(Healy Pat: The only title challenger so obscure that Strikeforce couldn’t even remember which of his names came first.) 

We’re going to go out on a limb and assume that Pat Healy was either an SS guard or Ed Gein in his past life, because in recent weeks, something we can only chalk up to karma has been ravaging through his opponents like Roy Nelson through a free buffet. After collecting five straight wins under the Strikeforce banner — a feat made all the more impressive when you consider that Strikeforce has approximately 10 fighters left in their roster — Healy was scheduled to face off against lightweight champion Gilbert Melendez on Strikeforce’s September 29th card. However, when Melendez went down with an injury (go figure), Strikeforce quickly realized that the card was so garbage-ass that they should probably just cancel it altogether. And then cancel their next card for good measure.

Cut to mid-November. A still-injured Melendez declares that he is opting out of Strikeforce’s final event and will instead wait until the UFC absorbs the promotion to resuming training. Wanting to fill out their already injury-plagued final card, Strikeforce books Healy against a former challenger to Melendez’s throne in Jorge Masvidal. Shits were not given. But in an even crueler twist of fate, news has just broke that Masvidal has also gone down with an undisclosed injury and may be forced to withdraw from his January 12th showdown with Healy.

(DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO THE GIRL, JUST DON’T HURT ME.) 

Meet Nandor “The Hun” Guelmino, a.k.a the man Josh Barnett will face in his final Strikeforce appearance at the hilariously mistitled Strikeforce: Champions event on January 12th. As you might have noticed, he is a terrifying individual who looks something like the freakish offspring of The Tall Man, The Silver Surfer, Imhotep, and an eighty pound bag of cement. With a record of 11-3, Guelmino has collected 7 straight victories not by consuming the souls of his opponents before pulling their spinal chords through their assholes as one would imagine, but rather by two earthly TKO’s, three submissions, and a pair of decisions. At 6’3” and just over 230 pounds, perhaps the most freakish thing about Guelmino is that he will actually be giving away some size to Barnett, who usually weighs in at just under 250lbs.

Having collected 6 victories by way of submission, it will be interesting to see how Guelmino will deals with the aggressive grappling attack of a guy like Barnett. My prediction: By lifting Barnett above his head, putting him in The Torture Rack, and spiking him through the canvas like a football. He will then grab the microphone from Gus Johnson and proclaim himself to be Ashta, Devourer of Worlds before unleashing a hellish sand monster in his likeness that descends upon the audience and wipes them out in one final flurry. Despite the massive loss of life, the moment will ultimately be declared a bit of redemption for Strikeforce.

Get familiar with “The Hun” after the jump.

CagePotato Conspiracy Theory: Rockhold isn’t hurt, but he already sold the belt on eBay while people were still willing to bid on his treasure.

There’s no need for a wordy introduction here: Strikeforce has officially become so incompetent that it can’t even die correctly.

After canceling two consecutive events, Strikeforce planned to have an absolutely stacked grand finale on January 12, 2013 featuring three title fights and Heavyweight Grand Prix champion Daniel Cormier. Much like everything else that Strikeforce has planned since being purchased by Zuffa, things quickly went wrong. First, lightweight kingpin Gilbert Melendez got injured/realized he was in a no-win scenario fighting for Strikeforce again and pulled out of the event. Now, middleweight champion Luke Rockhold is also off of the card, citing a wrist injury as the reason for his departure. According to The MMA Corner:

The MMA Corner has learned from sources close to the camp of Rockhold that the middleweight champion has suffered a wrist injury and has been forced to withdraw from his scheduled Jan. 12 title defense against Lorenz Larkin.