Yeah, that’s a lot of adjectives for a fight that lasts two seconds. But hey, watch the video yourself and see if we’re lying to you. A guy gets dummied up with a single punch then remains on his feet for an impressive length of time before going full sequoia, after which the non-combatant in the striped t-shirt falls out like he’s judging a drag show. The instant replay is soundtracked by Enya. If you don’t enjoy this sort of thing, fighting’s just not in your DNA, honey.
(A guy losing his mind over a cheeseburger, a pantsing, *and* a kimura attempt? We are truly living in a golden era, you guys.)
While not quite as popular as the “Bully Gets Owned” video, the “Fast Food Fight” video is quickly becoming one of the most sought-after subgenres of Youtube-based amateur fight videos on the web. Whether taking place at a Steak n’ Shake, a McDonalds, or my personal favorite, a Denny’s, the fast food fight bridges the gap between humanity’s insatiable thirst for sustenance and violence in a way that Medieval Times has never truly been able to exploit.
Below you will find ten of the most infamous fast food brawls to ever be caught on camera, but on the off-chance we missed one of your favorites, give us a shout in the comments section or tweet us at @CagePotatoMMA.
(Probably the most epic fast food fight of them all.)
(The East Oakland Denny’s Halloween fight requires no introduction.)
It was supposed to be a one-on-one fight, but you know how these things go. As soon as White Shirt Guy started landing on Blue Shirt Guy with a Matt Brown-esque storm of violence, Blue Shirt Guy’s homey stepped in from the sidelines to pull White Shirt Guy off. And according to the unwritten rules of Mexican street fights, as soon as there is encroachment by an amigo, team fighting commences. In this case, a friend of White Shirt Guy runs in and immediately ends the match with a flying head-kick out of a Jackie Chan movie.
CP reader Juan Pablo B. sent us the above video earlier today, and it made us realize that “bully gets owned” videos have become a powerful Internet genre unto themselves, like scare pranks or ASMR vids. The appeal is obvious: We rarely get to see aggressive dickheads get their comeuppance in real life, so it’s always incredibly satisfying when moments like these are caught on tape.
(Thanks to CagePotato reader Juan Pablo B. for the tip!)
Everybody underestimates head movement — but in a one-on-one street-fight, it’s probably the greatest advantage you can have. This little altercation went down recently in Cordoba, Argentina, featuring a guy in a red jacket who slips ‘n’ rips like a pro, and a dude in a white long-sleeve who clearly doesn’t have the same level of kickboxing experience.
Depending on the spiciness of the sauce being used, a hot wing-eating contest can be one of humanity’s most emotionally-harrowing competitions. Ask this sweaty bastard. The last thing you want to do is mess with somebody who has just completed one of these things. And yet, here we have this pathetic, shirtless excuse for a floor-turd in a backwards Fred Durst-esque fitted douchecap, first grabbing the mouth of Guy in the Middle, then de-pantsing G.i.t.M. during his moment of exhausted triumph.
Guy in the Middle calmly turns around and lands one perfect straight right, and the sore loser goes into wet-noodle mode. And the best part is that nobody around them — not the crowd, not the announcer, not the other contestants — seems to mind one bit. The world can be a beautiful place, sometimes.
But we never really expect to see beautiful, evenly-matched displays of sustained technique in one of these Youtube messes. That’s why we were pleasantly shocked to find perhaps the most technical street fight ever recorded and published on YouTube yesterday.
Ok, “street fight” may be stretching it, as these two guys did not fight on an actual paved road, but rather on what looked to be a Eurasian dirt patch. But dang, they could fight.
Watch the news report above and you’ll see the following: Falcao approaches a woman at a gas station, then angrily swats her in the ear with what appears to be his wallet. The woman and her friend go outside for backup, and three men arrive to confront Falcao and his companion, undefeated MMA featherweight Kaue Mena. Falcao is sucker-punched, which kicks off a wild brawl that spills outside.
Some dude in a red jacket shows up with a 2×4, and hits Falcao over the head twice with it, which knocks him down (and possibly out). The same guy then cracks Mena in the face with the piece of lumber, and Mena falls backward, his head making hard impact with the concrete. A guy in a white shirt repeatedly punches Mena in the face, and kicks him in the head at least twice. Everybody involved leaves the scene before the cops arrive, leaving Mena’s unconscious body behind. Keep in mind, this all started because Maiquel Falcao struck a woman in public.
According to BloodyElbow, Mena is currently in serious condition at the intensive care unit at the Hospital do Coração, and no arrests have been made in connection with the incident. Falcao last competed in February of this year, when he was knocked out by Alexander Shlemenko.
The title of this little piece of absurdist art is “SXSW 2013 Fight : Drunk Bully Gets Knocked OUT!,” but honestly, the shaggy-haired gangsta in the camo shorts getting slept is the least interesting part of the video. There’s just so much to wonder about, before and after the climactic act.
For example, why does the titular drunk start demonstrating his bird-calls at the 0:09 mark? Why is the white dude’s reaction to getting jabbed in the face (0:25-0:28) the funniest thing I’ve seen all month? And seriously, what the hell is wrong with young people today? As soon as CamoShorts gets leveled by a wicked straight-right from the depths of Sucker Punch Hell, the reaction of half the crowd is to pull out their phones, lean over the guy’s body, and mutely, dumbly, shoot footage of a person who at that particular moment is doing absolutely nothing. What, did you think one of them was going to kneel down and perform CPR? These kids? In this America? It’s like a race to see who can most quickly upload a picture of the guy’s face to twitter with the message, “AT SOUTH BY, SHIT GETTING REAL, DUDE GOT KTFO’D INFRONTOFMELOL #PRAY4WEEZY”
And then the cops show up, and the drunk slowly regains his senses, and horses and paramedics arrive, and he’s led off, and the crowd disperses, and…fuck. I don’t know. I just want my country back.