(“I swear to God, you guys, I had an injury THIS BIG.” Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

It’s weird to think about, but the fallout from Stephan Bonnar’s second post-fight steroid bust at UFC 153 has almost been completely washed over by the MMA community. Although his one-year suspension was obviously negated by the fact that he retired from the sport shortly thereafter, even UFC President Dana White — who has been in Bonnar’s corner ever since his legendary fight with Forrest Griffin at the TUF 1 Finale – has all but refused to comment on the situation.

And as for Bonnar? Well, the normally outspoken light heavyweight has been similarly silent — likely due in part to the birth of his son — since exiting the UFC on such terrible terms. Until now, that is.

For the first time since the fight itself, Bonnar addressed the factors that led him to get popped for Drostanolone following UFC 153 during an interview on The MMA Hour (Author’s note: WHAT ABOUT US, STEPHAN?). Although Stephan took full responsibility for his actions, his reasoning for why he fell back on the juice yet again didn’t exactly absolve him of all guilt (via MMAFighting):

…after being shelved for months and being advised to retire by UFC president Dana White, he had given up hope of closing out his career with a major fight…But then, out of the blue, the semi-retired fighter got the phone call he never thought was coming. After about 10 months without a fight, he was being asked to compete against the the sport’s pound-for-pound king, Anderson Silva.

Believe it or not, there are some therapeutic uses to some of the banned substances,” he said. “Bottom line, I wanted to get my strength back. I was very weak. My body didn’t feel good, my joints didn’t feel good. That was my goal.

Poor Stephan; the dude spent upwards of seven years fighting for the UFC and never realized that there was a completely legal way to deal with the aging process.

More from the interview after the jump. 

We’ve got a special treat for you today, Taters – not one but two dope short video documentaries that take us behind the scenes of some of the biggest recent MMA events. UFC President Dana White has released his latest vlog (above) to promote this Saturday’s event in Macao.

The vlog has footage from last month’s UFC in Minneapolis as well as the UFC in Rio and has some compelling stuff, showing Yves Edwards waiting painstakingly backstage to hear if he would get to fight the incarcerated Jeremy Stephens or not. It also shows him getting the bad news broken to him by White personally.

The footage from the Rio event shows Anderson Silva warming up by doing crazy spinning kicks back stage as well as Stephan Bonnar during intense moments of contemplation as he warmed up for perhaps the last time of his roided storied career.

Behind the scenes footage of the World Series of Fighting‘s inaugural event is after the jump.

(Unfortunately for him, Bonnar’s sad puppy face failed to inspire any sympathy.) 

Not that it really matters given his retirement from the sport and all, but according to the UFC’s VP of regulatory affairs, Marc Ratner, the verdict has already been turned in for Stephan Bonnar, who pissed hot after his UFC 153 loss to Anderson Silva. “The American Psycho” will receive a one year suspension as a result of his positive test for Drostanolone. But again, being that Bonnar pulled a Richard Nixon and got the fuck out of office — thereby negating the weight of all possible punishments — we’re sure he won’t be planning on putting up much of a fight. The fact that he has yet to even make a statement regarding his test further solidifies this theory.

But here’s where things get interesting.

Also according to Ratner, the punishment in the case of Dave Herman‘s second failed test for marijuana will not only be a suspension of “months,” but could require him to enter a rehab facility as well.

(If this man does not strike you as the kind of person who spends most of his free time getting stoned, playing Xbox, and waxing poetic about the flaws of Jiu-Jitsu, then we don’t know who does.) 

When we first heard word that Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman failed their UFC 153 drug tests — for Drostanolone and Marijuana respectively — we couldn’t help but reflect on the timeless words of George W. Bush when he stated, “Fool me once…..shame on………..shame on you. Fool me, I can’t get fooled again.” Unfortunately for Bonnar and Herman, they failed to fool the piss test even once while in the UFC (at least to our knowledge) and have felt the unforgiving wrath of the Interwebs as a result of their insolence. Hearts were broken. Tears were shed. Butts were hurt.

And in an effort to gauge their fellow fighters feelings on the issue, FightHubTv recently interviewed such fighters as Travis Browne, Eddie Alvarez, and Tyrone Spong to get some perspective on the issue. Also, Rampage Jackson threw in his two cents and actually managed to do so without turning the interview into another “Dear Diary” entry aimed at the UFC. Good for him.

Video after the jump. 

(…but damn, did he look good doing it.)

As first reported by MMAJunkie, Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman both tested positive for banned substances in their UFC 153 post-fight drug screenings. With no athletic commission in place in Brazil, the UFC independently tested all 24 fighters who competed at the October 13th card at Rio de Janeiro’s HSBC Arena — and unfortunately nailed a pair of repeat offenders.

Bonnar, who announced his retirement from MMA earlier this week, tested positive for the anabolic steroid Drostanolone following his TKO loss to Anderson Silva in UFC 153′s main event. It is the second steroid bust for Bonnar, who was suspended for nine months after popping positive for Boldenone in 2006. Now that Bonnar is retired from the sport, a suspension won’t be much of a punishment, though it certainly puts a black mark on the end of a crowd-pleasing career inside the Octagon. (Conspiracy theory time: Bonnar knew he’d be retiring after the Silva fight, and he simply didn’t give a fuck.)

As for the one they call Pee Wee…

(Bonnar has clearly yet to inform the little guy of the rules regarding small joint manipulation in MMA, but we’ll give him a pass for now.) 

I don’t mean to get all transcendent on you Taters, but to me, life is little more than a cyclical series of events; with death comes birth, with loss comes acquisition, and so on. And before you ask, yes, I take all of my philosophical life lessons from The Lion King. So it only makes sense that just a day after we bid farewell to one of MMA’s greatest ambassadors in Stephan Bonnar — professionally at least — we should welcome Stephan’s newborn son into the world.

Stephan released this photo on his Twitter account yesterday, along with the caption: “Just wanted to welcome in my MINI ME to this world…right in time to wish ya’ll a Happy Holloween!”

(Godspeed, you strange, beautiful warrior. / Photo via Heavy)

His gritty decision loss to Forrest Griffin at the first TUF Finale helped turn the UFC’s fortunes around, and his most recent fight against Anderson Silva saved UFC 153 from possible extinction. The American Psycho shed his blood for the good of the sport, and now he’s gone.

It was confirmed yesterday that Stephan Bonnar will be retiring from MMA following an 11-year career, including a 15-fight stretch in the UFC where he went 8-7. It’s likely that he’ll be remembered more for his defeats than his victories — besides the aforementioned losses to Griffin and Silva, Bonnar also has the dubious honor of being an early victim of Lyoto Machida, a member of Jon Jones’s spinning-back-elbow highlight reel, and the last person to be defeated by Mark Coleman (ouch).

Still, it was a joy to watch him compete, and when he won, it was a triumph. I know it sounds cliched and pandering to talk about “heart,” “warrior spirit,” and “never-say-die attitude” when you’re discussing a fighter who was never able to come near a title belt, but in Bonnar’s case, those terms genuinely apply. He was one of the good guys, and his generosity with fans even extended to two-bit MMA blogs like ours.

CagePotato.com would like to wish Stephan Bonnar the best of luck on his future endeavors, and thank him for the years of entertainment he’s given us in the UFC. Please share your favorite Stephan Bonnar moment in the comments section, and check out the full video of Bonnar vs. Griffin 1 after the jump.

(We’re sorry, Stephan, but unless those things are actual guns, you’re getting your ass kicked tonight.) 

In the days leading up to UFC 153, many of you (and by you, we mean the entire MMA Interwebz) had some less than favorable things to say about the pairing of Stephan Bonnar and Anderson Silva. As if the bookies hadn’t told us all we needed to know, the general consensus among fans seemed to be the evening’s main event was a “travesty, a sham, and a mockery” that “blasphemed the great sport of MMA” and was a “completely meaningless squash match” whose “insulting pairing” would be reflected in “the abysmal pay-per-view numbers it receives.” And those were the favorable comments.

But for every fifteen of you complaining, there were apparently five or more of you who were forced to stifle your true excitement over this matchup like a pedo at a tee-ball game, because if the early numbers are any indication, squash matches featuring unstoppable killing machines are the new superfights. According to several reports, the pay-per-view numbers for UFC 153 are in the range of 340,00 to 410,000 buys. These numbers not only exceeded expectation, but are not that far below September’s squash match of the month featuring Jon Jones and Vitor Belfort, which managed to clear over 450,000 buys despite having those little guys that no one cares about fighting in the night’s co-main event.

Props: mmafanmade.tumblr.com

By George Shunick

If there’s a word that sums up UFC 153, it’s got to be “wow”. Anderson Silva gave another performance indicating that we do indeed live in the Matrix. Jon Fitch was in the most exciting fight of the night, and one of the best of the year. Big Nog submitted a man impervious to jiu-jitsu. Demian Maia choked/neck-cranked a man so hard he had a mini-hemorrhage and blood spurted out of his nose. And perhaps most impressive of all, Wagner Prado actually stopped a hat thief.

The bottom line is UFC 153 was an amazing card that delivered from top to bottom. Could it have been better if it had Frankie Edgar square off against Jose Aldo? Probably. But I’ll take another transcendental show from Anderson Silva any day of the week. And that’s exactly what his fight with Stephan Bonnar was. After a slip, Bonnar pressed Silva into the cage, presumably looking to wear the smaller fighter down. Silva wasn’t having any of it, offering a few knees, shoulder shrugs and nothing else. Bonnar backed away and then things got weird. Silva remained on the fence, hands down, encouraging Bonnar to hit him.

Now, I know Stephan Bonnar isn’t the world’s greatest striker. He’s never shown serious knockout power, and his technique has never been the best. But he’s still a 230 pound man who’s spent the majority of his adult life learning how to hurt people. He’s a professional fighter. And for about 4 minutes and 40 seconds last night, those facts didn’t amount to jack shit. Silva dodged, deflected or simply absorbed Bonnar’s offense for about two minutes, demonstrating what a black belt in Tae Kwon Do is worth against a man who seems to know what you’re going to do before you do. Then, Silva decided to end the fight. He tripped Bonnar, established some separation, and then connected with a debilitating, pin-point knee to the solar plexus. Bonnar – who had never been stopped with strikes before – collapsed and waited for the end to come. Mercifully, it did.

(How about dropping to your knees and begging for a swift death? Would that work? / Photo via MMAFighting.com)

The matchup between UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva and light-heavyweight non-champion Stephan Bonnar has been called everything from a “fun fight,” to a mother’s worst nightmare. Tonight at the HSBC Center in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, we’re going to find out what this weird freak show will actually look like. Our only prediction is that Griffin Bonnar‘s first image of his father will be a bruised and lumpy one.

Luckily, there are plenty of far-more-legitimate matches on the UFC 153 main card, including Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Dave Herman, Erick Silva vs. Jon Fitch, and Glover Teixiera vs. Fabio Maldonado. And as with previous shows in Brazil, the local fans will make sure that the show is just as entertaining outside of the cage.

Round-by-round results from the UFC 153 pay-per-view broadcast will be stacking up after the jump beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT, courtesy of CagePotato liveblogger-supreme Anthony Gannon. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and be sure to tell us how you feel in the comments section. Thanks for stopping by.

(If only the fight were held under West Coast Pose-Down rules, Bonnar would actually have a chance. / Photo via MMAFighting.com, click for full-size image.)

- Cops: Jeremy Stephens’ Alleged Victim Beaten Unconscious, Stopped Breathing Twice (MMAFighting)

- UFC 153: Bonnar vs. Silva, Tex Cobb vs. Larry Holmes and Courage Through Standing in Front of a Locomotive (BloodyElbow)

- Erick Silva Talks Twilight Series, Fighting Jon Fitch (HeavyMMA)

- Jon Fitch: Getting Title Shots Is A ‘Popularity Contest’ (Fightline)

- VADA Offers Drug Testing for TUF Finale Main Event, Carwin’s Camp Says That’s News to Them (MMAWeekly)

- Bellator 76′s Rad Martinez Out to Prove He’s no ‘Charity Case’ (MMAJunkie)

- Emily Ratajkowski Gets Saucy with Sara Underwood in Carl’s Jr Ad (MensFitness)

- 30 Hilarious Animal Photobombs (Complex)

- The Ultimate Faceplants Compilation (WorldWideInterweb)

- Chefs of Anarchy: New York’s Best Fries (MadeMan)

- Christopher Walken Reads “Honey Boo Boo” (ScreenJunkies)

- Russian Soldiers Flee Exploding Ammunition Stockpiles (EgoTV)

- B*tch, Get Off My Bus: Uppercut Edition (WorldStar, Baby)

(It was at the UFC 153 pre-fight press conference that Stephan Bonnar revealed his true gameplan to defeat Anderson: G.T.L.) 

All the fighters for tomorrow night’s UFC 153 event are scheduled to hit the scales starting at 3 p.m. EST this afternoon from the HSBC Arena in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, so make sure to swing by the Tater to check out all the intense, barely-clothed staredowns you could ever ask for. Did that come off as gay? Because we didn’t mean for it to come off as gay; not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Anyway, a string of injuries (go figure) and a good old fashioned case of hepatitis have dramatically altered the face of UFC 153, leaving us with a main event matchup that, when viewed through an incredibly narrow and skewed lens, is almost plausible. So swing by this afternoon to see whether or not Stephan Bonnar will piss himself after he realizes just how big of a mistake he has actually made, whether or not Anderson Silva will come dressed as a Jabbawockee again, and whether or not the Brazilian audience will still be donning their “I fucked Chael Sonnen Last Night” t-shirts. Also, be sure to swing by tomorrow at 10 p.m. EST for our official liveblog of all the action!

(Props: YouTube.com/UFC)

Anderson Silva, Stephan Bonnar, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Dave Herman, Fabio Maldonado, and Glover Teixeira were in attendance for the UFC 153 press conference in Rio earlier today, fielding questions from a multi-national conglomerate of media professionals. The full video is above, though as you can imagine, there’s a lot of translation involved. Short version: The UFC wants to host a stadium show in Brazil next year, Anderson Silva is seriously not interested in facing Jon Jones, and Dave Herman has pretty much signed his own death warrant by insulting jiu-jitsu before a fight against Big Nog. Bonnar looks pretty chill, considering the circumstances.

Be sure to swing by CagePotato.com Saturday night beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT for our liveblog of the UFC 153 main card!

(Well, at least the poster is as half-assed as the main event.) 

By Dan “Get Off Me” George

I’ll be honest, when I first heard of the new main event for UFC 153, I thought we were all the victims of some intricate ruse on the UFC’s part. Surely the head honchos at Zuffa didn’t consider a “fun” squash match on the level of Joe Lauzon vs Jens Pulver to be the best possible option for a country that was recently denied the biggest fight of all time, right? But I guess when an injury curse on the level of 2012′s hits, you do what you can to simply stay afloat, and in that sense the UFC has succeeded.

Luckily for us, the UFC has also succeeded in putting together a card that provides plenty of opportunities to prosper from a wagering perspective as well. This time around, I will attempt to follow the lead of Jared “Money Bags” Jones, who provided both the gift and the curse for UFC on FX 5: Browne vs. Silva with his parlay picks, so follow me as I highlight a few names on the preliminary cards for Facebook and FX and breakdowns of all fights on the PPV portion of UFC 153. All betting odds come courtesy of BestFightOdds.

Facebook + FX prelims

Reza Madadi stands out in the two FB fights; Sweden has been hot in the octagon lately and I think “Mad Dog” (not Anthony Macias) at around -200 has the right combination of size and all around ground advantage to deal with Marcello’s submissions game and win his second straight UFC fight.

Gleison Tibau hovering around -160 should be able to stifle fellow Brazilian Francisco Drinaldo and find a way back into the UFC win column after dropping a hard fought loss to Khabib Nurmagomedov at UFC 148. Tibau has fought solid competition throughout his lengthy UFC career and I do not think Francisco has the right tools to win this fight. An underdog that may be worth a look is Renee Forte at around +200 against Sergio Moraes, who dropped a unanimous decision last time out due in part to his in-ring demeanor, which did not seem to go over well with the judges.

(It’s pretty obvious who takes the “Cooler Hairstyle” category.)

It’s time for some real talk, Potato Nation. Stephan Bonnar is booking a one-way train ticket to Painsville Station on Saturday night and Anderson Silva is the conductor. I know it, you know it, the bookies know it, and your mom knows it (I asked her last night. Say hi to her for me, alright?). Matter of fact, if “The American Psycho” is simply able to come away from the fight in the same state of matter he began it in, everyone watching will unquestionably declare his performance a win for America, the UFC, and perhaps even the Caucasian race.

But this fight is about more than who’s accomplished what or who holds what title or who may or may not have lost to a decrepit Mark Coleman. There are several x-factors at play here, and when we decided to match up Stephan Bonnar and Anderson Silva for one of our infamous head to head sessions, the results might surprise you. Let’s get started.

AGE
Bonnar: 35
Silva: 37
Advantage: Bonnar

SIZE
Bonnar: 6’3″, walks around at roughly 235 lbs, 80 inch reach
Silva: 6’2″, walks around at roughly 215 lbs, 77.5 inch reach
Advantage: Bonnar

(Does this look like the face of a man who is going to lose?…Probably. / Photo courtesy of Francis Specker)

By Josh Hutchinson

Well Potato Heads, we are staring down the barrel of what would on paper seem like another absurd mismatch for a PPV main event. (Speaking of which, is it just me or does it seem like freak show fights are making a comeback?) Now I could sit here and try to persuade you that this is a legitimate match-up, Stephan Bonnar totally has a chance, Anderson Silva’s heart is not in it, or some equally stupid defense as to why this fight needs to happen, but I like all of you far too much to insult your intelligence like that. For Christ’s sake, even the UFC’s official promo videos for UFC 153 are split between joking that Bonnar has no chance and not showing Bonnar at all, if that tells you anything. So instead I’m going to take a hypothetical look at what could happen if The American Psycho manages to pull off the unbelievable. Because let’s be honest, if it happens, the fallout will be of nuclear proportions. For instance…

Stephen Bonnar, The New Face of Burger King

Should Bonnar prevail, his stock will rise exponentially with sponsors. A miraculous victory over Silva would have Nike, Burger King, and many others reconsidering the amount of support and money that they have thrown at The Spider. At the same time, it would then be easy to spin Bonnar as a legend killer — and therefore a legend himself — and he can be sure to expect a few more 0’s on his future paychecks. To this point, BK has kept their Anderson commercials in Brazil, since American audiences apparently wouldn’t be able to handle a cage-fighting burger pitchman. Bonnar, with his good-guy-everyman image, could break through that wall. New commercial concept: Bonnar and Forrest Griffin get into a furious Stacker-eating contest that leaves both men exhausted, and the other restaurant patrons howling for a rematch.

Anderson Silva pulls a Gina Carano

(I’m sorry, Kryszszytoff, but I’m not going to promise a name to my child when I can neither spell nor pronounce it.)

Let’s be real, when we brought back the comment of the week last Friday, you were all pretty much fighting for the right to play second fiddle to Seth’s “less a writer, more a philosophizer” comment describing the benefits of loving oneself as a coping mechanism. Unfortunately for Seth, as soon as one of us signs our CagePotato contract, we are immediately excluded from winning any prizes of any kind, be it a simple comment contest or an MMA Journalist of the Year award, which is clearly why not one of us have ever been so much as nominated in the category.

But we had to pick a winner eventually, so head after the jump to see which one of you will be receiving a gold medal for coming in second place…

(Oh Michael, I just miss the days of one UFC event a month is all.) 

As BG previously lamented, it’s been kind of a depressing week in MMA news (or in his case, year). Stefan Struve tearfully discussed his father’s recent cancer diagnosis, there was a slew of firings, a once great show continued it’s downward spiral into irrelevance, and the injury curse of 2012 made sure to pop in and remind us that it was still around.

But it is always darkest before the dawn, Potato Nation. So sayeth Two-Face.

Because through all of the depressing doom and gloom reporting we brought you guys this week, you kept your heads up. You stood tall and proud. Hell, you even had the intestinal fortitude to mock others’ misfortune like we taught you to. So with our faith restored, we are proud to bring back the Comment of the Week today so at least one of you can be rewarded for your ruthless, blackened souls.

Listed after the jump are the comments that gave us some much needed laughs this week, along with a poll for you to vote on your favorite. The winner will receive one of our classic “We Pull No Punches” shirts, but make sure to submit your designs for our next t-shirt contest, as we plan on giving a bunch away in the near future.

And the nominees are…

(What’s more interesting to you — Donald Cerrone‘s wakeboarding career, or Tracy Lee‘s chest? / Video via AlienwareChannel)

- Stephan Bonnar Feels He Can ‘Shock the World’ at UFC 153 (MMAFighting)

- EXCLUSIVE: UFC On Fuel 5 Fight Night Photo Gallery (HeavyMMA)

- Anderson Silva Won’t Stay at Light-Heavyweight, Doesn’t Want to Fight Jon Jones (Fightline)

- Whatever the lady on the left is doing, I want her job. (Facebook.com/CagePotato)

- Ronda Rousey Won’t Fight at 145 Due to Trust Issues With Drug Testing (BloodyElbow)

- Dana White Opens Up About His Only Regret — His Offensive Tirade From 2009 (MMAWeekly)

- MMA: Inside the Cage 114: “Faber Stifles the Count” (MMA:ITC)

- 30 Minutes to 3-D Shoulders (MensFitness)

- Beef of the Day: Mitt Romney vs. LeVar Burton (Complex)

- The 50 Weirdest Engagement Portraits Of All Time (WorldWideInterweb)

- Chefs of Anarchy Episode 1: Pig’s Head Dumplings (MadeMan)

- 69 Depraved Frank Reynolds GIFs (ScreenJunkies)

- 25 Stunning Photos of Planes Flying Past the Moon (EgoTV)

(Well, at least he’ll be really funny!) 

It’s no understatement to say that the fight between Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar at the TUF 1 Finale basically saved the sport of MMA from those damned dirty machines. What machines are we referring to? These machines. But as you all know, our ambitiously misguided Skynet overlords have continued forward in their quest to replace man on the top of the food chain nonetheless. Lucky for us, the universe is about give birth to the John Connor that will eventually save the sport of MMA, nay, the world, from the cold, lifeless grip of the cyborgs. And by “universe” we mean Stephan Bonnar’s wife, Andrea, and by John Connor we mean Griffin Bonnar, a name so coincidentally similar slash awesome that only this man could have come up with it.

Yahoo! Sports has the details:

UFC fighter Stephan Bonnar will become a first-time father sometime in October. Bonnar and his wife, Andrea, haven’t decided definitively upon a name for their unborn son, but one name they’ve kicked around is Griffin. As in, Griffin Bonnar.

Read More ADD COMMENTS (15) DIGG THIS

I just watched the first official trailer for UFC 153: Silva vs. Bonnar and I’m stoked, Nation. Not because the brief montage of fight film, music and narration fooled me into thinking that Stephan Bonnar somehow isn’t a gigantic underdog against Anderson Silva, but rather because the trailer is so honest about his chances and what we’re likely to see. It’s a nice change of pace.

Check it out above and see what I mean. After injuries jacked up UFC 153′s main event twice as well as the originally scheduled co-main, the UFC did the best they could by getting the world’s best fighter on the card and throwing a fearless, aggressive, entertaining fighter at him. The trailer serves as a reflection of this, as it basically tell fans, “Look, Anderson Silva is probably going to knock Bonnar out and we all know whenever ‘The Spider’ does that it’s hella exciting. But if somehow that doesn’t happen, and Bonnar wins, well that would be as big of an upset as we’ve ever seen, and dang, wouldn’t that be exciting, too? Please watch us. It’s been a rough year.”

(Too. Damn. Talented.)

By: Jason Moles

I’m sure there are more important things to talk about just days away from Jones-Henderson Jones-Sonnen Jones-Machida Jones-Belfort than another gimmicky post attempting to be relevant, but it’s been a while since we gave away CagePotato T-Shirts and we love you guys so much that we’ve decided to do it again. Here’s how it’s going to go down. Below is a list of 25 fighters and a brave attempt to describe them in three words. Not two, not four, just three simple words. Pretty easy, right? Read through them, then tweet us @CagePotatoMMA with your own three-word MMA fighter descriptions, including the hashtag #MMAFighterIn3Words. The three best submissions by tomorrow at 5 p.m. ET will win a shirt. (We’ll update this post with the winners after we select them.) Now let’s begin, shall we?

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson: Exit stage left.

Alexander “The Mauler” Gustafsson: Seeking next level.

Jon “Bones” Jones: If Healthy, Undefeated.*

Diego “The Dream” Sanchez: Starting over again.

Leonard Garcia: God help him.

Matt Hughes: Slayer of beasts.

(Step 1: Fake heart attack to lower Anderson’s guard. Step 2: ?????? Step 3: SCORE GREATEST UPSET OF ALL TIME.) 

Admit it: When the new headliner for UFC 153 was first announced, not one of you thought Stephan Bonnar stood a chance of beating Anderson Silva, and you probably still don’t. If you happen to be a bookie, you probably equate the likelihood of Bonnar defeating Silva to that of Bob Sapp defeating adult onset vaginitis.

Well, my friends, prepare to have your minds blown, because Bonnar’s camp just released a video that lays out in intricate detail his plans to dethrone (figuratively speaking) the untouchable legacy of “The Spider” once and for all. We’re not saying it is foolproof, but we are saying that it has no discernible flaws whatsoever and Silva is a dead man.

Video after the jump. 

(“ERMAHGERD. WERST GERMBLING ERDS ERVER”)

Since the Anderson Silva vs. Stephan Bonnar replacement main event at UFC 153 was announced, I’ve been waiting patiently to see what kind of absurd betting line would be tied to this fight, and the oddsmakers didn’t disappoint. As MMAWeekly informs us, Silva has just opened as a -1350 (!) favorite, compared to Stephan Bonnar’s +850 underdog line. Gambling n00b translation: A $1,350 bet on Anderson would net you just a $100 profit if he wins, while a $100 bet on Bonnar would pay off $850 in profit if he does the unthinkable. And if you’re trying to decide which guy to put money on, I can confidently say that either bet would be stupid as fuck.

That -1350 line represents the most lopsided odds for an Anderson Silva fight ever, and even surpasses the -1300 opening line that was given to Jon Jones against Vitor Belfort. In general, once the gambling line passes -1000 for the favorite, it’s a pretty clear sign that the fight is a dangerous squash match that shouldn’t have been booked in the first place. (Example: Cris Cyborg‘s -2000 opening line over Jan Finney, a fight that turned out to be exactly as competitive as we thought it would.)

(“The Burger King Triple Stacker — I don’t jump up to light-heavyweight on short notice without it.”)

After UFC 153 lost its main event and co-main event in the same day, UFC matchmakers needed to get creative if they wanted to avoid another financially devastating event-cancellation. And by God, they’ve gotten creative. USA Today has just confirmed that Anderson Silva will now be headlining the October 13th event in Rio de Janeiro, in a light-heavyweight feature against…Stephan, freakin’, Bonnar. Allow that delicious insanity to sink in for just a moment. Alright, let’s continue.

The report follows an earlier story broken by MMAFighting, which confirmed that Frankie Edgar has been removed from the event altogether. So if you chose “other” in today’s poll, award yourself five PotatoBux.

This will be the third light-heavyweight UFC appearance for Silva, who previously scored brilliant knockouts against 205′ers James Irvin (in July 2008) and Forrest Griffin (in August 2009). Bonnar, who is currently riding a three-fight win streak, has been vocal in recent months about his desire to get at least one more big fight before he exits the sport — remember his campaign for a TUF coaching gig against Griffin? — and sort of retired in July due to his frustration that another marquee matchup wasn’t materializing. Well, Bonnar’s got his big fish, for better or for worse. And if he lasts more than one round against the Spider, he’ll do better than any UFC light-heavyweight before him.

(Thanks to tufentertainment.net for the fitting logo.)

By Nathan Smith

With the recent announcement that Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin have been named as the coaches for the next installment of The Ultimate Fighter series, the MMA universe immediately launched into a full-blow orgasmic ticker-tape parade complete with tons of flying confetti and a marching band belting out death metal tunes. Once I heard the news, it was as if my life instantaneously turned into a beer commercial and the entire Potato Nation was invited. There was a rad pool-party, barbeque, a plethora of hotties, endless alcohol, and an overall quest for fun.

Well . . . . . actually, none of that happened. In fact, when word spread that Nelson and Carwin would helm the next season of TUF, it was officially filed under “WTF?” Judging from the comment section, most of the CP brethren didn’t care for the choices either. TUF is coming off a season that saw the ratings dip lower than they ever had, which could partially be blamed on the move to FX and the dreaded Friday night time slot. Regardless of the variables for the ratings drop, something drastic needs to be done, but is anybody really convinced that Carwin and Nelson are the answer to TUF’s slow and painful demise? Let’s start from the beginning and take a look back to see if this runaway train can be coaxed back onto the main rail.

The Season That Started it All 

The inaugural season of TUF featured future Hall of Famers Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture as the competing coaches who would go mano y mano at the PPV after the season finale. For fans of the UFC, that was good enough for most to initially tune in for the Fertitta-funded experiment. It still remains the best crop of young talent and personalities to ever grace the show; future stars like Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Josh Koscheck, Chris Leben, Diego Sanchez, Mike Swick, Kenny Florian, and Nate Quarry were all complete unknowns vying for stardom in a fledgling sport. You mix in the whole “fatherless bastard” angle and the show was off and running even before the awe-inspiring climax between (pre TRT) FoGrif and The American Psycho. Even before that, we were treated to the greatest speech of all time that has since been condensed into a few words. “Do you wanna be a fighter?” Though there were other memorable moments from the seasons that followed, Zuffa should have quit while they were ahead because it would never be this good again. The unrefined personification of immature talent, undeniable aspirations and gonzo-sized balls oozed from the boob tube during every episode.

(What?! You mean no more of this?! This isn’t happening. THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!!!) 

For those of you who didn’t have the patience, the cable package, or the right list of websites to steal last night’s UFC on FUEL event from, we are sorry to inform you that you missed out on one hell of a show. James Te Huna and Joey Beltran set the UFC record for most significant strikes landed within a three round light heavyweight affair at 206, unfortunately giving us cancer in the process. Te Huna also set a record for most significant strikes landed in one round by a light heavyweight with 71 in the first. In the main event, Chris Weidman made Mark Munoz look like Houston Alexander on the mat*, holding him to zero significant strikes en route to a beautiful standing elbow KO in the second round ala Steve Bosse vs, you guessed it, Houston Alexander. Apparently under the belief that Weidman had covered his gloves in smelling salts, referee Josh Rosenthal allowed the New Yorker to land about a dozen or more unnecessary shots to a clearly unconscious and exponentially bleeding Munoz, causing this writer to scream at his television in honest to God horror for the first time in recent memory. As is usually the case with a free card, last night contained its fair share of ups and downs.

But perhaps the most disorienting moment of the night (aside from the few seconds I thought we had seen the last of Mark Munoz) came during the post-fight show, which featured Jay Glazer, Chael Sonnen, and CagePotato contributor/future UFC HOFer Stephan Bonnar. When the three finally calmed down and Sonnen had finished stroking Weidman’s ego with the fervor of a Taiwanese transsexual prostitute, Ariel Helwani was able to snag a short interview with UFC bossman Dana White. After White announced the coaches for The Ultimate Fighter: Billy no-mates vs. Banana Benders, Helwani proceeded to ask about the futures of the fighters that sat just a few feet behind him.

White declared that “He hadn’t even talked to Chael yet” and that “Only [Chael] knows what he wants to do,” but the real bombshell was dropped when White was asked about Bonnar. After skewering, then roasting Bonnar’s dreams of coaching the next season of The Ultimate Fighter opposite Forrest Griffin over an open flame, White claimed that the last time he and “The American Psycho” spoke, Bonnar was considering retirement.

What followed was a heartfelt, if not mildly confusing speech by Bonnar that more or less confirmed this.

(For his final masterpiece, Michelangelo decided to pay tribute to the Biblical hero’s fall from grace through the medium of hamstone. The results were shocking, yet delicious.)

As is likely the case for most of you, we here at CagePotato are more than willing to admit that we all but completely missed out on the failed experiment that was TUF Live. The placement of the show on Friday nights, the rehashed trash-talk and pranks between coaches; it just seemed all too played out and tired to really get us hooked. The fact that Dominick Cruz tore his ACL with only a couple episodes to go only furthered our belief that the season would have been a complete loss if not for the uplifting story of the season’s lightweight winner, Don Cheadle (or something like that).

So when Dana White informed USA TODAY Sports yesterday that the coaches for this season would be polar opposite heavyweights Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin, it more than piqued our interest. Aside from being the winner of the show’s tenth (and arguably least talent filled) season, TUF: Heavyweights, Nelson is by all accounts, one entertaining and funny sumbitch. Carwin, on the other hand, has shown before that he is up for a good joshing as long as it is not aimed at him. If you recall, the last time we got on Carwin’s bad side, Old Dad packed up his things, fled, faked his death, died his eyebrows, and attended his own funeral as a man named Phil Schiffley. The last we heard, he was still reporting on all things MMA from a one man vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean out of fear that “The Engineer” was still looking for him. So clearly, the potential for hilarity between these two on the set is higher than Nelson’s cholesterol levels.

(Best frenemies forever.)

Through the majority of their parallel UFC careers, Stephan Bonnar has played second-banana to Forrest Griffin. The relationship started with Griffin’s career-launching win over Bonnar in their classic brawl at the first Ultimate Fighter finale in 2005; a rematch the following year resulted in the American Psycho going home with another decision loss and a steroid suspension. While Griffin was winning the UFC light-heavyweight title in 2008, Bonnar was on the sidelines due to injuries, and though Griffin occasionally ate a humiliating loss, Bonnar’s losses were even more embarrassing.

But lately, the two men have begun to shift trajectories. A not-quite-motivated Griffin suffered an ugly knockout against Mauricio Rua in Brazil last year, and is now booked in a relatively needless trilogy fight against Tito Ortiz in July. With Forrest in a holding pattern, Bonnar is now riding a three-fight win streak, with W’s over Krzysztof Soszynski, Igor Pokrajac, and Kyle Kingsbury. In other words, Griffin might be heading down the mountain, while Bonnar is somehow reaching another peak in his career — which makes it an ideal time for the two rivals to meet one last time, perhaps at the end of an Ultimate Fighter gig that would bring their lives full circle. At least, that’s how Bonnar sees it. Here’s what he told MMAJunkie Radio:

Battle Of The Ages – Watch More Funny Videos
(Props: Wargo205 via ProMMANow)

It doesn’t matter how fancy things get at the top of the sport — MMA’s regional scene is still a chaotic mess where literally anything can happen. Case in point: At Fire Extreme Fighting’s show at the Kankakee Fair Grounds in Illinois on Saturday night, a 53-year-old spectator named Tim was asked if he’d come in as a replacement for a fighter who had dropped out at the last minute. Being in fair shape for his age, and open to new experiences, Tim agreed, and found himself staring down a 21-year-old opponent just an hour later.

You can check out the video above. When the dust settles on this one-round slobberknocker, Tim has won by TKO and we find out that the enthusiastic camera-person is none other than Stephan Bonnar. “You’re my hero! That was awesome!” Bonnar tells Tim, who’s a little too winded to walk us through the replay.

As for the 21-year-old who was left unconscious in a planked position? Details on him are scarce, but it’s very likely he didn’t get laid that night.