By Aaron Powers (Jawbreaker_46)
(What the hell is ‘Rampage’ doing in this photo?)

I have been a correctional officer for five years now, and it would be an understatement to say that I’ve seen some crazy shit.

The institution I work at, which shall remain nameless, specializes in mental health. Think half psych-ward, half prison. There are inmates and patients who eat their shit, throw their shit, and smear their shit. Once an inmate shoved a pencil in his pee hole and about half way down the shaft, poked it out through the top and ripped it out, slitting his unit up the middle so it looked like a micro-waved hot dog.  There is a patient who, every month or so will bash his head on the wall to get Satan to stop talking to him. His forehead looks like that old In Living Color skit where the family had asses on their heads… and they couldn’t figure out where the whistling was coming from on the roller coaster…. You don’t remember that one? Trust me it happened. So yeah like I said, crazy shit.

(Exhibit A for the defense: Whitehead can’t take a punch.)

In a surprising twist in the Mike Whitehead sexual assault case, the former The Ultimate Fighter 2 contestant was sentenced to between one and four years in Nevada State Prison today in Las Vegas. This according to the Associated Press.

Whitehead, who now lives in Tucson, Arizona and was scheduled to fight on Resurrection Fighting Alliance’s March 30 card in Nebraska, burst into tears after the sentence was read in Clark County court. He was immediately handcuffed and taken into custody. A report by the Associated Press states that “Iron” Mike (ironic, huh?) was charged with “attempted sexual assault,” which seems a bit off, considering he was full on having intercourse with a passed out chick while fondling her sleeping friend at his home when the victim woke up and told him to stop back in April 2010. In spite of her protest, Whitehead continued having sex with the 32-year-old acquaintance for several moments before climbing off of her and sitting naked on a chair in the corner while he stared at her and her 28-year-old girlfriend for a couple of hours.

It seemed like he would walk away with probation when it was announced late last year that he had struck a plea bargain with prosecutors to plead “no contest” to all charges against him to avoid the case going to trial, but it looks like the judge agreed with pretty much everyone that Whitehead should do the time for his vile crime.

Most ‘crimes’ in MMA take the form of inept judging and flagrant rule breaking, but this past year many professional fighters were caught up in activities that landed them inside of a very different sort of cage. Get ready for a trip down memory lane in our most depressing “booking roundup” of the year. Here’s your run down of 2011’s biggest arrests, convictions, acquittals, and sentencings.

(Whitehead posing with his attorney outside the courtroom after today’s hearing.)

Mike Whitehead made an Alford plea of “no-contest” to felony charges of attempted sexual assault in Nevada State court today and could face between two and 20 years in State prison at his January 19 sentencing. The minimum jail term for the “category b” offence is 2 years, which could mean Whitehead may get out after a year and change on good behavior. This may not seem like a positive for a man facing jail time, but considering he was originally arrested on charges of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, open and gross lewdness and also faced possible drug charges involving 40 marijuana plants found growing in his home, “Iron Mike” is likely counting his blessings that State prosecutors accepted his lawyer’s plea deal for the lesser charge.

If he wasn’t fond of living in a posh mansion with 17 other dudes, something tells me he’s not going to like his future abode much either. (Pic: Las Vegas Sun)

MMA veteran Mike Whitehead tapped out before heading into the biggest fight of his life inside a Clark County, NV courtroom yesterday. As reported by the Las Vegas Sun, prior to the start of his preliminary hearing, Whitehead and his attorney reached a deal with prosecutors that will see him plead guilty to one felony count of attempted sexual assault.

Those who have followed the case will note that the former TUF competitor was initially charged with doing far more than attempting a sexual assault. Whitehead was arrested for sexually assaulting a female friend following a bar-b-que at the fighter’s home in April of last year. Whitehead invited the victim and her friend to stay the night after they’d had too much to drink; once the pair had passed out in his bed, he allegedly removed the clothes of one of the women and began having sex with her while fondling the other female. The victim awoke and ordered him to stop, but he continued for several more minutes before sitting quietly in a chair next to the bed.

(But they both look like such gentlemen.)

This isn’t a good week to be a former UFC fighter charged with rape.

By Friday the trials of Joe Son and Mike Whitehead will both be underway.

(“Did I mention I bought Jimmy Dean sausages and I let her use my Star Wars pillow?”)

In spite of earlier reports that Mike Whitehead had reached a plea bargain deal with prosecutors in his felony sexual assault case, it looks like the former UFC fighter will now go to trial in an attempt to refute and disprove the allegations against him.

According to court records, Whitehead’s preliminary hearing will commence on August 19 at 9:00 am in Clark County district court in Las Vegas, NV. The case will be heard by Justice Janiece Marshall.

The preliminary hearing was originally set for last September, but because of delays and an apparent plea deal that either fell through or Whitehead decided not to take, there was a nearly one-year delay in bringing the case to trial.

(“This guy knows how to eat.”)

Frank Mir thinks Alistair Overeem will suffer a similar fate as Mirko Cro Cop if and when he finally fights for the UFC.

Either Mir doesn’t know anything about Overeem or he’s trying to needle his way into a fight with the heavyweight Strikeforce, DREAM and K-1 champion  when he transitions to the Octagon. Whatever his intentions are, it’s likely the only thing Mir will succeed in doing is pissing off “The Reem.”

Here’s what he had to say in a recent interview he did with MMA30′s Dave Farra:

“With all the guys with the wrestling ability I dont think Overeem will do as well as a lot of the fans would like him to do. Obviously the guy’s from from K-1 and I can’t say enough about his stand-up. He’s a great fighter and he has a pretty wicked guillotine — at least he did at light heavyweight he [did],” mir explained. “I haven’t really seen him establish it since he put the weight on. He has some submissions off his back and he moves around, but he’s been fighting in boxing rings and stuff, but going to fight in the cage, which he’s he’s had fights in cages, but you get someone like a Velasquez or Carwin or Brock, they’re going to change levels and push you against a cage and rip you down. So I think Overeem is going to have to deal with the cage now. When youre a striker, it’s an issue.”

(Not actually a) Guest post by GalsGuidetoMMA.com

JEREMY JACKSON

Beth’s View

Doability – I’ve never gone for the “Would have probably been a Nazi if he grew up in 1930s Germany” look, but there’s something about Jeremy that gets my tangas in a twist. I know, I know, the barbed wire bicep tat should be a deal-breaker. Still, those piercing blue eyes. The look on his face that says, “I would throw away every good opportunity, and even my freedom, just for a chance to ravage your body.” Wow. Feel my goosebumps.
Perceived Skills – BB gun shooting, jealous rages
Pet Name – Aryan Da’Hendersons
Imagined Dream Date – I have this fantasy where I’m a lifeguard at a local pool in Nevada. Jeremy comes in with his pack of bros. We lock eyes. He does a few long, slow laps. The butterfly stroke — my favorite. We exchange numbers during adult swim. He doesn’t call. Instead, he just shows up at my bedroom window that night. He’s shirtless and out of breath. I let him in the front door, and he collapses into my arms. He’s vulnerable, like a child, in the body of a man. “It’s okay, honey,” I say. “You’re home now.”
Long Term Relationship Potential – High, but I know it would end badly. It always does with the passionate ones.
Panty Dropper Rating – 4 – Worth the Wax.

If 2010 was a cold beer, we’d be down to the backwash. December puts all of us MMA-pundit types in a reflective mood, and this year gave us a double-crapload of big stories, insane fights, rising stars, and utter embarrassments to wrap our heads around. And so, we’d like to pay tribute to 2010 in the best way we know how — sarcasm and insults, mostly. Without further ado, here are 15 things we felt were worthy of some end-of-year recognition, Potato-style…

The Giant Silva Freak Show Award, presented each year to the match that’s made strictly for gruesome entertainment value; fighters should ideally exhibit a tremendous difference in either size or experience level.
Winner: Randy Couture vs. James Toney at UFC 118, in which a tubby boxing champ trash-talked his way into a co-headling bout against an MMA legend, and got choked out before he was able to land a single punch. This marks the first time in eleven years that the Giant Silva Award hasn’t been granted to a fight held in Japan.
Also receiving votes this year: Herschel Walker vs. Greg Nagy

The Wanderlei Silva Unintentionally Homoerotic Smack Talk Award, known as "The Wandy" is presented each year to the fighter who, when trying to hype a fight, inadvertently makes reference to having gay sex with his (or her) opponent.
Winner: Josh Koscheck, for the utterly disturbing wild-eyed, tongue-waving description above of what he was planning to do to UFC welterweight champ Georges St-Pierre during this season of The Ultimate Fighter. 
Also receiving votes this year: Matt Horwich, for his cringeworthy rant about how he was going to Mike Tyson 10th Planet protagonist Renato Laranja.

The Natasha Wicks Memorial Best Female Newcomer Award, presented each year to the up-and-coming MMA ring girl — preferably blonde, as per the bylaws — who gets us to forget about Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer, if only for a moment.
Winner: Rhian Sugden, the stunning (and frequently-nude) star of the U.K.’s BAMMA promotion.
Also receiving votes this year: Kelli Hutcherson, Stephanie Ann Cook, Brittany Ward, Melissa Jo

("A new job, and a place to crash for the night? This is too good to be true!")

In late May, Kim Couture caught a domestic violence charge after an argument with her personal assistant turned violent; she’s due in court today to answer the charges. Well, it took four months, but MMANewsLeak finally got their sticky little hands on the police report, which sheds more light on the bizarre situation. As we already knew, Couture and her P.A. first got into an argument at the UFC Fan Expo in Las Vegas. Here’s what happened next…

The victim left Mandalay Bay in a separate vehicle and went to Ms. Couture’s home where the victim had been living for approximately 3 weeks. The victim intended to retrieve her belongings and move out of Ms. Couture’s home before Ms. Couture returned home in order to avoid another confrontation.

As the victim was packing her belongings and preparing to move out, Ms. Couture arrived at the house she shared with the victim. Ms. Couture then went to the victims’ room and once inside the victims’ room, Ms. Couture allegedly blocked the door preventing the victim from leaving and then engaged in a heated argument with the victim, which subsequently led to Ms. Couture knocking/pushing the victim onto the bed. It is alleged that Ms. Couture then began choking and shaking the victim.

(No, I don’t want to come over for a barbecue and sleepover)

Mike Whitehead will be in for perhaps the toughest fight of his life as he begins court proceedings September 28 on charges of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault and open and gross lewdness.

A preliminary hearing for the case against the veteran WEC, UFC, IFL, Affliction and Strikeforce light heavyweight is scheduled for that date and a trial could be set that day if the judge is convinced that enough evidence exists to move forward with the case. According to the report from the Las Vegas Sun, the hearing was originally slated for an August date, but it was rescheduled for undisclosed reasons.

It’s alleged that "Iron Mike"sexually assaulted a woman last April in his home in the southwest Las Vegas Valley following a barbecue he had at the house.

While executing a search warrant on Whitehead’s home, police discovered a marijuana grow-op, but have surprisingly opted not to lay charges apart from the sexual assault and gross indecency ones.

(Pictured, from right to left: Mike Whitehead, Tim Sylvia, unidentified plant.)

According to multiple sources, former UFC fighter and “Ultimate Fighter” contestant Mike Whitehead is being sought by Las Vegas police on sexual assault and drug charges. And when we say drug charges, we aren’t talking about a half-smoked joint and a couple of Percocet in the ashtray of his car. We’re talking about a full-scale marijuana growing operation, with about $500,000 worth of plants. And that’s in addition to, you know, the sexual assault thing.

Las Vegas police reportedly went to Whitehead’s house in the first place because of the sexual assault allegations, but while there they discovered the stockpile of marijuana plants. At that point we can only assume that the investigating officers simultaneously dropped their flashlights, turned to one another with mouths agape, and exclaimed, ‘Dude.’

As you probably guessed, “King Mo” Lawal did not react kindly to the news that he’d been fined by the California State Athletic Commission for spilling an energy drink all over the mat after his victory over Mike Whitehead at Strikeforce: Evolution. He doesn’t think it’s fair that you can’t celebrate by tossing a sticky, sugary, artificial substance all over the mat, and, naturally, he chalks the fine up to all the “haters” who don’t want him to have any fun. Perhaps the most baffling part about his post-fight Rockstar bath, however, is that, according to Lawal, he did that whole thing pro bono:

"I’m not sponsored by Rockstar. The thing is, I couldn’t have any other beverage in the ring. If I could have, I would have had Pepsi. But Rockstar is cool, they are the sponsor for Strikeforce, I have a lot of respect for Strikeforce so I just did it. Why not? I was just out there having fun.”

This is where we are forced to wonder why pouring an artificially-flavored beverage all down his face and, at one point, on top of his head, is so inextricably linked to “fun” in Lawal’s mind. When we thought it was an unsubtle attempt to get his sponsor some love, it made a lot more sense. But just for fun? We’re starting to get a better idea of why Mo is no longer allowed in most upscale establishments. There’s just too much to clean up once he starts having a good time.

(Props: StrikeforceFilms)

Discussing his quick-’n’ easy win over Mike Whitehead at Strikeforce: Evolution on Saturday, Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal stated the obvious — maybe Mike would have done better if he didn’t come in so fat. Without speed on his side, Whitehead was a sitting duck for Mo’s attacks. Though Lawal says he’ll fight anybody Scott Coker puts in front of him, a king needs a crown, and his ultimate goals are to fight Strikeforce light-heavyweight champ Gegard Mousasi and #1 heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko.

Hey, it’s good to have ambition. Still, we can all agree that Mo needs to face some tougher competition before he starts prepping for title fights. One of the few names that come to mind is Renato "Babalu" Sobral, who previously held Strikeforce’s light-heavyweight belt before Mousasi beat the fuck out of him. Strikeforce may want to give Lawal one more fight to develop him before making that matchup, but if you want to fast-track Mo to contendership, Babalu is probably the way to go. And with Coker’s 205-pound class as thin as it is, there may not be any other options that make sense.

As expected, Lawal’s royally pimpin’ cage-entrance was almost as entertaining as his fight, though it was unfortunately left out of the Showtime broadcast. Check out some fan-shot video and pictures of King’s "queens" after the jump…

(Props: MMA TKO)

Mike Whitehead enjoyed significant advantages in both MMA experience and sheer poundage when he faced off against "King Mo" Lawal at Strikeforce: Evolution last night, but neither could keep him from getting knocked into a wonderland of confusion before the first round was up.  That might be partly because when Whitehead fights as a heavyweight he shows up looking a little more rotund than usual, which doesn’t seem to help his speed or explosiveness any.  Or it could just be because Lawal really is as good as he says he is.

Whitehead came into this fight thinking he was getting hosed by being labled an underdog, despite having twenty-five more fights than Lawal.  That vacant stare in his eyes as the referee comes over to pull Lawal off of him?  We’d like to think that’s Whitehead looking into the abyss and seeing just how wrong he was.  Maybe with a change of attitude and a little less excess weight it could have been him guzzling Rockstar like it was neon pink champagne last night. 

(‘It’s not a skirt, you assholes.  The Romans wore these. Read a book.’)

The surprises just keep coming for the New Year’s Eve K-1 Dynamite show.  Jerome Le Banner is sick with the flu and has been forced to pull out of his fight with Mark Hunt, and Melvin Manhoef has agreed to take his place.  Despite the incredible weight difference between the heavyweight Hunt and the sort of middleweight Manhoef, the two will fight an MMA bout under “Dream rules” for three five-minute rounds.  

Is it a good idea for Manhoef, a vicious striker with an almost non-existent ground game to face a much heavier and damn near impossible to knock out fighter like Hunt, who also packs a serious wallop of his own?  Short answer: no.  No, it is probably not a good idea.  Especially on short notice.  But unlike many of the other bad ideas on the Dynamite NYE show, this one I’d actually love to see. 

Dammit, Japan.  Just when I want to curse your lack of rules and regulations, you go and do something like this to leave me more conflicted than ever.  I just can’t quit you.

In other news…

(Kim Couture at the first “Night of Combat” show in June; thankfully, she’ll be behind the scenes this time. Photo courtesy of Mike Responts via MMA Junkie.)

With Affliction’s “Day of Reckoning” card postponed, the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas was left with an open spot on its event schedule — which has been filled by a new MMA card, thanks to none other than Kim “Sugar Free” Couture. According to MMA Weekly, KC Concepts (a shadowy outfit headed up by Randy’s wife) in partnership with boxing promoter Skip Kelp’s Superfights MMA have snatched up the October 11th spot at Thomas & Mack. Two Xtreme Couture fighters who were slated to fight at “Day of Reckoning” — Jay Hieron and Mike Pyle — will now compete at “A Night of Combat II,” as well as a host of other mid-level names. Tickets are available now, and the lineup is looking like this:

1. Mike Whitehead vs. Alan Goes (205)
2. Jay Hieron vs Bryson Kamaka (170)
3. Mike Pyle vs. Brian Gassaway (170)
4. John Alessio vs. Gideon Ray (167)
5. Josh Haynes vs. Steve Byrnes (185)
6. JJ Mix vs. John Halverson (155)
7. Mike Dizak vs. Erick Uresk (155)
8. Patrick “Kui” Gonzalves vs. Ryan Lamareaux (145)
9. Ian Omalza vs Ryan Hass (135)
10. Elana Reed vs Stephanie Palmer (115) swing

Not too bad, considering the most expensive ticket is $53. I wonder if Ozzy will still show up…

Related: “Day of Reckoning” headliner Josh Barnett is also moving on with his life. He will reportedly fight at Sengoku 6 (November 1st; Saitama, Japan) against an opponent to be named later. The event will be co-headlined by the semi-finals and finals of Sengoku’s lightweight grand prix, featuring Satoru Kitaoka, Eiji Mitsuoka, Kazunori Yokota, and Mizuto Hirota.