(You know what, bro, put down that birthday cake. You don’t deserve it anymore.)

MMA’s drug-failure tally has gotten off to a fast start in 2013, with two notable fighters already netted by the UFC’s independent testing. Here’s the promotion’s official statement via UFC.com:

“Rousimar Palhares tested positive for elevated testosterone and Joey Beltran tested positive for nandrolone, following their respective bouts at UFC on FX 6 in Australia. The UFC organization has a strict, consistent policy against the use of any illegal and/or performance-enhancing drugs, stimulants or masking agents. Both athletes have agreed to serve a nine-month suspension retroactive to December 14. They must pass a drug test upon completion of the suspension before receiving clearance to compete again.”

Palhares was knocked out by Hector Lombard on the “Sotiropoulos vs. Pearson” main card, marking Toquinho’s second-straight KO loss. Between his losing skid and the fact that this isn’t even his first suspension while under contract with the UFC, Palhares is on very thin ice. As for Beltran, the light-heavyweight slugger defeated Igor Pokrajac by decision during the UFC on FX 6 prelims. That win will likely be changed to a no-contest.

Update: Joey Beltran denies taking any illegal substances, and is laying the groundwork for a tainted supplements defense. His statement (via twitter) is after the jump…

(Censored version via LarryBrownSports)

After suffering a gruesome injury to his big toe in training, UFC light-heavyweight Anthony Perosh will not be making his scheduled date with Joey Beltran at UFC on FX 6 (December 15th; Queensland, Australia). The news was first reported by Australian journalist Adam Ireland, who tweeted this horrible, uncensored look at the toe-break with the following explanation:

Anthony had surgery a few days ago. No replacement named by the @ufc yet…The injury happened when Anthony attempted a routine takedown and his toe got stuck in/between 2 mats…Got off the phone to an understandably upset Anthony half an hour ago fellas – surgery, pins, the works…@AnthonyPerosh will revisit the surgeon tomorrow with an aim to be training again in 4-6 weeks.

Perosh, who is coming off a brutal seven-second knockout loss to Ryan Jimmo, now joins Neil Melanson and Miguel Torres’s homeboy in the Jacked-Up Toe Hall of Fame. Beltran has lost his last three fights in the UFC, but won a Fight of the Night award in his most recent decision loss to James Te-Huna at UFC on Fuel: Munoz vs. Weidman. We’ll let you know if the Mexecutioner gets a new dance partner for the 12/15 card. Update: Igor Pokrajac will step in for Perosh.

After the jump: Our brave attempt to turn Anthony Perosh’s disgusting broken toe into an inspirational Internet meme.

Sure, UFC 148 had countless hours of commercials and press conferences, but did you get a look at this poster?!? (Photo: UFC.com)

It’s been four days and two hundred Chael posts since we last took you for a guided tour of the Octagon, but by god we’re ready to do it again, brother. At your service this eve is weekend foreman Chris Colemon. Treat him well, kids.

All ten fighters made weight last night, though three had to pull a Rousey just to hit the mark. In the evening’s main event, Mark Munoz will look to rebound from stomach-turning elbow surgery as he takes on Chris Weidman. Munoz has flirted with a title shot before, but can he get through the highly-regarded, undefeated Weidman to get back on track?

Riding shotgun on the card are Joey Beltran and James Te Huna. The Mexicutioner picked up a victory and a tapeworm while away from the UFC; he returns tonight as a light heavyweight to slug it out with the heavy-handed Kiwi. Someone’s getting concussed.

All of the cool kids are inside talking about the fights. If you’re cool, you’ll join us too.

(TICKLE FIGHT!! Photo via MMAMania.)

Though it lacked the shoulder-checking excitement of the UFC 148 weigh-ins, last night’s UFC on FUEL 4 weigh-ins were not without their fair share of close calls. Mainly, that of Rafael Natal, Francis Carmont, and Alex Caceres, who all had to drop trou in order to make weight for their scheduled contests with Andrew Craig, Karlos Vemola, and Damacio Page, respectively. Caceres went au naturale right off the get-go to make 136, whereas Natal and Carmont managed to shed a pound following the aforementioned removal of their trousers, which must have been lined with a paper thin piece of iron or had a ham sandwich in the back pocket. Mark Munoz, on the other hand, squeaked in at the 186 pound limit for his main event matchup with fellow wrestling standout Chris Wediman.

And speaking of ham sandwiches/UFC 148, Subway aficionado Jay Glazer sat down alongside Ariel Helwani and recently dispatched middleweight contender Chael Sonnen to break down tonight’s main event, as well as discuss Sonnen’s UFC 148 loss and his future in the sport after the weigh-ins had concluded. We gotta give props to Glazer, who came right out and asked Sonnen, “What the hell were you thinking with that spinning elbow?” to which Sonnen responded in good humor, “I wish I could tell you…but I fell down like a doofus and I gotta live with it.” That you do, Chael. That you do.

Check out both of those videos and the full weigh-in results after the jump, and make sure to swing by CagePotato at 7 p.m. EST, where we will be liveblogging all the action in between heated games of Battleshots.

(That moment when you realize that you just sharted in plain sight of a couple hundred people…and there’s nothing you can do about it.) 

If the great Injury Curse of summer 2012 has given us anything to sing about, it is this matchup, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, the same plague that has cost us Lombard vs. Stann, Shogun vs. Silva, Faber vs. Cruz III, Alves vs. Bahadurzada, other Silva vs. Belfort, and perhaps most devastatingly, Fitch vs. Simpson, has finally managed to provide a silver lining in the gray cloud resting over the next couple of months, as minute as it may be.

Just four months after being released from the UFC following a first round knockout at the hands of Lavar Johnson, it appears that the man with perhaps the greatest racially-themed nickname in all of MMA, Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran, is on his way back to the promotion. Barring any last minute injuries that are sure to happen, Beltran is tentatively scheduled to take on hard hitting New Zealander James Te Huna, who was left without a dance partner after Brandon Vera was inexplicably paired with Mauricio Rua for the main event of UFC on FOX 4.

Beltran broke the news via his Twitter account yesterday evening:

back in the @ufc vs James TeHuna july 11 @FUELTV lets do this!

(Is that Brazilian Walnut I am standing on? Classy.) 

Called it.

As told to FightersOnly magazine by none other than Joey Beltran himself, it appears that the UFC has released “The Mexicutioner” following his first round “kickstand KO” (Props to Stak40 for coining the term) loss to Lavar Johnson at UFC on Fox 2. The loss was Beltran’s fourth in his last five outings but his first ever to come via form of (T)KO. In regards to his release, Beltran stated the following:

I am truly grateful for all the opportunities that I have received from the UFC/Zuffa. I am not sad or hurt by their decision as I know that winning is the name of the game. Posting  a 1-4 record my last 5 fights is unacceptable regardless of how entertaining the fights were. So this is the next chapter of my career, and one that I am excited for. You will definitely see my ugly face again so fans don’t worry and haters keep on hating. 

We know the Internet is a cold, harsh place, but what person claiming to be a fan of MMA would hate Joey Beltran?

By now, you know the deal when it comes to Dana White’s videoblogs, and today’s “episode” is no different. Taking a behind-the-scenes look at the aftermath of the UFC’s second Fox event, the UFC 143 videoblog contains the familiar mix of upper and downer moments, with an emphasis on the downer. Especially tough to watch is Joey Beltran’s realization that his Zuffa career may have reached a temporary standstill in the wake of his first round KO loss to Lavar Johnson. Keep your chin up, “Mexicutioner.”

Let’s get right to the highlights.

(0:45) - Jon Jones, seen here for the last time before disappearing into a thicket of notes from which he has yet to emerge.

(1:22) – God damn it, will someone give Beltran a hug and tell him that everything is going to be alright?

(1:40) – Eric Wisely, still in awe of the calf-slicer Charles Oliveira was able to pull on him. The pain was apparently so incredible that Wisely has trouble explaining to the backstage physician where exactly the strain was.

(2:48) – Jon Jones explains how Cub Swanson is one of the “nastiest dudes” on Team Jackson. He makes a good point.

Swanson vs. Roop provided an early candidate for Side-Punchface of the Year. Props: UFC.com

Remember how last night, you invited your non-MMA fan friends over to introduce them to our sport? You spent the past week talking about how Chael Sonnen is one of the best trash talkers in professional sports, and how technical and talented these fighters were. You figured that after three fights that were guaranteed to be exceptional, your friends would be won over to MMA fandom. Then you’d continue to drink and be merry all night, and we’d all meet up here today for our traditional post-UFC event GIF party where we all high five over how awesome the fights were.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, you found yourself doing damage control as you watched three fights worth of sloppy brawling, wall and stall and Chael Sonnen’s blatant swaggerjacking of homage to “Superstar” Billy Graham. You tried to convince them that the fights are usually nothing like this, and that these guys gassing out and the end of the first round are world class athletes. Eventually, one of your friends said “I bet Pacquiao would destroy ANY of these guys” as the rest of your friends grabbed their coats and said they’d call you next time they wanted to watch the fights.

Okay, so last night sucked. But we’ve been planning this party all week, and we’ll be damned if we cancel it at this point. So grab an alcoholic beverage, put on your gaudiest Affliction shirt and join us for our traditional post-UFC event GIF Party.

As always, praise be to Zombie Prophet at IronForgesIron.com for the GIFS.

Totally illegal in NCAA competition. (Photo: UFC.com)

“It’s usually not like this.” With that text I found myself apologizing to a UFC-virgin for the first time in a long time. My friend had just told me that she was at home watching the the show on FOX, without any provocation from me mind you. “This is that fighting you like, right???”. I assured her that the event had yet to capture the energy and excitement indicative of the sport. “I’m going back and forth between this and figure skating,” she replied. I can’t really say I blame her, either.

While we expected plenty of grappling in the bouts themselves, the wrestling theme seemed to carry on throughout the production at large. The usually-charismatic Jon Jones wrestled with his notes, relying on them not just for in-depth fight analysis but for simple things like his thoughts on fighting Rashad. The opening act wrestled with fatigue, leading to a performance as exhausting for fans as it was for the competitors in the cage. And once again, FOX wrestled with an underwhelming broadcast that left the most exciting action behind in the prelims.

Enough belly aching about the show itself, let’s take a look at what made such a promising event so forgettable for the masses.

(Chad Griggs: Funkiest white man alive. / Photo by Esther)

Two of Strikeforce’s hardest-hitting heavyweight prospects are getting some good news this Christmas* season. According to new reports, Chad Griggs and Lavar “Big” Johnson have inked contracts with the UFC, meaning that they’ll still have jobs after Strikeforce disbands its big-man division next year.

Though he’s perhaps best known for his incredible muttonchops, Chad “The Grave Digger” Griggs (11-1) has gone on a three-fight tear under the Strikeforce banner, beating up Bobby Lashley last August at Strikeforce: Houston, then scoring back-to-back first-round stoppages against Gianpiero Villante and Valentijn Overeem in Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix reserve bouts this year. The Arizona native hasn’t lost a fight since April 2007. The date and opponent for his next fight are still TBA, but Griggs is expected to make his Octagon debut in early 2012.

(Stipe Miocic vs. William Penn, 4/16/11)

Out of the 22 fighters competing on this Saturday’s UFC 136: Edgar vs. Maynard III card, only one will be stepping into the Octagon for the first time. That man is Stipe Miocic, an undefeated 29-year-old Croatian-American from Ohio who will be facing Joey Beltran during the prelims. So how does a guy with just six fights, who’s beaten nobody you’ve ever heard of, get an invitation to the big show? By being one of the most decorated blue-chip prospects the UFC heavyweight division has seen since Cain Velasquez. Seriously. Just check out his credentials…

("Take a deep breath, Joey. This will all be over soon.")

When Pat Barry left Joey Beltran laying in a heap barely able to get up at the end of their heavyweight scrap on Saturday night, choosing Beltran as the winner of the bout seemed like an unlikelihood unless you were Cecil Peoples. 

It depends on who you ask, I guess.

According to Fight Metric, "The Mexecutioner" landed more punches in the bout even if they were ineffective for the most part. Beltran is of the opinion that he did enough to win and that besides the unintentional eye poke he took in the third round which led to a just stoppage, referee Mario Yamasaki all but cost him the fight by calling for breaks and restarts when the two fighters seemed to be stalling on the cage and by stopping the fight when Beltran had an advantageous position when Pat claimed to be kicked in the berries.

(No hard feelings? PicProps: AvantguardBJJ)

Shameless plug: Our man Pat Barry will appear on next week’s episode of the Bum Rush podcast and our interview with him – which taped yesterday – is reportedly pretty awesome. If you’re not already listening to the show (wait, you’re not already listening to the show???) next week would be a good time to buy a ticket for the Bum Rush express. Seriously, get on that shit.

But we digress, Barry also talked to some other “media outlets” this week about his upcoming fight with Joey Beltran at Fight for the Troops 2 next Saturday and the results are typically entertaining. Case in point: Barry’s interview with MMA Weekly, where it becomes clear that he’s been studying a lot of film to get ready for Beltran. George Romero films, mostly.

(Damn, Anthony, if you can’t get psyched around this crowd, we don’t know what to tell you.)

One day, mankind will realize that fighting is a counter-productive act, leading to only misery and division. Until then…

— Returning from his painful loss to Mirko Cro Cop in June, UFC heavyweight Pat Barry will step back into the Octagon against Joey "The Mexicutioner" Beltran at UFC Fight for the Troops 2. Beltran is also looking to get back to the W column, having dropped a decision to Matt Mitrione at UFC 119.

— Former WEC bantamweight champ Miguel Torres continues his path back to contendership against Antonio Banuelos at UFC 126 in February. Torres recently snapped a two-fight losing skid by choking at Charlie Valencia at WEC 51. Banuelos outpointed Chad George at the same event, and has won four of his last five.

(VidProps: YouTube/Heavy.com)

Gotta be honest, Joey Beltran is not at all what I expected.  The gentleman who appears in the above video seems far too sensible, far too well-adjusted and far too agreeable to multiple wardrobe changes to also be a guy called “The Mexicutioner” whose calling card is that he likes to knock his opponents’ jaws into the third row. In fact, the Beltran we meet in this interview with Heavy.com seems to be a pretty fun-loving dude. Even when the topic turns to his fight with Matt Mitrione at UFC 119 this weekend, Beltran takes on a friendly, matter-of-fact tone while explaining how badly he plans to whip that ass.

(Hopefully the governor of Indiana can grant Meathead a stay of mexicution. / Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

As first reported by MMA Junkie, the UFC is preparing to make its first-ever stop in the state of Indiana, as UFC 119 is on the docket for September 25th in Indianapolis. The Hoosier State began regulating mixed martial arts last year, and is finally being rewarded for their good behavior. At this point, the only rumored matchup on the card is a heavyweight tilt between Matt Mitrione and Joey "The Mexicutioner" Beltran, who were both victorious in their bouts at UFC 113. The show is expected to take place at the 18,000-seat Conseco Fieldhouse. As Indianapolis is dead-center in the middle of a state that’s sandwiched between Illinois and Ohio, you can expect to see a lot of Midwest talent on the card. However, Indiana-bred UFC standouts Jon Fitch and Chris Lytle would be unlikely to compete at the event due to prior engagements.

("Don’t worry about it, Rolles. Listen, why don’t you stick around Vegas for a while and learn the casino trade?" Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Following his ugly loss to Joey "The Mexecutioner" Beltran last Saturday at UFC 109, Rolles Gracie has reportedly been cut from the UFC, joining Mark Coleman, Phillipe Nover, Tim Hague, and Frank Trigg in the list of fighters who didn’t make it out of that show with their jobs intact.

It’s not a common occurrence for a new UFC fighter to immediately get cut if they lose their debut, but Rolles wasn’t just any prospect — his last name gave him a lot to live up to. Whether the pressure came from Dana White or the fighter’s humiliated uncle, there may have been concern about Rolles tarnishing the Gracies’ UFC legacy with any more godawful performances. As a 3-1 fighter, his story is by no means over. But he’ll need a little more seasoning before he makes a return to the bright lights and high pressure of MMA’s biggest stage.

(Funny, I don’t remember this position being taught in those Gracie Jiu-Jitsu instructional videos. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

Being a Gracie in MMA is a little like being a Kennedy in American politics – for better or worse, there are certain expectations. We realize Rolles Gracie had only his fourth professional fight at UFC 109 on Saturday night, so we didn’t expect him to burst on the scene like the second coming of Rickson. We did, however, expect him to beat a guy who took the bout on a few days’ notice, and whose most significant career win thus far was a knockout of Houston Alexander in January.

For the first few minutes things seemed to be going as planned. Then Rolles turned into an exhausted zombie, plodding flat-footed and open-mouthed around the Octagon before eventually giving up altogether and lying flat on his stomach as he waited for the referee to get bored enough to stop the bout.

A lot of trainers might try and soft-pedal their disappointment out of regard for the guy’s feelings after a fight like that. Renzo Gracie is not one of those trainers. Talking to GracieFighter.com, he called the performance “embarrassing,” adding:

(Rolles Gracie vs. Sam Holloway, 9/20/07)

A quick look at the four fresh talents who will be hunting for success in the Eight-Sided Shape on Saturday night…

PHIL DAVIS (LHW)
Experience: 4-0 record (3 wins by first-round stoppage) in various regional leagues. Last competed in June ’09, choking out David Baggett at a UCFC event in Pittsburgh.
Will be fighting: Brian Stann (8-2, 2-1 UFC)
Lowdown: They call him "Mr. Wonderful." A four-time All-American and 2008 Division I National Wrestling Champion for Penn State, Davis began his MMA education with Greg Jackson before moving to San Diego, where he now works out with Brandon Vera at the Alliance Training Center. His fighting mentality was instilled in him from an early age, as he had to scrap with his two older brothers for two available seats at their family’s dinner table. By the age of 12, Davis was “eating dinner almost every night.” [Ed. note: Wow, that's kind of fucked up.] Davis thinks it’s pretty cool that Brian Boitano gets roses thrown at him after his performances, and would like that to happen for him someday.

RONNYS TORRES (LW)
Experience: 14-1 record (12 wins by stoppage), with all fights taking place in Brazilian leagues including Shooto Brazil and Jungle Fight.
Will be fighting: Melvin Guillard (22-8-1 with 1 no-contest, 5-4 UFC)
Lowdown: Due to a series of injuries, Torres has been out of action since September 2008, when he scored a first-round submission over Eliene Silva at Jungle Fight 11; Torres was originally supposed to face Guillard last April.  The Nova Uniao prospect with the oddly-pluralized first name has had to cut over 30 pounds to make the lightweight limit. He plans on making his cage-entrance to gospel music. "It is step by step that I will arrive to the top," Torres says. "I only ask that God illuminates me."