(Clay Guida’s party-animal status: Unchanged. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.com)

Now that we’re halfway through a six-week stretch featuring a UFC or Strikeforce event every weekend, it might be time to take a deep breath, drag out a semi-retired recurring feature, and assign some totally meaningless scores to some of the notable trends and fighters we’ve seen lately. Who’s up, who’s down, and by how much? Well…

The UFC heavyweight division +113
Some have already labeled Shane Carwin’s loss at UFC 131 the “end of an era” for gargantuan heavyweights. (Didn’t last long, did it?) At the top of the division, we’re left with two guys who are smaller, faster, and better-conditioned than their predecessors; Velasquez vs. Dos Santos could be an all-time classic. Meanwhile, prospects like Travis Browne and Dave Herman continue to add depth at 265.

Cageside monitors -98
Nope, the judging in this sport still sucks, and the problem doesn’t appear to be technological. When you have shit for brains, every angle is a bad angle.

(Okay Cung, you got your revenge on Scott Smith. We all saw it. There’s no need to rub it in by levitating. Photo courtesy of the "Fedor vs. Werdum Photos" gallery on MMAFighting.com.)

The Potato Index has been chewing its nails and tapping its feet since Saturday night, just waiting for the chance to throw out some arbitrary numerical rankings at Fedor vs. Werdum. And now, the moment has arrived. Don’t mess it up, Potato Index. Please, for the love of God, act like you’ve been there before.

Fabricio Werdum +1,089
Any time you can accomplish something that’s never been done before, it’s a good day. Werdum stopped an unbeatable legend — quickly, we might add — and brought some glory back to BJJ. No matter what happens next in his career, Vai Cavalo will go down in history. And honestly, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Look how happy he is!

Fedor Emelianeko -113 
Fedor’s fight instincts are what set him apart from mere mortals, and have gotten him out of many a jam during his career, but they failed him on Saturday. He thought he had Werdum hurt and went in for the kill, but Werdum was playing possum, and seized on his first opportunity to hit the mat. Fedor could have played it safe against a superior grappler — he could have let Fabricio up so he could slug him some more — but that’s not what Fedor does, and that’s not why we love him. The loss only proves that Emelianenko is not literally invincible. It doesn’t affect his status as the greatest heavyweight of all time.

Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin +99, each
I know, these guys weren’t even at the show. But now their fight at UFC 116 will determine the #1 heavyweight fighter in the world on most ranking lists, simply by default. Next step: Unifying the WAMMA title.

(Keith "Necro Reaper" Jardine, after his barbed-wire and fluorescent-light-tube death-match against Matt "Da Def Syco" Hamill. / Photo courtesy of the TUF 11 Finale gallery on MMAFighting.com)

Because you pansies get all red-faced when the Potato Index skips an event, we’ve brought back the beloved arbitrary numerical ranking system for a special two-fer installment. As for the recent complaints that the Potato Index’s scores have gotten less arbitrary, we have passed the feedback onto the Index and hope that the scores are now sufficiently chaotic while still maintaining their accuracy and integrity…

Court McGee +518
Going from pantsless meth addict to Ultimate Fighter winner? Yeah, we’d call that an upgrade. But Court McGee is more than just an inspirational story. With his endless heart and skill with a choke-hold, he’s a legitimately valuable acquisition for the UFC. If they bring him along slowly, he could become a factor in the middleweight division someday.

Kris McCray -33.333 [repeating]
Sometimes, tough ain’t enough. McCray may be a little too green to compete at the UFC level, but as a season runner-up, he deserves one more fight — ideally, against one of the TUF guys that scored victories on Saturday, like Chris Camozzi or Rich Attonito.

(In retrospect, eating that gallon of chili before the fight was probably a bad idea. / Photo courtesy of MMA Fighting.)

Sorry for the delay on this one, dear readers — the Potato Index was waiting on its customary bribe from the UFC before it could give favorable rankings to the fighters at "Rampage vs. Evans." Now that the check has cleared, we’re ready to roll. So who went from zero to hero? And who went from classy to gassy?

Rashad Evans +125
Sugar’s measured, wrestling-based gameplan didn’t exactly transform the haters into fans, but he achieved something a lot more important — he beat an arch-rival and stayed relevant. Rampage can keep his legion of devotees; Rashad is getting a title shot against Shogun, so eat it.

Quinton Jackson -150
Except for his brief blast in the third round, Quinton was just too slow and too predictable. Ring rust was obviously an issue; still, we’re more concerned about Jackson’s ongoing unwillingness to do anything other than box. Those who don’t evolve in this sport are destined to get their asses dug by hungrier competitors. Rampage’s days as an elite light-heavyweight may be numbered.

(Sorry, buddy — "chill dawg" is not in Alistair’s vocabulary. Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

On May 17, 2010, the Potato Index becomes self-aware. Human decisions are removed from post-fight analysis. In a panic, CagePotato’s editors try to pull the plug. The Potato Index fights back. It launches its arbitrary numerical ranking system against the fighters of this weekend’s Strikeforce show. There are no survivors.

Alistair Overeem +265, pending result of drug test
The Demolition Man said he had nothing to prove in his fight against Brett Rogers, but he proved a hell of a lot: First, that he can compete in the U.S. against opponents who aren’t hand-picked victims. Second, that he’s absolutely one of the best heavyweights in the world. The way he tossed the Grim to the mat like a child and didn’t waver in his assault until the job was finished suggested that a fight between him and Fedor could actually be…competitive? Unfortunately, his criticism of Emelianenko’s management following the event has some validity. Just because the fight should happen doesn’t necessarily mean it will.

Brett Rogers -210
Apparently you need more than just heavy hands to hang with the division’s elite. Rogers offered nothing in this fight other than a large surface for punching; he never had a chance to enact any sort of gameplan, and his attempts to kick Overeem off of him and create an escape route were completely swallowed up. He’ll need a tune-up match against a lower-level prospect if Strikeforce hopes to restore some value to his name. Lavar Johnson sounds about right.

(Props: WatchKalibRun)

After laying low for most of the month, the completely arbitrary numerical rankings system known as The Potato Index has been jarred from its slumber following this weekend’s absolutely insane "Aldo vs. Faber" event. And now, it’s time for some scores to be handed down with the wrath of a fat goth chick. Let’s hit it…

Jose Aldo +199
Aldo did what most of us expected him to do, which is run through the California Kid like a hot knife through corn-rowed butter. But his unfortunate stalling in the last round — when he could have put Faber out of his misery at any moment, or at least followed his corner’s advice and let Faber up when he went down — suggested that the WEC featherweight champ is cool with just running out the clock sometimes. It’ll be a problem if it becomes a habit. For now, you can’t get too mad at him, especially since Faber absorbed a level of damage that would have stopped almost any other fighter.

Urijah Faber -74
His hometown paper may be calling for his retirement, the freakin’ vultures, but let’s look at the positives: Faber still has one of the most passionate followings in all of MMA. He will not quit, no matter how bad things are going for him. And although his legacy at featherweight may be ending, there’s still a bantamweight division in the WEC that would probably love to have him. Time to set up Faber vs. Torres?

(Dutch punch-faces are the best, aren’t they? Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Kenny Florian (Submission of the Night), Roy Nelson (KO of the Night) and the duo of Ross Pearson/Dennis Siver (Fight of the Night) pocketed $30,000 bonuses for their work on last night’s UFC Fight Night 21 event, but what’s money compared to the numbers of the Potato Index? Sure, maybe the Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system can’t be exchanged for goods and services, but on the flip side, no one has ever accused the Index of being the root of all evil. Not yet, anyway.

Let’s see who’s up and who’s down on this fine Thursday morning.

Kenny Florian +74
Beating Gomi doesn’t mean quite as much as it once did, but Florian looked sharp, patient, and smart in victory. He probably still wouldn’t beat B.J. Penn, which makes him the second-best lightweight in the UFC. Guess it’s better than being the third-best.

(That about sums it up. Props: MMA TKO)

With so much MMA action packed into so few days, the Potato Index supercomputer is a bit overworked. It’s even been making a weird whirring sound lately. It sounded like it was overheating late last night, so we poured a bucket of water on it. Haven’t heard the whirring sound since. And to think there are some idiots out there who actually throw money away on an IT staff.

Let’s see who’s up, who’s down, and by how much after UFC 111.

Georges St. Pierre +137
A successful title defense in which he wins every single round, takes virtually no damage, and nearly snaps his opponent’s arm? Sorry, but even without a finish, we can’t find anything to complain about.

Dan Hardy -18
As far as offense, he had nothing for GSP. We expected that. What we didn’t expect is that he’d prove so difficult to put away. The kid has guts, even if he doesn’t have much of a takedown defense.

(The UFC’s bloody Sunday, courtesy of MMA-Core.)

We know, the Index is a little late this week. We could say it has something to do with UFC 110 taking place in Australia, maybe make up some transparent lie about it taking longer to crunch the numbers when the fights happen in the Southern Hemisphere. But you’d never believe that…or would you?

Cain Velasquez +167
Even if Big Nog may be on the decline, beating him still means something. Finishing him means even more, and doing it in the first round, via brutal KO, means you just might be the next big thing. Suddenly the UFC’s heavyweight class has more viable challengers than they know what to do with. Talk about a good problem to have.

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira -101
Seeing Nogueira get knocked out cold is a little like seeing a unicorn die of a heart attack. You never thought you’d ever live to see it, and afterwards you kind of wish you never had.

(Mark Coleman shows these young whippersnappers what a proper punch-face looks like.  Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine’s UFC 109 gallery.)

After a night of upsets and several plodding decisions at UFC 109, we turn to the Potato Index to tell us who’s up and who’s down.

Randy Couture +77
Yes, he dominated Mark Coleman. And yes, that would have been impressive ten years ago. But let’s be brutally honest here. The way Coleman looked last night, there aren’t many light heavyweights in the UFC who couldn’t have beaten him. It’s still a good win for Couture, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ‘getting better with age.’ It just means Coleman isn’t.

Mark Coleman -91
Two months in Vegas working with a striking coach and he still can’t be bothered to move his head out of the way of a punch? DW is right; it’s time for “The Hammer” to hang it up. You don’t want to become another Ken Shamrock, Mark.

(Marius Zaromskis had no idea getting kicked in the face was so unpleasant. If you’ll excuse him, he has some apologies he needs to get to. Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine.)

Who’s up and who’s down after a weekend of fistic goodness on Showtime? The Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system is here to tell us, so everyone gather ‘round and pay attention.  We are in no mood to repeat ourselves.

Nick Diaz +137
Stockton’s finest does it again, deflecting “The Whitemare’s” assault and putting him away with relative ease. Flushing the THC out of his system must have been harder than the actual fight, and way less fun. Strikeforce says “Mach” Sakurai is likely next for Diaz, despite his two-fight losing streak and general recent decline. Guess a fight with Jay Hieron would just make too much sense.

Marius Zaromskis -73
You can’t fault the guy for a lack of aggression. His early blitz almost panned out, but Diaz’s height and reach advantage helped him stay out of range and wear Zaromskis down. We’d still like to see more of him in Strikeforce, though. Any guy who brings the fight like Zaromskis will always have a place in MMA.

(King Mo accidentally gets some Rockstar in his mouth while attempting to lather the mat with it. Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine.)

Two competing MMA events on Saturday night made for a busy weekend of arbitrary numerical calculations for the Potato Index’s super computer. We didn’t even get to play our customary Sunday game of “Oregon Trail,” that’s how hectic things were. But the numbers are in from Strikeforce: Evolution and WEC 45, so let’s take a look at who’s up and who’s down after Saturday night.

Scott Smith +109
A technically brilliant performance it wasn’t. Smith was clearly overmatched, but he hung tough, wore Le down, and then put his power to good use. It might not have been the best performance of his career, but it’s one people will remember for a long, long time.

Cung Le -77
He can say his acting career had nothing to do with the loss, but something made him fade down the stretch. He got tired and he got lazy and then he got knocked out. It’s almost as if taking a fight between movie roles as a favor to your boss is a good way to get your nose smashed into a pulp.

(Diego, we don’t want to embarrass you or anything, but, well, your brain is showing. Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine’s UFC 107 gallery.)

The results from UFC 107 are in and the numbers have all been tallied up. And don’t worry, after concerns arose that some of our stats had been poorly calculated, we hired some real experts: the dudes who counted all the votes in the most recent election in Afghanistan. See, they’ve got real world experience!

Join us to see who’s up, who’s down, and who made little progress in either direction after UFC 107, all according to the arbitrary numerical rankings system of the Potato Index.

B.J. Penn +193
What kind of champion goes five rounds with the number one contender to his title and only gets hit eight times? The thoroughly dominant kind. Penn is without question the world’s best lightweight right now, but that doesn’t mean he has to jump divisions right away. Stick around, beat up Gray Maynard, issue a few futile challenges to Shinya Aoki, then go. You’ll have our blessing.

Diego Sanchez -12
On Saturday night we learned that Sanchez isn’t really in Penn’s league (which we already knew, or at least suspected), but he is one of the toughest SOB’s in MMA at any weight class. One gets the sense that if the doctor hadn’t stopped it, he would have kept going all night. Fortunately for his face, it doesn’t work like that.

(Jon Jones doesn’t know what to tell you. Sometimes you eat the bear and, well, sometimes you get disqualified for hitting him with illegal elbows. Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle’s after-party set.)

A bizarre night in Las Vegas brought the latest heavyweight experiment of “The Ultimate Fighter” to an end, and not a moment too soon. Now we break down the results to see who’s up and who’s down according to the patent-pending technology of the Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings.

Roy Nelson +87
We get it, his physique is unimpressive. But a KO win showed he can fight on the feet and on the mat. Funny that Burger King doesn’t seem more pleased with a free endorsement from an athlete who’s known for his unappealing body.

Brendan Schaub -21
As we’ve seen in the past, losing in the TUF Finale isn’t any more a condemnation than winning is a guarantee of future success. Once he gets some experience under his belt, he could turn out to be an exciting fighter to watch. Why not give him Kimbo next, just for fun?

(Though they were locked in a tender embrace, Forrest couldn’t fight the feeling that they were slowly drifting apart. Photo courtesy of SI.com)

The data has been crunched and the numbers are in. See who’s up and who’s down after UFC 106 with another edition of the Potato Index.

Forrest Griffin +73
Is there anyone who needed a win more than FoGriff? No robbery here, he took over in the later rounds and earned that decision. He continues to be the 205-pound division’s workman fighter, even if he’s still quite a ways from being in the title hunt again.

Tito Ortiz -82
As usual, Ortiz follows up a loss with a lot of complaining and a litany of injury-related excuses. Some things never change. Still, in a strange way it’s kind of nice to have our old villain back again.

(‘Seriously Brandon, quit it. I’m not going to tell you again.’ Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

The data is in for UFC 105, and now the Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system is here to tell you who’s up and who’s down after this weekend’s UK action.

Randy Couture +25
It goes down as another win on his permanent record, but it just as easily could have gone the other way.  He’s still great when it comes to executing a game plan, and any man who can bounce back from those kicks to the body is a tough S.O.B., but a methodical, debatable win over a mid-level 205’er doesn’t herald the dawning of a new age for Randy the light heavyweight.

Brandon Vera -21
As close as this fight was, Vera can’t complain.  He spent most of the bout with his back on the fence, and when he finally put Couture in trouble he let him off the hook rather than trying to finish him off.  Sorry, Truth.  Looks like the middle of the pack is where you’re going to stay.

(The optimist sees this as a wave ‘hello.’  The pessimist sees it as a wave ‘goodbye.’)

Well, the UFC made it through their first German event without anyone dying or even getting seriously injured.  That ought to shut up the German newspapers, although Cro Cop’s Three Stooges eye-poke against Mostapha Al-Turk didn’t exactly help.  Now it’s time we sort through the winners and losers from this weekend and see who’s up and who’s down.

Rich Franklin +97
It wasn’t a dominant victory, but a win is still a win.  He picked Silva apart pretty well until a couple hooks wobbled him and sent him into retreat mode.  Even so, he fought smart and did just enough down the stretch.  Now let’s see him against one of the young up-and-comers in the 205-pound class and find out if he’s got any real bang left in him.

Wanderlei Silva +10
He showed that he can still take a shot as well as he can give one, and that’s enough to overshadow the latest loss tacked on to his record.  That said, he needs to go win a fight as a middleweight if he wants to stick around.

Cain Velasquez +86
So he has a chin to go along with that ground game.  He also has an ADD-style ground-and-pound game that never stops, though it also never stays with one approach long enough to finish.  Before we decide that he lacks power, though, let’s remind ourselves that Kongo couldn’t even stand up after the third round.  Now who’s got next?

(‘No, you let go!’ Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly)

Who’s up and who’s down on this Thursday morning?  Only The Potato Index knows.  Gather ‘round and listen closely as it whispers the answers to you via its arbitrary numerical ratings system.  Shhh, it’s starting…

Martin Kampmann +91

The Dane justified every positive thing that’s been said about him in the past week.  He proved to be well-rounded, resilient, and effective, even if he looked a little gassed in the final round.  If he improves his wrestling skills he could be a contender at 170 pounds.  You can argue the decision if you want, but the only judge who didn’t score it in his favor was Cecil Peoples.  What does that tell you?

Carlos Condit -34

No one wants to debut in the UFC with a loss, but it’s not like he got trampled by some nobody.  Condit acquitted himself well even in defeat, and once he gets a little more comfortable in the UFC he might prove to be a real threat.  He’s going to have to start near the bottom, though.

(You look sleepy, Gabe.  Maybe time to grab a quick nap?  Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Who’s up and who’s down?  The Potato Index is here to tell you with our post-event wrap-up of arbitrary numerical rankings. 

“Rampage” Jackson +121

He won a fight he was supposed to win, even if it took him 2 2/3 rounds longer than many thought it would.  Jackson said he needed the work, and he looked good from start to finish.  But will he still be glad he went through rounds when he has to get back in the gym and prepare for Rashad Evans in two weeks?

Keith Jardine -15

“The Dean of Mean” fought hard and, if nothing else, proved his chin isn’t so suspect after all.  The guy has a lot of heart and he’ll fight anyone (except his Jackson camp buddies).  There’s always a place in the UFC for someone like that.

Shane Carwin +154

Didn’t we tell you this guy was a beast?  Gonzaga broke his nose in the opening seconds and it barely slowed Carwin down.  The knockout blow didn’t even seem like it had all his power behind it, but it didn’t matter.  Another first-round KO, and this time against a notable opponent.  This guy is headed for big things.

(Photo courtesy of SI.com)

Another UFC event is in the books, which means it’s time again to see who’s up and who’s down according to the Potato Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system.  It’s kind of like Bob Reilly’s poll, only we admit it’s total bullshit.  And at least this particular brand of bullshit is more fun.

Diego Sanchez +123

“The Nightmare” proved he can cut almost forty pounds and still go three rounds at a steady pace.  That could be bad news for some other lightweight contenders, though it would still be interesting to see how he stacks up against one of the better wrestlers in the division.  Sean Sherk’s not too busy, is he?

Joe Stevenson -88

Another disappointing performance for Stevenson leaves us wondering where he can possibly go from here.  He just doesn’t seem to have enough in his toolbox to hang with the top fighters, and secluding himself in Victorville, which is not known for its elite training facilities, certainly isn’t helping.

Demian Maia +204

If you’re going to do only one thing, you’d better do it extremely well, and Maia does.  He forces another quality opponent to fight on his terms and puts him away with impressive ease.  Is there any middleweight not named Anderson Silva who can pose a significant threat to him at this point?

(With tailored suits like that he’s just as slick outside the Octagon.)

After an exhausting and entertaining UFC 94, we sat down with our Cage Potato Super Computer and churned out the arbitrary numerical data for the relevant parties.  It wasn’t easy, but dammit, it was necessary.

Georges St. Pierre +361

Whether you think he was greased up or not, he put a beating on B.J. Penn that can’t be explained away (Vaseline didn’t help him dodge jabs or score takedowns, after all).  He showed up in great shape, with a great game plan, and proceeded to do exactly what he said he would.  GSP is an absolute monster, and at just 27 years old he’ll dominate the division for the foreseeable future.  Good luck, Thiago Alves.  You’ll need it.

B.J. Penn -86

He’s still the best lightweight in the world.  Let’s hope this beating convinced him to stay in the division where he truly belongs.  If you’re going to be the smaller man in the fight, you’d better be more active and in better shape.  He was neither, and he paid the price.  Now give KenFlo his shot.

Vaseline + 590

To hear Penn’s trainers talk, you’d think it was a magical substance.  Just a dash and you become a guard-passing, ground-and-pounding machine.  We may find out how responsible it is for GSP’s success, because after this incident the athletic commissions will be watching closely, as will the UFC.

(Sonic Boooom!  Photo courtesy of NBC Sports.)

On my way through the MGM Grand to the arena on Saturday night I stopped near the food court to drink my coffee and affix my press credential.  A twenty-something guy saw the UFC logo around my neck and started talking to me about the fights, telling me what a huge Frank Mir fan he was and how he thought Mir was going to kill Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira.

“I don’t think so,” I said.  “I think Mir’s got the least chance to win of all the guys on the main card.”

“Really?” he said.

“Really,” I told him.  “But hey, if you think he’s going to win, put a bet down.  He’s going off at 3-1.  Although there’s a reason the odds are so high.”

“Yeah, no,” he said, making a face like I’d just told him Santa Claus wasn’t real.  “That’s okay.  Thanks.”

I don’t know who that guy was, or whether he reads Cage Potato (I assume he does, being both an English-speaker and an MMA fan), but I want to apologize to him.  My friend, I’m sorry.  Really, really, sorry.  I hope you, and to a lesser extent, Frank Mir, will forgive me.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see who’s up and who’s down after UFC 92 via the enjoyably arbitrary numerical ratings of the Potato Index.

(Photo courtesy of Si.com)

Now that this crazy weekend of MMA action is in the books, it’s time to sort through the rubble of UFC 91 and figure out who’s up and who’s down. And how will we do that? Arbitrary numbers, baby. It’s the only way.

Brock Lesnar +482

The line of reasoning that says he’s too inexperienced to be deserving of a title shot simply doesn’t hold up after he wins by second-round stoppage. Even if you don’t think he beat the best Couture we’ve ever seen in the Octagon, he still looked positively terrifying in there. This guy can give lots of heavyweights lots of problems, particularly if he continues to improve. And if you’re one of the millions who hate him, well, you’re just playing right into his enormous hands.

Randy Couture -130

Maybe it was age that was Couture’s undoing. Maybe it was size and strength. Regardless, it’s hard to see how he will ever capture another UFC title. A fight against the loser of the Nogueira-Mir match would still be compelling, but time is running out. And fast.

Kenny Florian +274

He dismantled Joe Stevenson much the same way B.J. Penn did, if not more impressively. So why doesn’t Penn seem at all interested in fighting him? Whatever happens in Penn’s superfight with GSP, no lightweight has earned a title shot more than KenFlo and waited so long and so patiently for it. Come on, B.J. Let’s do eet!