(Beats your face to a bloody pulp… personally stitches you up after.) 

Most of us tend to forget that UFC heavyweight champ Junior Dos Santos is a BJJ black belt under the Nogueira brothers, probably because we’d like to continue living in a world where we can convince ourselves that a 6’4″, 240 pound killing machine has some discernible weakness other than being a really nice guy when he’s not caving in your face like a Silver Shamrock Halloween mask. That’s right, I just referenced Halloween 3. I’m less a writer, more a prophet.

But unfortunately, the video that awaits you after the jump proves once and for all that JDS is, like me, an absolute master of his trade. In the video, we see a young Junior competing in his second professional MMA fight against Eduardo Maiorino, who sadly passed away from a heart attack just two days ago at the tender age of 33. After opening the fight with a signature flurry of punches, Dos Santos secures a takedown and is able to latch onto a guillotine choke from half guard that seems to be less technique and more Junior using his cyborg strength to vice grip his hapless opponent into submission.

Video below. 

(When Marcus Davis says he’s going to be Sloth for Halloween, Marcus Davis IS Sloth for Halloween.) 

Before Nate Diaz decided to put the Funyuns aside and start making a serious run at the 155 lb title, he floated between the welterweight and lightweight divisions for the majority of his UFC career with mixed results. However, his greatest performance at 170 came at UFC 118, where Diaz faced off against Irish-American powerhouse Marcus Davis. Known for his Angel of Death right hand, Davis was fresh off a TKO victory over the UFC’s favorite narcoleptic French Canadian, Jonathan Goulet, at UFC 114, and planned to do the same with Nate. But as Rory Markham and Melvin Guillard should have informed him, one-punch knockout power stands no chance against the iron chin and hailstorm of pitter-patter punches that constitute a Diaz beating.

The fight was classic Diaz — taunting within the first 30 seconds of the fight, getting rocked yet continuing to taunt upon recovery, breaking their opponents will until they finally give up — and received Fight of the Night honors when all was said and done. While we can assume that Nate blew the extra cash on beluga caviar and front row tickets to A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Davis undoubtedly spent his hiring Thedus’ finest doctor to remove the baby alien that Diaz had somehow implanted in his right eyeball.

Video after the jump. 

(Shit happens when Brett Rogers is your sponsor.) 

It seems that we’ve had to deal with the issue of child abuse more and more over the past few weeks here at CagePotato. You may recall the woman in St. Louis who videotaped her infant daughter’s decaweight debut and provided such insightful ringside commentary as “Ball up some fists!” as one instance of this. But today, Potato Nation, we’ve come across the classiest child abuse video of them all. We’re talking a top of the line, Armani-suited business moguls shrouded in darkness and purchasing sex slaves that were kidnapped at the airport level of class on display here. This is the Rolls-Royce of child abuse videos, if you will. In fact, the level of class in this child abuse video is so high, that it might not be considered child abuse at all.

It’s disorienting, we know, because typically, when treated to a video of a 6 year old and a 7 year old throwing down in a cage, your first reaction would probably be that of outrage. Toss in the fact that it took place in Armenia, at a bar surrounded by drunken patrons huffing cigars and cheering them on, your anger would likely jump up a few notches. But then you take a look at the awesome production value (yes, those are *actual* flames in the beginning), the adorable weigh-ins/staredown, and the scaled down ring, and you almost forget that you’re about to watch two kids beat the piss out of each other for entertainment. Or that a promotion exists out there that will allow this to happen.

So goes the story of ArmFC, an upstart and soon to be shut down promotion that recently forayed into the art of child fighting. And although the promotion insists that we are actually watching a “demonstration of the fight” on the Youtube page in which they posted this video, the fact that the first four words of the video’s description are “death 6 years fighter” leads us to believe that those running this promotion have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. So by “demonstration”, they likely mean “we didn’t allow them to dip their gloves in candle wax and broken glass beforehand this time.”

Video after the jump. 

(Props to our buddies over at IronForgesIron. Skip to 4:00 for the beginning of the fight.) 

If Scott Jorgensen hadn’t convinced you back at WEC 47 that the guillotine choke could get much, much worse, then Morgan Bracken sure will. The 4-3 lightweight fighter managed to pull off this beaut of a throw/submission last weekend at an unknown event in Topeka, Kansas. We literally know nothing else about the fight, and frankly we don’t care to find out. Because a move like this is kind of like trolls in Norway, legend has it that they exist but you until you actually see one, you never believe. In fact, one of the only other people to see both a guillotine suplex and a troll is Bas Rutten. Go figure.

Check out a few of our favorite attempts after the jump.

Matt Hughes only experienced defeat twice in his first 23 fights — a stat that’s even more remarkable when you consider that both losses came from a dude named Dennis Hallman, who was able to submit Hughes within the first 20 seconds of each match. This clip from UFC 29 presents the entire saga (fight #2 starts at the 5:30 mark). Hallman didn’t go on to beat any other MMA legends, but he’s still active in the game, winning his last fight at Strikeforce in November, and compiling a 2-1 record in the IFL in 2006.

If you’re only a casual fan of MMA, you’d be forgiven for not knowing that Fedor Emelianenko has a younger brother who is covered with Russian prison tattoos, proudly sports a mullet, and is a total badass in his own right. Though Aleksander Emelianenko has suffered notable losses to Mirko “Cro Cop” Filopovic, Josh Barnett, and Fabricio Werdum, he was one of PRIDE’s brightest stars, and takes after his brother when it comes to his aggressive attack and heavy hands. Aleksander is possibly the only MMA fighter to ever score three consecutive knockouts in fights lasting less than 30 seconds, which he did against James Thompson (12 seconds), Ricardo Morais (15 seconds), and Rene Rooze (28 seconds) in 2004-5. For a taste of the fury, check out the videos below, which show his fight against Morais, and his most recent match against Dan Bobish, which took place last month at a Hardcore Championship Fighting event in Calgary.

(Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Ricardo Morais, 4/3/05)

(Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Dan Bobish, 10/19/07)