(Props to MiddleEasy for the find, and yes, that is none other than McBeardsly Oxendine handling Buffer duties.) 

We love local MMA shows for many of the same reasons we love Leonard Garcia; technique is often trumped by a need to entertain, punches are thrown like baseballs at a speed pitch machine, and by the time the smoke has cleared, we usually have at least one thing to laugh about or reference at a later date. It’s like watching a Troma film; sure, you won’t learn any life lessons from the experience, but are you gonna sit there and tell us that you would be better off if you had never seen Poultrygeist? That’s what we thought.

So in the name of mindless entertainment, we bring you the XFP 3 heavyweight title fight between Mark Jahad and Wayne Johnson that went down in Raleigh, North Carolina last Friday. All the cornerstones of a local fight are there; ridiculously telegraphed haymakers, both participants gassing out inside of two-minutes, and a shaky and often out-of-focus camera capturing all the action.

But what you might not see coming is the picture perfect dicknailing that comes via a Wayne Johnson punch (no to be confused with a Wayne-johnson punch, which is even more devastating) at the 2:50 mark.

The knockout comes, somewhat ironically, from a wild right hand that any two-eyed individual should have seen coming a mile in advance. Unfortunately, Mark Jahad was not one of those people, and his error resulted in one of the finest dicknailings ever commited to film. Alright fine, it’s not technically film. GAWD, can’t you guys have fun with anything?

-J. Jones

(Video courtesy of vk.com. Check it out before it gets taken down.) 

Heading into last Saturday’s card-opening fight with Clifford Starks at UFC on FOX 7, former Olympic wrestler Yoel “Soldier of God” Romero wasn’t exactly held in high regards by the few MMA fans who actually knew who he was. Despite starting his career with four straight (T)KO’s, Romero’s first and only “mainstream” appearance could not have possibly gone worse. Matched up against former Strikeforce light heavyweight champion (and enemy of the State of California) Rafael Cavalcante at Strikeforce: Barnett vs. Kharitonov, the fight saw Romero fiercely evade yet simultaneously taunt his opponent until he was rightfully knocked the fudge out with 9 seconds left in the second round.

Needless to say, Romero was in need of a strong performance last Saturday if he was hoping to redeem himself amongst casual fans, or in most cases, make a solid first impression. Luckily for everyone but Clifford Starks, Romero did just that, landing a beautifully timed flying knee a minute and a half into the opening round that had Starks backpedaling for the nearest exit. A few follow up punches sealed the deal and a $50,000 KOTN bonus for Romero. Not a bad way to kick off your UFC career, but if you ask us, having the last name Romero without some sort of zombie pun for your nickname is downright criminal.

On the off chance you missed Romero and Starks’ Facebook fracas, we’ve managed to find a full video of the fight and have placed it above for your convenience. So check it out before it gets taken down.

-J. Jones

(All praises be to MiddleEasy for the find.) 

Alright, you guys, this is the last time we’re going to explain this.

We understand that six months of sprawl training can fill you with a previously unimaginable sense of self-confidence. Hell, throw in a couple BJJ lessons and a month or so of P90X and most of us would probably feel damn near invincible. It’s understandable to a degree, for we are a fragile-minded species that are easily influenced and oft corrupted by our own power, no matter how fleeting it may be.

But as fragile as our minds truly are, our bodies usually pale in comparison (*cough* Kevin Ware *cough*). And in the MMA game, taking one’s body for granted is a surefire way to wind up on the wrong end of a knockout — an embarrassing moment made all the more embarrassing when it comes just moments after you dare your opponent to test your otherworldly chin strength. Just ask our winner for the Biggest MMA Fail of 2012 or the Diaz wannabe who got front-kicked into never-neverland what showboating leads to. Hint: It’s pain. Only pain.

You remember how earlier, we were listing everything that was wrong with The Blackzilians while simultaneously stating that not everything is wrong with The Blackzilians? Case in point: Tyrone Spong, the world-renowned kickboxing powerhouse who joined the Florida-based camp prior to his successful MMA debut at World Series of Fighting 1. Given The Blackzilians “you are your own coach” philosophy, one could not ask for a better striker to spar with on a daily basis than Spong, who showcased his skills last Saturday by knocking out kickboxing legend Remy Bonjasky in the second round of their headlining bout at GLORY 5.

In the first round, Spong was content to take the lengthy Bonjasky’s legs out from under him with a series of punishing low kicks. Luckily, judges in the kickboxing world view leg kicks as something other than an annoyance, so Spong was awarded the round unanimously. The second round was an entirely different story, however, as both men opted to throw the kitchen sink at one another until one of them fell over. That man was Bonjasky, who crumbled to the mat following a vicious right hook by Spong. And just like that, it was good night my anus Irene, and another win for Spong over one of kickboxing’s greatest fighters.

We’ve thrown a full video of the fight above, so check it out if you get your jollies watching legends fall from grace. I’m going to go have a good cry.

-J. Jones

Look, we’re all busy today with our Christmas shopping/football watching/religious obligations/normal Sunday activities to waste too much time not driving to the liquor store before the parking lot fills up, so I’ll make this brief. Bantamweight prospect Cody Land fought James Harrington at featherweight during Disorderly Conduct MMA’s Season’s Beatings card last Friday. Harrington picks the wrong time to drop his hands and is met with a brutal overhand left. The result is equal parts this and this. One forced and awkward, yet obligatory “falling Christmas tree” joke later, and we’re ready for the holiday. Alright homies, let’s get drunk.

(Skip to the 1:30 mark to watch Karma work its magic.) 

There is perhaps no greater a hooley-hoo punk-ass jabroni in the MMA world than the guy who fakes the glove tap and immediately tries to knock his opponent out/take him down. It’s a garbage ass maneuver, perpetrated by only the soggiest of floor turds, but the one good thing that can come from such blatant bitchassery is watching it backfire in said jabroni’s face. Paul Kelly tried it against Donald Cerrone at UFC 126 and was promptly strangled for his efforts. JR Fuller tried it against Jonathan Harris and was promptly dicknailed. But today’s cheap-shotter, Adam Fyfe, almost got away with this bitch move when he pulled it on fellow ammy Alex Thorne at Absolute Adrenaline: Platinum on November 4th. Almost. 

(“If this isn’t a world where Mitt Romney is president, you can just put me back to sleep thank you very much.”) 

As we mentioned in our head to head assessment of this weekend’s UFC Macao main event matchup, Rich Franklin is one tough SOB. So tough, in fact, that he not only managed to fight through a broken arm in his UFC 115 match against Hall of Famer Chuck Liddell, but even made sure to finish Liddell before the bell rung, for the fight could have likely been called in Liddell’s favor had both men made it to their corners.

So with the main card action kicking off at a completely reasonable 9 a.m. EST this Saturday, the UFC has released a couple of Franklin’s (as well as Le’s) fights online to give us all a little refresher course on what our two headliners have been up to. It’s a noble effort, but there’s simply no way in hell I will have recovered from my night of binge drinking, bum fighting, and huffing paint thinner through an old grease rag in time to catch any of the main card matchups live. They’re called priorities.

Anyway, head after the jump to take a stroll down memory lane, even though you probably remember the intricacies of this fight better than ol’ Chucky boy does.

(Put her in a body bag! No seriously, could someone please dispose of that corpse as quickly as possible? I’m starting to feel queasy.) 

No, that is not a screenshot from The Ring, that is the aftermath of the last time we saw Sheila Bird compete in this thing we call MMA. It took place back in July of 2011 against Kim Couture, and using the combination of a leg scissor choke and some of the worst referee negligence this side of Marius Zaromskis vs. Andrey Koreshkov, Bird not only came away with the win, but provided one photographer with the opportunity to stare into the fleeting remnants of Couture’s soul before she stole it. It was the first documented case of Shang Tsunging in WMMA history.

What are we going on about? Well, Ms. Bird stepped back into the octagon last weekend, and although the end result was nearly as horrific for her victim this time out, it was equally as decisive. Bird needed just 11 seconds to pack Christina Barry’s lunch and jam it down her throat brown bag and all at AFC 12 on Friday, so head after the jump to check out the brutal finish.

(Props to Rodeo and bOredjOrd for the tip.)

Confidence is like nature’s bath salts. Using a combination of trickery, implied reasoning, and outright tomfoolery, confidence basically transports us back to the ignorant serenity of youth. It surpasses logic, the physical limitations of the human body, and the laws of nature to convince its host that anything is achievable through the pure power of will. And just like bath salts, confidence can have devastating effects on the body it occupies. Just ask Melvin Guillard. Or Tom Brady. Or Hitler. I’m not saying that Tom Brady is Hitler reincarnated, I’m just saying.

So rather than take pot shots at the wellspring of confidence you will meet in the video above, I would rather like to commend him for it, as misplaced as it may have been. Because I can assure you that none of us — not one  — has ever been as confident in our ourselves as this man, if even for the briefest second. Nick Diaz may have perfected the “Come at me, bro” pose in the octagon, but the motherfucker was never crazy enough to let one of his opponents tee off on him until he crumbled to the ground in a heap. This gentleman was so confident in his abilities that he knew he could get knocked the fuck out and still beat his opponent. Sure, the second half of his gameplan kind of fell apart, but still, respect. Your move, Anderson.

(Props to MMAFighting for the find. The fight starts/ends at the 45 second mark.)

Yesterday’s knockout of the day featured a poor sap who was simply unprepared to deal with his opponent’s Rockette-esque strategy of starting the show with a high kick. And while today’s victim was lucky enough to make it through her opponent’s first kick intact, she completely forgot to follow the most basic rule of fighting: Always keep your hands up. This mental error would prove most detrimental to her 1-0 record as a professional fighter.

Someone grab a spatula.

-J. Jones

(If it didn’t work for Ken Shamrock, then chances are it ain’t going to work for you.) 

Look, spinning backfists aren’t for everybody. Sure, if you’re a malnurished Vietnam vet with a mean streak a mile long, then you can pretty much do whatever you want in the ring and get away with it. But if you’re an overweight amateur fighter who suddenly thinks he’s the white Yahir Reyes, it would probably be in your best interest to leave the study of centrifugal forces to the scientists. This theory also applies when you’re a trash-talking UFC middleweight fighting in the biggest rematch of your life against the pound-for-pound G.O.A.T who you have done nothing but belittle and insult for the past three or so years.

This was a lesson that Matt Lawrence would learn the hard way when he stepped into the ring against Dillon Cleckler at Island Fights 18.

Video after the jump. 

(One of these days, Alex, right to the moon!) 

As I’ve discussed before, being a writer for a “comedic” “MMA” website such as CagePotato has its positives and its negatives. The positives, of course, are the legions of swooning, scantily clad women that are literally willing to do anything to meet Jon Jones, Chuck Liddell, or whomever we are claiming to be incredibly close friends with at the time. There are also the lavish cars, houses, and general respect from your peers that have become a staple of the blogger trade to be grateful for.

But perhaps even greater than the constant influx of trim and general swagger that comes hand-in-hand with the MMA blogger lifestyle are the epic knockout videos we get to post whenever we feel like it under the false guise of “journalism.” And with the great injury curse of 2012 once again putting us all in the dumps, today seems perfect for one such occasion, so join us after the jump for a trifecta of KO’s (and even a flying triangle) to help you cope with the fact that yet another UFC event has been temporarily upended.

(We know, guys, we know…)

It doesn’t really matter how we lead into this knockout video, which features Anderson Silva Jr. a.k.a Michael Page at his highlighty best during a mixed rules bout at last weekend’s UCMMA 29 card. These words are ultimately meaningless; they might as well be gobbledygook. Because this knockout, though outstanding in its own right, barely stands a chance of distracting you from the bombshell that was dropped this afternoon. To sum things up using the words of the people who occupy my Twitter feed: No UFC 151. No Christmas. God is dead. Jon Jones is an scaredy-cat, punk-bitch, fake champ. Greg Jackson is a yoda-looking, wet blanket, douchenozzle. Etc, etc…

Check it out. Or don’t. Apathy has overwhelmed me. Walla, walla, walla peas and carrots.

Video after the jump. 

All praises be to the UG and Fightlinker for unearthing this bit of classic footage, which features none other than co-host of MMA Inside the Cage, Casey Oxendine (a.k.a. Tiki Ghosn’s evil twin brother a.k.a. the most despised man of the CP comments section) one-punch KO’ing a cornerman named Korey Hayes (a.k.a the coach of the Knoxville-based MMA team Cage Killers). The twist here is that Oxendine was not one of the men participating in the fight, but rather the man that was supposed to be keeping order. Given his popularity amongst you Taters, we figured we had to show you this on the off chance that you had yet to see it.

Though neither man has ever truly come forward with what exactly caused the confrontation in the first place, here’s a snippet of what Oxendine posted on the UG back when the incident occurred, detailing the consequences of his actions:

As the referee in this bout, there was alot of controversy as to whether I was justified in striking Mr Hayes during this incident. I wrote an extensive paragraph, stating that it was unlike me to strike another person outside of a combat sports setting. However, I felt as though I was in a dangerous situation and that he would have struck me if I hadn’t acted.

The event would evolve into the centerpiece of the issues concerning the legalization of the sport in [Tennessee]. When I attended the meeting that saw the state athletic commission finally pass sanctioning of amateur MMA, the incident was brought up. They wanted to make sure that if sanctioning were put in place, this sort of thing would not happend again. Everyone involved expressed openly that the incident cast a dark shadow on the sport, and felt we should move forward for the benefit of the sport.

Last night I attended an event at the National Guard Armory of New Tazwell, promoted Warrior Fighting Challenge. Only moments before my arrival, I was informed that ISKA had pulled their sanctioning, due to lack of insurance and security. The promoter insured me that the event would be run by “Sport Jiu-Jitsu” rules. Having attended the meetings of the State Athletic Commission, I was fully aware that all MMA event HAD TO BE SANCTIONED by one of three sanctioning bodies (ISKA, ISCF, and WKA). Realizing my fighters and cornermen could face later repercussions, I pulled them from the event. I arrived at the venue a few minutes later to collect my fighters. I passed the ticket counter and turned to walk down the hallway with Teammate Erick Jordan and my girlfrend. At this point, I noticed Korey Hayes out of the corner of my eye. Considering the nature of our last meeting and in the best interest of the event, I made it a point to avoid all contact. I did not make eye contact and I did not make any move toward Mr. Hayes whatsoever. However, as I turned my back and made my way toward the lockerooms, Mr Hayes struck me with a looping right punch from behind that shoved me into my girlfriend.

More from this story, including an alternate angle of the knockout, await you after the jump.

(Who wants to learn how to maker Tater Tots the *fun* way?) 

There are two schools of thought on how a given fighter should end their career in the UFC. The first, and perhaps most honorable method, involves a fighter going out on their shield, fighting until they can fight no more, so to speak. The second involves a fighter talking a ridiculous amount of trash, losing a fight in embarrassing fashion, and throwing a hissy fit backstage that only enforces their bosses decision to fire them. Thankfully, Mirko Cro Cop chose the former method (though he perhaps stuck around a couple fights too long), and after suffering a trio of (T)KO losses to Frank Mir, Brendan Schuab, and Roy Nelson, was ousted from the UFC.

This is not to say that we got any enjoyment out of witnessing the Croatian’s demise, but more so that we were happy to see Cro Cop come to the realization that his career in mixed martial arts had gone as far as it could go. His career in kickboxing, however, has seemingly yet to come to a crashing halt, as Filipvoic managed to pick up a rather impressive second round knockout victory over Loren Javier Jorge at K-1 Rising earlier today in Madrid, Spain.

Cro Cop looked better than we’ve seen him in quite some time, unleashing a few beautiful, snappy head kicks that were nothing short of nostalgic. But the finishing blows did not come as a result of his well-documented kicks, but rather from a series of uppercuts that dropped Jorge a two occasions, the latter of which he could not recover from. Cro Cop looked quick, efficient, and more than anything else, eager to finish the fight when presented the opportunity. Again, it was a very nostalgic experience for both Cro Cop and those who had the privilege of catching the fight.

Take a trip down memory lane after the jump. 

(Sean Salmon getting finished in the first round? You don’t say…)

Jorge Santiago has had perhaps the most disappointing UFC career of any top-tier import out there. While that statement may sound rather contradictory, Santiago’s accolades in any promotion not named the UFC (or King of the Cage) are pretty incredible. Not only is he a two-time defending Sengoku middleweight champion, but one of those defenses, which came at World Victory Road Presents: Sengoku 14 back in August of 2010, was a “Fight of the Year” earning performance over Kazuo Misaki. The man can fight is all we’re saying.

If you were to look at his record inside DW’s playground, however, you would see that all but one of his four losses (out of five performances) have ended by way of violent knockout. The Chris Leben left hook. The Alan Belcher head kick. And who could forget the Brian Stann beatdown. Thankfully, Santiago was able to bounce back from his most recent UFC run with a nasty first round knockout of 14-7 Leonardo Pecanha at Titan Fighting Championship 21 last March.

Check out the video after the jump. 

(The Wallaceberries taste like Wallaceberries!) 

With all the freak show greatness that comprised this past weekend, we all but forgot to report on some of the matchups that actually, you know, mattered. It’s kind of like when you went to Disney World with the intent of riding Space Mountain until you puked, but ended up stuck at the ring toss game all day because some ginger and his group of middle school friends called your form “faggy” and you HAD TO WIN THAT STUFFED DRAGON TO PROVE THEM WRONG. And we hate to say it, but Bob Sapp and Kimbo Slice will forever be the crappy carnival games that we simply cannot avoid.

In fact, while we were all watching “The Beast’s” record dip below the .500 mark at Saturday’s KSW-19 card (because somehow that just happened), there was a fight that took place earlier on the card that didn’t make us laugh and then immediately hang our heads in shame, believe it or not. We’re talking, of course, about Mamed Khalidov vs. Rodney Wallace. As we’ve stated before, Mamed Khalidov may be the best fighter out there not signed to a major promotion, and it kind of baffles us as to why. The Polish powerhouse’s record currently stands at 25-4, and over the past few years, he has quietly decimated every UFC washout that has crossed his path without batting an eye. Khalidov started out his 2011 season by adding to the legend of Irvin’s Curse, then rounded it out by scoring lightning quick submission victories over Matt Lindland and Jesse Taylor in successive bouts. But like a psychopathic Japanese girl after a mock casting audition, Khalidov is still waiting for that phone call.

Last weekend, he looked to make it four Zuffa vets in a row when he faced off against Rodney “Sho Nuff the Master” Wallace in a middleweight contest. As has become the standard for Khalidov, the bout featured a multitude of spinning based attacks and ended in less than two minutes.

Check out the brutal one punch-KO after the jump. 

Discussing Ken Shamrock’s recent loss history inspired us to dig up the video of his first-round loss to Kazushi Sakuraba, which went down at PRIDE 30 in October 2005. And watching the video reminded us of something we love/hate about Ken — his constant protest of early stoppages. Dude, maybe the refs wouldn’t step in so often if you could get hit without looking like you’ve lost consciousness. It’s a tough skill to learn, but an important one nonetheless.

Jason “The Punisher” Lambert — who takes on Wilson Gouveia on Saturday night — hasn’t fought since UFC 68 (3/3/07), but he proved himself to be a fighter of incredible heart during that match. Lambert was in big trouble during the first round, as Renato “Babalu” Sobral took his back and tried to sink in one of his infamous choke holds. But Lambert was able to defend the submission attempts and escape, and rocked Sobral with a couple of big punches when the fight went standing. Energized by his near-death, Lambert came out bashing in the second round, working Sobral over with ground-and-pound until Big John McCarthy stood the fighters up — which turned out to be the end for Babalu.

Okay, so Tommy Speer’s next opponent isn’t a total can. In fact, Anthony Johnson looked pretty damn promising in his Octagon debut at Ultimate Fight Night 10 (6/12/07), disposing of Chad Reiner with a 13-second knockout that should have made it onto our list. Reiner left the UFC directly after this fight and has since gone 3-0 in smaller shows.

How does a guy with only a 4-1 MMA record find himself ranked #6 on MMA Weekly’s list of the best current light heavyweights? Simple: When he’s Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, a judo champion and Team Quest member whose last two fights resulted in quick knockouts of MMA superstars Ricardo Arona and Antonio Rogerio Nogueira. This bout against Arona went down in April of this year; “The African Assassin” is scheduled to make his UFC debut next month at UFC 79 against Lyoto Machida (11-0), who has scored wins over Rich Franklin, Stephan Bonnar, and B.J. Penn. Should be a real corker.

Ultimate Ultimate Knockouts, a DVD collection of the all-time greatest K.O.’s in UFC history, hit stores today. Among the fighters featured are Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Tito Ortiz, Andrei Arlovski, Matt Hughes and Matt Serra, but the most frightening knockout on the disc comes from David “Tank” Abbott’s jaw-dropping debut against John Matua at UFC 6. Looking at Matua — a 400-pound beast who, as Michael Buffer manages to say with a straight face, is “a practitioner of Kuialua, the brutal Hawaiian art of bone-breaking” — you’d think he’d be the favorite against the beer-bellied Abbott. But Abbott makes his presence known immediately, punching Matua so hard that he ends up in an Awakenings-style paralysis, and then mocking him for it.

These days, Tank Abbott is seen as a relic of simpler times, when strikers couldn’t be bothered with learning how to grapple. He’s lost seven of his last nine fights (including once to Frank Mir). But on that night…he was brilliant.

In the headlining match at yesterday’s K-1 HERO’s Korea event in Seoul, Yoshihiro Akiyama proved that he had no ring rust from his 10-month lubrication-related suspension. Though he was generally considered an underdog in his matchup against Denis Kang — an American Top Team member who had gone 20-1-1 with one no contest in his last 23 fights — Akiyama looked razor-sharp once he settled in, busting Kang’s nose with a jab and stalking his opponent until he connected with a right uppercut that put Kang’s lights out. Check out 6:22-6:24 — that nose isn’t so much broken as exploded.