The season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir began not with a bang, but with a whimper: As the 32 UFC hopefuls lined up to get pep-talked by Dana White, Phillipe Nover got a case of the vapors and passed out. (Is this show hardcore or what?!) To add further embarrassment to his situation, nobody seems to know how to pronounce Nover’s first name. He says “Filip,” but everyone else decides to go with the more ethnic-sounding “fi-LEEP” or “fi-LEEP-ay.” The guys are told they’ll be given 24 hours to cut weight, and will fight the following day. Our Guamanian buddy Joe Duarte comes in ten pounds over, but it ain’t no thing to him. Jason Guida, on the other hand, comes in like 47 pounds over.

During his agonizing cutting process, Guida pukes into a toilet like a sorority girl after a big date, then cramps up completely and his team has to look at his balls flopping out of his towel (see above). A doctor checks him out and says he can weigh in one more time before he’s given IV fluids and taken to a hospital. His final score: 207. One pound away. He fucked up, and he’s furious. He tells NSAC executive director Keith Kizer that he’ll “never be forgiven.” We are treated to this classic exchange…

Guida: “Just let me do this, doc.”
Kizer: “I’m not a doc, but no.”

And Mike Stewart, who was hanging out in the parking lot for just such an opportunity, gets in as an alternate. Then it’s time for the fights…

Krzystof Soszynski vs. Mike Stewart (205): Stewart gets jacked right away with a huge left hook, and then swarmed with strikes until the ref stops it. Back to the parking lot, buddy. By the way, there’s no fucking way I’m spelling out “Krzystof Soszynski” ever again. He will be referred to as K-Sos from now on.

Fernando Bernstein vs Dave Kaplan (155): Bernstein, a man after my own Hispanojew heart, faces another nice Jewish boy in Kaplan. Bernstein seems to strictly be a kickboxer, though, and after some ferocious striking exchanges, Kaplan gets the fight to the ground and sinks in a rear-naked choke. Dana suggests that Bernstein change his nickname from “Machete” to “Butter Knife.”

(Click here to go to the video)

The season eight premiere of “The Ultimate Fighter” follows UFC Fight Night this Wednesday, and Spike.com has provided an early look at what’s in store in the first episode. They seem to be doing a good job this season of not only providing backstory on Big Nog and Frank Mir — even if it involves some questionable claims, such as referring to Nogueira as the potential greatest heavyweight ever, conveniently ignoring the existence of Fedor Emelianenko altogether — but also not so subtly making the case for the show itself and its importance in the larger UFC framework.

Of course they don’t hesitate to point out that season one alumni Forrest Griffin is now light heavyweight champ, but did they have to follow the line about “future champions of the UFC” with a shot of Chris Leben?

The first episode also offers more reasons to believe that Jose Aguilar will be this season’s most quotable moron. After comparing himself favorably to Hitler, dog, he comes up with this gem when one of the fighters passes out during Dana White’s big speech:

“That [expletive] was loco, dog. Like I was expecting carbon monoxide, more people to pass out or…I don’t even know. Anthrax, dog. Al-Qaeda. I don’t even know what the hell to tell you, dog.”

Something tells me season eight will be one to remember. As long as Jose Aguilar is around to keep punctuating his free associations with the word “dog,” you’ll always have something to look forward to on Wednesday nights.

(Click image to go to the video.)

Spike.com has released a teaser clip from The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir (which premieres next Wednesday), introducing two lightweights, Junie Brown and Jose Aguilar. Assuming he doesn’t get bounced out of the opening round, Aguilar may be setting himself up as the asshole of the house, greeting viewers with these soon-to-be-immortal words:

“To be honest, dude? I belong with Napoleon, dog. Alexander, dude. Hitler. That’s what I belong with, dog. I be conquering motherfuckers, dude, period. You know what I mean? Pillaging, shit like that, that’s where I belong, bro. Criminal, dog, straight-up criminal.”

It’s strange — if you were to put Junie and Jose next to each other and ask me which fighter is more likely to have respect for the Third Reich, I might have gone with the other guy. Personally, I can’t wait for the interviews Aguilar does when he leaves the show, with his inevitable complaints that the editors portrayed him differently than he actually was: “Nah, dude, I didn’t mean the shit Hitler did during World War II, dog. I meant when he was younger, dog, how he used to beat down punk bitches outside of his gym, bro, and jump motherfuckers outside of gas stations with his homeys, dude. That, specifically, is what I was trying to say I belonged with, dog. Public nuisance type shit, bro. I got mad respect for it, dog. But they want to hate on Freddie, dude, know what I mean dude buddy homey bro dog?”