“On This Day in MMA History” pays tribute to some of the more bizarre and infamous news stories of MMA’s past. The following article was originally published on May 15th, 2008, five years ago today.

Carina Damm Proves That Steroid Controversies Aren’t Just For Men Anymore

It’s almost always a good thing to be the first woman to do something. That’s because usually, if a woman hasn’t done that thing yet, it means that it’s either really hard or men have been real jerks about it and kept women out like ten-year-olds with a clubhouse. Well, Brazilian Carina Damm just etched her name in the record books by becoming the first female MMA figher to test positive for steroids. That is not the clubhouse you want to be hanging out in. Not unless you love powerlifting and back acne.

Sherdog reported today that Damm tested positive for Nandrolone (that’s right, the same thing Sean Sherk tested positive for) after her April 3 victory over Sophie Bagherdai at Femme Fatale Fighting 4 in Los Angeles. This news comes at a particularly bad time for Damm, since she was recently signed to take on Debi Purcell on an Elite XC card on June 27. Purcell seemed annoyed, though not surprised by the news.

“It was obvious she was doing it [steroids], but I was just going to out-cardio and out-muscle her anyways. I’ve been lifting for my whole life, everyday for I don’t know how many years. People have accused me of doing steroids because I have muscles, which isn’t fair. But you can’t go have a normal body and two months later be huge.”

(Image via Esther Lin/MMAFighting.com)

UFC heavyweight Lavar Johnson — who directly inspired our “Will You Be Fired…” flowchart by not getting fired following his UFC 157 loss to Brendan Schaub — caught a bit of bad news yesterday. The California State Athletic Commission revealed (via MMAJunkie) that Johnson’s post-fight drug test at the February 23rd event was flagged for elevated levels of testosterone. A follow-up carbon isotope ratio test “confirmed the testosterone was consistent with the administration of a steroid.”

No word yet on what that steroid was specifically or how high his T-levels were, but damn Lavar, you in troubllllllle. A suspension and fine are likely imminent, and the failed test could eliminate the good-will that Johnson has built up with his employers by always coming to bang.

It’s also noteworthy that Johnson’s drug test involved a carbon isotope ratio test, which “examines the atomic make-up of testosterone in the urine to determine if it is natural or synthetic.” The UFC has drawn some criticism in the past for not using this effective method of catching cheaters. Is the promotion about to get tougher in its anti-doping efforts? And could this be related to Dana White’s recent vow to “test the [expletive]” out of TRT abusers? We’ll update you when we know more…

(No Wolf Tickets)

Nick Diaz put on a wonderful show at yesterday’s UFC 158 pre-event press conference. He called Georges St. Pierre a whiny, phony, ‘roided up point-fighter but then basically shrugged his shoulders when asked if he would pass his own drug test Saturday.

In case he was too vague in his accusations of St. Pierre, Diaz clarified and expanded while on the Tim and Sid radio show shortly after the presser. In addition to his allegations of St. Pierre, Diaz decided to throw his employer under the bus as well.

It all started with Nick saying that he believes the UFC wants him to lose to St. Pierre Saturday night. “I would imagine that they do,” he laughed.

As for St. Pierre, Diaz confirmed that the champion was indeed the strong steroids guy that he alluded to during the presser. “I believe that he’s on plenty of steroids,” Diaz casually said before implicating Canadian and UFC officials.

(Seen here: Something Thiago Silva has not been able to honestly do since 2009.) 

If you thought Matt Riddle was just blowing smoke up our asses when he criticized the subjectivity of the UFC’s hiring/firing policy on The MMA Hour a couple days ago, look no further than Thiago Silva for proof that he wasn’t. The Brazilian slugger has not only failed two drug tests in his past three bouts, once for using synthetic animal urine in an attempt to fool his post-fight test at UFC 125 and once for marijuana metabolites at UFC on FUEL 6 last November, but has gone 0-2 in the bouts he actually managed to show up clean for. Combine that with the fact that he nearly costs as much to show as that “super fucking expensive” Jon Fitch and you’ll be left wondering how someone so incompetent still holds a job in the sport’s highest promotion. Our guess: DW and friends really appreciate the fact that — on the off-chance Silva isn’t trying to cheat the system or cheapen the value of a win — the dude brings it. 

Whatever the case, Silva will be given what we can only assume is his final, final chance at UFC 162, where he will meet fellow piss test savant Rafael Cavalcante.

(“Why yes, Dana, the blonde gentleman in the lower left *is* my doctor. What of it?”)

The Sam and Diane relationship between Josh Barnett and the UFC continues to forge ahead, Potato Nation. Fortunately, we have more than an outdated UFC.com profile to go with this time. During the media scrum following the UFC 158 press conference earlier today, Dana White was questioned by MMAMania about the likelihood of seeing “The Warmaster” back in the octagon, and the UFC President was surprisingly optimistic:

I have not (spoken with Barnett). It’s probably going to happen.

There you have it; absolute and undeniable proof that Barnett is back, baby. And here you thought we were just tugging your respective dicks this whole time. Shame on you.

Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:

(“Yeah, well you tested positive for gingervitis, so suck it.” Props: Tracy Lee/Cagewriter)

When Jake Shields tested positive for having a banned substance in his system during his UFC 150 fight against Ed Herman last August, we assumed that the no-no substance was of the weed variety. Given some of his training partners and friends, it made perfect sense.

Here’s the thing: The sanctioning body of that fight, the Colorado Boxing Commission, never specified which banned substance Shields tested positive for. But Herman, who Shields beat by decision before the fight was changed to a No Contest, isn’t buying the marijuana story.

“I think Colorado is one of the HIPAA privacy states where they weren’t allowed to release what he tested positive for. I’m pretty sure it was for some type of performance enhancing substance, just by looking at his physique going in to the fight,” Herman told Bloody Elbow recently.

A lil Mary Jane to relax before fighting another trained professional is one thing, according to Herman, because, you know, all the cool kids do it. But “Short Fuse” is coming right out and accusing Shields of being more ‘roid monkey than stoner kid in an apparent effort to discredit him.

“He looked pretty puffed up and exhibited the common signs. As an athlete, you can recognize those signs. I can’t guarantee it, but I’m pretty positive that it was for some kind of performance enhancing drug. If it really was for marijuana, it’s a lot easier for a guy to come right out and say, ‘I smoked a joint, sorry,’” Herman continued to narc.

In addition to being one of the least decision-prone fighters to ever grace the Octagon, James Irvin is also notorious for being the unluckiest bastard in the history of the sport. From poorly-timed injuries and ill-advised weight cuts to chemical misadventures and freak accidents, the Sandman has suffered through enough hardships to fill the careers of ten journeymen. So with the help of our friends at Havoc Store, we put together an illustrated timeline of the most unfortunate moments in Irvin’s MMA career, which you can check out after the jump.

Enjoy, share it with your friends, and show some love to Havoc Store by visiting their blog or following them on Facebook. And James? You have our sympathy, dude.

(Cris Cyborg: The Madonna of MMA. / Photo via Strikeforce)

With women’s 135-pound champion Ronda Rousey and former 145-pound champ Cris Cyborg still split on which weight they would meet at for their fantasyland matchup, Cyborg has pulled the old “doctor’s note” move. Members of the Cyborg camp told MMAWeekly yesterday that the dynamic Brazilian striker — who is still serving out her one-year steroid suspension — met with her doctors recently, and was informed that a cut to 135 pounds wouldn’t be safe:

Her cardiologist stated emphatically that he would not sign off on a move down a weight class based on her current health. The dangers to her body could also prohibit Santos from carrying a child later in life, and according to her camp, that was a risk the former Strikeforce champion was unwilling to make for any fight. Santos’ walking around weight currently hovers around 160lbs and the 25lb cut would just be too much for her body according to her doctors.

I mean…Cyborg looks like she could probably cut 10 pounds in excess back-muscle alone, but hey, I’m no doctor — I’m only a humble Female Body Inspector. In response, Rousey’s manager Darin Harvey pointed out the obvious:

(“All natural, bro. No steroids. No testosterone. I’ve never hired a nutritionist. I’ve never bought hair conditioner. I ate my dog‘s food once, but it was an accident.” Photo via MMAWeekly)

Unlike some people we know, UFC heavyweights Shane Carwin and Roy Nelson are training without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. According to Nevada State Athletic Commission Executive Director Keith Kizer (via MMAMania), Carwin and Nelson have both tested negative for steroids and diuretics, after being tapped for random testing last month.

Currently babysitting the worst Ultimate Fighter cast of all time, Carwin and Nelson are slated to face off at the surprisingly stacked TUF 16 Finale card on December 15th. Neither fighter has ever failed a drug test in their professional MMA career, though Carwin’s name was previously linked to an illegal steroids ring based in Mobile, Alabama. His manager, Jason Genet, recently gave a full explanation of how that happened, which seems reasonable enough, although that part about Carwin hanging out with Ron Waterman and ripping phone books in half is a little odd, to say the least.

(…but damn, did he look good doing it.)

As first reported by MMAJunkie, Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman both tested positive for banned substances in their UFC 153 post-fight drug screenings. With no athletic commission in place in Brazil, the UFC independently tested all 24 fighters who competed at the October 13th card at Rio de Janeiro’s HSBC Arena — and unfortunately nailed a pair of repeat offenders.

Bonnar, who announced his retirement from MMA earlier this week, tested positive for the anabolic steroid Drostanolone following his TKO loss to Anderson Silva in UFC 153′s main event. It is the second steroid bust for Bonnar, who was suspended for nine months after popping positive for Boldenone in 2006. Now that Bonnar is retired from the sport, a suspension won’t be much of a punishment, though it certainly puts a black mark on the end of a crowd-pleasing career inside the Octagon. (Conspiracy theory time: Bonnar knew he’d be retiring after the Silva fight, and he simply didn’t give a fuck.)

As for the one they call Pee Wee…

The Jose Canseco have the big lady boobs and the lil mouse balls.

There’s something to be said about a drug addict who chooses to make money by exploiting his struggles with addiction, all while enabling the addictions of other people. I’m not sure if there are proper words for it, but utterly tragic, pathetic and thoroughly reprehensible are probably good places to start. Case in point: Jose Canseco, who has been dangerously addicted to anabolic steroids in the past (and possibly still is), now dedicates his time to encouraging both current and potential steroid users through a series of videos on Steroid.com. If you’re surprised by any of this, I envy your ignorance.

Oh, and he makes his glorious man boobies dance. Did I mention that part yet? Because that happens.

Back to business though. This week, Canseco touches on the topic of which steroids are “the most awesome steroids,” which obviously are the ones that make your tits bounce, n00b. Naturally, Canseco addresses former teammates who decided not to use steroids in the unfortunately typical words of an addict who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions:

As a baseball player, if you didn’t take steroids you were just a pussy. You were just not part of the team at that time. You weren’t really trying to win. You weren’t doing everything possible to become the best baseball player out there and help your team win. It was like a sacrifice in a way, you really had to do everything possible to help your team win.

Like a true champion, Junior Dos Santos has found an all-natural way to shrink his testicles. (Photo: paperlenses.wordpress.com)

Between irresponsible TRT use and baseless speculation concerning the recent injury epidemic, the use of performance enhancing drugs in MMA has cast the sport in a rather negative light of late. So it’s a breath of fresh air to have a fighter not only come out against PED use, but to express a willingness to take part in more comprehensive drug tests. And it’s even better when that fighter is the current UFC heavyweight champion. In a recent press conference, Junior Dos Santos stated that he advocated random blood testing for his future fights for both himself and his opponents.

“I am champion and never have used anything, and I am proud to say that. It is unfair to use substances. With or without authorization, it makes a difference. A fighter who can do this kind of treatment is not himself in the octagon and using tricks to improve [his] performance.”

This is significant for three reasons. First, because Junior Dos Santos said it. It’s unlikely that Dana White will read this and retort “I would rather watch flys [sic] fuck,” as he did when Ben Askren accused White of not doing enough to prevent the use of PEDs. If your heavyweight champion wants something, especially when that something will contribute to the legitimacy of your sport, you’d do well to accommodate him.

More on the need for increased testing after the jump…

(If it weren’t for Lou Ferrigno, Phil would’ve never had to deal with this MMA drug testing bullshit.) 

Phil Baroni has never been afraid to speak his mind. Whether he’s dishing on pre-fight abstinence, the fragility of his own mind, or childhood obesity, “The New York Bad Ass” never pulls any punches, and in fact it’s one of the many reasons we love the guy. So perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that, during a recent interview with Fight Sport Asia, Baroni not only came out as a proponent of steroid use in MMA, but more or less admitted that most of his PRIDE cohorts were probably juiced during the Japanese promotion’s heyday. Here’s what he told the publication:

I want to see the best fighters, I want to see who is the strongest the best! Guys should be able to do whatever it takes to be the strongest. Getting choked and kicked in the head is really bad for you, worse than pot , TRT, or steroids. I don’t care who’s the cleanest, I wanna’ see the strongest, the fastest and the most gnarly fighters. I don’t want to see who is the best at passing drug test. Overeem isn’t the only guy taking shit, he just got caught. I wanna’ see the baddest mother fuckers going at it. That’s why PRIDE was the best — I wanna see a 205 (ripped) Wanderlei Silva kill dudes!

Most of you will not likely find this revelation to be all that surprising considering, you know, the above photo of Baroni. It does, however, seem a little inconsistent of Baroni to be advocating a substance that he has vehemently denied using in the past, despite testing positive for Boldenone and Stanozolol Metabolites in the aftermath of his second round submission loss to Frank Shamrock back in 2007. Unfortunately for guys like Baroni and Alistair Overeem, the various athletic commissions regulating the sport don’t seem to agree, as Baroni was suspended for six months for his infraction. And we all know what fate Alistair was sentenced to.

At this point, everything that Jon Jones has to say about his rivalry with Rashad Evans has been said (and said, and said). But with less than a week remaining until their looooong-awaited showdown, we wanted to get a better sense of Bones’s mindset heading into his third light-heavyweight belt-defense at UFC 145. CagePotato video-correspondent Sal Mora spent a few minutes with the champ at his Jackson’s MMA homebase in Albuquerque for an exclusive fight-week interview that you can watch after the jump. Some highlights…

- On the possibility of a reconciliation with Evans after the fight: ”I honestly don’t know what will go on after the fight, but I really don’t have any interest in becoming friends with Rashad again. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to do a job.”

- On moving to heavyweight: “I did ask Dana White, ‘Can I get a fight at heavyweight at the end of this year?’ and he told me that he didn’t think that was best for me right now. I’m totally okay with where I’m at and competing at the light-heavyweight division. I think there’s a lot of great competition left…I’m sure guys like Lyoto [Machida] are gonna be coming back around for their rematches too, so everything’s going according to plan.”

(Well, this would explain Popeye’s bacne.)

In the wake of Alistair Overeem‘s tragically botched drug test, MMAJunkie.com medical columnist Dr. Johnny Benjamin delved into those mysterious T:E ratios, and underscored the argument for year-round random testing. Here’s what the doc said:

Testosterone (T) is the naturally occurring male hormone produced primarily in the testes. Epitestosterone (E) is an inactive form of testosterone that may serve as a storage substance or precursor that gets converted to active T.

Most men have a ratio of T to E of 1:1, which means normal men have equal amounts of T and E in their blood. There is some normal ethnic and time of day variation in the normal T/E ratio (as low as 0.7:1 and as high as 1.3:1).

Statistics reveal that a ratio of up to 3.7:1 will capture 95 percent of all normal men, and a ratio of up to 5:1 will capture greater than 99 percent of all men. That’s why the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) allows up to 4:1 (so its test is at least 95 percent accurate) and the Nevada State Athletic Commission, the NCAA and some others allow up to 6:1 (for 99 percent accuracy). The whole goal is to not label someone a cheater when he or she isn’t. (Very, very rarely, some people are just freakishly high, but they have a ratio of less than 6:1).

(Overeem, pictured next to a normal-sized human being for comparison.)

File this under “HOLY F*CKING SH*T.”

Nevada State Athletic Commission executive director Keith Kizer has confirmed to CagePotato.com that Alistair Overeem‘s testosterone/epitestosterone ratio registered at 14:1 in his recent failed drug test. Assuming you’re not an expert endocrinologist, we’ll let MMAFighting.com put that number into perspective:

The average male produces a T/E ratio around 1:1. The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) uses a 4:1 standard for positive tests, and NSAC uses 6:1 as its cutoff, a number used by WADA up until 2006…Overeem’s number is slightly lower than that of Chael Sonnen when he was caught with an elevated level in 2010. Sonnen, who lost to Anderson Silva the day after the test was taken, produced a sample with a 16.9:1 ratio.

(It’s always the ones you least suspect. / Photo via MMAFighting)

By Elias Cepeda

As we reported nearly one week ago, six heavyweights on the UFC 146 card were surprise-tested for drugs in Nevada after a press conference in Las Vegas. Today, Nevada State Athletic Commission Director Keith Kizer told CagePotato through a written statement that while five of those fighters passed their tests, number one heavyweight title contender Alistair Overeem (who was slated to fight Junior Dos Santos on the May card) did not:

“The following athletes were tested on March 27:  Alistair Overeem, Junior dos Santos, Frank Mir, Cain Velasquez, Roy Nelson and Antonio Silva.  All test results were negative, except Mr. Overeem tested positive for an increased T/E ratio (> 10).  Mr. Overeem will need to appear before the Commission if he seeks licensure,” Kizer’s statement reads.

Overeem was granted a conditional license to compete in Nevada at the end of the year after missing deadlines for testing. As a part of that conditional license, he was subject to additional surprise drug screenings like the one administered last week.

(Props: youtube.com/fueltv)

Chael Sonnen is back with more surreal statements in his latest Chael’s Corner segment for Fuel’s UFC Tonight. Here a sampling of Sonnen’s sincere and deep thoughts:

“Fighters have recently seen it as their quasi-job to continually put out misinformation.”

Recently? Naw that’s nothing new, Chael. Fighters have never had a problem, say, screaming in pain and tapping out to a submission, and then claiming that they did not. Heck, some guys have even gone on pr campaigns questioning the professionalism of refs who save fighters who ask for fights to be stopped. Maybe it doesn’t count as misinformation if the obvious truth is caught on live national television.

“[Some fighters] just refuse to answer a question, head on.”

True. Like, for example, answering questions with non-sequitor quotes ripped off from western movies and pro wrestling promos.

“There’s a tremendous difference between what fighters say vs. what fighters mean.”

(See, Gabrielle was right. Dreams CAN come true.)

If you started to give up hope that you would ever stand a chance of marrying a female MMA fighter since Miesha Tate and Ronda Rousey are taken and Gina is probably banging busy doing press tours with the cast of Haywire, your Monday is about to get a whole lot better.

Cristiane Santos announced via UOL today that she and her husband Evangelista been living single since December and it sounds like the chances of a reconciliation are about as slim as the odds of testing positive for steroids from a tainted supplement.

(“This? This is Crystal Pepsi. I saved a case from when I was a kid.”)

Muhammed “King Mo” Lawal was on the MMA Hour with Ariel Helwani today and he (sort of) came clean about what the cause of his positive drug test was.

According to Lawal, he was taking a supplement called “S-Mass,” which contains the active ingredient 4-Chloro-17a-Methyl-a-andro4-ene3 – a methylated form of the steroid he tested positive for following his win over Lorenz Larkin earlier this month at the Strikeforce: Rockhold vs. Jardine event in Las Vegas.

The supplement, which was also sold by other companies under the names “Superdrol” and “Halodrol-50″ among others,  is well known in bodybuilding circles as a “designer steroid” as it tok a while for the government to realize what the compound was. The problem is, the supplement isn’t readily available in your typical GNC, so either Mo had some lying around the house since it was pulled from the shelves a five years ago following an FDA ban, or he ordered the pills from a shady internet site that sells banned supplements. Either that or the supplement was simply an excuse that was a step up from saying, “Yeah, I took steroids, but I screwed up my cycle and got caught.” The difference is, taking the latter approach wouldn’t allow you to barter for a lesser suspension like ignorance does.

Damn it! Why can’t any of MY supplements be tainted?!?

Well, that didn’t take long. Less than 24-hours after Cris Santos was fined and suspended by the California State Athletic Commission for failing her post-fight steroid test at “Strikeforce: Melendez vs Masvidal”, the now former Strikeforce women’s 145lb Champion has released a statement.

There are many hands a fighter can play after failing a PED test. There’s the ‘Bullshit Laboratory” defense, the “Recovering from an Injury” excuse, the “Poor Self Image” defense, and the increasingly popular “Deficient Testicles” defense. While some of these may have been invoked by “Cyborg”, she’s going with the tried and (possibly) true “Tainted Supplements” defense. It allows the busted fighter to admit that they are guilty of not closely monitoring their nutritional intake, but innocent of any deliberate wrong doing. And, if you’re keeping score, it’s been used by damn near every fighter ever busted for steroids.

But enough about what Santos could have said. Here she is, in her own words…

Bad news for…well, everybody, really. The California State Athletic Commission put out a press release earlier today announcing that Strikeforce featherwight champion Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos — the most dominant female fighter in the history of the sport — has tested positive for an anabolic steroid. As a result, her license has been suspended, and the result of her last win over Hiroko Yamanaka on December 17th will be changed to a no-contest. Here’s the full release via BloodyElbow:

CALIFORNIA STATE ATHLETIC COMMISSION SUSPENDS LICENSE OF FIGHTER CRISTIANE JUSTINO SANTOS – a.k.a. CRIS CYBORG

Mixed Martial Arts fighter tested positive for anabolic steroid in December 16, 2011 test

The California State Athletic Commission (CSAC) has suspended the license of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighter Cristiane Justino Santos, better known in MMA circles as Cris Cyborg, and has fined her $2,500 as the result of a positive test for a banned substance.

Santos’ December 16, 2011 drug test came back positive for stanozolol metabolites. CSAC learned of the test results December 23, 2011 and suspended Santos’s license, with the suspension applied retroactively to December 16, 2011. In accordance with Rule 368, the result of her last fight between Hiroko Yamanaka will be changed to a “No Decision”.

“Our primary concern is for the health and safety of fighters,” said CSAC Executive Officer George Dodd. “Anabolic agents and other banned substances put not only the users of those agents at risk, but their opponents as well. The commission simply will not tolerate their use.”

(“I appreciate the recognition, but really, this award belongs to CagePotato. Get up here, guys.”)

By Jason Moles

This time last year, I gave you a list of predictions that really created a stir. I boasted that the UFC would host an event in Mexico and be legalized in New York. Man, was I ever wrong about that. I apologize. But I also said that Dana White would coin a new phrase, land a network TV deal and that a famous athlete would cross over into the world of mixed martial arts. Not bad, eh? 2012 is quickly approaching so get the champagne on ice and let’s get to those wild predictions…

1. FOX will reprimand Dana White for his inevitable off-handed comments.

“Faggot“, “f*cking retarded”, “dumb bitch” — these are all things that have been uttered by the president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Dana White. The UFC may be MMA’s pinnacle and FOX’s diamond in the rough, but if the promotion is ever to secure a spot in the mainstream, it needs to display more control over its mouthpiece and his tongue. Advertisers tend to frown upon such public displays of hostility and bigotry. When Uncle Dana slips again and gives someone an earful, you can be certain that it won’t go unpunished as it has in the past. This goes for you too, Rogan and Rashad.

2. A champion will test positive for a banned substance.

(Yep. Just a couple of total badasses, right there.)

Do you know what today is, gentlemen? It’s the last day of Movember, which means that tomorrow you can finally shave your upper lip and return to a somewhat normal life. To celebrate, we’re proud to present the fourth and final installment of Dan Severn’s mailbag column, in which the famously-moustached UFC Hall of Famer shares his wisdom on worked fights, steroids, the death penalty, Chuck Norris’s beard, getting buck-ass naked in a parking lot, and more hot-button issues. Our deepest gratitude goes to Dan for gracing this website with his sense of humor and weird stories for the last month. Show him some love at DanSevern.com and his Facebook page.

But before we get into that, a couple parting notes about Movember. If you grew out an impressive mo’ this year, we encourage you to enter Break.com’s Show Off Your Mo contest for a chance to win a Samsung HD camera, and feel free to post a moustache pic on CagePotato’s Facebook wall. And if you still have some money left to donate, please consider doing it on KarmaAteMyCat’s CagePotato Mo Bro page. Karma’s tireless efforts have already raised $664 at the time of this writing — amazing work, bro — and he’s trying to break the $800 mark by the end of the day. Need more incentive than helping to fight testicular and prostate cancer? How ’bout this: Today’s biggest donor will receive a CagePotato t-shirt and, if you want it, a chance to write your own contributor column on CagePotato.

And now, the stunning conclusion of “Ask Dan”…

RwilsonR asks: Have you ever seen/been involved in/know anyone involved in any worked fights? Was this ever common practice with any promotions you have fought for?

(Leben might need to pray that MMA fans and the UFC don’t turn their backs on him in the next year while he serves his latest suspension. Ask Karo Parisyan.)

Anyone who says that the UFC isn’t policing its own athletes when it comes to drug use needs to talk to Chris Leben.

The troubled UFC middleweight, who blamed a massive weight cut on his sluggish performance, tested positive for Oxymorphone and Oxycodone in tests administered by the promotion following his UFC 138 loss on November 5 to Mark Munoz. As a result, he has been suspended by Zuffa for a year.

For those keeping track, this is the second time “The Crippler” has been popped for pissing dirty by the UFC. The first time was after his UFC 89 decision loss to Michael back in October 2008 when he tested positive for Stanozolol. Between these incidents, he also got picked up for DUI for the second time in October 2010, which clearly reveals a pattern of someone who needs help for a substance abuse problem or someone who really needs a hobby during the winter months.

(Come on. You’re telling me that’s not a pothead? / Photo via Sherdog)

Update: Herman only tested positive for marijuana. The report that originally stated he also tested positive for steroids came from a misinterpretation of his interview.

UFC heavyweight Dave Herman has confirmed that his scheduled UFC 136 main card bout against Mike Russow has been canceled, after his pre-fight drug tests came back positive for marijuana. Herman denies using the illegal substance. As he explained to Clinch Gear Radio:

“I went in to get in my drug test (on Sept. 15), and a week later, they called me and told me they lost my urine specimen. I had to come in and redo it. That was last week. I went back in that day. And [on Wednesday], they told me I failed. I said, ‘That’s impossible.’…[now,] Texas said they never lost it and the first one [tested positive] for drugs and the second was for steroids. I don’t even smoke…I haven’t even had a beer in two months.”

“Not only have I never done steroids, I wouldn’t know who to approach if I wanted to buy them.” (Photo: MMAMania.com)

Thus far the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix has laughed in the face of safe bets. Tournament favorites Fedor Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem aren’t just out of the competition, they’re out of the promotion. With Daniel Cormier in the finals, I’m kicking myself for not throwing down that $1 bet on “Any fighter not listed”. Now continuing with that trend, it is being reported that following his victory over Sergei Kharitonov, Josh Barnett pissed a sample so warm, so pure that it may as well have been bottled in the foothills of Machida Springs™.

MMAJunkie.com confirmed the results with Bernie Profato of the Ohio Athletic Commission. Given the “War Master’s” storied past with P.E.D.’s, there were legitimate concerns that this tournament could end in a Trilogy-style disaster, but he passed both pre-and-post-fight tests. In your face, us!

Other fighters tested and found clean were: Sergei Kharitonov, Daniel Cormier, Antonio Silva, Luke Rockhold, Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza, Mike Kyle, and Yoel Romero. Congrats, men: you’re either in that “very small percentage” of fighters who don’t juice, or in that big group smart enough to pass the tests.

Matt Serra, and his bucket of rigatoni, make their way to the cage.

Earlier this week UFC fighter Krzysztof Soszynski made the bold statement that the vast majority of MMA fighters—somewhere between 85-96%–are getting some sort of illegal chemical boost in the training room. Yesterday a bigger, more easily-spelled name in the sport spoke out in support of those allegations. In an interview with MMA Weekly, Matt Serra weighed in on what he considers to be a serious problem in the fight game.

“It’s wrong man, it’s really wrong. Let me tell you something. I got to the title without doing anything. I didn’t use anything,” Serra commented. “Me and BJ Penn are in that small percentage that don’t do (expletive). There’s a lot of guys that are considered legends, and they’re doing the GH and doing this and that, and it’s obvious, it’s freaking obvious.”

(The only substance K-Sos uses these days is horse blood.)

During an appearance on MMAFighting’s The MMA Hour on Tuesday, Krzysztof Soszynski made a somewhat surprising revelation that at least 85 to as many as 96% percent of MMA athletes use some form of performance enhancing drug. According to the veteran fighter, you can tell by looking at a fighter’s physique who is and who isn’t using and he would know, considering that prior to becoming a fighter he competed in professional bodybuilding and spent a few years as a pro wrestler.

Although he stopped short of actually saying that he had anabolic help building his hulking physique, “The Polish Experiment” said that he has never used illegal substances since he began fighting.

“Back in the days when I was a bodybuilder, obviously it was a little different, but for mixed martial arts, I don’t [use PEDs],” he told host Ariel Helwani. I don’t believe in it.”