the bout could happen in September or October, and that Texas was simply the most likely location at this point; more details will be hashed out this weekend between the two fighters’ camps.

Look, we all had a good time laughing at Toney’s misfortune after all the smack he talked leading up to his humiliating MMA debut at UFC 118.  But we gotta give him credit for getting back up on the horse. And to be brutally honest, he stands a much better chance against Shamrock, who hasn’t had much success over the last few years, outside of a plodding decision over the rotund Jonathan Ivey last year. (We’re not counting Shamrock’s 2009 submission over Ross Clifton as a legitimate victory, considering he tested positive for steroids after the fight, and Clifton was just seven months away from death at the time of the fight.)

(Considering the mostly-negative response to our “MMAshed Potato” host candidates, we figured we’d bring in a professional. Excellent use of the green-screen, buddy. /// Update: Having problems with the embed at the moment…click the image to watch the video.)

UFC 127: Penn vs. Fitch Weigh-In Results, Streamed and Updated Live Beginning at 10 p.m. ET (Lowkick)

James Toney Talks About the IRS Confiscating His Entire UFC 118 Purse (MiddleEasy)

Gegard Mousasi vs. Roger Gracie In Talks for April 9 Strikeforce Card (MMAWeekly)

Exclusive Video: The Ultimate Fighter 13 Tryouts (CageWriter)

Manny Gamburyan Pulls Out of UFC 128 With Back Injury (MMAFighting)

The 10 Most Ridiculous MMA Tattoos Of All Time (MTV Clutch)

9 Badass TV and Movie Characters That Don’t Talk (Guyism)

True Sh*t: Ten Movies the 2011 Academy Award Nominees Don’t Want You to See (Bullz-Eye)

Gemma Merna Unleashes Giant Cleavage in Loaded Magazine (BustedCoverage)

Hangover 2 Exclusive Teaser Trailer (TheRugged)

50 Mind Blowing Facts (OnlineSchools.org)

Lacrosse Fight Ends in Devastating Knockout (NothingToxic)

What You Can Learn From Her Tattoo (MadeMan)

Charlie Sheen’s Philosophies Examined And Discussed (HolyTaco)

(Video courtesy YouTube/UFC)

The best part of Dana White’s most recent video blog was getting to re-watch the UFC’s new Portuguese translator fail miserably at his job and basically get shit-canned on the spot by the company’s president within a few minutes of starting his new role with Zuffa at yesterday’s UFC 126 press conference. Seriously, we figured it was going to be tough for anyone to beat James Toney’s mark of 3:19, but this dude did it, and did it in style.

First the guy finishes one of his suspiciously brief translations of a long-winded response by Anderson Silva with, "That’s the essence of [what he said]," then he admitted that he wasn’t paying attention to one of the Brazilian reporter’s questions, which is odd considering it’s, I don’t know….HIS JOB to translate the questions and answers for the press conference.

White didn’t pull any punches with the disinterested translator who was hired in response to criticism that the UFC’s former translator, Ed Soares, was guilty of sugar coating and sometimes purposely mistranslating some of the less complimentary statements his fighters like Silva and Junior dos Santos made during post-fight interviews. When his latest hire screwed up, White snapped and told the guy, who seemed out of place in a room full of fight fans and reporters (to say the least) to hand the microphone to Soares.

Note to future applicants: Wait until your probation period is up before getting fired. That way you can at least walk away with benefits and a 401K. This dude barely had UFC entered as his employer on Facebook and now he has to explain to all the people in his book club and birdwatching society that he is unemployed again.

If 2010 was a cold beer, we’d be down to the backwash. December puts all of us MMA-pundit types in a reflective mood, and this year gave us a double-crapload of big stories, insane fights, rising stars, and utter embarrassments to wrap our heads around. And so, we’d like to pay tribute to 2010 in the best way we know how — sarcasm and insults, mostly. Without further ado, here are 15 things we felt were worthy of some end-of-year recognition, Potato-style…

The Giant Silva Freak Show Award, presented each year to the match that’s made strictly for gruesome entertainment value; fighters should ideally exhibit a tremendous difference in either size or experience level.
Winner: Randy Couture vs. James Toney at UFC 118, in which a tubby boxing champ trash-talked his way into a co-headling bout against an MMA legend, and got choked out before he was able to land a single punch. This marks the first time in eleven years that the Giant Silva Award hasn’t been granted to a fight held in Japan.
Also receiving votes this year: Herschel Walker vs. Greg Nagy

The Wanderlei Silva Unintentionally Homoerotic Smack Talk Award, known as "The Wandy" is presented each year to the fighter who, when trying to hype a fight, inadvertently makes reference to having gay sex with his (or her) opponent.
Winner: Josh Koscheck, for the utterly disturbing wild-eyed, tongue-waving description above of what he was planning to do to UFC welterweight champ Georges St-Pierre during this season of The Ultimate Fighter. 
Also receiving votes this year: Matt Horwich, for his cringeworthy rant about how he was going to Mike Tyson 10th Planet protagonist Renato Laranja.

The Natasha Wicks Memorial Best Female Newcomer Award, presented each year to the up-and-coming MMA ring girl — preferably blonde, as per the bylaws — who gets us to forget about Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer, if only for a moment.
Winner: Rhian Sugden, the stunning (and frequently-nude) star of the U.K.’s BAMMA promotion.
Also receiving votes this year: Kelli Hutcherson, Stephanie Ann Cook, Brittany Ward, Melissa Jo

("This thing used to be alive! LMFAO!" More Brock Lesnar hunting photos at Sherdog.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- Five Lessons: Strikeforce vs. UFC (Versus MMA Beat)

- Georges St. Pierre: Emphasis in Camp Was on Finishing Josh Koscheck (MMA Fighting)

– "When the Pitbull Bites" – Thiago Alves Documentary/Highlight Video From KahL-One (MMA Scraps)

- Jim Miller Is Patiently Waiting For His Shot (Heavy.com/MMA)

– Maia, Bonnar Lead TUF 12 Finale Salary List (MMA Convert)

– James Toney Calls Out Rampage Jackson by Claiming He’s a ‘Black Redneck’ (MiddleEasy)

– Exclusive Interview: George Sotiropoulos ‘Moving in the Right Direction’ Heading Into Fight With Dennis Siver (LowKick)

– Season-Winner Jonathan Brookins Tops List of TUF 12 Finale Suspensions (Five Ounces of Pain)

– Behind the Lens: Vitor Belfort (FightMagazine)

– SB Nation Exclusive: Stefan Struve Talks Path To UFC, Sean McCorkle And St. Pierre vs. Koscheck (SBNation.com/MMA)

(Cain Velasquez and George Lopez enjoy a PBJ and milk in honor of Brock Lesnar’s cracker-ass heritage. Props: fpvault)

– Five Lessons: UFC 121 Edition (Versus MMA Beat)

- Cesar Gracie Says Jake Shields Is the Guy to Beat GSP (FightMagazine)

– Dana White: Brock Lesnar Is Not Going Back to WWE (LowKick)

- Court McGee Not Entirely Pleased With Performance in UFC 121 Win (MMA Fighting)

– The IRS Put a Lien On James Toney’s UFC 118 Fight Purse (MMA Convert)

– Marquardt vs. Okami Winner Guaranteed Title Shot (Heavy.com/MMA)

– Bellator Finalizes Line-Up for Thursday Night’s Season-Ending Event (Five Ounces of Pain)

– Playboy Playmate LaTasha Marzolla Gets Her Arm Snapped in an MMA Bout (MiddleEasy)

– Herb Dean Talks Refereeing and Judging and His New Line of Condoms (MMA Scraps)

– UFC President Dana White Talks Jon Jones, Jose Aldo on the Fight Fix (SBNation.com/MMA)

("Yeah, yeah, the number is the number, now where the f*ck the buffet at?" Photo courtesy of Heavy.)

After James Toney performed about as well as we thought James Toney would at UFC 118 last month, Dana White stated that we’d seen the last of Lights Out in the Octagon. And that may be the case, but it’s not going to stop James from trying. (After all, he got his UFC gig in the first place by being an insufferable pest.) In a new story posted on Fighthype, Toney angles for a spot on the upcoming UFC 123: Rampage vs. Machida card, which will be held near his Detroit hometown. "If they want to sell any tickets in Detroit, they should put me on there," Toney said. "Bitch ass Rampage can’t sell no tickets in my hometown." 

Well that’s not very kind. Keep in mind that James Toney didn’t exactly prove to be a strong live draw himself, as UFC 118 was short a couple thousand seats of a sellout, even with Toney’s presence. And that was in Boston, a fantastic and well-populated city that MMA fans would actually want to travel to. Detroit, on the other hand, is a bombed-out wasteland that you would only pass through as a last resort. According to our own research, the only way to guarantee sales in Detroit is to book either Brock Lesnar or GSP against Violent J or Shaggy 2 Dope.

(Vitor Belfort is so badass that Mike Tyson wears his t-shirt. Meanwhile, James Toney’s shirt has been discounted from $49.98 to "free with any purchase at the Salvation Army.")

Since James Toney allowed himself to be humiliated (for a large paycheck) in a cage-fight at UFC 118, it’s only fair that a representative from the UFC should let Toney try to redeem himself in a boxing ring. Could an MMA star hang with a boxing champ with 12-ounce gloves, no leg kicks, no takedowns, player? If Vitor Belfort gets his way — and we sincerely hope he does — the MMA vs. boxing freak show timeline may get a unique new chapter. As the Phenom tweeted this weekend:

"Dana let me fight James Tony on 6 round boxe Mach I think I can catch him with my speed…Dana will be the 1 boxing match in Ufc I promise he will fell my power and we will show the world the a Ufc fighter can do better"

Okay, we all know that the UFC isn’t in the business of putting on six-round boxing matches, historically speaking. But giving Vitor a day-pass to box James Toney outside of his UFC contract sounds like great publicity to me. I know the dude has a #2 middleweight contender’s match lined up for November, but come on, Belfort wins this fight nine times out of ten and goes home to his nude model wife completely unscathed. And it shouldn’t surprise you that the Dark Emperor is down with the idea…

(That’s actually ketchup on James’s head. Randy tackled him so quickly that he didn’t even have time to put down the hot dog he was eating. / Photo courtesy of MMAFighting.com)

The UFC paid out $1,608,000 in disclosed salaries and bonuses to the fighters who competed at UFC 118, according to figures released by the Massachusetts State Athletic Commission. James Toney‘s whopping $500,000 salary led the payroll, putting him well ahead of fellow headliners Randy Couture ($250,000) and BJ Penn ($150,000). For you math aficionados out there, Toney earned over $2,500 per second in his UFC debut, which ended due to submission at the 3:19 mark of round 1. (Now calculate how much money you make per second at your job. Isn’t that hilarious?)

Keep in mind that the figures below don’t include additional compensation from sponsorships, undisclosed "locker room" bonuses, or cuts of the pay-per-view revenue that some UFC stars have in their contracts, which means that Randy Couture could have theoretically ended up with a bigger paycheck than James Toney. You know, if that helps you sleep at night.

Frankie Edgar: $96,000 (includes $48,000 win bonus)
def. B.J. Penn: $150,000

Randy Couture: $250,000
def. James Toney: $500,000

Demian Maia: $68,000
def. Mario Miranda: $8,000

Gray Maynard: $46,000 (includes $23,000 win bonus)
def. Kenny Florian: $65,000

(VidProps: YouTube/Goossen Tutor Boxing)

Honestly, most of this video with James Toney from Saturday night is totally unintelligible. Unfortunately, it’s also reportedly the only post-fight interview with “Lights Out” since, like the true sportsman we all know him to be, he no-showed the official UFC 118 press conference after his embarrassing loss to Randy Couture. Toney may not have been man enough to face the MMA media after throwing zero standing punches en route to tapping out to Couture’s side check choke – pretty sure that’s what it was – three minutes, 19 seconds into the first round, but he did make time to sit down with Rodney Hunt from Goossen Tutor Promotions, a company that represents Toney in boxing. So, yeah, an in-house interview with a paid yes man. You probably know where this is going …

(Please princess, let me up!!   photo credit: USA Today)

It appears that the James Toney experiment has gone the way of the Kimbo Slice experiment, as UFC president Dana White announced at the UFC 118 post-fight press conference that the promotion is done with boxer crossover fights.

"It’s been a fun ride with James," White said as if delivering a eulogy about Toney’s dead UFC career. "It’s been very interesting. He’s a nutty guy." 

White pointed out that he didn’t go out looking for the fight, but when it came knocking on his door, he figured, "Why not?" 

"Listen, I didn’t try to sell this thing as, ‘Tune in on Saturday night, and you’re going to see the most spectacular battle and a war…I basically said what I was hoping would happen. Anything can happen in a fight. James Toney picked this fight. We’re not after boxing," White explained. "We’re not trying to attack boxing. I love boxing, and I thought this question was answered back in 1993, but I’ve got to be honest, as we got closer to the fight, my stomach hurt, and I was a little dizzy and I was nervous."

 
(So at $1,000,000, you payin’ me $4,219 a pound, sucka!!)

Well, Potato Nation, tonight’s the night we’ve been waiting for for months. The question on everyone’s mind will finally be answered: "Is Will Forte really leaving Saturday Night Live?"

OK so maybe that’s not the question on everybody’s mind, but it’s definitely bugging Will’s agent and his parents.

Ben and ReX13 are off schmoozing at the UFC Fan Expo, where I would have been as well if I could cross the border (more on that at a later date, but I will tell you it involves a bar brawl and a Bruce Lee instructional book I’ve owned since I was 13) and  Chad Dundas is off the grid attending an Amish wedding, which leaves me here to supply you guys with some play-by play action from tonight’s festivities in Boston.

The co-main event will undoubtedly produce some differing opinions on James Toney’s place in the grand scheme of the UFC’s heavyweight division and the main event should decide whether or not BJ Penn simply had an off night in Abu Dhabi.

Before we get to it, we’d like to announce the winner of our Boston UFC Fan Expo. The winning ticket is #031014. If this is your number, send photographic proof to contest@cagepotato.com and we’ll hook you up with a $100 gift card to MMAWarehouse.com.

Here’s a glimpse of our uber-popular booth from the expo. Don’t let VivaHate’s nonplussed expression fool you, everyone had a blast this weekend and we got a ton of footage and interviews from fans and fighters.

Results and play-by-play after the jump.
Strap in and get ready. It’s sure to be a rocky ride.

(“Yeah, I get it, ‘UFC 124: ‘Expendable,’ that’s really funny … no, seriously, I’m laughing on the inside.” PicProps: Sherdog)

Look, I didn’t mean to get you all in a tizzy with that crazy stuff I said earlier. Rest assured, gentle reader, odds are very good that Randy Couture applies one of his world-renowned Brazilian Joint Locks to James Toney tonight and takes home an easy victory, probably sometime in the first round. After that, we’ll all have our fun with Toney, figuratively poking him in his airbrushed belly as we ship him off to wherever it is old boxers go to die. We’ll all probably act very smug and superior on our Twitter accounts for a few days, too.

Deep down, though, Couture’s victory will not cure my unease. For some while now, I’ve been wondering if the worst thing that could happen to Randy Couture at this stage in his career would be for him to beat James Toney at UFC 118. This is all just conjecture mind you, but I can’t escape the notion that whoever wins tonight might ride a groundswell of mainstream publicity right into a fight with Jon Jones, probably at the UFC’s end-of-the-year (or maybe Super Bowl weekend) pay-per-view.

(Keep laughing, KenFlo. It won’t be so funny when “Lights Out” brings the side check kick down to 155. PicProps: Heavy.com)

Sunday morning, you wake up. Splitting hangover headache. You roll over and nausea sweeps through your body. You will yourself not to puke. “Where am I,” you think, “and who is this fat chick?” The night before is a total blur. There are significant gaps. You remember being at the bar, yelling unintelligible shit at a TV. Some guy you don’t know kept buying you shots. You might’ve left a bunch of voicemails for that girl you like. After that you must – wait — then it hits you. Holy fucking shit. Randy Couture fucking LOST to James Toney last night.

Scary though huh, PotatoNation? Consider the above paragraph a kind of public service announcement. Some don’t-let-this-happen-to-you type shit. Here at The Potato we are nothing if not realists. We believe wholeheartedly in expecting the best while preparing for the worst, or whatever the terrible cliché says we ought to do. For that reason, it’s probably a good idea that we all spend a few minutes considering the possibility that Toney might actually beat Couture at tonight’s UFC 118. You know, just in case. It won’t be easy, but we can get through this together.

(If you don’t look in his eyes, Randy, you won’t be hypnotized into standing and trading with him.)

Just a reminder that the weigh-ins for tomorrow night’s brouhaha in Boston will be live here at 4:00 pm. 

A number of questions will be answered, like:

Is James Toney really in shape?

Did Gabe Ruediger really quit cake?

Will Chandella give Arianny the stink eye for getting a Playboy cover?

UFC media player is after the jump.

(Video courtesy YouTube/MMAFighting)

There must be something in the water in Boston that’s making the fighters turn on Ariel Helwani. First BJ Penn questioned the MMA Fighting reporter about whether or not he liked him and now we have James Toney wrestling the microphone from Helwani after asking him if he dislikes boxing and calling him a clown.

"This guy’s a clown right here…Give me the goddamn mic….Give it to me," Toney said as he struggled to pry the microphone from Helwani’s hands.

When he finally did get the mic from Helwani, Lights Out tried to sign off from the interview.

"This is James Toney Reporting for this goddamn station, whatever it is," Toney deadpanned. "I’m outta here."

(Video courtesy YouTube/UFC StannFan1)

The hype behind this weekend’s James Toney-Randy Couture showdown has focused largely around the "Is MMA better than Boxing?" quandary, which, up until this point has never really been answered, and in my opinion really won’t be answered by this fight.

The question really should be "Who would win in a fight between a top-tier boxer and a top-tier MMA fighter?"