(“It’ll never happen, ladies. Now go back to the kitchen and make me an eight-sided sandwich.” / Image via CagePotato’s Facebook page, which you should all follow immediately.)

By the CagePotato.com Staff

They were undeniable truths — until suddenly, they weren’t. Check out our latest list below, and ask yourself: What do I believe now that will turn out to be utter bullshit someday?

1. Alistair Overeem will become the UFC heavyweight champion in less than a year.

(Photo via Esther Lin/MMAFighting.com)

2. There’s no way a boxer could ever beat a mixed martial artist under MMA rules.

3. Rickson’s record is 400-0. No, seriously.
 

(Seagal, seen here donning various items of clothing he had stolen from the cubbies of children he cared so dearly for.) 

Somewhere between Hard to Kill and Cockpuncher, Steven Seagal experienced a Christ-like resurrection of his career using only the power of audacity and the “free member for life” coupon to Old Country Buffet he had secured through a sponsorship deal in 1989. Seemingly overnight, the aging sensei emerged from a bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films (which to be fair, is a game he’ll never truly leave behind) and gut-bustingly awful musical endeavors to become the personal mentor of the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world, inventor of the front kick, and a “respected” member of the law enforcement community. Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self, Seagal was able to successfully come back from the dead and reconnect with semi-fame. And he is not letting go this time.

Take the events of this past weekend, for instance, in which Seagal was able to use said fame to join forces with the Maricopa County Police Department and assemble a posse (his words, not mine) of school shooting response specialists. Because if anyone knows how to react to a real life crisis situation, it’s the guy who has made a career terribly pretending to react to fake ones.

After the jump: A video snippet of this hilariously misguided endeavor, featuring paintball warfare, some misplaced picketing, and a surprising lack of firing range goggles*.

(“Progidy.” “The 30-something Randy Couture of the 40-something crowd.” “I don’t speak-a the Portuguesa.” “Leg kick to the midsection.” All the classics are here. / Props: zombie00713 via MiddleEasy)

Thiago Tavares ‘Surprised’ By Recent Failed Drug Test Following UFC On FX 7 (Fightline)

‘Bigfoot’ Silva’s Manager: Cain Velasquez Rematch Possible, but Slower Path to Title Preferred (MMAFighting)

Johny Hendricks Calls Georges St. Pierre an ‘Idiot’ for Thinking Nick Diaz Deserves a Title Shot Over Him (MMA Mania)

Anthony “Showtime” Pettis and the Evolution of Mixed Martial Arts (BleacherReport)

If Condit Gets Hurt, Tyron Woodley Wants to Fight Rory MacDonald at UFC 158 (MMAConvert)

Jack Slack’s Greatest Strikers: A Brief Look At Giorgio Petrosyan (BloodyElbow)

Pictures: Joe Lauzon Competes In Food Decathlon (FightDay)

Steven Seagal and Joe Arpaio Are Training a ‘Posse’ of School Shooting First Responders (FilmDrunk)

The 40 Softest Athletes in Sports History (Complex)

2013 Valentine’s Day Gift Guide (MensHealth)

7 Must-See Photos That Haven’t Been Photoshopped (DoubleViking)

Everyone Is Doing the Harlem Shake Right Now (Break)

50 Horrible Photos Taken By Horribly Professional Photographers (WorldWideInterweb)

(Props: YouTube.com/UFC)

UFC 156 goes down this coming Saturday in Las Vegas, featuring the featherweight title fight between Jose Aldo and Frankie Edgar, Alistair Overeem‘s return against Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva, Rashad Evans vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira, and a whole mess of supporting talent. Check out the extended trailer above, and ask yourself the following…

- How likely is it that Edgar will become the third UFC fighter in history (after Randy Couture and BJ Penn) to become a UFC champion in a second weight division?

- Is anybody buying the idea that Bigfoot’s size and power will be a challenge for Overeem?

- What would Rashad Evans need to do, hypothetically, to convince you that he deserves another crack at Jon Jones?

- The UFC injury curse has been eerily quiet lately, with very few withdrawals of marquee fighters over the past two months. So, were Dana White and Lorenzo Fertitta justified in throwing those virgins into the volcano?

And now that we have your attention, you might as well watch this stuff too…

(We’re sorry for your loss, Lorenz, but believe us when we say that we know how it feels to be passed over.)

A few hours ago, we made the foolish suggestion that once all of Strikeforce’s chosen ones made their way over to the UFC, Luke Rockhold, should finally give Lorenz Larkin the title shot he had so rightfully earned by collecting four victories in their former promotion over mostly unknowns and nearly getting beaten to death by a roided up King Mo. Rockhold has been ducking him nursing various injuries for months now, and we figured it would be in the champ’s best interest to put all the doubt to rest in regard to Larkin once and for all.

Which is why it makes perfect sense that Rockhold has now called out Costa Philippou and completely invalidated our work in the process. Rockhold recently spoke with MMAFighting – but only because we were totally busy doing some research at the time — and not only did he pick a potential opponent for his UFC debut, but he picked a venue as well:

I think Costa Philippou makes the most sense right now. He’s coming off a win, and I think he’s a good opponent. Let’s get it on at [UFC on FOX 7].

As you can see, Rockhold is going to need to step up his shit-talking game if he ever wants a shot at becoming the real middleweight champion. Acknowledging a potential opponents victories? Calling him “a good opponent?” Jesus, Luke, if you don’t start making name-related insults (Can’t-stand-ya Tulip-poo?) or start mocking “the dirt poor Pygmy people of Cyprus” pretty soon, it’s going to be all FX and FUEL undercards for you from here on out.

(Photo via dc_mma)

Besides his uncanny ability to ingratiate himself into the lives of elite MMA fighters, I’ll give Steven Seagal credit for something else — the guy knows how to pick winners. During an appearance at this weekend’s Fighters Only World MMA Awards in Las Vegas, the action star set his sights on his next pet project, telling MMAWeekly:

“If I had to choose anybody today [as 'Fighter of the Year'] I would probably pick Daniel Cormier because I think he is the best out of that lot…He’s the guy and I’m maybe going to be working with him a little bit, we’ll see. I think that he’s not the kind of person that everybody knows about, yet he’s sort of a sleeper, you know? I think that’s going to be really interesting. I’m not going to say any more than that. I’ll just say he’s a friend of mine, that’s all.”

The photo you see above was tweeted out by Cormier yesterday, accompanied by the caption “With sensei seagal ufc 148.” So why would Cormier release a random six-month-old photo of himself and Seagal, the day after his victory at Strikeforce’s final event? And why would he call Seagal “sensei”? No. Oh God, no. This isn’t happening.

(“Seems like oooooold times…” / Photo via allelbows)

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- Photo of the day: Ed O’Neill chokes out Royce Gracie on the set of ‘Modern Family’ (Facebook.com/CagePotato)

- Steven Seagal Owns a Bullet-Proof Kimono. This Is Not a Joke. (FilmDrunk)

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(Photo via MMAWeekly)

By Elias Cepeda

A while back, retired legend Randy Couture joked that the only way he’d come out of retirement for would be if the UFC offered him a fight against Steven Seagal. Let us repeat that: It was a joke.

Couture is a four-time Olympic alternate in Greco Roman wrestling and one of only two UFC fighters in history to hold world championships in two different divisions. Seagal is an actor and aikido master whose success in real fights is officially undocumented, although his on-set altercations have become the stuff of pants-crapping legend.

The action star has hung around the best fighter in the world, Anderson Silva, for the past few years, however, all the while claiming to coach Silva. It has been hilarious to observe, and Couture’s joke about fighting Seagal clearly played on Seagal’s many audacious claims about his own fighting and coaching abilities while passing himself off as an MMA expert.

Predictably, Seagal didn’t see Couture’s tongue-in-cheek statement as such during a recent interview on The MMA Hour. “I always thought that Randy was my friend and a gentleman. I’m kind of confused as to why he would say that,” Seagal said on the show.

“All I can say is, I’m here. Anybody can find me anytime and anyplace. If Randy really wants to fight me, he can fight me anytime he wants. It’ll be for free, and it’ll be some place where there are no witnesses.” When asked if this hypothetical match would take place under MMA rules, Seagal told Ariel Helwani, “I don’t play by rules. That’s not how I fight.”

Since Seagal’s poor self awareness and lack of humor allowed for him to talk about him fighting Couture as a real possibility, we thought it would be fun to give “Captain America” a call and get his reaction to it all…

(“It’s a romantic comedy called ‘You’ve Got Wrist-Locks.’ You play my girlfriend’s father, and you don’t approve of our relationship because I’m so fucking old and gross.”)

File this one under not sure if awesome. According to a new report from Estadão (via Fighters Only), UFC middleweight king Anderson Silva will be filming a role in an action-packed “police story” alongside, who else, Steven Seagal. Silva received the first script draft this week, and is heading to the U.S. to shoot the flick after he gets back from a vacation in Dubai. As Silva explained:

“I will make a lot of fight scenes and this is also the first time I will act. I received a long plot and I will have the opportunity of putting in practice what I have been studying for some time.”

Wait, here’s the best part:

“I don’t want to be seen as somebody who caught the role because I am on the media and to be a fighter. Of course it is difficult, I am not Lorenzo Lamas, but I want to do it well done to the people see that I am a good actor.”

LOL, Lorenzo freakin’ Lamas! That’s the first (and surely last) time we’ve heard that guy’s name used as a standard for fine acting. (“Is Andy a good actor? Well, he’s no dude-from-Renegade, but I suppose he’ll do.”)

How’s your day going, Potato Nation? Could it use more ego-stroking, embellished ramblings, and conspiracy theories delivered in a raspy yet soothing undertone? Well luckily for you, none other than famed mixed martial arts instructor and former movie star Steven Seagal recently sat down for the longest interview of his career to do just that.

We’re not going to spoil the interview for you, but suffice it to say, it’s classic Seagal. Over the course of fifty minutes, Seagal not only claims that he has possibly killed someone or many someones in his life, but that he deserved the Nobel Peace Prize that Al Gore received in 2007 (ironic), and knows the truth behind Brandon Lee’s death. Also, Above the Law was autobiographical.

I will say that again. This fucking film was AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.

No more spoilers, just sit back and enjoy.

-J. Jones

Finally, a Sensei Seagal claim that I don’t immediately label as bullshit.

As hard as we’ve been trying, we just can’t change the subject from holier-than-thou hypocrites around here. At least not in the comments sections of our articles. It seems like the comments sections of every article we’ve written since Thursday have deflated into a bunch of angry, semi-literate geeks who possibly don’t even like MMA calling each other the worst names they can think of before accusing each other of being hypocrites. Coincidentally, I just started reading the comments section of our articles on Thursday morning.

So in that spirit, I’m relaying news to you about a certain lawman who seems to actually fancy himself as Above the Law. It appears that UFC trainer/Actor/CIA agent/Energy Drink Salesman Steven Seagal owes a boat load of money to the State of California. As in, more money than training playing patty-cake with Rafael Cavalcante can possibly be bringing in. To hear it from TMZ.com:

Taking out a boatful of terrorists hell-bent on nuking Honolulu does not mean you can skip out on paying your taxes … so the State of California has filed a giant tax lien against action film star Steven Seagal, TMZ has learned.

Perhaps I am just ignorant to a lot of the subtleties of Aikido, but when I watched Steven Seagal “spar” with former Strikeforce champion Rafael Cavalcante in the moments leading up to UFC 148, I was less than impressed. Though there is little doubt in my mind (none, in fact) that Sensei Seagal would absolutely destroy me in a fight, even after consuming his daily pallet of chocolate covered pretzels, when given the choice between Seagal’s deadly patty-cake shenanigans and say, the leaping, spinning roundhouse kicks of Jean-Claude Van Damme, I will choose the latter 11 times out of 10. I mean, we’re talking about the living embodiment of Colonel William F. Guile here, people. I could also get into the whole debate about how it was actually JCVD that invented the front kick, as well as the Showtime kick, only to have the techniques Milli-Vanilli’d from him by Seagal and Anthony Pettis, but I’d prefer not to filibuster my own article for the sake of argument.

But you can understand my excitement when I heard that none other than the roundhouse-kicking thespian himself recently stopped by Tristar Gym to pay Georges St. Pierre and the gang a visit and partake in some light sparring. This video was tweeted by St. Pierre yesterday, and although it is extremely light on both the sparring and actual content, it’s still the coolest twenty five seconds you’ll see all day, so just enjoy it.

As you can see, Van Damme can still wing those kicks up there and stop them on a dime, whereas I would be shocked to learn that Seagal could even lift his legs off of the ground without assistance. This of course leads to the question: If JCVD and Sensei Seagal were to throw down nowadays, who would take it and how?

-J. Jones

(Props: FilmDrunk)

I know what you’ve all been thinking this week. You’ve been thinking “This whole pissed off and angry Anderson Silva is a frightening change of pace, and the press conference was fun I guess, but damn it, I need to know how Steven Seagal will take credit for all of this!” Well don’t worry, person who doesn’t exist – you won’t have to wait until after the fight to find that out.

Ariel Helwani caught up with Cockpuncher to discuss Anderson Silva’s upcoming rematch with Chael Sonnen. After appearing reluctant to give the mere mortal an interview, Seagal explained how Silva’s intense new attitude is entirely his doing. And those concerns you may be having over The Spider’s emotions affecting his performance? Don’t worry, Seagal has an answer for that, too.

Videos (Yes, multiple) after the jump.

(Props: FilmDrunk)

Legendary ’70s rocker Steven Seagal was recently a guest on MMAFighting‘s “The MMA Hour,” and after firing off some dependably insane nonsense about how Jon Jones doesn’t punch or kick well, and how Anderson Silva “either fears me pretends to fear me,” Seagal got into the only topic that we really care to hear him address at this point: Whether or not “Judo” Gene LeBell literally choked the shit out of him circa 1990. As you can imagine, Seagal is on the “no, I didn’t shit my pants” side of the argument. Here’s what he said, as transcribed by our buds at FilmDrunk:

“I don’t even know if he is still alive. Is he still alive? I never knew this about him – either he is a pathological liar or he had somebody making up these stories. He came over to my trailer and I was with a guy called Conrad Palmisano who is still a legend, one of the greatest stunt co-ordinators in the history of Hollywood. [LeBell and I] were standing there talking about moves and stuff like that and we were just doing some stretching and he was showing me how you can stretch…he wanted to stretch my back and then I kind of flipped over the top of him and said ‘thank you for that.’

There was never any confrontation with him ever. In any way, shape or form. And I swear to god on my children – and they are the most precious thing in my life – if he is saying that he is a pathological scumbag liar. I keep answering that [question]. Either he made up this lie or someone made it up…Gene Le Bell has never even said anything impolite to me. When he has seen me he has been extremely polite to me and just acted like a friend. I think you know the truth here and everyone else knows the truth and if Gene is saying sh*t like that he should be ashamed of himself.

Nathan “The12ozCurls” Smith

With recent events involving a UFC fighter and alcohol grabbing the spotlight, we at CP figured we’d lighten the mood a tad with this new Budweiser commercial. From a stare down between Anderson Silva and Steven Seagal to Lyoto Machida making a cameo as he flees the scene, this commercial has it all. When I say it has it all, I mean they also mixed in a midget little person as well as Bruce Buffer and Dan Miragliotta. Much to the surprise of Chael Sonnen (because, we assume, he was unaware that the country has such technological advances like television), it has been rumored that the commercial will only air in Brazil.

(It was like this, but smellier.) 

Whether you are a man of religion or a man of science, there are those few urban legends out there that, despite their lack of physical evidence or confirmation, are universally accepted as truth. So goes the story of illustrious judo champion Gene Lebell’s confrontation with the true Godfather of mixed martial arts, Sensei Steven Seagal.

The story goes like this: while on the set of Out for Justice, Seagal happened to mention that, as a result of his Aikido training and extensive blues guitar playing, his Senseiness was impervious to chokes. LeBell, who at 58, happened to be a stunt coordinator on set at the time, opted to take Seagal up on his boisterous claim. Seagal accepted, was choked out, and proceeded to pee and/or poop his pants. Due to an alleged gag order placed on everyone from LeBell to the cast and crew who happened to witness the event, no one has come forth in the time since to confirm or deny this story. John Leguizamo brought it up once, and was promptly beaten to a pulp.

Well let today, March 12th, forever be known as a triumph for the human race, as LeBell has finally broken his silence. And according to him, even if Seagal did in fact poop himself, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Join us after the jump for the full video interview, complements of MMAFighting, along with a transcription of some of the highlights. 

(“Don’s worry Anderson-Kun, that’s just my chi you’re feeling against your thigh.”)

The 25 percent of Steven Seagal’s autobiography that isn’t utter bullshit is going to make for a fascinating read.

In the latest bizarre chapter in the life of “The Gimmer Man,” Seagal is being sued for non-payment to a former movie producer and business associate with mob ties for failing to pay monies owed to him.

According to a report from the Daily Mail, Seagal agreed to pay $500,000 to Julius Nasso, who he co-owned a film production company with until it dissolved in 2007. Nasso sued Seagal for $60 million back in 2002 for failing to deliver on four movies he agreed to star in, but the suit was eventually dropped after several months in the courts.

“Listen, I know we’ve had our moments, but before you make your list just hear me out…” (Photo: Gossiboocrew.com)

We’re only a few hours into the new year, but unless your head hit the pillow just as the ball dropped, you’ve probably already carried some of your bad habits with you into 2012. We are creatures of habit, and change doesn’t come naturally to us. If it did, we wouldn’t make such a big production out of our ‘New Year’s Resolutions’. The sport of mixed martial arts and its fans are no different. Here’s a quick look at some of the bad habits we’ve picked up and poor decisions we’ve made over the past 12-months. Let’s hope we can leave them behind in yesteryear.

“I got three of Richie’s guys breathing through their foreheads ova he-ya, so allow me be brief…”

Behind the scenes information and rampant speculation in the lead-up to a fight is the MMA equivalent of chicks gossiping in a powder room. It’s, like, totally fun, but when you start to base your investment portfolio around it or develop an eating disorder you know you’ve crossed the line. At least, that’s usually the case. The scoop we’re about to share with you is as solid as they come, so take advantage of this opportunity to change your fight picks and spray a bottle of Cool Whip directly into your throat.

Earlier this week, Light-Heavyweight challenger Lyoto Machida revealed that he had not been in communication with Black House’s not-so-secret weapon, Steven Seagal, during his training camp. Considering that his devastating knock out victory over Randy Couture was directly attributable (cough) to the action film star, it seemed odd that he wouldn’t turn to him for guidance while training for the fight of his life.

Have no fear, Dragon fans. As it turns out, Jon Jones‘ weaknesses are so glaring that they can be pointed out and easily exploited after a brief, last-minute teleconference. Who knew? Oh yeah, Seagal did.

(Video: Zombie Prophet)

Though both events took place under the purview of the California State Athletic Commission, the no-nonsense, military precision of last week’s UFC on FOX weigh-ins was nowhere to be seen last night’s event. That’s not necessarily a good thing for the fighters , but it’s certainly more entertaining for the rest of us.

Things kicked off with a healthy dose of confusion. Several prelim fighters tipped the scales well over the allotted limit, which Joe Rogan attributed to a discrepancy between the scales backstage and the official one upfront. While there may be some truth to that, other fighters managed to hit the target on the dot. It was painfully clear that the chick running the show for the CSAC had no clue what she was doing. You know you’re in for a wild ride when someone seeks mathematical and scientific guidance from this guy.

I awoke this morning to find a lone, blinking message on my answering machine. The messenger, whom shall be referred to as Minowaman for the time being, informed me of a video that would not only change the MMA and combat sports world’s forever, but possibly reignite the long, bitter tensions between the United States and Russia. And now, I will pass it on to you, Potato Nation, as I can only assume that shit in my town is about to go Red Dawn within the hour.

Amidst a deadly crew of English-speaking, Russian sleeper cells, a lone FBI agent, code name Gull of the Sea (at his request), was able to infiltrate a remote, Russian facility, like so, and record the following video of the illegal toe hold technology that the Russians have been building up for years.

(Video courtesy of YouTube/QTV)

And the Steven Seagal stories just keep coming. Not sure how we missed this gem from a couple weeks ago, but apparently “The Glimmer Man” took exception to John Leguizamo not respecting his alpha male status on the set of Executive Decision back in 1996 so he attacked the 5′ 8″ 160 lb actor to prove who was in charge.

Leguizamo recalled the story during a recent appearance on QTV.

“We were in rehearsals for Executive Decision. I’m playing his Master Sargeant and we come in for rehearsals and he says, ‘I’m in command. Everything I say is law. Anybody doesn’t agree?’ I was like, ‘Bwahahaha.’ I started cracking up because he sounded like a retard and he came up and he Taekwondo’ed my ass against the brick and he [hit me with his elbow],” Leguizamo recalled. “He’s six-foot-five and he caught me off guard and knocked all of the air out of me and I was like, ‘Why?! Why?!’ I really wanted to say how big and fat he was and that he runs like a girl, but I didn’t because all I could say was, ‘Why?!’ Why’d he slam me against the wall? We were rehearsing. What’s the bid deal? Why can’t I call him names? If I can’t let it out it’s going to build like a cancer.”

(Video courtesy of YouTube/FightHubTV)

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- Dana White is number 38 on AskMen’s top 49 most influential men of 2011 list (AskMen)

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- Of course Ben Stiller was picked to direct a period horror film (ScreenJunkies)

- UFC in 3-D to hit theatres Feb. 4 (CageWriter)

- 20 creepiest fighters in MMA history (LowKick)

- CSI: Legoland is incredible (TuVez)

(“The Glimmer Man” trying to pretend that he knows what the f*ck his new boss is talking about)

Well, Steven Seagal finally fooled someone into taking him up on his offer of unsolicited help.

The 59-year-old actor, who claims he was a CIA operative in the 80s and whose most recent stint as a peace officer, which was documented on his A&E reality television series Steven Seagal: Lawman, ended abruptly when he was charged with sexual harassment of his female assistant, was sworn in this week as the Hudspeth County Sheriff’s Office’s newest deputy. Officials with the department say that his primary focus will be working full time to help secure the U.S.-Mexico border in Texas.

Seagal contacted Sheriff Arvin West two months ago to apply for work with the HCSO and according to him, he feels that his intentions were honorable.

“It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity,” Sheriff Arvin West told the San Antonio Express today. “He’s like the rest of us that live down here; he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.The television aspect of what we’re doing here is the last priority.The man has a pure motive in doing this. He knows what we’re up against here and he wants to help.”

(Video courtesy of Jim Rome)

When Jon Jones called bullshit on Steven Seagal’s claim that he was slated to meet with the UFC light heavyweight champ just prior to him making the walk to the Octagon to face Quinton Jackson last weekend at UFC 135, most of us chalked it up to “The Glimmer Man” being a raving lunatic or a senile old man.

According to Jones, although he’s a strange cat, he doesn’t think Seagal is as crazy as he leads people to believe and as he revealed during an appearance on Jim Rome’s radio show yesterday, he may have had ulterior motives for the meeting.

Jones worried that the Aikido 7th Dan might have been sent to spy on him by Lyoto Machida’s camp since a meeting with “The Dragon” is a likely inevitability.

Well, Steven Seagal made it out to the festivities Saturday night in Denver and it’s beginning to seem like either he’s some kind of mixed martial arts guru or he’s a senile old man who is way out of touch with reality. My bet’s on the latter.

Our friends Karyn Bryant from MMA H.E.A.T. and Ariel Helwani from MMAFighting caught up with Sensei Seagal before and after the event, respectively, and let’s just say old cockpuncher had a few yarns to spin.

Check out the videos and the bullet points of the world according to The Glimmer Man after the jump.

Fresh off his angelic Burger King commercial, UFC Middleweight Champ Anderson Silva recently appeared on Brazilian talk show Agora e’ Tarde to sing a duet with comedian and the show’s co-host Danilo Gentili. Apparently after dominating every possible contender in the middleweight division, “The Spider” must have his eyes set on the Grammy’s. Though the performance was less than stellar, the good news is that Anderson can still consult long time hero Steven Seagal for advice in this department as well.

Join us after the jump for a study in Jon Jones’ superhuman abilities and the most unexpected knockout that you may ever see.

He made his bones knocking out palookas in the Toughman circuit in the ’90s, before transitioning into an MMA career where he was usually matched up against other oddly-shaped fighters. But now that he’s older and wiser — and still enormous — all Butterbean wants to do is protect and serve. That’s the premise of a new reality series called Big Law: Deputy Butterbean, which premieres August 9th on the Investigation Discovery channel.

The show follows Eric Esch (aka Butterbean, King of the Damn Four-Rounders) and his partner Deputy Adam Hadder as they patrol the streets of Jasper, Alabama, tracking down crystal meth labs and unsanctioned rib-eating contests. Will the 400+ pound ‘Bean be forced to scale a chain-link fence during a pursuit? Will Steven Seagal come in for a guest-spot? These are serious questions that need to be asked now.

When reached for comment, Tim Sylvia cried “What about meeeeeeeeeeee??” Anyway. You guys gonna watch this crap or what?

Well, it’s safe to say the UFC better have an ambulance running outside the venue for Mike Swick at UFC 134.

According to this training video posted by Tatame, his opponent for the August 27 Silva vs. Okami event in Rio de Janeiro, Erick Silva has been working diligently at perfecting the purported Steven Seagal-created kick Silva used to nearly decapitate Vitor Belfort at UFC 126 in February. Although you can barely make it out, especially if you don’t understand Portuguese, the UFC newcomer can be heard on the video telling his pad-holders, “If do right, no can defend.”

Joe Rogan *may* have uploaded this. VidProps: YouTube Person

Marcelo Garcia took gold in the 82kg Middleweight division this past weekend at the BJJ Worlds (and we’ll probably mention this esoteric tournament again, with its bizarre rules against hammerfists, soccer kicks, and striking in general). It was Garcia’s fifth gold at the Mundials, putting him on a very short list of grappling legends.

So where did Marcelinho learn his deadly moves? Check out CagePotato’s Quick Hit of the Day for the answer. But we bet you already know.

[RX]