(Striking fear in the hearts of buffet owners everywhere.)

Now that James Toney has signed with the UFC and hired a trainer known primarily for his boxing expertise, you might think he’d be hard at work trying to get a feel for this MMA stuff. If this were a movie, this is the point where some inspiring, upbeat music would accompany a training montage that shows Toney’s rapid improvement in the span of just a few minutes. But this isn’t a movie; this is real life. And in real life, “Lights Out” isn’t really that worried about anyone taking him down and laying on top of him.

As Toney told MMAFighting.com, he still has yet to do any actual MMA sparring, but has been shown some “basics” by Juanito Ibarra. He’s also “tried a little kickboxing and wrestling,” but isn’t too concerned since it’s “all hand-to-hand combat.” In other words, don’t even trip. Toney has got this under control, playa.

(I hope you’re working hard, James, because Kimbo is working double-hard.)

It’s not enough for the UFC to simply hold an event the same day their rivals are holding one. No, gentle readers, what Dana White may have in mind is far more savage. In an update on the Strikeforce: Nashville counter-programming situation, Sherdog passes along the following amazing detail:

Tennessee Athletic Commission Executive Director Jeff Mullen says that the UFC has not yet applied for a permit, but if this actually happens, holy shit. This is basically something Keyser Soze would do if he was running an MMA promotion. Again, overall TV ratings would still lean in favor of Strikeforce, but the UFC could steal a lot of the local heat in Nashville depending on who’s on the card. Although the proposed Mike Swick vs. Matt Serra match isn’t happening due to Swick’s impending arm-surgery, Carmichael Dave drops the rumor that James Toney vs. Kimbo Slice is being prepared as the main event for the UFC’s April 17th show.

Kind of short-notice for Lights Out, but it’s not like he was planning on getting his blue belt in BJJ before stepping into the Octagon. He’s working with a fucking boxing coach to prepare for his MMA debut, okay? He doesn’t plan on anybody laying on top of him like a lil’ fag, you feel me? All of this is still unconfirmed, but we hope it goes down, just so we can hear Dana White explain why Dan Henderson vs. Jake Shields is a freak show, while Kimbo vs. Dark Gable is legitimate MMA…

Here at the Potato, we realize that many of our readers are longtime boxing fans, while others among you still haven’t gotten around to watching “Rocky IV” yet (spoiler alert: it’s awesome). With that in mind we realized that some of you might be wondering, what’s this James Toney dude all about? Is he good or something?

The short answer to that question is, he used to be. He also used to be much leaner and quicker, but hell, so did Kirstie Alley. It still doesn’t do her any good in the present day. The things about Toney that have endured into his early forties are his ability to take a punch (in 83 pro fights, he’s never been knocked out), and his complete willingness to say outrageous stuff. The big difference now is that the outrageous stuff is a lot harder to understand, and he makes up for his slower hand speed by being harder to hit.

How will that translate into MMA? Well, if he tries to slip punches by bending over at the waist all the time, not good. That’s great for boxing, but just begging for a kick or knee to the dome in MMA. He’ll also have to learn all new footwork if he wants to stay upright against a decent grappler. Of course, there’s also the issue of conditioning, which is impossible not to mention once you’ve seen what the guy’s physique has looked like at times. Check out some Toney highlights after the jump and ask yourself, when we factor in the stopping power of his side check kick, could I see this man counter-punching his way to victories over experienced MMA fighters?

(Image courtesy of twitter.com/Randy_Couture)

Guys, we had the craziest dream last night. We dreamed that the UFC signed James Toney to a multi-fight deal and he was actually training with…HOLY SHIT, NOOOOOOOOO! This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!

Anyway, here’s some more notes about the aspiring porn star known as Dark Gable…

— Toney’s UFC contract would still allow him to box. Said Dana White: "If we promote him and he does well and that raises his profile and he gets a [Vitali] Klitschko fight and makes a lot of money for himself…I’d be cool with that."

— Randy Couture wants to fight Toney first. Seriously, he mentioned it twice on Twitter. Putting a UFC legend against somebody who’s 0-0 in MMA would definitely fall under the category of "almost criminal, not to mention impossible to get sanctioned in the U.S." Not that the UFC would need to set up the fight in the states… 

— What’s more, this is the caliber of fight that Toney expects to get during his run in the Octagon. As he told Yahoo!, “I’m a main event fighter and I’ve been a main event fighter since before a lot of these punk-(expletive) fighters were out of the crib. Don’t give me that (expletive) about fighting on the undercard. People want to see James Toney and I’m going to give them what they want.”

(Friends forever. Or until somebody steals from somebody else like a total scumbag. Sorry, alleged scumbag. Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

As much as we were hoping that James Toney would get smart and head down to Greg Jackson’s New Mexico gym for a little MMA 101 and some positive reinforcement/visualization sessions, it seems like he has other plans. MMA Junkie reports that Toney has tapped Juanito Ibarra to help him transition from boxing into MMA. You remember Ibarra, right? Dude with the hat, used to train “Rampage” Jackson, then allegedly screwed him out of a bunch of money, which led to ‘Page living on energy drinks until his mind went all looney tunes on him and he ended up face down on the pavement after police chased his monster truck through the streets of southern California? And once Jackson dumped him he reportedly offered to train other UFC light heavyweights to beat his former fighter?  Yeah, that’s the guy.

Ibarra says that he and Toney “have good personal chemistry,” adding, “I just don’t jump in with anybody.”

We’re not sure if that means Ibarra is one of the few people on the planet who can actually understand the words coming out of Toney’s mouth these days, or whether it just means that they don’t actively hate each other. We don’t mind saying that Toney could have done better (and, you know, less sleazy) in his search for an MMA trainer, but as long as he keeps one hand on his wallet and demands to see an itemized list of training camp expenditures, he should make out okay.

(Apparently it doesn’t even matter if no one can understand a single word you say, either.)

Well, it’s happened. According to a report on FiveOuncesofPain.com, which was then confirmed by MMAFighting.com, the UFC has signed heavyweight boxing champion James Toney to a multi-fight deal. I’m going to give you a moment to process that information before we move on…

First of all, let us be the first to say, Are you fucking kidding us? Then let us follow that up with, You’re fucking kidding us, aren’t you? Once that’s out of our system, we have to admit that while we publicly supported this idea, we never thought it would really happen. Now that it has, all we can do is stare out the window in numb silence, a tepid puddle of drool collecting in our laps, while our minds spin with all the possible opponents the UFC might put him up against first.

(Props: Cagewriter)

At least now we know that the difficulty we had understanding James Toney’s previous video rants was not the result of poor video equipment and low production value.  Dark Gable showed up on the Versus show "Sports Soup" to deliver yet another Dana White/UFC call-out, and once again we only understood every fourth word.  Something about candy and Chuck Liddell being "daddy’s little girl."  Other than that it was like trying to understand a voicemail that your very drunk friend left you at three a.m.  You know he’s saying something about what a bitch his ex-girlfriend is, but the details remain hazy.

The most interesting thing about this is that it happened on Versus, which is the UFC’s newest cable network sweetheart.  That’s not to say that the UFC necessarily instructed them to let Toney wander into their studio and then refuse to leave, but chances are good that they probably did not disapprove of the free publicity either, or else it might never have happened at all.  Now we just sit back and wait for Toney’s guest spot on Spike TV’s "Blue Mountain State," where he ambles into the frame to interrupt a date rape scene by calling out "Simba Spice" and imploring the UFC to get their money right and make him a real offer.       

(Props: MMA Scraps)

If the internet age has taught us anything, it’s that by the time you start posting videos of yourself pleading for someone to give you something, you have passed a point of no return.  For whatever reason, people stop taking your requests seriously once they see you shouting into a cheap video camera while your boys mill around impatiently behind you.  Bonus points if you pause your video rant to say hello to a "beautiful girl" off camera who may or may not actually exist, and may or may not actually be beautiful. 

This is James Toney‘s second "UFC call out" video, and by far the more entertaining of the two.  The fact that he’s pumping these out now probably means that negotiations have stalled after Dana White made an offer that Toney described as "a joke."  So now he’s resorted to semi-coherent DIY video productions to get his big money fight in the UFC.  Yeah, that’s probably been the missing piece of the puzzle all along.

If I could ask the internet to grant me one wish, it would be for someone to break into Brock Lesnar‘s home, tie him to a chair, force him to watch this video, and record his reaction for us all to see.  I realize that’s a tall order, but maybe we could get Big Stacks there to do it.  If he’s James Toney’s bodyguard, I’m guessing he’s done a lot crazier stuff for a lot less reward. 

(You don’t interview James Toney. You merely hold a mic near his face and wait for something confusing and almost terrible to happen.)

It’s been a little over a week since we’ve heard any rumblings from James Toney about his desire to fight in the UFC.  Maybe that means he’s changed his mind and will instead be bringing his formidable side check kick skills to K-1?  Not so fast.  Toney seems to be staying focused on his goals, and recently he told FightHype.com that he knows he can do well in MMA because he once sparred with Andrei Arlovski and, at least to hear Toney tell it, things didn’t go well for our Belarussian friend:

"I sparred with Arlovski before.  It was ugly.  They had to pull me off of him.  They didn’t want to let that go on too long."

This quote doesn’t tell us whether they sparred in boxing or MMA, but we’re going to go ahead and say that it probably wasn’t Toney’s head kicks that floored Arlovski, if you catch our drift.  Arlovski has been looking into a boxing career for some time now, but maybe a beating from Toney made him rethink that.  Of course, maybe it also made Toney start thinking about an MMA career.  ‘Cause hey, Arlovski used to be a UFC champ.  If Toney can beat him up, he can beat up anyone.  Isn’t that right, Brett Rogers?

(Props: Uppercut Magazine, via CP contributor Elias Cepeda.)

I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.  Here’s UFC president Dana White sitting down and having what appears to be a serious conversation about James Toney fighting in the UFC.  I realize that’s what he said he was going to do after Toney ambushed him at the UFC 108 post-fight press conference, but I guess I just assumed that it would be one of those meetings where he professes a vague interest and then never calls Toney back.  Sort of like what the people at Paramount keep doing to me when I pitch them my script about the dog who learns to fly a plane so he can go find the family that left him for dead in the animal shelter, and then murder them all in their sleep.  It’s a fun summer romp.

DW is asking all the right questions here — can Toney wrestle? does he have any takedown defense aside from an unshakable conviction that he won’t ever end up on the ground? is he familiar with what getting kicked in the leg feels like?  Call me crazy, but when Toney says he knows all about the "front kick, back kick, side check kick, all of that," I’m not 100% convinced.

(James Toney: the worst-case scenario of Thomas Jefferson’s dream.)

…he’d like to put your mind at ease in this interview with FightHype.com:

“They talking about ground game? That don’t mean nothing to me dog. Number one, I ain’t going to allow none of them boys to lay on top of me like a lil’ fag, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t going to the ground; that ain’t happening, you know what I’m saying?

…I know a lot of them thinking they would fuck me up and they gonna shoot in on me and all of that, but I ain’t going to the ground; that ain’t happening. I got one of the best mixed martial arts trainers in the world, which is my daddy. You know what I’m saying? He is one of the original death fighters. They fought to the death like in them movies, but it’s a matter of time. I will be ready to go.”

You know how when you’re a kid and your parents tell you things that might be exaggerations of the truth, or even just outright lies, and they don’t see any harm in it as long as it makes for a good bedtime story and gets you to go to sleep so they can have ten peaceful minutes alone at night to sip brandy and stare out at the driveway?  It’s possible that James Toney‘s dad took things a little too far with his yarns about fighting to the death, like in them movies.

(Ariel Helwani gets his interview time with Dana White rudely interrupted.)

The entertaining little mating dance between Dana White and James Toney may have finally reached the point where a decision is inevitable. After Toney materialized in Las Vegas this weekend to call out DW yet again, it ought to be clear enough that he isn’t going to get bored and lose interest all on his own. Partly that’s because Toney probably doesn’t have a whole lot else going on in his life, but partly it’s because, whatever you think of his abilities as a fighter, dude is persistent.

If White doubted that before, he doesn’t after Toney appeared like a mumbling angel on his shoulder this weekend. It’s time to either set the guy up with a fight or else stop letting him into these damn press conferences.

Since option number two is obviously no fun, I vote for option number one. Toney may be a 41-year-old, semi-brokedown former boxing great. His best years, along with his days of speaking clearly and coherently, may be behind him. If he were signing on to fight for another MMA organization, White would be quick to cite all that as evidence that his competitors don’t respect the sport or its fans.

(Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Though UFC 108 had a lot of great finishes and battles to choose from, the recipients of the traditional end-of-night bonuses should come as no suprise. Picking up the $50,000 bumps are:

– Knockout of the Night: Paul "Semtex" Daley, for the IED he detonated on Dustin Hazelett.

– Submission of the Night: Cole Miller, for his inverted triangle on Dan Lauzon; I know it’s early, but I’m sure we’ll be seeing that one on "Best of 2010" lists.

– Fight of the Night: Sam Stout and Joe Lauzon. After suffering through Lauzon’s takedowns and elbows in the opening minutes, Stout put on the striking performance of his life en route to a lopsided decision.

Other notes on the evening…

(Keep an eye out for the James Toney workout tape, in stores now.  Makes a perfect Christmas gift for people you hate.)

Don’t ask us why, but former boxing great James Toney has got it in his head that he wants to fight in the UFC. Maybe he’s just that blissfully unaware of the full compliment of skills it takes to compete at that level of MMA. Maybe he’s punch-drunk and is not in complete control of what comes out of his mouth. Maybe he’s just in dire need of some attention/money. Whatever the root cause is, he tried to bolster his case while attending UFC 107 in Memphis last weekend, and it sounds like he didn’t quite make the stellar impression that he seems to believe he did:

“I met up with Dana. He was cool and said we could do business. We exchanged numbers and I texted him all night, ‘Don’t forget chicken shit!’ But I was sitting behind Chuck Liddell and I could tell he was uncomfortable with my presence. …I think I can break records with the UFC. I would fight Kimbo Slice, Chuck Liddell, or Randy Couture. Brock Lesnar, too. He could get it and we would do a ton of buys.”