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Tag: Martial Arts Fail of the Week

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Steven Seagal’s Russian “Masterclass” Is a Gift From Above


(Looking like a little more than a glimmer these days, eh Sensei?)

Before we get into this, the glorious return of the Martial Arts Fail of the Week, I’d like to make a couple things clear:

1.) Yes, we here at CagePotato are aware of our long, oft-vitriolic history regarding action movie star, part time police officer/school shooting survival expert, unofficial American ambassador to Russia, tax cheat, and perpetual boil on the ass of MMA, Steven Seagal. We’ve made fun of him a lot, basically — from his weight gain over the years (see above) to his rambling, hallucinatory, endlessly quotable interview snippets to that time Judo Gene made him sh*t his pants – but can you really blame us? THE MAN CLAIMS TO HAVE INVENTED THE FRONT KICK, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

2.) Despite all we’ve said about Seagal, we are not too big to overlook the man’s well-documented skills and well-earned accolades regarding said skills. He may be a literal shadow of his former self (seriously, has anyone seen him donning anything but black since, like, 2006?), but the fact remains that Seagal is one lethal sumbitch who could probably lay waste to the entire CagePotato staff without (barely) breaking a sweat.

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, holy shit, you guys, you NEED to see this video of Seagal’s recent “martial arts masterclass” held in Russia.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Obese Russian Jedi Knight Teaches You How to Fight

We don’t have a ton of information to go on in regards to this week’s Martial Arts Fail. All we know is that a guy named Lev Ivanov (not THAT Lev Ivanov) uploaded this video (and a bunch of others) to Facebook, claiming they’re a badass example of the martial art Systema. The video itself is pretty great. It’s just some fat dude living out his fantasy of being a super awesome Jedi and flinging padawans around with the force like it’s nobody’s god damn business.

A quick Google search for “Lev Ivanov systema” only yielded this Facebook page and other Facebook pages sharing these videos — and then a ton of links to the more famous Lev Ivanov, a Russian ballet dancer.

But we urge you to watch all of this dude’s videos because they’re all equally horrific. There’s one after the jump that’s arguably even worse than the one above.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: “Slap Jitsu” Made Us Laugh Harder Than Any Previous Martial Arts Fail Video


(We lost it at about 0:06)

This might actually be the dumbest thing we’ve ever seen on our Martial Arts Fail of the Week segment.

I know we say that a lot, but we’ve never actually laughed harder at a martial arts video. Watching a fat kid running forwards at full speed while moving his hands like he was trying to juggle the air itself had us in tears.

We couldn’t really find out a whole lot about these guys. The first time we watched the video (which was sent to us on Twitter, by the way) we actually thought it was a parody. We couldn’t believe people actually trained in this stuff and thought it was legit. Then we remembered Balinese White Magic, Ashida Kim, and Bo Fung Do. So yeah, it’s probably safe to say this isn’t some kind of parody of ridiculous martial arts videos and that the people in the video believe in what they’re doing.

We tried to figure out who these guys are. Check out the results after the jump.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: A Kung Fu Instructor With a Chuck Liddell-Level Beer Gut

Another weekend, another Martial Arts Fail of the Week.

Today we don’t have anything quite as scandalous as instructors telling you to shit yourself or claiming that defeating a wrestler is as easy as sidestepping a takedown.

Instead, we have an example of the kind of shoddy martial arts techniques being taught in dojos across the country. This is the kind of stuff Martial Arts Fail was originally started to expose: Techniques of dubious validity practiced on partners that are totally compliant. How is that kind of stuff supposed to teach a person how to fight and defend themselves?

So anyway, this week’s example is from a San Soo Kung Fu school. If you’re an MMA history buff, you’d recognize that name. UFC 2‘s Thaddeus Luster was a representative of the style (and he got dominated by a Sambo practitioner). This school in particular belongs to Bill Hulsey, the instructor in the video, who’s been running the school for 39 years.

To us, the video typifies martial arts. An old, deified “master” with a huge beer gut makes himself look like a Mortal Kombat character by beating up a compliant student.

The guy has tons more videos. Have a look at some of the highlights:

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Smear Shit on Yourself to Prevent Rape

Rape prevention is a serious topic and a noble endeavor but the guys in this video have pretty much no clue about it.

Many of the techniques are “street” techniques that simply assume someone is going to let you eye gouge them or hit them in the balls without doing anything–like they’ll just stand there and let you do it. To quote Daniel Cormier, “Do you think I’m just gonna sit there and let you kill me?

Anyway, these guys are basically peddling martial arts snake oil–or snake excrement. That’s right, shitting and pissing yourself is among the techniques they advocate. They also suggest rubbing shit on your arms and on your face, a Martial Arts Fail of the Week first.

Get a rundown of who these guys are (and what popular movie one of them was in) after the jump.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Defeat Attackers By Staring At Them and Stop Swords With Your Mind

Another weekend means another Martial Arts Fail of the Week!

Today we have a Bullshido master who’s EVEN WORSE than the Finnish chi master who telepathically subdued his foes.

His name is Masanori Abe, and his powers are so lethal he can drop you to the canvas with just a stare! Watch the above video for proof.

This guy is also a master swordsman–and not through years of training and lightning-quick reflexes, but through magic. In the below video, watch him stop his opponent’s training swords through pure mental fortitude. Check it out after the jump.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Systema Instructor Takes Out a Compliant Biker Gang

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Martial Arts Fail of the Week here on CagePotato.

First we were busy crafting the 95 Theses of MMA.

Now we’re busy with another magic, top secret project that likely won’t surface for a few weeks at the very earliest. But rest assured, we have our top men working on it…Top. Men.

As a result, we haven’t really had the time to delve through YouTube’s dearth of martial arts vids and expose hilarious frauds and fails. Thankfully, a Twitter-friend (@BurritoBrosShit) tipped us off to the video we’re presenting you today: A Korean Systema instructor showing how much of a bad-ass he is by beating up compliant training partners dressed as bikers. One of them is dressed as Marty McFly from Back to the Future.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Pagan Ninja Prostitute Teaches You How to Make a Smokescreen

We really wish we had more to say about this week’s Martial Arts Fail, PotatoNation. But the video and the headline sort of speak for themselves. It’s a ninja who happens to be a witch, a pagan, and an escort (according to her extremely NSFW twitter). In the above video she does some cool ninja moves of dubious real life effectiveness and teaches you how to make a smokescreen.

The below video has some more intense ninja training (sword fights, fire, scaling buildings, throwing stars, and even an arm-bar) and it can be seen after the jump.

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Balinese White Magic Is the Best Base for MMA

Remember when we said nobody on Martial Arts Fail of the Week could possibly be worse than Ashida Kim?

We might’ve been wrong.

Enter Yellow Bamboo, a martial art based on “Balinese White Magic” which promises to create “the necessary power within you to achieve whatever positive outcome you desire.”

In the case of the above video, the outcome most people desire is apparently being able to send legions of defrauded fools into spasms by posing and screaming as loud as you possibly can like you’re on Dragon Ball Z.

What’s even better is that these Jedi Knight-like powers can be yours, FREE! All you have to do is send the school an email and they’ll send you the download link. Fortunately for the Potato Nation, someone linked their training on YouTube. It’s as laughable as you might expect. There’s crazy, rice-related initiation ceremonies, holy water, singing, full moons, energy beams, and other insanity. This might be the most cult-like martial art we’ve ever seen.

The best part of all this, though, is that some of these Yellow Bamboo guys were officially exposed in a real fight, not unlike the Finnish Ki master who was featured on CagePotato’s first-ever Martial Arts Fail of the Week. Check out these Yellow Bamboo scrubs getting choked out after the jump…

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Martial Arts Fail of the Week: The Mystic Art of Bo Fung Do

What, you haven’t heard of Bo Fung Do? Are you some kind of martial arts hobbyist or something? We only cater to hardcore fans at CagePotato, so here’s the rundown:

Bo Fung Do is “a martial art system geared for practical self defense against one or more opponents.” It’s a Wing Chun offshoot whose name means “The Way of the Sudden Storm.”

Judging by the above video, there’s no better way to prepare for a street fight against multiple opponents than to flail at opponents adorned in more padding than a self-conscious teenage girl’s bra.

Actually, we’re not being fair. There’s another crucial aspect to this ancient, prestigious art:  Fighting in front of some strobe lights while being blasted with fake snow. See a video of it after the jump.

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