There’s something to be said about a drug addict who chooses to make money by exploiting his struggles with addiction, all while enabling the addictions of other people. I’m not sure if there are proper words for it, but utterly tragic, pathetic and thoroughly reprehensible are probably good places to start. Case in point: Jose Canseco, who has been dangerously addicted to anabolic steroids in the past (and possibly still is), now dedicates his time to encouraging both current and potential steroid users through a series of videos on Steroid.com. If you’re surprised by any of this, I envy your ignorance.
Oh, and he makes his glorious man boobies dance. Did I mention that part yet? Because that happens.
Back to business though. This week, Canseco touches on the topic of which steroids are “the most awesome steroids,” which obviously are the ones that make your tits bounce, n00b. Naturally, Canseco addresses former teammates who decided not to use steroids in the unfortunately typical words of an addict who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions:
As a baseball player, if you didn’t take steroids you were just a pussy. You were just not part of the team at that time. You weren’t really trying to win. You weren’t doing everything possible to become the best baseball player out there and help your team win. It was like a sacrifice in a way, you really had to do everything possible to help your team win.
For nearly four years, the Japanese MMA promotion DREAM did its best to carry the mantle of PRIDE, presenting the same mix of top international talent and freak-show comic relief, all inside of a traditional ring, rather than a filthy American cage. But we were hit with some sad news this weekend as multiple sources reported that DREAM has ceased day-to-day operations, and will no longer be producing events. So as we like to do when great MMA traditions die, let’s take a look back at some of the fights that made this promotion so unique, so entertaining, and so balls-out insane…
Though Kazushi Sakuraba’s fame was partly based on his willingness to absorb damage from larger fighters, the level of savagery that Melvin Manhoef inflicted on him during their meeting at the Yokohama Arena probably should have convinced Saku to walk away from the sport. The moment when Manhoef drags Saku away from the ropes by his leg so he can dive in to continue the assault (see the 2:43 mark above) remains one of DREAM’s most indelible and brutal moments.
Another tradition that DREAM inherited from PRIDE? Absurd mismatches. At the time of this fight, Aoki was widely considered to be a top-3 lightweight, while Gardner was an obscure 13-7 journeyman who was coming off a loss to Brian Cobb. Aoki’s domination on the mat was no surprise, but the fight became legendary for how it ended. Stuck with Aoki on his back, Gardner took advantage of a brief pause in the action — and the near-silence in the Saitama Super Arena — to wave to the crowd and shout “Hello Japan!” Aoki immediately wrapped up Gardner’s neck and choked him out, causing the crowd to break out in laughter and Bas Rutten to cry “Oh my God it is so dumb! So dumb! Why?!” Some things just can’t be explained, Bas.
We’d say that the former baseball star’s next match offers him a shot at redemption, but considering his opponent, he’ll look like a loser even if he wins it. Canseco is booked to appear at a Celebrity Fight Night event on November 5th against Tareq Salahi, best known as the “White House party crasher” whose wife Michaele is a total whore.
Last night, many of us were shocked and saddened by a video floating around the ‘net that featured Chuck Liddell, completely naked, working out with his girlfriend, also completely naked. The video was notable for a number of reasons:
(Give Cofield credit, he isn’t afraid to just put it out there and say, ‘Why are you doing this?’ in the tone of a man trying to talk some sense into his alcoholic cousin.)
Sometimes I wonder if Jose Canseco is one of the dumbest former pro athletes out there, or if he is so brilliant that he merely seems dumb to those of us who can’t fully grasp the depth of his wisdom. Listening to the guy explain why we have wars and how those wars are just the large scale version of the petty criticism we perpetrate against one another on a daily basis, I could feel my mind slowing being blown into millions of tiny pieces. Then he said that Herschel Walker’s insistence on not fighting him was a “negotiating ploy,” and I was forced to completely disregard my theory of Canseco as an unappreciated genius.
You see, unlike Canseco, Walker is not desperate for cash and attention. The guy donated his Strikeforce payday to a church. Typically, guys who are fighting for charity do not engage in negotiating ploys to drive their price tag up. If they wanted their charity to have more money, they’d just give it to them personally. If they didn’t have that kind of money to give, they probably wouldn’t be fighting for charity.
Is any of this getting through, Jose? Are you even still reading? You became distracted by a dog with a puffy tail midway through the first paragraph, didn’t you? You know what, just forget it. You keep after Herschel Walker. After all, you’ve been doing this longer than him.
After watching this video of Jose Canseco in the gym with Nick Diaz and his boys, we still don’t know whether the former slugger is really learning anything about fighting. All we know is that he has seen what real training looks like when professionals do it, and that he had the foresight to make sure that somebody was shooting video of him while he witnessed it.
Honestly, this might be a more interesting video if we could remove Canseco from the frame altogether. Then you’d just have Nick Diaz explaining some of the finer points of the clinch game, which is pretty awesome. If that’s not enough to hold your attention, there’s also some Fifty Cent to bob your head to. See? Something for everyone. Except Jose Canseco. He only watches videos if Jose Canseco is in them, which results in him watching a lot of really annoying videos. Or unintentionally hilarious ones…
We were holding out hope that Nick Diaz’s well-established dislike for exactly the type of jock asshole that Canseco is might prevent him from letting Canseco use the squad as a stepping stone in his ongoing attempt to turn MMA into some sort of half-assed celebrity boxing. No such luck. Now we just have to pray that one of the Diaz’s breaks his arm in a training "accident" and sends him back to pleading for tanning salon endorsement deals on Twitter, where he belongs.
Strikeforce, if you’re reading, just so we’re clear about this, DO NOT SIGN JOSE CANSECO TO FIGHT FOR YOU. Herschel Walker was one thing. He took it seriously, said all the right things, and even though the quality of his fight proved exactly why you don’t put 0-0 fighters on TV, we’re willing to overlook it. But Canseco? No way, homie. He just wants a quick buck and cheap attention. Stay away. We cannot stress this enough.
Now that we’ve relaunched our t-shirt giveaways, it’s like a hot load of reeking chum has been tossed into the water with you blood-crazed commenting-sharks. Y’all brought it hard this week, until we really didn’t want it anymore, and we were just waiting for you to finish so we could get some sleep. (So to speak.) Moving on…
If your name has been called, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with your real name, address, and shirt size, and we’ll get a CagePotato Devil Horns shirt out to you soon. (Disclaimer: CagePotato.com’s definition of "soon" may be very different from your own.)
Hopefully that matchup won’t happen, and as a result Nick Diaz will not have to face a crisis of conscience for helping Canseco in his efforts to demean MMA for his own financial gain. Why the Gracie team wants anything to do with him is a mystery in itself. Unless they’re not getting a big enough piece of Diaz’s six-figure payday and are dealing with a dire financial situation, you’d think they’d want to stay away from a guy who has proved so toxic to everything he touches.
(After this offer, Canseco tweeted that he’s looking for a tanning salon and 24-hour gym to endorse. Seriously.)
It turns out that there is a good reason why MMA shouldn’t let retired athletes from other sports climb into the cage for a little career rejuvenation, and that reason is named Jose Canseco. Something about seeing Herschel Walker stop Greg Nagy with vicious strikes to the armpit at Strikeforce: Miami made the former pro baseball player/steroid abuser/attention whore think that this is his invitation to once again make a mockery of our fine sport with his helpless flailing.
We’re not going to ask why Canseco would refer to himself as “the bad Boy of the Sports industry,” despite not really being in the sports industry anymore. We’re also not going to ask how he chooses which words to capitalize, if in fact he is making choices at all and not simply mashing the keyboard with the end of a mop and hoping for the best. Instead we’re just going to say, no thanks. Put the notion out of your head right now, because no one is interested in a Canseco-Walker celebrity shit-show. I mean, even if he were to decide to actually prepare for a fight, what idiots would invite him to train with them?
(You know, Jason, it would be nice if your junk transitioned to a renewable energy source. Photo courtesy of DreamOfficial.com)
The return of Kid Yamamoto. Light-heavyweights fighting super-heavyweights. Desperate baseball players possibly dying in the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to see some crazy shit. DREAM.9 kicks off in a few minutes, and if you’re reading this live, God bless you. Round-by-round updates from the HDNet broadcast are after the jump; refresh the page every few minutes to get all the latest. If there’s a long stretch of time where there’s no updates, it just means that I’ve fallen asleep. Let’s all hope that doesn’t happen.
(It was at that moment that Jose realized his life had become unmanageable. Photo courtesy of DreamOfficial.com)
DREAM.9 — which goes down tomorrow in Yokohama, and will be broadcast live on HDNet starting at 5 a.m. ET / 2 a.m. PT — is simply too epic for us not to liveblog. If you’ll be awake for some reason, swing by and find out how quickly/pathetically Jose Canseco gets his ass kicked by Hong Man Choi — as well as what happens with the rest of the Super Hulk Tournament opening round, the featherweight grand prix quarterfinals, and the Mayhem/Jacare middleweight title fight. If you’ll be sleeping like a normal person, just come over when you wake up and get caught up on all the insanity.
Weigh-in results are after the jump, courtesy of MMA Weekly.
On today’s edition of MMAjunkie.com Radio, co-host [Frank] Trigg said he "called around" and was disappointed to learn Canseco has apparently done little in the way of preparing for his May 26 DREAM.9 bout with 7-foot-2 kickboxer Hong Man Choi. "He hasn’t been doing anything," Trigg said. "Nothing. Nothing (MMA-related) for this fight. "He’s running on a treadmill."
The official UFC 100 promo video doesn’t need any heavy-handed voiceover to make its case as one of the best MMA events in recent memory. It just runs down some perfunctory highlight clips to remind you of who all’s fighting, and then it steps back to let your imagination run wild. Now all you need is a ton of money and no objection to dropping an obscene amount of cash on one sporting event, and you can experience it live. You can also help whip your section of the arena into a chant that voices the will of the people. If that kind of thing interests you.
After the jump, a highlight video that is pretty much the exact opposite of this promo.
"I have beaten drugs, I have beaten alcohol, and I believe I have beaten being a man of bad character. I’m 5’6," 165 lbs. He is 6’6," 265 lbs. It’s the only thing left for me. I will beat the giant."
According to this profile of the Celebrity Boxing operation, CBF put on an event in November headlined by Phil "Bam’s Dad" Margera and John Wayne "Dude Who Got His Dick Cut Off" Bobbitt. What can you say — they know what the people want. Sorry, Fedor, but I have a feeling you’ll be beating Andrei Arlovski’s ass in an empty arena. A laughably low-budget promo video for Bonaduce vs. Conseco is after the jump; props to CP reader Danny-Eyal for the tip.
You may have seen the raw footage of this floating around a week or so ago, but here’s the edited, minute-and-change version of Rich Franklin battling Wanderlei Silva in Rock/Paper/Scissors. The contest was a special exhibition bout that opened the 2008 Bud Light/USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championships — think “click-clack” for white hipsters — which went down June 21-22 at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. How ’bout Franklin’s bitch-scream at 0:41? In a way, I think this video is very similar to how an actual fight between Franklin and Silva would go: Silva would come out strong in the first round, then Franklin would rally in the second before smashing Wandy’s scissors with a rock.
It’s great when former pro athletes and celebrities (or in this case, pseudo-celebrities) think that they can fight just as long as their opponent is another celebrity. Baseball’s public enemy number one, Jose Canseco, found out the hard way over the weekend that it doesn’t always work that way.
You have to love the commentary from Stephen A. Smith here, who seems just a little biased in his take on the match. His description of Canseco as a rat and of former Philadelphia Eagles player Vai Sikahema as a man who “knows what he’s doing with those fists of his” (hurling them at Canseco’s head?) is pretty great.