(Somewhere in Indiana, Miguel Torres is breathing a sigh of relief.) 

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the single dumbest tweet of 2013. The top one.

385 retweets. 184 favorites. And counting.

Feel free to start speculating how much Diaz gets fined for this, or what his inevitable apology to the LGBT community will sound like, in the comments section.

-J. Jones

(“Each of us has the same quantity of the most precious commodity in the world… time. Except for you, Jon Jones, you’ve only got a few more hours left on the ticker than Daniel Cormier’s nutritionist.” I’m Pic Props: BleacherReport.com/MMA)

By Jason Moles

Since August 2012, Chael P. Sonnen has been pining for a fight with Jon Jones. In that time, Sonnen named a pizza after the UFC light heavyweight champion, wrote him a poem, and rendered masterful performances of his soliloquies at every turn along the way.

Considering we live in a tech-crazed world, it’s no surprise that the beef between the two UFC standouts spilled over into social media. Because Twitter was invented with MMA in mind, it was the perfect place for this feud to play out, with hundreds of thousands of fans hanging on every word. It is there that the “bad guy” ratcheted up the intensity of his verbal assault on Jones, moving from his running commentary on the young champ’s latest headlines to putting “Bones’” title reign on the clock. Here’s what the countdown looks like, via @SonnenCH:

30 – the days left until the fall of your champion and the rise of the DARKSIDE #UFC159 #4/27/13

29 – the year AD in which King Dionysius died and was succeed by Spartacus. 29 days and I too take what is rightfully mine #UFC159 #4/27/13

(Despite what your grandmother thinks, Twitter is not a euphemism and does not warrant a squirt of Dawn in your mouth.)

By Jason Moles

Back in 2010, the brain trust at CagePotato HQ compiled a list of the 25 most essential MMA Twitter feeds to follow. Boy, do we sure know how to pick ‘em. Miguel Torres, Kimbo Slice, Mayhem Miller, Reed Harris, Shane Carwin, and Strikeforce have all since faded out of relevance or gone off the deep end. Wait, Reed does what now? Are you sure? Nevermind — we’re back with an updated list of who you should really be following on Twitter, and this time we’ve actually put some thought into it instead of blindly tossing darts at our screen while simultaneously using a Shakeweight. Please note, this is 2013 and if you don’t already know you should be following Dana White, Arianny Celeste, or Ariel Helwani, you’re probably the reason Jon Jones is defending his title against Chael Sonnen this Saturday at UFC 159. Speaking of the gangster from West Linn…

twitter.com/sonnench

Bio: “Godfather of integrity; dual masters in dominance and modesty; once outboxed Hemingway; & author of this year’s bestseller, available NOW on Amazon”

If you thought Sonnen refused to break kayfabe only when the cameras were rolling, you must not have been paying attention because his gimmick is boundless. The People’s Champion maximizes his 140-character limit with every emasculating jab at his opponents, peers, and detractors in the MMA media. The American Gangster is the only man on Twitter to follow absolutely no one, not even his own mother.

Sample Tweet: “15 – the number of letters in the word hydropneumatics as well as Chael beats Jones. #UFC159 #4/27/13″

(Pictured from left to right: Jason Miller’s mother, Chael Sonnen, and Jason Miller’s girlfriend.) 

There is no truly no place on the Internet more hate stricken than that of the Twittersphere, other than Sputnikmusic or well…here, of course. I’ll be honest, I’ve had a Twitter account for a few months now and I’m still not truly sure as to what its purpose on this world is. Do I care if Kourtney Kardashian is currently releasing the contents of her latest trip to Moe’s in the second floor bathroom of a Versace outlet? Not really, but apparently there are nearly six million people on this planet that need to be made aware of this disturbing fact, right down to how many pieces of corn managed to find their way into the bowl. But I digress.

Perhaps the most ironic aspect of Twitter, at least in my mind, is its ability to make celebrities willingly trade away the last bit of privacy they so desperately ask for when bombarded by the media. In less than 150 characters, these public figures can run their names into the ground, yet even the UFC encourages it, handing out monetary awards for “creativity” and “growth percentage” for this “social” media network. Where, in times past, people wrote down their thoughts in journals, diaries, or simply let a thought go, nowadays everyone from Miguel Torres to King Mo have significantly screwed themselves by using this device as a platform to express their innermost feelings for the world to see, somehow unaware that it would bite them in the ass almost immediately. Such is the case for Jason “Mayhem” Miller.

Always the funnyman, Miller took to his Twitter yesterday and jotted down quite a zinger in light of Chael Sonnen’s recent Twitter remarks concerning Alistair Overeem:

@mayhemmiller
Chael berating someone on their test level is like me making fun of someone’s bad haircut.

Check out Sonnen’s end all response after the jump. 

(Now Mo, you’re going to have to be more original than that if you expect to get paid on the streets.) 

Quinton Jackson must be seething with rage right now. As you may recall, following his January 7th second round TKO victory over Lorenz Larkin at Strikeforce: Rockhold vs. Jardine, Muhammed “King Mo” Lawal tested positive for Drostanolone. Shortly thereafter, Mo acquired a particularly brutal case of staph infection that nearly took his life, but the bad news wasn’t over yet.

King Mo appeared before the Nevada State Athletic Commission yesterday to receive his punishment, which was rather standard — a 9 month suspension, a 30% fine of his $80,000 purse, the surrendering of his win bonus, and his bout with Larkin being overturned to a no-contest. However, things took a weird turn after chairperson Pat Lundvall, when referring to the information Lawal knowingly falsified on his pre-fight medical documents, called into question that of Lawal’s ability to read and understand English. Needless to say, Mo was rather insulted by such an accusation, and took to Twitter, where he promptly screwed himself royally.

Follow us after the jump for the full story. 

(‘Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd got nothing on us, baby.’)

Sometimes you have to stop and wonder how people ever dealt with hardship before the invention of Twitter. Before the age when one could broadcast one’s own personal tragedies in 140 characters or less, how did we ever get along? I mean, say you’re a woman who recently went through a miscarriage, as Jenna Jameson claimed on her Twitter account recently. What are you supposed to do with that pain, keep it to yourself? Only share it with close friends and family members? Some life that would be. Your 97,000 followers on Twitter absolutely need to know about this, just like they need to know about the really bad flu your famous pro fighter boyfriend is suffering from, and about your desire to be in an all-girl rock band.

And see, that’s just a couple of days in the Twitter life of Tito and Jenna. A few weeks ago Ortiz raised eyebrows with cryptic messages about how difficult his life had become, prompting all manner of speculation about his health and general well being. Now he tweets that he’s suffering from “the worst ful I have every had [sic]. More IV’s please.”