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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: MMA

Herschel Walker’s MMA Debut Set for January 30th

Herschel Walker
(Photo courtesy of Tie courtesy of Elton John.)

Heisman Trophy winner, two-time NFL Pro Bowl selection, Olympic bobsledder, Dissociative Identity Disorder sufferer, Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Tae Kwon Do black belt, and American Kickboxing Academy student Herschel Walker will make his MMA debut on January 30th at a Strikeforce event to be held at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida. The news was announced yesterday via press release, though Walker’s opponent has yet to be named. The only other match tied to the card at this point is Cristiane "Cris Cyborg" Santos‘s 145-pound title defense against Marloes Coenen.

As Dana White pondered when Walker’s Strikeforce signing was first announced: "Which athletic commission is going to let this guy fight? Who the fuck are they going to find to fight Herschel Walker? A guy in a wheelchair?” We now know the answer to the first question is "Florida," the state that previously signed off on Kimbo Slice vs. Ken Shamrock at the same venue last October. As for Dana’s other hypotheticals, we hope that Herschel Walker’s opponent has some kind of disability, considering that Walker has only been training in MMA since last month, and it wouldn’t really be fair to make him fight a guy who has both fighting experience and the use of all of his limbs. I mean, if Strikeforce really wants to put Walker against Fedor Emelianenko in the spring, they’d better give him a beatable first opponent.


Painkiller Dependency Spurred Karo Parisyan’s Latest Fight Withdrawal

(Melanson and Parisyan, before it all fell apart. Props:

In a new interview with Five Ounces of Pain, Karo Parisyan’s longtime friend and training partner Neil Melanson confirmed that Parisyan’s latest last-minute fight-cancellation was directly related to the painkiller addiction that has haunted him for years. After Melanson got permission from Karo to go public with the story, he laid it all out:

“Karo’s had some problems with an addiction to pain medicine due to an injury he sustained a few years ago. Then when he started having these anxiety problems, it didn’t seem like the anxiety pills were helping him. The only thing that was helping him was the pain medication that he had been taking for his injuries. That’s when he just started down that slope. It’s just one of those situations where you have two guys that sit down to have a drink, and you have one guy that can go home and he’s fine, and the other guy has to go out and get wasted every single time because he’s an alcoholic. I think that maybe with the pills, that Karo is the second guy. Maybe he’s the guy that can’t take them here and there, or can’t use them effectively…
He told me that he was on pain medicine, but he wanted to get off. He had a plan and he was working his way to get off of it. About a month ago he was taking about half the amount that he usually does and he was pretty optimistic. He was really trying to push it. He was going through some withdrawals and he would try to push it as hard as he could to get off the stuff. He really had a plan to be off three weeks prior to the fight and he really wanted to clean up. He really wanted to do this right. It was really important to him and his family. I hadn’t spoken to him for just a little bit, and I guess he tried, but he couldn’t.

UFC 106: The New Guys

(Antonio Rogerio Nogueira vs. Dan Henderson, 4/23/05)

Of the 22 fighters testing their fates on Saturday night, three of them will be stepping into the Octagon for the first time — but don’t expect these guys to crack under the pressure. Read on to meet the MMA veterans and submission experts who will be trying to make dominant first impressions at "Ortiz vs. Griffin II"…

Experience: 17-3 record, with notable victories over Dan Henderson, Alistair Overeem (twice), Kazushi Sakuraba, and Vladimir Matyushenko (in January, which avenged his first career loss). Has won his last five fights, most recently submitting Dion Staring via triangle choke in May.
Will be facing: Luis Cane (10-1 with 1 no-contest, 3-1 UFC)
Lowdown: Whether you know him better as "Minotoro" or "Lil’ Nog," there’s a good chance you’re already aware of Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira’s twin brother. The 33-year-old veteran of PRIDE, Affliction, and Sengoku has had a decorated career dating back to March 2001, and is considered by many to be one of the ten best light-heavyweights in the world right now. Though Antonio Rogerio comes from a BJJ background like his bro (who he trains with at Black House), four of his last six wins have come via TKO, and he won a bronze medal in boxing at the 2007 Pan American Games. Minotoro hasn’t lost a fight since his shock-upset KO defeat against Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou at PRIDE 33, nearly three years ago. Says Rogerio of his UFC debut: “For more than three years, UFC was my goal and now I’m just very happy to be here in the best event. The UFC has the best talent in the world, and I feel like now I’m going to be challenged like I’ve never been challenged before in my career…The fans can expect to see a very well-trained and well-prepared athlete who’s very focused and determined to win."


Brockwatch: Lesnar in Stable Condition, Will Leave Hospital Soon

Brock Lesnar Joe Rogan UFC MMA
("…so I said, ‘Incurable disease? My God, what’s the *good* news?’ And the doctor says, ‘We’re going to name it after you.’")

From the Associated Press:

BISMARCK, N.D. — UFC President Dana White said Monday that heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar is recovering from a bacterial infection in his intestinal tract. "He’s in stable condition and should be released soon," UFC President Dana White said.
Asked if Lesnar was in a Bismarck hospital, White said, "I think he is," but did not want to say which hospital because he wanted to protect Lesnar’s privacy.
White said he is encouraging Lesnar to check into the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., for further treatment. He also said he did not know if the 32-year-old South Dakota native will fight again. "It depends on how serious this is," White said…

Videos: WEC 44 ‘Brown vs. Aldo’ Preview, UFC Fighters Shill for ‘Assassins Creed’ + More

(Props: wec)

Heads up: WEC 44 goes down next Wednesday in Las Vegas, with featherweight champ Mike Brown defending his belt against terrifying knockout artist Jose Aldo, who has ended all five of his appearences in the WEC via highlight-reel stoppage; his last opponent, Cub Swanson, lasted all of eight seconds. But is Mike Brown scared? Nah. "He’s never faced the caliber of fighter that I am," Brownie says. "It’s not gonna be an easy fight of course, but if I do my thing, I’m gonna win the fight." Check out the full lineup here.


Report: Matt Hughes vs. Renzo Gracie In the Works for UFC 109 in February

(Renzo owns Maurice Smith in 50 seconds at the Rings King of Kings tourney in December 1999. Fight starts at the 1:35 mark.)

We should have seen this one coming as soon as Lorenzo Fertitta "popped his tweet hymen" by asking fans if they’d like to see Renzo Gracie in the UFC. Fertitta must have gotten more yays than nays, because according to, Gracie is being penciled in for a scrap against Matt Hughes at UFC 109 (February 6th, Las Vegas).

Though Renzo has had a long career in vale tudo and MMA, this would be the first time he competes in the venue that his family made famous. However, he hasn’t fought at all since his disqualification win against Frank Shamrock at EliteXC: Destiny in February 2007. By comparison, Matt Hughes’s last appearance was his unanimous decision over Matt Serra in May.

At 42 years old, Renzo nicely falls into that beatable aging legends category of opponent that Hughes is currently pursuing, at the expense of more meaningful fights against those AKA jokesters. We wouldn’t say Hughes vs. Gracie (Not That Gracie) is a bigger fight than Hughes vs. Swick, but it definitely gives Matt a better chance of retiring gracefully. And in the end, isn’t that what we all want?


Fedor vs. Rogers Was the Ninth-Most-Watched MMA Fight in U.S. History

Fedor Emelianenko Brett Rogers Strikeforce MMA
(Look familiar? Photo courtesy of this set on Combat Lifestyle.)

Though the entire broadcast of "Strikeforce: Fedor vs. Rogers" averaged 4.04 million viewers — placing it behind Kimbo-headlined CBS cards like "EliteXC: Primetime" (4.85 million viewers) and "EliteXC: Heat" (4.56 million viewers) — the ratings for Saturday night’s card shot up during the main event. MMA Weekly reports that 5.46 million home viewers were in attendance between 11:00 p.m. and 11:15 p.m., making the Emelianenko vs. Rogers match the ninth-most-watched fight in U.S. MMA history. You can check out this slightly outdated list to see where that puts them, but basically, the fight fell just 15,000 viewers short of Michael Bisping vs. Matt Hamill, and about 1.8 million viewers short of the reigning champion, Kimbo vs. James Thompson. Senior Executive Vice President of CBS Primetime Kelly Kahl was pleased with the numbers:

“I think its impressive we got 5 and a half million viewers to see a guy that to a good part of the country was an unknown. The young male demos speak to MMA’a increasing popularity. To go toe-to-toe with college football says something about the growth pattern of MMA.”

Not coincidentally, the 11:00-11:15 p.m. block coincides with the time when the UFC’s "Main Events" broadcast on Spike had just ended — so a large part of the bump could be attributed to MMA fans switching from one channel to another. (No word yet on how Spike did that night.) The question is: Can Fedor draw even better ratings in his next CBS appearance, now that he’s more of a known quantity? Will he ever approach — dare we say it — Kimbo-esque levels of stardom?


Well-Informed Fight Expert Explains How He Would Beat the Inbred ‘Feedor Emelenkio’

(Props: DementedRants via adrenochrome)

Dan Quinn, you have competition. The new up-and-comer in the YouTube Crackpot division is a 51-year-old dude calling himself Damian Demento, who releases talk-radio-style blowhard rants on MMA, pro-wrestling, and marijuana. He’s a very angry person, and his latest hostility-target is Fedor Emelianenko. Despite the fact that Demento didn’t watch the fight on Saturday, he wasn’t too impressed by Fedor’s performance, or the predictable head-hunting style of Brett Rogers. For the benefit of all us stupid MMA fans, he explains how he’d be able to defeat the fighter that he knows as "Feedor Emelenkio." Basically, generations of Soviet inbreeding have produced Fedor’s trademark dwarfed head and thick skull, and what you really need to do is put the boots to his belly. And Fedor would fall for it, because he’s no smarter than Brock Leznahr or Chuck Little. If you enjoyed this rant, please check out "HOW I CAN BEAT BROCK LESNAR and "PROOF UFC IS FAKE." I tell you, after a few hits of PCP, this guy begins to make a lot of sense.

Speaking of shit that makes me laugh…


UFC 105: The New Guys

(Hamman vs. Po’ai Suganuma 2, 8/15/08)

The UFC’s trip to Manchester this Saturday will feature just two new faces — and they’ll be fighting each other. So who’s got the better chance of making a successful Octagon debut? Get the know the newbies below and make your predictions…

Experience: 10-1 record (all wins by stoppage in the first two rounds), with appearances in Strikeforce and ShoXC. Last competed in August 2008, where he avenged his only loss — a 15-second flying-knee-related TKO against Po’ai Suganuma that many felt was an early stoppage.
Will be facing: Alexander Gustafsson (see below)
Lowdown: A protege of Brian Warren at Unbreakable Gym and Vladimir Matyushenko at VMAT, the California-bred Jared Hamman was building up momentum as an exciting light-heavyweight prospect when his contract was put on ice in the wake of Pro Elite’s collapse. Or so he thought: "When EliteXC went down, I was told that my contract was being held and being transferred over to Strikeforce. I had plenty of opportunities to fight, but I was told that I couldn’t because I was still under contract…During a meeting with my manager it was discovered that I was a free agent. UFC made me an offer and I went with what I felt was the best decision…In the end, it has given me a whole year to work on my game and increase my skill."


Marquardt vs. Sonnen Reported for UFC’s First Australia Show

Nate Marquardt UFC MMAChael Sonnen UFC MMA


While Nate Marquardt (29-8-2) was awaiting a potentially pending bout with Dan Henderson for UFC 108, it appears he has decided to move on and face Chael Sonnen (24-10-1) instead at UFC 110.
Sources have informed me that the two are awaiting bout agreements and will be added to an already stellar card that the UFC is building for their debut in Sydney, Australia in February.

Marquardt is on a three-fight win streak, most recently knocking out Demian Maia in 21 seconds at UFC 102. Sonnen has won his last two, scoring unanimous decisions over highly-regarded middleweights Dan Miller and Yushin Okami. It’s an interesting matchup that raises some important questions: First off, does this mean that Dan Henderson has officially left the UFC? Last week, Dana White said he was certain that Henderson had been signed by Strikeforce, though his manager denied it. And hey, would Chael Sonnen get the next shot at Anderson Silva (after Vitor Belfort gets his) if he manages to pull off an upset against Marquardt? Good Lord. Thanks a lot, Hendo.

The current lineup for UFC 110 (February 21st; Sydney, Australia) is after the jump…