("I finish sandwiches!")

As strange as it sounds, there was a time when Tank Abbott could demand $126,000 to fight for less than a minute. Unfortunately, his market value has slightly decreased since then. MMA Junkie reports that the veteran brawler received $20,000 for his 29-second completely-illegal knockout of Mike Bourke at last Friday’s Wargods: Valentine’s Eve Massacre — putting him second on the event’s salary list after Ken Shamrock’s $25,000. Abbott’s opponent Mike Bourke earned $5,000, while Shamrock’s opponent Ross Clifton collected $4,000, which he plans on donating to a good cause. If anybody cares, the rest of the numbers are after the jump. The show drew 2,805 attendees for a $90,745 live gate, $82,150 of which was paid out to the fighters. In other words, the promoters earned less than half of what Tank Abbott did. Slim profit margins of the MMA biz, people… 

(Props: Sherdog)

We’ve already shown you the epic Ken Shamrock/Shamu the Whale match from last Friday’s Wargods event, and at long last, here’s the night’s other headlining bout, Tank Abbott vs. Mike Bourke. The comedy starts even before the bell rings. Even though Bourke was 8-11-1 coming into the fight, the ring announcer, perhaps thinking that what he was seeing on his notecards was a typo, declared The Rhino’s record to be 18-11-1. And you gotta love the lady-commentator’s mock-enthusiasm at the 4:00 mark: "I wanna see it go the distance! I wanna see it go the distance! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" The fight itself ends after just 29 seconds, following two point-blank rabbit punches from Tank. Awesome. Speaking of which, here’s how Ken Shamrock‘s weaselly little brother Frank described the Wargods show on his Yardbarker.com blog:

What, and rob us of the Ken/Tank superfight we’ve been waiting for since 1995?

After the jump: FranklyWashedUp on the UG unearthed this enlightening 2006 video of Chael Sonnen’s training and his life outside the cage, which includes real estate, a proud mother, and a hot girlfriend. Money line: "Even if I thought I could get a submission, I’m not laying underneath a grown man with my legs spread on worldwide TV. Some guys subscribe to that theory, but I’m a Republican, and we don’t do that." Hear that you jiu-jitsu faggots?!