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Tag: Kung Fu u

Rumor Killer: Kimbo Definitely Won’t Fight Gannon or Star Opposite Hulk Hogan


(Reflecting on what might have been.)

Of all the incredulous claims about Kimbo Slice‘s future, it’s starting to seem like very few of them are going to pan out. Though Si.com reported that former Boston police officer Sean Gannon was the front runner to become Slice’s next opponent on the October 4 CBS show, Elite XC’s Jared Shaw told Five Ounces of Pain that the bout definitely won’t be happening. You could interpret this as a sign that Elite XC has officially gotten their collective mind right when it comes to Kimbo Slice matchmaking, but Sam Caplan says the fight was scratched not because it’s a pointless circus bout, but because of Gannon’s “financial demands.”

In other words, Elite XC is perfectly willing to bring YouTube quality fights to network TV, but only if they can do it cheap. Looks like we’re back to either Ken Shamrock or Brett Rogers.

Outside the cage, it looks as if Kimbo will no longer be co-starring with Hulk Hogan in the lovable 3-D children’s film “Kung Fu U.” According to the Wall Street Journal’s Market Watch, things fell apart “due to a misunderstanding among the agents involved with the Kimbo Slice deal” and Stereo Vision has since retracted their press release.

You know what that means? There’s a spot open in a hot new 3-D martial arts movie, and you get to play opposite Hulk Hogan, of “Mr. Nanny” fame! Get those audition tapes ready. Try to make them better than this one.

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Kimbo Slice to Co-Star with Hulk Hogan in New Children’s Movie


(‘Get your narrow asses into that theater and see my damn movie.’)

I actually wrote that headline about a year ago after suffering through a long bout of insomnia. I was delirious and running around in nothing but a pair of waders and a replica L.A. Rams helmet, and without knowing what the words meant I carved them into the wall of my bedroom with a rusty nail. It was a very dark time for me. Never did I think my prophecy would come to pass. Now I fear I’ve somehow brought this down upon our heads by inadvertently calling upon Gods that are both too powerful and too cruel.

According to media sources, Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are set to co-star in a martial arts children’s comedy entitled, “Kung Fu U”.

It’s about a group of nerdy kids who are sent to a special school (Kung Fu U, we presume) to learn fighting skills that will help them stand up to bullies. Their instructors, played by Slice and Hogan, help them out, and in turn the kids help them by teaching some bullshit lessons about their bullshit lives. And who’s behind this? How about Stereo Vision, which is chaired by “Baywatch” creator David Schwartz, a man who knows better than anyone how to grab onto the zeitgeist and ride it for all it’s worth:

“We’re very happy to have Kimbo Slice co-starring in ‘Kung Fu U.’ He has an enormous media presence, and he’ll fit right in with our star Hulk Hogan, and the other cast members in our made for kids 3D movie. We hope to have ‘Kung Fu U’ in 3D in theatres by the fall of ’09.”

Oh, good. It’s in 3D. For a minute there I was concerned that this children’s movie starring a former pro wrestler and a former bodyguard for internet pornographers might turn out to be a horrible fiasco. But no, 3D. That’s how all the quality films are done. Just look at “Captain EO”.

Aren’t you usually supposed to wait until you’re a top-ranked fighter before you start indulging in the kinds of distractions that will eventually pull you away from the fight game? Isn’t that typically how it goes? Perhaps times have changed. They must have, because for once Hulk Hogan is poised to be the veteran actor on the set. One can only imagine his advice for Kimbo on how to really locate and understand the motivations of your character, brother.

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