(“Progidy.” “The 30-something Randy Couture of the 40-something crowd.” “I don’t speak-a the Portuguesa.” “Leg kick to the midsection.” All the classics are here. / Props: zombie00713 via MiddleEasy)

Thiago Tavares ‘Surprised’ By Recent Failed Drug Test Following UFC On FX 7 (Fightline)

‘Bigfoot’ Silva’s Manager: Cain Velasquez Rematch Possible, but Slower Path to Title Preferred (MMAFighting)

Johny Hendricks Calls Georges St. Pierre an ‘Idiot’ for Thinking Nick Diaz Deserves a Title Shot Over Him (MMA Mania)

Anthony “Showtime” Pettis and the Evolution of Mixed Martial Arts (BleacherReport)

If Condit Gets Hurt, Tyron Woodley Wants to Fight Rory MacDonald at UFC 158 (MMAConvert)

Jack Slack’s Greatest Strikers: A Brief Look At Giorgio Petrosyan (BloodyElbow)

Pictures: Joe Lauzon Competes In Food Decathlon (FightDay)

Steven Seagal and Joe Arpaio Are Training a ‘Posse’ of School Shooting First Responders (FilmDrunk)

The 40 Softest Athletes in Sports History (Complex)

2013 Valentine’s Day Gift Guide (MensHealth)

7 Must-See Photos That Haven’t Been Photoshopped (DoubleViking)

Everyone Is Doing the Harlem Shake Right Now (Break)

50 Horrible Photos Taken By Horribly Professional Photographers (WorldWideInterweb)

(“Hey Joe, now that I’ve put the kibosh on those pesky Adderall rumors…wanna do some blow?”)

Oh boy, Taters, do we have some good news for you. Not only will next Saturday’s UFC on FOX 6 card feature such intriguing matchups as John Dodson vs. flyweight champ Demetrious Johnson, Rampage Jackson vs. Glover Teixeira, and Donald Cerrone vs. Anthony Pettis, but the event will also spotlight the return of longtime UFC commentator Mike Goldberg, who was recently pulled from the UFC 155 broadcast to deal with several health issues that had been affecting him for some time. MMAWeekly reports:

After a brief absence due to illness, Mike Goldberg will be back in his regular broadcast duties alongside Joe Rogan at UFC on Fox 6.

UFC officials confirmed Goldberg’s return to MMAWeekly.com on Tuesday.

In short, come next Saturday, the little eagle will soar again. Precisions, they will be precise. Books, they will be taken out of other people’s chapters. Japanese and Portuguese will combine into one beautiful, indistinguishable language. So prepare yourselves, Potato Nation, for a great deluge of cliched phrases and verbal diarrhea is coming.

(As Goldie himself might say, the precision of those rumors was not very precise.)

When long-time UFC play-by-play announcer Mike Goldberg missed UFC 155 for undisclosed reasons, it didn’t take long for the rumor mill to churn out reports of him being addicted to Adderall and taking a leave of absence to attend drug rehab.* MMA Fighting contacted Goldberg directly on Friday, asking for comment on his health, and the commentator denied the pill addiction rumor and said he hopes to return to work by the next UFC on Fox event later this month.

“Those rumors out there are not true,” Goldberg said via text to MMA Fighting. ”I’m dealing with a complicated health issue but feeling better and hoping to be back to 100 percent by Jan. 26.”

Goldberg did not provide more details about his health issues but reporter Ariel Helwani also wrote that “according to multiple sources close to Goldberg, who all asked to remain anonymous, the broadcaster suffered from a severe upper respiratory infection in October…

With 2012 mercifully coming to an end, you had to imagine that at least one more fighter would be taken off of the year’s final card due to the great injury curse. Sure enough, at the last possible second a key member of UFC 155 has been removed from the card, causing the organization to scramble to find an adequate replacement. Okay, he’s not a fighter – and he’s not even a casualty of the injury curse – but damn it, this year has been brutal for last-second withdrawals.

Veteran announcer Mike Goldberg will not be calling the fights tonight at UFC 155. Originally, his absence from tonight’s event was attributed to an illness, but it turns out that this isn’t quite the case. Via MMAJunkie:

UFC President Dana White on Friday confirmed the change to MMAjunkie.com (www.mmajunkie.com) but could not offer specifics into the situation or when Goldberg is expected to return to his post.

“He’s taking time off and is not working this weekend,” White said. “I don’t know when he will be back.

Props: MMA Photoshops

In our efforts to give out high fives and bro grabs over how much fun Saturday night’s fights were, we missed the opportunity to give constructive criticism to some of the evening’s lowest moments. We’ll more than likely still miss out on the constructive criticism here, but sometimes there’s just no way to be helpful about something’s ugliness (no matter how hard you try to be). But before we get caught up in the negativity…

The Good:

Vera and Varner Impressive in Defeat. Before Saturday night, both men were expected to be little more than highlight reel fodder for their opponents. After they came up just short in two of the most competitive, entertaining bouts to be broadcast on Fox, it’d be too easy to make comparisons to Rocky. So instead of making one, I’ll just imply it – problem solved. A loss is never easy for either fighter to swallow, but it could have been much uglier.

Mike Swick’s Feel-Good Comeback Fight. Is it even possible not to feel good for Mike Swick? After losing his last two fights and spending over two years away from the sport, things were looking pretty grim for “Quick.” Watching DaMarques Johnson control Swick for the first round certainly didn’t brighten the mood, either. But if you know somebody who wasn’t cheering while Swick flawlessly finished Johnson, that person has no pulse. In fact, that “person” is probably a zombie. Act accordingly.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/notlookoutawhale)

If you aren’t familiar with the work of lookoutawhale and Chaplin’s House, do yourself a favor and spend some time getting to know them before you enjoy their latest collaborative masterpiece, “The UFC Bunch,” featuring Dana White, Frank and Lorenzo Fertitta, Bruce Buffer, Joe Rogan, Chuck Liddell and Joe Silva.

Check out more from the dynamic duo after the jump.

(Photo courtesy of Ed Mulholland/ESPN)

In an effort to take some of the growing workload off of the backs of color analyst Joe Rogan and play-by-play man Mike Goldberg, the UFC announced today that it has added veteran sportscaster Jon Anik to its broadcast team.

Anik, who has anchored MMA Live since 2008 and hosted several ESPN pre-UFC shows, will be involved with the November 12 Fox broadcast in some capacity and will likely take the reins of commentating duties for the next season’s weekly live broadcast of The Ultimate Fighter on FX among other events.

“We’re very happy to have Jon as part of the team,” UFC president Dana White said after making the announcement at today’s UFC 137 press conference.

“It’s a dream come true. I believe the UFC’s a strong a brand as there is in professional sports, but what really drew me to this organization was the people behind it. I think as strong as this organization is, it’s the people behind it,” the 33-year-old Boston native said Thursday. “It’s a well-oiled machine, I just hope I don’t get in the way. I’m very excited to get started.

(The Interweb never lies)

We can be pretty critical sometimes, but it’s that snarky candour that prompts most of the Potato Nation to navigate over to our site several dozen times a day. As harsh as our observations may be at times, they are nothing compared to the frank and biting results returned from Google search’s autofill.

Check out our gallery of 14 UFC 137-related searches after the jump, and if you’re Cheick Kongo remember: it wasn’t us this time; it was the Internet. Tell JayT to call off the hit.

Props: Zombie Prophet

If you were lucky enough to be in Philly for the lead up to UFC 133, you were treated to a Q&A session with none other than Chael Sonnen. True to form, Chael Sonnen gave some brutally honest potentially scripted answers to the fans. And of course, the obligatory praise for Dana White, going as far as saying that Dana White would end the recession if he was president. Really. Not to imply that Chael would ever use plants for a Q&A session, but his response to “What happened in California? (9:52 mark)” seemed pre-packaged, even for an eagle among turkeys like Chael Sonnen.

Some brief highlights after the jump:

“…and those are the seven key differences between Durum Wheat and Hard White Wheat. Next question, please.”

The UFC continued their always entertaining series of Fighter Q&A sessions last night with Matt Hughes joining announcer Mike Goldberg on stage. As usual, Hughes shoots from the hip and shares his thoughts on everything from GSP’s standing in the sport to the recent testosterone replacement controversy, but one thing he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about is tonight’s fights. The reason? He really hasn’t seen many of the guys compete.

If you’re interested in catching the hour-long video, check it out here. If you learned nothing from your high school reliance on Cliffs Notes and want to continue eeking by on second-hand information, join us after the jump for a recap of the highlights.

(Off camera, Mike Goldberg is just another golden-voiced hobo.)

This week’s caption contest brought in 235 entries — or about 140, if you take out all the spam comments and painfully obvious references to Menace II Society. After careful consideration, we’ve chosen three winners, who will be scoring new t-shirts from Ranger Up. But first, some honorable mentions…

Horror Fighter: With his camouflage coat, Goldberg was confident that he could steal Matt’s beer unseen.

FightZen: “Matt ‘The Law’ Lindland, is, unquestionably, the most accomplished beer drinker in the middleweight division.”

DangadaDang: One thing that’s amazing about Guinness beer is that its hoppiness is so…hoppy.

RWilsonR: “Hey Matt, want to see what’s on a meteoric rise right now? I’ll give you a hint… it’s in my pants.”

Naked Rear Poke: MG: Now, try not to look too shocked because I know he’s a LOT shorter in real life, but he’s a huge fan of yours. Matt, meet Eminem!
Naked Rear Poke (again): MG: Hey Matt, do you think this necklace makes me look less like someone with the surname ‘Goldberg’?

And now, your winners…

(Above: The Waldo. Below: The Navy SEAL Bin Laden shirt, and the “We Will Not Fail” shirt. Click the links to learn more and see rear-views.)

On May 1st, 2011, terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden was finally brought to justice — American-style, with a bullet to the head. Here in New York, it was like we had won the World Cup or something. Years from now, you’ll probably want to have something to remind you of this triumphant, bizarre, overwhelming moment in our country’s history. That’s where Ranger Up comes in. We’ve featured their patriotically ass-kicking shirts on this site before; now they’re releasing three brand-new designs, perfect for wearing while you’re pissing on the graves of murderers.

R.U. is giving us one shirt of each new style to pass along to you fine people. You know the deal: Check out the photo after the jump of Mike Goldberg and Matt Lindland chillin’ in New Jersey, and submit a humorous caption in the comments section by tomorrow at midnight ET. We’ll announce the winners on Thursday. Can you defeat your fellow Potato Nation members in a battle of wits? Well, let’s see what you got. For more manly apparel, check out RangerUp.com.

(Props: YouTube.com/UFC)

Just a week after we learned that Stephan Bonnar is permanently replacing Frank Mir as color-commentator for the WEC, it’s been announced that the UFC’s Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg will be handling the talking-head duties for WEC 48. Headlined by the featherweight title fight between Jose Aldo and Urijah Faber, and the lightweight title fight between Ben Henderson and Donald Cerrone, WEC 48 will be the organization’s first attempt at charging a shitload of money for their product. You may have already noticed that the show’s video promos feature Dana White and Joe Rogan — not anybody directly related to the WEC — and for the most part, the UFC will be promoting this card. Sorry, Reed. As soon as it’s time to promote your next not-nearly-as-relevant event, it’s all you again

The presence of Joe and Mike won’t be the only similarity between WEC 48 and a UFC pay-per-view. Apparently, Spike TV will be broadcasting two fights from the preliminary card, directly before the PPV broadcast: Former featherweight title challenger Leonard Garcia will welcome "The Korean Zombie" Chan Sung Jung into the WEC, while UFC vet Alex Karalexis faces off against Anthony Pettis, who scored the Knockout of the Night at WEC 47.

As much as we were hoping that this Bas Rutten video thing was a 42-part series from Fight Magazine, they seem to have reached a zenith with this video.  It’s titled "El Guapo Likes to Dance," after a song that Bas says he wrote.  "Stairway to Heaven" it ain’t, but it’s catchy and the accompanying footage also proves that it’s true.  Our prediction?  You will mock this video at first and then go about your day thinking nothing of it.  Then, about four hours from now when you’re doing the last of your frantic Christmas shopping at the dollar store, you’ll catch yourself singing it and bopping your head along with the beat.  That’s when you’ll look up and see everyone watching you, horrified and yet transfixed.  

For more of Rutten’s world, go here.  After the jump, the Mike Goldberg highlight reel that tells you everything you need to know.

(Props: CagePotato reader "David D.")

There are some things in this mad, mad world that we’ll never fully understand. Like, for example, why the movie Legally Blonde had to be adpated into a musical. Or why UFC play-by-play man Mike Goldberg took a singing role in a low-rent production of that musical. Skip to the 1:59 mark of the above video for Goldie’s star turn as the lead character’s argyle-socked father. Seriously, WTF? Did Mike lose a fight-picking bet to Joe Rogan? Does he direct community theatre on the weekends, and did the actor who was actually supposed to play the role call in sick that night? Did Guffman ever show up? We need answers, and the Internet is giving us nothing.

#10: Frank Trigg‘s stunned disbelief
Affliction: Banned, 7/19/08

It’s not that Trigg’s reaction when Fedor started landing bombs on Tim was inappropriate; in fact, this was pretty much how we reacted during the fight. But when you’re being paid actual money to give insightful commentary about a sporting event, the viewers at home deserve a little better than "OH! OH-HO! OH-HO! OH-HO-NO-HO! OH!" Especially when you consider that this is a recurring trend with Trigg — when crazy shit goes down, the eloquence-train flies off the tracks, so to speak.

#9: Mike Goldberg tells us how precise Anderson Silva‘s precision is

The answer: Really. It’s really precise. Man, sometimes Mike is better off keeping his mouth shut until it’s time to ask Joe Rogan whether or not a fighter’s arm is in trouble. By the way, if you can watch that video for all ten minutes, we’ll send you a t-shirt.

#8: Kimbo Slice fails third-grade geography 
K-1′s World Grand Prix 2008 Final, 12/6/08

(Unfortunately, we couldn’t find a working video of this moment. Hopefully this Esther Lin/Lolcats mashup will be sufficient.)

Okay, give Kimbo a break. The man was extremely jet-lagged, and he clearly meant "the prefecture of Japan known as Kanagawa, which has Yokohama as its capital, where we are right now." It’s not like he asked co-commentator Michael Schiavello what the fuck up with all the Chinese people in the building. That would have been embarrassing. And speaking of which…

(He’s the one in the creepy Jesus t-shirt. Photo courtesy of the UFC 96: Friday Night Preparties set on CombatLifestyle.com.)

SackMikeGoldberg is a new-ish blog by BloodyElbow writer Mike Fagan that specializes in dissing Goldie’s clumsy UFC commentary and the middle-school-caliber writing level of MMA bloggers. (Damn, bro — shoot fish in a barrel much?) Of particular interest is the site’s official drinking game, which does seem like it would get you fucked up in short order:

To prevent a bad hangover the next morning, we recommend drinking a glass of water every time Mike throws it to "the veteran voice of the Octagon, Bruce Buffer." Though you should definitely do a shot of bottom-shelf tequila every time Goldberg does something that makes his partner visibly uncomfortable.

Now who wants to make the Joe Rogan drinking game?

CagePotato readers Jeb R. and Jamie sent in the above footage of Bob "Boooooooo!" Reilly‘s press conference from Friday, in which the New York Assemblyman compared MMA to prostitution, argued that the sport would actually be economically harmful to the state, and claimed that it would breed more violence in society. All incredibly valid points from a well-informed, not-at-all-senile government official. (Reilly also says that he could fill the Pepsi Arena for a dogfight, which, if that’s true, he might consider leaving the bureaucracy field for the more glamorous and lucrative world of fight promotion.) It’s one thing to read about this joker on our website; it’s quite another to hear these specious non-arguments come out of his mouth. Again, sign our petition if you haven’t yet for some reason, and if you can keep your emotions in check and your arguments high-minded, feel free to get in touch.

Below: Randy Couture‘s son Ryan increased his amateur MMA record to 2-0 on February 15th with this second-round submission victory over fellow lightweight Art Martinez at a Tuff-N-Uff event in Las Vegas; the fight starts at the 3:48 mark. Watch as Couture almost locks in a triangle in the first round, then an armbar, but Martinez manages to survive until the bell. (Damn those two-minute rounds.) It’s all good, though — Couture immediately takes advantage of some bad positioning by Martinez in the second frame, and it’s tap or nap.

(Props: XtremeCouture.wordpress.com)

After the jump: UFC announcer Mike Goldberg unwinds after Saturday’s show by working some Muay Thai combos with a training partner. In a crowded bar.

(You ready for this? Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)

We are live at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas for an extra-special, on-the-scene liveblog of UFC 91. What does that mean for your life? It means preliminary results, witty observations about crowd members, and constant updates as to what Arianny Celeste is up to throughout the night. At the same time, I don’t want to miss out on all your hilarious quips about the live broadcast, including but not limited to the banter between Joe Rogan and the century man, Mike Goldberg, so please fill me in with your comments.

Liveblog begins after the jump. Hit refresh often. If you don’t want the prelims spoiled for you…too bad. Just suck it up and deal.

(We love a woman who loves to party.)

- One man who won’t be sorry to see California State Athletic Commissioner Armando Garcia go is Sean Sherk, who still feels like he got a raw deal on his steroid case thanks to Garcia and his bungling of the appeals process. Sherk told MMA Rated that he “knew the guy had some issues” that would lead to his eventual removal, and now Sherk’s “glad to see that is finally taking place.” The sad irony is that it most likely wasn’t Garcia’s incompetence that got him in trouble so much as his ill-fated inter-office romance.

- Guess which over-stimulated, hyperbolic UFC announcer will be celebrating his 100th broadcast at UFC 91 on Saturday night? Did you guess Mike Goldberg? Damn, you’re good. UFC.com has an interesting article that looks at how Goldie went from some dude in front of a microphone who knew nothing about MMA to some dude in front of a microphone who is at least better than Mauro Ranallo. The best part of the article is hearing it all straight from Goldberg, who apparently loves mixing metaphors even when he’s not working. On why he stuck with the UFC even after the WWE made him a lucrative offer:

I can equate it to maybe playing for the Cincinnati Bengals and being 3-13 and 4-12, and finally you think you’ve got a team that might make it to the postseason. Do you bail and go to the Patriots or 49ers at that point, or do you say ‘the ship is sailing and is about to find a really cool island – do I want to jump off that ship now or see where it’s gonna land?’

Wait, are we still talking about the UFC?

The esteemed EliteXC commentator freezes up while looking at dancing girls, stammers like Foghorn Leghorn, and will not give up his microphone.

If you missed part 1, click here. We’d also like to direct you to our new homepage poll, over on the right. Sure, Mike has sucked for a lot longer, but Bill has the potential to reach new depths of awfulness. Let us know how you feel.