(I could’ve sworn I took the blue pill.)

By Jason Moles

They say that time waits for no one and that you’d be wise to treasure every moment you have. After reading this, I bet you’d agree too.

To realize the value of ten years: Ask a 20-something-year-old who just signed his first major contract.

With 10 correct entries out of 32 submissions, the odds of winning this Hayabusa-sponsored UFC 140 contest were better than most, but as with most things in life, (except for stupid sports like doubles tennis and two-man bobsled) there can only be one winner.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/LuckieBoot)

A new Australian documentary was released this week and it looks pretty damn good.

Fighting Fear focuses on the lives of two best friends who happen to be professional sportsmen and how their relationship with each other helped the them through the low points of their lives.

The film gives a glimpse into the lives of childhood friends, pro surfer Mark Mathews and MMA fighter Richie “Vas” Vaculik and examines how each had to deal with their fears to do what they do for a living.

Narrated by Warrior actor Joel Edgerton, the movie follows the two adrenaline junkies through their real-life struggles as they strive to make it in their respective ultra-competitive sports.

(Don’t worry Bob, it can only get better from here. That has to be true at least once in a while.) 

Imagine this scenario; you’re an up and coming fighter in the cut-throat world of MMA who’s finally earned his shot at the big time. The packed stadium, the camera crews, the ring girls, they’re all there. And best of all, your fight is about to be broadcast for the world to see. “I’ve made it,” you think as you bathe in the bright lights shining down on you.

But then, before you know what hit you, you’re looking up at a large, possibly Rastafarian man, who’s asking if you know where you are. And for the rest of your life, you are dubbed “that guy who got destroyed by ______ .” No matter what you accomplish, you will always be known for one bump in the road that just about everyone happened to witness. Well, here at CP, we know this story all too well, so we decided to check up on a few of these poor suckers, VH1 style, and find out what they were up to. Because knowing is half the battle. Enjoy.

Dos Caras Jr.

What (most of us) know him for: As one of the victims of the greatest MMA technique of 2003.

What he’s been up to: As it turns out, Dos Caras Jr. has actually had a rather successful career since nearly being decapitated by Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic back at PRIDE – Bushido 1. His real name is Alberto Rodriguez, and he actually wasn’t that bad of a fighter. Honestly, considering he both wore a mask and went by a fake name, he was a pretty damn awesome fighter, and easily the most successful. After dropping a unanimous decision to Kazuhiro Nakamura at Pride 27, “Two Faces” went 6-1, with all wins coming by way of stoppage. He even managed to pull out a head kick KO of his own back in 2010 against 3-8 fighter Arthur Bart.

Where he is now:

(Props to IronForgesIron.com) 

Fresh of his various appearances in our Hayabusa Cameo Contest, former UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell popped up on Hawaii Five-0 recently, showcasing an entirely different side of his acting abilities, this time playing “cage fighter.” I’ll give all due credit to Alex O’Loughlin for not only fighting up a couple of weight classes, but for taking part in the most brutal charity match this side of Rocky vs. Thunderlips. And is it just us, or does Chucky boy have “that look” in his eyes yet again?

(Video courtesy of YouTube/Us)

Do you fancy yourself an aficionado of obscure cameos by MMA fighters and personalities in movies and TV shows? Do you like cool MMA gear?

If you answered “YES” to either of the questions above, you may have a slim chance of winning a sweet prize package from our friends at Hayabusa valued at approximately $300.

Here’s the deal: Tomorrow we will post a video with a variety of obscure and not so obscure clips from various films and television programs featuring fighters, commentators and innovators from the sport of MMA. To enter, drop us an email at contest@cagepotato.com with the name each movie and show and the MMA personality that appeared in it. Simple.

The clip above is an easy tune-up for you to get you ready for tomorrow, but be warned, some of the clips we’ve dug up are so random you might have to do a little detective work to identify who is in them. Seriously…we didn’t even know some of these movies existed and that some of these fighters even knew what a script was.

Remember to check back in tomorrow morning for the official video for the contest. The deadline will be Friday at 12:00 pm ET, so get your entry in early. One submission per reader and if no entrant is correct, we will choose the person with the “most correct” answers. If more than one entry is deemed a winner, all of the “winning” entries will be put into a random draw.

(You know who’s lucky I don’t have a time machine? Those damn kids with their skateboards on my sidewalks!) 

When he’s not harassing fighters inside the ring or making up false claims about MMA promotions paying him 5 million dollars to attend an event, I’d like to imagine that Larry Merchant is playing Parcheesi in Boca Vista somewhere, just enjoying the fact that time travel doesn’t exist so he wouldn’t have to follow through on some of his outrageous claims. Well, I would be wrong in that assessment, because it turns out Merchant is far too busy talking out his ass at every possible opportunity to even have time for table based games of mental aptitude. In a recent interview with Boxing Scene, Merchant responded to Dana White’s claims that he was “senile” and “an embarrassment to HBO” with the following statement, which I can only assume took a fortnight to spit out:

(It seems that local shows have corned the market on doppelganger MMA as well.) 

Quite possibly the most dangerous proving ground in all of mixed martial arts, the local MMA show combines the blood-soaked glory of the big leagues with the fluorescent lighting and seating arrangements of your high school gymnasium or neighborhood watering hole. Often featuring announcers that would make Mauro Ranallo blush and referees that would be laughed off stage by Cecil Peoples, the local show never ceases to be entertaining, as well as a place where some of the sport’s finest talents build their resumes and skill sets. And with all the unknown prospects (not to mention knockouts) we were treated to with last night’s season opener of The Ultimate Fighter 14, I figured I’d surf the web and find eight of the localest, bar-room-brawlingest, shakiest-cameraist knockouts out there for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

-Danga

1. “That’s gunna leave a mark” 

(Video courtesy of YouTube/sugarrayhatton)

If you saw the movie “The Fighter” with Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale, you know who “Irish” Mickey Ward is. To the rest of us, he’s a former boxer who put in perhaps the best single round in boxing history against the late Arturro Gatti.

In an interview he recently did with East Side Boxing, Ward spoke about the influx of boxers crossing over to fight in MMA.

“I don’t really think that boxing needs saving, but [Mayweather fighting Pacquiao] would bring back a lot of people to the sport. I think it would bring a lot of interest back to boxing. I don’t think that boxing will ever go anywhere, because it’s the oldest sport there is. But there are a lot of people going to the MMA side,” Ward says. “You know what we need? We need the best fighters to fight the best fighters, and that way boxing would go back to where it was in the 70’s. Look at Bernard Hopkins; he will fight anyone in the world. He is the exception to the age rule. He is incredible.”

(Video courtesy of Ebaumsworld.)

We often joke about female fighters like Cris Cyborg testing her mettle against men in her weight class, but the chances of it ever happening are slim to none.

That is, unless you live in Brazil, where apparently gender bias doesn’t get in the way of a good scrap.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/JoeRoganDotNet)

One way of gauging the popularity of something is the growing influence it has on stand-up comedy. Case in point, the next few weeks we’ll likely see an influx of Casey Anthony jokes like we did Rep. Anthony Weiner ones the past month. If you watch much stand-up comedy, you’ll notice that more and more comedians (besides Joe Rogan) are mentioning MMA and the UFC in their routines.

That’s a pretty good indication that the sport has stepped out of the “fringe” category and into the mainstream. I can’t help but get excited every time I hear a comedian mention MMA, even if they call it, “Ultimate Fighting” and wrongly describe it as “no-holds-barred fighting.” Exposure is exposure and it means MMA is relevant in society.

Check out some of our other favorite MMA-related bits after the jump.

(“Mr. Reilly, how long will it take for you to produce these documents? It’s been five days already.”)

The bill to regulate MMA in New York State, A04146A, was passed by a margin of 16-3 by a Tourism, Parks, Arts and Sports Development committee vote today and will be passed along for voting by various other departments before a final decision on the matter is made by State Assembly.

Unfortunately for MMA fans in the Empire state, the bill will likely not be pushed through in time for a vote before the current session ends in seven days, meaning it will be back to the drawing board next session.

(“Excellent.”)

In spite of the passing of a Senate bill last month to lift New York ban of mixed martial arts, the state’s biggest douchebag most vocal opponent Bob Reilly says he’s pretty sure that an Assembly vote on the matter won’t happen until at least 2012.

The bill, which was approved by a 48-12 margin last month by the lower tier of government is expected to pass it’s next vote June 7, pushing it on to state Assembly voting. If it passes another vote after that, the sport could be legalized following a mandatory 90-day waiting period, however that’s a big if, considering it sounds like Reilly is planning on dragging out the process into next year.

(Props: MMAFighting.com)

In an unofficial sequel to “People Like That Get Slapped,” Ariel Helwani attempted to interview Quinton “Rampage” Jackson yesterday, and barely escaped with his life. After some warm-up insults about Helwani’s tie and shoes, Jackson realized who he was talking to, and the vibe immediately became hostile. Apparently Jackson didn’t appreciate that Helwani asked him about “Queen Mo” during a recent MMA Hour appearance — while Rampage was eating, no less — when ‘Page just wanted to discuss his UFC 130 fight against Matt Hamill. Plus, his peoples told him that Ariel had been hatin’.

Ariel offers to squash the beef at the 2:52 mark. Unfortunately, that phrase means the exact opposite in Memphis than it does everywhere else, and Jackson raises up on Ariel, who does his best to change the subject. Rampage gets upset again later when Helwani brings up nutritionist Mike Dolce, who wasn’t with Rampage for this training camp. (“I’m fighting Matt Hamill, I’m not fighting Mike Dolce. What’s Mike Dolce got to do with me winning or losing a fight?”)

The interview ends in a more cordial fashion, but Jackson clarifies that if it wasn’t for his friend Anthony Evans, who’s a friend of Ariel’s, “I probably would have smacked the shit out of you.”

(“Let’s see here: High kick, low kick, body kick, side check kick … yep, I think I’ve got them all scouted.” Pic: LasVegasSun)

Some three days later, I’m still not sure if it makes it better or worse that Randy Couture’s MMA career ended via insane, never-before-seen crane kick knockout. On one hand, it was certainly sad to see the legend’s body slump lifelessly to the canvas after the UFC’s resident Karate Kid blasted him in the face just a minute into the second round of their bout in Toronto. On the other hand, maybe the kick really just saved us nine more minutes of watching Couture take potshots to the face at the hands of notorious counterpuncher Lyoto Machida. It had taken just a few moments after all to realize this bout wasn’t going to go Couture’s way. All 47 of his hard-earned years were apparent as we watched “The Natural” hopelessly chase Machida around the Octagon like a dog trying to hunt down its own tail for the full extent of the first round. Granted, he didn’t look Chuck Liddell-bad or anything, but the performance was enough to confirm that it’s high time for Couture to walk away – and this time to stay gone.

It got us thinking. When you’re in the game for 14 years, compile a 19-11 career record, essentially shepherd a sport from its dark ages into the white hot light of mainstream acceptance – when you are arguably the most important athlete ever to compete in your chosen field – there are going to be a few ups and downs. In light of that and by way of career retrospective for a guy who absolutely deserves one, after the jump we give you our picks for the five greatest and five worst moments in the MMA career of Randy Couture, presented here in chronological order …

(Our thoughts exactly, Diego.)

This would appear to put to rest not only Royce Gracie’s aspirations to rematch Matt Hughes at UFC: Rio, but also an immediate bout for Diego Sanchez against any of the numerous dudes he’s been beefing with on Twitter: The horse’s mouth itself – UFC.com – confirmed on Thursday that Hughes and Sanchez will face-off at an event to be named later, likely in the fall. So that’s weird.

We might’ve thought Sanchez deserved better, after squeaking by Martin Kampmann via relentless disregard for his own face at the latest UFC on Versus show. Meanwhile, Hughes – who is 37 – has recently grumbled about retirement and appeared to indicate he’d only like to fight fellow old guys who he might actually be able to beat from here on out. This appears to be an odd little piece of matchmaking for both guys.

(Vid: YouTube/RussBrew)

We gotta admit, we like the way this Russell Brewer kid rolls. Props to our associates at Middle Easy for the find on this vid, which is alleged to show Brewer’s professional MMA debut at an event called “24/7 Entertainment: Professional Cage Fighting” in Midland, Texas recently. As you can see, Brewer lowers the boom on unfortunate opponent Christopher Golden with a Superman punch-knee to the face combo during the first five seconds of the bout. Then Brewer stands over Golden’s stiff, lifeless body for a moment to admire his handiwork, to his credit not landing any unnecessary strikes on the fallen man. Then (if the name of the YouTube channel is any indication) Brewer takes it upon himself to post the video online, possibly creating the channel for this express purpose, since it’s the only video on there. And that, Potatoans, is your Wednesday morning crash course in how to be a 21st Century digital badass.

(No really, it’s good for you. Pic: DLAnderson.com)

It should come as no surprise that MMA fighters on the whole seem particularly susceptible to hokum and gimmickry. After all, in this sport everybody is looking for an edge. In an industry where your ability to keep up with the Joneses (pun totally intended) can be the difference between fighting in the Octagon in front of thousands of screaming fans and having a job where one of your main responsibilities is walking the girls to their cars at the end of the night, guys will do almost anything to stay on top.

Everybody wants to be the first to discover the next big thing, that next little trick that’s going to push them to the win. In other words, MMA fighters will try anything once. Naturally, that leads to guys dabbling in some crazy shit. Does some of it really help them? Sure, probably. Is some of it just utter crap? Definitely. With that in mind, here are our choices for the eight strangest things some MMA fighters believe …

(Matt Hammill, when will you ever learn?)

Besides being a useful resource for hawking your old furniture and buying (likely stolen) used video game consoles, Craigslist is known as a portal for freaks looking to fulfill their bizarre fantasies with perfect strangers.

It turns out that the site also has a strong contingency of MMA fans who use the online service to solicit training partners, pay-per-view watching buddies and much, much worse. 

We took on the painstaking, and extremely disturbing (seriously…some boxes can’t be unopened…) task of searching through countless personal ads using combinations of the names of promotions, submissions and fighting disciplines as keywords to come up with our list of the 25 strangest ads we could before having to tap out.

Check out the 25 most eyebrow-raising posts we discovered after the jump:

Junior dos Santos interview – Watch more Funny Videos

CagePotato video correspondent Brian D’Souza braved the X-Gym in Rio De Janeiro recently and nabbed some interview time with the No. 1 contender to the UFC heavyweight title (and recent Playboy Mag fashion model) Junior dos Santos. First off, please accept our assurances that things went way better than when BDS tried to conversate in English with the middleweight champ this week. In fact, unless you’re just an out-and-out dick we think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at dos Santos’ English, which appears to be coming along nicely. Secondly, no that’s not a weed shirt he’s wearing. We don’t think.

While no official date has yet been set for his shot at the 265-pound gold, dos Santos says he expects a March or April showdown with Cain Velasquez and is already working out down in Rio with the likes of the Nogueira brothers, Anderson Silva and Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante to get ready. Dos Santos and D’ Souza cover a number of topics in their short time together, including what Cigano thought of Velasquez’s recent win over Brock Lesnar. Sounds like he enjoyed it as much as the rest of us.

“That fight was very interesting,” says dos Santos with a chuckle. “Brock Lesnar tried to fight like a monster, like what he is. I think in my mind Cain was perfect, because he just waited (out) that initial pressure from Brock Lensar. (He) waited for the right moment to change the fight and win. Cain Velasquez was perfect in that fight.”

(See, 17 years later and Gracie still doesn’t know what Jimmerson’s strategy was. VidProps: Youtube/D3ck3r34)

In honor of the revelations this week that terrible strategist Art Jimmerson has once again obtained gainful employment with Zuffa, LLC., while notorious self-saboteur Gabe Gonzaga might be done with MMA entirely, we offer this retrospective on awful game-planning throughout the short history of our sport. Some guys – like Randy Couture – are considered master tacticians, poring over tape on their opponents in order to cook up just the right recipe for success. The guys on this list? Yeah, they’re not quite on that level.

Though there are clearly scads more examples, after the jump you’ll find our ideas for the most memorable strategic fails in MMA history. Some of these dudes? We’re not sure how they ever made it to the cage in the first place. Still others are respected veterans who just don’t seem to have a knack for planning their work and working their plans. Since we’re in a good mood, both Jimmerson and Gonzaga get a pass here, though Art’s one glove stunt surely deserves a place among the worst in-ring gambits of all time. What’s the No. 1 thing to take away from this list? Well, let’s just say if you come to a fight against Couture with a crappy game plan, that old sumbitch will make you pay. Believe that, player.

(Guess who’s coming to dinner? PicProps: Cagewriter)

A bit of a slow weekend for those of us out there with more refined tastes, as the K-1 World Grand Prix 2010 Final 16 pretty much dominated the scene. If striking is your bag, you’ll probably dig the video after the jump of some guy named Gago Drago knocking out some guy named Su Hawn Lee at that event. Pretty good scrap, there. On the MMA front, reports are all but confirming Jon Jones vs. Ryan Bader will happen early next year and that after UFC 125 Antonio McKee might have to go to church and pray for the eternal soul of Jacob Volkmann.

Also after the jump, one more K-1 knockout, a short clip of Tim Hague handling Travis Wiuff at AMMA 5 north of the border, Arianny Celeste talks to an extremely creepy-voiced dude from MMA Digest, Evan Dunham shows off his scars and — in honor of his signing — a quick flashback to some of McKee’s best work.

(“I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might incriminate myself.” PicProps: Connect.in.com)

The simple fact that MMA Fighting.com got stuck talking to Randy Couture’s attorney/manager this week instead of the man himself is probably very telling about what’s going on in Couture’s world these days. Most fighters can barely scrape it together to hire a halfway-legitimate agent or manger (again, just having your girlfriend do it doesn’t count), while “The Natural” is able to dispatch this guy Sam Spira, who we assume has graduated not only from college but then took the LSAT, then graduated from law school, then passed the bar in Nevada. When you consider the sad truth that a lot of fighters don’t even know a lawyer – and no, War Machine, your public defender doesn’t qualify — that’s pretty pimp.

Especially if you can send him out to handle the media obligations you don’t want to do yourself. Hence, we actually kind of believe Spira when he tells AOL on Wednesday that it’s sort of 50-50 whether the 47-year-old Couture will be too busy and too famous trying to balance his new career as an actor (and entertaining "other opportunities") ever to compete in MMA again.

(Another of NY’s many aspiring criminals)

With states like New York refusing to regulate mixed martial arts, MMA gyms have basically become modern day speakeasies.

It’s in those establishments where fighters not only hone their skills, they also compete in smokers and unsanctioned underground fights which are a by-product of archaic lawmakers who refuse to legitimize the sport.

MMA opponents like Bob Reilly likely look at MMA gyms in the same light as his counterparts in Washington look at Al-Qaeda training camps.

The irony that fighters can legally train to break the law and trainers can supply them with the tools to commit such "crimes" in these locales is head-shakingly ludicrous, yet in 2010 we continue to fight for ordinance of a sport that is in essence, the oldest and purest form of competition known to man.

Our boy, KahL-One, has put together an incredible series of mini-documentaries about the thriving fight community in New York.

Check out episode one after the jump.

(Word Life? Nevermind. Cena is brilliant. He can communicate without the use of verbs, adjectives or pronouns.)

Before all the Pro Wrestling fanatics jump all over me for the title of this post, read the quote below, then take a deep breath and think about things in perspective.

Cena, who is a native of Newbury, Massachusetts, was asked about what he thought about the UFC coming to Boston last weekend, likely by an oblivious reporter ,who, like many mainstream scribes, think that MMA and WWE are just variations of the same acronym. Why else would you ask a wrestler to talk about a sport that has as much to do with his profession as hunting does to being a butcher? 

Here’s Cena’s well thought out reply which likely earned him a bonus from Vince McMahon:

"It’s just not something that particularly interests me," Cena told The Boston Globe ahead of UFC 118. "UFC is where boxing was years ago, and I was never really into boxing, either."

In town for last night’s WWE "Monday Night Raw" at the TD Garden, Cena said he prefers professional wrestling because it’s "regulated entertainment that’s safe for anyone to enjoy." And UFC? "It is what it is," he said. "It can be pretty over the top, and it’s not something I’d want my children to watch."

(Funny, these quacks aren’t calling for a ban on hockey.)

When a syndicated story run in the majority of Canada’s  newspapers begins with "Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls; children of all ages! In this corner, weighing in at a staggering mass of popularity, we have the blood sport known as mixed-martial arts!"

"And, in our other corner, sporting a stethoscope and look of genuine consternation, we have . . . Canadian doctors!" it usually isn’t a positive story for the sport of MMA.

A story appearing in several major Canadian newspapers today reports that
the organization that represents doctors in British Columbia is urging its counterparts from across the country to call on the federal government to impose a national ban on mixed martial arts.

According to the report, the B.C. Medical Association held a caucus meeting and passed a resolution stating it wants the full-contact sport banned in Canada last month and now the body, which acts as the voice of doctors in B.C. is planning to bring that resolution to the Canadian Medical Association’s annual general meeting at Niagara Falls, Ont., from Aug. 23 to 25.

If the national group votes in favor of adopting the resolution, it will lobby the federal government to work with the provinces to bring an end to MMA contests in the country.

"We know there are a number of serious injuries that can occur, including broken limbs, lacerations and brain damage," said Dr. Ian Gillespie, president of the B.C. organization.

Apparently Gillespie doesn’t drive a car, ride a bike or walk down the street in the presence of traffic, since each of these activities carry similar inherent risks.

(*… sigh … * VideoProps: Baller Status.com … we guess)

Seriously you guys, how many patently bad ideas can the mixed martial arts industry possibly support before it collapses inward on itself like a dying star? Answer: At least one more.

Props to the boys at MiddleEasy.com for pulling our coat to this thing, which frankly sounds like the worst proposal since Nick Cannon married Mariah Carey. It seems a couple of impresarios previously responsible for a video series called “Felony Fights” – which reportedly pits recently released prisoners against each other in what we can only imagine are incredibly gripping no rules fights – are bringing their singular promotional talents to MMA with an event called “Cage vs. Cons,”  … and yeah, it’s exactly what you think it is: Professional MMA fighters battling ex-cons inside the cage.

No, we’re not making this up.

(BJ painting a masterpiece in his preferred medium)

Looking around at the walls of my office, I’m reminded of a cold, hard reality: Most MMA artwork sucks.

That’s why I’m staring right now at a few framed MMA magazine covers and some vintage boxing posters, but no drawings or paintings of anything MMA-related. There just isn’t a hell of a lot cool stuff out there.

(“Go ahead and strap that black belt on right here, Deano.”)

Amid concerns this week that James Toney may not yet have signed his formal bout agreement to face Randy Couture at UFC 118, reports surfaced that the former boxing champion had tabbed one-time Xtreme Couture affiliate Dean Lister and Strikeforce light heavyweight champion Muhammed Lawal to help shore up his ground game. To this, I say: Bullshit. Toney might be rolling with Lister and Lawal a bit just to keep up appearances, but there’s no way he’s making an honest effort to learn to grapple.

Look, in his day James Toney was nothing short of an unmitigated badass. He was a guy who took on all-comers in numerous weight classes and more often than not came out on top. Even at his advanced age he can still hit very, very hard. But Toney has never, especially in recent years, been overly committed to training. The idea that he would suddenly attempt to augment his skill-set three months before his MMA debut is far-fetched. The notion that – even if he did – he could close the grappling gap on Couture in that short amount of time is, well, ludicrous.

(“Hey sweetheart, you ever seen the missing frames from the Zapruder film? Would you like to?”)

If MMA folks sometimes seem a little suspicious that The Man is out to get them it’s because there was a time in the sport’s short history when The Man really was out to get them, and not just in the Rampage-Jackson-on-the-55-Freeway kind of way. A number of factors, including efforts by finagling lawmakers to kill MMA in the late ’90s and the glut of misinformation about the sport that still percolates in many mainstream media reports, have created a bit of a bunker mentality among its hardcore supporters.

At this point, when events fall apart, judges issue hinky decisions or another fledgling organization goes under, some of us are all too quick to assume that it’s the work of sinister forces beyond our control. Whether true or not, MMA’s past is rife with rumors of secret plots, backroom deals and widespread collusion.

In light of that, here are CagePotato.com’s Top 10 MMA Conspiracy Theories. Many of them you’ve probably heard before, but perhaps a few will be new to you. Some are ludicrous, while others probably contain a kernel of truth. At least a few are enough to make a man question everything he thought he knew about life and the universe around him.

The truth is out there, motherfuckers.