(AND FOR ONLY FIVE DOLLARS MORE, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOME AND SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS WHILE YOU WATCH MY FIGHT ON TEVO.) 

It’s hard to say what exactly inspires aging MMA fighters with the sudden desire to give the sport another go. In Aleksander Emelianenko’s case, it was money, probably to be put towards more prison-style death tattoos. In Tank Abbott’s case, it was probably because one of his crusty drinking buddies at the local VFW bet him he wouldn’t. And in UFC HOFer Ken Shamrock‘s case, it appears that his first round TKO over that chick outside a Wetzel’s Pretzels is to thank for his most recent “comeback” fight, the details of which MMAOpinion has just passed along:

UFC Hall of Famer, Ken Shamrock will be returning to MMA on July 27 to take on British MMA star Ian ‘The Machine’ Freeman under the Ultimate Cage Fighting Championship banner at the Keepmoat Stadium in Doncaster, England.

Shamrock,a UFC Superfight Champion, made his desire to fight Freeman public when he commentated on BAMMA 12. His wish has been granted after some heavy negotiation. Shamrock has been in fights with some of all time greats including Royce Gracie and Kazushi Sakuraba but it looks like even at the grand age of 49, ‘The World’s most Dangerous Man’ is not ready to call it quits. He has not fought since November 2010. His last fight in the UK saw him lose by TKO to Robert ‘Buzz’ Berry in 2008. 

While we would love to bring things like Shamrock’s record over the past few years or his general mental health into the equation, we think we should hold off on our cynicism until this fight actually goes down. And honestly, when compared to what he’s been reduced to in lieu of fighting, seeing Shamrock’s brains get turned into mashed potatoes for a few thousand bucks is probably the least humiliating thing we (or he) could ask for.

Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:

(For all you high rollers out there, $5.99 gets you one of these signed with lipstick.) 

What in the hell is happening in the world of MMA? First we find out that Ken Shamrock will talk you into a living death for only $11.99 a minute, and now this noise.

Gentlemen, have you ever found yourself watching a Miesha Tate fight and thought, “You know what, that woman is a great fighter, I would love to show her my penis over the internet.” Well today is your lucky day, because a thread on the UG recently brought to light that the former Strikeforce bantamweight women’s champion has apparently launched a “members only” website, where just $4.99 a month (!!!!) gets you access to the following:

-Latest and up to date news
-Latest and up to date appearances and schedule
-Exclusive photos not found anywhere else
-Exclusive videos not found anywhere else
-Access to store for merchandise and memorbilia
-Contests available to fans only
-Be able to submit your picture with Miesha that will be permanently on her website
-Chance to Video Chat with Miesha herself (times and days TBD)
-Book 1 on 1 video chat
-See Marzia stream live from her phone  (coming soon)

Let’s see you top that, Carmen!

“Okay, so I’m making a living as a fake fighter. Things can only get better from here, right?”

If history is any indication, it’ll only be a matter of time before this headline becomes tragically outdated. Ken Shamrock has gone from taking lopsided beatdowns from Tito Ortiz, to taking them from the UFC’s lawyers, to accusations of juicing himself in order to get out fighting Kimbo Slice, to testing positive for steroids after beating up a fat guy, to submitting to leg-kicks from Pedro Rizzo, to beating up another fat guy with the help of an eye poke, to losing to Mike Bourke after his leg gave out while going backwards (seriously), to hitting a “heavyset” woman that he thought was a guy. The point I’m trying to make is that whenever things look like they can’t possibly get any worse for the guy, we see his name in the news and think to ourselves, “Yep, I really should have seen this coming.”

That being said, you know things aren’t exactly good for somebody when…you know what, I’ll just let this press release sent to Cagepotato.com yesterday explain:

Maryland, 29 th October 2012 [Author's Note: The date was wrong, so I figured things weren't exactly off to a promising start...] – UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has announced the launch of his own fundraising chat line, allowing fans of the legendary icon to call him directly on his cell phone.

His service is part of growing micro-access phenomenon, whereby well-known public figures can connect anonymously by phone with their followers on a pay-per-minute basis.

(I was a big fan of James Thompson until he TKO’d my beloved Giant Silva. You broke my heart, James. You broke my heart. / Photo via Sherdog.)

We’d like to send out a CagePotato Fist-Bump to reader Joseph Cisneros, who submitted today’s topic on this Facebook thread: “Fighters that u hated, that now u are a fan of.” It’s a good question (despite its grammatical quirks), and so is the reverse of it — fighters who you were a fan of, but can’t stand anymore. We figured, why not cover both sides of the coin?

Joining us for this installment of the CagePotato Roundtable is a very special guest, and former Roundtable subject: veteran MMA heavyweight James “The Colossus” Thompson. It’s been a fruitful year for Thompson, who has scored wins over Bob Sapp and Bobby Lashley under the Super Fight League banner, and launched his own MMA media empire with a fantastic blog (ColossalConcerns.com) and a highly entertaining MMA podcast, which you should subscribe to on iTunes right here. Follow the Colossus on Twitter @JColossus, and quiet down children, because the man is about to speak…

James Thompson

When I was told the subject for this round table, I thought I’d have to pass on it, simply because on first reflection I couldn’t think of any fighters that I was a fan of, but then went off completely, or vice versa. But then I did something I try, as often as possible, not to do…I used my brain. After this painful but mercifully brief process was over, I remembered a couple of fighters hidden deep in my grey matter that did fit this description. So here’s what I dug up.

(“Tonight……you.”)

From a writer’s standpoint, there are a couple ways to approach a fight video as clownshit crazy as the one you are about to witness. The first is to provide a play-by-play breakdown of the action in a noble (but ultimately futile) attempt to try and make sense of the lunacy you just witnessed. The other method involves coming to the realization that your words are indeed ultimately futile and that the fight video should simply be digested as is.

It’s safe to say that when this happens before the fight even begins, you must follow the latter method.

Full video after the jump. Trust us, you *need* to see this. 

(Photo via FUEL TV)

A near-mythological figure in the world of combat sports, Bas Rutten‘s achievements include three King of Pancrase titles, a UFC heavyweight championship, broadcasting gigs for PRIDE and Inside MMA, various movie cameos, and a starring role in the greatest instructional video of all time. “El Guapo” was kind enough to give us a few minutes of his time this week to discuss his legendary fight career, and the opponents who stood out across a number of categories. Show your appreciation by following Bas on Twitter and Facebook, and watch out for his latest big-screen appearance in the MMA comedy flick Here Comes the Boom next month.

Toughest chin: That has to be Masakatsu Funaki and my last opponent Ruben Villareal. Funaki I hit and kneed so hard that my palms and knee were bruised, until the final knee where I grabbed Funaki’s hair and drilled the knee in his face, but boy, every time he got back up, it was crazy. Villareal, although I had a rib out and couldn’t hit a bag the last two weeks [of training], I still hit him hard, and right on his chin every time. First he said to me, “Damn, you’re fast.” I said “Thank you,” then I hit him again and he said, “And you hit hard.” I told him, “Apparently not hard enough!” It was funny.

Heaviest hands: I was very fortunate never to have anybody connecting full. I have pretty good defense. So I honestly can’t tell you; I’ve never been hit hard. Though I guess in training I have. Pedro Rizzo has very heavy hands.

Oh geez, you guys. You know how we informed you the other day that Ken Shamrock was involved in a little mall skirmish that ended in him striking a woman he thought was a man? If so, do you remember how all the reports said she was HEAVYSET woman, making sure to emphasize the term by placing it in all capital letters?

Well, as things are apt to do in the life of Ken Shamrock, this story has recently taken a turn from typically bizarre/sad to the even more bizarre and borderline morbid. The above photo of Shamrock’s alleged attacker, all 120 pounds of her, was released today, and it suddenly has us questioning the legitimacy of Shamrock’s story. We mean, just look at her; not even Peter Griffin could make that mistake.

Her name is Melinda Garcia, and according to her, things went down WAY differently with “The World’s Most Dangerous Man Who is Definitely a Man” than what was originally reported. As TMZ reports:

Her name is Melinda Garcia … she weighs 120 pounds … and tells TMZ there’s NO WAY Shamrock could’ve confused her for a man. In fact, she claims Ken is straight up LYING about the fight.

Garcia claims it’s all BS … claiming Shamrock didn’t actually break up the original fight, but rather screamed at her to do it … which she did. Garcia claims Shamrock began to yell at her for not stopping the fight sooner … and then snapped and PUNCHED her in the face.

Garcia says her mom ran over to intervene … and Shamrock punched her too. Soon after the alleged girl-punching, security and police arrived to the scene … and only then, Garcia says, Shamrock backed off.

Garcia also claimed that she plans to file a lawsuit if the police do not press charges, so it got us thinking: If this woman jumped on our back, would we be able to identify her as a woman immediately? Ben said he was on Team Ken, Elias said Team Sane, and Seth said his apartment was taking on water and he didn’t have time for our stupid reindeer games.

So as we like to do in these situations, we’ll ask unto you: At first glance, would you make the same mistake Ken Shamrock, Ms. Swan, and Austin Powers made?

Survey after the jump.

“I used to kind of have the opposite problem whenever I’d visit Thailand. Long story.”

And now for something completely different.

It’s 2012, yet I’m about to tell you that Ken Shamrock did something of relevance yesterday. Before you start to guess what he did: Yes, it was actually winning a fight – even though his opponent was just some random tubbaguts. No, it wasn’t a sanctioned MMA fight that he won. And obviously, it was pretty damn embarrassing for everyone involved. Give up yet? Brace yourselves…

Ken Shamrock, while breaking up a fight, got arrested for hitting a woman. His justification for hitting the woman wasn’t so much “She attacked me first, and I was simply defending myself” as it was the rock-solid “Wait, THAT’S a chick? For real? GET OUT!” defense.

Not that I think any of you are surprised by this, but let’s read what TMZ.com wrote about the incident after the jump:

By George Shunick

When predicting a rematch in MMA – or, frankly, any sport – it’s only logical to look at the previous encounter and attempt to discern what advantages a certain participant had, whether their opponent is capable of adjusting and overcoming them, and whether the rematch will follow the overall narrative of the previous encounter. Our knowledge, or anticipated knowledge, of these factors determines how much we anticipate a rematch. For instance, no one really cared about the third fight between Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock – we all knew how lopsided that fight would be. Conversely, Frankie Edgar’s third match against Gray Maynard was appealing because there was a strong narrative coming out of their second fight, a sense of uncertainty as to which fighter would make the necessary adjustments to overcome the other.

The rematch between Edgar and Ben Henderson falls into the latter category because it possesses that same degree of uncertainty. We don’t know what will happen in this fight, other than it promises to be one of the best fights of the year. It’s a rematch between the two best fighters in the strongest division in MMA, after a fight that each fighter thought he won. Both will be at the top of their game, attempting to ensure that this match will leave no doubt who is the better man.

(Thanks to tufentertainment.net for the fitting logo.)

By Nathan Smith

With the recent announcement that Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin have been named as the coaches for the next installment of The Ultimate Fighter series, the MMA universe immediately launched into a full-blow orgasmic ticker-tape parade complete with tons of flying confetti and a marching band belting out death metal tunes. Once I heard the news, it was as if my life instantaneously turned into a beer commercial and the entire Potato Nation was invited. There was a rad pool-party, barbeque, a plethora of hotties, endless alcohol, and an overall quest for fun.

Well . . . . . actually, none of that happened. In fact, when word spread that Nelson and Carwin would helm the next season of TUF, it was officially filed under “WTF?” Judging from the comment section, most of the CP brethren didn’t care for the choices either. TUF is coming off a season that saw the ratings dip lower than they ever had, which could partially be blamed on the move to FX and the dreaded Friday night time slot. Regardless of the variables for the ratings drop, something drastic needs to be done, but is anybody really convinced that Carwin and Nelson are the answer to TUF’s slow and painful demise? Let’s start from the beginning and take a look back to see if this runaway train can be coaxed back onto the main rail.

The Season That Started it All 

The inaugural season of TUF featured future Hall of Famers Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture as the competing coaches who would go mano y mano at the PPV after the season finale. For fans of the UFC, that was good enough for most to initially tune in for the Fertitta-funded experiment. It still remains the best crop of young talent and personalities to ever grace the show; future stars like Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Josh Koscheck, Chris Leben, Diego Sanchez, Mike Swick, Kenny Florian, and Nate Quarry were all complete unknowns vying for stardom in a fledgling sport. You mix in the whole “fatherless bastard” angle and the show was off and running even before the awe-inspiring climax between (pre TRT) FoGrif and The American Psycho. Even before that, we were treated to the greatest speech of all time that has since been condensed into a few words. “Do you wanna be a fighter?” Though there were other memorable moments from the seasons that followed, Zuffa should have quit while they were ahead because it would never be this good again. The unrefined personification of immature talent, undeniable aspirations and gonzo-sized balls oozed from the boob tube during every episode.

(Oh, Victoria. You’re *never* going to finish the choke from that angle. / Full gallery is after the jump.)

On July 7th, Tito Ortiz will be inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame, fight his last three rounds in the Octagon, then retire. In honor of this impending bit of MMA history, we’ve rounded up 20 of our all-time favorite photos of the Huntington Beach Bad Boy — some classic, and some you may not have seen before. Check ‘em out in the gallery below, and if we’ve left out your favorite, shoot us a link in the comments section. Enjoy…

(I got winner.)

Today on the CagePotato Roundtable, we’re taking a trip through the magical world of make-believe! Which MMA fighter would you scrap with if reality was no object? Would it be a hated heel? A personal idol? An undersized Japanese lady who you might actually have a puncher’s chance against? Joining us this week is Vince Mancini, the esteemed editor of FilmDrunk.com and occasional CP commenter. Follow his shit @FilmDrunk, and if you have a topic idea for a future Roundtable column, please send it to tips@cagepotato.com.

Chris Colemon

Saying that I could fight any MMA fighter implies that I also have the option not to do so, and I would exercise that option. You see, I’m what scientists call “a pussy.” I don’t like my chances in a scrap against anyone, trained or not. In that way I’m kind of like the anti-Krazy Horse: I’ll back down from men, women, children, retarded people…

But if I had to throw down with an MMA fighter of my choosing, it’s going to be Bob Sapp, all day. The reasons are plentiful. As stated earlier, any trained fighter is going to wreck me, badly, so I’m certainly not going to pick someone smaller than me or a female — why give my detractors [friends] more to mock? No, I’m going to pick an intimidating juggernaut, and few fit that bill better than Bob Sapp. If I lose the fight — which is pretty much the only possibility — non-MMA fans [again, my friends] will look at pictures of him, then back at my unimposing frame, and accept the loss as a forgone conclusion while giving me eternal props for climbing into the cage with such a monstrosity.

Actual MMA fans tuning into the fight will already be expecting to see someone turtle-up and play dead before the first punch connects, so they won’t be disappointed if I take a page out of “The Beast’s” own playbook and hit the canvas prematurely. All of Sapp’s recent battles have been farces, so at least no one will be expecting a real fight; I’d hate to disappoint the crowd.

(My qualifications? HERE’S my stinking qualifications!)

It looks like we’ll have to start drafting up new t-shirts to falsely promise you guys, because according to a recent interview with MMAFighting, UFC President Dana White was rather frank about his desire for both former light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz and former lightweight and welterweight champion B.J. Penn to be placed in the UFC Hall of Fame in the near future. Though the jury is still out on whether or not Penn will return to the octagon following his hasty retirement in the aftermath of UFC 137, DW had nothing but positives to say about “The Prodigy” when asked on the possibility of his placement in the HOF:

Definitely. The thing about B.J. Penn is that what he brought to the lightweight division, there was a point in time when we first bought this company when people thought guys in the lighter weight divisions couldn’t be stars and couldn’t see pay-per-views and couldn’t cross over. B.J. Penn was definitely that first crossover guy for us. He’ll be back. It’s tough, when there are 16,000 people in the arena chanting your name, it’s tough to walk away from that. B.J. Penn is a fighter. You hear some of these guys, and Tito was one of these guys, he said he wanted to be famous. B.J. Penn is a fighter.

So there you have it, Penn will join long-time rival Matt Hughes, as well as Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Mark Coleman, Royce Gracie, Chuck Liddell, and Tapout co-founder Charles “Mask” Lewis in that deluxe octagon in the sky. After a pair of unsuccessful title bids at 155, Penn won the welterweight title in his welterweight debut by defeating the then untouchable Hughes by first round rear-naked choke at UFC 46. Penn would vacate the UFC shortly thereafter, citing a lack of challenging fights, and would not taste UFC gold again until beating the ever-loving shit out of Joe Stevenson at UFC 80 to claim the vacant lightweight strap. He would defend the belt three times until being upended by Frankie Edgar at UFC 112.

When addressing the possibility of Tito Ortiz joining those illustrious ranks, White did not shy away from the pair’s well-documented rocky history, and in fact stated that, in retrospect, it helped make the UFC what it is today.

Hear more from The Baldfather after the jump. 

So here’s that ESPN Outside the Lines piece that got Dana White so hot and bothered. Even before it aired yesterday morning, the segment — and accompanying feature article by Josh Gross — drew criticism for its reliance on anonymous sources (as well as Ken Shamrock, who’s not exactly unbiased), and for downplaying the reality of the UFC’s business model, in which fighters are paid handsomely for performing well and drawing a crowd. Should a new UFC prospect deserve to make as much as an NFL player simply because he’s signed to the UFC? Lorenzo Fertitta doesn’t think so: “[L]ike any other company in America…You have to perform, to be able to get compensated.” There is also some mis-representation in the UFC’s $6,000/$6,000 system of payment for prospects (skip to the 5:03 mark), which ESPN seems to believe applies to all fighters who enter the promotion.

The segment does make a couple of solid points, pointing to the lack of a Muhammad Ali Act in MMA, and explaining that athletes in other major sports leagues are so well paid because they get 50% of the leagues’ revenues — while the UFC, according to “multiple sources” (all anonymous, of course), pays closer to 10% of its revenue to the fighters. Lorenzo Fertitta disputes this, saying it’s “in the neighborhood” of 50%, but since the UFC won’t disclose exactly what they’re earning (or exactly what they’re paying out to fighters, for that matter), it’s impossible to come away with a clear answer to this question.

Check it out and let us know what you think. After the jump, some unaired footage from the interview released yesterday by the UFC, in which Fertitta explains that the lowest-paid UFC fighter earns about ten times more than the lowest-paid boxer who fights on ESPN, so suck it.

(“Nice hipster glasses, buddy! Let’s see what they look like…SUPLEXED!!!!” Photo via Dan’s Facebook page.)

In this week’s installment of his mailbag column for CagePotato.com, UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn discusses a memorably bloody Vale Tudo match, the greatest night of his career, and the technique that he wants to see banned from the sport.

DARKHORSE06 asks: What is the worst injury you ever received?

The worst injury I’ve ever received in my career has probably been a cut. One time I was competing in Brazil back in the No Holds Barred days — known as Vale Tudo in Brazil — and my opponent hit me with a big overhand right that split open my top lip. When I grabbed hold of him to try and shake some of the cobwebs out of my head I noticed he was covered in baby oil so I couldn’t get him down.

In the clinch, my opponent threw a knee up that hit me in the mouth and split my bottom lip open. Somehow he was able to get me into the corner and I couldn’t really see as he started trying to attack me with knees, stomps and other techniques of that nature. I was trying to think of some way out when suddenly it dawned on me to suck the blood off my face and into my mouth. Once it was in my mouth, I would basically just spit the blood into my opponent’s face because it was not against the rules. As my opponent looked away so as not to get any blood spit at him, that’s when I got the upper hand, swept his feet out from underneath him and dropped him down on his butt.

(Severn and Shamrock: They were like the Michael Jackson and Prince of big, white grapplers who competed in early ’90s no-holds-barred matches.)

Happy Movember, everybody! In honor of the hairiest month of the year, we convinced UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn to write a weekly column for CagePotato.com. For the first installment, he plucked some topics from our Facebook page, but he’s up for answering anything about his life, career, and moustache, so drop your own suggestions in the comments section. Visit DanSevern.com and Dan’s Facebook page for more Beast-related updates, and join the CagePotato Movember team if you want to help support a good cause!

Matthew Poulin asks: How many fights do you still want?

Dan Severn: It’s not so much how many fights I want to have. I want specific fights right now. I’ve had some verbal offers but haven’t had the opportunity to bring some of these matches to life. Two particular matches I’m still interested are ones with Mark Coleman and Ken Shamrock. Realistically, I think that 2012 will be my final year as an MMA competitor. So whatever gets done gets done; whatever doesn’t, I’ll have to learn to live with I guess.

(LOL @ Toney trying to form a sentence at the 0:41 mark. I mean, dementia pugilistica is a tragedy and all, but come on, that’s hilarious. Props: ESNEWS)

I guess it was too good to be true. According to a recent press release from the James Toney camp, the highly(-ish?) anticipated MMA superfight between Toney and UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has been delayed until early next year, which is probably just a nice way of telling us that it’s been canceled altogether. Instead, Lights Out will be focusing his efforts on boxing cruiserweight contender Denis Ledbedev, November 5th in Russia. If that fight comes together, it’ll be the first time since 2003 that Toney will compete at 200 pounds. Believe it, son.

BoxingInsider claims the Toney vs. Shamrock MMA match has “fallen apart over money issues.” Wait a minute, does that mean Chael Sonnen was right the whole time? As he so eloquently put it last month…

(Video courtesy of BallerStatus)

You would think that given the embarrassing loss he was handed by Randy Couture and the fact that he’s now set to fight Ken Shamrock in his return MMA bout, that James Toney would keep the names of UFC champions outta his mush mouth.

Apparently “Lights Out” done lost his mind on top of his language skills and is now calling out Rampage. James, Dana isn’t going to pay you a million again to throw a handful of jabs and flop around like a fish on your back until you tap out. The experiment is over just like the Kimbo experiment and just like the *sniff* PRIDE experiment. Deal with it.

By Jason Moles

Earlier this week, UFC announcer Bruce Buffer caught up with Chael Sonnen for a segment on his Sherdog Radio Network show ‘IT’S TIME!!!’. Buffer got Sonnen to open up about his highly entertaining fight with Anderson Silva, his thoughts on Tito Ortiz, and Ken Shamrock’s get-rich-quick scheme. Wait, what?!

Straight from the horse’s mouth to the screen in front of you, we’ve got the highlights of the interview.

On his loss to UFC Middleweight champion Anderson Silva:

“In what parallel scoring system do you punch a man three hundred times, he hits you eleven times, wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds and they declare him the winner? That doesn’t make you a winner.

In no form of society, from the jungle to the streets, does that make you a winner. I’m the People’s champion I’m the linear champion. I’m the best middleweight there’s ever been and I am the UFC’s true champion.”

On Tito Ortiz‘s role in the UFC:

(Video courtesy of YouTube/FightHype)

Okay, maybe he didn’t name us specifically, but the aging veteran who used to be known as “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” told FightHype.com that any reporters who think he should walk away from the sport are idiots.

Using an odd analogy that reporters who had never stepped into the cage saying he should call it a career are like if when we’re old the doctors refuse us medicine because they’re saving it for some younger patients. So because doctors have never been old or had a disease like cancer, they aren’t qualified to treat someone who is or diagnose someone who has it? Makes perfect sense.

Instead of proving him right by responding in typical CP style, instead I’ve written an open letter to Ken Shamrock.

Check it out after the jump.

(Video Props: LarryBrownSports.com)

Bad news: it’s starting to look like this thing is really happening. Worse news: as if the combatants themselves weren’t awful enough, the injection of special rules qualify it as an early runner for the least-meaningful highly-publicized fight ever.

(You’d better start sewing the dress for this little guy.)

There’s really no easy way to tell you this, so we’re just going to come right out and say it: As first reported by BJPenn.com, UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock and trash-talking boxing champ turned Randy Couture choke-victim James Toney have agreed to face each other in an MMA bout this fall. The original report pegged the match to an unnamed event in El Paso, Texas, on September 23rd, but Toney’s trainer Trever Sherman says the bout could happen in September or October, and that Texas was simply the most likely location at this point; more details will be hashed out this weekend between the two fighters’ camps.

Look, we all had a good time laughing at Toney’s misfortune after all the smack he talked leading up to his humiliating MMA debut at UFC 118.  But we gotta give him credit for getting back up on the horse. And to be brutally honest, he stands a much better chance against Shamrock, who hasn’t had much success over the last few years, outside of a plodding decision over the rotund Jonathan Ivey last year. (We’re not counting Shamrock’s 2009 submission over Ross Clifton as a legitimate victory, considering he tested positive for steroids after the fight, and Clifton was just seven months away from death at the time of the fight.)

(Since this sculpture seemed to be a major talking point…)

Minoru Suzuki was born 43 years ago.

Why he matters: One of the co-founders of Pancrase — the pre-cursor to the UFC — Suzuki was of the best Japanese submission specialists of his era. He holds wins over Ken Shamrock, Vernon White, Matt Hume and Guy Mezger and Maurice Smith. A former Olympic alternate freestyle wrestler for Japan and former Japanese freestyle wrestling national champion, Suzuki retired from MMA competition in 2002 with a record of 27-20 to focus on professional wrestling, in which he is still active today.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/MrDartzero)

Many MMA luminaries from Bas Rutten and Ken Shamrock to Josh Barnett count Suzuki as one of THE best catch wrestlers the sport has ever known.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/scientificwrestling)

(Video courtesy of YouTube/TheFightNetwork)

Ken Shamrock spoke Fight Network Radio recently and stated that he believes that if the UFC would look past their personal and legal issues and give him a rubbermatch with Royce Gracie at UFC Rio in August, they will sell out and set pay-per-view records much like his pair of fights with Tito Ortiz did.

($kala got yo’ eyeballs all up on EliteXC. Mission accomplished.)

With the recent news that ProElite has risen from its the ashes to make an offer on Strikeforce before Zuffa quashed them like the insignificant mosquito that they’ve always been known as, inquiring minds have begun asking who will be at the helm of the company’s latest incarnation.

One name you won’t see on any of  ProElite’s offices is Jared Shaw.

The former EliteXC matchmaker who used to prefer to be known as his hip hop name $kala says he is done in the MMA business.

In a recent interview he did with Sherdog’s Jeff Sherwood, Shaw says he is concentrating on boxing and rapping and shed some light on the reasons he says ProElite and EliteXC collapsed.

Check out  what Shaw had to say after the jump.

(“So, which one of you broads is the lucky lady?” PicProps: Esther Lin)

We never thought we’d say this, but Old Dad’s latest “My First Fight” piece with Frank Shamrock actually makes us look at the metal-mouthed Strikeforce color commentator in a whole new, halfway positive light. Say what you want about his broadcasting skills (oh, and we do, we do) but after reading this story on MMA Fighting.com it’s hard not to consider the man’s life on the whole an overwhelming and unlikely success story. As an added perk, you also find out why Shamrock’s nose looks so funny on TV. It’s because when he was 24 years old, Bas Rutten kicked him in the face.

We’ll get to that in a minute. First though, this gem: Within the first two graphs of the narrative, our man Fowlkes deftly tells us that Shamrock may have been the first and last person in the history of mankind to (fresh out of prison) find himself deciding between a career as a health care professional, a mixed martial arts fighter and a male stripper. Channeling his 1994 self, Shammy explains thusly: “I was going to be a physical therapist or an exotic dancer, or I was going to do this no-holds-barred fighting thing that Ken (Shamrock) was doing. And I didn’t know anything about any of them.”

A decade later we all know the path Shamrock chose, in the process likely saving the bachelorettes of the early Clinton years an incredibly awkward night they would remember forever …

("When the first thing a doctor says to you is ‘Can I get an autograph?’ it’s pretty easy to get any drugs you want." Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

By CagePotato contributor Jason Moles

Coming off a loss to Jorge Oliveira in December, James Irvin returned to action last weekend at Gladiator Challenge: Young Guns 4 — and he would have gotten his much-needed rebound victory, if it wasn’t for the meddling of celebrity referee Ken Shamrock. (Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up.) Freak occurrences have plagued Irvin’s career from the beginning, and that night was no different. "The Sandman" recently gave us on opportunity to chat with him about his anti-climactic match against Mike Crisman, his battle with painkiller addiction, and his plan to make another run in the UFC. 

CAGEPOTATO.COM: First and foremost, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to talk with us at CagePotato. Tell me a little about the physical toll your body has taken after fighting three times in the past four months.
JAMES IRVIN: It’s been good for me. It’s tough, but I’ve been doing this for ten years. In shape, out of shape, and back into shape again. Kinda like what Chris Leben said — it keeps me sharp. I fight again on February 20th and have two fights in March, one in May. I train best when it’s intense and there’s nothing more intense than training for a fight.

Speaking of fights, your last one ended after an inadvertent illegal knee to the head of your opponent. As a result, Ken Shamrock ruled the fight a No Contest. What really went down in the cage?
Honestly, three weeks ago Ken turned down a fight with me, so as soon as I saw that he was going to be the ref I had a bad feeling. He kept coming back to the locker room to give us his version of the rules like this was my first rodeo. As for Crisman, I beat the brakes off this fool. I KO’d the guy and walked away before Shamrock even got there, and two minutes later, he says I illegally kneed him and it’s a no contest. It’s cool. I don’t have a scratch on me, and [Gladiator Challenge promoter] Tedd Williams says I can rematch Crisman in May.

("When you put your focus on one thing, you tend not to focus on the journey. Once you get there, it’s not going to be as big of a deal as you thought it was going to be.")

This Saturday, Rich Franklin will step into the Octagon for the 18th time to face Forrest Griffin in the co-headlining feature of UFC 126. During his 12-year career, Ace has experienced everything from championship glory to bitter defeat, and now stands as one of the sport’s most revered statesmen. “I think that what people will remember me for is that I’m a tough competitor who’s put on entertaining fights for the fans all these years," Franklin tells CagePotato. "And I’m happy with that kind of legacy.”

Rich was generous enough to give us some phone-time recently, and instead of asking him about his gameplan for Forrest, we discussed Franklin’s career as a whole, from the moment he decided to pursue MMA as a full-time job, to the fight that changed his life, to every other notable moment that helped forge the fighter he is today. Let’s begin…

The Early Days, 1993-1999
Rich Franklin: “I started training in traditional martial arts in 1993, then I saw the first couple UFCs and started doing some jiu-jitsu. I was training at a Royce Gracie chapter here in Cincinnati, and the guy who was leading my class was a blue belt. By today’s standards, if the best you had in your area was a blue belt, you’d be way behind the times, but in 1994 it was a big deal to have that kind of a resource. So I was doing jiu-jitsu, working with kickboxing coaches, and of course I’d been watching the UFC, learning off instructional tapes and all those kinds of things.

I started fighting at these little local amateur shows out in Richmond, Indiana, and clearly at that point in time, I was just light-years ahead of the competition that was showing up at the event. The promoter told me, ‘These are amateur events, I don’t really have anybody for you to fight.’ But there was a gentleman there who said, ‘You know what, I run a pro show, and I’ll pay you to fight." And he offered me 200 bucks. I was like, ‘Wow, I can make money fighting? This is great. I’m gonna make 200 bucks." I was bankin’.

RICH FRANKLIN (5-0) vs. AARON BRINK (7-4) — Franklin’s first regional title fight
IFC: Warriors Challenge 11, 1/13/01
Result: No contest due to accidental injury, after Brink’s leg slipped through the cage.

As we recently learned, the next season of The Ultimate Fighter will be coached by a grumpy mountain man who probably won’t spend any more time on set than he absolutely needs to, and a Brazilian dynamo whose grasp on the English language is limited to simple phrases like "I believe too much in my boxing" and "tub you are a cold — so we’re not expecting a verbal rivalry on par with Tito/Ken or Rampage/Rashad. Still, it’s TUF, so somebody’s gonna get told at some point. Can this season’s insults possibly stack up to some of our past favorites?

#5: "You’re like an expert swimmer who’s never been in a pool."

Matt Serra’s epic dress-down of Marc Laimon was his star-making moment — and a firm bitch-smack to every sideline-hater who talks tough without any intention of actually backing up his words. A year later, Serra was coaching that damn show.

#4: "Bro, you’re a male nurse."

Like a Katy Perry song, it’s annoying as hell, and yet you can’t get it out of your head. "Bro, you’re a male nurse" — I say that to all my friends now, no matter what their professions actually are. And it aggravates them too.