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Tag: John Koppenhaver

Back By Popular Demand, It’s a Fresh Batch of War Machine Prison Blogs


(WORST. ROLE MODEL. EVER.)

You’ve been clamoring for them, Potato Nation, so we figured we might as well deliver. Perhaps no man in MMA has had a more compelling uplifting interesting story than that of War Machine. The TUF 6 alum’s travels have taken him from the great bays of San Diego to the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas, and have seen him do battle with the mighty Krave club bouncers, the mightier Thrusters Club bouncers, California’s most physically fit citizens, and the country’s most upstanding adult films stars.

But, as with the tale of John Carter, which War Machine has chosen to mold his life after, adversity would not keep a good man down. To keep us entertained whilst in prison, Machine released a series of prison blogs that discussed everything from his squabbles with cellmates to his desire to fornicate with a bologna sandwich. After being released from prison last August, the fighter formerly known as John Koppenhaver proved that Floyd Mayweather was just a big pussy by scoring arguably the biggest victory of his MMA career by TKO’ing former UFC superstar Roger Huerta in the third round of their scrap just a few months later. Unfortunately for the Machine, he was informed that he would be headed back to prison to serve time for one of the various assaults he has committed over the past couple of years.

So, without further introduction, may we present you with the first group of War Machine’s prison blogs, which details both his newfound affection for Kendall Grove and his ability to travel to other dimensions while meditating. Don’t worry, more are surely to come.

Week 3

Just got back from court… We were attempting to withdraw my plea so I could take this B.S. to trial, win, and go home. Should have done that in the first fucking place and would have if I knew the judge was gonna fuck me. Funniest part about the hearing – when some glitch or something came up on their computer and made it appear as if I had something else pending, the judge said, “I wouldn’t want to SPECULATE but might be some kind of trouble he’s gotten into while in custody.” Umm… isn’t that SPECULATING right there? How about at sentencing when she SPECULATED, actually ACCUSED, me of taking steroids? LOL! Fucking Kangaroo Court! Anyway, that is that! Buckling in to do this time now. My last recourse is gonna be a request/application to do house arrest instead of this crap, that’d be a lil’ better. At least then I could make $ and eat real food. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes.

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War Machine’s Big House Blog: Musings on Reincarnation, Open Relationships, and His Plan to Save the World

(If he only knew then what he knows about ‘gay hippy shit’ now…)

Well, War Machine has finally realized what most second graders already know- ‘reading is great’. To think, it only took him being exiled from the UFC, failing at a career in porn, and being sent to jail for felony assault to discover the joy of books.

Below you’ll learn that War doesn’t get down on all of that made-up organized religion crap, preferring to root his beliefs in more time-tested scientific certainties like interdimensional yogis and reincarnation. The good news? While he’s out zipping around through space and time, he totally doesn’t mind if you bone his wife.

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‘War Machine’ May Be Eating Elbows in Prison

JK

The San Diego Union Tribune has reported that Jo(h)n “War Machine” Koppenhaver attended a preliminary hearing today to face felony assault and battery charges, stemming from an incident in September where he allegedly choked a man unconscious and hit him in the face outside of Undisputed, the San Diego gym where he works as a trainer. Seems pretty straightforward, right? Well, it gets weird:

Darren Zatkow testified that he was visiting San Diego with his then-girlfriend when he was assaulted outside the club after a night of drinks on the town. He said he was confronted by a group of men without shirts who surrounded him as he left the club. He said he was grabbed in a carotid choke hold and dragged a few feet from his friends by one of the men. Zatkow said he did not see who grabbed him from behind. Friends of Zatkow’s who testified said he was punched in the face while he lay unconscious on the ground…San Diego Police Detective Fernando Ramirez said a Las Vegas doctor who saw Zatkow days after the assault determined that the facial blow caused four fractures to his left eye socket. The injuries could cause temporary or permanent nerve damage, Ramirez said.

A New York man who was in San Diego at the time testified for the defense that he saw Koppenhaver hold Zatkow during the confrontation outside, but he said the person responsible for the assault was another one of the men standing outside the club…If the case goes to trial and Koppenhaver is convicted, he faces a maximum penalty of seven years in prison, said prosecutor David Williams.

So to summarize: Koppenhaver and his friends — shirtless and well past normal business hours — lay in wait outside of the gym that he works at, and gang-stomp tipsy clubgoers as they stumble outside of the nightclub that’s adjacent to the health club. Is that about right? Jesus, I knew San Diego was boring, but there’s no excuse for this. Also, though Zaktow never saw who grabbed him from behind, and a witness claims War Machine only held Zaktow while his buddies did the rest, through their own hazy methods of deduction, the Union Tribune decided, in their second paragraph, to run with the more exciting version that Koppenhaver was responsible for the punching and choking. Anyway, we hope the guy gets a fair shake, and that if he has to do some time, he’ll get a cell-mate that can appreciate a good upper-decking.

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F.o.t.D.: War Machine vs. J-Rock (Round 3)

By far the wildest and bloodiest match of Saturday’s Ultimate Fighter 6 finale, John Koppenhaver and Jared Rollins’s three-round demolition derby was the people’s choice for fight of the night. Koppenhaver dominated from the top position in the first round, but took a truly nasty barrage of elbows to the head in the process. With both fighters leaking blood, Rollins took control in the second frame, raining down punishment from above, pressuring War Machine with choke attempts, and coming very close to a TKO-by-strikes victory. And then this happened:

Any other referee would have stopped the fight at the 3:33 mark. Luckily for John Koppenhaver, Steve Mazzagatti is a sadistic maniac.

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