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Tag: Potato Index

The Potato Index: UFC 164 and ‘Fight Night 28: Teixeira vs. Bader’


(“We’re not angry with you, Ryan. We’re just disappointed.” Photo via Getty.)

Since ReX was finally able to unearth the Potato Index Supercomputer from his “Rave Cave” last week — which, FYI, is just a storage bin packed to the brim with CP t-shirts, used glowsticks, regifted blenders and vintage German porno mags — we figured we might as well continue running with this outdated piece of technology for the sake of nostalgia. For CagePotato readers, if anything, are a nostalgic bunch. Stubbornly trapped in the past and all but refusing to accept change you might even go as far as to say, but I digress. In any case, here are the numbers the CP Supercomputer was able to churn out based on the results of UFC 164 and Fight Night 28.

Anthony Pettis +108 

Two promotions. Two title fights. Two clear cut victories. Not only did Pettis earn an eternal place in Ben Henderson’s nightmares with one kick during their first encounter, but now he done went and submitted him inside of 5 minutes in their second. Lock up your daughters, lock up your wife, lock up your back door and run for your life. “Showtime” is back in town and he don’t mess around.

Bendo -47

Shit happens when you start talking about beating Anderson Silva’s title defense record with 0 finishes in 7 UFC fights. We don’t mean to kick a classy guy like “Smooth” while he’s down, so for now we’ll just say that it doesn’t look like he’ll be getting another crack at the new champ anytime soon. It’s called the Koscheck Rule of Twos.

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The Potato Index: UFC 131, TUF 13 Finale, and UFC 130 Edition

Clay Guida pool party MMA photos girls bikini
(Clay Guida’s party-animal status: Unchanged. Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle.com)

Now that we’re halfway through a six-week stretch featuring a UFC or Strikeforce event every weekend, it might be time to take a deep breath, drag out a semi-retired recurring feature, and assign some totally meaningless scores to some of the notable trends and fighters we’ve seen lately. Who’s up, who’s down, and by how much? Well…

The UFC heavyweight division +113
Some have already labeled Shane Carwin’s loss at UFC 131 the “end of an era” for gargantuan heavyweights. (Didn’t last long, did it?) At the top of the division, we’re left with two guys who are smaller, faster, and better-conditioned than their predecessors; Velasquez vs. Dos Santos could be an all-time classic. Meanwhile, prospects like Travis Browne and Dave Herman continue to add depth at 265.

Cageside monitors -98
Nope, the judging in this sport still sucks, and the problem doesn’t appear to be technological. When you have shit for brains, every angle is a bad angle.

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The Potato Index — ‘Strikeforce: Fedor vs. Werdum’ Edition

Cung Le Scott Smith Strikeforce
(Okay Cung, you got your revenge on Scott Smith. We all saw it. There’s no need to rub it in by levitating. Photo courtesy of the "Fedor vs. Werdum Photos" gallery on MMAFighting.com.)

The Potato Index has been chewing its nails and tapping its feet since Saturday night, just waiting for the chance to throw out some arbitrary numerical rankings at Fedor vs. Werdum. And now, the moment has arrived. Don’t mess it up, Potato Index. Please, for the love of God, act like you’ve been there before.

Fabricio Werdum +1,089
Any time you can accomplish something that’s never been done before, it’s a good day. Werdum stopped an unbeatable legend — quickly, we might add — and brought some glory back to BJJ. No matter what happens next in his career, Vai Cavalo will go down in history. And honestly, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Look how happy he is!

Fedor Emelianeko -113 
Fedor’s fight instincts are what set him apart from mere mortals, and have gotten him out of many a jam during his career, but they failed him on Saturday. He thought he had Werdum hurt and went in for the kill, but Werdum was playing possum, and seized on his first opportunity to hit the mat. Fedor could have played it safe against a superior grappler — he could have let Fabricio up so he could slug him some more — but that’s not what Fedor does, and that’s not why we love him. The loss only proves that Emelianenko is not literally invincible. It doesn’t affect his status as the greatest heavyweight of all time.

Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin +99, each
I know, these guys weren’t even at the show. But now their fight at UFC 116 will determine the #1 heavyweight fighter in the world on most ranking lists, simply by default. Next step: Unifying the WAMMA title.

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The Potato Index: TUF 11 Finale + WEC 49

Keith Jardine TUF 11 Finale UFC Matt Hamill cuts blood
(Keith "Necro Reaper" Jardine, after his barbed-wire and fluorescent-light-tube death-match against Matt "Da Def Syco" Hamill. / Photo courtesy of the TUF 11 Finale gallery on MMAFighting.com)

Because you pansies get all red-faced when the Potato Index skips an event, we’ve brought back the beloved arbitrary numerical ranking system for a special two-fer installment. As for the recent complaints that the Potato Index’s scores have gotten less arbitrary, we have passed the feedback onto the Index and hope that the scores are now sufficiently chaotic while still maintaining their accuracy and integrity…

Court McGee +518
Going from pantsless meth addict to Ultimate Fighter winner? Yeah, we’d call that an upgrade. But Court McGee is more than just an inspirational story. With his endless heart and skill with a choke-hold, he’s a legitimately valuable acquisition for the UFC. If they bring him along slowly, he could become a factor in the middleweight division someday.

Kris McCray -33.333 [repeating]
Sometimes, tough ain’t enough. McCray may be a little too green to compete at the UFC level, but as a season runner-up, he deserves one more fight — ideally, against one of the TUF guys that scored victories on Saturday, like Chris Camozzi or Rich Attonito.

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The Potato Index: UFC 114 Edition

Mike Russow Todd Duffee UFC 114
(In retrospect, eating that gallon of chili before the fight was probably a bad idea. / Photo courtesy of MMA Fighting.)

Sorry for the delay on this one, dear readers — the Potato Index was waiting on its customary bribe from the UFC before it could give favorable rankings to the fighters at "Rampage vs. Evans." Now that the check has cleared, we’re ready to roll. So who went from zero to hero? And who went from classy to gassy?

Rashad Evans +125
Sugar’s measured, wrestling-based gameplan didn’t exactly transform the haters into fans, but he achieved something a lot more important — he beat an arch-rival and stayed relevant. Rampage can keep his legion of devotees; Rashad is getting a title shot against Shogun, so eat it.

Quinton Jackson -150
Except for his brief blast in the third round, Quinton was just too slow and too predictable. Ring rust was obviously an issue; still, we’re more concerned about Jackson’s ongoing unwillingness to do anything other than box. Those who don’t evolve in this sport are destined to get their asses dug by hungrier competitors. Rampage’s days as an elite light-heavyweight may be numbered.

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The Potato Index — ‘Strikeforce: Heavy Artillery’

Alistair Overeem Brett Rogers Strikeforce Heavy Artillery
(Sorry, buddy — "chill dawg" is not in Alistair’s vocabulary. Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

On May 17, 2010, the Potato Index becomes self-aware. Human decisions are removed from post-fight analysis. In a panic, CagePotato’s editors try to pull the plug. The Potato Index fights back. It launches its arbitrary numerical ranking system against the fighters of this weekend’s Strikeforce show. There are no survivors.

Alistair Overeem +265, pending result of drug test
The Demolition Man said he had nothing to prove in his fight against Brett Rogers, but he proved a hell of a lot: First, that he can compete in the U.S. against opponents who aren’t hand-picked victims. Second, that he’s absolutely one of the best heavyweights in the world. The way he tossed the Grim to the mat like a child and didn’t waver in his assault until the job was finished suggested that a fight between him and Fedor could actually be…competitive? Unfortunately, his criticism of Emelianenko’s management following the event has some validity. Just because the fight should happen doesn’t necessarily mean it will.

Brett Rogers -210
Apparently you need more than just heavy hands to hang with the division’s elite. Rogers offered nothing in this fight other than a large surface for punching; he never had a chance to enact any sort of gameplan, and his attempts to kick Overeem off of him and create an escape route were completely swallowed up. He’ll need a tune-up match against a lower-level prospect if Strikeforce hopes to restore some value to his name. Lavar Johnson sounds about right.

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The Potato Index: ‘Aldo vs. Faber’

Jose Aldo MMA WEC Jurassic Park raptor
(Props: WatchKalibRun)

After laying low for most of the month, the completely arbitrary numerical rankings system known as The Potato Index has been jarred from its slumber following this weekend’s absolutely insane "Aldo vs. Faber" event. And now, it’s time for some scores to be handed down with the wrath of a fat goth chick. Let’s hit it…

Jose Aldo +199
Aldo did what most of us expected him to do, which is run through the California Kid like a hot knife through corn-rowed butter. But his unfortunate stalling in the last round — when he could have put Faber out of his misery at any moment, or at least followed his corner’s advice and let Faber up when he went down — suggested that the WEC featherweight champ is cool with just running out the clock sometimes. It’ll be a problem if it becomes a habit. For now, you can’t get too mad at him, especially since Faber absorbed a level of damage that would have stopped almost any other fighter.

Urijah Faber -74
His hometown paper may be calling for his retirement, the freakin’ vultures, but let’s look at the positives: Faber still has one of the most passionate followings in all of MMA. He will not quit, no matter how bad things are going for him. And although his legacy at featherweight may be ending, there’s still a bantamweight division in the WEC that would probably love to have him. Time to set up Faber vs. Torres?

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The Potato Index: UFC Fight Night 21 Aftermath


(Dutch punch-faces are the best, aren’t they? Photo courtesy of UFC.com)

Kenny Florian (Submission of the Night), Roy Nelson (KO of the Night) and the duo of Ross Pearson/Dennis Siver (Fight of the Night) pocketed $30,000 bonuses for their work on last night’s UFC Fight Night 21 event, but what’s money compared to the numbers of the Potato Index? Sure, maybe the Index’s arbitrary numerical rankings system can’t be exchanged for goods and services, but on the flip side, no one has ever accused the Index of being the root of all evil. Not yet, anyway.

Let’s see who’s up and who’s down on this fine Thursday morning.

Kenny Florian +74
Beating Gomi doesn’t mean quite as much as it once did, but Florian looked sharp, patient, and smart in victory. He probably still wouldn’t beat B.J. Penn, which makes him the second-best lightweight in the UFC. Guess it’s better than being the third-best.

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The Potato Index: UFC 111 Aftermath


(That about sums it up. Props: MMA TKO)

With so much MMA action packed into so few days, the Potato Index supercomputer is a bit overworked. It’s even been making a weird whirring sound lately. It sounded like it was overheating late last night, so we poured a bucket of water on it. Haven’t heard the whirring sound since. And to think there are some idiots out there who actually throw money away on an IT staff.

Let’s see who’s up, who’s down, and by how much after UFC 111.

Georges St. Pierre +137
A successful title defense in which he wins every single round, takes virtually no damage, and nearly snaps his opponent’s arm? Sorry, but even without a finish, we can’t find anything to complain about.

Dan Hardy -18
As far as offense, he had nothing for GSP. We expected that. What we didn’t expect is that he’d prove so difficult to put away. The kid has guts, even if he doesn’t have much of a takedown defense.

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The Potato Index: UFC 110 Aftermath


(The UFC’s bloody Sunday, courtesy of MMA-Core.)

We know, the Index is a little late this week. We could say it has something to do with UFC 110 taking place in Australia, maybe make up some transparent lie about it taking longer to crunch the numbers when the fights happen in the Southern Hemisphere. But you’d never believe that…or would you?

Cain Velasquez +167
Even if Big Nog may be on the decline, beating him still means something. Finishing him means even more, and doing it in the first round, via brutal KO, means you just might be the next big thing. Suddenly the UFC’s heavyweight class has more viable challengers than they know what to do with. Talk about a good problem to have.

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira -101
Seeing Nogueira get knocked out cold is a little like seeing a unicorn die of a heart attack. You never thought you’d ever live to see it, and afterwards you kind of wish you never had.

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