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The 95 Theses of MMA


(Advance upon me, my brother.”)

A Disputation on the Sorry-Ass State of Mixed Martial Arts, And Its Potential Improvement, by Ben Goldstein and Matt Saccaro.

Out of love and concern for the truth, and with the object of eliciting it, we humbly offer these 95 suggestions — nay, demands — to repair the sport of MMA, which has been deteriorating and fading from relevance for at least the past two years. One only needs to look at the pair of woeful UFC cards that are being offered today as proof of the over-saturation and plummeting quality that has turned MMA fandom into a depressing chore at times. (As a show of protest, we will not be giving those events any coverage. Unless something really crazy happens, obviously.)

If you support our efforts toward MMA reformation, please print these 95 theses out and nail them to the door of your nearest Buffalo Wild Wings.

1. Now that the UFC has proven it can hold two events on two continents on the same day, it must cease doing so at once. The overwhelming quantity of UFC shows has made every card seem interchangeable and generic, and has sapped our interest in the sport. More is not always better.

2. If the UFC refuses to reduce its frantic schedule, then its promoters must at least acknowledge that not every event is of equally high importance. UFC 172 was not “the most stacked card we’ve ever done in UFC history“; such violations of truth should be condemned.

3. The Lord Almighty did not intend for us to still be hearing STEMM’s “Face the Pain” on a regular basis in the year 2014. Indeed, this atrocious song must be banished from UFC pay-per-view broadcasts immediately.

4. The same goes for “Fallen,” a.k.a. the butt-rock riffage that closes out the UFC pay-per-views, and leaves us all with a headache before bedtime. You probably didn’t even know STEMM was responsible for that one too, but they are, God damn them.

5. Any MMA promotion that holds its events on Indian reservations and doesn’t bother to drug-test its fighters is not a promotion to be taken seriously.

6. In addition, it does not befit an A-list promotion to make a fighter’s purse dependent on ticket sales. If this is part of your business model, cease the charade of pretending to be big-time.

7. If the UFC claims to be a legitimate sports league, it must stop pretending that former champions never existed, simply because the president of the company has beef with them.

8. And: The president of the promotion must never do unflattering impressions of how female fighters look while wearing dresses.

9. And: The credentialed media in attendance must not laugh at those impressions, for the love of Jesus Christ.

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