("Listen bro, you rough up your girlfriend or one of your multiple wives, that’s your business. But when you assault a grandfather clock, somebody has to go to jail.")

Hey, who wants a CagePotato t-shirt? Oh yeah? So buy one you cheap bastard. (For one thing, they’re great for hiding your gynecomastia.) Here are the witty commenters who will be getting their shirts for free:

The irish car bomb on "War Machine: ‘F*ck an Obama’":
w washed up
a ass hole
r retarded mother fucker

m mentally ill (expects sympathy hahaha)
a arguably gay
c cant hold back a full face of tears on every occasion he gets
h he acts like a little bitch
i i dont even know why he gets this much attention hes such a loser
n never going to fight in any company worth mentioning ever again
e evan tanner is one of the most respectable people in mma history so go home
and cry yourself to sleep little johnny
[Ed. note: MY GOD THIS ACROSTIC]

agentsmith on "Gambling Addiction Enabler: Affliction’s Day of Reckoning": The nostrils truly are the windows to the soul

Jugger on "Monson Update: Ex-Girlfriend to Turn in More Graffiti Pictures to Authorities": Check it out! Steph just updated her facebook status:
"I was going to rat on Monson for cheating on me and two other women, but some creepy stalker named ‘Crap Factory’ explained to me how wrong I am for answering the Cop’s questions about my ex’s past exploits. I’ve decided to forgive him for wasting a year of my life, lying to me, possibly giving me an STD, getting violent with me, and basically kicking me in vag while I was down. Thanks Crap Factory! You are my new moral compass!"

If your name has been called, please e-mail feedback@cagepotato.com with your real name, address, and size, and we’ll have a shirt out to you in 6-8 months. 

(Shhh, Kyra‘s sleeping.)

OMFGLOL, you guys…

shitwhistle on ‘Gambling Addiction Enabler: UFC 93‘: I saw that pic on hotchickswithdouchebags.com 
[Ed. note: Why don't you have a seat over there...]

Clyde on ‘Kyra Gracie in VIP Magazine‘: Just remember if she’s on top of you, don’t reach for the boobs. You’re just asking to get armbarred.
[Ed. note: See, isn't that better than the endless "triangle choke" gags?]

‘Whistle and Clyde, please send your names, addresses and shirt-sizes to feedback@cagepotato.com, and we’ll mail you a "Hall of Fame" tee at our earliest convenience. Keep rockin’ the comments, everybody — they bring joy to our lives.

(UFC 97: Big Building vs. Lightning Bolt. Tickets now available at ConvolutedMetaphor.com.)

Hey, sorry we haven’t done t-shirt giveaways in a few weeks — that’s on us, player. But there’s been a lot of commenter brilliance happening lately, so let’s do this…

Lysol on "Rampage Pleads Guilty to Reckless Driving…": I want to see two guest lectures in the near future: The Importance of Sleep, Nutrition, and Exercise by Rampage Jackson and Black Belt Jiu Jitsu Grappling by Tank Abbott.

??? on "Kimbo Slice Has a ‘Boxing Machine’":
http://i713.photobucket.com/albums/ww133/CrushCo/Kimbo.jpg
[Ed. note: This comment somehow disappeared from the post, so we don't know who sent it in or what the exact setup was, but it was something along the lines of "Check out the prize I got from playing this game," and it was kind of amazing.]

John Kimble on "This Just In: MMA Is Finished, XARM to Take Over": Lyoto Machida and Kalib Starnes would be awful at this.

And finally, this idiot-savant-like exchange on our current poll:

If you happen to be any of these people (except for the multiple Anonymouses, because if you can’t come up with a clever screen-name, you’re ineligible to win) and you want a CagePotato "Hall of Fame" t-shirt, send your name, size, and address to feedback@cagepotato.com. And have a great day!

(Photo courtesy of HotChicksWithDouchebags.com.)

It’s a problem that affects so many Americans: You want to publicly proclaim your love of MMA, but when you wear Affliction and TapouT shirts to the bar, people automatically assume you’re an unbearable douchetard. It’s unfair, is what it is. We suggest checking out the following up-and-coming MMA apparel brands — rock this stuff and you’ll feel more “ahead of the curve” than “late to the party.”

ETERNAL UNLIMITED
The Lowdown: Repped by a horde of West Coast fighters like Nick Diaz, Nate Diaz, Jake Shields, Gilbert Melendez, and Joe Stevenson, Eternal launched a year ago with the goal of bringing street fashion and hip-hop influences to the MMA apparel scene. Their website features a “Technique of the Week” section, where EU’s sponsored fighters teach everything from guard-sweeps to keylocks.
CP Approved: The King (above) and the Shark, because predators are kickass!

SIX DEUCE GEAR
The Lowdown: Straight outta Ames, Iowa, Six Deuce has been putting out quirky fight-sport-themed apparel since late 2005. If you’re reading this site, you probably don’t mind a little humor mixed in with your MMA, which means the Deuce could be right up your alley.
CP Approved: The Japanophilic Fate shirt (above), as well as the Joe Rogan-friendly Rolling Stoned and the men’s room-influenced Bye Bye Head.

The big question we’ve been waiting to hear an answer to this week is, what of Affliction’s pay-per-view numbers? VP Tom Atencio claimed they did “well over” 100,000 buys. He also said, in the post-fight press conference, that he’d be releasing the numbers on Thursday or Friday of this week. And yet, so far nothing official. Subscribers to Dave Meltzer’s “Wrestling Observer” relayed the following tidbit from the latest issue via the Sherdog forums:

“As far as the numbers went, the big number everyone is looking for is the Affliction PPV number. Based on independent estimates we’ve heard, the number has been estimated at between 50,000 and 85,000 buys. Atencio claimed the number as being higher, saying it topped 100,000, although at press time, any numbers could only be considered rough estimates. Atencio told us that since UFC doesn’t release numbers, he’s not going to either (I know, after saying it was more than 100,000). Keep in mind that Pride claimed 150,000 buys for its first U.S. PPV in 2006, and the real number ended up being 40,000 (we know that because Nevada taxes on PPV revenue so you can get a real number; California does not so getting real numbers will be more difficult).”

“Independent estimates” is a vague phrase to begin with, but with all this speculation floating around the only way for Affliction to silence it is to release the numbers. If they don’t, we’ll have to assume that they probably didn’t hit that golden number of 100,000 buys as Atencio claimed.

It’s a big week for Affliction and dubious numbers. Next you’re going to tell me that the Tim Sylvia Signature Series Affliction t-shirt doesn’t really cost $58. No, that one checks out actually. At least there are some things you can still depend on.

(“Chained Fists,” only available at NathanDiaz.com.)

On Friday, we put two Nate Diaz-related t-shirts up for grabs to the readers who could provide the best captions for the above photo involving Randy Couture, Gina Carano, and three of their groupies. And apparently you really want to represent tha’ 209, because you came full force with it. First, our honorable mentions…

Matt Herpes: This is exactly why Kim bought that testicle-scale.

F.A.S.: Xtreme Ho-ture

Damien: Looks like Fedor isn’t the only heavyweight that Randy wants to get his hands on.

boobah: Gina later realized that Applebee’s was not the best choice for cutting weight.

MMA-hole: “Yeah, that’s right…I’m Bruce Willis…”

TheFeniX: Shown here: People who make a living destroying others for monetary gain, every 6 months or so. Also pictured: Randy Couture and Gina Carano.

bmwtech: Just goes to show you that every group of girls has a DBUF. Designated bald ugly friend.

And now, the shirt-winners…

(The Kimbo Slice LTD tee — only available at Triumph United.)

Heads up, people:

— We’ll be liveblogging UFC 83 tomorrow night starting at 10 p.m. ET, so come back for thrilling round-by-round updates and semi-coherent commentary. And please share your own thoughts during the broadcast via the comments section, especially because…

— We’ve teamed up with Triumph United to launch our Comment of the Week contest. We’re not going to lie; some of your comments have been making us LOFL lately, and we want to start rewarding you for your creativity. Thus, every Friday starting next week we’ll call out our favorite comments from the previous week and award one winner a Triumph United shirt of his/her choosing. If you’re tired of MMA-inspired shirts that induce headaches and seizures, you should definitely check out some of T.U.’s more reserved, aesthetically-pleasing designs. I’ve paid actual money for two of their shirts in the past, which I think demonstrates my genuine love for this brand. So keep hitting us with your witty/insightful comments and good luck. Lurkers, emerge from the shadows!

— Do us a favor and check out this interactive trailer for The Forbidden Kingdom. Then do Jackie Chan and Jet Li a favor and see the movie.

Congratulations Gavin Haughey — you’ve just won $500 in cash and $500 in Serious Pimp gear for creating the highest-voted t-shirt in our Serious Pimp design contest. Gavin’s design, known as “Good Evening Bitches” (above), edged out Ray Thorsky’s “Manuscript” piece by just 16 votes. We’ll keep you updated on how the dude spends his money. Our suggestion? Convert that shit into singles and make it rain!

Unrelated: There’s a new poll on the homepage — take it.

Dudes:

If you haven’t thrown in a vote for our Serious Pimp t-shirt design contest yet, please go here to give the finalists a look and then make your pick on the homepage poll; you might just make one CagePotato reader five hundred bucks happier. Voting ends at the stroke of midnight ET, so hurry your ho-ass up and get to it. Much respect to everyone who entered — the winner will be announced tomorrow.

Urijah Faber keeps the look alive…

(Props: CombatLifestyle via BloodyElbow)

Oh yeah! To those of you who wrote in asking “What the crap happened to that Serious Pimp t-shirt design contest?”, well, perfection takes longer. But the wait is over, and Serious Pimp has chosen four finalists out of all your lovely entries. Check ‘em out below and vote for your favorite one on our homepage poll. The poll will close next Thursday, March 13th at 11:59:59 p.m. ET, and we’ll announce the winner the next day. The design with the most votes scores the designer $500 in cash and $500 in Serious Pimp gear. Fist-bumps and bro-grabs to everyone who entered — y’all some talented mah’fuckas.

Click images for larger versions…

“Manuscript”

“Good Evening Bitches”

“Serious Lopez”

“Smoking Girl”

We don’t just give away autographed books on CagePotato — a couple weeks ago, we announced the CagePotato/Serious Pimp t-shirt design contest, and entries are rolling in. Thus, we’ll finally establish an official deadline…Tuesday, February 19th. Get re-acquainted with the details here, put together a baller-chic t-shirt design (or three), and send ‘em to contest@seriouspimp.com. We’ll put up the best designs shortly after the deadline, and the Potato Nation can vote on who gets the cash and gear. Got it? Good. Now please spread the word to any artistically-minded fight fans you know who enjoy The Ultimate Fighter and Project Runway in equal measures.

(The “OG Durag” shirt, available for only 20 bones.)

Attention CagePotato readers with artistic ability and a strong pimp-hand: We’ve teamed up with badass MMA outfitter Serious Pimp for a contest that could add some thickness to your bankroll.

Serious Pimp is looking for their next hot-to-death t-shirt design, and they need your help. Go here and here to check out some of their work and get a feel for the West Coast hustler vibe. Then, all you have to do is design a t-shirt slick enough to bear the Serious Pimp label. Slap it together on photoshop, draw it freehand and scan it — do whatever it is you do, and then e-mail the final product (with your name and contact info, obvi) to contest@seriouspimp.com.

Five finalists will be chosen, and then you — the readers of this fantastic website — will get to vote on a winner, who will take home $500 in cash and $500 in Serious Pimp gear. Since the brand sponsors such MMA A-listers as Quinton Jackson, Dan Henderson, Royce Gracie, Ed Herman, and Rob McCullough (among many, many others), you never know whose back your design might end up on. So stop being an out-of-pocket ho’ and get pimpin’!

UPDATE: Deadline for entries is Tuesday, February 19th. Feel free to submit more than one design.

(The “Labeled Insane Cross” shirt. Flying angel skeletons!)

Hey guys. Sorry I got all serious and heavy with that last post. To make up for it, here’s a picture of UFC middleweight champ Anderson “The Spider” Silva wearing a ridiculous t-shirt.

I wonder what’s more effective with the ladies — that shirt, or the pickup line “I can choke you out from any position, plus I have knockout power in both my fists, as well as my knees,” delivered in a totally incomprehensible Portuguese accent.