#10: ‘Hood boxing:
A clinch on the sidewalk evolves into an all-out striking contest literally in the street. The guy in the Rivera jersey has a much longer reach and lands some nice shots on the dude in the white shirt, but the little guy has some spunk in him, even after getting rocked. And you gotta love the commentator, whose main contribution is “Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh.” Watch out Mike Goldberg, someone is eyeing your job.
#9: Batman and Spiderman kick the shit out of some fat kid: Apparently the kid was a heckler, and “Batman and Spiderman” are just costumed actors pretending to be the superheroes. But it’s still trippy to see them whale on a civilian. “The police are on their way, Batman” — awesome.
Because some of you asked for it during our recent roundup of the lamest, here are our picks for the best. Please post your opinions in the comments, but keep in mind that nu-metal is for fairies, and French rap music will absolutely not be tolerated. 5. Shonie Carter (UFC 53) — “Superfly,” Curtis Mayfield [...]
8. Ed Herman We all know what the song is supposed to be about and we’re all wondering what business it has being an entrance song. It doesn’t even have a cool beat. But that didn’t stop Ed Herman from using ”In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at UFC 72. I can feel it, coming in the…okay, that’s enough. [...]
5. Terry Martin puts up his dukes…sort of
The second round had just started at UFC 54: Boiling Point, when James Irvin went airborne for a flying knee. Terry Martin had battled Irvin for a round already and decided to go all soft and not protect his face. He goes down limp except for his arms, which stay raised in an “I’m not worthy” position. Moments like this should serve more as a warning to never lower your guard for even a second — it’s very likely that you’ll end up on your back looking like a chump.
4. Johnnie Morton thinks he’s playing football
Johnnie Morton was a good receiver in the pros and at USC. But does that translate to the ring? Apparently not. Especially when it appears he’s just trying to go for a weak tackle the entire time. Morton debuted his new career at K-1 Hero’s in June, displaying some of the worst technique and defense seen all year. Bernard Ackah’s nothing special, but he was good enough to see when Morton left himself exposed, and knocked homeboy out in 35 seconds. Don’t quit your day job, Johnnie — oh wait, no one wants you in the NFL these days, either.
3. Matt Lindland KO’s himself slamming Falaniko Vitale
This one went down back at UFC 43: Meltdown, where everyone thought it was just a matter of time before The Law brought Niko down. But nobody expected Lindland to misjudge the turn on the chest-to-chest slam. Lindland gets his head wedged between Niko’s falling melon and the mat, taking himself down for the count. What, A, Loser. We should mention that five months later, Lindland got his revenge and took Vitale out, not that it redeemed the shamefulness of this particular night.
8. Fedor Emelianenko vs Josh Barnett
As Emelianenko climbed to the top of the PRIDE heavyweight ranks, the only fighter who eluded one of his signature ass-whippings was the one big name he never fought: the Baby Faced Assassin, Josh Barnett. When his name came up as a possible opponent for Fedor at Yarennoka!, our heart skipped a beat. Then, reality set in. Fedor would most likely do to Barnett what he does to everyone else — turn him into a human punching-bag for 2-15 minutes depending on how hard his skull is — but Barnett is an A-level fighter and it wouldn’t be fair to count him out against anybody (even though we just did).
7. Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Andrei Arlovski
While every other heavyweight match the UFC books seems to feature Tim “Xanax” Sylvia, the organization’s two most exciting stars are sitting on the bench. Anytime you put two offensive powerhouses — neither of whom has much of a chin — in a cage together, you’re guaranteed to see fireworks. It doesn’t matter that Cro Cop is coming off of back-to-back losses and there really wouldn’t be anything on the line; fans would kill to see these guys bash it out.
10. Jens Pulver vs John Lewis (15 seconds)
UFC 28: High Stakes was the venue for this classic KO. The left hook that Lil’ Evil lands is the stuff that bar-fight dreams are made of. Lewis hits the mat and appears to want to fight the ref for a few seconds until deciding he’s better off lying still. Not much to it, but damn what a shot to the face – and one that pushed Lewis into early retirement.
9. Gary Goodridge vs Paul Herrerra (13 seconds).
Way back in 1996 at UFC 8: David vs. Goliath, Goodridge squared up against Herrera in what was being billed as a “solid match.” If by “solid” they meant a guy getting elbowed almost to death, then solid it was. Goodridge quickly wrapped Herrera up and was on his way to a submission, but decided, “Why not? I’ll just try and kill him instead.” Double G then proceeds to land elbow after elbow to Herrera’s temple, rendering him pretty damn lifeless.
8. Aleksander Emelianenko vs. James Thompson(11 seconds)
Well, this one just makes us smile. First you have James Thompson, built like a Mack truck and shaking with fury. Then you have doughy Aleksander Emelianenko, who looks like he just woke up from a nap. As they meet in the center of the ring, Thompson gives Emelianenko a stare-down that would crush cement; Emelianenko calmly wipes a booger off his upper lip. If you haven’t seen what happens next, we won’t spoil it for you…
10. Dan Severn (80-15-7)
Yes, he’s a UFC Hall-of-Famer who still racks up wins in smaller organizations. He’s also 53 goddamned years old. That has to be retirement age for a mixed martial artist. At this point in his life, he should be sipping Metamucil coladas and yelling at kids to get off of his lawn, not rolling on the mat with guys half his age. But we’ll vote to let “The Beast” stick around for at least one more match to see if he can maintain bladder control when socked in the gut.
9. Elvis Sinosic (8-11-2)
His retarded nickname is bad enough; his consistent mediocrity is absolutely inexcusable. Let’s start with the fact that he just got knocked out at Cage Rage by Paul Cahoon — a fighter playing .500 ball himself — in a mere 21 seconds. Well played, King, well played. While he may still have some fights left in him, we’d rather not risk having to yawn through another of his sleepwalk matches. Go back to Australia and rock ‘n rumble with the ‘roos, Elvis. They’ll probably take longer than 21 seconds to knock your middling ass out.
8. Nick Diaz (15-7, 1 NC)
Nick gets a spot on the list not for his positive marijuana test or terminated UFC contracts, but for his volcanic eye sockets. By now, the guy isn’t able to make it through one round without his eyelids shredding, the result of a rare condition also known as “shitty defense that causes your fragile face to get punched in.” We felt his pain when the doctor stopped his fight against K.J. Noons at EliteXC: Renegade, but unless he’s allowed to step into the ring wearing safety goggles, Little Nicky’s gotta go.
Though it has a long, proud history, the nationality + noun combination is always a risky move when crafting a nickname. If it’s “The Polish ____” it can end up sounding like the setup to a joke. (i.e., “You hear the one about the Polish Hammer? They use it to pound fingernails.” Or something like that, but much funnier.) With any other nationality, like “The Dutch ____,” it can end up sounding like a deviant sex act. Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis gets a pass because hand grenades are badass.