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Video Evidence: Dan Quinn vs. Aaron Brink

(We’ll always have South Bend. VidProps:
YouTube/Marijuana Muscle)

Well, for once it turned out Dan Quinn wasn’t just bullshitting us. The World’s Most Craziest Man really did fight UFC vet and former reality TV star Aaron Brink in some kind of bizarre-o “striking only” bout last night. Not to ruin it for you, but the results are sadly predictable for anyone who knows,  in general, what a bad idea it is to sanction a fight featuring A) A crazy man or B) A guy who just got out of jail. In this case, Dan Quinn falls into both categories. (Ed. Note: Somewhere in the bowels of the San Diego lock-up, I hope you’re paying attention, War Machine. This is your future.)

Perhaps the California State Athletic Commission has some kind of minimum required amount of mental illness that must be present in the cage at all times, because some genius opted to let our man Sensei Cecil referee this bad boy. Homey plays it pretty straight during the first round, but then breaks out his patented karate chop to begin round two.  If you don’t want  further spoilers, don’t follow the jump until after you’ve watched the “fight.”


Dan Quinn is Out of Jail and He’s Planning on Fighting Aaron Brink Numbed up on Weed Butter and Pure H20

(Video courtesy YouTube/steviaplaya)

After spending 45 days in county jail, Dan Quinn is a free man and he’s wasting no time getting his blood saturated with  lines of Stevia and homemade weed butter while rehabbing his injured shoulder with an electronic muscle stimulator.

In this segment, the inventor of Pure H20 tm addresses President Obama (because we all know Barack subscribes to Dan’s YouTube page), talks about how the drink crystals in jail gave him receding nipples and mutters something about wanting to be like TimeCop so he can go back and fight Jack Dempsey, but for the most part he didn’t have anything interesting to say except that he’s planning on fighting stoned in his upcoming stand-up only superfight with Aaron "the fighter-turned-pornstar-turned-junkie on the" Brink.

All I’m saying is somebody better film it, because it’s going to be awesome if it happens.


Video: Dan Quinn Talks About His Latest Prison Stint, His Desire to Fight Randy Couture and Gives Advice to Jesse James

Disclaimer: Dan was unable to consume any Pure H20 tm while in prison, and as such, put on a bit of weight since he did not have the benefit of stevia to melt away fat. Do not be alarmed by his lack of abs in this video) 
(Video courtesy YouTube/Cold fission, playa)

Dan Quinn posted a new video on his YouTube channel last night and in typical DQ style it doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense, but like any train wreck, I’m compelled to watch it.

He’s worse than two girls one cup.

In this clip, he talks about his 45-day stint in "a level 4 prison," the fact that he would beat Randy Couture in a pure striking MMA match-up with no kicks or takedowns and weighs in on the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James divorce.

The best quote from the video: "When I get fucking spun spun on stevia and weed — because I use Pure H20 tm and stevia to rid my body of all toxins…um…you know what? I kind of become a version of Iron Man."

For the record, when Dan shouts out his prison homies, Spencer, Patrick and "that stud from Canada," he was not referring to me.

I’m going to have to try his money saving suggestion to use stevia in place of cocaine at my "Scarface coke parties." Remind me, though, when I start doing my whacked out shirtless video blogs for CP to tidy up my room a bit.


Dan Quinn is a Free Man, At Least Physically

(Video courtesy YouTube and stevia)

There’s something reassuring about watching a Dan Quinn video. I don’t know if it’s knowing that no matter how crazy I may get as I get older, there’s no way I’ll ever claim that I’m a self-trained scientist who has discovered that the cure for every disease known to mankind is drinking a mixture of a sugar substitute and water. Or maybe it’s the fact that every time he posts another one of his more increasingly psychotic rants, my original inclination that he was a character attempting to pull off the ultimate troll-job evaporates more and more, like the soap floating on top of pure H2O and I realize that he is a legit whack job, which gives me faith that not everyone on the Internet is lying about who they are.


Dan Quinn Got Evicted From His Mom’s House and Crashed His Car, You Guys

(Props: DanQuinnSteviaFan)

Yes, I know it seems like Dan Quinn is off his lithium. Real talk: He’s simply expressing deep rage in a civilized manner. In this recent rant, Quinn curses out his mom for evicting him because she can’t accept the fact that he was tied to a tree by Fred Reeva for four and a half hours when he was eight years old and abused pretty much his whole childhood, and also because she didn’t have his back when he was accused of attempted rape at Notre Dame, ruining one of his several shots at becoming a millionaire, considering he was a white outside linebacker that could cover black running backs downfield, and she even went to town on his body with Hot Wheels tracks when he was a kid (by the way, check out his wrist-vein at the 6:58 mark — what’s up with that?), but it’s understandable because she was hit in the head with a baseball bat when she was a child and still has a dent in her forehead and is hypoglycemic on top of that, but nevertheless, there’s a lot of people who would let him stay in his car in front of their house and take showers. And then, with the timing of a veteran comedian, he rear-ends a parked car. File the papers, bitch.


Done With Kimbo, Dan Quinn Calls Out Mir and Obama

Previously: WAR QUINN!!!


“Oprah Winfrey? Wake the f*ck up, alright?”

(Props: “Captain Insano X” on the UG)

Though he was supposed to fight at Gladiator Challenge two days ago, Dan “Stevia Soldier” Quinn‘s long-awaited match with Dave Huckaba has been pushed back to September 7th. No worries — that just means he has another month to hype the fight. Though he looks to be in solid physical shape in this video shot last week, Quinn’s narrative is as disjointed (and bizarrely compelling) as ever, as he suggests the use of jackets that only fighters can wear, laments the plight of the “sistas,” orders his fat-ass former teammate Cedric Figaro to get on Stevia immediately, briefly reveals a phobia about axle grease, and re-enacts the famous scene at Juanita’s as an action movie. Quinn’s actually been quite prolific with the video-making lately; he’s recorded four more clips since this one, and they can all be seen here.

Bonus: After the jump, Stevia-hater Dave Huckaba responds to Quinn’s recent videos, and manages to use the word “okay” as much as Dan does.



Dan Quinn Gladiator Challenge MMA

Some of you will look at the above image and start doing joyous cartwheels around the room. Some of you will just see a poster for a local MMA card held at a county fair and say “I don’t get it.” And that’s because you haven’t been introduced to the prophetic glory of Dan Quinn.

For the unfamiliar, Quinn is a 4-4-1 professional fighter who’s had the dual honors of being choked out by Frank Mir and going three rounds with Jason Lambert. As a linebacker at Notre Dame, he once picked Iron Head Heywood out of the air at fourth and inches; it was, in Quinn’s estimation, the greatest stop in college football history. (Quinn was later kicked off the team amid allegations of sexual assault.) He once knocked out five men in one night at Juanita’s in Encinitas, California. He’s discovered the secret of weight loss and tumor-melting, via Stevia and cold fission. And oh yeah, he’s preparing for his first fight since a January ’05 TKO loss to Dan Molina, and will be facing Dave Huckaba, who has knocked out Bo Cantrell twice, once in 26 seconds and once in five seconds.

But those are just facts, and statistics, and they don’t really tell the story of a man. To understand who Dan Quinn really is, you’ll have to watch his shirtless mirror-rants on YouTube.