(Welcome to Hell, “UFC Fan.”)
The UFC has finally done it, Potato Nation. They’ve finally crossed the line in the fucking sand.
Over the past year, the petty larcenists and newly-reformed-but-not-really-reformed gang members that constitute the UFC’s marketing department have been facing increasing pressure from their shiny-headed overlord to try and convince us that the UFC’s injury plagued, garbage ass pay-per-views were worth our money. And because a group of ragtag, delinquent video editors can only do so much, they were forced to scramble: recycling decade-old highlights to try and sell us on one fight and using outright tomfoolery to sell us on another. Hell, they even got so desperate that they took the honest approach to advertising.
But their best efforts could not prepare them for the UFC’s first trip to China. “A card so early,” they cried, “No one will want to watch that! Why, boss? WHY?!” They were desperate, knowing they had to go big with this advertising campaign or they would surely lose their jobs and be cast back into the cesspool they once called an existence. So, drawing inspiration from the recently popularity of such “torture porn” movies as Saw, Hostel, and Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo, they put together an ad campaign that no one could dare look away from: a prolonged public execution, as carried out by the UFC’s brightest stars.
Three experts were brought in: The Muscle (Rashad Evans), the Loon (Chael Sonnen), and the Brains (Arianny Celeste), and over the course of three weeks, the subject dubbed “UFC fan” in the header photo (out of respect for his family) was hazed to death.
Sessions 1 through 3 are after the jump. Caution: These videos contain graphic material.