(Insert whatever version of a “Ground-n-Pound” sex joke you see fit here.)

When UFC Hall of Famer Mark Coleman stormed onto the mixed martial arts scene in 1996 following a storied college wrestling career and top 10 placing in the 1992 Summer Olympics, he brought with him an economic, workman style of fighting that would lead him to championship glory on his first night out. The event was the aptly-named UFC 10: The Tournament, and after beating the rights to the nickname “The Hammer” out of Moti Horenstein in his very first fight (an agreement that Moti never honored), Coleman would take out veteran Gary Goodridge and UFC 8 tournament winner Don Frye in back-to-back fights to claim the tournament championship. Coleman would repeat this feat in even more dominant fashion at UFC 11 and would unify the Heavyweight and Superfight Championships at UFC 12 the following year by choking out fellow scary wrestler Dan Severn. With the victory, Coleman’s legacy as one of the sport’s pioneers was all but written in the history books.

But Coleman didn’t stop there. Over the next 14 years, Coleman would not only popularize but would be dubbed “The Godfather” of the wrestling-based, “ground-n-pound” attack that would lead him to a PRIDE openweight championship in 2000 and a list of victories over the likes of Mauricio Rua, Stephan Bonnar, and Igor Vovchanchyn to name a few. But as all good things must come to an end, so must the legendary career of the now 48 year-old Coleman. Although he hasn’t fought since his 2010 submission loss to Randy Couture — a bout that would mark the first Hall of Famer vs. Hall of Famer fight in UFC history — Coleman has decided to officially announce his retirement from the sport as of yesterday. “The Hammer,” who is scheduled to undergo hip surgery next week (because that’s what old people do, amiright? *self-fives*), posted the following on his Facebook:

Total Hip replacement next Monday. Ouch.

The hammer is done fighting. I know been done. Just looking for some prayers.

i thank everyone who will help me get through this. Have to pay to play sometimes. Only regret is could have worked harder.

Love you all live your dream.

After the jump: A look back at some of Coleman’s greatest moments, as well as one of his worst.

(The gang discusses favorite/greatest MMA fighters. Spoiler alert: You probably don’t agree with them.) 

If you’ve visited CagePotato in the past year or so, you are undoubtedly aware of the entertainment that a roundtable discussion between friends can bring. From memorable fighter run-ins to the P4P baddest motherfuckers ever, we have held many a debate in this fashion, and as is usually the case, the UFC and FuelTV have once again decided to ride in on our coattails. They began with the thoroughly captivating Champions edition, which featured the likes of Forrest Griffin, Jon Jones, Chuck Liddell, and Frank Mir discussing everything from the dark days of the UFC to its meteoric rise, and have continued the series recently with a panel of fighters that can only be described as “legendary.”

Randy Couture, Royce Gracie, Mark Coleman, and Tito Ortiz sit in for this edition, and dish on respect, favorite fighters, regrets, and the time Wanderlei Silva nearly soccer kicked Mike Van Arsdale’s head from his body. Tito Ortiz manages to air out his regrets without once mentioning Affliction or dick pics, and should be commended for his incredible ability to mentally blackout painful memories.

Join us after the jump for a collection of videos featuring the legends talking shop. We know this isn’t exactly breaking news or anything, but it’s real slow out there today, so why not take a trip down memory lane in the meantime?

Over the last ten years, we’ve watched Mauricio “Shogun” Rua go from young phenom to living legend. Though injuries and and controversial judging have occasionally slowed his momentum during the second half of his career, Shogun enters next weekend’s UFC on FOX 4 matchup with Brandon Vera as a standard-bearer for his generation of fighters, and is still considered among the elite of the light-heavyweight division.

In honor of Rua’s continuing legacy, we’ve picked out the 16 videos that best summarize his journey as a fighter — from the past to the present, from his most unforgettable triumphs to his most crushing defeats. Enjoy, and pay your respects in the comments section.

Mauricio Rua vs. Rodrigo Malheiros de Andrade. Shot in 1998 when Rua was just 16 years old, this footage shows the future PRIDE/UFC star competing in a Muay Thai smoker in somebody’s house in Curitiba, Brazil. Though Shogun shows flashes of his trademark aggression, his technique hasn’t quite blossomed yet, and he winds up getting head-kick KO’d at the video’s 7:15 mark.

Mauricio Rua vs. Rafael Freitas, Meca World Vale Tudo 7, 11/8/02. Rua was 20 years old when he made his official MMA debut against Rafael “Capoeira” Freitas, who was tenacious in his attempts to put Shogun on his back. But Freitas couldn’t keep him there, and the standup exchanges were lopsided in Rua’s favor. After a few minutes of abusing his opponent with knees, punches, and stomps, Shogun finally puts Freitas out cold with a head-kick.

(Photographer unknown. Level of badassery incalculable.)

For this installment of the CagePotato Roundtable, we invited a few of our photographer buddies over to discuss our all-time favorite MMA photos. Judging by our selections, shots of agony and defeat have a special attraction to them. I think it’s because they allow us to get close to an incredibly intense, transcendent moment, without having to experience the pain of it. And isn’t that why we love MMA in the first place? Our special guests for today are…

- Lee Whitehead, author of Blunt Force Trauma & The Mammoth Book of Mixed Martial Arts. You can see more of his work at www.leewhitehead.com, on Instagram, and on Twitter @leewhiteheadmma.

- Jon Sluder, who shot Bellator 34 for us back in October 2010. Check out his recent highlights at Sluder.net.

- Jason Wright, who shot UFC 119 for us back in September 2010; if you follow us on Facebook, you recently saw one of his highlights from that night. You can see more of J-Dog’s work at jasonwrightphotography.com.

Disclaimer: There’s a short list of MMA photographers who have asked us to stop posting their work on this site due to copyright issues, and a couple of contributors to this week’s column happened to select photos taken by those photographers. We’ve used stand-ins in those cases, with links to the actual photos. Also, we don’t know why BJ Penn is so heavily represented in this column. The guy always seems to be in the right place at the right time.

Lee Whitehead

(Click image for larger version.)

I have many favorite photos from all the years shooting MMA but this one has to rank amongst the very top purely because of all the flack and accusations of photoshop manipulation with the blood spurt; professionals can spot a ringer, and this ain’t one. The disappointing thing is that all negative comments detract from our main strength as MMA photographers — to understand the sport, spot smaller nuances, read the timing, and capture a key defining moment in a fight. To me, this brief slice of time from UFC 80 serves as the perfect reminder of how dominant BJ Penn was in his prime.

(That look in Chuck’s eyes — we know it well. / Full gallery is after the jump.)

Since our 25 Most Awkward Photos in MMA History gallery was such a big success, and because we could all use some stupid fun on a Friday afternoon, we decided to put together a GIF-based sequel. Enjoy the uncomfortable hilarity, and if we left out any of your favorites, please post some links in the comments section. Have a great weekend, Potato Nation!

None of us who watched it could ever forget when former UFC and Pride champion Mark Coleman embraced his sobbing daughters in the ring after losing to Fedor Emelianenko in 2006 and reassured them that “daddy was alright.” Turns out, neither have his daughters. But, according to one of them, it wasn’t nearly the terrifying experience that we all assumed it to be.

“It was so fun out there…I don’t regret it at all,” Coleman’s daughter said during an interview for an HDNet Fights segment on her dad, which you can check out above.

Coleman was also interviewed, and teared up when talking about the moment and the criticism that he received for it. The idea that he had in some way traumatized his daughters by bringing them to the fight — then introducing them to the man who beat him up — is still hard for Coleman to swallow. “Being a dad was the most important thing to me in the world,” he said.

We can’t really blame Coleman for trying to do what he thought was best, especially since it doesn’t look like he did it flippantly; he was just shouting out to his daughters in the audience with the mic, and PRIDE officials apparently ushered them into the ring to make for “good” TV. At any rate, it’s nice to see that his daughters are rockstar athletes now, rather than rabid anti-MMA activists.

-Elias Cepeda

Directed by Bobby Razak, whom you may know as the man behind the amazing Tapout short film, The Future of MMA (that video is after the jump), The History of MMA takes a nostalgic look back at the highs and lows of the sport we love oh so much, and includes commentary from several legends of the sport, including Bas Rutten, Frank Shamrock, Mark Coleman, and referee Big John McCarthy among others. And as luck would have it, Mr. Razak decided to drop the trailer yesterday. We would advise that you check it out.

As you can see, the film touches on many of MMA’s most infamous moments; John McCain’s labeling of the sport as “human cockfighting,” its evolution through Pancrase, and the moment Tito Ortiz decided he had what it took to roc da mic right, yeah. On a side note, we bet Tank Abbott is gonna be pissed when he finds out that his name and photo appear whilst Bas Rutten describes how the UFC used to bring in “big guys with no skill.”

Who are we kidding? Abbott sold his computer for Jim Beam years ago.

Anyway, join us after the jump to check out The Future of MMA, as well as an up close and personal excerpt from The History of MMA featuring Fred Ettish, a fighter whom, after getting obliterated in his only professional mixed martial arts contest at UFC 2, came back to claim his first win in 2009. At age 53.

(Severn and Shamrock: They were like the Michael Jackson and Prince of big, white grapplers who competed in early ’90s no-holds-barred matches.)

Happy Movember, everybody! In honor of the hairiest month of the year, we convinced UFC Hall of Famer Dan Severn to write a weekly column for CagePotato.com. For the first installment, he plucked some topics from our Facebook page, but he’s up for answering anything about his life, career, and moustache, so drop your own suggestions in the comments section. Visit DanSevern.com and Dan’s Facebook page for more Beast-related updates, and join the CagePotato Movember team if you want to help support a good cause!

Matthew Poulin asks: How many fights do you still want?

Dan Severn: It’s not so much how many fights I want to have. I want specific fights right now. I’ve had some verbal offers but haven’t had the opportunity to bring some of these matches to life. Two particular matches I’m still interested are ones with Mark Coleman and Ken Shamrock. Realistically, I think that 2012 will be my final year as an MMA competitor. So whatever gets done gets done; whatever doesn’t, I’ll have to learn to live with I guess.

(I dare you to mock this picture.) 

It’s hard to define someone like Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic, a man who is perhaps the most multi-faceted, not to mention intriguing figure in MMA. Aside from his incredible list of credentials including time in both the Croatian elite Special Forces Unit and Parliament, the man has amassed a mixed martial arts and kickboxing resume that reads like a Hall of Fame list in either sport.

But come Saturday night at UFC 137, Cro Cop will simply be fighting for the right to continue his career, or maybe just to end it on his own terms. In a way, Filipovic is kind of like the Metallica of the heavyweights, with his 2006 Pride Grand Prix win being his Master of Puppets. And, like Metallica, everything since then has been well…just kind of downhill. The devastating loss to Gabriel Gonzaga was his ReLoad, the bittersweet win over Pat Barry his Death Magnetic, and the back-to-back knockout losses to Frank Mir and Brendan Schuab his Lulu. Except, unlike Lulu, those losses only felt like an hour and a half of pure shit.

But as fans of the sport, we are pulling for Cro Cop to put on a hell of a performance on October 29th. Even at the cost of our parlays, it would be awesome to see some flashes of the old “Cro Cop” in what could be the last fight of his incredible career, which Old Dad has already promised us Mirko will do.

Look at me, blabbering on like some school girl. Let’s take a look and listen at Cro Cop’s greatest hits, “California Dreamin‘” aside.

(Brock, pre-c*ck sword)

Former UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar was born in Webster, South Dakota on this day in 1977.

Thanks to an undefeated 33-0 record he compiled in his final year of high school and an upset victory over top-seeded University of Minnesota heavyweight Brent Boeschans his division in the North Dakota State University’s Bison Open Tournament in 1997 while attending Bismarck Junior College, Lesnar was granted a full scholarship by Boeschans Alma Mater the following year after Bismarck dropped its wrestling program. Brock, who had amassed a 56-3 record in his two years at Bismarck wasted no time in making a name for himself at U of M by winning the Big 10 tournament and effectively ending Iowa’s 25-year streak as tournament champion.

ATTENTION PAUL BUENTELLO: Please do this at Bellator 48.  PLEASE.

“The only great failure in life is the failure to try.” -Some old wise man, probably with a large beard

Fail is sort of like porn. You can’t really define it properly, but you know it when you see it. And brother, we’ve seen some fail watching our favorite sport. It can happen anytime, from walking out to the ring, to celebrating your victory (see above), and anytime between. We here at CagePotato hold MMA and fighters in our highest regard … but we still like to point and laugh every once in a while. Allow us to present to you our first (in what we assume will be many) installment of MMA Fails.

Special thanks go out to anyone and everyone who ever GIF’d a video, including the fine people at UpstandingCitizens, MMA-Core, IronForgesIron, and MMATKO.  Props.

Now let’s get it on!

(Video courtesy of YouTube/LegalForLess)

Add UFC lightweight Clay Guida to the list of MMA fighters who have acted in television commercials. With the guest spot above he did in the latest Safe Auto Ad, “The Carpenter” joins the ranks of the likes of Kurt Pellegrino, Jon Jones, Georges St-Pierre, Bob Sapp, Wanderlei Silva, Mirko Cro Cop and Mark Coleman.

Check out some of our other amesomely cheesy favorites after the jump.

Yeah, if you’re looking for warm fuzzies, you can stop reading now. These two aren’t on the list. (Pic: MMAConvert.com)

Being a father must be one of the most thankless jobs on Earth. I say this not as a dad, but as a son who can only imagine what I put my father through. Sure, there are probably some happy times, like watching your son get his first hit on the baseball court, but largely it’s a never ending torrent of putting up with your son’s immature bullshit, and for that you get thought of one day a year at which time you’re rewarded with an ugly ass tie and a “Free Oil Change” coupon for the truck your son smashed up.

On this special occasion, take a few minutes to grab your old man, have a seat, and enjoy some good old fashioned shadenfreude with some of our sport’s less celebrated father-son moments. You may laugh, you may cry, but hopefully you’ll both realize that things could be a lot worse. Who knows, after a beer or two you may even decide to celebrate your strengthened bond by taking a class together.

To all the dads out there, keep fighting the good fight.

(The UFC Fighter Summit has a storybook ending. Congrats, Janitor.)

Some selected highlights from our friends around the MMA blogosphere. E-mail feedback@cagepotato.com for details on how your site can join the MMA Link Club…

- BJ Penn and Jake Shields Want to Fight Each Other (LowKick)

- Shane Carwin’s Cardio Under Microscope at UFC 131 (NBC Sports MMA)

- Rashad Evans Explains His Nightclub Altercation With Jon Jones; Insists ‘Bones’ Ducked Him (MMA Mania)

- Mac Danzig Out of Next Month’s Anticipated Clash With Donald Cerrone, Vagner Rocha to Replace (Five Ounces of Pain)

- Matt Mitrione: If Ortiz Is Still Upset After Confrontation, ‘Then We Can Scrap’ (MMA Fighting)

- Your Favorite Hooters Girl to Serve Ring Cards at ‘UFC 132: Cruz vs. Faber II’ (5thRound)

- This Will Be the Strangest Seven-Second Knockout You Will See This Year (MiddleEasy)

- Mark Coleman ‘Would Drop Everything’ To Fight Herschel Walker (MMA Convert)

- Video: Hector Lombard Gets Pissed at Reporter After Bellator 44 (TheFightNerd)

- Going Medieval: MMA’s 20 Worst Beatdowns (BleacherReport.com/MMA)

(The last time Big Daddy got paid on time and in full.)

By Cage Potato contributor Chris Colemon

Only 17 years removed from its inaugural bout, the UFC is just now exiting its awkward teen years and developing into a suave, sophisticated adult. After an extended bout of growing pains that at times threatened the sport’s very existence, MMA is finally coming into its own. Today’s fans witness seemingly daily achievements and milestones that speak to the sport’s rapid expansion. In 2010 alone, the UFC held its first events in Abu Dhabi and Australia, opened offices in China, set a new North American attendance record for an MMA event, crowned its first Mexican heavyweight champion, and launched their first attack in the Battle for New York.

But the UFC’s epic tale is not unlike any other in that each chapter begins where another one ends. For every historic first, there is an all but forgotten last.

Here is a short list of some of the UFC’s important lasts – the rules and regulations sacrificed in the fight for our sport’s survival.

Check them out after the jump.

(Props: ix3623vault)

At this point, emotional post-fight breakdowns are the norm for Phil Baroni. (Remember this old classic?) Since each loss seems like it could represent the end of the road for the veteran slugger, we understand why he takes them so hard. But as the above clip demonstrates, Baroni has always had a difficult time coping with losses, even the ones that came before he really had a professional career.

Prior to making his MMA debut in 2000, Phil Baroni was a standout on the Toughman amateur boxing circuit. Though he won most of his fights, he lost a decision to a dude named Sam Rodriguez (date of fight unknown), and reacted by storming out of the ring and beating up every inanimate object in sight, including a defenseless fire hose door. His longtime training partner Mark Coleman would later pay tribute to the incident in the acclaimed short film "FUUUUUUUUCK!"

And now that we have this bit of footage, we’re only missing one thing: A clip of Baroni throwing a tantrum after a loss at one of his old bodybuilding competitions. Make it happen, Internet.

(Props: densetsug via MiddleEasy. Match starts at the 2:01 mark)

UFC Hall of Famer Mark Coleman hasn’t competed in a legit MMA fight since he was choked out by Randy Couture at UFC 109. What you see above is Coleman performing in a worked MMA-style wrasslin’ match at the IGF Genome 13 event back in September against Shinichi Suzukawa (who will be appearing against Bob Sapp on the Dynamite!! 2010 card). The thing is, this particular work was supposed to be worked in Coleman‘s favor. We’ll let Phil Baroni tell the story:

"It was supppose to be a pro wrestling match. It was suppose to be 3 min.
Coleman was suppose to win. The fat fucking douch scum bag didnt do the match the way it was suppose to be. That film was eddited. The Fat didck was suppose to tap from a head lock. He would not and kept rope escaping. Coleman squeezed hard a few times and burnt him self out trying to get the guy to tap.

(Coleman and Shamrock had to be restrained by their respective corners after being informed prior to their bout that prune juice had been added to the banned substances list)

I’m not sure if it’s because of the weather, the beaches or their commission’s lax drug testing policies, but Australian MMA is attracting quite a few fighters these days.

MMANews is reporting that Ken Shamrock and Mark Coleman will face each other under the Strikeforce Aussie-based Impact Fighting Championships banner July 10. The promotion’s inaugural event will also feature a main card bout between Josh Barnett and Geronimo "Mondragon" Dos Santos.

(‘Is this about those stolen Octagon bracelets you found in my locker?  Because I was just holding those for Baroni.’ Photo courtesy of The Sun.)

It’s a tough time to be licking your wounds in the UFC. In a move that likely has every fighter to post an ‘L’ on his record at UFC 109 sweating bullets, the organization has reportedly released the “next Anderson Silva,” the “Godfather of ground-and-pound,” and the guy who was on the wrong end of the UFC’s fastest knockout (officially, anyway). Let’s take them one at a time, shall we?

- Mark Coleman (1-2 in his most recent UFC run) lost a one-sided contest of MMA elders to Randy Couture during a week that saw him run out of gas on the 215 freeway and get heckled by Tito Ortiz in his post-fight interview. Losing your job after all that makes your life start to sound like a cliché country music song. Please just tell us that his dog is okay.

(Skip to the 3:15 mark to hear Coleman’s thoughts on the rule changes in MMA that forced him to "learn a lot of other skills.")

Those of you who became MMA fans somewhere between "Iron Ring" and “Bully Beatdown” might not realize this, but there was a time when Mark Coleman was a holy terror as a fighter. We know, he didn’t look like it against Randy Couture at UFC 109, but give the guy a break. He’s 45 years-old and has been using his body (and sometimes his head) as a weapon to hurt other men since 1996. That stuff is bound to take a toll on you, which is why Couture is the exception and not the rule.

After his loss on Saturday night it now seems like Coleman is done, or at least done in the UFC.  At the very real risk of eulogizing Coleman’s career too soon, as we did with Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic’s – Christ, doesn’t anyone quit this sport when they should? – we’d like to pay tribute to the monster Coleman used to be by looking back at some of his finest MMA moments.

(Ortiz chats with Ariel Helwani, before and after heckling Mark Coleman.)

There are any number of reasons Tito Ortiz might have decided to try and steal the spotlight by shouting at Mark Coleman during his post-fight interview at UFC 109. For instance, he’s just always been kind of a prick, so there’s that. Or, if that’s not comprehensive enough for you, he’s also an opportunist prick, which is exactly the type of prick who would try to start a fight with an elderly opponent who had just shown himself to be easy pickings. But Ortiz’s official explanation for kicking Coleman while he was down? It was payback for that time his manager pointed out what we already know about Ortiz’s lady friend.

Of course, Coleman’s manager only said those things in retaliation for Ortiz calling Coleman a “sissy” after he pulled out of their scheduled bout with an injury, and then he apologized as soon as he calmed down and realized that an attack on Ortiz’s famous porn star girlfriend was neither cool nor necessary. But the HBBB isn’t going to let a little thing like that stop him from a) erroneously attributing the remark to Coleman, and b) being really immature about the whole thing. Why would he? This is Tito Ortiz we’re talking about here, who still insists that his ‘Chuck Liddell was an alcoholic’ comments were meant in the nicest way possible. He’s not one to let the truth get in the way of an opportunity to act like a total jerk.

(Mark Coleman shows these young whippersnappers what a proper punch-face looks like.  Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine’s UFC 109 gallery.)

After a night of upsets and several plodding decisions at UFC 109, we turn to the Potato Index to tell us who’s up and who’s down.

Randy Couture +77
Yes, he dominated Mark Coleman. And yes, that would have been impressive ten years ago. But let’s be brutally honest here. The way Coleman looked last night, there aren’t many light heavyweights in the UFC who couldn’t have beaten him. It’s still a good win for Couture, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ‘getting better with age.’ It just means Coleman isn’t.

Mark Coleman -91
Two months in Vegas working with a striking coach and he still can’t be bothered to move his head out of the way of a punch? DW is right; it’s time for “The Hammer” to hang it up. You don’t want to become another Ken Shamrock, Mark.

(Chael Sonnen explains that it’s the Ultimate *Fighting* Championship, not the Ultimate Mitt-Hitting, High-Altitude Training, Flipping a Tire Around, Screaming the Word "Yes" Championship. Props: MMA Fighting)

Following an expectation-exceeding night of action at UFC 109, the UFC handed out $60,000 pay-bumps to the following competitors:

Fight of the Night: Chael Sonnen and Nate Marquardt, for their bloody 15-minute grind, in which Sonnen survived a nasty choke attempt in the third round to secure the decision victory and earn a middleweight title shot.

Knockout of the Night: Matt Serra, for beating down Frank Trigg and proving that his hands are always dangerous, even if they’re on the end of very short arms.

Submission of the Night: Paulo Thiago, for putting Mike Swick to sleep with a D’Arce choke after knocking him to the mat in the second round of their fight. Thiago: 2, AKA: 1.

In other news…

(Couture vs. Coleman hype video by Genghis Con. Respect your elders, son.)

ATTENTION, POTATO NATION: It’s Friday afternoon, which means there’s still time to join MMA FightPicker and submit your predictions for tomorrow night’s UFC 109 card. For the thousands of players who have already signed up, we thank you, and we want you to know that we’ll be battling alongside you. In fact, BF and BG have both joined "Palooka Pool 30 #173" in an effort to determine a house champion. (Ed. note: The loser of this challenge will have to get a tattoo on his ass that says "Ben owns this. Not me, the other Ben.") So please join a FightPicker pool if you haven’t already, then take a look at how we’re answering the questions this week…

1. Randy Couture vs. Mark Coleman at UFC 109: Who will win?
BF: Randy Couture. If Couture can only beat one type of fighter on the UFC roster, it’s the type that Coleman happens to be: old, a little bit slow, and too dependent on his wrestling ability.
BG: Randy Couture. Couture is the master of the gameplan. Coleman drives around Vegas for two days with his low-fuel light on because he’s always late to practice, and runs out of gas on the 215 even though he "put that little extra in there" to begin with. Difference in mental preparation, is what I’m saying.

2. Randy Couture vs. Mark Coleman: Who will score the first takedown?
BF: Randy Couture. This is a little tougher to call, because sometimes the first takedown is determined in part by who’s gunning for takedowns right out of the gate, which should be Coleman. I still think Couture can stifle him until he’s ready to work for something out of the clinch, maybe early in the second round.
BG: Randy Couture. Ditto to all that. You might see these two guys try to prove a point by slugging for a couple rounds, but the Natural will eventually put Coleman on his back from the clinch.

3. Nate Marquardt vs. Chael Sonnen: Who will win?
BF: Nate Marquardt. Chael Sonnen says he doesn’t know what tools he has to beat Marquardt with. It might be the most sensible thing he’s said in weeks.
BG: Nate Marquardt. Okay, agreeing with you is starting to get very boring. I’d better start making some ridiculous picks to liven things up around here…

(This can mean only one of two things: either the UFC is putting on a main event between two MMA dinosaurs, or it’s ‘makeover your dad’ week on "The Ellen Degeneres Show." Photo courtesy of Combat Lifesyle’s presser gallery.)

So who’s going to win the old-timer’s main event bout at UFC 109? Which undercard fighter is most likely to join the ranks of the unemployed after this weekend? Why is my Toyota making that weird sound? At least two of these important questions will be answered in this installment of Ben vs. Ben. Read on to find out which remains a mystery.

There’s some crazy talk that the winner of Randy Couture-Mark Coleman could be in the running for a title shot. Do you have any interest in seeing that? If not, what would you recommend as a next step for the winner and the loser?

BF: If by “in the running,” you mean well behind the winner of Rampage Jackson-Rashad Evans and somewhere just in front of the winner of Tito Ortiz-Chuck Liddell, then sure. In other words, the elderly survivor here is not completely out of the picture. At least not until he is forced to win at least one more fight, at which point he’ll be knocked right out of the picture once again.

(Looks like somebody forgot to "put that little extra in there."  Photo courtesy of The Sun.)

Now that we’ve relaunched our t-shirt giveaways, it’s like a hot load of reeking chum has been tossed into the water with you blood-crazed commenting-sharks. Y’all brought it hard this week, until we really didn’t want it anymore, and we were just waiting for you to finish so we could get some sleep. (So to speak.) Moving on…

mynameisalsoben on "Mark Coleman Has Been Going Through Some Times, Brother":
C’mon we shouldn’t be surprised here…Mark’s always been known to have a small gas tank.

mma samurai on "Herschel Walker’s MMA Debut Has Only Emboldened Jose Canseco":
What’s Canseco talking about? Cyborg is the real bad boy of sports.

Viva Hate on "Completely Unnecessary Rematch Alert: Wes Sims vs. Tim Sylvia II":
Loser needs to retire and the winner needs to retire.

And finally, the audience award for Comment of the Week:

steampunk22 on "The New York Times Attempts to Find Out Why Jesus Didn’t Tap":
Why am I not surprised? The church has been trying to tap young boys for the last thousand years!

If your name has been called, please e-mail feedback@cagepotato.com with your real name, address, and shirt size, and we’ll get a CagePotato Devil Horns shirt out to you soon. (Disclaimer: CagePotato.com’s definition of "soon" may be very different from your own.)

Things to love about Steve Cofield‘s interview with Mark Coleman, in no particular order:

– The way Coleman describes a car accident in which he skidded through the intersection and went up on "the medium."

– That he says he’s been living in the Palace Station of late and dreads leaving because of all the stuff he has to pack up, making him the first person in history to put off a move from the Palace Station to the Manadalay Bay.

– That when Coleman finishes telling his story about running out of gas on the 215 freeway and Cofield asks if he’s ever had something similar happen before he responds, "Well, hell yeah."

(For those of you who hate reading, watch me, Steve Cofield, and Dave Farra run through our betting picks for Raw Vegas.)

The UFC’s Seniors Tour kicks into high gear this weekend with the Randy Couture-Mark Coleman main event at UFC 109, which means the gamblers among us have even more variables to take into account than usual. We may not have to worry about Octagon jitters from these guys, but we do have to ask ourselves other important questions, like whose joints are more viable these days? Who starts more sentences with, ‘Back in my day…’? Who will reek worse of Icy Hot at fight time? Perhaps most importantly, who needs that win bonus more?

Some things for you to ponder as we look at current betting lines from across the internet, courtesy of BestFightOdds.com:

Randy Couture (-396) vs. Mark Coleman (+350)
Nate Marquardt (-350) vs. Chael Sonnen (+325)
Mike Swick (-220) vs. Paulo Thiago (+202)
Matt Serra (-130) vs. Frank Trigg (+125)
Dan Miller (+325) vs. Demian Maia (-330)

The breakdown…

We’ve been waiting for the UFC to tell us what the importance of the Randy Couture-Mark Coleman main event at UFC 109 really is.  Finally, the wait is over.  To the untrained eye it might just look like two MMA dinosaurs going at it because neither of them has anything better to do, but that’s far too simplistic.  Really, this fight is happening now because it didn’t happen back when both guys had hair and you could still become a UFC champ by beating up fat dudes who wore shirts into the Octagon.  But beyond that, Dana White explains that Couture wants to win because he’s a competitor and winning is better than losing, as a rule, but "as far as livelihood and career, Mark Coleman needs this win a lot worse than Randy Couture does."

Translation?  Couture has a little money saved, as well as some other sources of income, but Coleman is broke as a joke and needs this paycheck bad.  Cue the close-up of Coleman looking old and haggard, juxtapose it with clips from his dominant, extremely well-muscled youth, and then close with DW suggesting that Coleman’s fourteen-year career has all been preamble to this fight, intoning, "if he can go in there and beat Randy Couture, wow, holy [expletive], Mark Coleman’s back."

And scene.  That’s how you cut a promo, people.  And, just in case you’re curious, this is how you deal with a frustrating loss…

(No Don, there is not going to be free tequila at this film festival. And no, we are not shitting you about that.)

There are two types of old school MMA legends: the ones who will gladly tell you how much better the sport and its athletes are now than they were ten years ago, and the ones who will insist that the fighters of today are all a bunch of gutless pussies. Don Frye is in the latter camp. He frequently says that he doesn’t watch the UFC or even follow the sport in general with much interest, and yet he also seems certain that the kids these days are a bunch of punks who spend more time styling their hair than beating people up. It’s sort of like how your grandfather can manage to hate gays and people of other ethnicities despite not personally knowing anyone from either demographic. Some gifts just come with age.

But now the UFC may have finally put together a fight that interests Frye. Talking with The Rumble this week, “The Predator” admitted that even he can’t pass up the chance to see Mark Coleman and Randy Couture go at it in the main event of UFC 109:

"This might be the first UFC I buy and actually watch in about 10 years, you know?" Frye said. "These two guys, it’s going to be one hell of a barnburner. They’re going to show these new guys how to fight."