10. "I’m here to get paid and hurt people’s feelings, so…it’s time to do the man dance." — Damarques Johnson, offering his mission statement.

9. "You just gotta do what you gotta do whatcha can." — Dan Henderson, on the meaning of life.

8. “Oiiiieeeeehhhh!” — Michael Bisping, every time a Team U.K. fighter landed a shot on an American, and sometimes when they just came close.

7. "Put another shrimp on the barbie!" — Rob Browning, not the most worldly gentleman, tries to mock the Brits with a beloved Australian catchphrase.

Last night’s season finale of The Ultimate Fighter ended with each coach telling us exactly what he thinks of the other guy; basically, Dan Henderson thinks Michael Bisping‘s a douchebag, and Bisping thinks Henderson’s time has passed. And maybe they’re both right. But with three weeks left until they face each other at UFC 100, tensions aren’t exactly building. Here’s a highlight from a media conference call held earlier today, via MMA Fanhouse:

(Click above for the completed TUF 9 welterweight bracket. Props: Wikipedia.)

With the last welterweight semifinal coming up, Team U.S. comes together for one last barbecue. Frank Lester gets all swoony over Dan Henderson, telling Hendo "your eyes don’t look bad at all" and "I wouldn’t fuck with you because of your ears." This is what six weeks without women will do to a man.

Damarques Johnson does his best to build up Lester’s confidence for his fight against James Wilks. He says James can’t absorb as much damage as Frank and be okay with it. We never really got to see why Damarques hates James so much, but Damarques tells us that "James is just such a pompous prick, and I want Frank to hurt him badly." He also refers to James as a "pretty boy." Seriously. This James Wilks. I think it’s safe to say that Damarques has a different standard of beauty than the rest of us. Just another example of how the absence of females can distort your perceptions.

TUF 9.10, Osipczak vs. Johnson – Watch more Funny Videos

It’s time to pick TUF 9‘s semi-final matchups, and while this could have been another opportunity for an argument, Bisping and Henderson are pretty much on the same page. They’d like to see Cameron/Ross and Jason/Andre in the lightweight bracket, and James/Demarques and Nick/Frank for the welterweights. The fighters are asked who they want to take on. James wants Damarques and Damarques wants James. ("I want to hurt his feelings.") Nick wants Frankie and Frankie wants Nick. Ross wants Jason, but Jason wants Andre, and Andre is "happy to fight eeva."

Cameron breaks ranks and brings up his teammate Jason Dent as the guy he’d like to fight. He tries to backtrack, but the seed has already been planted in Dana’s head. DW suggests putting teammates against each other in the semis. "Fuck that, no way," Bisping says. Then, echoing the thoughts of every Internet message board conspiracy theorist: "What so you can guarantee one of each in the finals?…I think we have the stronger team and you’re worried that you’ll have an all-UK final."

(Relax, Mike — you can’t catch it just by touching him. Photo courtesy of myvegasscene.com.)

According to the Manchester Evening News, the coaches of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S vs. U.K. will be fighting for more than brgging rights during their clash at UFC 100.

("Back, and to the left…back, and to the left…")

With Jason Pierce pulled from the competition due to a combination of staph infection and bitchassness, Team USA needs to replace him with one of their eliminated welterweights. Mark Miller tells Dana White that he’s down to fight, but he has a broken nose ("It’s just a nose, I’m not getting any prettier"), and privately he wonders if he’s ready, since he hasn’t been able to train since his last fight. Frank Lester wants it bad, but his face is an absolute mess, with two black eyes, an aching nose, and a row of missing teeth.

Santino interrogates Pierce about why he isn’t fighting. Pierce claims that he totally tried to stay in the competition, but Dana looked at his leg and said he couldn’t fight — which is not exactly what happened, and the guys know it. Damarques thinks Pierce should be stripped of his TapouT gear. Lester furiously shadow-boxes.

In which Santino calls B.S. on Michael Bisping‘s jet-lag excuse, shares some insight on Frank Lester (pictured above, with jacked-up teeth), and hints that we’ll soon be seeing one of the biggest turncoat-acts in TUF history.

***

I am not so sure Captain Britania had suffered the amount of jet lag as he would lead us to believe. I mean, seriously, we had been filming for two to three weeks by that point and all the other coaches of the land of the rising Brit had figured out their sleeping schedules just fine. Booze-lag would be my assumption, as we had heard of him being in bars/clubs quite frequently from reputable sources…our coaches! Not all of them, but a couple. The best part of hearing about the head UK "piss-artist" (look it up as it has a different meaning in the UK as what you are thinking) is all the run-ins he had with our Jiu Jitsu coach, Pancho. Pancho, or Pantcho as he would end up spelling it (he’s right off the boat and doesn’t exactly have the best understanding of our language) got into a verbal joust with "Michael Bitchbing," as Pantcho would say, and almost got into a bit of a fist-a-cuffs exchange one night at a club.

The Ultimate Fighter 9 – Episode 6 Submissions – Watch more Funny Videos

When Michael Bisping went AWOL during Dean Amasinger’s fight against Damarques Johnson, the nation wanted answers. Had he been in a car wreck? Was he holed up in a motel room with a crack pipe? Did he finally get picked up on his outstanding buggery warrants? Nah, the dude just overslept. He was badly jet-lagged, and was sawing logs while Dean was getting his ass kicked. Not exactly the cliffhanger we were hoping for, and the whole thing was resolved in about 20 seconds. 

Other than that, last night’s episode was very satisfying, with two fights (I’m liking this trend) and some highly ironic tooth-loss thrown in at the end. To begin at the beginning…

The Ultimate Fighter 9 – Episode 5 Highlights – Watch more Funny Videos
(The ends of the Defranco/Winner and Johnson/Amasinger fights.)

Last Night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter treated us to two quarterfinal matches — as well as a total breakdown within Team U.S. and the mysterious disappearance of Michael Bisping. "Wiggity Wack" (the episode’s actual title, according to my DVR) began by showing us just how fractured the Americans were becoming. Jason Dent implores his team to be mature after their first loss in episode 4, and Cameron Dollar basically tells him to stuff it, then tells the team about the 70-80 girls he’s humped, including his friend’s wife. (Hope your friend knew about that before the show, player.) Meanwhile, Team U.S.’s Jason Pierce and Team U.K.’s David Faulkner bond in the hot tub over their shared nerdiness, with Pierce predicting they’ll be friends after the show.

("I also look cooler in me leather jacket." Photo courtesy of the-fight-site.com)

Okay, maybe he hasn’t said he’s better in bed. But Michael Bisping has been laying into his Ultimate Fighter rival coach Dan Henderson lately, for a number of other reasons. First there was this interesting bit in his new TUF blog for UFC.com:

TUF 9.4: Nick Osipczak KOs Mark Miller – Watch more Funny Videos
(Nick Osipczak puts Team U.K. on the board with his head-kick knockout of Mark Miller. Cheerio, bitches.)

In the battle of personal property defacement, Team U.S. is routing the Brits by a score of 2-0 — if only they could be that dominant in the Octagon. Last night’s episode of TUF 9 featured the show’s first quarterfinal match, with well-rounded beanpole Nick Osipczak drawing first blood for Team U.K., thanks to a highlight-reel knockout of the much scarier-looking Mark Miller.

The episode opened with the coaches introducing us to their assistants. Michael Bisping has flown in his own trainers at Wolfslair — Mario "Sucata" Neto (wrestling/submissions) and Dave Jackson (striking) — who will now be acting as his helpers. Dan Henderson is rolling a little deeper with Heath Sims (wrestling), Cyrille Diabate (Muay Thai), Ricardo Feliciano (jiu-jitsu), and Gustavo Pugliese (boxing).

Team U.S. is at a disadvantage because they just had to go through their elimination fights; Team U.K.’s took place two weeks prior. Hendo chooses the relatively unscathed welterweight Mark Miller to represent the Americans first against Nick Osipczak, who didn’t look like much in his elimination match against Tommy Maguire. "One to us," Bisping says of the pick.

(BOOM, THAT JUST HAPPENED. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

Well, I was waiting for this one. On Michael Bisping‘s belated Week 3 TUF blog for UFC.com, the Team U.K. coach took some time out to savage UFC 97′s main event, and state for the record that he would have given the fans the show they deserve:

If Bisping can get past Dan Henderson at UFC 100, he’ll likely get the chance to back up his words. And it’s hard to disagree with him. Cote and Leites played it timid against Silva, and didn’t inspire him to greatness. Maybe all the champ needs is a confident challenger. Or maybe Anderson’s just gone batshit loony. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, Matt Hughes tried his own method of baiting Anderson for a future fight…

The Ultimate Fighter 9: Episode 3 Stoppages – Watch more Funny Videos
(Last night’s stoppages. See you at the TUF 9 finale, Rob.)

To quote Sgt. Hartman, it looks to me like the best part of Rob Browning ran down the crack of his momma’s ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress. My God what a useless dipshit. He’s like the dumbest redneck in the world doing a bad impression of Junie Browning. Anyway, he’s gone now, after folding like a bitch at the first sign of pressure during last night’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., meaning UFC washout Jason Dent is now a full-fledged member of Team USA. The 8th American spot went to welterweight alternate Frank Lester who benefitted from Kiel Reid’s unfortunate self-knockout.  But before all that…

Both teams arrive at the TUF house, and everyone’s fairly cool with each other at first. But when nobody steps up to be Rob Browning’s drinking buddy — his Shane Nelson, if you will — he gets all butthurt and starts launching eggs at his housemates from a balcony. Then he pisses in a shower, and promptly gets in the face of the larger Jason Pierce (a recurring theme with these Browning brothers). Rob smashes an egg on Jason’s chest, and Jason shows tremendous restraint in not ripping him about five new assholes.

(Photo courtesy of NewMexicoBoxing.com.)

The UFC has officially announced five bouts for the supporting card of their historic UFC 100 event, which goes down July 11th at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas; tickets go on sale to the general public tomorrow at 1 p.m. ET/10 a.m. PT. Here’s what the lineup looks like so far, according to UFC 100′s fight card page on UFC.com:

Main Card
Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir (for unified heavyweight championship)
Georges St. Pierre vs. Thiago Alves (for welterweight championship)
Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisping (MW)
Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Alan Belcher (MW)

"May not be broadcast"
Jon Jones vs. Jake O’Brien (LHW)
Dong Hyun Kim vs. Jonathan Goulet (WW)
CB Dollaway vs. Tom Lawlor (MW)
Matt Grice vs. Shannon Gugerty (LW)

For some reason, the light-heavyweight match between Mark Coleman and Stephan Bonnar isn’t listed on UFC.com, even though Amir Sadollah confirmed the fight during an "Inside the Octagon" segment on Wednesday’s installment of The Ultimate Fighter. In addition, welterweights Jon Fitch and Paulo Thiago have reportedly agreed to meet at UFC 100, while a new report from MMA Weekly claims that a lightweight bout between Mac Danzig and Jim Miller will also be added to the card.

The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., episode 1 highlights – Watch more free videos
(Last night’s stoppages, not including David Faulkner’s heel-hook on James Bateman, because my DVR cut off before the last fight. Fuck a Time Warner Cable.)

The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K. kicked off last night with the elimination matches at Wolfslair Academy, where 16 British TUF hopefuls were whittled down to four lightweights and four welterweights. Here’s how the fights panned out…

Andre Winner (LW) def. Gary Kelly via KO, round 1

Jeff Lawson (LW) def. James Bryan via armbar, round 1

James Wilks (WW) def. Che Mills via heel-hook, round 1

Martin Stapleton (LW) def. Dan James via rear-naked choke, round 1

Ross Pearson (LW) def. A.J. Wenn via TKO, round 2

Nick Osipczak (WW) def. Tommy Maguire via TKO, round 1

Dean Amasinger (WW) def. Alex Reid via decision, round 3

David Faulkner (WW) def. James Bateman via heel-hook, round 1

Notes…

(Props: MMA Weekly)

Good news for Ultimate Fighter fans who have become increasingly turned off by the idiotic antics in the TUF house — and bad news for those who hoped that maybe this could be the season when the reality show savages literally burn the house to the ground. From MMA Weekly:

So nobody gets threatened with eviction for fighting or glass-throwing. (Pussies!) But don’t worry, because the show will still bring drama in other ways:

Be honest, Dana: Does Bisping stick Henderson’s toothbrush up his own ass and take a picture of it, or is it the other way around?

It’s weird, because there was a time when Americans and Brits were allies; now we fucking hate each other, apparently. Oh well. Get ready to root against those snaggle-toothed chavs tonight starting at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

(Props: Spike.com. Click the image to see the video.) 

Spike TV has released a new preview clip for The Ultimate Fighter: United States vs. United Kingdom (premiering April 1st at 10 p.m. ET/PT), in which UFC prez Dana White arrives at Wolfslair to check out the British hopefuls during the elimination round. We learn that before their fight at UFC 93, Rich Franklin and Dan Henderson both had to fly to England to assess the talent, just in case, and we get a taste of the first indecipherable British accent when Gary Kelly pronounces "my record" as "me lachoad." Unsurprisingly, Gary is the brother of Paul Kelly, who has already become infamous for his post-fight interviews. Where the hell are these two from, anyway? Mushmouth-upon-Tyne?

Tito Ortiz was in Vicksburg, Mississippi talking with 8CountNews.com in this video interview, and it sounds like he’s changed his mind about fighting for Affliction, which is probably a good idea, considering their future plans.  Now Ortiz says he’s “going to pass” on an Affliction contract in the hopes that he can sign with Strikeforce to fight on CBS or Showtime, assuming they’re amenable to his famously ridiculous contract demands.

Honestly, is anyone out there really dying to see Ortiz back in action?  He has some name value and can still hype a fight with the best of them, but to hear him talk sometimes you’d think the whole MMA world was eagerly awaiting his return, as if he’s still a top-ten fighter and not someone who just got bounced out of the UFC.  Though to hear him talk you’d also think he did a good job commentating at the last Affliction show, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  

After the jump, a little taste of what you can expect from the coaches in the next “Ultimate Fighter” season.  

(Props: MMA Fanhouse.)

I admit it, after watching the above promo video for season nine of Spike TV’s “The Ultimate Fighter,” I’m excited.  Maybe the hokey “It’s U.S. Against Them” tagline is working on me, or maybe (probably) I’m just a sucker for The Sex Pistols.  

Regardless, the part of me that wants to believe fighters when they blame positive steroid tests on totally legit nutritional supplements also wants to believe that TUF can be fun again.  And who knows, maybe exploiting nationalistic loyalties and hilarious cultural differences (just wait until the first time a Brit fighter talks about smoking fags) is the perfect solution for the stale formatting and predictable antic-heavy presentation.  With that in mind, here are the five things I’d like to see from “The Ultimate Fighter” this time around:

1. Don’t Make Me Feel Bad About Myself For Watching This

Look, Spike TV producers.  I’m a male between the ages of 18-34, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch grown men drink one another’s urine.  In fact, when I find myself watching a show that is ostensibly about fighting, and yet the bulk of the episode is dedicated to the ingestion of bodily fluids, I start to question some of the decisions I’ve made that have brought me to this point.  It’s the same with property destruction.  We’ve seen it.  There isn’t any new ground to break (pun intended).  Please, let’s grow up a little and move on.

(Boooooooo! U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Yahoo! Sports has revealed the 32 castmembers for the upcoming season of The Ultimate Fighter, which will pit a group of American fighters (coached by Dan Henderson) against a group of fighters from the U.K. (coached by Michael Bisping). Featuring welterweights and lightweights, "TUF 9" will premiere on April 1st, directly following UFC Fight Night: Condit vs. Kampmann. Here’s what Yahoo! dug up about the upcoming crop of UFC hopefuls.

After the jump: the rest of the American fighters, and Team Bisping.

 
("If you’d like to donate to the Michael Bisping Memorial Fund…")

According to UFC prez Dana White (via Fighters Only magazine), Michael Bisping would be ready for a title shot if he manages to defeat Dan Henderson following their coaching stints on The Ultimate Fighter: Team U.S. vs. Team U.K., which is scheduled to premiere on April 1st after UFC Fight Night 18. The only thing that would prevent an immediate title shot for Bisping in this scenario is if Anderson Silva is tied up in the light-heavyweight division. As White explains:

Ever the good employee, Bisping is already preparing mentally for the possibility. As he tells FO:

Oh man. Fighters talking about the proper way to beat Anderson Silva (and Fedor Emelianenko) never stops being hilarious to me. It should be noted that Dan Henderson actually had some early success against Silva with an aggressive rough-’em-up style during their fight at UFC 82 last March, but that only made the Spider angrier, and Hendo was obliterated in the second round. And as we saw in his last fight against Patrick Cote, Anderson Silva now has the power to blow-out knees using only his mind. So basically, Bisping had better start training with Freddie Roach, or he has no chance in this one.

Fight-day installments of the Danavlog tend to be a lot more interesting than other episodes from the previous week, and the 1/17 video was no exception. It opens with DW chatting with Michael Bisping before they do a demonstration of UFC Undisputed in Dublin. Bisping reminisces about the days when he was unbeatable at Street Fighter II. He’s also pleased with the U.K. team that he’ll be coaching on TUF, and very psyched to be a part of it. During the video game demo, Dana White plays as Quinton Jackson, while the Count plays as himself. The simulated fight goes pretty much how it would if Bisping were to actually fight Rampage.

At the fights, Alistair Overeem stops by to to say hello to the UFC prez; giddy as a schoolgirl, Dana starts squeezing his muscles. Overeem points out that he’s not as big as Brock Lesnar. Dana asks him if he’s ready to fight in the UFC, and Overeem says he is if management can work it out. K-1 super-heavyweight champ Semmy Schilt is also in attendance, and Dana makes it clear that he’d be welcome in the Octagon too. Later, Joe Rogan brutally mocks a Dana White superfan directly behind her back, Mauricio Rua is offered the Chuck Liddell fight, and Dana calls Dublin "pound-for-pound the best fuckin’ place we’ve ever been."

After the jump: The trailer for Ultimate Champion, another underground cage-fighting flick starring master thespian Stephan Bonnar. One day, the Wayans Brothers are going to make a parody of these movies and call it Never Submit, Surrender, or Back Down While Fighting Your Redbelt in the Confessions of a Pit Fighter. Hey, if Paul Blart can be the #1 movie in America…

(High on the list of the last places you want to see Demian Maia: mounted on top of you.  Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

The UFC seems committed to offering the remaining “Ultimate Fighter” coaching spot to the winner of the Rich Franklin-Dan Henderson bout at UFC 93 this weekend, despite the fact that neither of them seem excited about getting the job, least of all Franklin.  That makes for not only an anti-climactic main event (just picture Franklin, if he wins, standing in the Octagon afterwards and making a face like your dad used to when you’d give him a tie for Christmas every year), but it’s also likely to carry over into making the inevitable season-ending coach fight into something of a bore.

The hell of it is, the solution to this problem is right in front of the UFC, and it’s Demian Maia.  He wants a shot at Michael Bisping, and probably wouldn’t mind the low pay and Vegas exile that comes with the coaching job.  What’s more, Bisping can’t seem to stop talking about Maia despite the fact that a fight with him isn’t on the horizon at the moment.  

Just check his comments to the UK’s Telegraph in a story published yesterday:

Rising star Damian Maia [sic], a submission expert with great striking skills, unbeaten in 10 fights, has been making loud noises within Bisping’s earshot.

“I don’t like the sound of those noises, and I will pacify him,” said Bisping. “Damian is a really nice guy, a gentleman and a sportsman. He wants to go as far as he can in this sport.  …A lot of people seem to want to call me out. I don’t want to sound arrogant but they get beaten or knocked out when they come up against me. Damian is a submission expert, but he won’t get me down, and he’ll get knocked out. He’ll just have to get to the back of the queue for now.”

(Honestly, what’s not to love?)

During today’s media conference call for UFC 93 the talk inevitably turned to the perceived stakes of the Dan Henderson-Rich Franklin bout on January 17 and whether the winner would really end up as a coach opposite Michael Bisping on season nine of The Ultimate Fighter, as has been discussed.  The answer, it seems, is that nobody knows for sure.  But Rich Franklin sure didn’t sound excited about the idea:

"I have not personally spoken to Dana, the UFC or any of the production people about the show," Franklin said. "Six weeks in Vegas, I’ve gotten to the point where I could care less for staying in Vegas for that period of time. It’s time away from my family and time away from doing the things I can do to make money. The show doesn’t pay very well. … But anything the UFC asks me to do, I’m always on board for."

Franklin also pointed out the absurdity of taking two former middleweights, like he and Henderson, and having them fight at light heavyweight to see who will take on Bisping at middleweight.  But Franklin’s main gripe seems to be that coaching the show isn’t such a good deal for a fighter – and he would know, seeing as he’s done it before. 

But is coaching the show really that bad?  So it doesn’t pay much (how much is not much, anyway?  Ten grand for six weeks?  Less?  More?), and it keeps Franklin from other lucrative opportunities, such as making movies with former Saved By The Bell stars, but it is publicity and the chance to build back up to a big main event bout.  That’s all good stuff, right? 

Props to CombatLifestyle, Sherdog, UFC.com, Fight! Magazine, TMZ, and the Las Vegas Sun.

#12: Wanderlei Silva celebrates his destruction of Keith Jardine at UFC 84.

#11: Urijah Faber bags himself a couple of sasquatches.

#10: Rashad Evans rushes in to finish an already knocked-dead Chuck Liddell at UFC 88.

#9 (tie): Paul Taylor knocks Chris Lytle’s jaw loose; Taylor gets his foot lodged in Lytle’s mouth.

After the jump: A naked Gina Carano, a punch-drunk Kimbo Slice, and a rather disappointed Joe Stevenson.

(Photo courtesy of Zoo Magazine.)

Man, Daniel Radcliffe is going to be pissed.  According to the readers of Britain’s Zoo Magazine, the UFC’s Michael Bisping is the U.K.’s "coolest" man of the year.  Upon hearing the good news, Bisping described himself as “shocked.”  

You know who else is shocked?  Bear Gryllis.  That bad-ass survivalist dude from the Discovery Channel.  He finished seventh in the voting.  Seventh!!!!  And he drank elephant poop!  Hell, Noel Gallagher from Oasis was third.  Sup with that, Brtiain?  You guys feeling okay?

When it came to analyzing the meaning of these results, Zoo’s editor chalked it up to the “growing influence that UFC is having on young men in Britain,” as well as a changing economic and cultural climate. 

Other notables on the list:

4. Jason Statham (that guy)
5. Daniel Craig (James Bond)
12. Christian Bale (effing Batman, yo)
24. Ricky Gervais (this dude)
33. Simon Cowell (just stop)
36. Morissey (I thought you said “coolest?”)
60. Paul McCartney (he’s still British?)
86. Sacha Baron Cohen (if this isn’t cool, what is?)

In other Bisping news, the Wolfslair fighter tells MMA Bay that he’s not concerned about a potential bout with submissions grand wizard Demian Maia, because:

(How ’bout a nice Hawaiian Punch? Image courtesy of ko.susumug.com.)

"After holding the welterweight title once, I was like, I need it again, I need that welterweight title one more time, and look, I get to beat one of the best fighters of all time to do it. The opportunity is just trememdous…I’m going to crush him, don’t worry guys." — The ever-confident BJ Penn predicts the outcome of his UFC 94 superfight against Georges St. Pierre during a couple of recent Hawaiian TV appearances.

"Sean Sherk, that’s a fight I would love to take. That fight is one of the ones I really want to show everyone how far I’ve come. My wrestling’s a lot better than that and I’m going to continue to get better at it…[A rematch] would be ten times better and I believe with a different result." — Kenny Florian gives MMA Weekly the old "I’m not the same fighter I was back then" line. Ken-Flo is content to wait for BJ Penn as he chases his welterweight championship dream, but if Penn’s hiatus goes on for too long, Florian would be open to avenging a past defeat.

"A [Rich] Franklin vs. [Michael] Bisping fight would be amazing. I’d love to fight him. But I’d love to fight Henderson too. They’re household names and legends of the sport and it would be an honour and a privilege to fight one of them. I think I stack up well against them…I think I can beat both of them. It wouldn’t be easy, but my confidence is growing with every fight." — Michael Bisping talks to The Sun about who he’s eyeing for his next match. For the record, Bisping thinks Franklin will have the edge on Henderson during their fight in January. 

After the jump: The gloves come off and the talk gets trashy.

(“Braaaiiins!” Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

Michael Bisping, quoted in Setanta Sports:

“I have to admit I was disappointed when I heard. You know, when all’s said and done, I like Chris Leben. He conducted himself well before and after the fight and, as I say, I like the guy. I’m a little disappointed that he’s done what he’s done, bringing the sport into disrepute, but it’s not really my place to have an opinion on it.

The UFC, as they always do, have set the example with the punishment — and they’re right to do that. Should he banned for life? I don’t think so, people make mistakes, people learn from mistakes. Plenty of fighters have recovered after testing positive, the standard is set at nine months and it would be unfair to go any harsher on Chris…

I don’t know if it makes my win any better, you can make a case for it because — without wanting to start slinging mud — he did cheat and I didn’t. I don’t know why he did it or if he knew he was doing it, but I know my performance was purely down to blood, sweat and tears — and that’s all the satisfaction I need.”

If nothing else, this has to be good for Bisping’s confidence; even a juiced Chris Leben could barely put a mark on the Count’s face. If his next opponent does turn out to be Dan Henderson, he’ll need that confidence and then some. Meanwhile, Leben will have to find an even higher power to trust in if he plans on rescuing his career after his nine-month time-out comes to an end.

(Epic fail, this time of the drug test variety.)

Remember the story heading into UFC 89 about how Chris Leben had matured and kicked the booze and turned his life around? Forget that, because his life has just turned back around with the word today that Leben tested positive for steroids after his bout with Michael Bisping in England last month.

Leben popped positive for Stanozolol and has been suspended for nine months by the UFC and fined one-third of his fight purse. To make things worse, there’s not even any athletic commission-mandated testing in England, so it was the UFC’s own internal testing system that caught him. At least Leben isn’t playing innocent. He apparently admitted using the drug, but told Dana White he thought it would be out of his system in time for the test. So, you know, that makes it okay, right?

Leben’s official mea culpa:

“I’ve really done everything I can to turn my life around,” said Leben.

“And this is a huge setback for me. But it’s something I will have to deal with. During my time off from fighting, I want to speak to kids about the dangers of using performance enhancing agents and let them know it just doesn’t get you ahead in life. Of course, this is a hard hit for me monetarily, but more so this is embarrassing for me and for all my fans.”

Jesus, he’s already doing the ‘I want to talk to kids’ thing? The fight was just a few weeks ago. What idiot publicist fed him that painfully transparent line? Just for perspective on this, let’s recap Leben’s recent career decisions:

On Friday, we showed you Suzanne VanOrman’s attempt to discredit MMA veteran/Oregon State Representative candidate Matt Lindland as a barbaric and well-paid cage-fighter. Well, here’s one of Matt’s attack ads. LOFL @ that garbage-ass green screen and Lindland’s Meat Loaf-esque campaign platform. Good luck, buddy.

(Props: Yahoo! MMA Experts)
Michael Bisping defends his measured performance at UFC 89 in this video interview from The Telegraph.

After the jump: Keith Jardine answers questions at the post-UFC 89 press conference in his usual humble, quiet, completely unmarketable way, and the painfully attractive Rachelle Leah stops by Chelsea Lately to discuss her decision to do Playboy, while Chelsea drops in quirky vagina-slang at every opportunity and shows off her pet midget.