(Props: MMA Scraps)

Things that you have to love about this Ken Shamrock video:

1) He doesn’t blame you for thinking he’s washed up based on his last few fights.
2) He continually refers to the sport as “the MMA,” just like your father might.
3) He apparently trains exclusively in slow motion with a piano tinkling in the background.

All kidding aside, this video makes me both excited and sad for Shamrock’s fight with Kimbo Slice on Saturday. The man’s will is still there but the flesh is, well, not. He’s doing a great job of crafting a narrative (around the 11:00 mark he starts talking about Kimbo, and at 14:15 he explains that Kimbo “is walking into my sport, and he hasn’t earned the right to be there.”), which has always been one of the things Shamrock does well.

But after what we’ve seen from him in recent years there’s just no reason to think he’s going to go out there and beat Kimbo. There is every reason to think that one of the sport’s pioneers is going to go out there and lose badly and it’s going to be a damn shame to see.

Who knows, though. He seems acutely aware of why Elite XC brought him in, and maybe he will indeed “completely blow up their party” on Saturday night. If he does I hope the CBS cameramen have the good sense to pan to Jared Shaw immediately afterwards. That look on his face? It will be the ‘That son of a bitch just blew up my party,’ look.

(You ready for this, America?)

I almost couldn’t believe it when I first heard the news: Elite XC had added a legitimately interesting big time bout to their next CBS show. No disrespect to “Ninja” Rua and Benji Radach or Jake Shields and Paul Daley. Those are fights worth tuning in for, even if Elite XC seems content to treat them as background scenery.

And Gina Carano fighting an opponent who’s coming off two straight losses while the opponent who really makes sense for her fights someone else on the same card? Sure, that’s cool too. And of course there’s the obligatory ‘Kimbo Slice beats up handpicked opponent’ fight that we’ve come to expect.

But Andrei Arlovski-Roy Nelson? Now that’s intriguing, Elite XC. I have to admit, I’m impressed. I wonder, however, if you’ve thought through all the potential ramifications.

On one hand, it’s brilliant. Elite XC links up with another struggling organization to see if they can’t form like Voltron and make something happen. This fight adds hardcore credibility to a card severely lacking in it. The fact that Elite had to go outside their own stable of fighters to find that credibility is something we’ll ignore for the moment. Fact is, they showed the “willingness to work with other organizations” that we always hear about but seldom see put to such good use. Bravo.

But here’s what I’m wondering: what happens if Arlovski/Nelson turns out to be a solid, technical, exciting MMA bout, as we all know it very well could be?

- ESPN Radio’s Ball Park Frank talks with Randy Couture about a number of topics in this video (props to Steve Cofield), but perhaps most interesting is Couture’s assessment of Kimbo Slice‘s upcoming match with Ken Shamrock. As Couture astutely points out (around the 2:55 mark), a quick KO of Shamrock does more to affirm his over-the-hill status than it does to prove Kimbo’s worth as an MMA fighter. At the same time, if Kimbo goes back and forth with Shamrock will that only serve to prove that he’s not the fighter “Buzz” Berry is? Best case scenario for Kimbo is he looks good, Shamrock looks good, Kimbo wins via late KO. That’s also the least plausible scenario.

- Travis Lutter tells MMA Rated there is absolutely no truth to rumors he might be headed back to the UFC. Though it was originally reported that he might face Joe Doerksen in the Octagon, Lutter says neither he nor UFC matchmaker Joe Silva knew where the rumor came from, which means it’s back to the small time for Lutter. He did have a prediction for the Anderson Silva-Patrick Cote bout, though: “Cote is going to get murdered.” Come on, Travis, don’t sugar coat it.

- CBS executives say they will show five fights from ‘Elite XC: Heat’ on Saturday, even if it will probably cause them to run over the allotted two-hour space. Some fans wondered whether CBS had cut “Ninja” Rua-Benji Radach from the broadcast when the bout wasn’t mentioned in recent promos, but Executive VP Kelly Kahl says the fight is still on and will lead off the CBS portion of the card. That means Elite XC will have to keep its general dicking around to a minimum and still hope for a couple quick finishes to keep from going over. It’s something you’ll want to keep in mind if you’re planning on DVR-ing this sucker.

We all know that Ken Shamrock has only one chance when he faces Kimbo Slice at ‘Elite XC: Heat’ on CBS this Saturday night, and that’s to get the fight to the ground and hope Kimbo’s ground game is still as bad as it looked against James Thompson. According to Kimbo, however, it just looked like he had no idea what he was doing on the mat in that fight:

“Against Thompson I learned that no matter what happens, nothing will hurt me,” Slice said. “It’s mind over matter. Mentally, I knew I was alright. It may have looked like I was in trouble, but I was fine. It’s mind over matter.”

Really? Mind over matter? That’s what he took away from that fight? Call me crazy, but just because Kimbo weathered a couple minutes worth of ineffectual elbow strikes from the decidedly mediocre Thompson, that might not be reason to believe that nothing will hurt him.

‘Conditioning and takedown defense’ might not be as cool a slogan as ‘mind over matter,’ but it would be a much better approach for Kimbo. Lucky for him both Shamrock’s mind and matter are equally weakened with age and accumulated beatdowns.

(Sorry, bro. Not this year.)

Poor Fedor. All he wants to do is fight some weird, mostly meaningless bout on New Year’s Eve every year. But all these damn contracts keep getting in the way. It’s almost as if people want the world’s top-ranked heavyweight to only fight top-ranked contenders. Fascists.

Affliction VP Tom Atencio told me yesterday that he has good reason to believe that all the talk about Fedor fighting in Japan this NYE is just idle chatter. Said Atencio:

He is not going to [fight on New Year's Eve]. We have a contract with Fedor. We have a great relationship with Fedor. I just spoke with the guys from M-1 Global and they assured me that he’s not fighting so wherever that came from is beyond me. There are a lot of rumors in this industry and a lot of speculation, but I was told through the partnership that we have that Fedor is definitely not fighting on New Year’s Eve.

Where it came from, obviously, was Fedor’s comments at Dream.6. But Atencio seems certain that the next time “The Russian Last Emperor” gets in the ring, it will be under the Affliction banner. As for when that might be, the details there are a little hazier.

Kimbo Slice appeared on ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption” recently to discuss his October 4 bout with Ken Shamrock on CBS. What followed was Tony Kornheiser dragging himself through an interview he clearly didn’t want to do, and Kimbo alternating between statements that are clearly false and those that are merely very questionable.

On complaints from hardcore fans who criticize him for being “unproven”:

“[Expletive] it. That means they need to step up to the plate, we fight, so I can be proven, like I am street certified.”

On whether his credibility was damaged when he struggled to defeat James Thompson:

“To a lot of people James Thompson was elite. He fought in Pancrase over in Japan. …James is a well-rounded fighter, man. He has a good chin. [ed. note: really?]“

On whether he deserves his celebrity status:

“I never consider myself a celebrity. Celebrities don’t go to K-Mart. Celebrities don’t eat at McDonald’s. Celebrities don’t go to Wal-Mart. I don’t consider myself a celebrity. I’m just a little squirrel in this big world and I’m still trying to get my nut.”

‘Nuff said.

(Props: BloodyElbow)

So David Blaine did his Dive of Death thing last night, and Esther was right about the Kimbo Slice segment: There was no trick involved whatsoever. Blaine just let Kimbo haul off and slug him in the stomach twice. It was impressive that Blaine didn’t crumple to the ground in agony — though maybe not as impressive as making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

(Props: TheTrollSmasher)

If you’ve never seen the UFC 42 fight between Genki Sudo and Duane “Bang” Ludwig, set aside some time and check this out. Sudo’s gender-bending kabuki ring entrance is easily the most bizarre in UFC history, and calling his style “completely unorthodox” is still an understatement. You’d think that Ludwig would dash in with some punches at the beginning of the fight when Sudo has his back turned, but he was probably too freaked out to understand what was happening. Unfortunately, the fight also ends with one of the most questionable unanimous decisions in UFC history. Maybe Sudo’s geisha-boy antics invoked emotions in the judges that they weren’t quite ready to deal with…

Despite rumors to the contrary, Josh Barnett says he did not turn down a fight with Andrei Arlovski at ‘Elite XC: Heat’ on Oct. 4. Though talk centered on the possibility that Barnett bristled at the idea of taking a pay cut to help Affliction get their co-promotion on with Elite XC on CBS, “The Baby-Faced Assassin” declared in a MySpace blog post that he was not asked to take any such pay cut and did not turn down the fight:

I read somewhere that I had declined the fight because I would have had to take a pay cut. I suppose others may also formulate some story about me declining the fight for other reasons.

I never decelned to take this fight. I was never told that I would have any part of my pay reduced since working with Affliction. To my knowledge, no one has been asked to take a pay cut that fights for Affliction.

I did not turn down this fight.

Josh

Whether Barnett knows it or not, some Affliction fighters were asked to take pay cuts for the second show. Barnett already committed to fight at Sengoku 6 in November after news of the Affliction postponement, so he may never have been a realistic option for Elite XC. Now Roy Nelson gets Arlovski, and Barnett gets to go back to Japan and entertain all the loyal Josh-a-maniacs there.

In other Affliction/Elite XC news, Affliction COO Michael Cohen indicated that there will be an ongoing arrangement between the two organizations. Affliction’s postponed second event, now apparently scheduled for Jan. 24 (or maybe there’s no set date yet, depending on who you ask), will also be a co-promotional effort between Affliction and Elite XC, and will either air on CBS or Showtime:

(Photo courtesy of Esther Lin via Fightlinker.)

Our Blood Brothers at Holy Taco recently described David Blaine thusly:

I go to a buffet place called Soup Plantation once every month or so and every time I go through the all-you-can-eat soup bar, they have this “Irish Potato Leek” soup that looks like a creature is going to crawl out of it and start a new species that will eventually become the dominant one on earth. I’ve never seen anyone eat it, ever, and this is a six dollar buffet that many sleeveless patrons frequent. Somehow, even though everyone hates it, it keeps getting a spot on the buffet line. This is how I feel about David Blaine. How is it possible that he still gets TV deals to do shit when everyone I know hates him?

Of course, the main reason that Blaine-haters hate him so much is that there’s very little “magic” involved in what he does. He’ll stand on a ledge for a long time. Or he’ll sit in a glass box for a long time, or hold his breath for a long time. Watching his act requires a lot more patience than we have. And now he’s dragged Kimbo Slice into his world of garbage-ass illusion. Esther Lin has the story:

Last week, David Blaine stopped by Bas Rutten’s gym here in Southern California, to shoot a piece for his Dive of Death special, airing Wednesday night on ABC. The “trick” is going to be Kimbo Slice punching David Blaine in the stomach and is an homage to Houdini, whom David says is his hero (duh). I say “trick” because I don’t know what kind of trick there is to getting punched in the abdomen besides flexing and hoping for the best. Blaine explains before taping that Houdini died from injuries sustained taking punches to the stomach. [Ed. note: Bullshit.]

(He could have been as famous as Sean Gannon.)

From a new MMA Weekly profile on Joe Riggs:

The year is 2003. Riggs is at least a year away from his UFC debut. He’s fighting for $1,000 a show, good money for him at the time. Slice’s manager, Icy Mike, puts out a challenge to tough guys around the country — come to Florida if you think you can beat up Kimbo Slice. Win, and you get $10,000.

Riggs’ manager at the time, Trevor Lally, jumps at the offer. He emails Mike and says he’s got someone for him. He offers to put up $50,000 of his own money as a show of faith.

Riggs begins training in earnest and mentally preparing for a fight with Slice. But when Mike finds out about Riggs’ credentials, the door is promptly closed.

“I’d of beat the (expletive) out of him,” Riggs told MMAWeekly.com. “It would have been done. No Kimbo. I would have rubbed him out and saved everyone the headaches.”

Or Riggs could have videotaped his street brawls, something he jokingly wishes he did.

Back then, Riggs was a bloated heavyweight who had made his name beating up fellow fatties in the Phoenix-based Rage in the Cage promotion — and Icy Mike was still shuckin’ and duckin’. Luckily, Kimbo was able to find other opponents with acceptable credentials. And the rest, as they say, is history.

(Props: Steve Cofield, again)

We just had to go and complain that Elite XC and CBS weren’t doing enough to hype their Oct. 4 event. Then came “Hits & Chicks.” Now it’s “the greatest mixed martial arts show in Florida history” featuring “undefeated Miami street fighting legend” Kimbo Slice. Oh, and just in case you were worried that his street fighting days weren’t being well-represented enough, they made sure to include plenty of clips. I don’t know if they’re referring to him as undefeated in MMA, which is true, or undefeated in street fighting, which is not (Sean Gannon, anyone?), but either way you get the point. They stop just short of showing Kimbo working out with the Milf Hunter, presumably because they had to give Ken Shamrock his obligatory three seconds of screen time.

When it comes to selling tickets, I guess you hype whatever you got, however you can.

(Still waiting on that Affliction tracksuit.)

Former Elite XC honcho Gary Shaw dropped by Steve Cofield’s radio show to discuss the Affliction/Golden Boy partnership — something he is actually uniquely qualified to do as one of the few people who has experience promoting boxing and MMA with varying levels of success. His forecast for the partnership’s chances was grim, to say the least, and he doesn’t think much of Affliction’s plan to get into the boxing apparel biz, either:

Golden Boy’s doing a very good job in boxing. There’s nobody there who knows MMA. …I don’t think it’s going to work out… They’re talking about Affliction doing all the boxing gear, and I was looking around the room while they were doing the press conference, there wasn’t one person in the whole press conference wearing anything of a shirt, hat, or pants, having to do with boxing. And if you go to an MMA event, it’s a lifestyle, everybody’s in MMA clothing. And I think it’s going to be a lesson to both. I think they’re in for some surprises.

I don’t think they can build the market. I think it’s a good t-shirt. I love their line. I like all their MMA stuff. But boxing people, they come to an event, it’s not a lifestyle. The next day they’re not training. A lot of people in MMA train. It’s a cult, it’s a lifestyle, it’s different. They’ll learn.

If you’re wondering whether Gary Shaw’s doom and gloom attitude regarding the “cult” of MMA might be due in part to his failed attempts at trying to get them to believe any manner of bullshit, you just may be on to something. The frosty reception he got from fans, journalists, and other promoters seems to have had a lasting effect on Shaw’s fragile psyche:

Hits – Watch more free videos

This, believe it or not, is an actual ad for Elite XC and Showtime boxing put together by the clever jerks over at Showtime Sports. I like to think that the moment the song “Hits & Chicks” was written, somewhere Glenn Danzig suddenly felt like killing himself, even more than usual, and he didn’t know why. I also like to think that after the song was set to this video montage of both hits and chicks, one of the advertising executives at Showtime watched it and said, “I don’t know, you think it’s too subtle?”

That’s when they added the phrase “Jugs and Pugs.” Just because they wanted to make sure that they were reaching the all-important ‘morons aged 14-54′ demographic. And here we were thinking that Elite XC wasn’t doing enough to promote this event.

Is it too much to hope that “Busted Ears, Bodacious Boobs” will become Elite XC’s new tagline?

(Props: Bloody Elbow)

(Props: BloodyElbow)

So here’s a clip of Frank Shamrock giving some predictions for EliteXC’s October 4th event. What caught my attention was the fact that EliteXC has quietly announced a title for the show, which they’ve included in the video. It’s called “Heat,” and even though it’s just three weeks away, this is the first time I’ve seen it. Pretty lazy, if you ask me. I’m sure we could come up with some more fitting titles. I’ll start…

“The Old Can and the G”
“Miami Pound Machine”
“$kala’s Last Stand”
“Paycheck”
“Roadkill”
“Sideshow”
“Maybe That Chick From American Gladiators Will Show Her Tits, You Never Know”

Any other suggestions?

(Nah, bro…you.)

EliteXC hosted a media conference call this afternoon, where a fired-up Ken Shamrock and a comparatively laid-back Kimbo Slice traded insults to hype their headlining fight at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida, on October 4th. After Jeremy Lappen ran down the fight card, Shamrock kicked things off by apologizing for his recent performances. “I have my reasons for the losses, but they’re just excuses,” he said. “But on October 4th I will shut everyone up and I will make amends for those fights by putting Kimbo’s lights out…[people ask] can I get in the ring, should I be in the ring, do I deserve to be in the ring, and I guarantee you I will answer that question and I will put a period at the end of it.”

Though he expressed respect for Shamrock and his accomplishments, Slice seemed confident about his chances. “[Ken's] gonna stay on his streak, and I’m gonna stay on mine,” Slice said. When asked what his gameplan was, Slice sardonically added: “Being a great grappler like myself, against a striker like Ken, I’m gonna break his leg.”

Though things started out relatively civil, Shamrock’s blood was boiled by an early question from a reporter, and he stayed mad for the remainder. When he was asked if he thought he was being used as a stepping stone for Slice, Shamrock shouted “I am! That’s absolutely what this is, and I’m absolutely taking this as an insult to me! And i’m going to smash it back in their face.”

An uncomfortable Lappen tried to do damage control by saying “we definitely don’t look at it that way,” while Jared Shaw started running down Shamrock’s career accomplishments, and clarified that the guys who beat Shamrock during his last 10 fights were all legends. [Ed. note: Which reminds me, how long do we have to wait until Buzz Berry is inducted into the MMA Hall of Fame?] “The press wants to paint a picture that Ken is washed up and he’s being served up,” Shaw said. “But Ken doesn’t believe that, and we don’t believe that.”

Of course there was some great back-and-forth between the headliners. When asked about the likelihood of him taking the fight to the ground, Shamrock said “I’m gonna go out there, I’m gonna be too fast for him — I hit hard — and he’s going to eat a few of my punches, some leg kicks, a couple push kicks. He’s gonna get tired. And then I don’t even have to take the guy down, he’s gonna fall down.”

(Props: MMA Scraps)

A jovial Ken Shamrock showed up on “Inside MMA” to discuss his upcoming fight with Kimbo Slice. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on around the 0:53 mark where Ken affects a silly voice in order to say “going to the leg-lock,” but, as Shamrock has shown in the past, he likes the occasional silly voice for no good reason. It’s somewhat reassuring to hear him say that he isn’t comfortable trading punches with Kimbo, until he says he still thinks he can “hit him five times and make him miss.” Don’t do it, Ken. Seriously. Just get it to the ground and hope for the best.

(“Semtex” makes sure photographers get a shot of his good fist.)

As you may have already forgotten, Elite XC’s next show on CBS is now less than a month away. They don’t seem too concerned with stuff like advertising or hyping it in the press, and are apparently relying on the Kimbo Slice-Ken Shamrock buzz to carry them through without much promotion. Kind of a ‘If you build a squash match, they will come’ type of attitude.

But thank God for Paul Daley. The now-I’m-retired-now-I’m-not UK fighter seems to be the only one really putting some effort into selling this thing. When discussing his bout with Elite XC welterweight champ Jake Shields, “Semtex” was, shall we say, forthcoming with his opinions:

He won’t remember much…just waking up I guess. I’m gonna be real mean in this fight, fuck Jake Shields, you’re going to see. I am stronger, I hit harder, I take punishment and he will not take me down, or hold me there for long if I make a mistake. This is gonna be a shock to those Jake Shields nut huggers. Once I am in that top ten, I’m coming after everyone above me….

I’m so pumped for the fight that I feel something is gonna go wrong, like he is gonna pull out or something…scared…I would if I was him. He don’t know what’s coming.

Read More ADD COMMENTS (18) DIGG THIS

(Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

- Do some UFC 88 pre-partying with Randy Couture. (Xtreme Couture)

- Mario Sperry betting on a Palhares victory, literally. (Tatame)

- Stone Cold Steve Austin breaks down Kimbo Slice-Ken Shamrock. (YouTube)

- Arguing over UFC 88, Randy’s return, and more. (MMA Rated)

- Martin Kampmann is ready to “kick ass.” (MMA Mania)

- Brock Lesnar got jokes. (Steve Cofield)

- One punch KO’s bully. (Nothing Toxic)

- Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates team up to produce something…strange. (Wall Street Fighter)

- Sarah Palin steps up to the mic. (Holy Taco)

- 11 craziest Ann Coulter moments. (Screen Junkies)

Today’s must-see highlight reels come to us from Comrad101 via Wasa-B: First, the top 10 MMA armbars, featuring Sakuraba, Mir, Minotauro Nogueira, Fedor, and a crowd-pleasing classic from Rumina Sato at #1. Then, it’s the legs’ turn. Craig Oxley should have had to commit seppuku after the humiliation that Genki Sudo put him through at the 3:35 mark — and it’s only a matter of time before Brock Lesnar pulls off the same move.

After the jump, three more installments of Train Like LT, starring Kimbo Slice, LaDainian Tomlinson, and the most broke-ass energy drink in history. Props to MMAFightGirls.

An animated gif from the future. Props to “Juggo” via the UG. And props to Shammy for hanging in that long.

Kimbo Slice‘s new spot for EA Sports’s Facebreaker. I guess the ability to play as a female version of Kimbo is a selling point. Props to YouveBeenBlinded

Slice recalls the fateful hurricane that changed the course of his life, in this new promo for Showtime Sports. Props to FiveOuncesofPain.

Ken Shamrock to Sherdog:

“[T]he Kimbo Slice thing came up and we said, ‘Wow, this is the perfect fight for me, man. You can’t gift wrap one better than this’…Honestly, I think I can test him anywhere. He’s got big, heavy hands. Everyone says he punches hard and he probably does. But again, he doesn’t punch properly, in my opinion. He swings his hands, he moves his body back and forth trying to get as much power as he can, but there’s really no snap behind it. You can usually see the punches coming. I’m going to do what I need to do. If it goes to the ground, I’ll probably break his leg. I mean, no question. I will break his leg. If he gives it to me, I’m going to break it.”

The bad news is, Ken has proven multiple times that he doesn’t need to be punched “properly” to briefly lose consciousness. A firm tap will do. Picture a police officer knocking on a door — that’s about the force required to knock out Ken Shamrock. Bonus: Check out this video from earlier this year of Ken and some IFL fighters going over a hypothetical matchup between him and Kimbo.

(Now that is one grim Sam’s Club.)

In case you missed it, we were falling out over Team Bison’s “official statement on behalf of Brett Rogers” yesterday. They naturally took the opportunity to bash Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock, accusing the former of shuckin’ and duckin’ and the latter of being 103 years old, but they had us at “Black Yeti.” Being the industrious reporter that he is, Five Ounces of Pain’s Sam Caplan contacted Kimbo’s camp for a response. What he got, courtesy of Kimbo’s manager, Icey Mike, was the above photo with the remark: “Rogers, don’t quit your day job.”

Seriously, Icey Mike? That’s it? Team Bison comes out with a dissertation on the lameness of Kimbo Slice and all Team Kimbo can come up with is a picture and a sentence? Sounds like someone’s entourage isn’t earning their money. It isn’t enough to just stand in the background and shout ‘Do it, Ferg!’ anymore, fellas. You’re in the big time now.

The remark is an apparent reference to Brett Rogers’ former job working as a tire repairmen at Sam’s Club. Trouble is, he already quit back in January. So this is kind of like coming back with a generic ‘your momma’ joke after a deeply personal attack. It lacks imagination and zing!, in other words.

Honestly, if there was one aspect of this Slice-Rogers feud that I really expected Kimbo to come out on top in, it was the pre-fight entourage shit-talking. Now I don’t know what to believe in. Thanks for the existential crisis, Icey Mike.

You were wondering how Brett Rogers feels about getting spurned by Elite XC in favor Ken Shamrock? Five Ounces of Pain has the scoop in a statement on behalf of Brett Rogers. Things start out all puppy dogs and rainbows in regards to the way Elite XC is handling their business, but don’t worry, Shamrock and “Fergi” get their come-uppance at the end:

As for Oct 4th; that was our spot. Shamrock with his name and giant ego butted in line to get a slice of Kevin. At 103 years of age Ken usurped our rightful place against the YouTube champ. Our sincerest hope is that Ken whips Kimbo and then we can finally euthanize the “World’s Most Dangerous Man” and relegate him to some MMA dinosaur exhibit. Maybe taxidermy him and Severn and place them on a rotating pedestal where they can endless circle each other.

If Ken proves to be more sham then rock and Fergi beats him, then the Slice hype grows even greater. Dude is already more myth then Sasquatch, Chupacabra and a fucking unicorn combined. Kevin is the black Yeti.

Caught between a Shamrock and a hard place, Kevin has chosen the old over the new; the past over the future. But Fergi… the hard place is coming. By putting us off, making us wait will only make matters worse. There is nothing business about it anymore. Kimbo made it a point to go frontin’ to our boys at Big Black. But that street thug B.S. might work well with the fan bois and the Internet dorks who think your street cred means something; but Son… Brett comes from Cabrini Green; the worst 12 blocks of America. Compared to that your street is Sesame Street. So you can say it is very personal between Brett and Fergi. So go ahead and make us wait while you fight Tank and Shamrock. Hell, why not fight Hackney, Harold Howard, Fred Ettish and the rest of Jurassic MMA? And while your shuckin’ and duckin’ we will be hustlin’ and muscilin’ and when the bell finally tolls the only real question left is … do you wake up looking at canvas or arena lights?

On behalf of Brett Rogers – Team Bison

Wow. Black Yeti? Shuckin’ and duckin’? Hustlin’ and musclin’? Sounds like the official trash-talking statement writer over at Team Bison is doing work, son.

(Props: MMA Scraps)

The year was 2004. Britney Spears was still skinny and childless. “Deadwood” had just premiered on HBO. Janet Jackson sparked controversy by showing the world her wonderful, glorious nipple during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show. It was a different time, a simpler time.

It was also the last time Ken Shamrock’s hand was raised in MMA victory, after a TKO via knee 1:26 into round one against Kimo Leopoldo at UFC 48: Payback. On the same fight card, Frank Mir broke Tim Sylvia’s arm, and a little-known fighter by the name of Georges St. Pierre knocked out Jay Hieron on the undercard.

Now here we are, four years (and, for Shamrock, five straight losses) later, and “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” is preparing to headline a fight on CBS against Kimbo Slice, a former backyard brawler now trained by Bas Rutten. If that’s possible, just imagine where we’ll be four years from now. The world is indeed a strange and inscrutable place.

I don’t know why I was so discouraged to hear that Elite XC had decided to match Kimbo Slice against Ken Shamrock, with a Brett Rogers option reserved for some possible version of the future. I should have expected this. I guess I’m just too much of an optimist. I thought Elite XC might try for a competitive, somewhat meaningful fight instead. I’ll never learn.

It’s not that I don’t understand what Elite XC is thinking. If anything, that part is all too obvious. They want a name to put on the marquee next to Kimbo’s. Someone with drawing power, yes, but not someone who stands a good chance of winning. Preferably, they’d also like the next Kimbo victim to be susceptible to knockout. So they called on Shamrock, an over-the-hill legend who has been getting KO’d by a list of fighters that starts out fairly impressive and then gets less and less so as we near the present. He’s perfect, given their priorities, but that only tells us how screwed up their priorities are.

But it’s not just Shamrock-Slice. Look at another high profile Elite XC fighter, Gina Carano. Instead of matching her up against “Cyborg” Santos — a fight they were already hyping by the end of Santos’ victory at “Unfinished Business” — they’ve decided to put Carano up against Kelly Kobald, who’s coming off two straight losses. They’re not even bothering to try and come up with a compelling explanation for it, just ask Pro Elite CEO Chuck Champion:

“It’s giving both an opportunity to further develop their fan bases and develop further excitement around the potential of them coming together,” Chuck Champion, CEO of ProElite, which runs the EliteXC brand, told MMAjunkie.com (www.mmajunkie.com). “If Chris destroys another opponent, people are really going to be clamoring, especially if Gina gets in and clobbers hers. It’s just really about letting the fighters develop, letting them grow in their skills and their character development in order for them to eventually meet one another.”

In other words, they’d rather string us along with a few squash matches first. The fact that they aren’t even intended to be competitive, that doesn’t seem to bother Elite XC. And that’s what’s really disappointing.

Sherdog scores the sad scoop:

Ken Shamrock will be the fourth man to face Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson when the two icons clash at EliteXC’s third installment of “Saturday Night Fights” Oct. 4 at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Fla. The headlining bout will anchor a live broadcast on CBS. Sherdog.com confirmed the bout’s signing with multiple parties aware of the fight, while a press release is expected to circulate later today with the news. The 44-year-old Shamrock (26-13-2) beat out fellow candidates Sean Gannon and Brett Rogers, who called out Slice in May, for the coveted slot.

[*shakes head*] Okay. So first off, Ken Shamrock has lost his last five fights by first-round KO/TKO. He has a tendency to get grazed on the chin, drop to the mat with his eyes rolled up in his head, and then immediately pop up to complain when the ref stops the fight. Maybe it’s just bad luck. Maybe he’s more susceptible to flash knockouts than most all MMA fighters. Whatever the case, he shouldn’t be headlining a network television fight card. Slice vs. Rogers would be a contest that MMA fans would actually want to watch. The only question we’ll have after Slice vs. Shamrock is, will the World’s Most Dangerous Man finally retire after this one?

It’s as good a time as any to bring up this fun fact: Kimbo’s second EliteXC opponent, Tank Abbott, had lost seven of his past eight fights before stepping into the cage at “Street Certified” in February. James Thompson had lost six of his last eight when he faced Kimbo at “Primetime.” Now, perhaps because Thompson gave Slice more problems than EliteXC had expected, they’re giving him Shamrock, who like Tank, has also lost seven of his last eight. These guys are beyond “jobbers” — they’re woefully unsuccessful.

(Reflecting on what might have been.)

Of all the incredulous claims about Kimbo Slice‘s future, it’s starting to seem like very few of them are going to pan out. Though Si.com reported that former Boston police officer Sean Gannon was the front runner to become Slice’s next opponent on the October 4 CBS show, Elite XC’s Jared Shaw told Five Ounces of Pain that the bout definitely won’t be happening. You could interpret this as a sign that Elite XC has officially gotten their collective mind right when it comes to Kimbo Slice matchmaking, but Sam Caplan says the fight was scratched not because it’s a pointless circus bout, but because of Gannon’s “financial demands.”

In other words, Elite XC is perfectly willing to bring YouTube quality fights to network TV, but only if they can do it cheap. Looks like we’re back to either Ken Shamrock or Brett Rogers.

Outside the cage, it looks as if Kimbo will no longer be co-starring with Hulk Hogan in the lovable 3-D children’s film “Kung Fu U.” According to the Wall Street Journal’s Market Watch, things fell apart “due to a misunderstanding among the agents involved with the Kimbo Slice deal” and Stereo Vision has since retracted their press release.

You know what that means? There’s a spot open in a hot new 3-D martial arts movie, and you get to play opposite Hulk Hogan, of “Mr. Nanny” fame! Get those audition tapes ready. Try to make them better than this one.

(Noons: More elusive than Machida? Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

Jared Shaw has had enough. The EliteXC vice president told MMA Junkie that KJ Noons has been given one more day to accept an October 4th title fight with Nick Diaz. “A bout agreement has been sent to KJ Noons,” Shaw said. “He has until 5 (p.m. PT Thursday) to accept it, or he can face public opinion.”

In a longer interview with MMA Junkie posted yesterday evening, Shaw strongly criticized Noons and his management for their unwillingness to commit to the Diaz fight. Some highlights:

“I’m sitting here and I’m drinking from a carton of milk right now. And the EliteXC lightweight champion KJ Noons’ face is on the back of this milk carton because he’s missing in action. I can’t seem to find him.”

“Since day one [Noons' manager] Mark Dion has been insinuating that EliteXC has been out to get KJ Noons. I just can’t figure that out. When a guy appears on the very first card — and the very first fight gets knocked out in the very first round off the very first punch — and we’re there to hold his hand and pick him back up and put him right back on television in a main event on ShoXC? And then when he’s 1-1, get him right back into a main event situation for the world championship against Nick Diaz, the legend who beat Gomi, how are you going to say that we’re not trying to help your kid? What more opportunity could we give the kid?”

(This seems like something we should relive on network television, right?)

The rumor mill has been churning this week as to who Elite XC will get to take on Kimbo Slice on their October 4 CBS event, which is being called something of a make-or-break show for the organization. In a new article on Si.com, Josh Gross adds another name to the list: Sean freaking Gannon.

As in, the Boston cop who defeated Slice in an ugly, amateurish brawl back in 2004. As in, the guy who later got a shot in the UFC, only to be trounced by the unremarkable Brandon Lee Hinkle. As in, the guy who is officially 1-1 in MMA competition. That Sean Gannon.

Gross says that difficulty signing Ken Shamrock and concerns that undefeated heavyweight Brett Rogers would actually beat Kimbo (apparently that’s enough to nix an opponent for Slice) are making the Gannon bout a very real possibility at this point.

There are many, many reasons why this is an idiotic idea. To name just one, Gannon isn’t an MMA fighter. He hasn’t competed since 2005, doesn’t seem to be actively pursuing a career in the sport, and hasn’t done anything that would suggest he should be fighting professionally on CBS. He’s just a tough guy who once fought and outlasted Kimbo back in his street brawling days. In other words, this fight would be a major step back for MMA, not to mention one that would happen on network TV.

Let’s all hope that this is nothing more than a vicious, hateful rumor. Let’s hope that when Elite XC executives hear of it, they scoff out loud. Let’s hope that when Brett Rogers hears of it, he doesn’t murder whoever is closest to him. Let’s hope, but let’s not be too shocked if it turns out to be true.