infomercial fail gifs
21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Tag: steroids

Thiago Silva and Rafael Cavalcante to Collide at UFC 162, Result to Be Overturned to a “No Contest” Shortly Thereafter


(Seen here: Something Thiago Silva has not been able to honestly do since 2009.) 

If you thought Matt Riddle was just blowing smoke up our asses when he criticized the subjectivity of the UFC’s hiring/firing policy on The MMA Hour a couple days ago, look no further than Thiago Silva for proof that he wasn’t. The Brazilian slugger has not only failed two drug tests in his past three bouts, once for using synthetic animal urine in an attempt to fool his post-fight test at UFC 125 and once for marijuana metabolites at UFC on FUEL 6 last November, but has gone 0-2 in the bouts he actually managed to show up clean for. Combine that with the fact that he nearly costs as much to show as that “super fucking expensive” Jon Fitch and you’ll be left wondering how someone so incompetent still holds a job in the sport’s highest promotion. Our guess: DW and friends really appreciate the fact that — on the off-chance Silva isn’t trying to cheat the system or cheapen the value of a win — the dude brings it. 

Whatever the case, Silva will be given what we can only assume is his final, final chance at UFC 162, where he will meet fellow piss test savant Rafael Cavalcante.

Read More DIGG THIS

Prepare for War: Dana White Says Josh Barnett is “Probably” Headed Back to the UFC


(“Why yes, Dana, the blonde gentleman in the lower left *is* my doctor. What of it?”)

The Sam and Diane relationship between Josh Barnett and the UFC continues to forge ahead, Potato Nation. Fortunately, we have more than an outdated UFC.com profile to go with this time. During the media scrum following the UFC 158 press conference earlier today, Dana White was questioned by MMAMania about the likelihood of seeing “The Warmaster” back in the octagon, and the UFC President was surprisingly optimistic:

I have not (spoken with Barnett). It’s probably going to happen.

There you have it; absolute and undeniable proof that Barnett is back, baby. And here you thought we were just tugging your respective dicks this whole time. Shame on you.

Read More DIGG THIS

CagePotato Ban: Blaming a Failed Drug Test on an Over-the-Counter Supplement


Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:

Read More DIGG THIS

Ed Herman Believes Jake Shields Tested Positive For Banned Performance Enhancing Drugs


(“Yeah, well you tested positive for gingervitis, so suck it.” Props: Tracy Lee/Cagewriter)

When Jake Shields tested positive for having a banned substance in his system during his UFC 150 fight against Ed Herman last August, we assumed that the no-no substance was of the weed variety. Given some of his training partners and friends, it made perfect sense.

Here’s the thing: The sanctioning body of that fight, the Colorado Boxing Commission, never specified which banned substance Shields tested positive for. But Herman, who Shields beat by decision before the fight was changed to a No Contest, isn’t buying the marijuana story.

“I think Colorado is one of the HIPAA privacy states where they weren’t allowed to release what he tested positive for. I’m pretty sure it was for some type of performance enhancing substance, just by looking at his physique going in to the fight,” Herman told Bloody Elbow recently.

A lil Mary Jane to relax before fighting another trained professional is one thing, according to Herman, because, you know, all the cool kids do it. But “Short Fuse” is coming right out and accusing Shields of being more ‘roid monkey than stoner kid in an apparent effort to discredit him.

“He looked pretty puffed up and exhibited the common signs. As an athlete, you can recognize those signs. I can’t guarantee it, but I’m pretty positive that it was for some kind of performance enhancing drug. If it really was for marijuana, it’s a lot easier for a guy to come right out and say, ‘I smoked a joint, sorry,’” Herman continued to narc.

Read More DIGG THIS

CagePotato Presents: The James Irvin ‘Why Me?’ Timeline [INFOGRAPHIC]

In addition to being one of the least decision-prone fighters to ever grace the OctagonJames Irvin is also notorious for being the unluckiest bastard in the history of the sport. From poorly-timed injuries and ill-advised weight cuts to chemical misadventures and freak accidents, the Sandman has suffered through enough hardships to fill the careers of ten journeymen. So with the help of our friends at Havoc Store, we put together an illustrated timeline of the most unfortunate moments in Irvin’s MMA career, which you can check out after the jump.

Enjoy, share it with your friends, and show some love to Havoc Store by visiting their blog or following them on Facebook. And James? You have our sympathy, dude.

Read More DIGG THIS

Cris Cyborg’s Doctor Declares Her Unfit to Drop to 135, Ronda Rousey’s Manager Calls Bullshit


(Cris Cyborg: The Madonna of MMA. / Photo via Strikeforce)

With women’s 135-pound champion Ronda Rousey and former 145-pound champ Cris Cyborg still split on which weight they would meet at for their fantasyland matchup, Cyborg has pulled the old “doctor’s note” move. Members of the Cyborg camp told MMAWeekly yesterday that the dynamic Brazilian striker — who is still serving out her one-year steroid suspension — met with her doctors recently, and was informed that a cut to 135 pounds wouldn’t be safe:

Her cardiologist stated emphatically that he would not sign off on a move down a weight class based on her current health. The dangers to her body could also prohibit Santos from carrying a child later in life, and according to her camp, that was a risk the former Strikeforce champion was unwilling to make for any fight. Santos’ walking around weight currently hovers around 160lbs and the 25lb cut would just be too much for her body according to her doctors.

I mean…Cyborg looks like she could probably cut 10 pounds in excess back-muscle alone, but hey, I’m no doctor — I’m only a humble Female Body Inspector. In response, Rousey’s manager Darin Harvey pointed out the obvious:

Read More DIGG THIS

Shane Carwin and Roy Nelson Pass Their Random NSAC Drug Tests


(“All natural, bro. No steroids. No testosterone. I’ve never hired a nutritionist. I’ve never bought hair conditioner. I ate my dog‘s food once, but it was an accident.” Photo via MMAWeekly)

Unlike some people we know, UFC heavyweights Shane Carwin and Roy Nelson are training without the help of performance-enhancing drugs. According to Nevada State Athletic Commission Executive Director Keith Kizer (via MMAMania), Carwin and Nelson have both tested negative for steroids and diuretics, after being tapped for random testing last month.

Currently babysitting the worst Ultimate Fighter cast of all time, Carwin and Nelson are slated to face off at the surprisingly stacked TUF 16 Finale card on December 15th. Neither fighter has ever failed a drug test in their professional MMA career, though Carwin’s name was previously linked to an illegal steroids ring based in Mobile, Alabama. His manager, Jason Genet, recently gave a full explanation of how that happened, which seems reasonable enough, although that part about Carwin hanging out with Ron Waterman and ripping phone books in half is a little odd, to say the least.

Read More DIGG THIS

Breaking: Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman Fail UFC 153 Drug Tests


(…but damn, did he look good doing it.)

As first reported by MMAJunkie, Stephan Bonnar and Dave Herman both tested positive for banned substances in their UFC 153 post-fight drug screenings. With no athletic commission in place in Brazil, the UFC independently tested all 24 fighters who competed at the October 13th card at Rio de Janeiro’s HSBC Arena — and unfortunately nailed a pair of repeat offenders.

Bonnar, who announced his retirement from MMA earlier this week, tested positive for the anabolic steroid Drostanolone following his TKO loss to Anderson Silva in UFC 153′s main event. It is the second steroid bust for Bonnar, who was suspended for nine months after popping positive for Boldenone in 2006. Now that Bonnar is retired from the sport, a suspension won’t be much of a punishment, though it certainly puts a black mark on the end of a crowd-pleasing career inside the Octagon. (Conspiracy theory time: Bonnar knew he’d be retiring after the Silva fight, and he simply didn’t give a fuck.)

As for the one they call Pee Wee…

Read More DIGG THIS

WTF of the Day: Jose Canseco Makes his Moobs Dance, Almost Makes a Point Somehow


The Jose Canseco have the big lady boobs and the lil mouse balls.

There’s something to be said about a drug addict who chooses to make money by exploiting his struggles with addiction, all while enabling the addictions of other people. I’m not sure if there are proper words for it, but utterly tragic, pathetic and thoroughly reprehensible are probably good places to start. Case in point: Jose Canseco, who has been dangerously addicted to anabolic steroids in the past (and possibly still is), now dedicates his time to encouraging both current and potential steroid users through a series of videos on Steroid.com. If you’re surprised by any of this, I envy your ignorance.

Oh, and he makes his glorious man boobies dance. Did I mention that part yet? Because that happens.

Back to business though. This week, Canseco touches on the topic of which steroids are “the most awesome steroids,” which obviously are the ones that make your tits bounce, n00b. Naturally, Canseco addresses former teammates who decided not to use steroids in the unfortunately typical words of an addict who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions:

As a baseball player, if you didn’t take steroids you were just a pussy. You were just not part of the team at that time. You weren’t really trying to win. You weren’t doing everything possible to become the best baseball player out there and help your team win. It was like a sacrifice in a way, you really had to do everything possible to help your team win.

Read More DIGG THIS

Champion Junior Dos Santos Calls for Random Drug Testing in the UFC

Like a true champion, Junior Dos Santos has found an all-natural way to shrink his testicles. (Photo: paperlenses.wordpress.com)

Between irresponsible TRT use and baseless speculation concerning the recent injury epidemic, the use of performance enhancing drugs in MMA has cast the sport in a rather negative light of late. So it’s a breath of fresh air to have a fighter not only come out against PED use, but to express a willingness to take part in more comprehensive drug tests. And it’s even better when that fighter is the current UFC heavyweight champion. In a recent press conference, Junior Dos Santos stated that he advocated random blood testing for his future fights for both himself and his opponents.

“I am champion and never have used anything, and I am proud to say that. It is unfair to use substances. With or without authorization, it makes a difference. A fighter who can do this kind of treatment is not himself in the octagon and using tricks to improve [his] performance.”

This is significant for three reasons. First, because Junior Dos Santos said it. It’s unlikely that Dana White will read this and retort “I would rather watch flys [sic] fuck,” as he did when Ben Askren accused White of not doing enough to prevent the use of PEDs. If your heavyweight champion wants something, especially when that something will contribute to the legitimacy of your sport, you’d do well to accommodate him.

More on the need for increased testing after the jump…

Read More DIGG THIS
CagePotatoMMA