Despite being fresh off of a nineteen-second knockout victory over Philip De Fries at last weekend’s UFC on FUEL TV 9, it may be a while before we see Matt Mitrione in the Octagon again.

Earlier today, Mitrione was a guest on The MMA Hour, where he wrapped up his appearance with some jokes he had prepared for host Ariel Helwani. He started off with a joke about Aleksander Emelianenko’s unretirement, a joke about how he considered finishing De Fries – a Llyod Irvin student – with a rape choke, and a joke about how transgender MMA fighter Fallon Fox should call herself “The Queen of the Buffaloes” in reference to “Silence of the Lambs.”

If he just stopped there, we probably wouldn’t even be talking about his appearance on the show, but he wasn’t done making jokes at Fallon’s expense just yet.

“Holy shit, I have not seen a man beat a woman like that since Chris Brown beat Rihanna. That is exceptional how he just beats innocent, unknowing women like that. Incredible,” Mitrione continued. “Since he’s obviously looking for any way to break or avoid the rules regarding fighting, if he ever fights again – which I hope he doesn’t – but if he ever fights again and loses to a woman, is he going to charge that woman with a hate crime because she imposing on his freedom as a tranny.”

At this point, Ariel Helwani intervened to ask Mitrione why he kept referring to Fallon Fox as a man. This resulted on a fairly heated rant from Meathead, which we have video of after the jump.

(Seen here: Something Thiago Silva has not been able to honestly do since 2009.) 

If you thought Matt Riddle was just blowing smoke up our asses when he criticized the subjectivity of the UFC’s hiring/firing policy on The MMA Hour a couple days ago, look no further than Thiago Silva for proof that he wasn’t. The Brazilian slugger has not only failed two drug tests in his past three bouts, once for using synthetic animal urine in an attempt to fool his post-fight test at UFC 125 and once for marijuana metabolites at UFC on FUEL 6 last November, but has gone 0-2 in the bouts he actually managed to show up clean for. Combine that with the fact that he nearly costs as much to show as that “super fucking expensive” Jon Fitch and you’ll be left wondering how someone so incompetent still holds a job in the sport’s highest promotion. Our guess: DW and friends really appreciate the fact that — on the off-chance Silva isn’t trying to cheat the system or cheapen the value of a win — the dude brings it. 

Whatever the case, Silva will be given what we can only assume is his final, final chance at UFC 162, where he will meet fellow piss test savant Rafael Cavalcante.

(You know what, bro, put down that birthday cake. You don’t deserve it anymore.)

MMA’s drug-failure tally has gotten off to a fast start in 2013, with two notable fighters already netted by the UFC’s independent testing. Here’s the promotion’s official statement via UFC.com:

“Rousimar Palhares tested positive for elevated testosterone and Joey Beltran tested positive for nandrolone, following their respective bouts at UFC on FX 6 in Australia. The UFC organization has a strict, consistent policy against the use of any illegal and/or performance-enhancing drugs, stimulants or masking agents. Both athletes have agreed to serve a nine-month suspension retroactive to December 14. They must pass a drug test upon completion of the suspension before receiving clearance to compete again.”

Palhares was knocked out by Hector Lombard on the “Sotiropoulos vs. Pearson” main card, marking Toquinho’s second-straight KO loss. Between his losing skid and the fact that this isn’t even his first suspension while under contract with the UFC, Palhares is on very thin ice. As for Beltran, the light-heavyweight slugger defeated Igor Pokrajac by decision during the UFC on FX 6 prelims. That win will likely be changed to a no-contest.

Update: Joey Beltran denies taking any illegal substances, and is laying the groundwork for a tainted supplements defense. His statement (via twitter) is after the jump…

(When the TUF producers decided to shoot Koscheck’s reaction to Two Girls One Cup, little did they know what traumatic psychological issues they would uncover.)

Say what you want about Josh Koscheck — seriously, do it now and in great detail — but if there’s one thing that male nurse hatin’ sumbitch isn’t, it’s afraid of a tough fight. His resume is easily one of the most impressive in the division and although he hasn’t been able to strike gold, he has more than earned his current status as a perennial contender. Sure, he has his shortcomings, but should we chastise a man just because he prefers his motorboats to be of the male ass variety rather than that of the female chest? For is the ass not but the chest of the South?

While you ponder those roundtable-worthy questions, consider the words of Dana White, who said in a recent interview that Nick Diaz would need a big win over a top guy at 170 before he would be considered back in the title picture. Being the remarkably generous company man that he is, Koscheck has apparently already agreed to play the role of stepping stone one last time (see Johny Hendricks, Thiago Alves), calling out Diaz over Twitter yesterday.

(This guy? A smoker? Impossible.)

Following his submission-of-the-night victory over Chris Clements at UFC 149, Matt Riddle tested positive for marijuana, according to a new report from MMAJunkie. The Calgary Combative Sports Commission suspended Riddle for 90 days retroactive to the July 21 event, which means the TUF 7 vet will be out of action until…well, today. Crisis averted.

For UFC fighters — most of whom don’t compete more than once every three months anyway — the 90-day suspension is more of a “hey bro, not cool” kind of gesture, rather than something that’s actually punitive; all it really prevented Riddle from doing was taking an ill-advised short-notice fight directly after his last appearance. Then again, the UFC still hasn’t scheduled his next fight, so maybe they’re going to make him stew for a bit. Riddle’s just lucky this happened in Canada rather than Nevada, or he could have been out of action for an entire year.

Of course, this raises an obvious question: If Riddle was smoking weed before his last fight, what kind of drugs was he on when he fought Sean Pierson? The LSD that Paulo Filho makes in his bathtub?

(“Yeah, training’s going well, I feel like I’m in killer shape right now and…whoa. Is your cameraman masturbating?”)

With his one-year suspension for prescription painkillers coming to an end in November, Chris Leben already has his return fight booked. The UFC has confirmed that Leben will face Czech wrestler Karlos Vemola at UFC 155, the stacked end-of-year card scheduled for December 29th in Las Vegas.

Vemola has compiled a less-than-stellar 2-3 record in the UFC over three weight classes, and was most recently choked out by Francis Carmont in July. Leben, who was suspended following his TKO loss to Mark Munoz at UFC 138, hasn’t won a match since his 27-second bar fight with Wanderlei Silva at UFC 132.

That fact that Leben is immediately returning to action after his suspension — and against a beatable rebound opponent — suggests that the UFC still has a fondness for him. But considering that this wasn’t Leben’s first time-out for unapproved substances, it might be his last chance to straighten up and fly right. Good luck, Cat Smasher.

Did that title totally blow your freakin minds?! We know it did, but for those of you who still remain on the planet Earth after reading it, prepare yourselves for a double dose of down and dirty gambling advice. Thanks to a pair of back-to-back cards and an injury curse the likes of which we’ve never seen before, this weekend’s UFC on FX 4 and UFC 147 events have just enough interesting matchups between them to help you prosper during the greatest American depression since the last great American depression, so lets do some (betting) lines!

UFC on FX: Maynard vs. Guida
Gray Maynard (-305) vs. Clay Guida (+275)
Spencer Fisher (+260) vs. Sam Stout (-290)
Brian Ebersole (-240) vs. T.J. Waldburger (+200)
Ross Pearson (-180) vs. Cub Swanson (+165)
Hatsu Hioki (-185) vs. Ricardo Lamas (+155)
C.J. Keith (+225) vs. Ramsey Nijem (-285)
Joey Gambino (-115 ) vs. Steven Siler (-115)
Rick Story (-380) vs. Brock Jardine (+290)
Luis Ramos (+145) vs. Matt Brown (-175)
Chris Camozzi (+175) vs. Nick Catone (-245)
Ricardo Funch (+375) vs. Dan Miller (-515)

UFC 147 
Rich Frankin (-170) vs. Wanderlei Silva (+150)
Cezar Ferreira (-260) vs. Sergio Moraes (+200)
Rony Mariano Bezerra (-280) vs. Godofredo de Oliveira (+220)
Mike Russow (+400) vs. Fabricio Werdum (-500)
Yuri Alcantara (+220) vs. Hacran Dias (-280)
(all figures courtesy of BestFightOdds) 

Thoughts…

(A little club soda will get that right out.)

When discussing his fourth round tapout loss to UFC Light Heavyweight Champ Jon Jones, Rampage Jackson explained that he lets no man put him to sleep because he doesn’t trust people. I’m not exactly certain what Jackson fears might unfold once he goes out, but vile atrocities such as antiquing and billboarding have been perpetrated on unconscious fighters before. But there’s a certain amount of trust that goes into tapping out as well. The tapout is nothing more than a gentlemen’s agreement, really, in which one fighter admits that he’s taken enough punishment for one day. But not everyone in the face-punching business is a gentleman, and sometimes your opponent may not agree that you’ve taken all of the damage you deserve.

When you hold a submission too long there’s a chance of causing damage to a limb or unconsciousness, but it always leads to hurt feelings.

(He could be anyone. Your next-door neighboor. Your son’s wrestling coach. But behind that friendly smile lies the heart of a madman.)

As reported by MMAFighting, UFC middleweight contender Chael Sonnen has successfully completed his six-month suspension from the California State Athletic Commission. Sonnen was originally facing a one-year penalty for abnormally high testosterone levels following his UFC 117 loss to Anderson Silva, but got his suspension reduced to six months when he showed up to the appeals hearing with a tragic tale of hypogonadism and miscommunication. Sonnen has also paid the $2,500 fine that went along with the suspension.

But he’s not completely in the clear yet. CSAC executive officer George Dodd told MMAFighting.com that Sonnen will have to make an appearance before the commission at some point in order to regain his license. And as we learned from Josh Barnett — who showed up to his last hearing without a lawyer and left dumbfounded and license-less when the board demanded that he show “rehabilitation” for his last positive steroid test — that step is not just a mere formality. Plus, Sonnen currently has his contract frozen by the UFC due to his money-laundering charges, so it’s not clear when he’ll actually return. (For the record, Sonnen’s sentencing is scheduled for 11:30 am PT on March 28th, and he’s likely to receive two years’ probation on the recommendation of the U.S. government.)

And in Sonnen’s latest bit of Bisping-bashing…

(I like my ‘chino enemas with extra foam.)

For those of you unaware, the UFC had an event on Saturday – UFC 82. We’ve given you results & commentary, payouts, 7/11 encounters, Chuck-Heads, and more. And to cap off our thoroughly kick-ass coverage of it all, here are the traditional Monday-after suspensions.

The Ohio Athletic Commission has revealed that only four of the fighters from the event have been slapped with medical suspensions. Each of the fighters who got the on-hold ruling lost via KO or TKO, although no broken bones or lacerations were reported. Since, Yushin Okami has been said to have broken his hand while KOing Evan Tanner and Josh Koscheck possibly might have broken his as well while dealing Dustin Hazelett his TKO and subsequent medical suspension.

Evan Tanner pulled a 60-day suspension, while O’Brien, Hazelett and Sakara all got 30-day suspensions. Overall, pretty tame suspensions for a major MMA event.

However, the best suspension announcement was Luke Cummo’s caffeine overload suspension. Fightlinker “broke” the story early today that Luke Cummo had received a three-month suspension for having “extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before.”

“Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood,” said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. “But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon.”

Oh, you had us until tripping balls, although I wouldn’t put it past the made-up OAC member, Warren Petty, to say something like that. The story went on to say 3-liter coffee enemas were to blame, but luckily MMA Weekly was johnny-on-the-spot and squashed this one – not that anyone was buying it after “tripping balls”. However, OAC executive director Bernie Profato wasn’t too happy about the hoax story and had this to say about the matter:

“I’ll be contacting the state’s Attorney General office (on Tuesday) to see what options we have in this type of matter because this is absolutely not true.”

I’m sure Zuffa will be filing suit soon as well.

(Frank Mir stopped the Lesnar hype train last Saturday.)

Six of last Saturday’s UFC 81 participants have been given medical suspensions by the Nevada State Athletic Commission, according to MMA Junkie. Most of the suspensions were relatively short, except for David Heath’s suspension. Heath lost via TKO in the first round of his fight with Tim Boetsch. He was brutalized by Boetsch with body kicks and strikes to the head when he hit the canvas.

Heath received a nasal fracture in the bout and a doctor has to clear him to fight if he wants to step into the Big O again before August 1st – which is when his suspension runs out. Boetsch had taken the fight just days before after Tomasz Drwal dropped out as Heath’s opponent due to a knee injury. Imagine if he had actually trained for David Heath. The medical suspension might instead be a death certificate for Heath.

Marvin Eastman, Kyle Bradley and Frank Mir got short suspensions because of lacerations. Tim Sylvia and Keita Nakamura were dealt medical suspensions as a precaution. Only Mir and Eastman won their fights – Mir was getting jacked by Brock Lesnar before catching the blonde beast napping and submitted him with a knee bar; Eastman won a unanimous decision over Terry Martin. Interesting that Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira escaped without a suspension since Tim Sylvia left his mark on Nog’s face.

The list of suspensions:
-Tim Sylvia: Suspended until March 3rd with no contact until February 24th for precautionary reasons

-Frank Mir: Suspended until March 3rd with no contact until February 24th because of a scalp laceration

-Kyle Bradley: Suspended until March 19th with no contact until March 2nd because of a facial laceration

-David Heath: Nasal fracture must be cleared by a doctor or he is suspended until August 1st – minimum suspension is until April 3rd with no contact until March 19th

-Marvin Eastman: Suspended until March 2nd with no contact until February 24th because of an upper-eyelid laceration

-Keita Nakamura: Suspended until March 19th with no contact until March 2nd for precautionary reason