(Don’t worry, it’s the guy on the bottom. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.)

Relax, Potato Nation, we can all rest assured knowing that Vitor Belfort did in fact beat the colon cannonballs out of Michael Bisping at UFC on FX 7 without needing a banned substance to do so (Author’s note: Not that we would judge him if he did. Because when you judge someone, it sounds like you are a God. And we live in a freedom country, where you are either a Republican or a Democrat. Who is right?). And while that’s all well and good, one of the tests from the event did come back positive, as Dana White had mentioned earlier this week.

According to Brazilian news outlet Tatame, the fighter who pissed dirty at UFC on FX 7 was…Thiago Tavares:

After many rumors, the results of doping tests UFC Sao Paulo left [Note: Fucking Google translate, I tell you]. According to TATAME, the name of the athlete caught is Thiago Tavares. Our sources, however, need not know the substance used for light weight. His suspension will be nine months.

Yep, the guy we last saw eating Khabib Nurmagomedov’s elbows like they were acarajes is the one who got popped for what we can only assume is some kind of steroid. It kind of makes sense when you realize that Tavares regularly drops 20 pounds in between fights to fulfill his double life as salsa artist Marc Anthony.

(“No way! You were the completely innocent victim of a vast conspiracy aimed at soiling your reputation TOO?! Somebody call Lance, we’ve got some work to do.”) 

You know, just once I would like to hear an athlete take full responsibility for their actions without needing an hour-long Oprah special to do so. I realize that as fans, we often refuse to acknowledge that the people we falsely idolize are capable of wrongdoing, but if the athletes that continue to get busted for banned substances/steroids/stevia were truly concerned about their fanbase, they probably wouldn’t be trying to cheat the system in the first place.

So you’ll excuse my rush to judgement, but suffice it to say, I ain’t buying the conspiracy theory that former Strikeforce light heavyweight champion Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante laid out in a recent interview with Globo Esporte. As you might recall, Cavalcante tested positive for Stanozolol in the aftermath of his win over Mike Kyle last May, and was subsequently denied an appeal by the California State Athletic Commission in the months that followed. Although if you were to ask Rafael, he would tell you that the blood — or rather, the urine — is on the CSAC’s hands:

The organizers wanted to harm me. I had conducted a test in Brazil a week before the fight. I would not be so stupid to take any banned substance, the type of anabolic they claimed I took in fact makes a person gain weight. I’m already a heavyweight, would not take that. 

The urine sample was manipulated. When the form was submitted, it was dated on May 18, 2012, but in reality the sample was collected a day later on may 19. When we checked the form more carefully, we saw that there was another mistake. The collection was made at the HP Pavilion, where the event was held, but in the form it says collection was made at the hotel where we were staying.

By Jason Moles

As soon as Joe Rogan put the mic in Chael Sonnen’s face for the customary post-fight comments at UFC 136, it hit us; Sonnen is clearly the best trash talker in the history of the sport.

Everyone watching went bananas as the American Gangster challenged the pound-for-pound king, Anderson Silva, to a ‘Loser Leaves Town’ match. At that point in time there is nothing MMA fans wanted more* than to see that fight happen, Dana White included.

USA Today recently caught a word with UFC President Dana White where he told them that he “would be pretty f*cking stupid not to book Silva vs. Sonnen 2.” It seems that Captain Obvious has reared his head once again to the delight of almost everyone.

This got me thinking about other things that, if left undone, would make Dana White pretty f*cking stupid. Keep on reading below and put me on blast for being a TUF Noob in the comments.

(‘Furthermore, I’d like to say that there’s at least a chance that I didn’t do anything wrong, and I am kind of committed to partially clearing my name of most of these possibly erroneous charges.’)

Here’s what’s weird about the statement Josh Barnett made on his MySpace blog this morning with regards to his current steroid-related licensing issues in California: never does he actually come out and say that he didn’t do it.  At best, Barnett implies his innocence.  He suggests that he was surprised to have failed the steroid test, but stops short of saying that it would have been impossible for him to have popped positive.  In a sporting world where we all just expect athletes to vehemently deny steroid use right up until conclusive proof emerges, this is not a good sign.  Check it out and see what we mean:

Many of you are wondering what’s happening.  What I can say is that when applying for my license, the CSAC asked for me to submit a urine sample for testing prior to granting my license as they do with everyone, I believe. It was not a random test. I had no reason to believe there would be any issues and went in to submit my sample at the earliest possible opportunity on June 25th.  I never once thought there would be a problem.