Spoiler alert: Ninja, Gina, Andrei, Jake, and Kimbo (!) are going to win, maybe all within the first round. If you’re curious about how exactly it’ll happen, read on. Hit that “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes to get all the latest updates from the live CBS broadcast, comin’ atcha from the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, Florida. Seriously though, this is about to be some lopsided shit. Grab some beers.

Get this: At about 6:20 p.m. ET, MMA Rated passed along the word that Ken Shamrock sustained a cut above his eye in the last 24 hours while training, forcing him to pull out of tonight’s main event against Kimbo Slice. Frank Shamrock — who is handling commentary tonight for CBS — actually volunteered to step in as a last-minute replacement, but he isn’t licensed to fight in Florida, so EliteXC instead had their eyes on KOTC brawler/UFC castoff Seth Petruzelli, who was supposed to face Aaron Rosa on tonight’s undercard. Then, MMA Rated reported that a very shady doctor was found who cleared Shamrock to fight around 7 p.m., saving “Heat” from one of the greatest Epic Fails in MMA history. Well, we hope. MMA Weekly now says that the fight has a 50/50 chance of happening. Other sources say the fight is 100% dunzo.

Update: Ariel Helwani tells Ben Fowlkes (who tells me) that Seth Petruzelli is 100% in as Ken’s replacement. Wow. On the bright side, Kimbo is finally fighting a legitimate heavyweight who isn’t riding an eight-fight losing streak. This should be interesting…

Update #2: “JM” wins the t-shirt. Shoot your address and size to feedback@cagepotato.com, brah.

(Murilo Rua and a devoted fan. Picture courtesy of Sherdog.)

— Murilo “Ninja” Rua, brother of UFC light-heavyweight Mauricio “Shogun” Rua and the former EliteXC middleweight champion, will face IFL standout Benji Radach at EliteXC’s October 4th card on CBS. Radach hasn’t fought since his loss to Matt Horwich at the IFL World Grand Prix Finals last December, while Rua is coming off a first-round TKO victory over Tony Bonello at EliteXC: The Return of the King in June. It will be the first in a three-fight EliteXC contract for the American Top Team trained Radach.

— Speaking of Shogun, the older Rua brother’s rumored match with Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is looking more likely.

— And speaking of the EliteXC middleweight title, a rematch between belt-holder Robbie Lawler and Joey Villasenor is nearly a done deal for EliteXC’s November 8th card on Showtime. Lawler and Villasenor previously met at PRIDE 32 in October ’06, where Lawler won via flying knee KO in just 22 seconds.

— Matt Lindland’s next Affliction fight will be against UFC/BodogFight/Strikeforce vet Trevor Prangley, at “Day of Reckoning” on October 11th in Las Vegas. It’s been a long layoff for Prangley, who hasn’t competed since Strikeforce’s “Four Men Enter, One Man Survives” middleweight tournament last November, where he defeated Falaniko Vitale then lost to Jorge Santiago.

— Former IFL middleweight champ Dan Miller will make his UFC debut at UFC Fight Night 15 (September 17th, Omaha) against Rob Kimmons, who most recently choked out Rob Yundt at the TUF 7 finale in June.

“Interview of the Day” honors go to Ariel Helwani at MMARated for drawing out the personality of notoriously introverted wallflower Phil Baroni. Some highlights from their chat:

Ariel Helwani: How did it feel to get back in the ring after a long layoff?
Phil Baroni: I felt like shit after about four minutes. I was out of shape (and) I didn’t train for seven months. (It’s) nobody’s fault but my own. Oh well, I made a mistake. Fuck it, I’ll take it out on Ninja. Poor Ninja.

Were you happy with your performance against Hose?
What the fuck do you think? Was I happy with my performance against Hose? What are you retarded?

Who would you like to fight after the Rua fight?
Man, I already told you, I’ll fight anybody. Anderson Silva because he is considered the man and that’s what I want to be.

Any interest in fighting Shamrock again?
Fuck yeah man. That fight is my dream rematch. That’s the fight I want to get back more than any.

You’ve trained with Kimbo Slice before, what are your thoughts on him?
He is a big, black, tough motherfucker. Could it be anymore obvious?

Any final words?
Go fuck yourselves. No I’m just kidding. I just want to thank everyone for their support. I’ve grown a lot over the years as a fighter and a person (and) my best years are yet to come. I’m still in this to be a world champion. I have a lot of fight left in me. Check me out on CBS May 31st when I will eat Ninja sushi for dinner.

Check out the rest of the article for more gems from the New York Bad Ass about his upcoming fight with Murilo Rua at CBS’s Saturday Night Fights show, steroids, injuries, and Frank Shamrock. To summarize, Baroni thinks Rua is a much tougher opponent than Hose, but it’s cool because conditioning makes champions. And clearly Baroni is going to be a cardio machine ten weeks after gassing in the first round against Hose. I mean, he’s going to make Lance Armstrong look like an overweight one-lunged asthmatic on a chain-smoking jag in Denver…

He may have gassed four rounds too early in his last fight, but Phil “New York Bad Ass” Baroni apparently did well enough to be offered a main card spot against Murilo “Ninja” Rua at EliteXC’s first CBS “Saturday Night Fights” show on May 31st. The older brother of Mauricio “Shogun” Rua, Murilo holds a 15-8-1 career record and was briefly EliteXC’s middleweight champion before losing the belt in his first title defense against Robbie Lawler. Coincidentally, Lawler will also be on the “Saturday Night Fights” card, facing Scott Smith in his first match since the Rua fight; he’d previously been inactive due to injuries. Kimbo Slice is still expected to headline the night against an opponent to be named later.

All we can say to Baroni is “good luck.” It’s not going to be easy to develop a pair of lungs by May, and Ninja definitely has the tools to take him out of his round 1 comfort zone. But his booking suggests that EliteXC is looking to stack their first CBS card with big personalities, and if he can stay on the treadmill until May, he might have a shot. Rua’s been knocked out in the first round before; maybe Baroni could make it happen again…

One of Kharitonov‘s best performances, from PRIDE Total Elimination in April 2004. What was expected to be mainly a grappling match between Sergei and Ninja turned into a wild slugfest, with both fighters throwing leather until Rua’s legs give out at the 1:58 mark. (Also check out Kharitonov’s butter-smooth judo toss at 0:50.) We can’t wait until this dude steps into the ring with Mirko…